~ It's not right, but it's (not) okay ~

Pov Beca

Breathe. In and out. It's not difficult. I just need to focus on my breath and everything will be fine, right? God, I feel like dying. And if everything goes wrong? If no one shows up? If I can't speak, let alone sing? What should I do? For God's sake, I'm only a few hours away from the concert and I don't feel ready at all. I'm going to suck, it's going to be so pitiful that my boss will fire me on the spot, the tour will be cancelled and I'll end up working in some fast food restaurant, dragging the stench of fried food behind me for all eternity.

Oh God!

I whisper, bringing my hands to my forehead so that I can slowly rub my head in, in some attempt to calm down. I'm already at The Forum, in my dressing room, waiting for the team to come and dress me, which I sincerely did not consider necessary. But never go up against Blake. She had already organized everything for months and although I opposed it with all my energy, she did not want to hear any reason. Especially since the concert will be streamed live to multiple television channels. In a nutshell, they did things in a huge way, so as not to increase the weight of the expectations that everyone has for this event. And that I have. Nobody tells you how to handle these situations. All this anxiety. No one had warned me that I would feel that way. I feel as if at any moment I can throw electric shocks even if I just move my finger. Of course, there are psychologists, therapists, breathing exercises, and all those things that are supposed to help you stop the massive stone that is slipping down to end up straight on your chest, but unfortunately, sometimes it's not enough. And you find yourself in your dressing room staring at the mirror, with all these lights on the sides that God only knows what they're for, dwelling on everything that's happened and how I ended up in this chair. It all seems so crazy to me.

I haven't been able to sit still for three days. If I am standing, I walk back and forth to make a hole in the floor, if I am sitting my legs move as if they had their own life, I can't say that I slept because, who do I want to kid? If I have 3 hours of sleep in 3 days is too much. I am a concentration of anxiety and caffeine, and you know, do not get along very well together. Amy also moved in to watch me, she was a tracker. I can say that I only managed to eat thanks to her, otherwise at the moment I would have my stomach full only of air. I really don't even know how to thank her. I'm cranky, not that I'm not usually so, but in these situations I'm 100 times worse. I've certainly sent more people to hell in these last hours than I can in a year. It can also be said that I don't talk but growl. I don't even know how they can stand me. The guys, then, are the ones who are suffering the worst of the worst. I can't even count how many insults I threw at Tom and Duck, and my glances at Alex and Sam. I just call them dicks who don't even know what the rhythm is, but they're actually terrific. They are very good and above all, they have an endless patience. And I'm putting it to the test. At least I have to give a holiday to each of them after the end of the tour. If they manage to survive a wild Beca in conditions of hysterism and irritability.

It just seems so unreal to me. I haven't realized yet that it's happening to me. A girl from Oregon, Astoria. I think this is one of those important events to celebrate in the family, those of which a parent feels his chest swollen with pride. And the only figure closest to a parent I had was Sabrina. Surely if she had been here she would have called me Kid once again, giving me the nerves, she would have told me not to become a big-headed person and that she would have burned down anyone who dared to boo a song of mine during the concert. Just like someone who really cares about you would. I wish she could see all this. She would be proud, I think. These are the moments when I really wish she hadn't gotten involved in that bad stuff, that she hadn't been buried under a foot and a half of land in New York and that she hadn't been in touch with me after she'd left. I'd like someone to say "my girl did it, she did it. I'm so proud of her", in the same way that you would boast of a freshly graduated son. I don't know what it's like, but I get the impression it's a good feeling. I know for a fact that I'm lucky to have someone by my side anyway, that I'm not alone, on the contrary. The Bellas and the others are my family, the only one that can be called such. But I always feel that there is something missing. Or maybe it's just the moment and I'm getting very influenced by the anxiety and the spasmodic need to have someone to reassure me. Come on Beca. It's always been you and yourself.

Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe for once I'd like someone, for real. And it's terrible how her figure is always in the background, like a screens ever that every two minutes blocks the PC. This can only make the situation worse. Especially because I'm 99% sure I don't have a chance with her anymore. Nothing. Zero. She can never be that someone for me, although everyone keeps telling me to 's like screaming in the void, in the silence, I just hear my voice and no one answers. And it sucks. But I still can't understand which neuron I miss in order to hope for that 1% chance that something will come back. Or rather, that something can be born, again. I hope tonight will be worth something. I don't even know if she's coming to the concert, or if she'll see it from the comfort of her own home with her beloved future husband. I get sick and tired just thinking about it. I need a drink. Somehow I have to shake off this fucking feeling of not being enough, for nothing and for no one. It's not helping right now.

I get up from the chair to go to the minibar near the sofa I have in the dressing room, I hope there is something strong. Coca cola, fruit juice, sparkling water, Schweppes-

What the hell?!

I close the minibar violently, swinging the lamp on it for a few seconds. Is it possible that no one has ever had the idea of putting a fucking bottle of alcohol in the singers' refrigerators before an exhibition? It doesn't take a genius to understand that it needs a little loss of inhibitions before such big events take place. Damn it. I put both hands on my face and slowly slide them into a vain attempt to calm the nerves. When the fuck are the glam squad coming? Time passes and I can't see anyone here yet.

I don't even have the time to get my cell phone back from my desk to call Blake and I immediately notice the door open wide and reveal her figure dressed up followed by Fat Amy and Ester, who look like they're breaking into my dressing room.

Okay Becs, I got whiskey, rum, scotch, vodka-

Oh thank God! Jesus!

I storm onto my manager, pulling rum and vodka out of her hands and opening them right away so I can drink them all in one breath. They can be compared to shots for the size of the bottle, but better than nothing.

Wow Mitchell, you okay?

Okay it's far from to what I am now.

I answer in a low tone of voice, but quite clear, firm. It's the only thing sure about this historical moment of my life. What did the song say? It's not right, but it's okay. Let's say it almost became a mantra. Nothing's okay, but it's okay. Or at least it was fine until my brain decided to leave me on the most important day of my career. Now I'd make a little variation on Whitney's song, it's not right and it's not okay.

You're gonna be great tonight, Beca. Don't worry. We tried until we were exhausted, you're ready.

Ester tries to reassure me, and maybe her words have some effect, but not as I would like. I wish I could really believe that, but now it's almost impossible for me. Am I ready? Maybe vocally yes, I know everything by heart, the lyrics, the melodies, I know where to move, what to do, but mentally I am not at all. And I just want someone to get it.

Yeah..right. I hope so.

I nod slightly and then sit down and sink into the couch, crossing my legs and bringing a hand to my forehead to be able to lean on. I never wanted to react in this way to such a crazy coolness that is happening to me, but I should have imagined it. Every time something extraordinary happens there must always be a black dot to make it a little less special and a little more Beca-ish.

Can you give us a moment, please?

I lift my eyes from my legs for a moment to notice how Amy is elegantly chasing Blake and Ester out of my dressing room. I don't understand what she wants right now, but I don't even pay that much attention. I just have to try to concentrate and wait for these glam-fucking squads that don't come. I swear, I could kick their asses if they make me late. I feel the door close and I notice how Amy's feet and legs entered my field of vision as my eyes returned to its initial position, glued to the floor.

What?

I raise my head and see the Australian with her arms folded and an expression that I can't really decipher at the moment. She seems almost angry or annoyed about something. But can I worry about her now too? That's totally uncalled.

Quiet. She doesn't talk. What's the matter with her?

Amy, seriously. Will you speak up or just stare at me in this freaking way?

We look into each other's eyes for a minute, with the muffled noise of the crew guys fixing the last things for the concert. And I'm still locked up in my dressing room. I should be out there with the others, and help them. Probably doing something would lessen my anxiety. But for now I have to figure out what Amy wants from me. Her selective mutism is getting on my nerves.

Listen, I ain't got all day. What's wrong with you?

Nothing. No answer. She stayed in the same position, she didn't even blink. Now I'm getting the doubt that she's having a stroke. Damn it. I get off the couch and stand in front of her to get some feedback, but she just stares at me. It's getting creepy. And also awkward.

Amy. Please talk or I swear I will kick you out of this fucking room even though you may be having a stroke right now.

I open my eyes wide, waiting for a nod, a movement, I pop my fingers in front of her face to get her back, but she remains in the same position. I can understand that she is still here and has not been zoned out since she follows me with her eyes. It's annoying.

Okay fine. Go away.

Nope.

What? Now you talk?

I'm baffled. What the hell is going on in her mind? I've never seen her like this before, I don't even know how to call it. Aggressive passive? And for what then?

Yes.

Go out.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes- Holy God Amy, what the fuck you want from me? I'm on the edge of breaking down and you keep going on this awkward and... And stupid and no sense thing. Please go out.

I answer her by raising my voice while holding my grip firmly on the door handle, and then whispering the last words tired of this waste of time. I can't take it anymore. I just want tonight to start and go as fast as possible. And it seems that Amy is doing everything she can to make it even more unbearable.

I'm here because I know that you're focusing on the negative part of this event, on the many "if" that are pestering you, and if standing here in silence making you nervous for a while has distracted you, it means that I'm good for something.

Now I'm the one who's silent. I must admit, her ways are quite alternative, but effective. Actually I've forgotten about the concert, the anxiety and the performance that I'll have to face in a few minutes, at least for a little bit. She's a pain in the ass, but at this point I can't help but thank her for being one.

Amy.. You are insane, and I was almost to punch you in the face for your attitude but... Thank you for being here.

At your service, Shawshank!

She mimics a curtsey and I can't help but laugh, which I thought was impossible to do now. But Amy has that effect. Everyone should have a pocket-sized Amy for every occasion.

Beca...

Yeah?

I sat in the swivel chair in front of the mirror. I look like a ping pong ball, I change places every 2 minutes. Until the end I'll get out of here without even being prepared. I don't know how long I'll last.

Don't let the if's and but's influence you right now. You're Beca fucking Mitchell, you're at the Forum of LA, you're a star. And everyone can't wait to see you shine.

Please Amy... So cliché.

Oh come on! Don't be a buzzkill. People are here for you! They want to see you, and you have two options: either continue to bask and think you're not good enough, or believe that something good you did to make it sold out already on the first date!

I stare at her for a moment through the mirror. Maybe she's right? I mean, most of the marketing and advertising was done by Blake, but it's a concert, and if you don't like the singer or the genre you don't buy tickets, right?

You may not be worth anything to you, but you are to them. For us you are worth. So it's better if you put your shit together quickly, otherwise you'll have to deal with me. And you know I'm a champion in free wrestling with alligators. Don't challenge me.

Rude!

I smile genuinely while she throws me a wink and turns to go away but in the meantime we see the door open wide and finally reveal makeup artists and hair stylists who seem almost more hysterical than me. Probably Blake threatened them with a slow and cruel death if they don't hurry to prepare me, the concert starts in 1 hour. Damn it.

Okay folks, let's do this!

Pov Chloe

Gary, how many other patients do we have?

I turn to my assistant impatiently, all day long I've been locked up in the clinic and I can't wait to get home. Not that the situation there is the best, but at least there is my bed, faithful friend.

Chloe, there are still 4. Today they seem never to end.

Four? How is that possible? My God, we're going to die here tonight.

I answer with a low voice bringing my hands to my face. It's 7:30 pm and I've been working for almost 12 hours straight. I should have finished two hours ago, but it seems that only now have they all remembered to have their pets checked. Sometimes I would gladly strangle the owners, those who demand everything and immediately especially. Holy God. I'll have more for at least an hour.

Shall I let the next in, Doc?

Yes, please. Let's move, before I fall asleep on my desk.

An hour and a half later

Thank you doctor Beale! You're the best here. I'm glad that you had joined this clinic.

You're very kind Mrs Jones, thank you! See you in month.

I see Gary guiding Mrs Jones and her cat out of my study and I can finally say that I finished my work for today. I automatically drop my body into the swivel chair behind my desk, I don't think I feel my feet anymore. My God. My eyes close by themselves, I don't even know how I'm going to get home driving. I bring my right hand to the level of my nose so that I can hold it as tightly as possible in the space between my two eyes to slightly relieve my headaches. It has been hammering my brain for hours. I'm exhausted. And I don't know how I'm going to get up from my chair now that I'm sitting down. I'll stay here until the next shift.

Okay, Doc, there's no one left. I'll stay here and close and settle the material but you can go. I'll finish here.

Have you ever been told you're the best assistant anyone could ever want?

I open one eye while holding my hand on my face, and seeing how Gary is already working to tidy up the studio before he goes.

No, but thank you. I really appreciate it.

He smiles at me kindly before taking back what he had left and continuing to put all the medical records in order. I should really go, but it seems that instead of my legs I have concrete weights and instead of my eyelids, the shutters are already almost completely lowered. What a situation.

You know, you should really go before you fall asleep. If you don't feel like driving, I can give you a ride.

Really?

I ask him with a hopeful voice almost as if for a second the torpor that was inexorably enveloping me had stopped on its way.

Yeah, what's the prob-

Wait, you're not trying to hit on me, are you?

I interrupt him throwing a suspicious glance at him, as much as my strength allows me to. I need an I.V. of coffee. Jesus Christ.

Chloe, you're a wonderful woman and I swear I would have hit on you right from the start if it wasn't for the fact that I'm gay. Supergay. I dare say.

What? Really?

I thought you understood that. Seriously?

We look at each other for an infinite second with both brows frowning and not understanding what's going on, until I relax and slip a smile because I should have imagined it. I notice how he looks at the back of the guys who bring us lunch or our customers. I'll have to tell him to be more subtle next time.

Okay so, I'll take the offer. Now come on, it's late. We'll finish on Monday.

Yes ma'am.

I take off my white coat and hang it on the rack next to the door while Gary picks up his jacket and backpack on the way to the exit. I follow him immediately afterwards, closing the clinic door behind me. Finally. What an endless day.

So, tell me a little bit about yourself. We've never had a chance to get to know each other more since I arrived.

Well... Not that there's much to tell.

He responds by scratching slightly behind his ear and smiling shyly as we get closer to the car. It's such a good boy.

Oh come on, anything. Do you have a boyfriend?

Wow straight to the point.

He laughs while I try to find the right words to avoid making the figure of the nosy girl. What an idiot.

Oh no no, it's just the first thing that came up to my-

It's okay Doc, really. And no, I don't have a boyfriend, I had one, but it didn't go well.

We both get in the car and head home not before telling him my address.

How come?

That's a good question. There have been many misunderstandings, mistakes... But with hindsight, I just think that the reason is that we didn't believe in us as a couple enough.

There is a dead silence in the car, interrupted only by the voice of the navigator. As he speaks about the relationship, he doesn't seem to have totally managed to overcome it, and I don't want to say something that could make feel him worse. Even if now the situation seems more embarrassing than anything else.

I'm sorry.

Don't be. Obviously that was the way it was supposed to be. Anyway, it's my turn to ask the question now.

Oh that's the game then?

You started boss.

We both smile because after all we've been so focused on our roles and our work that we can't establish a healthy friendship. And I'd say we have a little bit to catch up on.

So?

I see you're no longer wearing the ring on your left hand, I assume it was an engagement ring. Is everything all right?

Oh... Yeah, I... It's complicated.

I understand if you don't want to talk about it, don't feel obliged.

He moves his eyes towards me for a moment so that he can look at me for a moment, and then concentrate again on the road. There are still 15 minutes to go before I get home, I don't know how long I will be able to hold on to the silence.

No... It's not all right. I... I left my future husband, well former future husband, for a love that never went away. And I don't know if there will be a happy ending to all this or not. I don't know anything.

Well... This guy must be really important for you to change your mind 2 weeks before the wedding.

Ehm.. he is a she. And yes, she has the power to get my brain upside down more than anyone else.

Oh well, that's interesting.

I notice how his lips have curled up hearing it's a woman. Well, what a weird couple. A gay and a bisexual. We could definitely be part of Glee.

So what's her name? Tell me about her.

Well, it's actually already well known lately. It's Beca, Beca Mitch-

Mitchell? What? Are you kidding me?

He brakes quickly but luckily we don't have anyone behind us, and above all we would have had to stop because of the traffic light. Is it so strange that I know her and that I'm randomly in love with her? Has your fame already reached the point of making her unreachable?

No... It's the truth.

Oh my God, and why the hell aren't you at her concert now declaring your feelings? Are you crazy? This is your chance!

OH MY FUCK- The gig! Shit!

Okay, calm down-

I almost scream for just remembering that today is the first date of Beca's concert. How the fuck did I forget that? For God's sake! Damn job and damn head that never remembers anything important. Holy shit. I hear Gary keep talking about something but at the moment I'm not listening to him at all. I pick up the phone from my bag that I haven't seen for exactly more than 10 hours and I guess I've never received so many messages on whatsapp. The Bellas' chat almost seems to explode. Not to mention Amy, Aubrey and Chicago?! What the hell!

Chicago 7.45 pm

Chloe, you should come home. It's urgent.

What else happened now? What can be so emergency? I should be somewhere else in LA now! Damn it! I have to take a shower, I have to change my clothes, I can't show up like this. It almost seems that all the tiredness and sleep I just had is gone. Thanks adrenaline. Without you we would be lost.

Gary, please push the damn gas and go as fast as you can! Oh God...

Yes ma'am!

I'm swearing by running a hand through my hair, can I be more careless than that? How can I forget Beca's first date? You start on the right foot, Chloe, great. You really know how to show people that you really care. I didn't even send her a fucking message. Nothing. I'm such an idiot. Better yet, a big asshole. I should call myself Chloe Asshole Beale. There would be nothing more truthful.

Chloe?

Yeah?

Believe it. Don't make the same mistake I did.

I'll stop for a few moments to observe him. If he only knew what happened, he would probably kick me at this precise moment and send me directly to The Forum in a blink of an eye. But he's not wrong. The first time I didn't believe it enough. I don't want to make the same mistake again.

I won't. I promise.

And don't forget to get an autograph for your personal assistant, I might never speak to you again.

No please! If all goes well, I'll introduce you to her in person!

I laugh at his statement because I had no idea he was a fan of hers. And now he looks happier than a child at Christmas, because probably one of his dreams could come true!

After about 5 minutes we finally get to my home street and Gary stops right in front of the driveway to get me off. Without him I don't know what I would have done. I'd probably be in a parking lot right now and take a nap. How sad.

Thank you Gary. Thank you!

No problem, go and get your girl Doc! See you!

I get out of the car quickly to head quickly to my front door. I have no idea what to expect and honestly I have a bit of anxiety, Chicago wasn't very specific and the fact that I have to run in order to be ready in time and go somewhere else in LA, fuck. The car. It's at the studio. Shit, shit, shit.

I'm home! CK, sorry I didn't answer, I was working, I have to hurry-

Surprise!

I petrify as soon as I arrive at the end of the entrance corridor to be able to pass in the living room, and what I see is something I did not want to see right now. Fuck. How much am I swearing in the last 5 minutes?

Mom! Dad! What are you doing here?

Hi sweetheart, how are you? Come here honey let me hug you.

I let my mother hug me and say hi to my father as I throw glances at Chicago that looks more terrified than me right now. How to blame him? He saw himself invaded by my parents the day after I left him. Damn, what bad have I done?

Darling, are you eating? You're too skinny, don't you think Richard?

It's true Anne, honey you okay?

Yes, it's okay. Uh... Excuse us a moment?

I take CK by the arm and take him away from my parents who keep arguing that I don't eat enough, that LA is too chaotic and the usual things that a parent always complains about when a child is away from them.

When the hell did they get here?

I scream in a low voice as I approach CK so that he can hear me. I have a nervous feeling that goes as far as the tip of my toes.

When I sent you the message Chloe. I saw them behind the door.

He responds with the same tone of my voice, alternating smiles to my parents who are inevitably looking at us as if nothing were wrong.

Listen I have a problem. I have to get out of here. I... I have to go somewhere and I'm already late.

And what should I do with yours? And especially when we tell them that we, well... You know!

Oh FOR GOD'S SAKE!

I answer out loud and I don't realize it, drawing my parents' attention to us. Great Chloe, keep it up and you'll never get out of here again for tonight.

Chloe, we didn't teach you that!

Honey, are you sure you're all right?

Yes, yes, everything's okay! Perfectly.

I leave CK so I can head to the kitchen and fill a glass of water in an attempt to calm my nerves and figure out what to do. And above all understand what the hell my parents are doing here.

Mom, why... Um... Why are you here?

Chloe because we wanted to see you and spend time with you. Plus in 2 weeks there's the wedding and we can't wait for it to come.

Yeah... Right.

I answer in a low voice while I continue to drink some water. Only now do I realize that the table is already set and the roast beef and potato dishes have already been filled. Definitely the work of my mother.

You must be hungry, dearie. Let's eat now. Later you update us on all the wedding plans.

Mom, I really have to do a thing-

Ha-ha. First you eat, then you do the rest. With a full stomach you can think and do everything better. Come on. Ck come here, don't just stand there.

All my life I've tried to contradict my mother on the question 'first the food, then everything else' but it's a lost case. She doesn't want to feel any sense of reason, which is why most of the time she drags me to the table, just like now.

Ma, I'm an adult, I can walk alone. I don't need to be dragged.

You're an adult but you can't take care of yourself. Now eat. Everything.

My mother? A lovely person. When she doesn't threaten you.

Honey, look on TV, isn't that the girl that came with you to Barden? What's her name? Becky, Berta...?

Beca, Richard. It's Beca.

I don't think I'm able to hear anyone anymore. My eyes are glued to the TV. They're glued to her. She's there, in front of me. Only now do I realize how much I've missed her. How much I miss her. Goodness, how could I have been so dumb?

(from TV)

Hi guys! How are you doing?

I keep hearing her voice coming from the TV speaker and I can't concentrate on anything else anymore. She s beautiful. I wish I could tell her now, right now. I can't imagine how she feels.

Oh my...