Chapter Twenty-One
*This chapter was inspired by an actual scene on Search for Tomorrow in early October 1983.*
Kristin: Where were you?
Warren: I had something to take care of.
Kristin: What?
Warren: Look, honey, it's been a very long day. I'm really tired. Let's clear the deck here. I wanna go.
Kristin: It must have been pretty important.
Warren: Yeah.
Kristin: I mean you never leave the club for that long, especially at night.
Warren: It took a little longer than I figured.
Kristin: What did?
Warren: (getting annoyed) What is this? 20 Questions?
Kristin: I haven't got one answer yet.
Warren: What I wanna do with my day doesn't concern you. Ohhh! (he gets a strange look on his face, then he turns to look at Kristin) Actually, I will tell you where I was. I was with Wendy.
Kristin: And?
Warren: I drove her to the clinic.
Kristin: Ohhh no!
Warren: Yeah.
Kristin: Warren, tell me you didn't make her do that.
Warren: I didn't make her do anything.
Kristin: Yes, you did. You pressured her.
Warren: No, that's crazy. I just... explained the situation to her.
Kristin: (getting upset) I can't believe you're talking like this.
Warren: Well, you're the one who brought up the conversation, so now I have something I'd like to get done.
Kristin: Ohhh sure, get a girl pregnant, drive her off someplace to have an abortion, and then you'd just rather not discuss it. Why? Because you feel guilty or something?
Warren: No, I don't feel guilty at all. She's been very well taken care of. Look, you're the only one who's upset about it. Wendy was just... terrific.
Kristin: Yeah, protecting you.
Warren: Who's side are you on?
Kristin: I just don't think you realize what this could do to her!
Warren: It's all being worked out for the best.
Kristin: For who? Wendy? The baby? Or you? Warren, you talk about it like it's a bag of garbage or something! You just take it out and dump it?!
Warren: Alright. Alright. Stop! Don't go laying a guilt trip on me. You wanna blame somebody - you blame Wendy. She should have protected herself.
Kristin: Warren, it takes two to make a baby. What did you do?
Warren: Alright, fine! A mistake was made. I admit that. I'm doing everything I can to correct it. You're the only one who's harping on it.
Kristin: What about Wendy? How do you think she feels right now?
Warren: Stop it - will you?! Look, there is nothing anybody can do about it, okay? Kris, whattya think, that I don't have feelings about it? I'm only trying to do my best. Tomorrow morning when I wake up and Wendy wakes up... (Warren lets out a huge sigh) ... we're just gonna start fresh.
Kristin: Warren, you're my brother and I love you. But you see, I understand what's going on inside Wendy. I know how much she wanted that baby - YOUR baby!
Warren: She knows it had to be done.
Kristin: She knows you told her it had to be done. And maybe her head is telling her it's the only way - the only way that makes sense, but we're not talking about sense here, Warren. We are talking about a girl who has a baby growing inside of her, that belongs to a man that she loves and she can't have. You can come back here and go about your business and it's all the same for you, but it's not the same for Wendy. Why do you... there will be no life as usual for Wendy. (her voice becomes shrill) It's not going to be over in nine months like a pregnancy. She's going to feel the loss of that child for the rest of her life, Warren.
Warren: (takes a very upset Kristin into his arms) Kristin, you're not talking about Wendy and me, are you? You're talking about you and Brian. You're talking about your own baby.
Kristin: No, I'm not.
Warren: (speaks softly and soothingly) Yes, you are. (has a pained expression on his face) I just want you to understand that. (Caresses Kristin's cheek) And I want you to understand that I understand that.
Kristin: (angrily) No, you don't. You never will and neither could Brian. (Kristin runs out)
Characters in this segment: Brian & Kristin
Feel the LossBrian came home after a long day at the police station. He was eager to see Kristin. She was always in a great mood and waiting by the door, but not today. In fact, she was no where to be found.
"Kristin!" he called out, looking around the apartment for his wife. He checked the living room and found no sign of her, then the kitchen and bathroom.
That's when he found her. She was laying half-way across the bed on her stomach, crying mournfully. Brian had never seen her so sad, not since the loss of their baby nearly a year before.
"Kristin, what is it? Are you okay?" Brian said as he approached. He couldn't see her face as it was buried in the blankets. Her hair was a massive tangle of bright red curls.
"Go away, Brian," she said in a little sob. "I don't want you here."
"What is it? Hey, what did I do?" Brian questioned as he lowered one knee on the edge of the bed and knelt down closer to his wife. "Did I do something to upset you?"
"It's what you didn't do! And it's what you NEVER do!" she practically screamed.
She was pissed as well as sad. Where was all this sorrow and anger coming from? Had Warren done something?
*If that asshole has hurt Kristin in any way I am gonna rip him limb from limb,* Brian was thinking.
"Kristin, you're not making sense," Brian said as he stroked the strands of tear-wet hair away from her beautiful face. "Please talk to me."
Kristin finally sat up and looked Brian, but she was struggling to keep her gaze on his soulful brown eyes. "I was talking to Warren and..."
"I knew it!" Brian exploded. "What has he done now?!"
"He helped me understand something. He helped me realize what I couldn't see for myself," Kristin stated, her words barely audible. "He's not all bad, you know. He's my brother and he loves me."
"And you love him, too," Brian said with a heavy sigh.
"I do, and I wish the two of you would try to get along."
"Well, that's never gonna happen, so let's just not discuss Warren. Just tell me about you... and why you were crying."
"It's the baby, Brian. Our baby," she said as fresh tears began to slide down her cheeks. "We never talk about it. You don't seem to see him as real person, as though he weren't actually alive and growing inside me until that terrible day. He was OUR baby. I know you were upset because I got pregnant..."
"I was at first and I wasn't ready to get married, but I am happy now. I love being married to you. I love YOU."
"I love you, too... but..."
Brian sat down on the bed and took her hand. Tenderly he brushed away her hot tears. "I know you wanted that baby so much. I know I didn't react the way you expected me to react when we lost it - I mean him..."
"I know it was a boy. I feel it here," said Kristin as she placed her hand on her heart.
"I was sad, too. I was trying to be strong for you, Kristin. I didn't know how to react or what I should do. I am sorry if I hurt you ... if I said or did anything wrong."
"It's like everybody forgot about him. The fact that I was a mother is never mentioned. Everyone just went on with their life and forgot, but not me. I thought about it every day when I'd get up and see my flat stomach in the mirror ... when my jeans still fit. We should have a three month old baby right now, but instead we have nothing..."
"We have each other," Brian said as he pulled her close and cuddled her. "Kristin, I haven't forgotten. I could never forget. I was upset at first and not ready to be a dad, but when you lost the baby, it hurt me, too. I realized what we could have had. I think about it, but I don't say anything, because you're always in such a great mood. I come home and there you are, ready to spend the evening with me. We have so much fun together. Of course it would be great if we could share all that with a baby and I really hope that someday in the future we can."
"I'm not ready," she said fearfully. Trying for another baby was one of her greatest fears as well as Brian finding out that she had already miscarried before they said their vows. It was a secret she had been holding onto for months and at times, she felt just about to burst.
"I'm not ready either. Maybe it's too soon, but when the time is right, I would like to try again."
Kristin nodded as she lay her head on Brian's chest, inhaling his scent. "Maybe we should name him. There was no funeral. There was no way of saying goodbye. I needed that - a way to say goodbye to our son."
"That's a good idea, Kristin. What would you like to name him?"
She smiled as she had a name already in mind for their little one. "I always thought that Brandon would be a nice name for a little boy."
"I like it. Brandon Emerson. It's a good solid name. Do I get to pick the middle name?
Kristin nodded. "Okay. Steven was my dad's name. How about Brandon Steven Emerson?" suggested Brian.
"It's perfect," she said. "The hurt is still there, but it's eased up just a little. I won't have to think of our baby as 'it' or 'him' anymore. His name is Brandon."
Brian hugged Kristin tight. "Whenever you're sad and if you want to talk about our baby, I am here to listen," he said as he kissed the top of her head.
"Thank you."
She knew someday she'd have to come clean and tell him the truth. She feared that day more than anything. Would Brian leave her once he found out that she lost the baby before they were married? Suzi knew, but so far, she hadn't told a soul. No one else knew except Warren and he'd never tell. But Kristin knew in her heart that she couldn't keep the secret forever. It just wasn't right. Brian deserved to know the truth.
"I'll always love you... no matter what. You know that, Kristin," Brian said as if he were reading her mind.
Kristin's eyes of sky blue stared up into Brian's dark brown ones. "I'll always love you, too," she said as she held onto him even tighter.