As much fun as he had the night before, Jamie could help but shake the feeling of unease that had been hovering over him. He had almost (almost) forgotten about Jack's parents and that whole mess once Pippa had come over and started talking to Jack. That look she had given them right before they left especially made Jamie uncomfortable and anxious. The more he thought about it and ran that image through his mind, the more he started to panic.

Pippa had never been a mean person. Jamie had known her even since they started kindergarten, and she was always a shy, kind girl who never backed down from helping others. It wasn't out of character to offer someone assistance with their schoolwork, Jamie knew, but the way they had gone back and forth made him feel like there was something else going on besides being just nice.

Not that there was anything necessarily wrong with that. Pippa had every reason to be interested in Jack- he was handsome, funny, a little mysterious. Jamie couldn't blame her for anything since their relationship was a secret, she had no idea that he was already taken. Jamie was mainly frustrated and hurt that they couldn't be open about it to other people. As much as he desperately wished they could hold hands in public, go to dances together, go on dates without hiding, kiss, they couldn't. And he was pissed. Pissed that they were stuck in this small, closed minded town, pissed that Jack's parents didn't support him, pissed that Jack could have all that with someone else. He hated it and he had no control over any of it.

He had grown up knowing that something was different about him. He had been ashamed in his younger years once he had understood where his feelings were coming from, and now that he was older and had accepted that about himself, he was just so damn angry and frustrated and felt so out of control over his own life. "Normal" teenagers could have that high school experience so easily, could experience falling in love without potential backlash.

Jamie was typically an optimistic person. It was one of the qualities he liked about himself, especially when there were so many things for him to worry about. He had been optimistic that he could sail through high school, get accepted to a college in a more liberally minded city and put this all behind him. He had often dreamt about finding someone there, learning more about himself, seeing what his full potential could be when he wasn't trying to hide such a huge part of himself. He had made plans and promises he was banking on fulfilling. On some days, those thoughts were the only things that kept him going forward. No where in his plan was to meet someone in this school. Burgess wasn't where he was supposed to start this journey.

At first it had been exciting and terrifying. He was so caught up in the possibility of a relationship, in Jack, in the potential of being loved and loving someone else that he hadn't thought of what they were going to do if someone found out. He didn't like lying to his mom about it and she had never given him reason to think she would disown him if he came out, so telling her had been a no brainer. But seeing the backlash Jack had gone through had just been a harsh reminder that this wasn't a safe place for them.

He couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt there as well. Jack liked girls as well as guys. He was going through so much crap at home because of him and that made Jamie's gut twist up. As much as Jack had reassured him that it wasn't his fault and that they would be okay, he could shake the nagging thoughts that he would be better off without him.

He couldn't stop thinking that by the time Jack picked him up the next morning, even as he leaned in to give Jamie a kiss on the cheek. Jamie gave him a tentative smile. He could tell Jack wanted to say something, but instead he just gave him a tense smile back and started to drive away. The trip was mostly silent and they parted as soon as they entered the building, Jamie saying he had to stop by the library before classes started.

Jamie's guilt persevered as he walked up the stairs. He didn't want to ditch Jack, but he needed some space to think about what he wanted to do about all this. Jack made him feel happy and loved and he wanted to be with him for the foreseeable future but was he worth the cost of Jack losing his family? Jamie didn't think so. Not after everything they had gone through already. Jack couldn't lose them too.

Jamie was conflicted over what he should do. The thought of breaking up with Jack made his heart ache- he was such an important person to him. After Jamie's other friends had started to drift away, he was sure he was just going to ride out the rest of high school by himself. Jack had just been such a surprise and a wonderful person. He was exactly what Jamie needed to feel excited about life and give him hope that things do get better. That he wasn't alone.

He continued to internalize the thoughts over the next few days. He could tell Jack knew something was up, but he avoided saying anything during their shared period together or during lunch. Jamie wasn't sure if Jack was trying to give him space or if he was nervous over what Jamie was thinking about, but he could sense the growing tension between them.

"Hey, Jack, could we… talk. After school." Jamie had finally said one morning. They had just parked and Jack's hand froze right before touching the handle.

"Talk," he repeated. "Like, talk talk?" Jamie could hear the nervous dread in his voice, and it made him want to cry.

"I just… I," he fumbled, staring intently at his lap. "I need to say some things. I've been thinking a lot and I just… I can't keep avoiding it."

Jack retracted his hand slowly. Jamie could tell from his peripheral that he was looking at him, but he couldn't bring himself to look up. He couldn't bare to look at whatever emotion was swimming around in his eyes.

"Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, we can talk. After school. Do you… do you want to meet me here?"

Jamie nodded gently.

"Okay. I'll… I'll see you after school then."

Jamie spent the whole day unfocused, trying to figure out how he wanted to word everything. He had spent the past few days agonizing over every detail, every outcome, every reaction he might get. He, by nature, was an overthinker, and he had never hated it more than this moment. He wanted so desperately to throw caution to the wind, to say fuck it for once in his damn life, but his brain couldn't stop running through every worst case scenario it could think of. Every time he saw Pippa in the halls, even if she didn't look at him, his paranoia grew. What if she thought something was up? What if she told someone else about her suspicion? What if rumors started going around?

He was glad that they didn't share the same period that day, as it gave him more time to build up the courage to say what he wanted to say. By the time the last bell rang, he had mustered up some bit of resolve and walked with a little more confidence to the back parking lot. Jack was already at the car, sitting on the hood. Jamie was momentarily shaken by the sight of him and he stared for a couple moments across the lot while Jack was scrolling through his phone. He looked so perfect, so achingly stunning, and he was filled with another moment of utter anguish that he couldn't just walk up to him, thread his fingers in his hair, and kiss him on the spot.

He shoved those thoughts down quickly- this wasn't about him or what he wanted. This was about Jack.

As if sensing he was staring, Jack glanced up and they locked eyes. He stared for a moment before giving him a small smile and standing up. Jamie took a second to pull himself together then walked the rest of the way over.

"Hi," Jack said, putting his phone in his pocket.

"Hi," Jamie glanced around. "Can we, uh, can we go somewhere a little more private?"

Jack nodded after a beat, fishing his car keys out and unlocking the doors. They both climbed in, Jamie's heart absolutely pounding. His palms were getting sweaty, and he kept wiping them on his jeans. They drove in silence before arriving at an abandoned parking lot, surrounded by trees and set farther back from the road. Jack turned off the car and sat back, not yet looking over at Jamie who was gnawing at his lip.

"I…" Jamie started, not knowing how to begin.

"I think I know why you wanted to talk to me." Jack said after Jamie didn't start back up again.

Jamie didn't respond to that, instead opting to pick at his jacket sleeve. Jack took a deep breath.

"Jamie, I really care about you. Genuinely, deeply care about you. Not just as a boyfriend, but as someone who's very special to me. And I know we haven't known each other for very long, so it may sound silly, but… I want you in my life. For a long time."

Jamie inhaled sharply, feeling the tears burn at the corners of his eyes.

"Jack-"

"Wait, I just, I need to say this. I've never met anyone who I've connected to like you before. Not a friend, or partner, no one. No one's ever seen me like you have or cared to get to know me. I was… a loner. After Emma died, I just… I shut down. My parents didn't know what I was going through personally. My friends didn't know how to act around me anymore. I was just lost." He reached over and took Jamie's hand in his own. Finally, they looked at each other and the dam broke. Tears started to spill out as Jamie just looked at him helplessly.

"Jamie, I love you. I really, really do. And I want to be with you. And I hope… I hope that's what you want too." Jack's voice caught as he tried to keep his composure. That only made Jamie feel worse about what he was going to say.

"I- I can't, Jack." He let out a little sob and retracted his hand. "I just... I can't be the person you give up your family for."

Jack started to interrupt but Jamie cut him off.

"No, I'm serious. You lost your sister already and that was devastating for you. If I'm the person standing in the way from you and your parents being somewhat normal again, I just- I'm not that person. I can't make you choose between me and them. You've been through so much pain and darkness and I'm just… I'm not worth it."

"That's not true." Jack insisted, tears starting to form in his eyes too. "You're worth everything to me. You're my… my person, my rock. My parents, it's- it's nothing, really. Please."

"They're your family. There wasn't an issue until I came along. This is- this is my fault. I'm so sorry. I just- I can't do this. I'm sorry." Jamie fumbled at the door handle, finally opening it as Jack tried to reason with him. He stumbled out, almost tripping, as he tried to walk away.

Jack quickly exited the car and ran up to Jamie, grabbing his hand.

"Jamie, please- just- talk to me, please," Jack pleaded. Jamie stopped moving, letting Jack pull him back. He took that as a good sign and came around to face the shorter boy, and brought his hands up to cup the sides of his head. "Please, don't do this. I can't- not without you, I can't."

Jack finally broke down, leaning in to collapse his head onto Jamie's shoulder. His body shook with sobs, and all Jamie could think was, This is my fault, I've caused this pain. All of this is my fault.

Jamie was still crying himself, but he hesitated for a moment before wrapping his arms around Jack. Seeing him like this absolutely crushed him, but he knew in the long run it would be better. This temporary pain would be much better than the longer lasting consequences of their relationship.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered into his hair, trying to commit to memory the way he smelled, the way his body felt in his arms, how soft his hair was against his cheek. He wanted to lock the feeling of him in the recesses of his mind, as selfish as that was.

He held him for just a few moments before pulling back.

"You're going to be okay. I promise." Jamie said, smiling through the tears. "It's okay."

"No, Jamie, we can work it out. It's fine, I'm choosing you, okay, I'm choosing you." Jack was starting to get frantic, trying to pull Jamie back but he just took another step back. He shook his head.

"You shouldn't have to make a choice. I'm sorry this is how it is. It… it's awful. And I'm mad. I'm mad that there's nothing I can do about it, I'm mad that it made Ryan hate himself, I'm mad that it turns good people into bigots." Jamie took a shaky breath. "I have control over this though. And I… I know this isn't what you want, but I told you I can't make you choose between me and them. So, I'm sorry."

Jamie rubbed at his eye, wishing that the tears would were so many things he wanted to say, he wanted to be able to let Jack know that this wasn't because of him, that this was over things out of both of their control. He was doing this because he loved him. He wanted so fucking desperately to change the world so love was just seen as love. But he couldn't.

"I have to break up with you."

Here I come, back from the dead. Hope you're not mad.

Also, I apologize, I did not proof read this after writing it, I just uploaded and posted. So, sorry if there are a million mistakes or inconsistencies with the story. Because I also did not reread the last couple of chapters... I'm the worst. Sorry.