A/N: Welcome to my longest drabble to date. Drew inspiration from one of my favorite Lawlu FFs. This was a WIP for a while, and then I added a phone call, and shit spiraled from there. Hats off to you if you recognize a particularly popular line from twitter. Hint: Something to do with ratioing.

Tags: Homophobic Vibes, Language, My Dry Ass Humor, Sex Toys, Overstimulation, Restraints, It's Not What You Think, AU Where Law's Involved In Shady Shit

Law's Present

Law enters his apartment and locks the door behind him with a soft click. He removes his hat and shoes, shrugs off his coat, then hands them off to the maids whose names he never gave a fuck to learn. He moves into his wide kitchen, stopping at the island with a sigh. There's just enough natural sun from the skylight windows to maneuver without crashing into anything, so he doesn't bother flickering on the switch. He opens his fridge and brings out a chilled Heineken. Law holds the top against the counter and slams his hand on the cap. It comes off with a soft pop and he brings the bottle to his lips, taking a couple large gulps.

Mind a little clearer, he sets down the bottle and moves to his master bedroom- decked out head to toe in upholstered Palisade- and is greeted by a soft whirring noise. He enters his closet and strips out of his outer jacket, watches, and jewelry, humming to himself as he places them where they belong. A strained sound comes from his bed, but he pays it no mind.

He exits the closet, tie and vest still on, and shuts the door to his room. Law ignores the more insistent groan from his bed, and instead pulls up his phone. He thumbs in a number and brings the device to his ear. His other hand taps a skittish rhythm on his hip as the rings drone. On the fourth ring, the line finally connects.

"What-"

"Took you long enough, Eustass," Law snaps. "Are you bullshitting me right now?"

There's a long pause on the other end. "The fuck you talking about?" The words are hardened by bewilderment, and it does nothing but piss Law off further.

"When I said 'surprise me', I didn't mean this. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Ya gonna have to elaborate for me on this one, chief," Kid sneers into the phone.

Law pulls the phone away and glares into it. "I don't like repeating myself," he says quietly, pushing the receiver back to his ear. "Where. The fuck. Is the bitch?"

"...There's not a woman in your bed?"

"No the hell there isn't," Law curses, turning to the small man with evident disgust. "There's a fucking dude in my shit."

That gives Kid pause. "What the fuck?"

"That's my line! How in the fuck did you manage to mess this up, man?" Law's pacing now, anger growing by the minute. "I had a long ass day at work, and expected a pretty present when I came home, one with curves and tits and-"

Law pauses and glares daggers into the naked expanse of skin on his bed. "Would you shut the hell up?" he seethes. The smaller man crumples slightly under the harsh tone, but obediently quiets.

He pinches the bridge of his nose, part headache, part realization dawning. "Eustass."

"What?" There's the sound of moving air and paper on the other end. It simmers down when he's addressed.

The tattooed man pinches harder. "Who's your lead today?"

"What does that have anything to do with-"

"Answer the damn question, Kid."

The sounds stop altogether behind the slam of a door. "Better calm your shit 'fore I rock it, Trafalgar," Kid growls into the receiver.

Law can't help the smallest of smiles to curve his lips. "Don't threaten me with a good time."

Kid tsks disapprovingly into the phone. "Keep it in your pants. Lead's Don Qui. The creepy one with glasses."

"God damn it, of course it's him," Law sighs, running a hand through his hair. "That fucker."

"What, y'all have somethin' goin' on, too?"

"No, what the fuck." Law's disgust curls his lips into a deep scowl. He chances a glance at the man on his bed. A pool of sticky white stains the sheets under him and dots the insides of his thighs. It dribbles down the side of his bed and even marks some of his marble. His disgust multiplies threefold. "He knows..."

"Spit it out, man!"

"Fuck off! He just knows I'm..." Law lowers his gaze to the floor. "That I'm..."

"Bi? So what?" The indifference in Kid's voice makes Law want to throw something. "I know you're bi."

"I'm not bi. And you don't fucking count, Eustass."

"But that blonde rat does?"

Law takes a deep breath. This was getting him nowhere. "That rat could spread rumors. Rumors that would make me look bad."

He could practically hear the raised eyebrow on the other end. "Like being bi?" he deadpans.

If Eustass was here, Law would've rang his neck. "You wouldn't understand."

"Whatever you say," he relents. "I'm just a cog in the machine. What do you expect me to do about it?"

"Fly out another?" Law spits it like its elementary. "Are you this daft that I have to spell it out for you? Do you have a humiliation kink?"

"Imma hang up on your ass if you don't stop yelling bullshit into my ear."

"I can't help that I'm fucking upset!" Law's voice lowers several semitones, but still holds the same intensity. "I just want a good fuck!"

"Then get your horny ass a good fuck then!" Kid roars over the phone. "Pussy or ass, they're all the same!"

"What the fuck, Eustass?"

Kid chuckles. "You literally come on to me every damn day, Trafalgar. Don't give me that bull. You're about as straight as a limp dick."

"That's..." Law chokes on his words until he can't find them anymore. "That's different."

Kid huffs over the phone. "'Different'? You wanna see how 'different' I am?"

When Law doesn't answer, strangely hopeful, Kid coughs. "...Don't answer that."

The naked man on his bed lets out another strangled moan, muffled by the thick sheets, and struggles against the restrained wrists on his back. Law groans in annoyance. "Good god, could you at least turn off his vibrators? If he makes another peep I might just lose it."

"I ain't got the remotes, only Don Qui does." Kid's absolutely loving this torture, Law can fucking feel it. "If you wanna shut him up, go ahead and do it yourself."

"I'm not touching him." His eyebrows crawl to the ceiling.

"Just pretend he's me," Kid snickers.

Law falters, watching the guy out of the corner of his eyes. They wrapped him in a gorgeous red ribbon, just like his other 'presents'. He's small, much shorter than himself. Messy black hair, thin limbs, nice ass if anything. Nothing like Kid. "He's nothing like you."

There's a rough knock on the other end of the line, and Kid curses under his breath. "Then put that imagination to work. I've gotta go."

"Eustass I swear to hell-"

The line cuts off before he could finish his sentence, and Law stares at his phone in disbelief. "This motherfucker..." he says, stunned.

Law pulls his attention from the device to the writhing man on his bed and tries not to grimace. He moves towards the edge of the soft blankets and clears his throat pointedly. The man jerks, then gradually turns his head towards him from where it rested against the mattress.

An eerily familiar emotion flutters at the pit of his stomach. "What the fuck?" he says aloud.

The guy was cute.

Like...really fucking cute.

Law blinks down at him. He had wide eyes, dark pupils nearly overtaking the deep brown. Residual tears stuck to full lashes, and when he blinked, they ran down his face in the path that past tears already carved for them. A small cut scarred the underside of his left eye, and the lightest of freckles dusted his cheeks under a fiery flush. His lips were beautifully full, slightly swollen, and red from biting or screaming. So damn red.

The tattooed man felt a violent shiver work its way down his spine.

"What's your name?" Law asks. His voice is huskier than it should be.

The guy does nothing but pant for a few seconds, and the sight of him struggling to maintain eye contact with him shouldn't be this much of a turn on. "L- Lu...f-." He ends in a long, drawn out groan that he silences by turning into the sheets and clenching his fists. Law notices the bloody half crescent moons on his palms and furrows his brows.

"Again."

"Luffy, s-sir."

Law purses his lips and moves to the foot of his bed. "Okay, let's get this out of you, Luffy," he murmurs. He undoes the bright red bow on his lower back and throws it to the side. It revealed a large bejeweled handle protruding out of his ass, humming away at a steady pace. Law steels himself and reaches out with tentative fingers. "This'll probably hurt like a bitch, but bear with it. Grit your teeth and relax."

Luffy releases his tension on command, and Law looks up at the back of his head with surprise. How was he able to do that so quickly despite being this far gone? His absurd amount of bodily control shouldn't be this hot.

He curls one hand around the spherical handle of the vibrator, plants the other firm palm on a globe of his ass, and pulls. Luffy squirms ever so slightly, and the older man curls steadying nails into the flesh. "Hold on, just hold on." The younger whimpers as the fattest part widens his entrance, and Law hushes his pained whines. He's gentle, more gentle than he's ever been with any of his other presents. He's not sure why.

When the whole thing is out, left to vibrate to their side, Luffy finally buckles under the lack of pressure. He collapses on the bed, soft moans spilling from his lips as he gets used to the feeling of emptiness.

Law sighs and makes a move to shift off the mattress, but Luffy turns to him. "Sir," he whispers brokenly. The sound goes straight to his cock.

"God damn it, what?" Law snaps, heaving his mind up from the gutter.

The younger turns on his back with effort, giving Law the full frontal view that he didn't ask for. Not that it was bad. He just didn't want to...oh, whatever.

The movement reveals a small dick ring, black, circled around his base. His weeping cock looked so hard from its vibrations it nearly seemed uncomfortable. But then his attention is drawn to the obscene amount of come on his bed, and he makes an audible sound of disgust. Law doesn't even want to imagine how long he's been here to have come this many times.

And still be hard.

Luffy's a fucking madman.

Maybe that's why Don Qui sent the kid, knowing shit like that got Law off.

Well, fuck him.

Law couldn't help but stare at the scene with a sense of disbelief as he rounds the bed once more and embarks from the side. He takes care to avoid the come soaked sheets as he inches closer to Luffy. "Hold still," he orders, like the man had the energy to do much moving. The younger stops anyway, and within a second, he's as still as a corpse. Law just stares. What the fuck.

"I can't believe I'm touching another dude's cock," he mutters, gripping the length roughly. Luffy gasps from under him, but bites his lip to keep more sound from coming out. Law ignores the twitch of his own awakening arousal and quickly slips the vibrating silicone off. It finds company alongside the plug on the bed, still whirring.

"Oh, right." Law flips him over and undoes the red ribbon tied around his wrists. When he pulls away the sleek fabric, it reveals deep, surely painful indentations. They're a nasty kind of purple, and the sight ticks him off more than it should.

"There, finished," Law says, tossing the red away.

With his distractions gone, Luffy melts into his bed, completely and utterly exhausted. Law isn't sure what to make of him. What to do with him.

He's a dude.

"Luffy," he begins. "How long have you been here?"

The man's brows pull together, and he worries on his bottom lip. He does that a lot. Law watches the action raptly. "Ah," Luffy pants, swallowing. "I...don't really know-"

"Guess," Law cuts off with a dismissive wave of the hand.

"Maybe..." Luffy exhales heavily. "An hour?"

"Jesus," Law mutters. "An hour like this? On your knees, ass up in the air?"

"Yes sir."

He was going to kill that blonde rat for approving this.

"But!" Luffy sits up and clutches the sheets with small fingers. "I'm okay, sir! I can still-"

"Go clean up."

The younger man recoils. Law thinks he looks like a dejected puppy. "...What?"

"Shachi!" Law yells at the door.

The butler pops his head into the room. "Yes sir?"

"Show him the bathroom and get him washed. Bring Penguin in here to clean this bloody mess. And for god's sake, someone either figure out how to those vibrators off, or burn them."

Shachi bows at the waist. "Of course."

Luffy looks between the two of them, confused. "But I was told-"

"Fuck what you were told." Law gets up from the bed as Shachi calls for Penguin and the duo gets to work. "You're in my house now. My word is law."

"Oh..." Luffy doesn't sound as grateful as he should be. The red head walks towards him and wraps a hand around his waist to help him off the bed.

"Does there seem to be an issue?" Law narrows his eyes to the thin man being dragged away by Shachi.

"No, none at all," Penguin quickly intercepts. "Shachi, go on!"

The butler nods and pulls Luffy by the arm out of the room. The man stumbles after him on wobbly legs.

Penguin places his hands on his hips once their footfalls fade into the distance. "Sir? Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

"You never..." Penguin searches the soiled bed for his words. "You never not...this is the first time..."

"Just forget about it," Law scowls. "I don't have any reasoning. I'll think about whatever it all means later."

"But your body doesn't want to wait for later," the butler says softly.

Law looks down.

He's hard.

"God damn it!" He rages, slamming a fist on the wall.

Penguin places a hand on his shoulder. "Sir-"

"I'm not-" Law turns wild eyes at his butler, who winces backwards. "I'm not. One or two guys doesn't make me..."

Penguin watches him steadily. "I'll...be taking my leave, sir."

Law didn't even notice when he had packed up the bundles of sheets. They fill his arms and nearly block his face. "Penguin."

The man stops in the doorframe and turns to his master. "Yes?"

"I'm not bi."

His butler eyes him with an unreadable emotion, and doesn't say a word. He slips out the door and closes it softly behind him, leaving Law to his thoughts.