UGH! Nickelodeon is now requiring a completely original comedy pilot! I got the next 3 chapters finished, not counting this one. I'll release them at my usual time, but I'll need another break to develop AN ORIGINAL SHOW! Sorry.
PROLOGUE
A FROG? THAT'S NEW!
{A frog… who wished to be... an astronaut.}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 17: Chat and the Giant Beanstalk
By: I Write Big
It was a beautiful night in Paris, France. The stars were sparkling. The moon was shining. And a giant four-story baby was on a rampage. Again.
Gigantitan had returned!
"Ba-ba-ba-cake!" the destroyer of worlds gurgled as they waddled towards the Dupain-Cheng Patissiere.
The Baker burst out of the front door in full flour getup and twirled his steel-lined bread paddle. "It's past your bedtime, little fella!" he declared.
The Candlestick Maker cartwheeled to his side. "No midnight snacks for you!"
"Cake!" Gigantitan cooed and raised a massive hand to rip the bakery's roof open. But then a yo-yo wrapped around his wrist. Holding the other end of that yo-yo was Ladybug!
"You're telling me we fought this Gigantitan before?" she asked Chat Noir.
"Y'up," he replied suavely. "And you were very impressed with my baby-handling skills. Said I looked like real father material."
"Well, you definitely have the terrible sense of humor for it," she groaned before Gigantitan suddenly whipped off her feet. Ladybug flew across the street and smacked into a billboard. She took a moment to clear her head and noticed it was a billboard for her Adrien's cologne and she was pressed against his digitally enlarged lips.
"Heh heh," she smiled lecherously, "Oh boy, I think giant Adrien is a turn on for me. Does that make me a Size Queen?" She slid off the billboard and into the arms of Chat Noir.
"And after you said I'd make a great father I told you how I planned to be a more present father in our future family's life than my own father Gabri—"
"Chat, enough. I appreciate you helping me with my memories, but please don't lie to make yourself look better. Lucky Charm!" Ladybug threw her yo-yo in the air and down came a polka-dotted enormous metal doughnut!
"But you did actually say I'd make a good fath—"
The doughnut crushed Chat Noir.
"CAKE!" Gigantitan cheered. He grabbed the doughnut and tried to take a huge bite out of it. CRUNCH! The metal bent but there was no cake inside. "Yuck!" Gigantitan hurled the doughnut and it crashed into the top floor of the Dupain-Cheng home.
"That's Marinette's bedroom!" cried The Baker. The man dashed upstairs to rescue his daughter. Outside, the battle against the Akuma raged on. The house shook alongside a monstrous, "CAKE!"
A section of the house collapsed, blocking his path. The Baker punched a secret button in the wall and a hidden compartment of bakery-themed weaponry popped open. He grabbed the spirally one covered with sprinkles and pointed it at the debris.
"Doughnut Drill!"
The gadget whirred to life and he tunneled his way through to the kitchen.
He heard Chat Noir call out, "Cataclysm!" and the ceiling that also served as the floor of Marinette's bedroom cracked open as if an earthquake had struck.
"Marinette!" he yelled.
No response.
He scrambled up the last staircase, but the trapdoor was stuck. Some heavy debris on the other side was weighing it down.
"Baker Bash!" He threw his entire body against the wood but it wouldn't budge. "Marinette!" he called again, but there was still no response.
"Miraculous Ladybug!" he heard Ladybug shout and in a wave of magical insects, the door was cleared.
"Marinette!" The Baker stormed in and up the ladder to his daughter's bed. There was her blue head poking just out of the bedsheets, safe and sound. "Oh, Marinette, you had me so worried that I—"
He pulled back the bedsheet. It was a doll's head labeled "Decoy."
"Sabine!" he screamed.
His wife tumbled through the trapdoor. "What?!"
"Our daughter is missing! Hurry, fire up the Candlestick Tracking Device!"
Outside:
Gigantitan was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed back into baby August. Ladybug took the infant and the pacifier that came with him.
"Really? This is the troublemaker?" she sighed.
"Goo-goo-gaga!" August said, which meant, "You may have won this time, Ladybug and Chat Noir, but one day I shall bathe in your blood!" in baby-talk but the heroes couldn't understand him.
"UGH! He's too adorable, I can't stand it. You take him." Ladybug shoved the toddler into Chat Noir's arms and swung to the roof of the bakery.
Meanwhile, in The Baker and The Candlestick Maker's Evil Lair:
"I don't know about this, Tom," The Candlestick Maker said as she lit the jade candle. "We swore we'd only use this in an emergency."
"This is an emergency!" The Baker wailed. "Our vulnerable baby girl is missing! She could be hurt! Or lost!"
"Or out with a boy?"
The Baker's tears stopped and a dark shadow crossed his face.
"She is at that age."
The dark shadow got even darker.
"I know when I was her age I was constantly sneaking into boys' bedrooms at night for a little fortune cookie delight—"
"SABINE!"
"What? I was hot and I knew it." The Candlestick Maker stuck the lit candle into the mouth of a jade dragon. The ancient spirits channeled through the mystical statue, gathering in its eyes. The orbs glowed and projected a live street map of Paris. A little blue dot blinked at an intersection.
"Oh, she's on the roof."
On the roof:
Ladybug transformed back into Marinette and stretched her arms. It was time for a nice relaxing bath and a good night's rest. She only then noticed the pacifier still in her hands.
On the street:
"I wasn't lying," Chat Noir told baby August. "Bugaboo really did say I'd make a good father. And now that I think about it, when I mentioned my Father, she screamed NO and made this weird smiley face and suddenly acted like she didn't know where she was. I wonder what caused that."
"Gummy!" August whined, which in baby-talk meant, "Fool! You are clearly the one who is damaging her memories!"
"Gummy?" Chat Noir squinted at the baby, then up at the roof. "Of course, your pacifier. M'Lady still has it."
"Gummy!" August insisted, which meant, "Yes, feline one, sate my desire to suckle!"
Chat Noir extended his staff and launched them both to the roof. Waiting for him there with the pacifier was his Number One Fan.
"Marinette?"
The girl froze like a robber caught in a policeman's spotlight.
The cat-boy's eyes flicked from her to the pacifier in her hand to her to August to her to the street to her to the pacifier to her to the pacifier.
"Fuck..." Marinette whispered.
"Is it just me," Chat Noir asked, his face growing more suspicious with every word, "or is this not the first time I've run into you right after LB has transformed back?"
"Fuck," Marinette whimpered.
"In fact, I don't think I've ever seen you or Bugaboo in the same place at the same time."
"Fuck!" Marinette wheezed.
"Wa-baba-wa," August mewled, which meant, "It's so obvious! How could I not see it before?!"
Chat Noir gasped, "Could you be—"
"I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" Marinette screamed at the top of her lungs. She threw her arms around Chat Noir and kissed him ferociously.
This was the first boy she'd kissed without dying. True, she'd kissed Adrien as Ladybug and survived, but it was the power of the Miraculous that had kept her alive in that glorious moment. This was her first real kiss with no safety net.
She was not ready.
BWUUUEEEEEGH!
Lighter than air, Marinette flew through the cosmos guided by a cat-eared star. Cradled in its warmth, she found happiness and joy she never thought possible. The worries and terrors of the Akumas and Paris were far away, where they couldn't hurt her. She never wanted to let go.
BWUUUEEEEEGH!
"Blub-pla!" August chortled, which meant, "As a baby, time has no meaning to me but you two have been making out for longer than the Teletubbies theme song."
That made Marinette open her eyes. It was the gasp of her dad that made her pull back.
"Well I never," Tom Dupain glowered from the trapdoor.
"D-Dad, this isn't what it looks like!" Marinette shouted.
Chat Noir suddenly remembered he only had one life left and turned to escape with it. A hand bigger than his head landed on his shoulder.
"Hold on," a deeply unsettling voice rumbled in his ear, "where do you think you're going..."
Chat Noir gulped.
"...future son-in-law?" Tom finished, as happy as can be.
Chat Noir blinked. "Huh?"
Marinette blinked. "Huh?"
August burped, which meant, "Hah! I love shotgun weddings."
"I was so worried my daughter would be running around with some delinquent," Tom said, pulling Chat Noir into a hug that nearly snapped the boy in half, "but a hero? She has excellent taste. Ooh, I bet she makes you purr."
"DAD!" Marinette yelled.
"No need to hide it, honey." Tom patted his daughter, who was seconds away from dying from embarrassment. "I saw your little kissing session. Never have I ever seen a truer love than yours and I am all for it. Chat Noir, why don't you join us for Sunday brunch tomorrow and you can tell us all about your love life."
"Uh, thank you, sir," Chat Noir said carefully, "but I don't think that would be appropriate. Marinette and I haven't really been dat—"
The gentle hand on his shoulder suddenly clenched until Chat Noir felt his shoulder dislocate. "I said, why don't you join us for brunch tomorrow," Tom growled. "Or are you just using my daughter for kissing practice?"
"See you tomorrow. Can't wait," Chat Noir whimpered.
"Swell!" Tom said, all traces of bloodlust gone. He happily popped Chat Noir's arm back in its socket and sent him on his way. "I'm so excited to get to know your first boyfriend, Marinette. He's quite a catch. I'd better get started on your romantic meal."
Tom kissed his daughter and pranced downstairs.
Marinette screamed.
Blocks away:
"Being perfectly honest here," Chat Noir told August as he carried the baby back home, "I did not see that coming. I was going to ask if Marinette was Ladybug's secret sidekick who helped on the sidelines without getting any of the credit. Sort of like a super intern."
"Goo-boo," August gurgled, which meant, "But it turns out she was Ladybug the whole time! I know, it's crazy! I hope I don't magically forget this amazing fact after I finally find a way to reverse the gypsy's curse and return to my natural age of 55."
"But it turns out Marinette is in love with me." Chat Noir's hand reached towards his still tingling lips. "My Number One Fan loves me."
Suddenly, his mind crept back to SOLITUDE again, only instead of his Mother or Kagami naked under the umbrella, it was Marinette. She gazed lovingly back at him, tracing a finger down her exposed cleavage, nibbling an irresistible macaron between her, as he recently discovered, pillowy soft lips. That good/bad tremble shook Chat Noir's body again.
"AAH! Why do I keep imagining girls naked!" he yelled.
"Goo?" asked August.
Back in Marinette's bedroom:
Marinette was washing her mouth out with a bar of soap to get rid of the taste of Chat Noir. "Ugh! Tikki, what the hell am I going to do?!"
"I know," Tikki said without an ounce of care. "Not only do you love Adrien and Luka but now Chat Noir? Quit trying to make a harem and just sleep with all of them and stick with the one who's the best in bed. That's what everyone else does!"
"I am not in love with Chat Noir! I had no choice but to kiss him! He was about to figure out I was Ladybug!"
"Right, sure, because there was no reasonable explanation for you to be at your own home, holding a pacifier that Ladybug could've easily given to you for safekeeping while she ran off to transform."
The suggestion of this perfectly rational idea that anyone with half a brain could've come up with made Marinette spit out her soap.
"Holy crap," she said, staring at herself in the mirror. "Tikki, do I..."
"You swapped spit with him for three straight minutes. I timed it." Tikki smiled sadistically. "So, probably."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Downstairs:
Sabine matched her daughter's horror. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?! MARINETTE IS IN LOVE WITH A HERO!"
"I know, I know," Tom said as he paced nervously around the room.
"This is bad! He's going to figure out who we are and then he'll tell Ladybug and… AH! Why did you even invite him over for brunch?!" Sabine demanded.
"Because of Marinette! You should've seen the way she held him, Sabine. It's like they didn't know I was there. I've never seen a girl more in love and I didn't want to destroy her happiness. I invited him without thinking. We have to hide anything that could reveal our secret identities." He grabbed his wife. "Honey, tomorrow we have to be the most normal non-supervillain parents in Paris and not ruin Marinette's date."
"Right!" Sabine nodded. "How do we do that?"
"I have no idea."
At Adrien's:
"Man, just come out of there," Plagg whined.
"No!" Adrien's voice shouted from inside the bathroom. "I'm not coming out until I get rid of these unclean thoughts about Marinette. She's my friend, I shouldn't be objectifying her like this!"
"Dude, quit lying, I know you're masturbating."
"No, I'm not! I am banishing the sexy thoughts of Marinette with sheer willpower!"
"Yeah, exactly, masturbating. You have no problem with having sexy thoughts about Ladybug."
"Ladybug and Marinette are two completely different people!"
Plagg took a deep, comforting, frustrated breath and said, "Screw it. Adrien, Marinette is Ladybug." At least that's what he attempted to say. What actually came out of the Kwami's mouth was, "Screw it. Adrien—GLLGUBLULLLU!" That last bit of gibberish was the sound of a wall of bubbles being spat out.
"What was that?" Adrien asked.
"Hold on." Plagg grabbed a pen and paper and tried to write down the message "Marinette is Ladybug." Somehow his words spelled "Bubbles bubbles Bubbles." Plagg crumpled the paper and tossed it. "Adrien, do you know morse code?"
"Yes."
"Okay, listen carefully." Plagg tapped out "Marinette is Ladybug." He waited for Adrien to translate.
"Why did you say, 'bubbles,' over and over?"
"Wow, that spell is thorough," Plagg muttered.
KER-FLUSH!
Adrien finally came out, looking much more relaxed. "There, all gone."
"Sheer willpower triumphs again, huh?"
"Y'up, and now that my head is clear, I've decided to go to brunch tomorrow in order to let Marinette down easy. I can't go out with her because I already love Ladybug."
"Can't you at least bang Marinette first?" Plagg begged.
"Nope."
"UGH! This is Kagami all over again!"
The next day:
Adrien was making a to-do list based on a "How to Reject A Girl" Wikipedia article. "Is Father going to join me for lunch?" he asked Nathalie at the door.
"Apologies, Adrien," she replied, "but your pre-scheduled shared meal together isn't until—" She stopped talking. No one interrupted her. She had stopped talking on her own because she saw Duusu floating at the table, mischievously adding little chaotic details to Adrien's to-do list.
"What's wrong, Nathalie?" Adrien asked. He started to follow her gaze to the Kwami when she shouted.
"Why don't you eat upstairs?!"
Adrien snapped back to the woman. "Upstairs? Why?"
"Because-Because-Because, uh..." As Nathalie scrambled for an excuse, Duusu picked up a table knife and sliced off a lock of Adrien's hair. "Because you can practice your Chinese up there and-and-and talking to yourself while you eat will make it feel like you're having a meal with your family!"
"Uh—"
"GO! NOW!" Nathalie shoved the to-do list into his hands and threw the boy out of the banquet room. She turned to glare at Duusu but the Kwami was gone. Its haunting laughter echoed from a nearby open-air vent. It was a nasty laugh, cackling without humor. Dark. Guttural. The laugh of an animal about to devour its prey.
"Sir, it's in the ventilation," she said into her walkie-talkie.
Gabriel's voice crackled back, "Release the nanobots."
Across the city:
Tom was making another batch of his trademark Baker's Memory Erasing Dough. His wife was busy hiding anything that was remotely made of jade. Upstairs, on the roof, the girl of the hour was panicking.
"It means nothing!" Marinette frantically told herself. Her hair frayed out wildly in every direction and her eyes were bloodshot from the sleepless night. "Anyone would've screamed that they loved Chat Noir and threw themself at him when they needed a distraction. There's no connection, nothing to read into, no Freudian slip. Who would fall in love with a pun-spewing, perverted dumbass who listens to what I have to say, goes out of his way to help me whenever I ask, and has literally sacrificed his life multiple times in order to protect me? Nobody! That's who! HAHAHAHAHAH!"
"Whoa," said Tikki, "I did not think this is what would break you."
"I couldn't care less about Chat Noir!" Marinette concluded. "And besides, he's not coming. He doesn't even like me. I'm just a fan to him, his only fan, but just a fan. He's head over heels for Ladybug. Chat Noir is never going to leave Ladybug for me."
"You are Ladybug."
Marinette glared at her. "Stop bringing logic into this."
Then she heard the mechanical tzing of Chat Noir's staff extending and shortening in the distance.
"Oh my Astruc," she whispered and spun around. There was Chat Noir, hopping along the rooftops towards her. Her heart fluttered. "He's here. He's really going to do it. He's going to leave Ladybug for me. That bastard! Is that all Ladybug means to him? Just one declaration of love followed by a make-out session and he's over her? I'm gonna skin that heartless cat alive and then I'm going to take Ladybug out for a girls' night and show her she don't need no man!"
"Again," Tikki said, "you are Ladybug."
Marinette marched down to the kitchen, raring to tear Chat Noir a new one.
Ding-dong, went the doorbell.
"He's here!" Tom shrieked with dread. Then he cleared his throat and said in a more gushy tone, "Oh boy, he's here!" He quickly straightened the thousands of lovey-dovey flowers he'd bought to hide the multiple secret buttons, fixed his hair, and forced his wedding ring into Marinette's hands. The silver band was wide enough to muzzle a horse. "Your grandma made it from the tooth fillings of her rival gang leaders, she wanted you to have it."
"Dad. Stop. Please."
Marinette shoved the family heirloom back into Tom's barrel-sized arms and ripped open the door. On the other side stood Chat Noir, posing like a bodybuilder and flexing every ripped muscle in his body. Between his teeth was a pretty pink flower.
"Greetings, my Number One Fan!" he boomed.
"Hello, you horny, ass-chasing, womanizer," she seethed back.
"WE'RE NOT VILLAINS!"
Everybody stared at Tom.
Sabine grabbed the bowl of Memory Erasing Dough.
Five minutes later:
Ding-dong, went the doorbell.
Marinette ripped open the door.
"Greetings, my Number One Fan!" Chat Noir boomed. Then he smacked his lips. "Does the inside of your mouth suddenly taste like green flour?"
"Hello, you horny, ass-chasing, womanizer," she seethed back.
"Chat Noir! You made it!" Tom pushed through and shook the hero's hand. "You can call me The Baker and that's my wife The Candlestick Maker."
Everybody stared at Tom.
Sabine grabbed the bowl again.
Five minutes later:
Ding-dong, went the doorbell.
Marinette ripped open the door.
"Greetings, my Number One Fan!" Chat Noir boomed.
"Hello, you horny, ass-chasing, womanizer," she seethed back, brushing the green flour off her shoulder.
"D'awww~!" Tom cooed. "They already have cutesy nicknames for each other." The man took a photo, printed it, and added the pic to his collage of the most cherished moments in Marinette's life.
"Before things get out of hand," Chat Noir started to say, "I wanted to clear up to your parents that we've never actually date—"
"HE BROUGHT HER A FLOWER!" Tom sobbed forced tears of joy. He quickly encased the gift in a vacuum-sealed glass jar to be forever preserved in the Louvre. "It's so beautiful. Chat Noir, you gentleman, such a suave young Casanova. Treating my daughter like the Disney princess that she is."
Some wiring short-circuited and the family's TV started to slide aside to reveal the cave that led to The Baker and The Candlestick Maker's Evil Lair.
"What was that?" asked Chat.
"NOTHING!" Tom blocked their view and shouted, "YOU SHOULD KISS EACH OTHER HELLO!"
Both teens went pale.
"KISS!" Tom lifted them off their feet and pressed their lips together like a pair of dolls. "This is a normal thing non-supervillain parents do!"
"Tom!" Sabine quickly sealed the cave and tried to pull the man away, but the petite woman only managed to steer her huge husband to the table where he plopped the lovebirds into their chairs.
Chat Noir quickly apologized about the kiss but Marinette didn't hear him. That had been her second kiss that didn't kill her. She was up in the stars again.
"...Bwuuueeeeegh..." she whispered.
"You'll have to forgive him," Sabine said to them gently as Tom stumbled to the kitchen. "Tom has always been a hopeless romantic. You know, like most non-supervillain dads. How about we have a nice calm meal and talk about simple non-supervillain topics like the latest movies or—"
"Who wants to share a milkshake?" Tom sang. A tall glass filled with a foamy strawberry mixture was pushed between the kids. The sickeningly pink thing was covered with hearts and a photoshopped image of Marinette and Chat Noir kissing passionately. A pair of curly straws poked out of the mountain of whipped cream, bent to spell the word: "MariChat."
Sabine sighed as she extinguished the sparklers that were raging over the dessert. "Tom, what happened to the crepes?"
"Threw them out. Not non-supervillain enough," he shrugged. "So tell me, Chat Noir, as a superhero do you think it matters if a pair of supervillains escaped the law as long as they retired from committing crimes, got married, and dedicated their lives to raising a family—"
"Tom, you can stop talking now, I already erased their memories," Sabine said, pulling the dizzy teens' heads out of the bowl.
"Thank you. I couldn't stop."
Five Minutes Later:
"Tell me, Chat Noir," Tom said as he pushed the now slightly melted milkshake between the two. "Do you think you'll always be a hero?"
Sabine shot him a warning glare.
"Um," Chat started to say.
"You're right, dad!" Marinette shouted over the cat-boy. "Being the girlfriend of a superhero is really dangerous. I'd probably be the target of kidnapping and regularly strapped to rockets that'll be blasted to the moon."
"Or tied to a conveyor belt and slowly inched towards a cauldron of boiling candle wax," Sabine added with nostalgia.
"Uh," Chat started to say.
"She's right!" shouted Tom. "Listen to your girlfriend. You should give up on the whole pursuit of justice line of work and become a baker like me. It'll be great! I'll teach you the art of bread while slowly indoctrinating you in the ways of robbery. Forget I said that last part, please. We're almost out of Memory Erasing Dough."
"Tom!" Sabine slapped a hand over the man's mouth. "How about you take a break from incriminating us and let Chat Noir talk for a bit."
Tom, thankfully, kept his trap shut.
Everyone waited patiently as Chat Noir finished the milkshake. He wiped his mouth and leaped onto the table.
"Marinette!" he boldly proclaimed and took a heroic pose. Tom and Sabine, assuming the worst, drew the weapons they had taped under their chairs. "It is true what your parents say. Being a hero is a dangerous profession. Many foes have I fought and many times has my life been forfeit in the name of justice. But I'd gladly do it every day for the rest of my life as long as I knew you were there!"
Marinette's heart skipped a beat.
Tom and Sabine, not taking any chances, kept their weapons aimed at the hero's back.
"Every time I fail, every time I am bested," Chat Noir pounded his chest, "I only need to think of you cheering my name! You believing that I can win! It is the thought of you that keeps me going! You are why I keep fighting, Marinette! YOU! MY NUMBER ONE FAN!"
His mighty cry shook the house and several car alarms blared in the street. Marinette couldn't take her eyes off the boy. His words had struck her like a hurricane and left her winded, feeling something she couldn't quite name.
"That being said, I can't go out with you."
It suddenly got very quiet.
"H-Huh...?" Marinette said.
"Yeah, I like you, you're a great person, but I simply love Ladybug."
Whatever that unnamed feeling was, it was quickly smothered and replaced with relief. "Oh thank Astr—" Marinette saw her gaping parents still in the room. "I mean, you're rejecting me?! No! All those months of watching you from a distance, pining to bury my face in your leathery chest, dreaming of cuddling with you under a blanket and watching romantic-comedies, WASTED!"
"Um," Chat Noir shrugged. "We can still do the movie night thing. There's no reason why we can't be frien—"
"NO! Even the thought of being near you without having your pointy ears all to myself is too painful!" Marinette wailed and chucked the heart-shaped souffle her dad had made into the garbage disposal. "I'll never open my heart to another boy again. I'm going to die a virgin!" Pinching herself until tears started to spill, Marinette made a show of stumbling up to her room where the crying immediately became laughing.
"HAHA!" she chuckled triumphantly. "Dodged a bullet there. Can you believe it, Tikki? Chat Noir doesn't love me, he's still in love with Ladybug. Good riddance! Let that poor polka-dotted sucker deal with his clinginess."
Tikki's eye twitched. "For the last time, you are Lady—Forget it! I give up!"
A floor below, Chat Noir was still on the table. Now having successfully made a complete ass out of himself, he wondered what was the next step of rejecting a girl. He turned to Marinette's parents.
Tom Dupain was, in a word, livid. Steam billowed off the man's broad shoulders. His eyes glowed with a level of fury Chat Noir thought only Ladybug could conjure. Sabine, while disappointed for her daughter, was more scared for the boy.
The woman fired her candle-themed blaster at Tom and he was temporarily entombed in wax.
"Run!" she ordered.
Chat Noir jumped out the window.
Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:
A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man explaining a chart that had many crisscrossing lines. "Okay, so, this Marinette girl has the hots for Chat Noir but Chat Noir loves Ladybug, however, Ladybug clearly hates Chat Noir and she evidently has a thing for my son who up until this point I had assumed was dating that robot Ladybug he got on the internet. I call it the Love Parallelogram." Hawkmoth capped his marker and looked proudly at his worker. "I think that covers it. What do you think? I was going to go with Love Square but I think Parallelogram sounds cooler."
Nathalie groaned. "I think, sir, that you're doing everything possible to ignore the real problem." She pointed behind him where Duusu laughed maniacally as the nanobot cloud meant to destroy it tried desperately to get away from the Kwami.
"Where are you going, fellas? Come back?" Duusu called with a sick grin. "I just wanna be friends. HAHAHAHAHOOOHOOOHOHOHOHHEHEHEHEHE!"
"I have no clue what you're talking about," Hawkmoth said. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm too busy to deal with Duusu. I have to akumatize someone!" He shoved Nathalie out and filled one of his butterflies with darkness.
Back at the bakery:
The wax started to crack.
"Tom, listen to me," Sabine said soothingly, patching the prison. "This is a good thing, remember? Now we don't have to worry about Ladybug and Chat Noir finding us."
A chunk of wax flew off.
"Marinette will get over it. She'll find someone new. Someone who isn't a superhero."
A fist fired through the wax and broke the glass jar holding the flower Chat Noir had brought. Tom grabbed the plant at the same time as a black butterfly. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man.
"Hey there, big guy, I know exactly how you're feeling," Hawkmoth said sympathetically. "Your kid is growing up too fast. The world is a dangerous place. You need to keep them safe. Well, you know what will keep your kid safe?"
"Locking them up in their room and never allowing anyone to see or hurt them ever again?" hissed Tom.
"Exactly! Great minds think alike. Who needs trust and understanding when you can imprison the ones you love against their will so they'll never leave you!"
"I like it!" Tom growled before he was swallowed by bubbling darkness. The darkness expanded up the walls and into Marinette's room.
"He doesn't love me! He doesn't love me!" Marinette sang and danced awfully to a song only she could hear. She didn't notice the bubbling darkness cocooning her. Tikki grabbed some popcorn and settled in for the show.
Outside:
Chat Noir was checking off his rejection to-do list on his cat-pad. "Escape by the hair of my teeth? Check. Final step: assume a new identity and pray to never run into someone with the last name Dupain-Cheng ever again. Huh, I don't remember writing that down and that's clearly not my handwriting. Oh well, it's on the list." He donned a sombrero. "And now begins the tale of El Gato Negro! Olé!"
KABOOM!
The roof of the Dupain-Cheng Patissierre exploded open and a giant thorny beanstalk rapidly grew into the sky.
"Ay, chihuahua!" swore El Gato Negro.
Inside:
Sabine stared up the beanstalk that reached beyond the clouds. "Well… gàn."
The boy who caused this mess charged in. "Señora Cheng," he said in a thick Spanish accent. "Soy El Gato Negro, no relation to Chat Noir, and I am here to, how you say, ayuda. Does your hija need a hug?"
"This isn't Marinette," she replied, marching to the kitchen. "This is Tom, Chat Noir."
"Chat Noir? Who is this muchacho you speak of? He is muy guapo?"
Sabine punched a secret code into the microwave keypad and the oven popped open. Out of the oven slid a metal briefcase. "In Case Tom Gets Akumatized" was written across its surface in dark letters. "Tom always took things too far and when Hawkmoth started abusing people's emotions I knew I'd need to be prepared. Here, you'll need this." She opened the case and revealed her trump card.
"A croissant?"
"Not just any croissant, Chat Noir. This croissant was handmade by Tom's long-estranged dad. It was the last meal he ever made for his son. I've been carefully preserving it for this day." She gazed up the beanstalk with fierce determination. "One taste of this croissant and whatever is left of Tom will rush to the surface long enough for you to defeat him."
"Wow, that's amazing," said El Gato Negro. "Guess I shouldn't have eaten it."
Sabine stared at the now empty briefcase.
El Gato Negro wiped the crumbs off his face and gave the woman an over the top thumbs-up. "Do not worry, Señora Cheng. I shall rescue your familia." Then he scampered up the beanstalk with cat-like agility.
"What the hell does my daughter see in you?" Sabine muttered.
Up in the air:
El Gato Negro leaped from giant thorn to giant thorn, scaling the redwood-thick vine as fast as he could.
"Phew, this thing goes pretty high," he said as he broke through the clouds. "Better up here than down in the city where this stuff could hurt people."
An airplane passed by, clipping its wing on the beanstalk. One of the turbines exploded and the entire thing crashed in a great ball of fire.
Up in the stratosphere:
At the top of this behemoth of a plant was a giant cluster of vines and trapped deep within its tangles was Marinette. The girl crawled through her new surroundings, desperate to find an exit. There was nothing but vines, thorns, and leaves as far as the eye could see.
"Hello? Anybody?" she called. Her voice echoed around her as if she were in a deep canyon. "Mom? Dad? Tikki?"
"Marinette? Can you hear me?" replied a child-like voice.
"Tikki! Keep talking. I'll follow the sound of your voice."
"You got it. I'll just keep saying random words and sounds. You. Are. A. Dumbass."
Marinette gasped. Tikki's voice had somehow come from five completely different directions. "Oh no! Tikki, I think these plants are magically bouncing your voice around so I can't escape."
On the outside of the vine prison, Tikki tried to hold in her snickers as she flew to another random spot and called out, "Really? But I didn't move, I swear. I'll hold completely still and try again. You keep listening." She flew to another spot. "I." And another. "Hate." And another. "Your." And another. "Face."
"This isn't working, Tikki," Marinette groveled, much to the Kwami's amusement. "Oh wait! I know what to do!"
Tikki smiled, eager to mess with the girl again. "You do? What?"
"Tikki, spots on!"
Tikki stopped smiling. Magic siphoned her into the cluster like a magnet. "FUCK!" she cried as she smacked into a thorn. "FUCK!" And another. "FUCK!" And another. "FUCK!" And another. "FUCK!" And just kept going, pulled along by the Miraculous. Unfortunately for the Kwami, the vines were enchanted to make sure no one ever crossed paths with Marinette, so… this was going to be a looong and bumpy ride.
Down in the troposphere:
El Gato Negro pulled himself up to the first stretch of vines that formed a flattish plain. On the far side waited the next leg of the beanstalk that shot straight up into the air. He started for it but was then cut off by a hulking, hairy, wolfman covered in vines!
"You broke my daughter's heart!" roared Weredad.
"Oh, no, no, no, you are mistaken, señor. That was Chat Noir." The cat-boy shook a pair of maracas. "Soy El Gato Negro, no relation."
Weredad squinted at the boy. A pair of neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and Hawkmoth squinted at him too.
"Hmm..." Hawkmoth said. "Nope, that isn't him. Chat Noir doesn't wear a hat."
"Ooh, my bad, El Gato Negro." Weredad stepped aside.
"No problemo. Happens all the time." El Gato Negro confidently made his way to the next beanstalk and continued to climb.
"Chat Noir! Come up here and face me!" Weredad howled like a wolf at the edge, ready to pummel the cat-boy the second he showed his face.
"Hi-ho, giant!" called a young lad as he climbed up. He was dressed like a peasant from medieval times. "My name is Jack and I have come to plunder your castle in the sky for its golden-egg laying goose and singing harp. Have at thee!"
Weredad punted Jack into the clouds.
Up in the cluster:
The echoes of Tikki smacking into something and then painfully shouting, "FUCK!" weren't getting any closer. Marinette needed a new plan. She figured as long as she went in a straight line, she'd eventually find an edge. But no matter how far she went she couldn't see a speck of blue sky in the green. It was like the vines kept going on forever.
"Screw this," she grumbled. "Tikki, if you can hear me, spit a fireball and burn this plant to the ground."
"No! Wait! Don't!" a powerful voice thundered around her.
"What the fuck…?" Marinette said.
SMACK! "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.
"So impatient. Fine, you win. I am Hathor, the Egyptian god of Love!" the powerful voice continued. "You have done well to get this far, young Seeker of Love. To complete your quest and win the heart of the princess, one final challenge awaits."
The world shook under Marinette's feet and the vines shifted. With thick groaning, layers of green parted like curtains to reveal a great pyramid made of vines. At the top, a spotlight shined upon the pink flower Chat Noir had brought her.
"Aha!" Marinette said. "That must be where the Akuma is hiding. Too easy."
The girl took one step toward the pyramid and was nearly sliced in half by a swinging thorny vine.
"Not so fast, young Seeker of Love. The path is treacherous."
Indeed, the way to the pyramid was dotted with sharp vines, swinging like hanging blades out of a classic video game dungeon level. Pissed beyond reason, Marinette dug her nails into the swinging vine and tore it out of the cluster.
"Hey! Whoa!"
"Out of my way!"
Marinette barreled forward, using her new vine weapon to whack the other obstacles aside. She reached the base of the pyramid in less than ten seconds.
"For the love of Ra! What was that? That was supposed to teach you the values of patience and perseverance and how they are essential in love."
"Don't care, knockoff Cupid!" Marinette ripped a pair of thorns out of her vine and used them as climbing axes to scale the pyramid in record time.
"Stop! Stop! The steps are supposed to flatten and make you fall to illustrate that love can be an uphill battle!"
"You really like metaphors, don't ya, Hathor?" Marinette replied as she reached the peak. "How about this for a metaphor? What I just did illustrates how everything you think you know about love is crap." Marinette reached for the flower. As soon as her fingers wrapped around the stem... ZAP! A crippling shock raced through her body. "YEE-OUCH!"
SMACK! "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.
"Oh no you don't! Do you know how long I've waited for someone to invoke a magical love quest? Do you? I mean, I don't because I'm immortal and time is as meaningless to me as it is to babies, but I'm assuming it was a very long time. Take this seriously and learn something about love or you don't get your princess!"
"I am the princess!" Marinette hissed at the walls. She rubbed her sore hand and went for another grab at the flower. "And I don't need a Seeker of Love to rescue MEE-OUCH!"
"UGH! You're one of those Gen Z feminist types, aren't you? Whatever happened to the good old days when you could kidnap a girl, give her to the first man who breaks down your door, and she'd happily marry him? Oh, wait! Hold on, someone else is here. Just a sec."
Outside the cluster:
El Gato Negro finally reached his destination. Now he only needed to go in there and find Marinette.
"O Noble Seeker of Love," a powerful voice thundered around him. "Have you come to claim the hand of the princess?"
"Uh lo siento, disembodied voice," he said, hopping into the cluster. "Marinette is una gran chica and all but she's more of a Numero Uno Fan to me and I only call her Princessa as a fun nickname that fits with the whole valiant knight motif that I'm going for."
"DAMMIT!"
"Marinette, if you can hear me, keep talking! I'll follow the sound of your voice and rescue you!" he proudly called and delved deeper into the green. His Number One Fan's voice was still too distant to make out what she was saying, but he was sure it was endless praise for his bravery.
SMACK! "FUCK!" a child-like voice shouted behind him.
El Gato Negro turned in time to get a Kwami missile to the face. The impact launched him out of the cluster.
"Puta madre!" he screamed as he fell towards his doom.
On the pyramid:
Hathor returned to find Marinette using a thorn to saw the pedestal that was holding the flower in place. The god used a vine to whip the thorn out of her hands. "Stop that. Since nobody here wants to do this the old fashioned way, I'll make this more modern." The spotlight on the flower became a 21st-century fluorescent lightbulb shade. "Speak the name of the one you love and freedom shall be yours."
"That's more like it. Adrien," Marinette said, grasping the flower. ZAP! "OUCH! What the hell?!"
SMACK! "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.
"Speak the name of the one you love and freedom shall be yours," Hathor repeated.
"Um… Luka?" Marinette reached hesitantly. ZAP! "OUCH!"
"Speak the name of the—"
"What do you want me to say, huh?" True fear froze her in place. "Oh no… Don't tell me it's… Chat Noir? It can't be him. That whole screaming 'I love you' and three minutes of kissing was just… a mistake? Yeah! A spur of the moment mistake I had to go with that got out of hand. I don't love him."
Time passed.
"Don't you want to check?"
"No!" She glanced nervously at the flower. "But I will just to prove a point." Trembling as if she were on Death Row, Marinette grabbed the flower and squeaked, "Chat Noir." ZAP! "OUCH! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, sweet Astruc, THANK YOU! I told you I didn't love him."
SMACK! "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.
"Speak the name of the one you love," insisted Hathor.
"I did!" Marinette replied. "Your test is broken!"
"Did you? Or did you speak the name of the one you worship like a god followed by the name of the one you're too afraid to love followed by the name of the one you silently care for but are determined to hate?"
"I'm not determined to—I'm not afraid of—I—You—GAAAH!" Marinette growled and started hurling thorns in every direction she could. "Don't you dare tell me I don't love Adrien! Okay, maybe I used to be a bit stalkerish but I've toned it down! I can talk to him! I've danced with him! I'VE KISSED HIM! He is the sweetest most kindhearted boy I have ever met and I love Adrien!" She grabbed the flower. ZAP! "OUCH!"
SMACK! "FUCK!" echoed Tikki.
"Love can be a beautiful thing," Hathor said calmly, "but it takes time."
"ADRIEN!" ZAP! "OUCH!"
"It takes sacrifice."
"ADRIEN!" ZAP! "OUCH!"
"But most important of all…"
"ADRIEN!" ZAP! "OUCH!"
"...one cannot love another unless they already love themself."
"ADRIEN!" ZAP! "OUCH!"
"Hey, you listening? I'm kinda spelling the answer out for you here. Love yourself? Get it? Maybe you should try saying your own name?"
"Fuck you and fuck your impossible riddle!" Marinette grabbed the flower with both hands and grit her teeth. Pain ravaged her body but she didn't let go. She dug heels into the roots and threw her body back. She reached deep within herself and channeled that unnamable feeling of GLAAAWLAAAAALAL!
"I! LOVE! ADRIEN!"
ZA-snap.
The flower came out like nothing had been holding it in place.
"Wow. That's not healthy."
The stem broke in Marinette's iron grip and out fluttered the black butterfly. The vines around her shuddered and shriveled. Sunlight at long last spilled into the prison and Marinette finally saw the sky. Her happiness was short-lived as gravity made itself known.
Screaming Bloody Mary, Marinette tumbled towards the hard unforgiving Earth! Over the rushing wind, she heard something approach.
SMACK! "FUCK!"
Marinette spun her head around and saw Tikki being dragged towards her like a fish on an invisible hook. The Kwami smacked a few more thorns before reaching her and, in a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug!
"That's more like it!" she said.
Straightening her body, she aimed for the distant specks of her dad and Chat Noir, who was for some reason wearing a sombrero. Along the way, she de-evilized the butterfly and had time to check her email. She finally reached the falling men and asked, "Anyone need magical bullshit luck that stops people from hitting the ground at breakneck speed?"
"Mi amor!" El Gato Negro cheered. "I knew you'd save us. Isn't she wonderful, Señor Dupain? How can anyone not love her?" His sombrero flew off.
Tom gasped. "CHAT NOIR!? You broke my daughter's heart!" he roared and proceeded to strangle the boy.
"No! Dad—I mean, Mister Dupain, stop!" Ladybug wrestled with the man.
All three were too distracted to see the plane.
On the ground:
Sabine watched the multi-colored blob in the sky she assumed was her family, as well as Ladybug and Chat Noir, disappear into the plane's windshield. She heard a delayed smash of glass. The plane kept flying steadily onwards and for a second the woman considered driving to the airport to meet them there. Then the multi-colored blob erupted out the rear of the plane.
Up in the sky:
Ladybug grabbed hold of the two formerly fighting, currently unconscious fellows covered in complimentary packets of nuts and overpriced sandwiches. She aimed for her house and stopped falling inches from the ground.
"How did you..." Sabine started to say.
"Luck. Don't worry about it," Ladybug replied. Then she put her dad and Chat Noir down and cast Miraculous Ladybug.
All of the vines were taken away.
All of the airplanes were repaired.
Tom Dupain and Chat Noir were awoken.
"You bastard!" Tom shouted and resumed strangling Chat Noir. "How dare you hurt Marinette!"
"Marinette is fine!" shouted Ladybug. "She's up in her room! She's fine!"
Sabine and Tom gasped and ran upstairs. Tom was still strangling Chat Noir. "Marinette!" he cried.
Ladybug groaned and lassoed up to the roof.
In Marinette's room:
Ladybug dropped through the ceiling door and de-transformed seconds before her family arrived.
"Marinette!" Tom shouted with joy and hugged his daughter tightly. He was still strangling Chat Noir. "I have him, honey. How should we make him pay? Boil him in candle wax? Bake him in a loaf of bread? Frame him for tax fraud?"
"I say we let him go," Chat Noir wheezed.
"No!"
"Actually, dad, I agree with Chat Noir," said Marinette.
The eagerness to see the light fade from Chat Noir's eyes disappeared from Tom's face. His grip loosened and Chat Noir dropped to the floor. "But, honey… revenge…?"
"I don't need revenge, dad," Marinette said, helping Chat Noir to his feet. "Chat Noir has every right to love Ladybug and she's lucky to have him."
"But, but, but, you screamed that you loved him last night."
"Details."
"And then you kissed him."
"Details."
"For three minutes."
"DETAILS! I'm allowed to change my mind, dad, and I've decided that I'm officially over Chat Noir! No revenge!"
Tom's eyes began to water. "But, but, but—" Sabine took his arm.
"Tom, listen to your daughter. She's mature enough to handle her disappointment. Trust me, she can do better."
The man took a long moment and swallowed his pride. "Okay, honey."
Satisfied, Marinette turned to Chat Noir. The cat-boy was already back to doing his best bodybuilder pose. He was wearing the sombrero again. "Soy glad to see you buena again, Marinette," he boomed. "As a hero, the wellbeing of mi amigo Chat Noir's Numero Uno Fan is muy importante."
There was a thought at that moment in Marinette's head. She could correct Chat Noir. She could put an end to this whole Number One Fan misunderstanding. All Marinette had to do was say the words. She took a deep breath and removed his sombrero.
"I'm happy to be your Number One Fan and your friend, Chat Noir."
Still in his flexing pose, tears brimmed in the cat-boy's slitted eyes. "Really? We're still friends? You mean it?" he asked, dropping the accent.
"Of course, there's no reason why we can't still be friends."
And there was no reason why she couldn't be his Number One Fan. There were no downsides, it wasn't like they would have to date or anything like that. And if him thinking that Marinette was cheering for him on the sidelines made him fight harder, then maybe being his Number One (and only) Fan in the world wouldn't be so bad.
"Thank you, Marinette, you're so amazing!" Chat Noir said, hugging her one last time. He scampered to the window and made a final heroic pose. "I'll see you here next week for our first movie night, Number One Fan." Then he jumped away.
Marinette stared after him. "Wait, what did he say?"
END
Gàn = fuck in Chinese.
NEXT WEEK: THE PREMISE OF 80% OF ALL MARICHAT FANFICS!