Chapter 21. Callie

So last night went well. So much better than Callie could have hoped.

Despite that woman turning up. She thought she handled it pretty well. Arizona was so happy and surprised by how calm she was when Callie and Arizona had noticed Lauren. Though Arizona didn't notice how terrified, angry and down right pissed off Callie was, on the inside at seeing Lauren.

But it was Arizona's night and she wasn't going to be the one to fuck it up. Especially after all those amazing things she said about Callie in her toast.

After the small talk, press talks, and catch ups with all our incredible friends and family, the Grey Sloan group took the party back to the apartment. Jo and Alex were too drunk to continue the party, so Meredith and Callie put the lightweights to bed as soon as they got back. The girls went off with Arizona's parents, so the few that were left standing had a nice drink together, then passed out on the sofa in front of the TV.

Callie was so happy to wake up with Arizona snoring softly on her shoulder, and Meredith snoring like a foghorn on the other side of the couch. They had spent the night joking, laughing and mostly making fun of Callie. Predominantly for the way she behaved when Arizona and Sofia first moved to New York.

And well, Meredith was too drunk to notice how many of Callie's secrets she was spilling in front of Arizona.

Callie was incredibly worried and embarrassed at how she was coming across to Arizona, did she think she was a crazy stalker ex?, a lonely cat lady (without the cats)?, or just a plain weirdo that hadn't gotten over her ex-wife? Thankfully though, by Arizona's adorable laugh and twinkle in her eye, Callie suspected that Arizona thought it was cute at least, or romantic at best.

Callie was too drunk to defend herself, but in all honesty, she didn't know what she'd say if she even tried. She was lovesick over Arizona, she did feel guilty for all the horrible things that had happened once they were divorced. Everything Meredith said was the truth. But she didn't like how it sounded when Meredith said it.

Callie got up slowly from the couch, trying not to wake Arizona. She always loved to watch Arizona sleep. Sometimes her mouth was slightly opened with a whistle like snore coming out with every breathe, but on days like today she's mouth barely open, but Callie could still hear the faint snoring as Arizona took each breathe.

Callie walked to towards the kitchen area when she heard a large yawn coming from the couch, she hoped Arizona wasn't awake already. She needs her coffee first, Callie thought. She turned to see Meredith tiptoe past a sleep Arizona.

Callie let out a sigh of relief.

"How bad was I last night Callie?" Meredith said squinting her eyes, clearly worrying about the answer Callie was going to give.

"Haha, right you weren't 'bad' exactly but you sure do love embarrassing me in front of Arizona, when I'm trying to fix our relationship."

Meredith's face went red, Callie could see Meredith trying to remember what she'd said.

"Don't worry Mer, these things happen. I'm just glad you stopped when you did. Though not sure what else you could have to Arizona."

"Fuck, just tell me what I said… quickly before I die of embarrassment!"

"Things I told you in absolute confidence about my relationship with Penny, such as our sex life, various embarrassing stories about that. How freaked out I was when Arizona decided to move here. The ways I fucked that up. And a short blurb about the many many MANY conversations we had on the phone about me and Arizona."

Meredith quickly grabbed a cup of coffee, then sat on a stool. She closed her eyes, enjoying the coffee. Then opened them as Callie stopped talking. Callie's face wasn't exactly how Meredith expected it to be. She thought Callie's eyebrows would be frowning, she expected her voice to have a degree of tension in it. But she just sounded like she was telling an interesting story about the night before.

"Why aren't you more upset with me right now, Callie?"

"These things happen Mer, not like I wanted Arizona to know that I was pinning for her, for months before she even considered moving to New York. But it was true and I'm pretty sure she's already figured that out."

Meredith let out a sigh of relief, she felt a lot calmer now. She didn't want to deal with a hangover and have one of her friends hate on her all day.

Callie and Meredith, sat at the dining table for about 10 minutes chatting and gossiping like old times, before Meredith decided to go for a shower.

Callie felt like her life was finally on the right track. She had an incredible partner, amazing family, and a wonderful smart daughter. She loved her job, Callie hadn't realised that working at a hospital didn't need to full of drama and tragedy, unlike Grey Sloan. Her job was exciting and empowering: she got to promote LGBTQI rights throughout the hospital and the community it serviced. She felt like she belonged there, and was doing something that mattered.

Although, before her family got back together Callie wondered often about moving back to Seattle, though she never actually went through with it. She wanted to be closer with her friends, her colleagues, and to live in the city that had changed her so much, made her grow, but had also taken so much away. She thought about it often but never up her mind. Now though, Callie was glad, she was indecisive.

As Callie daydreamed about what could have been, Arizona began to wake up.

Callie walked over quickly to get back in position. She moved Arizona's head slowly upwards so it rested on her shoulder again, and placed one arm across her stomach, and the other behind Callie's back. It wasn't the most comfortable position for Callie, but Arizona was always out like a lightbulb when she snuggled into Callie in this position. Callie felt at peace, she felt love, she loved being in tangled with Arizona like this.

Arizona opened her eyes, and looked up slowly at Callie. She blinked constantly, trying to wake herself up. But Callie rested her hand on the side of Arizona's head so it would rest between her boob and shoulder.

"Just you rest babe, you had an exciting night. You must be tired. Just lie down. I'll get you coffee in a second.."

Callie cherished moments like this, Arizona had been increasingly busy the past few months, she hadn't spent as much time with Arizona as she had wanted to. Callie had tried not to look disappointed when Arizona said she had to work the weekend. As Callie knew this was Arizona's dream, she wanted her partner to be happy.

Part 2

It had been a week since Arizona's dream had come true. She was working so hard to promote the centre locally and nationally.

She had an assistant now which was a massive help, which also meant that she could take time off to be with her family. Arizona promised herself and Callie, that Arizona would better balance her work and family life, as she didn't want to take their family for granted ever again.

Arizona and Callie had already been on a date night since the opening. Meredith stayed a few days extra with Zola, and on the final night before they left, Meredith watched the girls so Callie and Arizona would go out together.

Callie felt that they were finally got their story book ending, she wanted to ask Arizona if she felt the same but she was scared in case her answer wants the same.

Callie was trying her best to open up to Arizona, but she was terrified of looking like an idiot or upsetting Arizona.

Things were going too well, Callie thought.

She tried to flick that thought out a number of times a day. But it would always creep it's way back in.

She knew there was no real reason for it, but it was always there.

Niggling in the back of her head, saying things like, 'why would she want to be with you again, after you broke her heart', 'you don't deserve happiness', 'you used up all your happiness', 'let her be happy with someone that can make her happy'.

Callie wanted to trust Arizona again. She did, but not quite 100% yet. She wondered if she would speak to Arizona about this, she knew she should. But didn't want to cause their first proper argument since they got back together.

Doubts about a relationship are normal, she would say to herself.

Part 3

After their date night Arizona went into the bathroom to draw herself a bath, while Callie chatted to Meredith her spare bedroom.

Arizona wondered what they were talking about. Callie has basically summoned Meredith into the bedroom. Arizona told herself she was being silly, everything was great between them.

In the spare bedroom Callie was in a deep spiral spewing her emotional baggage all over Meredith. Callie needed to talk to Meredith before she left for Seattle tomorrow evening.

"Callie I don't know what to say. I can't give you advice on this one."

"Please. I feel like I'm creating problems and issues out of nothing."

"Callie you aren't. I think these issues are still there for you both, you have talked about them to death, but I don't think either of you are over them enough for you to be able move on and trust each other. You can't have a relationship with Arizona unless you trust one another."

Meredith stepped closer to Callie, sat her down next to her on the bed, hugged her, then said

"Talk to Arizona about this now. You aren't going to work if you never communicate your worries with her."

"I will, but not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I want to have to tonight with you both, before you leave, I don't want your last memory of me being of me crying over Arizona a-"

"-why would you be crying over me babe?"

Arizona had chapped on the bedroom door, then walked in.

"This is for you two to talk about, Arizona, your lady is having a little spiral and she needs you."

Callie put her head in her hands, she didn't want to look at Arizona, she was worried about Arizona was thinking.

"Thanks, Mer!" Callie mumbled through her hands.

"Arizona, be a friend and take your wonderful wreak of a wife out of my room, would you? I'll order ice cream for the girls. Off you two go!!!"

Meredith marched out of the room, and down the hall, then Arizona could hear the girls cheer at the mention of ice cream. Arizona walked towards the bed, and knelt down in front of Callie. She pulled her hands away from her face.

"Come here… Calliope."

Arizona pulled Callie close for a hug, Callie pulled her close. They hugged for a moment then Arizona guided Callie out of Meredith's spare bedroom and into her bathroom.

Callie and Arizona got undressed in silence, then stepped into the bath together, while listening to Arizona's calming music, and watching the lavender bath fill the bathtub in a deep purple dye. Callie closed her eyes as she lay back, she knew this conversation could erupt. She didn't want Sofia worrying about them arguing either.

Callie looked calm and relaxed in the bathtub, but internally she felt like a volcano ready to erupt, she didn't want to hide her feelings from Arizona but she always didn't want to her. Her mind wouldn't stop spiralling.

Part 4

"Calliope Torres, I love you so much, you frustrate me when you try to hide your feelings from me, you hurt me when you'd rather talk to Meredith about your worries that talk to me. You tell me you want to spend your life with me, but you can't even tell me how you feel. I know you love me, you have been great at showing me your feelings lately. I know you love me. But I always wanna know when you aren't feeling so great. I want to know when things are bubbling up in your mind, everyone feels badly sometimes. But you need to be able to talk to me."

Callie turned her head slowly towards Arizona. She took a deep breathe then said:

"I love you. Please know that. But I just don't always feel 100% about us, not that I don't want to be together, don't think that please don't. I just worry about things going wrong, and hurting you or you hurting me again. Sometimes I'm okay but then the thoughts pop back into my mind and they bring my mood down. And I feel like I don't deserve you. And I don't want to talk to you about it. Only because I don't want to hurt you, and most of all I don't want to worry you."

"Baby how long have you felt like this?"

"To be honest, a long time, right now I'm worried about losing you, messing us up, hurting you, the happiness not lasting. But I worry a lot about a lot of things I guess."

"You do like to worry. I've always known that about you Callie. But I'm not going anywhere. And I know it will take us time to build that trust in our relationship again. But I know we are both wanting to put that work in."

"I guess I just expected it to be there already." Callie said as she kissed Arizona's soapy hand.

"We have a long and complicated history. We are starting again, building things up. Trust was one thing that we both fucked last time, so it cannot be fixed that quickly. We just need to keep going."

"I guess that's true, I'm sorry for everything. I know we have both done things that were wrong but I feel responsible for ending our marriage."

"You might have been the one to deliver the knock out punch but, looking back, I can see now, that we both made that decision." Arizona moved closer to Callie, she kissed her on the cheek.

"I think it might be a good idea for me to see a doctor about how I'm feeling. I'm so happy with you, but then I freak myself out, like tonight, and end in a spiral… Do you think I'm over reacting?" Callie's asked Arizona.

"I think you are perfect, of course, but there is nothing wrong with speaking to someone. Getting a second opinion."

Callie kissed Arizona, then Arizona said:

"Do you want me to come with you, for support, or in case you want me with you or, if they want to speak to me?"

"That would be great. Thank you. Now I'm worrying about what that doctor with think."

"Aw baby."

Arizona sat forward, she put her arm across the bathtub to balance herself, then kissed Callie gently.

"I know it's easier said than done, but you have nothing to worry about. I'll be with you every step of the way. If anyone crosses you I'll hit them with my leg."

Callie laughed hard, as she felt relaxed with Arizona reaction. Their conversation was calm, and no one shouted. Callie felt like an adult, having a mature discussion with her wife. With an acceptable solution.

After another 10 or so minutes, the couple exited their bedroom and finally appeared in the living room.

"Finally, I thought you two had gone to bed." Meredith said as she winked in Callie's direction.

Callie kissed Arizona, then sat down next to Sofia and Zola.

"Mama since it's Zola's last night here, can we all play a game together. But we pick the board game?"

Meredith, Callie and Arizona looked at one another, let out a forced laugh, then collectively said:

"Okay, but no cheating."