2016

She finds the coffee shop easily, the directions had been simple enough. Annabelle parks her rental car and moves to go inside. She sees Laura sitting near the window at a table, seemingly lost in thought while stirring her tea. It's not far from the nursing home, but provides a bit of removal. Plus, this way they are not monopolizing Dr. Scott's office.

"Hello." Laura greets her pleasantly. "You found it. Have a seat."

"Hello." Annabelle echoes, and lays a small folder down on the table. "It's a prenuptial agreement. In lieu of a new will. It should be the work around we need." She sits, but doesn't want to get comfortable. She has to get back to work. This is enough, hopefully, to please her mother. Assuming Delphine actually remembers signing it.

"Thank you." Laura looks it over. "It looks standard enough. Mom gets nothing when Delphine dies or if the marriage dissolves."

"Maman signed it this morning." Annabelle offers. "After Cosima signs it, we'll send it back to the lawyers."

"My mom will sign." Laura acknowledges. "She doesn't want money. She just wants Delphine. Thank you for doing this. I ...I don't know how it will go over with your siblings."

"Thank my daughter, Julie." Annabelle says. "She's the one who said all we needed was a prenup." She doesn't want to tell Alain or Nathalie, yet. Surely this could be dealt with afterwards, after her mother is married. Her brother can explode then, when it's too late.

"Sounds like a clever kid." Laura agrees. "And the year was ok?"

"I coached her." Annabelle admits readily. "Maman is grateful."

"Do you think we could move them both? To some kind of assisted living?" Laura asks cautiously. "Or even another nursing home? One with available couples' suites?"

Annabelle hums, she can discuss it with her siblings. She suspects her own husband Michel would back her up. Alain may or may not be willing to listen to him though. Delphine is often more functional than they give her credit for, but not, not always. It's the inconsistency that makes decision making regarding her mother so difficult.

"I'm not sure my mother would be able to cope." Annabelle muses. "No doubt Cosima would help her. We could hire a private nurse to go in twice a day. It's doable if more expensive. We have the money, but Alain and Nathalie would have to agree."

"Cosima wants nothing more than to be alone with Delphine. Preferably behind doors that lock and close." Laura sighs. "I need to make it happen for them before mom asks my youngest son to buy her personal lubricant, again."

Annabelle laughs, taken aback. "I … I never thought it would be so … sexual at their age. Maman seems so frail at times. It's difficult to imagine."

Laura shrugs. "My mom has been alone a long time. Her long term partner died in the 90s. I mean before that there was me, and my grandparents constantly in her space. I think even when they were young together it was difficult. Though my grandparents apparently let Delphine stay over. I don't think they were really aware then. I'm not sure what they knew later on. You didn't talk about those things then."

"My grandparents were not forward thinking either. Not about sexuality. Though they did have ten children. There was love in that house. I don't think there ever was in ours. Love for us children, yes. But that's all." Annabelle muses. This has forced her to reframe so much, even if Maman won't talk about Papa. If only she could convince her maman to write it all down. Maybe then she'd understand who her mother was.

"You know, I was practically raised by my grandparents." Laura volunteers. "Mom and I lived with them my whole childhood."

"You did?" Annabelle answers this stranger, Cosima's daughter. How much did she know that Annabelle did not? Cosima certainly seemed less inhibited than Delphine, especially with regards to their past.

"When mom left my dad, she tried to go home. And they took her back in. Albeit grudgingly." Laura offers. "I don't think she would have been able to leave him otherwise. Plus even if it required three years apart, my mom could get a divorce. It was hard but she could do it. I can't imagine how she did it in those days. She's very strong. A force of nature, as Stephen calls her." Laura laughs at this.

"My mother was trapped." Annabelle acknowledges. "I'm not surprised if she wanted to leave, as much as I know she wanted us. Now, I wonder. I wonder about the six years between Alain and I, think why so long? Why only three of us? What was happening? There was no birth control."

"I was born nine months after my parents' wedding." Laura volunteers unasked. "I think trapped was just the time. Even my mom married and she, she knew she was a lesbian. I don't think she expected me as a result though." Laura pauses to drink her tea, amazingly calm about all this. Annabelle envies this woman's calm. How she could be so relaxed about this, perhaps, because Laura has not recently had her perception of her family turned upside down.

"It was a different time." Annabelle acknowledges. "Even today, I know very few homosexuals. It's not something we talked about. Ever. Not Maman being unhappy, or refusing to date after my father died. She had offers, she was only in her late 40s! But I always thought she just wasn't very sexual. Too repressed by the church or her upbringing."

"It's more complicated than that. I'm not sure how much Delphine told you but, Cosima will talk your ear off about it." Laura warns. "I don't think Delphine wants to talk about it as much. Nothing past October 1953, anyway. I've tried."

"That's when they married. My parents." Annabelle nods, she tries to remember her father. What he was like when she was young. Tries to remember what her parents were like when they thought she wasn't paying attention but all she can picture is her Maman, playing with her and Nathalie, or reading them books. Papa hovering in the doorway asking for something. Supper or a drink or something else he wanted.

"Stephen can do the wedding next Tuesday morning. Can you get your mom ready?" Laura changes the subject.

"Yes." Annabelle agrees. She can do that much for her mother. It's an act of love, she decides. Even if she must deceive her siblings to allow it. She'll pay that price later. It's clear her mother has struggled enough.

June 1954

"Delphine." Cosima calls softly. She'd escaped John, he'd wanted a lie in on the third day of their honeymoon and had promptly fallen asleep again afterwards. It was easy to escape, at least temporarily. The wedding or the trip had taken enough of his energy too. Wifely duties were definitely far worse sober, Cosima shudders at the thought. And this time she was unlikely to forget. John had been enthusiastic, she had not, but perhaps he thought that was normal for women? She wonders how much time John will permit her to spend inebriated. Surely that was the only possible way to cope. She'd bathed quickly and dressed, Delphine's last letter folded up in her unmentionables. It had been easy enough to find her way here.

A taxi driver drops her off outside what seems to be a street of rather nice older homes.

The house is larger than she expected, clearly Delphine's husband has money. He can provide for her, a small voice in Cosima's head tells her. He can give her a real life. A respectable life. Is that why Delphine had gone along with this?

Her heart is pounding when she knocks on the door. She double checks the address again on the envelope. The pencil has faded slightly, but this is the right house. This is Delphine's return address.

"Delphine? Is she here?" Cosima asks the older woman who answers the door.

"Delphine! I une jeune fille ici. Une anglaise!" The woman shouts into the house. Cosima considers running. Leaving now before it's too late. But instead she steps through the doorway, trying to breathe slowly. To calm herself. To remain in control. The older woman puts on her jacket, she appears to be leaving, paying no mind to Cosima at all. The door closes leaving her alone with her pounding heart. Why is she here? What does she even expect?

Delphine appears, face looking slightly puffy and it mystifies Cosima for only a moment then Delphine has hauled her wordlessly into her arms. Tightly clutching her against her body.

Trapped in Delphine's embrace she feels it. The horrible small roundness between them. A baby. Delphine's husband's baby. But her horror lasts only a moment because then Delphine speaks.

"Cosima… Cosima... " Delphine whimpers into her ear. Clutching her tightly as she sobs.

"Hello Delphine." Cosima cries finally. Somehow there is nothing else to say. Whatever rage she thought she'd felt seems to have finally dimmed. It's been a year, Cosima realizes suddenly, it's been a full year since she's seen Delphine.

"Cosima. You're here." Delphine cries into her ear, kissing her cheek.

Cosima melts unwillingly into Delphine's arms, letting her beloved hold her, needing this so much more than she can say. She doesn't want to break the embrace, in Delphine's arms she still feels so safe, so cared for.

"Cosima… why are you here? How? You never wrote back to me."

"I needed to see you." Cosima answers honestly. "Even just to say goodbye."

"But in Montréal?"

"I… I got married. I'm on my honeymoon." Cosima admits ashamedly.

"No…No… " Delphine seems terrified suddenly. "You didn't. Please tell me you didn't do that to yourself."

"I sent you an invitation." Cosima tries prompting Delphine. Surely she recalls receiving her wedding invitation.

"I never saw it." Delphine assures. "I would have answered. Thomas must have seen it first. He… he probably thought it a suitable punishment. But no letters?"

"No letters. Would you have?" Cosima searches Delphine's face. "Would you have tried to stop me? Would you have come to me?"

"I would have wanted to." Delphine whimpers. "I have always wanted to, Cosima. Please believe me."

"But?"

Delphine doesn't answer, just cups one hand over her belly. Looking down at her, sympathetic and drained. "Are you, are you hurt?"

Cosima follows Delphine's eyes down her body, she knows what she's asking. "Yes. Yes it hurts. It's… it's only been twice." Cosima admits. "I hate it."

"There are… there are ways to ease it." Delphine offers gently. "Ways to hurt less."

"Delphine? Is that what you do?"

Delphine nods. "But, I'm too big now. He finally leaves me alone." She grazes a hand down her belly.

"When?" Cosima wonders aloud. "When did this happen?"

"December. I … I think I know when this happened." Delphine offers sadly, hand hovering over her belly. "He stopped touching me in May."

"I missed you so much." Cosima finds herself admitting. "I...I don't have long. Maybe a couple hours. My husband is asleep. And… well I'll make up some excuse about feeling very ill. I doubt he wants me to vomit on him again."

Delphine takes this in without responding. "Are you hungry? There's leftover tortière from lunch. I can make coffee? Do you want cigarettes? Wine? Spirits?" Delphine rattles off whatever she can think of to offer.

"No. I… I just came to see you and say goodbye." Cosima says finally. That is all she can have after all. A real goodbye. Seeing Delphine one last time. At least she'd gotten to hold her, if only for a few minutes.

"I can help you." Delphine decides after consideration. "I can make this all easier."

"How?" Cosima starts, shocked. "I can't be a wife. I can't be… it's awful. It's repugnant!"

Delphine tears up looking at her. "Is it because of me you married? You always insisted you wouldn't ever. I… I didn't think you would."

Cosima nods. "I wanted you to feel like I did, when Raymond showed me your wedding invitation. I kept asking where you were. That's the only answer I got."

"I'm sorry." Delphine apologizes. "I never wanted this. Any of this." Delphine gestures at the house, and herself.

"I broke a lamp, the day you got married. I threw it into the wall." Cosima admits bluntly. "I was that furious. But looking at you… I don't feel angry anymore."

"What do you feel?"

"Sad. More than sad, Delphine, I'm devastated." Cosima says honestly. But that's not all, that could never be all. She still loves her. Cosima realizes looking over Delphine's beautiful face. So much of Delphine is the same. Makes her feel the same.

"Close your eyes." Delphine instructs. "Don't look at me."

She obeys and is rewarded by Delphine clasping their hands together. Her heart thuds in response.

"Do I feel the same?" Delphine asks quietly.

"Oh, yes." Cosima struggles to keep the emotions from her voice.

"Keep your eyes closed, pretend I...pretend I look like I did." She can feel the heat of Delphine's gaze, looking her over but keeps her eyes closed.

A hot mouth grazes her palm before laying an open mouthed kiss. She lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. Delphine is kissing her hand. Lips glide over her thumb, then sucking it, taking it into her mouth. Her fingers are firmly sucked, Delphine's tongue curling under them. There's no hesitation in Delphine. And Cosima whimpers.

Her eyes open, she cannot resist watching. Delphine's mouth kisses her palm again, before drawing her fingers into her mouth, sucking them gently again. It stirs an old longing in her. Delphine kisses her finger tips, one by one before pressing her lips to her wrist again. Finally Delphine looks up at her, and stops.

"Your eyes are open." Delphine states, dropping her hand guiltily. Cosima wonders if she's ashamed.

"I wanted to look at you. I need to see you." Cosima explains. Surely Delphine must understand that she must see her. Must see that it is Delphine kissing her hands.

"Like this?" Delphine repeats in disbelief, arms moving down. She begins to pull away, but Cosima's heart will not allow it.

Cosima cannot resist, her arms reach out, she kisses Delphine soundly, trying to pour all her love, all her grief into their kiss. She tastes the salt of her lover's tears but kisses it away. Steadying herself, she runs her hands down Delphine's body, grazing swollen breasts and the new roundness of her body. Cosima doesn't expect her own response or the sharp intake of breath from Delphine.

"You're so beautiful Delphine." Cosima leans in for another kiss. Her desires are as deep as the sea. Her love lives deep inside her bones. It still exists. It still wants. It cannot reject Delphine. She lets her hands roam gently, learning Delphine once again.

This is wrong , a small voice in her mind tells her. This is forbidden . Whatever technicalities they may have used to justify their love before no longer exist. This...this would be adultery. But Cosima cannot deny her longing, her want go to bed with Delphine. That is already sin. Cosima knows that much, and also knows she doesn't care. What could any God know of her love? Of how Delphine fits into her arms? Of how much tenderness there was in their lovemaking? How right it was?

She breaks the kiss for only a moment, searching Delphine's eyes, finding only the same love she has always seen, amid the tears. Cosima steadies herself and leans in for another kiss, and another. Delphine whimpers at the touch of her hands and sobs when she undoes the first three buttons.

"Mon amour… mon amour, we cannot." Delphine whispers softly.

"I will. I don't care!" Cosima tells her defiantly. "I can make love to you. I love you."

Delphine catches her hands again, softly kissing her palm. "When I first made love with you, Cosima, I was a virgin. You deflowered me."

"Delphine!" They'd never talked about it like that . Never used those words. They shock her a little. She gapes at Delphine.

"I was yours , Cosima. You had me. No one can ever take that away." Delphine offers softly. "It was so beautiful. I do not want to taint it."

"I don't think it will." Cosima offers, reaching back for the buttons. "I think… I think it will help us. I can love you again. We can have this moment, this time, no matter how brief."

Delphine shakes her head. "Write to me. Write to me and tell me instead. Put your love into words. Tell me over and over again."

"Please." Cosima begs and then she's being kissed, her hair is stroked. She is loved . But when her shaking hands reach for the buttons again Delphine pulls away shaking her head.

"Je t'aime." Delphine tells her softly. "I love you so." She traps one hand against her chest, letting Cosima feel her heart pounding underneath her skin.

"I love you too. Please… let this happen." Cosima begs. "I don't know when I can come back. I don't know if I will ever see you again."

"You have my heart." Delphine tells her instead, pressing her hand down more firmly. "This… this is yours, and no one can ever take that away."

She cries then, refusing to move, to budge from Delphine's grasp.

2016

Annabelle almost regrets allowing her eldest daughter to accompany her until she sees the joy in both of them. They are beautiful together, Delphine and her granddaughter, as they always were. From the time Julie was a tiny infant to now. And Annabelle knows this is her way around signing off on her mother's marriage herself as witness. Julie can do it. And alleviate some of her responsibility when Alain discovers what she has allowed.

Julie's brown curls pulled back haphazardly as she wets, combs and fluffs up her grandmother's hair.

Julie busies herself doing her grandmother's hair. "Tu l'aimes?"

"Oui." Delphine agrees, putting on the dress Annabelle has brought for her.

" Merci Julie. "Annabelle thanks her eldest daughter. "Pack the bag." She adds quietly. Julie nods and moves to get them ready to go.

"I need you to make sure I am buried with Cosima." Delphine tells her daughter suddenly as Annabelle is zipping up her dress.

"Maman?" Annabelle starts, not sure why they must talk about death now when her mother could have years left.

"You can put my name on the gravestone. You can put my date of death there, make it look like I am there, but don't bury me there." Delphine begs. "Please. Don't put me there."

"Maman?"

"I was never really there in life. I certainly don't want to be there in death. I want you to make sure that I am buried with Cosima." Delphine instructs her daughter.

"If that is what you want." Annabelle nods, swallowing. She knows Julie will hold her to this, and she must promise it. It may be worse than allowing the marriage to Alain. Taking his mother's body away. Making her final resting place far from home.

"I'll tell your sister too, but Alain, might face it better in writing afterwards. Like the wedding." Delphine acknowledges.

"OK." Annabelle agrees. If this is her mother's last request she'll do her best to honour it. Nathalie may be surprised but could likely see reason on it. Alain, she suspects he'll find it personally offensive.

"Is it too white? I shouldn't be wearing white." Delphine looks at her dress. It's not white, exactly. It's not a wedding dress, but it works, and the over jacket should keep her warm enough.

"Non." Julie answers softly from next to her closet. "You're still a bride."

"Mais... " Delphine struggles to find words.

"We don't have time maman, we need to go." Annabelle tells them both, grabbing the bag, and ushering then out to the rental car.

She escorts her mother to the church. Wondering if she'll bother watching. Surely, this is about an old fantasy. Let Julie enter certainly, to be her mother's witness. But herself?

"You must come in. You and Julie will be with me." Delphine requests softly.

"Bien sûr, mémère." Julie responds, giving her grandmother a hug. Annabelle nods, not trusting her voice. She hasn't told Alain the wedding will be today. Doesn't want to risk him showing up. Nathalie, she'd texted this morning, not wishing to cause an argument. As much as she loved her sister, a tiny wedding was a necessity. She'll pay the penance later, to Nathalie and her nephews. To her sister-in-law Catherine, and her family. To her own husband Michel who could have taken the day off work. To her younger two children, Ariane and Simon, who may not forgive her, even as Julie sets up a digital camera to record the ceremony. Perhaps to remain on speaking terms with her siblings.

She sees three young men, two with wives or girlfriends and one alone. Cosima's grandsons. They pass a chubby smiling dark haired baby between them. Perhaps she was wrong to exclude her family.

"Maman, is this ok? Do you like this?" Annabelle makes sure. It isn't much of a wedding. She's seen photos of her parents' rather large wedding. Delphine had been in white then too. She wonders now if Delphine had felt then that she shouldn't be wearing it either.

"C'est parfait." Delphine smiles, seeing Cosima, seated, waiting for her at the front of the church. Dressed in what appears to be an embroidered dark red suit and white blouse.

The piano plays and Julie walks with mémère down the aisle. Annabelle is trying to focus on the actions, she retreats to the first row with Julie. Letting her mother be with Cosima.

"Maman?" Julie speaks softly beside her.

"Oui, ma grande?" Annabelle answers, watching her mother grip Cosima's hands, they only have eyes for each other. She doubts they truly notice Stephen and Laura standing at the front of the church.

"Je suis lesbienne." Julie tells her without looking at her.

Annabelle lets out a breath. There had been no boys for years but she'd thought Julie had been scholarly, too interested in science and genetics and degrees. She hadn't really expected this. Annabelle observes Julie for a moment, So much like her mother, except the dark hair. How much she didn't know. Didn't really see.

"D'accord." Annabelle nods with a smile. She lets her life turn on the axis again, after all, what else could she do?