Author note: Seriously. Please. Someone. I need a Zoro AMV to "Lost in the Woods" from Frozen 2. Bonus points if the whole thing is only scenes of him getting lost.
Also, a Zoro dictionary entry. fEeLiNgS = romantic love. He can never quite bring himself to let the word "romance" pass his lips.
Also also I apologize cause this chapter has a lot of... introspection... and I tried mixing in action between the thoughts but there's still a few chunky paragraphs :-]. Sometimes it feels like you have to include the trains of thoughts that led a character to thinking the way they do, and sometimes those trains of thoughts are actually just you [the author] working through and understanding your character. So I apologize again if some of the introspection doesn't quite sound like Zoro. I'll admit it probably isn't. BUT! that's the beauty of fiction and first tries. I can make characters walk through unrealistically detailed understandings of their inner psychology Xb. without further ado, CHAPTER 23! WOO!
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Zoro:
Frick. This.
Wind whips against my ears as I sprint through the jungle underbrush, crashing through spiderwebs and weaving between the roots of behemoth Sequoia and Kapok trees.
THFT!
A wooden spear splits past my cheek and buries into a trunk several feet above me, the action followed by screaming howls from behind me. My lungs burn with effort as I stay my course- how long have I been running?- and the hole where I got run through in my stomach throbs with every pounding step.
"mmm.." Tashigi groans in my arms, pressing her face into my chest to try and muffle the noise, and bile rises in my throat at how quiet she sounds. Above us, thick branches creak from the weight of a thousand furry pursuers.
Frick. FRICK.
When they said toxic jungle, I thought they meant bugs. Not howler monkeys who learned how to dip self-carved spears in poison frog juices.
!THFT! THFT!
"gah!" I growl, skidding to a stop as two more spears fly past me and then skirting to the left to dodge a volley of others.
It's a toxic jungle
the woman in my arms is dying
This night ended up being a lot more complicated and painful than I expected.
Where the heck is my boat and crew.
!BZZT!
A swarm of neon striped dragonflies pelt my face as I run, making me gag and trip over a log instead of jumping over it.
"AAHH!" Tashigi shrieks into me and I hiss in pain, my whole weight slamming her into the ground as we collapse. FRICK. Panic broils inside my chest as spears rain down on us and I roll into the cover of the log then scramble to my feet, racing along the edge of a towering root in hopes of seeking cover.
Monkey screams split the night, drowning out the normal hum of cicadas, their stampeding in the canopy pounding out vibrations and shaking leaves to the ground as I fly through the underbrush, electric blue ferns and red elephant ear leaves grabbing at my legs, trying to trip me up.
Maybe this is all a hallucination
!THFT!THFT!THFT!THFT!
"GAH." I seethe as very real pain splits my side, glaring at the spear that grazed my rib cage now imbedded in the ground. I could fight them, but I'd have to put Tash down leaving her unguarded. I glance down, regretting it the second I see a legitimate puddle of blood pooled between us, thick liquid running down my torso, staining everything. Guilt stabs- that was from that fall a second ago-Don't have time to fight. Damnit- where's
"OH FU-" I sputter and gag, spit spraying as I try to dissuade the 10 inch spider crawling on my shoulder from inching towards my face and back frick there's definitely more on my back what the HELL CHOPPER DID YOU PUT IN THAT REPELLENT CAUSE IT'S NOT WORKING.
"Silly Zoro! It's working perfectly! You may be covered in bugs but they aren't biting you! They think you are an inanimate object that poses them no threat. You see the liquid soaks into-"
I skid to a stop as I stare wide eyed at the little reindeer standing above me balanced on one of the tall roots, talking without a care in the world.
What the-
"CHOPPER GET OUTTA HERE!" I shout, broiling panic exploding to terror when I glance up and see a hundred howler monkeys diving from above- spears aimed straight at- me
I look back, Chopper gone.
Spears aimed at us
"DAMN-" I squat and drop Tash before unsheathing my swords as I spin and stand- the dragon twister blasts howling monkeys, their bodies slamming into trees, wooden spears flung far away.
For a single moment, silence reigns in the forest.
My breathing, haggard and gasping, is too loud.
Chopper?
I flick observation Haki on, coiled terror slowly untangling when I sense nothing.
Hallucination.
Branches creak from above, and I glance up to see hoards of monkeys slowly gathering again.
"Zoro.. we need to get to the boat.." Tashigi's voice is still too quiet as I snap my attention to her, frowning to see her trying to sit up, her hair matted from getting caught in branches while running and her tank top soaked dark against too pale skin. Something tightens my chest, sick and twisting.
"Shaddup. Don't waste energy saying obvious stuff." I growl as I quickly lean down and scoop the marine up, wincing at the movement, then start walking, then sprinting.
"Zoro.. you're going the wrong way.."
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Tashigi POV:
Why am I letting him carry me?
I let my head fall against the splintered bark of the hallow Kapok root- gasping at dizzying waves of acid and blood radiating from my core and making me drunk on agony. Beside me, I can feel Zoro, breathing harsh and gulping as he tries to slow the rise and fall of his chest.
Opening my eyes, vision adjusts to dim light filtering into the hallow Kapok root through a 3 foot opening, washing everything in blue hues as the hole is hidden by electric blue ferns. Just outside, I can hear the rustling of branches and decaying leaves slowly drift away as monkeys search for their vanished prey elsewhere. Finally, the jungle night returns to the humming of cicadas and clashing vibrations of different insects.
"I- can't believe- you just sprinted for- 5 miles-" I gasp out, voice hitching in exhaustion as I slump more against the inside wall of the root. "2 more miles- then- we reach the Sunny"
I close my eyes again, thoughts turning to static as I try to activate observation Haki, vision stuttering as I seek out the 9 auras standing along the rail of a boat past and below the cliffs of the island.
"I can't believe I ran away from those bastards for 5 miles instead of trying to hide sooner." Zoro growls beside me, his voice breaking my distraction. I open my eyes and turn to stare at the swordsman in silent shock and guilt.
"You could have just fought them if you didn't have to carry my ass." I grumble to myself, turning back and closing my eyes. "You sprinted from murder monkeys for 5 miles while carrying dead weight." My voice is bitter with guilt and envy, and tears sting my eyes even as darkness eats at the edge of my consciousness. The dim hollow hole we're hiding in lulls me deeper into static thoughts
"I'm sorry I can't be there to tell the truth as you get older."
Acid burns my throat, mixing with the taste of iron.
"the entire fricking world government scoffed at the thought of you being a threat"
I'd laugh too.
My jaw clenches and I quickly lift a hand to try and wipe the tears and memories away.
"when they say greatest, sweetheart, they mean greatest."
Something cracks inside me.
"..Oh God.." I whisper, choked and scratchy.
I can't believe I actually thought I could help anyone! Believed that I was strong enough to do ANYTHING useful when people rely on me!
A short laugh rips from my throat, thoughts spiraling and crashing in death loops.
"Oi, Captain Glasses-"
"The navy is killing people! For power! For weapons! HA! And of all the idiots who thought they could DO anything about this-" I pause, voice only slightly hysterical- "I SHOWED UP!" I laugh again, tears still streaming down my face as I sit up from the root wall, groaning as the action almost washes me away again, but instead I grit my teeth and start crawling for the hole. "Monkeys are gone. Let's go."
"..can't be there to tell the truth.."
"..when they say greatest.."
"..the people of Haomzen will sacrifice.."
"GLASSES." Zoro's voice rips out in a deep growl and I feel a hand grab my wrist and pull back, keeping me from moving forward. "Would you STOP. MOVING. You're gonna bleed out."
"So?" The word jumps out before I can stop it, and everything in me shrinks in anticipation.
"HAAAH?! You've got some people your tryna save, don't 'So' me!" He practically sneers at me, and rage snaps through the blood leaking from my veins.
"EXACTLY. How can I help anyone if I can't even walk away from a pathetic fight like that!" I flip my head back to him, only to realize he's moved beside me, glaring as our eyes clash. I stay on my hands and knees, limbs shivering with the effort, as our eyes continue to narrow, until he glances down at my shivering limbs, concern flitting across his hard face, almost indiscernible, and I let my head hang. "I'm so weak. I had no idea that man was coming, then he played me like a puppet. I had no power over if I died or not because I'm so damn USELESS. If you hadn't been there-" My voice hitches, throat swollen and thick with emotion, "-at least let me try to walk away. If I can't even do that.."
If I can't muster the will to lay my life on the line now, to push myself instead of relying on a notorious pirate, how can I hope to win the greatest challenge on my own?
NO.
I pull my hand from Zoro and start crawling forward again, every movement like shooting birdshot in my torso repeatedly, blinding and consuming against my determination.
I will NOT take the easy road. I have to get strong! I have to-
"You've gotta be kidding me. Tashigi-" Zoro's voice is like a slap, harsh and bitter, my name a curse in his mouth. "You pulled teethed wire out of yourself and just committed treason by beating a base commander- could you shut up for one damn second about being pathetic and STOP. MOVING." His hand grabs my arm now and with unmovable gentleness tries to twist me so I'm lying down.
"No! Stop it!" I shout, twisting and trying to writhe out of his grasp, but the movements incapacitate and for several seconds the world goes black as I drown in the sensation of my insides ripping apart. Gasping- I cling to my convictions. "Future enemies won't care about playing fair or previous fights when I face them!" I grind the words out, hot anger burning away darkness and care of physical pain, "And I won't have some damn stubborn notorious pirate to carry me to the next step. If I can't push through now-"
"You pulled out half your internal organs you idiot! You shouldn't even be conscious right now!" His words are still bitter, laden with gravity and disgust. "I'm sick and tired of you and your pathetic death wish. Every time we meet you keep throwing yourself at stuff you know is gonna kill you!"
"Well if you killed me in Lougetown like any honorable swordsman you wouldn't be dealing with me now, so blame yourself!" I shout in retaliation, panting as I collapse against the hollow wooden walls. "I wasn't good enough to kill then so why care if I die now. You keep going the wrong way anyways and wasting time! Let me walk!"
"NO." Zoro growls, and cracking my eyes open I watch his grow cold with fury.
"I have to get stronger and it won't happen if you keep doing everything for me!" I bite back, before doubling over at a feverish wave wracking through me. Memories of every failure tattoo my thoughts, biting and branding.
"NOTHING ABOUT THIS WOULD MAKE YOU STRONGER. IT JUST PROVES YOU'RE STUPID."
"THIS IS EXACTLY HOW YOU GET STRONG. IT'S HOW F****** LUFFY WINS EVERY FIGHT. Haki only improves in life or death battles. When was the last time you actually thought you were going to die Roronoa Zoro? Because I bet it's been YEARS since you actually CHALLENGED someone who could take you DOWN. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET STRONG. BUT I'M F****** WEAK. SO EVERY DAMN FIGHT STILL FEELS LIKE THE END."
My voice grows hoarse and raked, spit spewing with droplets of blood that climb up my throat, until suddenly I can't scream anymore because I'm choking on my own blood.
I'm gonna die.
The thought stabs.
"..Just, stop."
I blink my eyes open, aware of strong hands holding my shoulders propping me up so I didn't drown in my own blood. Silence fills the hollow, dim hole, and I let my eyes close again.
".. no matter how many times I think it's the end, I still make it. But I'm still never good enough on the other side." I whisper.
A shudder runs through my body as I slump forward more, tears streaming in defeat. I'm still a failure.
"Good enough for who?"
Zoro's voice is quiet and tight. My fists barely clench at the question, mind reeling and drifting, floating on ice.
The law is not always right, but to go against the law is always wrong.
Don't trade your soul for a lie. I'm sorry I can't be there to tell you the truth as you get older.
Ancient pain wells in my heart, fresh wounds mixed in.
"Good enough to live for. Good enough that others acknowledge and, trust. and rely. I want to be good enough for people." Slowly, I lift my head to look at the pirate holding me up, sniffling, vision blurry as I whisper with a gurgled voice. "I'll get people to acknowledge me or I'll die trying. So they can know I gave my best for them. So long as I go protecting someone else. So long as it's not for nothing."
My head drops again, my thoughts too heavy to hold.
"I don't buy that selfless bull. Why demand I kill you in Lougetown? How was that gonna save anyone? You're just a prideful idiot drunk on perfection. Don't paint yourself a martyr." Zoro says the words with finality, and I slowly lift my gaze one last time, wincing at the statement even as I stare bitterly.
"Maybe. yeah." I whisper, broken in agreement, before my broken bitterness turns harsh. "so sorry for wanting to be treated as equal. I should have known better than to seek acknowledgement from a pirate for something as basic as being seen as a swords person and not a woman." I grit my teeth once then drop my head again as the world starts spinning at furious speeds. "because that's aaaall that matters now. Selfish once so I'm reduced to just a prideful idiot copycat. Forget about good enough, I can't even be acknowledged as my own person when I'm with you."
I don't bother to look up again, crushed and small. But still faithful to conviction.
"...That's not...-" Zoro starts, but I pull myself away from him, letting pain drown out anything else he has to say.
"I never wanted to be perfect anyways." I whisper to myself, memories of grandma talking about mom flitting through darkening thoughts.
I don't feel myself fall, don't feel anything as I blink my eyes open one last time, cicada and jungle noises gone, blue light reflecting and lighting up only half of Zoro's face, lips tight and face twisted in, fear?
Now what would the great Roronoa Zoro be afraid of?
I squint, seeing his lips part-
"..diot. You don't wanna be perfect then don't be perfect. Doesn't matter if the whole world acknowledges you. If you don't acknowledge yourself, it means nothing."
His voice dies away, along with other noises, but not before a spark of hot anger burns at the assumption. I acknowledge myself! Every time I flipping fail I say "Tashigi you need to.. do.. better...
Staring up at him, I don't need to hear the words he smirks.
Do I acknowledge the good stuff too? Can I accept who I am, and embrace it as more than hopes for improvement and regrets from the past?
Can I be at peace with who I am and where I am now?
My own peace.. not found by acknowledgement... but because I am me. and for that reason alone?
We stare at each other, my world still silent, and his smirk softens a fraction of a hint.
Something, else. Flutters to life.
Something nice
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:)
...
WAIT.
How dare that prideful, good for nothing, man child of a pira-! My fingers grasp at decaying wood, until Zoro and the rest of the jungle melt into darkness.
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Somewhere in the jungle after crawling out of the tree hole
Zoro POV:
I don't have time for this.
ANY. Of this.
I pause and readjust Tashigi in my arms for the umpteenth time, wincing because all my movements are starting to get painful and dull, and because I know she shouldn't get moved around this much.
Frick I hope she's not dead.
"Chopper can fix this." I mumble to myself, sputtering a bit as another swarm of knats fly into my face, grateful for the distraction from the gargling broil of rage fear and something unnamable stewing in my chest.
Not that I care if she dies or not.
I'll do what I can to help but I don't actually care about strangers' personal problems.
...
"DAMMNIT." I growl, eyeing the ground as I aim and stomp on another big spider. "I DON'T CARE."
I love my dreams and my crew.
but THAT'S. IT.
Anything else is a distraction.
Cause when I love something, when I care about it, I give everything.
I shake my head at the thought, frowning even as my hands grip her tighter.
I used to just love my first dream, and by association, her. I don't know how I felt about Kuina before she died, but afterwards, whatever weird mix of rivalry, friendship, things that could have been and things I never understood- it all rolled into an all consuming fire. 'My' dream became 'our' dream.
The thought riles strange bitterness in a bed of general warmth. I accept that. But for a guy who claims he's not attached to much, it kinda sucks that one of the two things I DO claim, doesn't even fully belong to me. In a sense... it will always be her dream.
Why I want to be the greatest.
It will always have priority. It's who I AM. It's why I want it. My Nakama is who I live for but swordsmanship? That's ME. But it's never been fully mine. My own identity can't be fully mine because...
I can't let go.
Not really. And even though I complain, I don't want to.
I'll gladly stay haunted. To keep her alive.
Tashigi flinches in my arms, drawing my attention back to her, and the previously thought statement gets caught in a whirlwind.
"Forget about good enough, I can't even be acknowledged as my own person when I'm with you."
I never thought staying haunted could hurt other people. I thought it would be my burden.
The thought makes me lurch to a stop, and I glare down at the marine.
"Going out of your way to avoid burdening people is YOUR thing. NOT mine. I a E. I am not controlled by weepy sentiment for strangers."
Tashigi flinches again, leaning her head into me, a small smile flickering at the corner of her mouth for a bare second, mocking.
'I'm not a stranger anymore' it says.
I blink, then my eyes narrow and I start walking again with an extremely irritated snort.
I don't care about non strangers either. Maybe enough to tint my current state or emotions. Never enough to compete with my dream and my family. For a long time it was just my dream.
Then Luffy happened. and I got a crew. I used to feel guilty when I started caring more about them, like I was stealing commitment from 'our' dream to become the greatest swordsman. I thought if I wasn't giving 100% of my focus, I was a liar. But when I offered my life to Kuma in exchange for Luffy, I felt no guilt.
I learned how to love more than one thing, and that it's okay to have more than one dream.
But not too many. people or dreams.
and never.. fEeLiNgS. THAT'S a level of complexity I DO NOT need.
Guilt pricks me as I remember my thoughts from a few nights before, but I shake them away. fEeLiNgS can be another thing that has multiple why's.
...
I'm starting to see a pattern.
The thought hits me right as an extra tall blue fern smacks me in the face, and I push it away.
Caring , sacrifice. Placing other's needs and priorities before your own. All on the flimsy requirement of trust. If you want healthy care. Franky said something like that once. You can have one sided care too and that just straight up sucks. Like carving out a piece of your heart and giving it to someone and then they rip it to shreds or drop it when they fall down a flight of stairs. Or they decide something else is more important.
Like their personal goal to DIE every chance they get just to prove a point.
THAT'S WORSE THAN THE STAIRS. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS ATTACHED TO KUINA, SHE DIED ON ACCIDENT AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT. SO WHY THE HECK WOULD I WILLINGLY LIKE SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO GET THEMSELVES KILLED AND CLEARLY HAS NO LOVE LOST ON A 'PIRATE'
"Frick." I mutter as I trip over a tree branch, stumbling a few steps as I desperately try to regain balance, trying to make the FINALLY unconscious Tashigi STAY that way.
not that I like her. I definitely do not like her. It's just cause she looks like Kuina. Yeah. That's it.
Stupid bloody wound. Balance still teetering, I spin and slam my back against a tree trunk to stop myself from falling, cringing as a giant !SQUISH! fills the night and chunky slime splats on my face.
"I hate this place." I growl as I peel my back from the tree, frowning at the giant beetle I accidentally splattered everywhere, then rolling my eyes as a second swarm of knats fly into my back and get stuck in beetle slime. Chopper's gonna hate me for whatever the heck kind of infection I get from all this.
I glance down at Tashigi again, fear gurgling more than rage at her stupidity.
"..should have known better than to seek acknowledgement from a pirate.."
No. Never mind I'm mad again.
"You hypocritical, weak pathetic excuse for a- swords..man..." My voice cuts itself off as I stutter, before rage renews my verbal assault- "acting like I'm the one too shallow to see past people's surface when all you ever call me is pirate."
Nevermind that she's right and forget about why the heck her prejudice bothers me. People hate me all the time and I don't care. This is no different. I DON'T. CARE.
I snort and stalk off again. Jungle's always make me think too much. and this isn't the time for emotion. I flicker my observation Haki on, sighing as I realize I've been walking in the opposite direction of the Sunny for a few minutes. Ignoring the coiled terror slowly rising at every passing second as fresh blood continues to drip from her wound. The same coiled terror I felt when I thought Chopper was gonna die.
Damn hallucination.
Her one hand gripped my arm so tight it actually hurt, her face twisting in pain with her jaw clenched in determination. I glanced down when I saw her arm flinch as she started to pull her hand out, but the action made her throw her head back with a spine- chilling scream. I quickly grabbed her head and pulled her into my chest, letting her keep screaming into my skin while I dropped one of my hands to her arm to help her finish pulling the hellish coils out of her stomach.
I yanked fast, wanting it to be over for her as quickly as possible, wincing as I could feel the thin spikes catching then ripping through flesh. The moment her hand was out, I grabbed the three barbarous coils, studying them for a moment as my body turned to heated ice at the sight.
"STOP." I growl at myself, sprinting pace slowing as I try to shake the memories away. This stupid, stupid woman.
I let out a disgusted snort before I start talking in a mocking voice while I keep sprinting- "I'm such a pathetic failure, I'm just one of the only swordswomen in the world with actual grit and forget that I just pulled off treason with a heist worthy of fiction and am still BREATHING."I glare down at the marine with exasperation and start shouting- "Really?! Acknowledgement?! People should be flocking to get acknowledged by you ya stubborn perfectionist!" My voice pauses and I flick my eyes from her rested face to the ground, trying to watch where I'm going. "You're already good enough. especially if you don't wanna be perfect." I growl, the jungle now, silent... the insects around me paused in their humming and turned towards me. I huff.
"WHAT'RE YOU LOOKIN AT. GET GOIN FODDER."
Everyone's a gag. At least there's not a bunch of murder mon- "I'm not finishing that thought." I grumble to myself. I don't rely on a higher power but words have a certain energy all to their own.
The graze on my ribs suddenly starts aching, and I slow down just barely as I look at both of us bleeding and then snap observation Haki on again. Sunny's still a mile away.. I should probably wrap all of this, but that would take more time than just getting her to Chopper. And would require me turning my pants into shorts. Too much work too late. I glance down again at Tashigi, frowning at my former t-shirt being fully drenched in blood.
Sudden heat rushes through me, sparking in my lower abdomen as my skin remembers how she shivered each time I brushed against her while wrapping the make shift bandage.
My eyes go wide at the sensation and I trip on air, spinning and one leg flailing as I try to regain balance and fail, crashing to the ground on my back with a !THUD!
"oouuhh.." I groan, miserable. "..what the hell is wrong with me.."
I blink my eyes open, staring up at moonlight filtering in-between the soft green leaves and branches as I lay on my back on the ground, a half dead marine on top of me. The constricted ball of rage, fear, and unmentionable feeling still twists inside. Except the unmentionable is becoming more and more clear.
I close my eyes and sit up, rubbing my face with one hand, the other wrapped around Glasses. The Sunny is so close. Then I can just forget all of this. I let out a sigh, actually squinting a bit from how bright the moonbeams are.
Just like back then.
I swallow, smiling bitterly as I welcome distracting memories of our last fight.
"I'm here to challenge you to your 2001st fight!... Fight me with a real sword!"
Crickets chirp all around me, and a soft breeze ruffles my hair. It's so much easier to think about Kuina. She's been gone for 12 years, so any arguments I have against her grew old years ago. Unlike another dark haired woman who is actively messing with my state of being. Kuina was never this hard to understand. Maybe cause I was 10 and only knew her for a year.
Fog slowly starts to roll into the air, refracting moonlight off into intricate patterns.
I move to stand, but dizziness grabs my balance and I slowly lean back to the ground again. Stab wounds aren't simple wounds, and without actual adrenaline..
I'm tired.
Shaking my head, I got to push up again and ignore the symptoms when, I pause.
Minus the 50 bugs crawling all over, it's a beautiful jungle. Moonlight refracts off fog back into my eye, and slowly, I relax back into the ground.
"I used to be mad I never got to beat you. Now I'm mad that you never even got the chance to live." I whisper, to no one. "The world's bigger than I expected it to be."
Would you have thought the same thing, if you were here right now?
My teeth grind, the unanswered question a testament to the universe's cruelty. Any bitterness of having to share my dream melts away. I'll carry her with me to the top, no matter what it takes. I'll piss off the universe, make it wish it had taken me too-early instead. Before I can stop them, thoughts spiral to what ifs.
What if she made it? Might've joined the crew. Might've liked this jungle too. Might laugh at all my stupid confusion. Might have been the reason for it.
But she didn't make it.
My hands tighten around some grass, the blades crushed between my fingers and palm in a suffocating grasp. Love's a chain. The why's matter. and she's the motivation or the cage holding me back in more things than I knew. The ghost I want to haunt me. So she won't really die.
I let out a sigh, and start rocking forward to stand, my head still tilted to watch the filtered moon.
What if's are a dangerous game, that teeter on getting stuck in the past. They're easy to hide behind, and cling to when the other sad stuff starts fading. But sometimes they influence your actions, make you respond like the what if's are real.
What if I had... fEeLiNgS for Kuina?
What if I have them? now. for..
I swallow, and quickly stand.
"I like the what if's more." I mumble.
Because Captain Navy Glasses Brat is the EXACT definition of ALL THE REASONS I have AVOIDED this type of stuff.
"This is all stupid. I don't even care about her. Just a navy stranger." I start walking again, about to go into a sprint, "So why the heck am I scared you'll die."
My words sting with truth, coiled terror tighter than ever before enough proof of that. My attempt at sprinting fails and after a stumbled step I stay at a walking pace- thoughts poisoned and chest tight like Luffy dropped an anvil on me and caved the whole system in.
FRICK.
ALL.
OF.
THIS.
My eyes snap close as I push every thought down and away, my grip tightening on navy brat copycat as rage swallows fear. What right does this b**** have to come in and mess my whole system up?! NO.
I open my eyes as I walk and take another deep breath, determination set. I need a nap. A rustle on my left draws my attention, and I open my eyes and turn to watch as a purple giant pigeon steps out from behind a fern. The bird tilts its head, then coos, before suddenly 50 bees, beetles, praying mantis, and flies swarm towards the warm blooded animal and I blink as picked clean bones clatter to the ground a moment later. I raise an eyebrow in surprise, and the sting on my neck starts to itch.
Toxic, huh.
"You know you're an idiot Zoro."
I freeze, the voice far too real to be a trick, but-
I spin around, ignoring a spasm of pain from the movement as I stare at a ghost. Kuina, 13 years old and 10 feet away, leans against a tree trunk with her arms crossed and a smug smirk on her lips.
We stare at each other for a moment, me standing deathly still with Tashigi in my arms, every muscle tensed, her with that same haughty confidence I'd always despised and admired. I can feel my jaw almost unlock as it drops, as everything around me gains an almost too crystal clear vividness, spectrums of light and color starting to outline the forest.
"You gotta let me go man."
..what the..-
The wasp sting literally throbs, and I try glancing down at it even though I know I can't see. Kuina stands up straight and rolls her eyes.
"Yes I'm a hallucination."
"None of the other ones talked."
"That's cause you lack imagination. Though I was impressed by that one purple elephant."
My heart pounds against my chest, and very, very slowly I squat down and place Tashigi on the ground, not daring to look at her face. Standing, I rub my eyes, frowning deeply as I pull my arm away and the ghost is still there. This is not what I need right now. She's not real. She's not-
"Really? You spend the last couple minutes moping about how sad it is I died and now you try to get rid of me as soon as you see me?!" Kuina laughs at her question, the sound almost cruel with mirth as she starts walking towards me. I step back- damn she sounds exactly the same- before gulping and deciding to stand ground. I am NOT running away from a drug induced image. And that's all she is.
"Dead people should stay dead." I growl at the stubborn hallucination. How long did Joe say the poison lasts? I glance around the clearing, trying to distract myself by pretending to look for a way back to the boat.
"You are so right." Kuina croons, "So why do you keep day dreaming about what my life could have been like some hung up school girl?"
I look back at her with a sputter, eye brow twitching in indignation. What kind of self-righteous illusion-! "HEEAAAHH?! I don't-!"
Kuina throws her head back and laughs, hands on her belly as her whole body shakes with the effort. The noise shoots me to the core, and I feel any color I had left in my face draining. Why does this island keep throwing crazy s*** at me?! She quiets down, and looks back at me with a knowing twinkle.
"Call me the weird mix of drugs, your subconscious, and whatever 'part' of me is left in Wado. Regardless of what I am, I'm here to drop some truth."
New question. What's wrong with me? Get a grip man. Here I thought this night couldn't get worse. My frown deepens at the claim, but as I stare menacingly at the aberration, I can't ignore the intricate accuracy of my own mind trick. She looks so... small. But still larger than life. Even this stupid imitation is brimming with powerful potential-
"I wasn't supposed to be the greatest." She claims.
The words are a brutal slap, and for a second I forget this Kuina's not real. I grit my teeth at the statement and uncross my arms to point an angry finger at her.
"BS. You could have gotten to where I am now in twice the time! You were-"
"Never supposed to live past 13, Zoro." She cuts me off, young eyes knowing and suddenly solemn. "That's just the way it is. The success of someone's life isn't measured by how long they live or what they do and don't get to experience. It's measured by what they made of the time they had. So you gotta stop with the what if's and the guilt and resentment. I know a part of you hates me for dying like that. But that you also feel like somehow it's your fault the world didn't get a female greatest. Like you becoming the greatest instead of me will steal inspiration from thousands of girls who needed someone to pin their hopes on, girls like Tashigi. Love that you call her Tash by the way."
I clench my teeth at the claims while Kuina lightens up at her last comment, apparently tickled by the existence of my recent swordswoman nuisance.
"SHADDUP! and why would I feel guilty for that! Not like I pushed you down the stairs." I grumble, trying to ignore how her words turn old scars raw.
"No one said guilt makes sense. You just feel it. Just like there's no logic to thinking about what ifs or resenting a dead person. But people still do it. I'm telling you though that you gotta let go, cause your not like other people. You're gonna be the greatest."
"How do you know?"
Kuina tilts her head up, nose high in the air as if she's still looking down at me like I'm 10 and she's a foot taller. For a second I'm not breathing, a strange mix of lonely missing stabbing my chest. I missed growing up, growing better with her. Despite the girl's haughty stance, her grin is sincere as she laughs before saying in full confidence-
"Cause you promised."
It's a sucker punch that reaches too close to home. For the moment, I let myself forget. I stare at the little girl in front of me, eyes haunted.
"Why would you trust someone like me, who's got a pathetic amount of natural talent compared to yourself? Not just you. Hell, not even just Mihawk. There's still hundreds of guys out there who can still whoop my ass when it comes to swords." My thoughts twist to navy brat's words from earlier. I haven't faced a hard foe in a while. Doesn't mean they don't exist.
This time, Kuina frowns at me, before the 13 year old lets out an exasperated sigh.
"Are you saying you plan to fail?"
"NO. Just-"
"Oh boo hoo so you're not the greatest yet. But to say you don't have the same level of natural talent I did is illogical. You can't prove it!"
"I lost 2001 times."
"You were 10! I was 13! Don't discredit all the hard training I put in to keep ahead of you! Zoro, not anyone can become the greatest. But you have the raw talent and stubborn grit will. You love swordsmanship. I don't care how many opponents still stand in your way, because I know you."
I snort, and this time I roll my eyes. "Whatever. I'm not fighting with a ghost. Just, go back into Wado. I'm ignoring you until my brain makes you go away." I growl, starting to walk past the vision. I can go to the boat, send someone else for Tash-igibrat. This is just my head. Just my head. Just..
My hand instinctively falls to Wado Ichimonji's hilt, its familiar presence matching the illusion that stands in my way. I swallow, but keep walking.
"Oh no, can't get rid of me that easy." Kuina yells, breaking into a quick jog to run in front of me before turning and walking backwards, her hallucinated feet disappearing as she steps through rocks leaves and dirt.
"Yeah? All I gotta do is find some stairs and push." I seethe in a whisper, glare venomous.
"Ouch." Kuina dead pans and raises an eyebrow. "Lashing out much? Sheesh. I don't know why you're acting so butt hurt. You've spent the last 3 years seeing more of the world than most men can even dream of." Kuina starts to walk past me, until her accusations come from behind my back. "Your life is full, and good. The only time you think about me now is when you're feeling nostalgic, when you train, or when you're trying to avoid getting attached to stuff. So why don't you just let go?"
My hackles raise at the words, at her. Because suddenly this vision's shooting statements are weighed with the gravity of death. Spinning, I glare at the aberration, asking a question I sincerely saw no other answer to. "How the hell am I supposed to let go of the person my whole life is based on?!"
My scream is hoarse, before I snap my jaw shut, fists tight by my side as every muscle in my body tenses.
We've both stopped moving, and Kuina places her hands in her pockets. Everything in the jungle still has an ultraviolet outline, vision so piercing I can see the sound waves vibrate through the air as she speaks.
"I am not the person your whole life is based on." Kuina's voice is low, almost matching my growls. Her chin tilts towards the ground, her eyes dark as she whispers "You wanted to be the greatest long before you met me. Our promise is just one part of your dream." She lifts her face, revealing eyes pulsing with rage.
"You want to be the greatest. You want a lot of things. So stop using me as an excuse to not live your life to the fullest. You finally met Luffy, let yourself acknowledge other dreams. I have never been the sole motivation in your life. You just tell yourself that so you don't have to acknowledge when other motivations come in! You're doing it now with Tashigi, and you've been doing it with other responsibilities. YOUR THE FIRST MATE OF THE FUTURE PIRATE KING ZORO! You gotta stop clinging to the past!"
"I don't cling to the past!"
"No, you don't. You always find a way to incorporate me into the present. 'Oh, what if she was alive and we were in looove. Oh, I'll become the greatest but she'll always be greater than me. Oh, gotta make sure I give as many women warriors as possible the chance to keep growing.' It's pathetic dude!"
Her haunting is as obnoxious as the real thing. I let out an annoyed huff and cross my arms before looking down at the stubborn visage. First the slap-slap fruit, then that hectic escape, that weird whip guy, Tash being an idiot, and now this. Every word this hallucination speaks blazes onto my mind, unforgettable and upsetting.
"You done?"
"No! As a matter of fact, I'm not!" Kuina pulls her hands from her pockets and crosses her arms again to match my stance. "You keep wishing that I was alive. That I made it. But look. I told you but your dumb so I'm saying it twice. A successful life isn't the longest of most adventurous. Success is measured by what they made of the time they had. Stop thinking that I missed out on stuff. I didn't. Kuina was meant to live to 13. The experiences I had- that was my life to the fullest. So stop not living your life to the fullest just because you feel guilty and sad that I didn't get to live the same life as you."
My ears ring from drug induced over stimulation, and my pounding heart twists.
"I don't wanna live in a world where a 13 year old kid full of dreams is "meant" to die." I growl.
"Suck it up buttercup. I've accepted my fate. So did you. It's why you don't let people in. Cause you're scared for what the universe has in store for them. You can always count on your own stubbornness to not die. You can't control that in others."
The words sting with truth. I barely stop myself from turning to look at Tash, her dark hair and brown eyes not deserving the comparisons I want to make to the ghost in front of me.
Instead, we glare at each other, standing with hackles raised in the middle of a small clearing, a bed of leaves on the ground while bamboo rises a few feet higher than me, interspersed with ferns and palm style trees, the connected canopy towering above. Moonlight still filters through the leaves, splashing and speckling the young swords girl. Slowly, my glare falters, turning instead into a sad gaze.
I experienced enough crap tonight. Why do I have to find and lose my old best friend again? Cause that's all this is. I know she can't stay.
I didn't notice the wetness gathering in the corner of my eyes, but I'm quick to wipe some stupid tear that starts to roll down my cheek. Damn hallucination.
Kuina's gaze softens as well, and she offers a wistful smile.
"Let me go."
"I can't." I whisper hoarsely. "I don't wanna forget." The pain, the anger. What it feels like to lose someone you care about. The motivation that loss can bring.
"You gotta start recognizing that you rely on more than fear and guilt to get better."
"I already know that." I bite back.
She rolls her eyes, smirking. "You really are an idiot. Fine. Recognize it more. Realize you can let go but not forget. Move on dude. I'm. Gone. So stop using me as an excuse to not take advantage of the 'what ifs' in your life NOW! Cause those are choices that can actually have an effect on the world. YOU can help change the world. So just do it already! You've got a lot of heart and talent to give. Stop hoarding it for a ghost."
Kuina steps forward again, and this time I don't even flinch I'm so used to the illusion. It's not till after the raven haired girl lifts a fist to punch where my heart is, as if trying to drive her final words home, that I realize she's saying goodbye.
I want to scowl, tell this ghost that I don't just accept or understand all her philosophical feely instructions, not tonight. Not while I'm in the middle of pushing someone away exactly like she accused me of doing and generally trying to get us both off this island alive. In the end though, I can't keep the frown. Instead, as Kuina steps away and then keeps walking backwards, I offer a small tight smile. Large brown eyes twinkle back with childish mischief and scoffing amusement, like she knows I'm gonna try to bury and ignore everything she just said. Shaking her head, Kuina still returns a grin, the smile light and free as she laughs.
"So long Zoro." Kuina gives a final nod before turning her back towards me and walking away, a flickering Wado Ichimonji bouncing at her side. "Good luck finding the boat."
and then she's gone.
I blink, staring at the now normal jungle, ultraviolet edges and flashing hues gone, alone. A symphony of chirping crickets and humming cicadas slowly ease and pull me back to reality.
"let me go."
I swallow, the hallucinated ghost's words still fresh, the realization that she was here and gone again raising an old ache.
Suddenly, leaves rustle a few feet in front of me, making me start and step back before I look down to see a large beetle walking towards me. The action strikes memory, and previous awareness floods back.
I turn around, eyes falling on Tashigi, immediately drawn to her face before I squeeze them shut again. We gotta get off this damn island.
I swallow, shaking my head a bit before looking around the little clearing where I stand. Where she stood, for bare minutes and not even real. Suddenly I don't want to leave. But.. My fingers brush against Wado Ichimonji, and I close my eyes with a sigh, heart constricting at pounding truths.
Even if she was here.. It's just a place. And I have more important places to be and other people to think about. I can deal with her later and on my own time.
I don't have to let go. Not here. Not now.
With that, I tighten my grasp on Wado and walk forward, eyes open and clear as I lean down to pick up Tashigi. Beyond the bamboo patch, the Sunny waits.