Tada! Long awaited chapter for many of you :) Thank you for all the awesome reviews about how much you guys died at the cliffhanger xD Good to know (not good to relate) how much the chapter killed you, so here is the next one! As I said on twitter (and on my new AU clerith multi-chaptered fic, check it out if y'all interested), after this chapter, there will be only two more chapters (probably lengthy ones). Honestly, I should save it until the really end but I'll just briefly mention AGAIN (can't say it enough) about all the support this fic has garnered me. Never expected it to explode like this, so thank you for taking the time to leave a review. This fic wouldn't have been written like this without all of your guys' support and reviews and continued commitment. Love you guys a lot, but enough about the appreciation! Let's get reading!
Enjoy~!
P.S. Huge thanks to my new beta reader (one that actually catches mistakes cough cough jk i love my best friend). He made this all polished up and nice for all of you guys to read!
"Your sword is, dare I say it, a bit overkill. You remind me of another person I once knew. No one would ever approach the likes of you guys."
…
"I just thought… your eyes…" she smiled, "I haven't seen their color in a really long time."
…
The fire, the blood, the memories that weren't his—everything started to spiral out of control as he struggled to regain himself. These headaches were happening more frequently—why?
…
"You don't look like him at all…" she trailed, now breaching a topic that Cloud was not familiar with. "But you remind me so much of him anyway."
…
"Mhm. He died nine years ago in combat against Shinra. During the time of the Nibelheim Incident."
…
Her hand swept across the flat of the blade smoothly as she smiled a small smile at it. The fond look she had in her eyes was inexplainable as Cloud observed her every movement. It was as if she was caressing a delicate piece of silk as her fingers ran down the sleek metal.
…
However, despite how happy she seemed, Cloud had his sixth sense tingling. It was already surprising that he even had the emotional capacity to detect when something felt odd to him, but because he was so aware of Aerith and her presence, he grew to have a built-in radar just for her. Perhaps it was her talk with Kunsel about the notebook.
…
"Oh, and do you mind… saying hi to her for me? And that… I got her eighty-ninth letter. That'd be great."
…
Cloud didn't know when it started, the hyperventilating. His vision started to blur a bit as he etched the image into his brain, forever carving into his memory, never to go away. The image of Aerith in Zack's arms, the green fields that reached out into the horizons of the picture, the heart drawn at the corner in black marker, the smiles on both of their youthful faces.
It was haunting.
Then, the picture slipped through his shaky fingers, sliding underneath Aerith's bedframe, but no-one moved to reach down and get it. His eyes darted wildly—at her desk, at her shoes, at the legs of her chair, but not at her.
And then it started.
"Ugh!"
Cloud desperately grabbed at his hair as the sickly green drenched his vision, no longer just a light wash as everything turned emerald and dark, warping before his eyes. Feet stumbling, he struggled to find balance against the spinning world underneath him while his breaths became laborious, quick, and despairing—almost as if his lungs couldn't expand anymore as an oppressive weight crushed his chest.
And the pain—the horrible, horrible pain that never failed to accompany his headaches—drilled deep into his skull, puncturing itself far into his brain like a never-ending syringe, never to pull out. His groans and near-screams were all he could do to not faint from the intense pain he felt not only in his head, but his entire body as his feet shifted all around on the floor, doing their best to keep him standing.
"C-Cloud, oh my gosh, no, you're okay," Aerith assured as she reached her hands out to grab onto his arm, but he pulled away from her as his eyes finally looked up to meet hers.
The hurt that shone so brightly in his eyes instantly broke her heart.
"Aerith, you—you're—why?"
The words barely formed in his mind as he took in her green figure and focused all of his attention on breathing because it was just getting quicker and quicker.
"Cloud, please calm down, I can explain," she urged as she tried again to hold onto him. Using her powers, she tried to reach into his core to manipulate the mako and make him feel better, but she gasped loudly when she felt herself completely shut out by him.
He wasn't letting her in.
"You lied to me," he managed to choke, voice raspy as he leaned against the wall for support. With his other hand, he pushed away the arm that tried to touch him. "You're Zack's lover—I should've fucking known."
"No, Cloud, that's not it," Aerith pleaded, begging as she called out his name in hopes of reaching him. Her hands trembled as they remained in the air, too scared to even try to touch him anymore as her lips quivered violently. "I couldn't find the right time to tell you, but believe me when I never meant to keep it a secret like this, ple—"
"I gave you my whole being, my everything," Cloud confessed, voice completely broken, and when the angry tears came freefalling down his cheeks involuntarily, Aerith's broken heart completely shattered. "I gave myself to you, I opened up to you, I'm stupid for you, Aerith, and I'm willing to tell you everything, yet you couldn't even tell me something so important? You must've thought of me as a fool when I talked about Zack! When we went to topside together—you knew all along, didn't you?"
The Cetra shook her head, slowly becoming furious as her own tears slid down her cheeks, but no-one cared about the hot liquid that stained their faces as their eyes clashed against each other in a raging war of emotions.
"I knew, yes, but you're wrong—I never thought of you as a fool. I had my reasons for not telling you and—"
"How does it feel to look at the man who killed your lover?" Cloud blurted out, not thinking as he let his stream of thoughts pour out like a waterfall. "You mistook me for him before, didn't you? No, you knew I had something to do with him the moment you met me."
Cloud didn't know how he was unable to pick up all the signs he should've noticed whenever Aerith acted a bit weird. From their night at Wall Market to the way she caressed the Buster Sword so mysteriously—he should've questioned her.
But he didn't, and that was where he had made his mistake.
"Was that why you got so attached to me? How long did you intend on keeping this from me?"
Aerith couldn't handle it anymore as she pulled the chair from her desk and leaned her arms on it, but her eyes never removed themselves from him as she watched him dart his own everywhere again except at her. Her insides twisted and coiled painfully, unable to fathom how she was going to get through to him when both his sense of betrayal and the mako poisoning were attacking him full force.
"I'm so sorry, Cloud," she managed to whisper, but it almost came out as nothing. "And please, don't say that. You didn't kill him—nothing is your fault. And I never mistook you for anybody nor got attached to you because of such a dumb reason like that because I lov—"
"Ugh!" Cloud removed the hand from the wall and held onto the other side of his head, unable to continue talking to her anymore as his grip on his consciousness started to fade. However, he wasn't going to stay here.
He needed to get out—now.
"I—I can't look at you right now," Cloud stuttered, back turned as he took a step towards the door. He couldn't be here with her with this unimaginable shock as the green never faded from his vision.
Zack's lover, the one he had been searching for all these years, was right in front of his eyes in the most ironic way—was this fate's idea of messing with him?
"I'm sorry," was the last thing he said to her before he staggered his way to the exit.
It would've been fine and smooth if Elmyra wasn't just standing on the other side of the door, ready to open it to see what was all the noise that had woken her up.
"Cloud? Aerith? What is going o—"
Cloud didn't even mutter a goodbye as he rushed past Elmyra's side and out of Aerith's home, leaving the Cetra to just slump onto the ground, eyes blank as she stared at the space he was just in. Elmyra quickly rushed over to her side, kneeling on the floor as she helped the girl up.
"I'm fine," Aerith mumbled, not wanting to see her mother at this exact time. She had known that with all the noise they were causing, Elmyra would wake up, but she had prayed that she wouldn't come down to check for herself—things just weren't going according to plan at all tonight.
"What were you guys doing here? Why was there so much screamin—" Elmyra eyed the light bruise on Aerith's neck, instantly shutting up as she put the pieces together. She then looked at the broken crystal frame on the ground, a frame that she had always known contained a picture of her daughter and her lover from nearly a decade ago. "Aerith, don't tell me—"
"Mom, I'm not in the mood right now to explain anything. I-I'm sorry for waking you up," Aerith said hastily, trying to preemptively staunch her mother's flood of questions. She stood up and pushed her chair back to her desk; her hands were still shaky from the argument. Reaching for her phone, she dialed a number, knowing that Cloud couldn't be out by himself right now.
And as the ringtone sounded, Aerith knew she had messed up, tears threatening to stain her cheeks for the rest of the night.
Outside, Cloud could barely see the ground in front of him as he swayed left and right, nearly losing his footing every time he took a step forward. The weight of the Buster Sword wasn't making it any easier, but at this point, he could've tossed it to the side and just forgotten all about it. Knowing now how it was probably the same sword that Aerith had touched many years ago when it was held by another person, especially one who had sacrificed his life for him, didn't sit well with him. So, it took everything he could not to just wield it and destroy something with it in a mako-induced rampage.
He didn't know when and he didn't know how, but he managed to slump against a closed shop in the middle of the sector, unable to march forward anymore. No one traversed the dirt roads during this time, save for some of the homeless that stayed tucked in their sleeping bags. Someone could've attacked him, and he wouldn't have even picked a fight—not that he could anyway as his hands ran furiously through his hair. Never had an episode lasted as long as this one, so he nearly lost his mind with the way everything was still green. Green dirt, green houses, green sky—just green.
Just like her emerald eyes.
His heart ached as his mind took the time to conjure up a painful image of her bright smile as if to torment him, a smile he missed already even though he was the one who had excused himself from her presence just a moment ago. No matter how much he wanted to go back and possibly seek her comfort to get rid of the poisoning, he couldn't face her at the moment since the shock was too much to handle. Zack, Aerith, Zack's lover, Aerith's lover, Zack and Aerith—these were the only thoughts flying through his mind in taunting circles, and it made him absolutely sick.
When he was sure that he was going to spend the night here since he could barely move his body anymore, a familiar voice shouted his name from across the sector, not caring whether or not she disturbed any of the residents. When he heard the sound of her voice, a small tinge of relief touched him as he kneeled a knee on the ground in attempt to hoist himself up.
"Tifa," he weakly called out.
"Spikey, where are you? Cloud!" came Barret's familiar, roaring voice.
Following their voices, Cloud emerged from the side of the store, mako eyes searching for their green figures. When they spotted him, they quickly rushed over to him.
"Cloud, oh gosh, are you alright?" Tifa held onto his elbows, but her hands quickly flew over to his shoulders when he slumped against her, energy gone. Barret quickly made it easier on her by detaching the Buster Sword from his back.
"Tifa, Barret, why are you here?" he asked, wincing as another twinge drove into his head. However, he could feel the effects of the poisoning fading as his conscious sought comfort from his two dear friends.
"That's not important. Here, let's get you back home," Tifa avoided answering the question as she pulled his body away from hers and towards Barret's back. "You might not like the idea of Barret carrying you, but I think you'd like that better than if it was me."
"You're not wrong," Cloud chuckled, but he coughed instead as he got onto Barret's back. "I'll probably be better in a few minutes, so I'll be off your back soon, Barret."
"Whatever, I could crush your ass in a second if I wanted to, so this is nothing for me," he gruffly replied as he handed Tifa the Buster Sword. She staggered a bit with the weight, earning Cloud's concerned look, but it didn't take long for her to heave it up to her chest and carry it with her two arms.
Together, the three went onto the train to go back to Sector 7. Midway back to their respective homes after they got off, Cloud was able to find his footing again, but his mind was blank as he followed Barret and Tifa back to the civilian area. Only fatigue and sleepiness were left in his body as his eyes remained downcast. Color came back, and all traces of the green were gone, but he couldn't shake off the emptiness that pooled at his core, making him nearly deaf to his surroundings.
He was glad when neither Tifa nor Barret asked any questions before they excused themselves for the night; he was beyond tired, and without Aerith's healing spell, he learned again what kind of exhaustion came with the headaches. Barret climbed down the stairs, but not without giving Cloud a reassuring pat on the back while Tifa rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. She went to her door, but before she could go in, Cloud called out to her.
"… Did Aerith call you?"
Tifa simply gave him a tiny smile before she shrugged knowingly.
"You tell me." And she closed the door behind her.
Cloud simply sighed at his doorknob before he entered his own rood, closing himself off from the world behind him and allowing the darkness of his room to swallow him whole.
~.~.~
The next day, Tifa was gullible enough to think that Cloud would emerge from his room once the afternoon hit. However, there were no signs of life from the man when the gang returned from patrol, and it worried her along with the rest of the gang.
"Do you think we should check on him?" Barret asked, hand rubbing the back of his neck as he awkwardly voiced his concern for the blond. Him along with Tifa were the only two who saw the broken man, so they were the most off-put by Cloud's absence. "I wouldn't mind busting through his door if I had to."
"I wouldn't be surprised if he slashed at you with his sword if you did that," Jessie muttered as she kicked a rock to the side. "What happened last night? It would all make us worry less if we had a hint about what's going on."
"I don't know," Tifa confessed. "I just know that… something happened between him and Aerith."
"A lover's fight? That's it?" Biggs questioned, a brow instantly raised against his forehead.
Tifa shook her head, a grimace clear on her face. It was enough to show Biggs that the issue at hand was much more than a typical couple's fight. "It's something definitely more serious. His mako poisoning got so bad, Barret had to carry him back halfway through. Only something really traumatic would reduce him to that state." She sighed. "I would know. I've seen it way too many times to count, but this has got to be the worst."
"Any luck asking for Aerith's side of things?" Biggs suggested. Tifa simply shook her head.
"She refuses to say anything. I called her this morning for some clarification on what happened since she didn't explain anything when she called me last night to pick up Cloud, but she didn't want to share. Instead, she just said to ask Cloud because apparently only he can give the answers."
"So, we're going to play hot potato with this?" Jessie clicked her tongue. "They were so happy together yesterday—so happy that it was borderline disgusting." Tifa looked at her disapprovingly at this. "But that just means something really big must've happened after patrol for Cloud to just trap himself in his room like this. I haven't seen him do this since…" Jessie sighed, "five years ago."
"You might be on to something," Tifa remarked. "But no point in just speculating."
"What, so you're going to go and ask him?"
Tifa tightened the straps on her gloves, revving herself up for the eventual confrontation she would have with the spiky-haired merc—he needed to eat eventually. "That's what I plan on doing." She then glared at everyone. "And it's not just going to be me."
"Whoa, whoa, I'm not interested in getting involved with a lover's quarrel, even though we just established that that's not it," Jessie waved her hands, instantly rejecting the idea of such a thing. "Plus, I feel like… it should just be a few people. Cloud's already a hard guy to get through—it was just last month or something that we even learned more about him and his past. I don't think he'd appreciate a party busting through his door."
"Just say that you're worried, but you don't know what to do," Biggs smirked. Jessie punched him at the arm before she blew at her hair.
"Fine, you got me—I don't know how I would even begin to talk to him. You can say that me and him aren't that close to talk like that, so I think you should just go, Tifa." She jerked a thumb at Barret. "And this big man over here. I'm sure they had enough time bonding together during Cloud's rough mercenary days."
"Does it look like Spikey and I can hold a heart-to-heart between us?" the burly man growled. "You can kiss my ass if you think we've ever had a touching moment—at least directly."
"We get it—you guys can just feel for each other. No need for words, right?" Jessie scoffed sarcastically. "You can bluff all you want, but I'm sure no one is as attached to Cloud as you are in this group, so just shut up already."
"Why are we suddenly fighting about who's closer to the guy?" interjected Biggs, half-amused with how the conversation suddenly took a left turn. "If I was Cloud, I don't think I'd be too happy knowing how this type of talk took place. And goddamn it, where's Wedge?"
"Wedge and Cloud are definitely not on talking terms. I think his energy is way too much for Mr. Broody," Jessie snickered.
"So, are you all saying that I'm the one who should go talk to him?" Tifa frowned, not too keen on playing hot potato with this issue.
"I mean, you're the one closest to him," Jessie retorted. "If we walk in, he'd probably shut the door on us, and if you walk in, he'd still shut the door on you, but at least he'd consider it."
When everyone nodded in agreement to Jessie's statement, Tifa hung her mouth open in disbelief.
"Seriously?"
"What can we say?" Biggs shrugged. "We're just not close to the guy—at least, not like you. I agree with what Jessie said a minute ago; I don't think he'd be too welcoming if we all crashed his place. I'm sure you can handle it better."
When Tifa looked over at Barret for some support, Barret simply gave her a sheepish look.
"You know how me and Cloud roll down the hill: we don't."
It would be an extreme understatement to say that Tifa was just disappointed. No, she was beyond disappointed as she tried to get some eye contact in with everyone, but everyone just darted their eyes around skittishly as they discussed the awkward idea of talking to Cloud Strife. While they weren't too fond about dumping all the responsibility on Tifa, the discomfort in confronting the blond was blaringly obvious.
"Are you guys being serious right now? What happened to all that talk from before?" Tifa said, exasperated with her hands on hips as she glared at all of them. She specifically honed in on Barret and Jessie. "Especially you two, the night after we all came back from Aerith's place. What was that all about?"
Jessie and Barret blinked as they took a moment to realize what Tifa was referring to. It wasn't long before guilt plagued their faces.
"You asshole, if you don't sit your ass cheeks back down in this chair and tell us what's going through that crack head of yours, I swear, to bloody murder, that this gun will be the last thing you see on this Planet," Barret growled. "It's been five years too fucking long for this shit."
"I've had enough of being in the dark about these types of things," Jessie said as she balled her hands up and looked towards the ground. "I've known you for five years yet I know nothing about you, just like how I didn't know anything about Aerith today. So don't just go walking off like a cool guy shouldering everything on his own when you're clearly not one."
"That was…" Barret trailed, but Tifa wasn't done showing her frustration.
"We all sat there with him three days before we went to topside, when he finally told us a little bit about himself after all these years. Did you think that was easy for him to do? No, of course not, this is Cloud Strife we're talking about here!" Tifa ran a hand through her bangs as she felt herself heat up "He had put in the effort to open up to you guys after being berated by us to depend on us more when he needed it, and now, when he really needs that type of support, you guys suddenly decide to back off? Are we his friends or not?"
When no one said anything, Tifa threw a hand up to signify that she didn't need to hear anything from them. "If you really want just me to go, then fine, but—"
"Wait, no, Tifa," Jessie grabbed onto her wrist just to make sure she didn't stalk off somewhere. The raven-haired, who was usually calm and collected, showed a different side to her, and no one needed to ask questions as to why—they had been a bunch of hypocrites. "You're right, I'm sorry."
"We're sorry too; you know how to hit it where it hurts," Biggs said as he rubbed his chin with a hand.
"It's just, well, at least I am not used to the idea of actually getting him to spill," confessed Jessie as she let Tifa go. "Right, like you said before, this is Cloud Strife we're talking about; the idea of him needing support from people like us is a bit foreign, so that was why I was a bit uncomfortable at the thought of visiting, but you snapped me out of it, Tifa," Jessie nodded, determined. "I'll go with you. If he can feel better talking to someone like me, then I'm all for it."
"After listening to all this, I can't just walk out now or else I'd be a complete asshole," Barret admitted. "I'm also worried for the boy, even if it seems like I'm not sometimes."
"And I'm sure even Cloud would appreciate Wedge's presence. He's just a happy virus—a contagious one at that," Biggs added. "Count us in. Sorry about the jokes earlier—we didn't realize how insensitive we were about this."
"It's fine," Tifa sighed, both in relief and gratitude. "I was honestly scared to go in alone, but now that I have you guys with me, I'm sure we can get through to him better, hm?"
"Of course. Now, what do you think he'd like for dinner? The fastest way to one's thoughts is through the stomach!"
~.~.~
"Aerith."
Aerith stuck a hand out and used her magic to quickly lock the door to her room from beneath her covers, but Elmyra was too knowledgeable about the tricks the Cetra had up her sleeves as her keys jingled against the doorknob. Not in the mood to talk about anything to her mother, Aerith threw the covers over her face when Elmyra stepped in.
"What did I say, Mom? Just let me have some privacy around here," Aerith mumbled.
"I'm not here to question anything," Elmyra stated matter-of-factly. "I sure got a lot to say, but seeing how the last time you ever shut yourself off like this was when Zack died, I'm going to leave you to it, but with some food. Eat something already."
Elmyra placed the tray of food onto Aerith's desk before giving the body underneath the blankets a look. Shaking her head, Elmyra simply sighed before she left the Cetra alone and went out the door, closing it with a click.
"This is why I said not to get involved with mako eyes ever again," Elmyra whispered behind the door before she went back down the stairs.
Aerith didn't bother getting up to peek at what kind of food Elmyra cooked for her. She felt terribly bad for not appreciating what was given, but satiating her appetite was the last thing on her mind as her head tripped and stumbled on everything that went wrong. She desperately kept herself in check and did everything she could to not take her phone and call him endlessly, to walk over to Sector 7 and see him, to do everything she could to explain and clear everything up, because being separated from him in this situation tore at her heart like iron claws. However, she knew with the way he completely steeled his walls against her last night that the last thing he needed was some forceful confrontation, and the last thing she ever wanted to do was ever see him run away from her again.
Yes, she was scared, but she believed that giving him the time and space to think things through was necessary. She had to wipe another tear that threatened to fall out of her eyes at the thought.
She shouldn't have kept the picture flipped for so long. If she had just told him gently, sooner than later, then could she have avoided all of this?
Aerith blindly reached underneath her bed frame to search for the fallen picture that she still hadn't picked up from last night. She got off her bed and kneeled on the floor to get it, but she was quick to return to it as she held the nostalgic picture up to her face where her eyes could study it.
Zack had been adamantly against taking the picture because, apparently, the "risks" were too great in leaving behind physical evidence of their relationship. Of course, with the help of Kunsel's persuading skills and her immature pleading at the time, he had caved, and the three of them traveled to a grassy plain near the edge of Sector 5 and snapped the memoir. He refused to have a copy of it, and even though Aerith knew that having such a thing in his possessions during his travels was the quickest way to get her location leaked, she couldn't help but feel sad at the time.
"Stupid Zack," she muttered, fingers grazing over his smiling face over the photo. "You just had to leave like that, hm? Leave without even saying goodbye before you entered the Lifestream—a cool guy until the very end."
~Nine Years Ago~
"Can you repeat that, please?"
Kunsel gripped the sheathed sword that latched onto his belt, rock stuck in his throat as he swallowed harshly in a futile attempt to get it down. He had already said it two times—there needn't be a third.
However, he couldn't tear his eyes away from the blank look the fifteen-year-old gave him, a look that coerced him into it. So, despite knowing how she could've just collapsed right then and there, he repeated his words.
"He's missing in action, Aerith. They took him—Shinra. And he never came back. The last time I saw him," Kunsel took in a shaky breath, "was when he was battling Sephiroth. At Nibelheim. Our troops had to retreat, but he… stayed."
"And you didn't bother convincing him otherwise?"
"Someone needed to fend off Sephiroth. Look, Aerith, I'm sorry, I know this is really hard to take in, but—"
"Won't you tell me the truth? Of how he died? Please?" Aerith interjected, slowly shaking her head, but it was eerie with the way her eyes never detached from the same spot on the ground.
Kunsel, who was unaware of her powers as a Cetra, frowned as he watched her denial take a physical shape on her face. "I… don't know. He's missing in action. I'm sorry, but I really don't kno—"
"Give me a better answer, Kunsel!"
The young teenager finally exploded as she launched her hands out for Kunsel's collar, and he did nothing to stop her as she shook him furiously—as if that would get the answers out of him. Elmyra, who had enough of a sense to give the two some privacy, rushed out from the kitchen and opened the front door to see what all the commotion was about.
"Aerith, come, don't be like this," her mother said bitterly as she grabbed onto her daughter's shoulders to prevent her from hurting the SOLDIER. "He came all this way despite what has been happening lately to deliver you this news—don't treat him this way."
"I know you're lying to me, Kunsel!" Aerith screamed, now fighting both Kunsel and her mom as hot tears blurred her eyes. Her nails clawed at the skin underneath his clothes while her eyes glowed a feral green as her powers started to get out of control, unable to be kept at bay as her shock and disbelief shook her core and spread to tinge every single strand of hair on her body. "You're keeping something from me and I know it!"
"Aerith, stop," Elmyra demanded, but Kunsel shook his head to signal that it was okay, that the pain she felt was expected and welcomed.
"I'll let you know as soon as possible if I find anything about his whereabouts. Until then, please," Kunsel clasped onto one of Aerith's hands as her violent outburst slowly began to cool. "Take care of yourself. Don't do anything rash—Zack wouldn't want it any other way."
Aerith's knees finally buckled as she took the floor, scraping her knees against the concrete of her doorstep painfully as her tears wet the grey. Elmyra and Kunsel followed her descent as they kneeled next to her, ears open as her wails of sorrow pierced the air. The Planet heard her cries as the wind comforted both her and the flowers around her who joined in her sobs, their stems swayed erratically in the autumn blows.
"Shinra," she finally said when her voice calmed to a mere whisper. "Please."
"What is it?"
"See their end. With all my being, I want them gone."
"… We will try our best."
Kunsel hesitated mentioning it, but he went on with it since the similarities were too hard for him to ignore. "We… got a new recruit recently. I think he's the same age as you. Maybe a little younger. He… lost a lot of things too. But there's something about him—something I know will cause a change around here."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"So that you know that you're not alone. And that not all hope is lost with how we've been losing against Shinra recently. We… will see to it—Shinra's end. For you. For the new recruit. For everyone here in Midgar."
"…"
"I promise."
That was the last time Aerith ever saw Kunsel.
~.~.~
Aerith sniffed as she turned her attention to her fifteen-year-old self, shaking her head in mock disappointment. "Too naïve back then. Be glad I've turned out to be who I am today or else we'd both hide our faces away in embarrassment."
Stopping her reminiscing, she tossed the picture back on her desk as she collapsed back onto her sheets. She stared at the wall, foolish to think that maybe something would change if she just laid there, wasting the minutes and the hours and the days away as the specks against the ceiling of her wall remained unshifting.
"No, you can't do this, Aerith," she said to herself as she sprung back up. Half of her blankets fell over the edge of her bed as she swung her legs over it. "It's not like you to just stand back and wait. Not anymore."
Cloud could take all the time he needed—she would wait—but she couldn't just sit around doing nothing. No, she needed to get moving—for him and for herself—even if it meant trudging forward with her saddened, heavy heart.
She needed to show him. To show him how much their time meant to her and how much he meant to her. Nothing from the past ever defined their relationship, and it was going to take a lot more than just a few words from her mouth to get him truly believe that. No, it had to be something more— something greater.
"Look at how much trouble you got me into, Zack," she scolded the picture when she stood up and gave it a warning tap with a finger. "Because of you, I got a lot of explaining to do; always giving me a headache even when you're gone, hm? Just kidding, it's my fault too, but you get what I mean."
Before she got to work, she pulled out another frame from beneath the drawer of her desk. She popped it open and slipped the picture into it.
This time, it faced forwards.
Aerith nodded as she neatly tucked it between her penholders.
"Gotta look forward, not back."
~.~.~
Knock, knock, knock!
"Cloud, we all know you're in there, let's not pretend here!" Jessie yelled through the door as her fist rapped against the flimsy wood. "We got you food. Tifa especially whipped it up for you so let's hurry on out and fill that empty stomach of yours, shall we?"
Silence.
"C'mon, boy." It was Barret's turn as he took Jessie's position and knocked even harsher on the door and boomed his voice loud enough for the entire apartment complex to hear. "You know how Tifa's cooking is: out of this world. Let's not miss out on it."
Silence.
"Here, let me," Tifa gently pushed Barret to the side to get her own knack at it. "Cloud?" She knocked twice. "We're all here to give you some food. I made your favorite: BBQ meat that highly resembles the stuff you see in Wall Market. Jessie helped with the sauce!"
And silence.
"I don't think he's coming out, guys," Wedge whimpered as he played with his hands a bit. "And Cloud's kind of scary when he's all quiet like this."
Jessie didn't have any plans to wait it out, so instead, she bumped Tifa over to the side and nearly punched the door as she knocked again.
"Cloud Strife, I'm giving you a warning right now: don't make me!"
"Maybe we shouldn't force him," Tifa said sullenly, feeling a bit bad for invading his privacy when he obviously didn't want any company at the moment. "Perhaps we should come at another time?"
"Tifa, it's almost six in the evening; we're going to find a rotting corpse sooner or later if we leave this be," Biggs reasoned as he watched all of their attempts to get the blond to open up. "He could at least let us see his face, take the food, and tell us to leave—it shouldn't be that hard, right?"
"Right," Tifa replied more confidently as she sighed.
"So, I got a real question here," said Barret, piquing everyone's interest. "How expensive is this door?"
"…Why?"
When Barret and Jessie gave each other a knowing look, Tifa should've stopped them.
"On the count of three," Jessie smirked.
Barret nodded. "One…"
"Two…"
"Three!"
Barret punched the door while Jessie kicked it, earning an audible noise of surprise from Wedge while Tifa and Biggs instantly dropped their jaws shamelessly onto the ground. The already-fragile door collapsed, allowing the nightlights from the outside to stream gently in from the opening.
In the dark, Cloud immediately jumped up onto his feet from his bed, eyes rapidly blinking as he adjusted to the new light. However, the immense frown that angled on his forehead did not go by unnoticed as he crossed his arms and released the biggest sigh the Planet had ever heard.
"You think resorting to property damage is the way to go?" he snorted as his eyes burned through Jessie and Barret. "Seriously, I'm not in the mood right now—get out."
"Don't worry, I don't want to stay here any longer than I need to," growled Barret as he snatched the bag of food that Tifa had so carefully packaged for him out of her hands. His feet thumped against the floors as his bulky figure seemed to fill up the tiny room. With one turn of the knob on the lamp, he turned on the light, causing Cloud to wince as the brightness hurt his eyes.
If they didn't know that he had trapped himself all day in his room, then they wouldn't have known that there was a problem to begin with. Cloud looked fine—too fine. With hair showered, face washed, and clothes fresh, the merc showed no signs of despair.
Except for the blank look in his eyes.
"I'm not paying for my door. Suit yourselves," he sighed, not surprised with the antics his friends came up with. He went back onto his bed and laid on it, making sure his back faced them as his eyes stared down his wall. "Hurry up and leave when you guys are done making a mess out of my place."
Barret made sure all his movements were loud and obnoxious as he set up all of the food that Tifa and Jessie took the time to make for him. Biggs and Wedge stood by the door as Tifa and Jessie approached the bed in an attempt to talk to the blond.
"Cloud." Tifa hesitantly sat down on the edge of it next to his backside as she looked at his tense shoulders. "Cloud, c'mon, hm?"
Her hand gently placed itself on his arm, but she gasped when he roughly shrugged it off and sat back up instantly.
"I'm serious—get out," he hissed. His eyes flashed dangerously, the mako seemingly coursing through his irises as they glowed with anger and irritation. He didn't even falter in his expression when he saw the surprise and hurt on Tifa's face. There were a lot of things running through his mind; offering his friends any hospitality was not one of them. "Be glad I left you off with a warning when you knocked down my door. Take the warning now and leave before I do more than just place a bill for it."
Tifa hadn't seen this side of Cloud since the time when he first settled into Sector 7, and it scared her. The sharpness—the coldness—of his eyes ripped through her as she stiffened her muscles in a natural response of defense. However, she told herself to relax as she took a deep breath in, easing away the tension she felt as he burned his orbs into hers.
She wasn't going to be scared this time.
"What, what—what are you going to do, huh?" Jessie mockingly shot back as placed her hands on her hips. "Barret's right. Don't worry, we'll be out of your shoes in a jiffy, you prick. It's not like your room is some sort of haven I'd like to stay in any longer anyway."
Cloud turned his gaze to glare at Jessie this time, but he didn't say anything as he let his eyes do the talking. Jessie threw her hands up in defeat in a moment of anger, but she slowly let them fall back to her sides as her frustration at the blond died down; getting angry wasn't going to solve anything.
"We just wanted to make sure that you're alive, give you some food for the day, and be on our way if you don't wanna talk," Biggs explained, a small, grim smile bent at his mouth. "We're just worried for you, buddy. Don't be too mean to us."
"There's nothing to talk about," dismissed Cloud, looking away from everyone as he directed his eyes back towards his sheets.
Biggs nodded. "Alright. Just eat up then. Come out tomorrow when you feel better."
"What Biggs said," Jessie glumly muttered as she felt her ponytail. "And open up the window for some air."
Cloud watched as Jessie strode across his room so that she could open the window that he built.
That they built.
Cloud clutched the hair at the front of his head as he clenched his eyes shut, not wanting to remember any of their happier moments right now as he shook them out of his mind. The only thing he could do to feel better was just not to think. If he didn't think, then he wouldn't remember. If he didn't remember, then he wouldn't have to feel. If he didn't have to feel, then he would feel better—certainly.
That was how it worked before anyway.
The only difference was that it wasn't working this time.
"Just go," he repeated, voice broken this time as all the agitation dissipated. "Thanks for coming. Don't worry about the door. Just go."
"Cloud," Tifa half-whispered, unable to take in the sight of him being so sad anymore. She slowly pulled him over for a hug, one that he didn't return as he stared past her shoulder and landed his eyes on Jessie's military boots. "You're not alone anymore. Not like before. Didn't we already establish that just a while ago?"
Barret finished setting up his food before he took a seat at the bed as well, making it creak underneath his weight. His lips were in a tight, straight line as he hesitantly put a hand on Cloud's back, not really knowing what to say or do, but wanting to let him know that he was there.
"Let's not stay like this for long," he grumbled. "It's not good to keep yourself shut in this stale room of yours."
Tifa pulled away, enabling Jessie to join the party in their consoling as she approached the blond and patted his shoulder comfortingly, a small smile of her own appearing as she sighed.
"We won't ask you anything. Just don't make us wait like this. Much to all of our surprises, we can get pretty worried about you too even though you can probably solve everything with that sword of yours," quipped Jessie in an attempt to lighten up the mood. "Buster Sword first, then brain, right?"
"I'm not that much of a knucklehead," Cloud retorted, but a small hint of amusement laced his voice as he pursed his lips. When Tifa saw how he was restraining himself from showing his emotions, she shook her head and urged him to look in her eyes.
"Look, we're here for you, okay? Tell us what's wrong sometimes. Aerith…" Cloud visibly stiffened at the mention of her name, causing Tifa's heart to prick a little bit as she saw his reaction. "Aerith's worried about you."
"Did you talk to her?" he immediately questioned; his walls pulled up once more as he let out a shaky breath. "If you brought her here, then I—"
"Relax. It's just us," Biggs assured. He awkwardly lifted up the door from the ground and tried to fit it back as best as he could. When the entrance was covered up, he wiped his hands and jokingly presented the door to Cloud. "The door is now closed. Rest assured, security is at its maximum right now."
Everyone laughed at Biggs's half-baked repair job except for Cloud, who managed a small smile in appreciation. When he saw the food set up for him at his desk, his sucked his lips in as he began to feel guilty about the way he initially greeted them.
"Sorry," muttered Cloud. "I just…"
He trailed off, not knowing what to say to his dear friends who he now realized came all this way because they were his friends, and they were worried. He rubbed the back of his neck, unsure whether or not he wanted them to be here with him. It would be too much work to deny the fact that he did feel a sort of comfort from just their presence—the darkness was not doing any good at all as a companion—but it was weird. Strange. Unusual.
Never had he ever reached out towards his friends this way whenever he was in a pinch. He solved his issues himself—or, at least, tried his best to—because that was just how he naturally was. Guarded and closed off—a lone wolf. It felt more… comfortable that way. He felt more secure, and things would happen more within his predictions because he would just be on his own, not needing to consider anything or anyone else during his calculations.
Of course, this way of life got instantly burned because a certain Cetra did not approve at all.
Aerith, Aerith, Aerith.
It was always her. It had always been her. Now and before—always.
"How is she?" he finally asked, and it surprised him that this was the first thing he proactively said to his friends. While the feelings of betrayal were still present, he still managed to worry over her wellbeing despite his own being near rock-bottom.
Tifa pulled some hair behind her ear, but that one second of unnatural silence was enough of an answer for Cloud. He ran his two hands through his hair as he tried to wrap his mind around the entire situation, trying to find some control over it, but the situation had long since escaped his control.
"If you're okay with it, tell us," Tifa urged one more time. "If not, we can just go, but make sure you eat and—"
"Aerith had a lover," Cloud blurted out, instantly silencing everyone and stilling their movements as they realized that Cloud Strife was actually talking. He had to wait a bit as everyone got situated in his room. Barret and Tifa positioned themselves on his bed while the rest joined the floor nearby his feet. When he was beginning to feel uncomfortable again at the thought of telling them what had happened, no one said anything as they allowed him to take his time, clearly seeing how much he was struggling to even say it. However, he sucked it up, and he allowed everything to just spill.
"Remember that… story I told? About the guy who saved my life?"
"As clear as day," answered Biggs.
"He was Aerith's lover. Before he died."
"…"
"… Are you talking about Zack Fair? The guy we kept hearing about at topside?" Tifa widened her eyes. "The man who… saved us at Nibelheim?"
"Yes," Cloud confirmed, getting jumpy as he played at the leather of his gloves. "That's him. That's the SOLDIER Aerith was with. The guy that I killed."
"Okay, no, don't say that," Jessie frowned, but he didn't listen to her as he began to tumble down the road of rumination.
"I found their picture. She never told me, and I don't know how long she intended to hide it from me," he said bitterly. "I don't think I can handle that fact—the fact that the guy she loved before me was taken away because his life was given in exchange for mine. The whole reason why I'm even here is because of him, and I can't—"
Cloud's heart sped up unnaturally as his head met a familiar pain. He shook his head, not wanting the mako poisoning to get at him again. Knowing the signs, Tifa patted his back to get him out of it, making sure that her presence and everyone else's were right next to him.
He didn't need to go back.
"Cloud…"
"She knew since the beginning." His voice cracked terribly as he dug in further. "She knew, but she never told me. This sword," he pointed to the large blade that sat against his wall next to his bed, "is a weapon known for its wielders. No one else has a sword like it. First Angeal, then Zack, then me. She knew, but she kept it from me. Is it because of my past with Zack? Did she even ever look at me?"
"Cloud, what are you trying to say?" Jessie asked warningly.
"I'm starting to think that all she ever looked at was the part of me that will forever be connected to Zack."
"No, no—"
"I can't live with that—the idea of being with someone who will always be reminded of that person every time she looks at me, the person who sacrificed his life needlessly for someone like me. It should've been me who perished at the edge of Midgar. Zack—he was loved by everyone, by her. Everyone in SOLDIER knew him; there was not a single soul who didn't. I'm just a shadow, and the Buster Sword is just a mere remnant of its past two owners. It's not mine; it has never been mine. Zack didn't need to go like that, to die so alone in the barren waste fields of Midgar. It should've been—"
"What are you trying to say, huh?" Jessie got onto her knees as she clasped onto Cloud's shoulders and shook him violently. Tifa tried to stop her, but Barret shook his head, signaling for her to step back. "Cloud Strife, are you trying to say that you should've been the one in his stead? That you should've died like that?"
"If it means that Zack could've lived on, then yes," Cloud spat darkly. However, Jessie wasn't having any of it.
"That's not true! What do we have to say to convince you otherwise?" she snapped. "Aerith, she has always looked at you for you, not anyone else. And as a person who had tried to get in between you guys before, I know. I know that she has never looked for Zack in you. And his death? Not your fault! How could you say something so sad in his memory? Just how could you?"
"You don't know anything." Cloud tried to tear her hands off of him, but Jessie never let go as she tried to pull him out of this depressing thinking.
"That night we went to topside," Biggs began, "you could've fooled me. Because I don't think anyone ever mistook you as anyone else. All I heard was Cloud Strife the asshole—the asshole who saved lives."
"There's nobody here that Aerith cares more about than you," Jessie continued. "How could you let the past define her love for you? She's done! It's been what, almost ten years since Zack's death? Aerith is a grown woman now. Will she ever forget Zack? No, but that doesn't mean she's foolish enough to seek reunion with her dead lover through you, who is alive and warm and has blood flowing through you! Seriously, you can't think like this. His death is not your fault, and this stupid hunk of a sword," she reached out to the wall and heaved the sword and its enormous weight over so that he could look right at it. "is yours! No one else on this blasted Planet can swing it around the way you do or else their arm would fall off."
"Even though I don't agree with how Jessie is yelling at you," Tifa shot Jessie a look, "what she is saying… is right, Cloud. Do you want to know what she told me a while ago?"
Cloud didn't say anything, but she took his silence as a signal to speak. "Before our talk, I was really scared of you, Cloud. I think everyone was." At this, everyone nodded in agreement. "You were so cold, and no one dared to approach you. But did you know when that began to change? It started to change the moment you met Aerith."
"What are you talking about?" he chuckled darkly. After all, he only laughed whenever he found himself stuck in a ditch, waiting for the water to climb up to his neck and eventually submerge him. Tifa, the same as Jessie, was not tolerant of it, and forced him to look her in the eyes so that he knew how serious she was.
"We've known you for five years—I've known you since childhood—yet Aerith, who had only met you a month or so prior, knew you. More than any of us here at the time because she saw you for who you were, not for what you appeared to be. Something I couldn't even do for you. She… during the eco-project," Tifa took a slow, deep breath to catch herself a little bit, but also to allow her words to sink deeper into Cloud, whose frown was starting to go away, "She was the one who told me to have some more courage to talk to you when I leaked my insecurities about our interactions by accident. Let me tell you: I've never felt so ashamed with my lack of an initiative in my life."
"… What did she say?" A familiar hitch lodged his throat, growing more and more uncomfortable as he tried to quell it by swallowing it.
Tifa smiled at him warmly as she herself thought back to what Aerith had said to her.
"It's not too late. His doors are always unlocked. You just have to speak up, hm?" And Aerith gave her a wide, sympathetic smile of encouragement. "He's the same Cloud Strife you know."
"When I thought that you were too far changed—too far to reach—she was the one who let me know that you never went anywhere, that your… doors were always open. The Cloud Strife I've known since childhood had always been there, but just in a slightly different form; that was what she taught me. And she wouldn't have been able to tell me that if she didn't see you for you, Cloud. She always saw you for you, and her past with Zack has nothing to do with how much you guys care for each other, okay? And as for why she kept it from you…"
"Did you not think that she did it all for you?" Barret finally spoke up, being silent with Wedge the entire time. "With that whole freak attack last night, you think she wouldn't know? She called us to come get you and your ass home knowing how you would react."
"I don't really get what's going on too much," added Wedge, but he had his fists up in encouragement as he nodded enthusiastically, "Aerith is a nice girl! She always seems to look out for everyone, even for someone like me. She's always telling me how to lead a healthy lifestyle and everything!"
"And you know better than anyone why Aerith did what she did if you gave it some thinking," Tifa finalized, not wanting to put anymore on him. "She cares for you, Cloud. A lot. And I hope you realize that for yourself." Tifa stood up, inspected Barret's neat arrangement of his meal on the table, and gestured it towards Cloud. "Come eat sometime okay? When it's still warm."
Signaling everyone that their check-up on the blond was done, Tifa gave Cloud one more brief hug before she went over to the busted door.
"We'll pitch in for the door. Sorry about that. Was the only way we could've gotten to you," Jessie apologized as she gave him a one-armed hug as well.
"Just don't ignore us next time," Barret warned before giving Cloud harsh thumps against his back as goodbye. "That, or get a better door next time."
Biggs and Wedge said their goodbyes as well, but before everyone left, Cloud finally spoke up.
"Sorry. And… thanks."
"Thank you, Cloud, for telling us. And no problem. After all, what are friends for?"
The gang exited, making sure the door looked as intact as possible from the other side before Cloud heard their slow footsteps climb down the stairs. Heaving a huge breath, Cloud collapsed back onto his bed, allowing everything his friends beat into his head just sink and be processed. He held his hand up to ceiling, staring through the slits between his fingers as he remained deep in thought.
Was what they said really true?
You make me feel so special. You don't make me feel insecure, not at all, and… you make me feel like I really am someone important to you. I thought you would be cheeky with this whole relationship, or closed off since you are a buffoon sometimes, but you're just—I don't know—you're just so much more than I expected. And… it really makes me feel like the happiest girl on the Planet.
"Fuck," he cursed, and he sat right back up. He forced himself to get out of his bed, sat at his desk, and scarfed down the food, not letting one bit go to waste as he recognized how much his friends cared for him enough to visit and say all those things to him. As he satiated his sudden hunger, he thought long and hard about what to do next.
Aerith had done so much for him; it was time that he did something for her.
When he was done eating, he knew exactly what he had to do.
Reaching for his phone in his pocket, he made an important call.
Beep… beep… beep…
Then, the person picked up.
"Cloud? I didn't expect a call from you so soon! What's up? How've you been doing?"
"Kunsel," Cloud swallowed down the rest of the lump before he readied himself. "I'll get straight to the point—I need a favor."
And he explained to Kunsel what he wanted to do, all the while omitting many details as to why he was requesting for his assistance in this matter. When Cloud finish, Kunsel's happy tone was close to gone.
"Cloud, no, as much as I want to help you, I do not want you to go through that. The mechanics of it—you won't be able to—"
"Kunsel," Cloud interrupted, and the sincerity in his voice was unmistakable, even through the phone. "I'm asking you. This is really important. I'll do whatever it takes because it's… something that has been buried for too long. Well, it won't be anymore if you help me."
Cloud was met with silence, and he knew Kunsel was thinking hard about it before he made his decision.
"I don't got that sort of authority, Cloud, even if I wanted to help. I hate to say this, but not anyone can access it—it's top-level government stuff."
"Don't you have some power? After all, everyone knows you in SOLDIER, even if you were just second-class. Can't you pull some ropes?"
"If we're going to talk about authority and rank here, then you have more of it than me since you're considered first-class."
"Kunsel, let's be real here—I was never registered as an official SOLDIER," sighed Cloud, leaning back into his chair as he ran a hand through his blond locks. "I don't even have an ID or anything. They'll call bullshit on me, even if they know who I am. Is there really nothing you can do?"
"Sorry, I can't help you in this department, but…"
"But?"
"I think you personally know someone who can."
"Kunsel, what are you—oh."
"Yeah. You got it?"
Cloud nodded, but realized that Kunsel couldn't see him and said, "I'll get back to you, if that's okay."
"Yeah, of course. Cloud… are you sure you're going to be okay?"
"… Yes. I think so. Thanks."
"… Good luck. Let me know how things go, and I'll try my best to help you out in any way I can."
"Got it."
Cloud ended the call, but he quickly rung up another number right after, nervousness already filling up his veins as he shook his leg in impatience. When the person finally picked up at the last ring, he steeled himself.
"Hey, Genesis. It's me, Cloud. Do you have some time?"