A/N: This chapter may seem like a detour in OC land but it is designed to set up the events of the next chapter and humanize the people involved and show who the true victims and villians are when it comes to addiction...I know I created an unlikable version of Nicky in this story, just know I love Nicky and Natasha and the way I write her is not indicative of my feelings about her as a character or the actress who plays her...they are two of my fave ever in their respective categories. Love, you all...thanks for all your comments and still loving this fic.

Alex sat in her car taking long drags from a cigarette and blasting music for as long as she could before heading into her Thursday night graveyard shift. She had heard that Nicky was still a patient but little else. She dreaded what sort of news she was going to come into during the management shift change meeting. It wasn't the first time she felt this sense of foreboding dread but it's the first time the stakes were so personal.

The night before, she had wept in Piper's arms as the blonde tried to convince her of all the reasons that she should show up to work. She had once enjoyed her job. She'd had so much hope and optimism when she got this job. That she would make a difference and help people get sober after spending five years helping to get and keep them hooked on narcotics. Even in the beginning, she never thought it would be her specialty but she never imagined that she would barely make it longer than a year, not even before she started seeing how she was just feeding a different machine for the war on drugs.

Alex knew people were counting on her. She reminded herself as she took another drag and skipped to her current favorite jam that it wasn't for much longer anyway.

She had started submitting her resume to agencies and health centers for an RN position and a friend had recently given her the contact info of an AIDS Hospice she had worked at for six months when the disease spiked in San Francisco during the mid-Eighties. They were queer run and had long ago branched out from AIDS and were now starting a Senior Living Community in the Mission and looking for more female nurses.

Alex looked at her phone one last time and saw a kiss emoji from Piper, once she looked at her phone a bit longer she could see that it had been sent a minute ago. Somehow, Piper always knew when she was nervous, even if they weren't on the same continent—Piper knew. Even her mom hadn't been that good, as she had once told Diane. Her mom hadn't hesitated a moment before saying, "you know what you gotta do." As if it were a question but Alex had long known when Diane Vause was asking a rhetorical question, still the line went quiet until Diane uttered those words, "you gotta marry her," in a tone you'd expect to hear from a mother whose son just told her that they got a girl pregnant.

She was trying to hold onto the memory of her mother's voice, something that grew more distant each time she tried when her phone buzzed in her hand. Ilu with an emoji with two pink hearts and two women with a heart between them. Alex just wanted to be home with her wife in her arms, but she knew Piper would kick her ass if she came home without going in. Alex put out her cigarette and sprayed the aerosol air freshener she kept in her car to hide her secret smoking from her wife. Then she grabbed her extra-large coffee with two shots of espresso, purse and lunch bag and headed into the clinic.

"Hey Vause, ready for another fun-filled weekend," Fischer asked as they headed into the meeting with the Evening shift nurse managers.

"Why do you have to say it like that? I'm so tired of this place!"

"Whoa, you and Piper in a fight again? Is it that time of the month? Both?"

"Ugh, seriously, shut. up. My former best friend, the girl who was like my little sister was brought in here last weekend and I've been in so much anguish over the past week. The first person other than my wife to show me some kindness without wanting me to fuck them or to give them drugs is dying and you are tryna crack a joke."

"I hear Houdini was brought in last night," Fischer added matter-of-factly, as if that was a completely appropriate thing to say in a professional environment.

"Her name is Stephani. And she's a sweet kid, she's just lost," Alex replied with a look of disgust and annoyance.

"She needs to get lost. I don't know why we keep letting her back in. Guess Daddy is a billionaire with DC connections. She's just gonna escape and probably take some girl with her like always. I think you'd be more worried, since as you say you have someone you love here. You know as well as anybody that we can only save the ones we can save, Vause," he declared. Alex wasn't encouraged by his poor attempt at reassurance and the commanding posture she quickly adopted reflected that fact.

"You wouldn't be saying that if it were your family. And I know you aren't trying to say that Steph can't be saved. Cause I've sat by her bed. I know how many times she's been here and so does she. She wants this thing so desperately. But when she's in she wants to be out and when she's out she wants to be in. I still think she has a chance. She's a twenty-four year old kid who was a star athlete, tore her ACL her first home game of college ball, got put on Oxy because she trusted her doctors and parents like any other kid would and then ended up hooked cause nobody was watching or advocating for her health. She had never had a sip of alcohol before her injury. My wife was an athlete from the time she was 8 until 21, she still runs and I've been trying to convince her to join a soccer team when we move cause I know she misses it. That story could happen to her. Well, minus the good girl who never touched a damn thing part. I laugh at anybody who says I was her first exposure to drugs, maybe to hard shit but that girl knew what she was doing from day one. On paper, it should be her and not Steph in and out of detox cause of a sports injury."

"She'll stay sober when she dies or kills somebody. Everybody knows that."

"Nobody knows what is going to happen to any patient at any time. We think, we make educated guesses but we never know."

"Okay, Vause. You are a little black kitten tonight, a warm, fluffy ball of death and hugs."

"Eh, I'll take it," she answered as the two headed into their staff meeting, not letting Fischer throw his arm around her shoulder. He wasn't that forgiven just yet. Tonight, she missed her mom, her wife and couldn't wait to start her new life.

She found out Stephani Merkel was indeed back for the tenth time, Fischer earned himself some points with Alex when he admonished another RN supervisor who declared to the group 'if they gave out punch cards her next detox would be free.' Nicky had been moved to their step-down ward Tuesday night but this morning failed a random UA so she was back in the unit. The only people that seemed to give a damn about this recent setback in her treatment was the FBI who wanted to book her already but couldn't until the woman's condition was stable. Every day that she was under their care in detox and not prison they were losing money on her, after all. For the first time, Alex viewed one of Nicky's relapse as understandable. Even a lockdown detox in a rough part of Queens such as hers was better than the best minimum-security federal prison, than going to County to wait, wondering if Manhattan or Queens County would absorb her and unsure which to hope for. Then back after sentencing to wait to find out where they would send her.

Alex would try to stay at detox as long as possible if she were in her shoes too. Especially since she had been sent the police report from the night Nicky was arrested from one of her friends on the force. There was no question that she was going away, especially when she saw the rest of the woman's file. The only uncertainty was for how long. She was looking at 8-16 years, maybe more if somebody turned on her or convinced the feds she was a ringleader. If they pursued the armed robbery and home invasion charges. As much as Nicky was seemingly safe from the inevitable in detox, every day was another one closer to the one when they could tack on charges that would give her a pine box and life behind steel bars.

"Hey Fischer, can I go visit Nicky," Alex asked her friend and supervisor after the last of the evening shift left the conference room.

"You know what Brenda said. You are not to treat Patient N. Nichols."

"I'm not going to treat her per-se. I mean unless she has a seizure in front of me or something like that."

"Visiting hours are 5-8, it's 10pm," Fischer replied as he tried in vain to sound official but they both knew he was teasing.

"You aren't serious, are you," Alex asked as she shook her head at how he was behaving tonight.

"No, Vause. But it's coming out of your ten minute breaks. Which means you have ten minutes."

"Can I stop by and say hi to Stephani too," Alex asked as she turned on her trademark charm, she didn't even have to wonder if it would work on a gay guy, she knew it would.

"Here, take her chart. Make it look official. You have twenty minutes, thirty if you can back up the extra ten minutes in her chart. And I know you know how," Fischer whispered as he handed her a clipboard with a pad of paper and a manila folder on top.

"Thanks," Alex took the chart and headed to the detox unit and found Sephani's room. She crept in silently but there was no need, as the young woman was still awake and trying to read in what little light she could find.

"Hey Steph," Alex said in a soft, warm tone.

"Nurse Vause. I'm sorry," she sobbed when she saw the woman in navy-blue scrubs in her doorway.

"What do have to be sorry about, kid," Alex asked as she pulled a dark blue padded chair closer to the girl's hospital bed after she checked her IV, monitors and med log then recorded her vitals.

"I'm back here. And you told me not to come back last time and I promised I wouldn't and here I am. I hate myself so much. I was kinda hoping you like weren't working here anymore or something," Stephani's sobs became stronger with every word and she put her hands in front of her face with a look of shame.

"Still here for a little longer," Alex replied with an annoyed sigh.

"You should be running this place. It would be better if you were. You are the only one that treats us like human beings. Are you graduating soon?"

"Yeah. I get my associates next month, and test for my license in six. I'm not supposed to tell patients this but then Piper and I are moving to California. I'm going to get my BSN at a school in Sacramento. We're trying to start a family, create a new life by creating life and moving as far away as we can."

"Congrats. I'm happy for you. I'm not happy that takes you away from this shithole but you deserve a great life and make sure whoever hires you knows how lucky they are. So things are still good with Piper then? Did you get that ankle tat you wanted that I thought was stupid?"

"What's stupid about a Celtic band that means eternal love?"

"You wanted her name below it and yours above it."

"I know, it's supposed to be bad luck but I know I'm gonna love her forever and I already have a way more visible tattoo to remind me of her. You still designing tats?"

"Not as much. I've been dealing with a lot of depression. I've been volunteering with queer kids though. I wanna get my shit together and become a school counselor. I want to help queer kids and kids who lose their athletic career prematurely. It was a hard adjustment."

"Is that part of why you're here?"

"Yeah. One of my former teammates just made the Olympic team and I went on a run."

"And you think that's a good enough reason? You think your friend would want that?"

"I know it was dumb, Al—uh sorry Nurse Vause."

"I think at this point, Steph, you can call me Alex as long as nobody else is around to hear. Still gotta keep it professional around the patients."

"Even if the nurses don't?"

"Yeah. So you know the things they say about you?"

"Yeah."

"Figured as much. Just know every time I hear them I stand up for you. Cause heaven knows if I can walk the straight and narrow anybody can. I'll never give up on you, Steph, even if everybody else does. So your friend?"

"I know I should be happy and I am but I can't help but feel insanely jealous. I know I shouldn't feel that way but damn it should be me, even she told me that. I'm only 24 and I'm broken. My life as I know it ended at 18 and I don't know what to do with the life I got in return, I don't know if I even want it."

"You woke up this morning, you have a purpose. You don't have to know what the fuck it is, that's not your job, you just have to believe you have one. And enjoy the ride cause if you do, I can promise it will be way better than anything you could ever have imagined. I know mine is. I have a wife, a career you have to go to college for and hopefully soon I'll be a mom."

"I hate this place," Stephani declared after the two spent a moment sitting together in silence.

"That makes two of us tonight."

"You are the only person here who doesn't suck."

"No cause that's my wife's job," Alex joked after listening for footsteps on the ward.

"Uhm, I think I need to file a report," Stephani said with a chuckle.

"I said nothing, you heard nothing, you can't prove it," Alex replied as the two fell into a fit of laughter.

"Believe me, you are the last medical professional I would ever report, and between my fucked up leg, arthritis and my addiction I've encountered a lot."

"Good. You don't give yourself enough credit. You are still trying, more than some of the kids I see come through here. You experienced something traumatic, in a moment your life ended. You were no longer the young, healthy athlete you were, you had that taken so abruptly. But, Steph, sweetie, you can't let it run your life. If you can't handle seeing your friends get the success you feel you should have, mute them and make new friends. Find people who relate to your experiences, who can support you. I gotta go see another patient and then get back to the office."

"That redhead?"

"I'm not supposed to say. You know HIPPA and all that shit."

"Yeah and you also aren't supposed to tell me what you do with your wife but here we are."

"Touché."

"I only ask cause I met her when I came in and she asked about you, why you weren't here and I was the only one who knew you worked weekends, so I told her. She seemed to want to see you. She told me that you two went to rehab together and you were friends until she, as she told me 'did something stupid and fucked up at your wedding.' She seems regretful, whatever she did. It seems like it was pretty terrible, she wouldn't tell me what she did."

"Yeah, it was bad and coulda been way worse. But yeah, I'm gonna go say hi to her or at least try to. She seemed pretty mad at me when she came in but of course she seemed pretty mad at everything and everyone that night and I was the bitch who was gonna sign the orders to kill her buzz."

"Yeah, you've been that bitch for me so many times. God, I can't count how many times I've cursed your name. How often I've hated you. Remember the time when you were still new and you threatened to call the EMTs to transfer me to the hospital for the charcoal cause I was refusing treatment? You had been so quiet and I thought I could get one over on you like everybody else here. I hated you that night but the next night I pulled you aside and thanked you and apologized. And you told me I had nothing to apologize for, my feelings were justified but not my reaction. You always make me think about things I never considered before. I knew that night that you were different."

"Thanks, kid. You know it's long past lights out."

"I can't sleep and they won't give me anything."

"I'll see about that. I can at least sneak in an order for Benadryl, what they're doing to you is not just petty but inhumane. You know how to summon the nurses at this point, be nice to my techs, especially Jaz, she's my first trainee so I need her to look good so that I look good."

"I will, Alex," the girl responded as Alex turned to head down the hallway.

The older brunette smirked at Stephani one last time before heading down to the step-down unit where she found Nicky's shared room. She saw the woman sleeping and almost didn't want to wake her, she looked peaceful for the first time in a long time, but she knew this was probably her only chance to say hi to her tonight so she tapped her arm like she normally did when she had to wake a patient.

"Wha-is it time for rounds again already? Go away. I don't want any. Leave me alone unless you are here to tell me I'm being discharged from this hellhole," Nicky barked as she slowly became conscious.

"What so you can go to a worse one," Alex asked commandingly.

"At least there I could get high," her crazy-haired former best friend declared with an infantile groan.

"Really Nicky, you want to go to jail so you can get drugs in your system again," the bruntte hissed.

"Alex," Nicky asked as her tone softened upon realizing the identity of the nurse she was currently giving a hard time.

"Took you long enough."

"You definitely need to go away. I wouldn't want to see you, even if I could."

"That's not what I've heard through the grapevine."

"I don't know what you think you heard but you are the queen of the hypocritical bitches."

"Don't say it if you don't mean it."

"But I do."

"If that's what you think then I can't help you."

"Funny, Vause, I don't recall asking for your fucking help. I didn't ask to come here. I was happy before you were in my life and happy without you in it after. The middle sucked."

"You mean the part where you were actually committed to being clean, to living a long life with the girl who loves your sorry ass for whatever reason?"

"Yeah. I'm tired of living my life trying to conform to what others want me to be."

"Am I a terrible friend cause I want to see you succeed? Cause I believe in you? Cause I've heard way better reasons to use from patients just tonight alone than anything you've ever come up with? You chose to use, you choose to keep using until you die."

"I'm not dying, I'm living and it's fun!"

"Yeah and getting caught breaking and entering and stealing taxis?"

"It was the most fun I've ever had in my life! Seriously, Vause, you would've loved it! Where were you off with the wife in suburbia drinking tea and trying to make babies? It was the best night ever! That was, until the fucking cops showed up and then they brought me here and they are keeping me against my will cause evidently I can't leave until the NYPD or whatever says so. I know it's my dad, he's always done everything possible to keep me from actually going to jail."

"Nobody can keep you from spending a lot of time in jail. There's no getting away with it this time. You are going to Federal. Even if daddy wanted to help you out of this one, he couldn't. You need to start thinking about how you wanna go. Kicking and screaming or looking for a way to be rehabilitated."

"Not interested in the second one, so I guess I'll take the first option."

"Cut it out with the bad girl act, you aren't very good at it, take it from a retired pro. You are a lot of things Nicky and I have a lot of reasons for loving you but being a badass drug queenpin and criminal mastermind is not one of them. So plead out, do five to eight years and become a better person."

"Yeah and be a convicted felon with a drug rap? Come out and be worse than trash while bitches like you and that fucking pretentious asswipe you call your wife live in bliss, never pay for your crimes?"

"I know you did not just insult my wife! You of all people know what happens to people who fuck with Piper!"

"Is that a threat?"

"You've seen what happens and heard the stories, do you really wanna find out?"

"Whatever. I don't give a shit about you and your shitty wife. You two are terrible people of the worst kind. You think you're so much better and if you did shit it wouldn't stink but you aren't. Don't worry I at least care enough about you two for some reason even I don't comprehend to not turn state's evidence on you two if given the chance. If the FBI asks I never met either of ya, cause honestly I wish I never had."

"Thanks, I guess. You need anything?"

"A blanket?"

"Should I bring you a teddy bear and sippy cup of warm milk too?"

"You got any?"

"You serious?"

"A little," Nicky replied softly as her vulnerability and fear began to poke through her brash New York demeanor.

"I'd be scared too if I were you. I could still go to Federal Prison with the sort of sentence that is effectively life without parole. I'm scared every day that I'm gonna kiss my wife goodbye, go to work and not kiss her hello ever again. That someday men with guns are gonna come raid my house and not care that our baby is sleeping or worse awake and in my arms. But I choose not to surrender to it. It could happen but I choose to live the best I can, for as long as I can. And that's what you gotta decide to do or die. Life is what you make it. If it's shitty already, why make it shittier due to your actions?"

"I guess. I can't survive in jail. You said it yourself, I'm as bad at being a criminal as you were at being a junkie. And if you are scared of going to Federal than what chance do I have?"

"I'm not scared of Federal cause I don't think I can survive it, I'm scared of Federal cause I have a wife, career and hopefully soon babies who I want to be present for, live that I want to be able to mold and cultivate. I built myself a life I never could have dreamed but was always in some shoved away part of my soul. I'm not that woman anymore and I have a lot to lose. But I know what I did and if I have to face my reckoning on Earth I will and do it with as much grace as possible."

"You believe we go somewhere after we die, Vause," Nicky asked in a soft yet serious tone.

"Before my mom died or after," Alex responded as she tried to hold back her own worries on the subject when it came to Nicky.

"Standing right here and now in this moment."

"Yeah, Nicky, I do. I have to. I have to believe my mom is somewhere watching and waiting for the perfect moment to hold me again, that I'll get to spend an eternity with the angelic being who makes my shitty life heaven on Earth. That whichever of us goes first won't ever truly be gone until the other one is. How about you?"

"I dunno, my people have argued for eons about that shit and still not come to a conclusion and I haven't come up with anything either on my own and I've ODed a few times and nearly died of bacterial endocarditis so you'd think I'd have an idea by now 'xept I never saw a white light like they say you do. But it sure is comforting to think. If I get to choose somebody to haunt, I'm comin' for ya Vause."

"If that's what you need to believe, just please don't hurry up the process any."

"I won't, well at least not on purpose. I don't want to kill myself, just feel good and I only know one way that's guaranteed. I know two but the second isn't as much of a guarantee."

"Then it sounds like you need to improve your skills in that area and stop trying to improve 'em in the other."

"Funny, Vause. Enlighten me oh great pussy master, how didst thou get such a fine young maiden to be thine betrothed?"

"No fucking clue but I think it had something to do with hard work and more than a little luck. You really want that blanket?"

"Only if it's a real blanket, not those thin sheets the other nurses bring when I ask for one."

"Sometimes we have leftover donations for our homeless mothers program. I'll see if we have an extra."

"Oooh, can I have an Elsa one? I can appreciate an ice queen and her motivations, wish I had her powers to just freeze the world sometimes."

"Didn't take you for a Frozen fan but I'll see what I can do, Nicky. Get some rest and be nice to my techs."

"I don't mind the techs, it's the other nurses who could use some work."

"Yeah, I'm with you on that," Alex chuckled before taking Nicky's hand and rubbing her wrist just enough to make someone think she could have been taking her pulse instead of trying to show her some affection before heading out of the ward.