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Chapter 24

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
Here is Chapter 24, which I feel is a logical continuation of the events of Chapters 22 and 23, though note that there is a time jump, with this chapter taking place in mid-December. (Chapter 23 took place in October) Trigger warnings may apply here. Let me know if you think of anything specific I need to add.
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Halloween came and went, and there was radio silence from Kressler. Alex wondered if this meant she could relax about the motion to dismiss she'd been expecting or if this meant the defense attorney had something more formidable up his sleeve. Only time would tell, and the prosecutor reminded herself to breathe through the uncertainty and take each day as it came.

November brought the blonde two victories, as Holmes and O'Doherty were both convicted of their respective crimes and given sentences that Cabot thought were sufficient. SVU continued to work, and Alex received new cases, most of them ones the woman considered more than winnable, which was great for her fragile ego that was still wounded after Barnett, and it gave her ammunition against her drill sergeant when he decided to remind the ADA about the less than favorable odds she was facing with the D'Agostino case.

Olivia was her constant. There to congratulate her after another guilty verdict to add to her winning streak, and there to comfort her when a problematic defense motion was granted, and she felt less competent than someone with her conviction rate should ever feel. It wasn't a secret that no DA that had worked with SVU could even hold a candle to the amount of indictments that Alex was able to turn into hard jail time, but still, imposter syndrome was always nipping at her heels, and though she always remained poised on the outside, human Alex was constantly one acquittal away from cataclysmic self-doubt. One of the prices of feeling—you don't get to pick and choose what you feel.

"The pictures from the holiday party arrived," Alex announced as she walked into the living room where Liv was sitting, a rare pep in her step. "I want to pick the best one and put it in a frame."

She stood next to the brunette, and Olivia sat up more fully, wrapping an arm around the younger woman's waist as she began to go through the photos. In a turn of events Benson truly was not expecting, Alex had announced that going to the party would be a good idea, citing the fact that the entire SVU squad now knew about their relationship. The women had decided that they would keep this information close—to avoid potential conflicts of interest and also because the ADA was still semi-self-conscious about so publicly dating another woman—but everyone on the team had reacted positively to finding out the detective and the attorney were an item—though Elliot and Cragen already knew—and Alex had reaped the benefits by actually enjoying the party and happily posing for a few photos with Olivia when Fin had offered.

The older woman smiled, understanding the significance of the person she loved wanting to display a photo of them together. It would be the first photo of Alex the cop had ever seen; there were none to be found in the Cabots' home and none hung up on the walls of the prosecutor's old penthouse. "I love that idea." Liv held her girlfriend close as she sat on the arm of the couch, settling on a picture of the two of them cheek-to-cheek and grinning at the camera.

"I like this one," Alex murmured, turning to Olivia. "What do you think?"

Benson nodded, her pointer finger tracing the two-dimensional features of Cabot's face. "You looked so beautiful that day. I mean, you always look beautiful, but..."

"Ditto." Alex smiled. "I'll buy a frame tomorrow." She slid off the arm of the chair and onto the couch, positioning herself so she was practically cradled in Liv's lap, reaching up to cup her cheek with a tender hand. "Did you have a good day?" she murmured into her girlfriend's lips as the brunette dipped her head lower so their noses could bump against one another affectionately.

Olivia hummed. "It's better now," she mused, guiding Alex's lips to hers by the chin, both women smiling into the embrace.

It was getting easier.

Benson had become more likely to initiate physical contact over the past couple of months, and the attorney had gotten better at asking to do touch exercises and at overall communication with her girlfriend. Progress was a process, but it was one that continued to chug along, day by day, second by second, and each kiss, each declaration of love or request for support illustrated that.

Cabot pulled back just barely from the kiss after a few moments, her fingertips dancing along the brunette's cheek. "Do you want to do this as a touch exercise?"

The detective nodded with a gentle smile, her fingers interlocking with each other over Alex's waist as the younger woman leaned her head against her shoulder. "Sure. It occurred to me we haven't done much work with the skin-to-skin touches. What do you think?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," she agreed, a nimble pointer finger running across the length of Olivia's collar bone.

She shifted on the couch, keeping the other woman securely in her arms. Any chance she got to be close to her girlfriend was a gift, something she was grateful for, but she would never dismiss the importance of having these conversations, of ensuring that they both were comfortable with what they were about to do. And the more intimate the exercises got, the more discernment they required. "Would you want to take off your shirt, but leave your bra on?"

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking." Alex sighed, breathing deeply to banish the anxiety that was threatening to overpower her confidence in her and Olivia's relationship, sitting up so that she was straddling the other woman's lap, and the older of the two moved her hands to rest on each of her thighs, providing some grounding pressure and letting their gazes melt into one another. The ADA reached for the hem of her blouse, pulling it off in one expert move. One of the "benefits" of sleeping around as a young woman was becoming remarkably good at removing articles of clothing quickly and without hassle.

"Do you want me to take off mine too so that we're equal?" the cop offered softly, letting her hands move comfortingly up and down the extremities that surrounded her own, keeping her eyes on trusting pools of blue.

Alex shook her head, biting her lip. "I'd actually rather you didn't—if that's okay." She wanted to move forward, but she knew anything more than incremental progress here would probably be too much. The last time they were both shirtless together, the blonde had robotically brought her girlfriend to orgasm, and it wasn't a memory she wanted to harp on.

"Of course it is. Come here."

When their lips connected again, Liv gave the woman she loved a few moments to relax into the kiss before she slowly moved her hands up to Alex's hips, offering a light squeeze, and then letting her fingers carefully migrate onto the bare skin of her sides, the brunette watching the attorney carefully for signs of hesitation. Alex shivered for a moment, covering Benson's hands with her own to urge her not to pull them away. The shiver had been a good reaction, but she didn't quite have the ability to explain that to her girlfriend at the moment, so she hoped the physical encouragement would suffice.

It did.

All Olivia could think about was how soft the woman in her lap was, how exquisitely beautiful she was, how lucky she felt to hold her in her arms, keeping her safe and making her feel loved.

It was Alex who eventually let her tongue protrude beyond her lips, asking for entrance into the warmth of the brunette's mouth. Liv granted her access, sighing into the kiss as the lawyer gripped hungrily onto her face. Cabot couldn't recall the last time she'd felt this way—a gentle but very real burning in her lungs, oversensitivity in every nerve ending, an unquenchable thirst to be impossibly close to Olivia—and she didn't want to think long enough on it to remember.

This would be a good memory.

This would be a safe memory.

Olivia was different.

Also, Alex was different now. As she surrendered to the feeling of her girlfriend moving her thumbs over the skin just below her ribcage, she knew she'd changed. This felt good, it felt right, and as the fire in her chest moved lower, the twinge of nervousness she felt immediately vanished at the sensation of Olivia cradling the base of her skull.

Safe.

Eventually, Cabot couldn't deny her body the oxygen it needed any longer, and so she pulled away, her forehead leaning against Olivia's as both women panted, their breath mingling together in heavenly intoxication. "I love you," she heaved, sitting up taller on the detective's lap.

The older woman allowed her fingernails to scratch gentle lines into her sides, pleased when she hummed in approval. "I love you too. You good?"

She nodded with a soft smile, her lips brushing against Benson's temple, her positioning exaggerating their height difference. "You?" Olivia bobbed her head in the affirmative. "I'm going to take a shower," Alex announced after a few more moments. "Long day at the office."

Liv released her from her secure but loving hold, patting her hips as she stood up, retrieving her blouse. The blonde quickly removed the rest of her clothes once she arrived in the bathroom they now shared, turning on the hot water and placing herself underneath the stream as she felt the residual flames of her encounter with Olivia lick her skin in the most sensitive of areas.

Alex recognized this feeling as arousal, but it was so different than what she remembered. The heat in her face and burning in her chest was somewhat pleasant. It was anticipatory. But what was her body waiting for? How would Olivia touch her?

Gently, Alex surmised, her right hand moving of its own accord down the plane of her stomach and hesitating shakily as it met blonde curls. The ADA rested her forehead against the tile on the shower wall, grateful for the grounding cold as her fingers traveled lower, her breath hitching in her throat at the feeling.

What the fuck was she doing?

Wrong. The word lingered in her mind, reverberated around her. It wasn't her drill sergeant. It was the sound of Pastor Paul's voice, gravelly and authoritative. "Alexandra, what do you think you're doing?"

No. Alex, desperate to shut him up, quickly shoved her hand entirely between her legs, two of her middle fingers surrounding her now throbbing clit.

Nothing was happening. Was something supposed to be happening?

And when something did happen, Alex registered pain before anything else, the sensations she was experiencing all at once becoming entirely unpleasant, and the feeling that she was assaulting herself mercilessly causing nausea to roll up her esophagus, but still her fingers continued to scribble for purchase against overstimulated flesh.

"Al," a soft voice called from outside the bathroom after quite some time. "You've been in there for a while. Are you alright, my love?"

The tenderness in the other woman's voice made her fingers twitch as they frantically moved against irritated skin, and she realized the stream of water coming from the shower head had turned cold, making her shiver, this time a bad reaction. "Stop," she whispered to herself before she could process what she wanted to say. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" she asked aloud. "Stop, Alex," she commanded her hand as it continued to move abrasively.

"Al, did you say something, baby?"

Olivia. Olivia would stop. Olivia didn't want to hurt her. Olivia was kind to her. Maybe that's why her fingers were still roughly touching her most intimate area. Maybe even her hand was tired of listening to the less than compassionate drill sergeant. She reminded herself to breathe, concentrating totally on her right hand. "Alex, there's no rush," she said, channeling her best Detective Benson impression. "You're okay. You don't have to do this." Slowly, her hand came to a stop, and she sighed in relief as the pain dissipated.

She shut off the water, once again leaning her head against the cool tile, and lifting her right hand to see each of her fingers had become unrecognizably pruny. How was she going to get out of this? Her heart continued to hammer in her chest, and the painfully oversensitive skin between her legs continued to throb, her lungs seizing and her entire body shaking. What had she done? "Liv. Can you come in here please?"

She could almost hear the hesitation on the other side of the door. "Are you sure?" Olivia could have sworn she heard a whimper in addition to the heartbreaking tone of the single word the blonde uttered in response.

"Please."

The brunette immediately slid open the door, taking a few slow steps towards her girlfriend, only enough to see that the naked woman was standing in the walk-in shower, no towel in sight as droplets of water made their way down the drain. "Hey." Olivia kept her distance. "What's going on, love?"

A shaky hand reached to open the shower door, and Liv lunged forward when she saw her legs wobbling. "I..."

"Hey, I'm here, my sweet Alex, you're okay." The blonde nodded, her lip quivering. At any other time, she'd be excruciatingly self-conscious of Liv seeing her naked, but at this moment, all she could think about was being in her arms, the woman she loved keeping her safe from her herself. "Take some deep breaths. Did you have a flashback?"

She shook her head. "No, not really."

As her shaking began to worsen, Benson leapt into action, reaching for the towel closet. "Let me grab you a towel, so we can get you out of the shower, sweetheart. You're shivering. Can I wrap this around you?"

Alex nodded as the older woman approached again, swaddling her in the towel like an infant, shock rioting through Olivia as the attorney immediately lied her head on her shoulder upon stepping out of the shower, the brunette's arms instinctively wrapping around her and holding her close. "You're okay."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," the dripping woman sobbed into her girlfriend's shoulder, adrenaline dropping and shame rising.

"Shhh, baby." Alex forced herself to focus on the way the older woman's hands moved in steadying lines up and down her back, to listen to the words spilling soothingly from her lips. "You don't have to be sorry. Whatever happened, we'll figure it out."

After a few minutes, Liv had enough confidence in Alex's capacity to walk to guide her towards their bed, sitting her down and furrowing her brow when she heard a hiss escape the woman she loved as she made contact with the comforter.

The brunette excused herself to the bathroom in order to grab another towel with which to dry tangled blonde hair and also a brush. "You okay with me helping you with this?" she questioned softly, a faraway nod the only response she received.

Normally, Olivia would have looked for something a little more confident than that, but she couldn't let her girlfriend remain so damp and so cold. The older woman wrapped the attorney's hair with the towel, ringing it out gently as she perched behind her. She hoped making some light conversation would take some of the tension out of their current situation, at least temporarily—just enough to bring the ADA back to the present, if she had indeed left it. "I'm destined to spend my life drying you off, huh?"

Cabot let out a brief chuckle, no mirth to be found in it. "Well, today you've spent your life making me wet."

The soft smile on her face fell as she heard the conflict in her love's trembling voice. "Can you tell me what happened?" she asked slowly, moving the bristles of the hairbrush carefully through damp locks.

"I tried to..." She couldn't bring herself to finish.

"What, love? What did you try to do?" When the knots in her hair were gone, Olivia rested the brush on top of the towel and pushed both items out of their way, moving to sit next to the woman she loved, deep blue pools staring aimlessly at her own hands.

"I'm such an idiot."

"Oh, baby, you are no such thing." The detective moved her hand into the other woman's line of sight, wrapping her left hand around Alex's right and squeezing, shifting the blonde's attention away from the fingers she could no longer see clearly. "Tell me what you tried to do," she implored gently.

Cabot sniffed, her eyes defiantly boring into the empathetic orbs of chocolate she almost wanted to react with anger. "I tried to touch myself."

The tenderness in her expression did not waver. "Oh?"

"I thought since before, I was sort of...you know. I thought it would work." A blush crept across her cheeks, and she could no longer resist the urge to avert her eyes, but the SVU Detective wouldn't let her, the knuckle of a gentle forefinger catching her at the chin and gingerly holding her face still.

"Al, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself." Alex tried to find judgement in her tone, but there was not even a miniscule amount. Liv's voice was velvety compassion, and though her facial features were pained, her touch was loving, her gaze was hauntingly steady. "It's not going to just happen. You can't force it."

"Tammy did."

"That's different," Benson shot back, wondering if the dagger through her heart her girlfriend's claim had caused was evident in her eyes.

"How?" she argued, her free hand gesturing vaguely to express her frustration at the comparison she was struggling with. "It hurt. I was hurting myself. And I couldn't stop until I heard your voice in my head telling me to."

The brunette nodded slowly, squeezing her girlfriend's hand, determined to keep her grounded. The progress she'd made in the past several months was real, and regression was an expected part of the process. One step forward and two steps back would eventually turn into two steps forward and one step back. But it wouldn't get there without work. "Why do you think you couldn't stop?"

Knowing Liv would want her fully genuine and totally honest answer, she let herself think about it for a moment, her lip quivering again as she felt the distance between the person she was and the person she wanted to be grow larger. "I guess I just never allowed myself to long for this until now. And now that I am, I just want to be normal."

A/N: Thank you for reading! As always, I would love to hear your thoughts!