p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I'm glad we had that talk. I'm glad that I can now put that aside and concentrate on just the two of us in the meantime. It actually feels good, to know that I can have that future one day, but not have to worry about it right now. It's been more than three months since that Sunday morning, and things have been going strong, stronger than ever. I'm happy at work, and I'm even happier at home, and I know that he's happy too. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It's late, and Paul only just got back. I stayed up going over some paperwork, but now that he's home I set everything aside. I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed when I hear the phone ring. Odd, a phone call this late at night. I hate late-night calls out of nowhere. It makes me nervous. I quickly finish off what I'm doing and head back into the room to see Paul already in motion after only just having hung up. I feel a bit of panic inside but try not to get ahead of myself. "Paul? Who was that?" /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The phone rings. It's late. It's my sister. Mom's in the hospital. She's in tears. I hear Brady in the background. She's falling apart. I have to be there for Mom and Mandy. I have to be strong. It's what she needs. She tells me what happened. Mom got hit by a drunk driver. Running a red light. Pants on. Shirt on. Shoes. Shoes! "Where are my shoes!"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Rachel's in the room. She looks concerned. I want to tell her not to worry. But I can't. It would be a lie. Under her careful gaze I fall apart. Tears in my eyes. "Mandy. Mom's in the hospital."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He starts looking for his shoes, sounding anxious and panicked, making me even more worried. When he finally turns around to look at me, my heart breaks at the sight of his tears. He says that his mom's in the hospital. "Oh God." The words slip from my mouth before my brain can even process them. My eyes widen for just a split second and the first things going through my head are what happened, how is she. But obviously it must be bad. And there's no time to find out how she got there just yet. Snap out of it, Rachel. Shoes. He was looking for his shoes./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I hurry to grab the shoes from where he left them just now at the foot of the bed and hand them to him. "Here." And then I hurry out of my nightie and start to get dressed myself. There's no way he's going alone. She's my mother too. I slip into the first pair of pants and T-shirt that I can get my hands on. And then I see him standing there, looking so distraught, like he's about to fall apart. I feel the tears threaten to come, but I don't want to shed them. Not when he's like this. Not when I have to believe that she'll be okay. I move over to him and touch his face, brushing his tears aside. "It's gonna be okay, honey," I try to reassure him, to soothe him and calm him down for now if nothing else. Then I grab my wallet and keys and take his hand, pulling him with me. "Come on, let's go."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"My Rach finds my shoes. And I don't waste time with thanking her. Even though I feel almost instantly guilty for overlooking it, as I shove my feet into my running shoes. And then I turn to look at her. She's changing. She's gorgeous. She's planning on coming with me. It touches me more than I can say. Before I know it, she comes over to me, dressed again and she takes my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her, and force myself to truly focus, to truly see her, instead of just stare blankly in her direction while I worry about my mom. She wipes away my tears. "It's gonna be okay, honey," she says to me. I can tell she's trying to be strong. But I believe her. Mostly because I need to. It'll all be okay. But her touch unhinges me. I want to fall apart, to melt into her arms. The only thing keeping me from just going limp is the fact that I would probably crash us both to the floor and hurt her. I could never hurt her, for any reason, not even for being insanely worried out of my mind for my mom./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"This is the only thing that keeps me upright. And Rach is the only thing that keeps me moving. Again, I am grateful as she grabs her keys and my hand and begins pulling me to the car. As I sit in the passenger seat, I pull the seat belt on automatically, not even knowing I'm doing it. And I feel like a little boy. All over again. Because I might lose my Momma./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I make sure he's seated before hopping into the driver's seat. I know he's in no state of mind to drive right now. I start driving, concentrating on the road. It's dark and I want to get us there quickly but in one piece. We don't need three of us landing in the hospital tonight. But every now and then I make sure to steal a glance over at him to make sure he's okay. Of course he's not. He's panicking, and still crying, no longer the big tough guy. He looks so scared. I reach over and place a hand on his lap, rubbing his thigh. "Calm down, okay?" I tell him gently. "She needs you to be strong for her." And I know that more than ever right now, he needs me to be strong for him./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"My Rachel puts her hand on my thigh. She asks me to calm down. And I try for her. But I can't. Not really. I can't stop the tears or the worry. I feel like I can barely breath at the thought of life without my mom. And then I feel guilty. She's had to do this before. She lost her mom. And I've played like an idiot acting like it was in the past and didn't matter. Not to mention that I was doing it to her again. It had to hurt her too, yet I was still leaning on her heavily./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She tells me that I need to be strong for my mom. And I know that she needs me to be strong for her too, even if she won't ask for it. But I just can't. "I don't know if I can," I tell her brokenly, feeling like I'm letting down both her and mom and probably Mandy. Mandy will need me too. I put my head in my hands. "I don't know if I can."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I can't stand to see my usually strong, sturdy husband like this, so broken, so helpless. I refuse to give up hope. We don't really know the situation yet, so things may not be as bad as they seem. The truth is, I'm scared too. I've come to love his mom as if she were my own. Ever since I first met her, we've grown close. And I just can't bear the thought of losing her too, of losing another mother. It shouldn't happen to her, and it shouldn't happen to Paul. Fate couldn't be so cruel. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""You can, Paul," I tell him softly but firmly, still carefully keeping my eyes on the road. I stroke his hair gently, wishing I could do more to comfort him, wishing I could hold him close and tell him everything's going to be all right. "You can be strong with me, okay?" /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It is in this moment, facing something so horrible, that I realize just how strong Rachel is. She isn't falling apart, she isn't crying, she isn't breaking. And I know that the only reason that that is, is because she knows I need her. I need her strength. If I didn't need her strength, I was pretty sure she'd be upset right now./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I look over at her, taking her hand in mine. I could try and do this with her. I could try. I take her hand in mine, trying to stop my tears. "We'll be strong together." I say quietly. My breath taken away by her simple beauty and her strength and her love for me. "Thank you Rach," I tell her quietly./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I feel a small sense of relief to hear him say that, to have him lean on me. And truth be told, even like this, even when he doesn't know it, it's only because of him that I can find this strength in me at all. He doesn't have to thank me. I just want what he wants, for things to be okay. "I love you," I tell him, squeezing his hand tightly. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The rest of the drive is mostly quiet, with the both of us consumed with worry. I know he's trying hard to be strong. I hope he can keep it together until we get there, and maybe, hopefully, we'll find that she's going to be all right and he can relax. When we finally get there, I park the car and within seconds we're both out. I feel my heart clench for a moment, as the whole thing reminds me of what drove me to leave La Push in the first place. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But I can't think about that now. We can't change the past. What's important now is that whatever happened to her, his mother has to make it. It just has to be different this time. "Did Mandy say where to go? Is she in emergency?" I ask him, taking his hand in mine again as we hurry towards the entrance./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"When we get there, I follow Rachel hand in hand into the building. It all feels so surreal. Us rushing in to find Mandy and Brady who are with mom. I nod, mutely, not trusting my voice to come out as anything more than an anguished cry if I even dare to use it. She said emergency. Rachel leads me in the right direction. I trust her completely to do so./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Mandy see us from down the hall. "Oh my god, Paul," she breaks free from Brady and bolts down the hall to me. She launches herself into my arms. And I feel myself knocked off balance for just a moment before I brace myself and hold her tight, still silent. "Oh my God, Paul, I'm so sorry," Mandy laments. "I was in the car with her. I don't know how long Brady and I were out. We couldn't get her to wake up. There was so much blood. So much blood." She looks at me with guilty eyes. "And we healed."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"And this I know how to handle. I can be the big brother any day of the week. I hold Mandy tightly and rub her back, stroking her hair as I lead us to the chairs, pulling her into my lap, like I used to when she was younger. "She's gonna be okay, Mandy," I tell her softly, forcing myself to sound like I believed it. "You did everything you could. None of this was your fault. And you shouldn't feel guilty for being okay." I gave her a small grin. "Just imagine what Brady and I would be doing right now, if you were back there too."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She giggled a little and then felt guilty for that, breaking into immediate sobs. "Probably tearing each other apart." It wasn't a lie. I knew how they both felt. I knew Brady loved her, true and pure, like I loved Rachel, but he didn't have to deal with all the pain, all the tears Mandy had cried over his rejections, so I couldn't forgive him. I couldn't like him. We were always at odds. And right now I felt a little triumphant that Mandy needed me./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Brady spoke up then. "She's back in surgery right now. Then they're gonna monitor her for a bit before moving her to ICU. That's when she'll be allowed visitors. It could be hours."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""You've got a problem with waiting?" I practically growled./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Brady looked appalled, "Of course not."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I let go of Paul's hand to let him take Mandy into his arms, and suddenly he doesn't seem so broken anymore. He immediately starts to comfort her, and it makes my heart melt to see him trying to be strong for her. I stand aside, giving the brother and sister their moment. And then Mandy says that she was in the car with her. It was a road accident. A wave of nausea hits me for just a moment and I have to turn away so that Paul doesn't see my reaction. It's too much like what happened to my own mother. I take a deep breath and remind myself that this is a completely different situation. It doesn't have to turn out the same. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The moment passes and I feel okay again, enough to be strong for him. I look at Brady, who looks just as distraught as anyone in this room. I feel bad for him sometimes. We don't speak often, but Mandy and I do, and she often talks to me about him, how he's always afraid of hurting her, on a level probably greater than Paul's. He must feel awful now, but he's keeping it together. He speaks up, telling us exactly what's happening right now, only to get an unfriendly response from Paul, who takes it the wrong way, demanding to know if he has a problem with waiting. Brady, looking all defensive, responds just as sharply, making me cringe./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I immediately go to Paul, placing a calming hand on his shoulder. This isn't the time or place for tempers to flare. "Ssh, guys, you're in a hospital," I remind them quietly, frowning a little. Right now, all this negative energy isn't going to help anyone, least of all our mother. That's what she is, a mother to us all, not just to Paul and Mandy, but to me and Brady too. And we all need to stick together and lend her our strength so that she can pull through. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Mandy's tears again begin in earnest as I bristle at Brady's words. She won't meet my eyes after that. And I know it's because she's upset that even in a time like this, I can't even try to be civil to the person who means everything to her, just like my Rach does to me. I kiss her forehead and whisper to her that I'm sorry./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then I feel Rachel's hand on my shoulder. I cover it with one of mine and it brings the rest of the calm that I need. I look up at Brady. "Rach is right, I'm sorry," I tell him. It's a bit forced, as is the smile I give him, but he returns it stiffly, saying he's sorry too, probably mostly for Mandy's sake./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"As Rachel stands next to me I feel guilty for not holding her right now when she needs it, but I can't abandon Mandy when she so obviously needs my comfort anyway. A doctor comes out and updates on her surgery, I barely hear a word, but none of it matters because it's not done with yet. And then Mandy bursts into tears again. And I know the news must have been awful, though I couldn't comprehend it at the time./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I pull her closer to me and begin to sing to her softly, like I used to when she was a little girl and would get hurt feelings. Though this I know can't be fixed by a brother's love, no matter how deep it runs./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Thankfully, Paul apologises, and so does Brady, and although most of it is forced, it seems to send away added stress. After a while longer waiting, a doctor comes out to fill us in on what's going on. He says that they've managed to stabilise the bleeding, but that she's still in critical condition. Mandy falls apart all over again and I feel myself struggling not to do the same. It tugs at every single one of my heartstrings as Paul begins to sing to Mandy, a little out of tune but in a voice that's soft and soothing. I know he's trying to be strong for her, and the only reason he's not in pieces right now is because he has his sister in his arms./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The doctor said it would be a while yet, and seeing Paul and Mandy, I feel like they need a moment alone, the brother and sister. So I nod at Brady, asking him to come with me. A few minutes later, we're back with coffee, and Mandy seems to have quieted down some. I tap Paul on the shoulder to let him know that I've set his coffee down beside him. It's going to be a long night./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""What if she doesn't make it?" Mandy whispers to me as I hold her. "What if we were both in that car and I'm fine and she dies?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I play with her hair and rub her back, trying to soothe her as best I can. I know now how guilty she feels. "None of this is your fault, Mandy," I tell her gently, "And Momma's gonna make it, she's stronger than that." I'm not good with words. I can't give her much else. And Mandy seems to accept this. She wants to argue, I can tell, but she knows right now it'll just be a circular argument. She cries and I sing, until her tears start to subside./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"And then Rachel and Brady return and I feel guilty for ignoring Rach when she probably needs comforting too, when I need her comfort. She gestures to my coffee. "Thanks, baby," I say to her before looking back down at Mandy. "Why don't you go see Brady sweetheart." She nods and Brady looks more than happy to be getting her back as I help her up from my lap and she climbs into Brady's arms. I get up and move over to Rach, pulling her tight against me. "I love you so much," I whisper./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I set my cup down as he comes to me, and I feel warmth envelop me both inside and out as he wraps his arms around me. I hug him back tightly and rub his back, grateful to have his comfort too, and hoping I can offer him some in return. "I love you too," I reply softly. "She's going to be okay, Paul…" I believe it. Maybe my hopes are set too high, but I believe it. And I want him to believe it too, so that it can be true. It has to be./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I try to take heart in Rachel's words. They're the words that I just told Mandy. But they're hard to believe. There is no guarantee. I'm too young to lose my mom. Now that I was no longer soothing Mandy, I felt my edges fraying again. I felt like I was coming apart. I cried into Rachel's arms, my tears soaking her shoulder, as I pulled her close./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"At some point we had shifted to the stairs, me leaning on her heavily, waiting for a doctor again. When one finally came, she said that mom was out of surgery. That it'd be a few more hours before we could see her. But it was good to know that for now at least she was okay. Stable, the doctor had said./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I looked to Rach. "We should probably go grab some food, bring it back." I knew Mandy wouldn't leave before she saw Momma for herself, but we all needed to eat./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He starts to crumble again, and I try my best to soothe him. "Ssh…" I hold him close and kiss his tear-stained cheeks and whisper to him, words that I hope will comfort. I understand how he feels, I've been there. And I hate that he's having to face this too. I hope with all my heart that the outcome will be different for him. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"There's a wave of relief when the doctor says that she's stable, at least for now. It's a good sign, and it seems to bring Paul back up onto his feet again, at least a little. He suggests that we go get some food. "You sure?" I ask him, wondering if maybe he'd like to stay, be here in case there's any news. "I can go myself if you like, you guys can just tell me what you want."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It means everything to me that she would go alone. But I can't let her do that. Besides I'm afraid I'll go crazy and come completely unraveled without her. Even if I'm only without her for a minute. But the offer means everything. And I take her hand in mine, squeezing it. I look over at her, hoping that she gets it. That as much as I want to stay here with Mandy, I need her more. And Mandy has Brady./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""I could use the walk," I tell her quietly, not wanting to show Brady too much weakness if I don't have to. We find out what Mandy and Brady want and then we get up and start walking, hand in hand./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He holds my gaze for a moment, and I understand that he's coming with me. Whether that's because he needs me or he doesn't want me to go alone, I don't know, but I don't care. Because honestly, I need him too. And while I would give him up so that he can be with his family at a time like this. I'll take whatever he can give me right now./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"We start to walk, in silence at first. I don't know what he's thinking, but I'm sure he's scared, more than he's willing to let on in front of his sister and her imprint. He's afraid of losing his mother. I mean, who wouldn't be? "You holding up okay?" I ask him quietly./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She asks me if I'm holding up okay. And now that we're nowhere near Mandy, I feel everything unravel. I feel tears in my eyes again. I want to just lie down in Rachel's arms and not move again until I know that everything will be okay. "No," I answer her softly. "I just keep thinking about if she doesn't make it. I don't want to lose her. I'm not done needing her yet."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I feel selfish for saying this to Rachel. Rachel after all did lose her own mother, in a car accident. She probably definitely wasn't done needing her yet as she was still just a young child./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He admits that he isn't okay. He's thinking all those negative thoughts, thinking about how he might lose her. And he's not ready for that. He's not done needing his mother. I don't think anyone can ever be done needing their mothers. I've often wondered what it would be like if Mom hadn't died in that crash, if she could've been there at my wedding. And it would have been the most amazing thing, to have her around for longer. But whether she had died then or ten, fifteen, twenty years down the road, letting her go would still be just as hard./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I give his hand a squeeze and bring it up to my lips. "It's okay to be scared, Paul. Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay?" I tell him quietly. "She's stable for now. That's good news."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Rachel takes my hand in hers and tells me it's okay to be scared. But that I shouldn't get ahead of myself because right now, mom's okay. And I'm glad that I can be afraid around her and that she doesn't think less of me. I nod at her. "I know, baby," I tell her, "And I'm relieved she's okay. I just won't feel good about any of it until she's out of here."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I nod in understanding. Of course he won't. "I know what you mean." None of us will truly be able to feel right until we know that she's really out of danger. And maybe the best thing I can do for now is distract him a little. It's not like the constant worrying is going to help anyone very much anyway. "Well, let's just take care of this first," I tease him, patting his stomach. "Don't want your mom questioning me about not feeding her boy when she wakes up."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Rachel teases me about needing to eat, about my mom holding her responsible. And despite myself. Despite the situation. I laugh. "She wouldn't blame you, baby," I tease her, "She'll assume I was just being a stubborn idiot again." /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It's then that we reach the cafeteria. And we begin to gather the food that would be needed for one human and three wolves. To many strange looks./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It's good to see his shoulders relax and hear him laugh, even just briefly. He grins and says his mom wouldn't blame me, she'd just assume he was being a stubborn idiot again. I won't dispute that. "And I'll tell her you were, as you always are," I say to him affectionately, reaching up to give him a quick kiss on the jaw./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"As we head back out once we've gotten our heap of food, we receive more than a few curious glances. By the time we get close to the door, I can barely contain myself. "Yeah, it's all mine," I confirm for a lady who's staring at us without blinking. Her jaw drops, and I just add with a shrug, "I like to eat." And then once we're outside, I turn back to Paul with a grin, glad to have the mood lightened somewhat. "Well if you're going to be a wolf, then I might as well have fun with it, right?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I burst out laughing when Rachel tells an older woman that it's all hers, that she likes to eat. This would be a ridiculous amount of food for one person to eat. And the flabbergasted look the old lady gives, even I can recognize the humor it. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She says if I'm gonna be a wolf then she might as well have fun with it. I grin at her. "You can do whatever you want, baby." But I like that she doesn't see it as a burden. "Especially have fun with it."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Again, I hear his laughter, and again, it fills me with a sense of warmth, to have eased his tension for just a bit. Jake always disses Paul and says that he laughs like a donkey, and I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. I love hearing him laugh, especially if it's because I made him. Which is why Jake always gets a whack in the head for that one. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""Good," I say with a grin, bumping him in the hip. "Poor woman looked like she was gonna faint."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"After she bumps my hip with hers, I lean over and kiss her lightly. "I love you, Rachel." I did. And I felt the need to make sure she knew it right now. Make sure she knew how grateful I was for her support. I needed her to even keep going right now. And she was there. In every way. Holding me together. Making me strong. Being strong for me when I knew she wanted to break down too./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It didn't take long for us to get back to Mandy and Brady and to pass out the food. We ate mostly in silence except for the thank yous./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I know he loves me. But his words right now mean everything, when we both need each other's love and support the most. "I love you too," I reply with feeling. The four of us eat in silence and spend the next couple of hours worrying, sitting, standing up, sitting, standing up, pacing. It's nearing dawn when the doctor emerges again and says that she's still unconscious but we can go in and see her. I take Paul's hand and squeeze it tightly. This is good. She's still stable, still okay. His mother's strong. She's going to make it/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I'm glad we had that talk. I'm glad that I can now put that aside and concentrate on just the two of us in the meantime. It actually feels good, to know that I can have that future one day, but not have to worry about it right now. It's been more than three months since that Sunday morning, and things have been going strong, stronger than ever. I'm happy at work, and I'm even happier at home, and I know that he's happy too. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It's late, and Paul only just got back. I stayed up going over some paperwork, but now that he's home I set everything aside. I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed when I hear the phone ring. Odd, a phone call this late at night. I hate late-night calls out of nowhere. It makes me nervous. I quickly finish off what I'm doing and head back into the room to see Paul already in motion after only just having hung up. I feel a bit of panic inside but try not to get ahead of myself. "Paul? Who was that?" /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The phone rings. It's late. It's my sister. Mom's in the hospital. She's in tears. I hear Brady in the background. She's falling apart. I have to be there for Mom and Mandy. I have to be strong. It's what she needs. She tells me what happened. Mom got hit by a drunk driver. Running a red light. Pants on. Shirt on. Shoes. Shoes! "Where are my shoes!"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Rachel's in the room. She looks concerned. I want to tell her not to worry. But I can't. It would be a lie. Under her careful gaze I fall apart. Tears in my eyes. "Mandy. Mom's in the hospital."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He starts looking for his shoes, sounding anxious and panicked, making me even more worried. When he finally turns around to look at me, my heart breaks at the sight of his tears. He says that his mom's in the hospital. "Oh God." The words slip from my mouth before my brain can even process them. My eyes widen for just a split second and the first things going through my head are what happened, how is she. But obviously it must be bad. And there's no time to find out how she got there just yet. Snap out of it, Rachel. Shoes. He was looking for his shoes./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I hurry to grab the shoes from where he left them just now at the foot of the bed and hand them to him. "Here." And then I hurry out of my nightie and start to get dressed myself. There's no way he's going alone. She's my mother too. I slip into the first pair of pants and T-shirt that I can get my hands on. And then I see him standing there, looking so distraught, like he's about to fall apart. I feel the tears threaten to come, but I don't want to shed them. Not when he's like this. Not when I have to believe that she'll be okay. I move over to him and touch his face, brushing his tears aside. "It's gonna be okay, honey," I try to reassure him, to soothe him and calm him down for now if nothing else. Then I grab my wallet and keys and take his hand, pulling him with me. "Come on, let's go."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"My Rach finds my shoes. And I don't waste time with thanking her. Even though I feel almost instantly guilty for overlooking it, as I shove my feet into my running shoes. And then I turn to look at her. She's changing. She's gorgeous. She's planning on coming with me. It touches me more than I can say. Before I know it, she comes over to me, dressed again and she takes my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her, and force myself to truly focus, to truly see her, instead of just stare blankly in her direction while I worry about my mom. She wipes away my tears. "It's gonna be okay, honey," she says to me. I can tell she's trying to be strong. But I believe her. Mostly because I need to. It'll all be okay. But her touch unhinges me. I want to fall apart, to melt into her arms. The only thing keeping me from just going limp is the fact that I would probably crash us both to the floor and hurt her. I could never hurt her, for any reason, not even for being insanely worried out of my mind for my mom./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"This is the only thing that keeps me upright. And Rach is the only thing that keeps me moving. Again, I am grateful as she grabs her keys and my hand and begins pulling me to the car. As I sit in the passenger seat, I pull the seat belt on automatically, not even knowing I'm doing it. And I feel like a little boy. All over again. Because I might lose my Momma./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I make sure he's seated before hopping into the driver's seat. I know he's in no state of mind to drive right now. I start driving, concentrating on the road. It's dark and I want to get us there quickly but in one piece. We don't need three of us landing in the hospital tonight. But every now and then I make sure to steal a glance over at him to make sure he's okay. Of course he's not. He's panicking, and still crying, no longer the big tough guy. He looks so scared. I reach over and place a hand on his lap, rubbing his thigh. "Calm down, okay?" I tell him gently. "She needs you to be strong for her." And I know that more than ever right now, he needs me to be strong for him./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"My Rachel puts her hand on my thigh. She asks me to calm down. And I try for her. But I can't. Not really. I can't stop the tears or the worry. I feel like I can barely breath at the thought of life without my mom. And then I feel guilty. She's had to do this before. She lost her mom. And I've played like an idiot acting like it was in the past and didn't matter. Not to mention that I was doing it to her again. It had to hurt her too, yet I was still leaning on her heavily./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She tells me that I need to be strong for my mom. And I know that she needs me to be strong for her too, even if she won't ask for it. But I just can't. "I don't know if I can," I tell her brokenly, feeling like I'm letting down both her and mom and probably Mandy. Mandy will need me too. I put my head in my hands. "I don't know if I can."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I can't stand to see my usually strong, sturdy husband like this, so broken, so helpless. I refuse to give up hope. We don't really know the situation yet, so things may not be as bad as they seem. The truth is, I'm scared too. I've come to love his mom as if she were my own. Ever since I first met her, we've grown close. And I just can't bear the thought of losing her too, of losing another mother. It shouldn't happen to her, and it shouldn't happen to Paul. Fate couldn't be so cruel. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""You can, Paul," I tell him softly but firmly, still carefully keeping my eyes on the road. I stroke his hair gently, wishing I could do more to comfort him, wishing I could hold him close and tell him everything's going to be all right. "You can be strong with me, okay?" /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It is in this moment, facing something so horrible, that I realize just how strong Rachel is. She isn't falling apart, she isn't crying, she isn't breaking. And I know that the only reason that that is, is because she knows I need her. I need her strength. If I didn't need her strength, I was pretty sure she'd be upset right now./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I look over at her, taking her hand in mine. I could try and do this with her. I could try. I take her hand in mine, trying to stop my tears. "We'll be strong together." I say quietly. My breath taken away by her simple beauty and her strength and her love for me. "Thank you Rach," I tell her quietly./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I feel a small sense of relief to hear him say that, to have him lean on me. And truth be told, even like this, even when he doesn't know it, it's only because of him that I can find this strength in me at all. He doesn't have to thank me. I just want what he wants, for things to be okay. "I love you," I tell him, squeezing his hand tightly. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The rest of the drive is mostly quiet, with the both of us consumed with worry. I know he's trying hard to be strong. I hope he can keep it together until we get there, and maybe, hopefully, we'll find that she's going to be all right and he can relax. When we finally get there, I park the car and within seconds we're both out. I feel my heart clench for a moment, as the whole thing reminds me of what drove me to leave La Push in the first place. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"But I can't think about that now. We can't change the past. What's important now is that whatever happened to her, his mother has to make it. It just has to be different this time. "Did Mandy say where to go? Is she in emergency?" I ask him, taking his hand in mine again as we hurry towards the entrance./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"When we get there, I follow Rachel hand in hand into the building. It all feels so surreal. Us rushing in to find Mandy and Brady who are with mom. I nod, mutely, not trusting my voice to come out as anything more than an anguished cry if I even dare to use it. She said emergency. Rachel leads me in the right direction. I trust her completely to do so./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Mandy see us from down the hall. "Oh my god, Paul," she breaks free from Brady and bolts down the hall to me. She launches herself into my arms. And I feel myself knocked off balance for just a moment before I brace myself and hold her tight, still silent. "Oh my God, Paul, I'm so sorry," Mandy laments. "I was in the car with her. I don't know how long Brady and I were out. We couldn't get her to wake up. There was so much blood. So much blood." She looks at me with guilty eyes. "And we healed."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"And this I know how to handle. I can be the big brother any day of the week. I hold Mandy tightly and rub her back, stroking her hair as I lead us to the chairs, pulling her into my lap, like I used to when she was younger. "She's gonna be okay, Mandy," I tell her softly, forcing myself to sound like I believed it. "You did everything you could. None of this was your fault. And you shouldn't feel guilty for being okay." I gave her a small grin. "Just imagine what Brady and I would be doing right now, if you were back there too."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She giggled a little and then felt guilty for that, breaking into immediate sobs. "Probably tearing each other apart." It wasn't a lie. I knew how they both felt. I knew Brady loved her, true and pure, like I loved Rachel, but he didn't have to deal with all the pain, all the tears Mandy had cried over his rejections, so I couldn't forgive him. I couldn't like him. We were always at odds. And right now I felt a little triumphant that Mandy needed me./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Brady spoke up then. "She's back in surgery right now. Then they're gonna monitor her for a bit before moving her to ICU. That's when she'll be allowed visitors. It could be hours."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""You've got a problem with waiting?" I practically growled./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Brady looked appalled, "Of course not."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I let go of Paul's hand to let him take Mandy into his arms, and suddenly he doesn't seem so broken anymore. He immediately starts to comfort her, and it makes my heart melt to see him trying to be strong for her. I stand aside, giving the brother and sister their moment. And then Mandy says that she was in the car with her. It was a road accident. A wave of nausea hits me for just a moment and I have to turn away so that Paul doesn't see my reaction. It's too much like what happened to my own mother. I take a deep breath and remind myself that this is a completely different situation. It doesn't have to turn out the same. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The moment passes and I feel okay again, enough to be strong for him. I look at Brady, who looks just as distraught as anyone in this room. I feel bad for him sometimes. We don't speak often, but Mandy and I do, and she often talks to me about him, how he's always afraid of hurting her, on a level probably greater than Paul's. He must feel awful now, but he's keeping it together. He speaks up, telling us exactly what's happening right now, only to get an unfriendly response from Paul, who takes it the wrong way, demanding to know if he has a problem with waiting. Brady, looking all defensive, responds just as sharply, making me cringe./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I immediately go to Paul, placing a calming hand on his shoulder. This isn't the time or place for tempers to flare. "Ssh, guys, you're in a hospital," I remind them quietly, frowning a little. Right now, all this negative energy isn't going to help anyone, least of all our mother. That's what she is, a mother to us all, not just to Paul and Mandy, but to me and Brady too. And we all need to stick together and lend her our strength so that she can pull through. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Mandy's tears again begin in earnest as I bristle at Brady's words. She won't meet my eyes after that. And I know it's because she's upset that even in a time like this, I can't even try to be civil to the person who means everything to her, just like my Rach does to me. I kiss her forehead and whisper to her that I'm sorry./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Then I feel Rachel's hand on my shoulder. I cover it with one of mine and it brings the rest of the calm that I need. I look up at Brady. "Rach is right, I'm sorry," I tell him. It's a bit forced, as is the smile I give him, but he returns it stiffly, saying he's sorry too, probably mostly for Mandy's sake./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"As Rachel stands next to me I feel guilty for not holding her right now when she needs it, but I can't abandon Mandy when she so obviously needs my comfort anyway. A doctor comes out and updates on her surgery, I barely hear a word, but none of it matters because it's not done with yet. And then Mandy bursts into tears again. And I know the news must have been awful, though I couldn't comprehend it at the time./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I pull her closer to me and begin to sing to her softly, like I used to when she was a little girl and would get hurt feelings. Though this I know can't be fixed by a brother's love, no matter how deep it runs./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Thankfully, Paul apologises, and so does Brady, and although most of it is forced, it seems to send away added stress. After a while longer waiting, a doctor comes out to fill us in on what's going on. He says that they've managed to stabilise the bleeding, but that she's still in critical condition. Mandy falls apart all over again and I feel myself struggling not to do the same. It tugs at every single one of my heartstrings as Paul begins to sing to Mandy, a little out of tune but in a voice that's soft and soothing. I know he's trying to be strong for her, and the only reason he's not in pieces right now is because he has his sister in his arms./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"The doctor said it would be a while yet, and seeing Paul and Mandy, I feel like they need a moment alone, the brother and sister. So I nod at Brady, asking him to come with me. A few minutes later, we're back with coffee, and Mandy seems to have quieted down some. I tap Paul on the shoulder to let him know that I've set his coffee down beside him. It's going to be a long night./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""What if she doesn't make it?" Mandy whispers to me as I hold her. "What if we were both in that car and I'm fine and she dies?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I play with her hair and rub her back, trying to soothe her as best I can. I know now how guilty she feels. "None of this is your fault, Mandy," I tell her gently, "And Momma's gonna make it, she's stronger than that." I'm not good with words. I can't give her much else. And Mandy seems to accept this. She wants to argue, I can tell, but she knows right now it'll just be a circular argument. She cries and I sing, until her tears start to subside./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"And then Rachel and Brady return and I feel guilty for ignoring Rach when she probably needs comforting too, when I need her comfort. She gestures to my coffee. "Thanks, baby," I say to her before looking back down at Mandy. "Why don't you go see Brady sweetheart." She nods and Brady looks more than happy to be getting her back as I help her up from my lap and she climbs into Brady's arms. I get up and move over to Rach, pulling her tight against me. "I love you so much," I whisper./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I set my cup down as he comes to me, and I feel warmth envelop me both inside and out as he wraps his arms around me. I hug him back tightly and rub his back, grateful to have his comfort too, and hoping I can offer him some in return. "I love you too," I reply softly. "She's going to be okay, Paul…" I believe it. Maybe my hopes are set too high, but I believe it. And I want him to believe it too, so that it can be true. It has to be./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I try to take heart in Rachel's words. They're the words that I just told Mandy. But they're hard to believe. There is no guarantee. I'm too young to lose my mom. Now that I was no longer soothing Mandy, I felt my edges fraying again. I felt like I was coming apart. I cried into Rachel's arms, my tears soaking her shoulder, as I pulled her close./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"At some point we had shifted to the stairs, me leaning on her heavily, waiting for a doctor again. When one finally came, she said that mom was out of surgery. That it'd be a few more hours before we could see her. But it was good to know that for now at least she was okay. Stable, the doctor had said./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I looked to Rach. "We should probably go grab some food, bring it back." I knew Mandy wouldn't leave before she saw Momma for herself, but we all needed to eat./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He starts to crumble again, and I try my best to soothe him. "Ssh…" I hold him close and kiss his tear-stained cheeks and whisper to him, words that I hope will comfort. I understand how he feels, I've been there. And I hate that he's having to face this too. I hope with all my heart that the outcome will be different for him. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"There's a wave of relief when the doctor says that she's stable, at least for now. It's a good sign, and it seems to bring Paul back up onto his feet again, at least a little. He suggests that we go get some food. "You sure?" I ask him, wondering if maybe he'd like to stay, be here in case there's any news. "I can go myself if you like, you guys can just tell me what you want."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It means everything to me that she would go alone. But I can't let her do that. Besides I'm afraid I'll go crazy and come completely unraveled without her. Even if I'm only without her for a minute. But the offer means everything. And I take her hand in mine, squeezing it. I look over at her, hoping that she gets it. That as much as I want to stay here with Mandy, I need her more. And Mandy has Brady./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""I could use the walk," I tell her quietly, not wanting to show Brady too much weakness if I don't have to. We find out what Mandy and Brady want and then we get up and start walking, hand in hand./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He holds my gaze for a moment, and I understand that he's coming with me. Whether that's because he needs me or he doesn't want me to go alone, I don't know, but I don't care. Because honestly, I need him too. And while I would give him up so that he can be with his family at a time like this. I'll take whatever he can give me right now./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"We start to walk, in silence at first. I don't know what he's thinking, but I'm sure he's scared, more than he's willing to let on in front of his sister and her imprint. He's afraid of losing his mother. I mean, who wouldn't be? "You holding up okay?" I ask him quietly./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She asks me if I'm holding up okay. And now that we're nowhere near Mandy, I feel everything unravel. I feel tears in my eyes again. I want to just lie down in Rachel's arms and not move again until I know that everything will be okay. "No," I answer her softly. "I just keep thinking about if she doesn't make it. I don't want to lose her. I'm not done needing her yet."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I feel selfish for saying this to Rachel. Rachel after all did lose her own mother, in a car accident. She probably definitely wasn't done needing her yet as she was still just a young child./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"He admits that he isn't okay. He's thinking all those negative thoughts, thinking about how he might lose her. And he's not ready for that. He's not done needing his mother. I don't think anyone can ever be done needing their mothers. I've often wondered what it would be like if Mom hadn't died in that crash, if she could've been there at my wedding. And it would have been the most amazing thing, to have her around for longer. But whether she had died then or ten, fifteen, twenty years down the road, letting her go would still be just as hard./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I give his hand a squeeze and bring it up to my lips. "It's okay to be scared, Paul. Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay?" I tell him quietly. "She's stable for now. That's good news."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Rachel takes my hand in hers and tells me it's okay to be scared. But that I shouldn't get ahead of myself because right now, mom's okay. And I'm glad that I can be afraid around her and that she doesn't think less of me. I nod at her. "I know, baby," I tell her, "And I'm relieved she's okay. I just won't feel good about any of it until she's out of here."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I nod in understanding. Of course he won't. "I know what you mean." None of us will truly be able to feel right until we know that she's really out of danger. And maybe the best thing I can do for now is distract him a little. It's not like the constant worrying is going to help anyone very much anyway. "Well, let's just take care of this first," I tease him, patting his stomach. "Don't want your mom questioning me about not feeding her boy when she wakes up."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Rachel teases me about needing to eat, about my mom holding her responsible. And despite myself. Despite the situation. I laugh. "She wouldn't blame you, baby," I tease her, "She'll assume I was just being a stubborn idiot again." /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It's then that we reach the cafeteria. And we begin to gather the food that would be needed for one human and three wolves. To many strange looks./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It's good to see his shoulders relax and hear him laugh, even just briefly. He grins and says his mom wouldn't blame me, she'd just assume he was being a stubborn idiot again. I won't dispute that. "And I'll tell her you were, as you always are," I say to him affectionately, reaching up to give him a quick kiss on the jaw./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"As we head back out once we've gotten our heap of food, we receive more than a few curious glances. By the time we get close to the door, I can barely contain myself. "Yeah, it's all mine," I confirm for a lady who's staring at us without blinking. Her jaw drops, and I just add with a shrug, "I like to eat." And then once we're outside, I turn back to Paul with a grin, glad to have the mood lightened somewhat. "Well if you're going to be a wolf, then I might as well have fun with it, right?"/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I burst out laughing when Rachel tells an older woman that it's all hers, that she likes to eat. This would be a ridiculous amount of food for one person to eat. And the flabbergasted look the old lady gives, even I can recognize the humor it. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"She says if I'm gonna be a wolf then she might as well have fun with it. I grin at her. "You can do whatever you want, baby." But I like that she doesn't see it as a burden. "Especially have fun with it."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Again, I hear his laughter, and again, it fills me with a sense of warmth, to have eased his tension for just a bit. Jake always disses Paul and says that he laughs like a donkey, and I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. I love hearing him laugh, especially if it's because I made him. Which is why Jake always gets a whack in the head for that one. /p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;""Good," I say with a grin, bumping him in the hip. "Poor woman looked like she was gonna faint."/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"PAUL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"After she bumps my hip with hers, I lean over and kiss her lightly. "I love you, Rachel." I did. And I felt the need to make sure she knew it right now. Make sure she knew how grateful I was for her support. I needed her to even keep going right now. And she was there. In every way. Holding me together. Making me strong. Being strong for me when I knew she wanted to break down too./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"It didn't take long for us to get back to Mandy and Brady and to pass out the food. We ate mostly in silence except for the thank yous./p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"RACHEL/p
p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"I know he loves me. But his words right now mean everything, when we both need each other's love and support the most. "I love you too," I reply with feeling. The four of us eat in silence and spend the next couple of hours worrying, sitting, standing up, sitting, standing up, pacing. It's nearing dawn when the doctor emerges again and says that she's still unconscious but we can go in and see her. I take Paul's hand and squeeze it tightly. This is good. She's still stable, still okay. His mother's strong. She's going to make it/p