Chapter Nineteen
Willow walked into Tara's hospital room, surprised to find it empty.
She looked around in confusion as if her wife could be hiding under the bed.
"Tara?"
A toilet flushed and the bathroom door opened, where Tara tentatively walked back the few feet to the bed.
Willow's eyebrows gently rose on her head.
"Hey, look at you all walking around unaided!"
"I didn't break my legs," Tara replied a bit snarkily.
Willow frowned.
"No, I know but…" she trailed off and shook her head, "It doesn't matter, it's great to see. How are you feeling?"
Anxious, exhausted, alone, Tara thought.
"Fine," Tara said.
Willow's brow creased and she stepped toward the bed to help Tara get back up.
"Baby—"
"Good morning Mrs. Rose—" a voice entered the room before a body, but then Dr. Beaver walked in and smiled pleasantly when she saw them both there, "Mesdames Rosenberg-Maclay."
"No lab-coat wearing shadows today?" Willow asked good-naturedly but Tara scowled at her.
"Willow," she chastised under her breath.
"No, I appreciate the laugh," Dr. Beaver held up an acquiescing hand, "I'm not on official rounds yet. I just came to say we're ready to discharge you."
Willow almost leaped out of her skin.
"Really?" she asked, a huge grin spreading across her face, "She can come home?"
Tara swallowed deeply.
Dr. Beaver nodded, standing at the foot of the bed as she crossed her arms loosely over her chest.
"I'm pleased with your progress, especially now that you're back up on your feet. You'll need to keep resting and you'll be limited in your activities but there's no reason you can't rest at home where I'm sure you'll be much more comfortable."
"I-I need to get to the babies," Tara asked with a lump of panic stuttering her voice.
"You can still get around by wheelchair for any distance you feel you're not able to walk," Dr. Beaver reassured, "You'll need to come back to get your staples out in about two weeks and we'll do a wound review but as long as you keep up with the anti-inflammatories and pain medication as needed there shouldn't be any complication."
Willow was physically bouncing on her toes.
"When can she go?"
"I've signed off the papers. Pharmacy should be ready by lunchtime," Dr. Beaver smiled at Willow, then came up alongside Tara and placed a hand on a bed near Tara's hand, "You've been exceptionally brave during a very hard blow being dealt to you."
She looked at Tara with admiration.
"So remember — rest, absolutely no heaving lifting or driving and listen to your body if it's saying enough is enough."
She looked between them easily.
"We'll give you all of the information, don't worry."
"I've read up all about it," Willow nodded diligently, "She won't even have to lift her own cup of tea."
Tara looked up between Willow and the doctor, who pushed herself away from the bed.
"You can go on up to the NICU. I know you're eager. We'll send a call up when we're ready to discharge you."
"Great!" Willow replied eagerly, rushing over to the corner to unfold the wheelchair that was leaning against the wall there, "Thanks, Dr. Beaver!"
"Thank you, doctor," Tara echoed quietly as the doctor left.
Willow popped open the wheelchair and wheeled it over to the bedside.
"Can you believe I got through this whole stay without laughing at her name once?" she asked as Tara shot her some side-eye as she carefully got out of bed and into the chair, "Okay, without laughing out loud?"
She squeezed Tara's shoulder and pushed Tara out the door, so excited she felt like popping a wheelie right there and then, but she resisted.
They went up to the NICU and went through the hand-washing procedure; the same routine of soaping and cleansing their arms that they both went through multiple times a day.
Willow offered a cheery hello to every nurse and parent she passed. She gave a particularly big one to nurse Genevieve.
"Tara gets to come home today!"
"Oh, that's wonderful," Genevieve replied, returning a big smile.
"How are the girls doing?" Tara asked as she was wheeled between them and put a hand in each incubator.
"Getting stronger," Genevieve replied with an encouraging nod, "No big changes, no overnight events. The doctors will be around soon to discuss the next steps."
Willow moved around to each incubator to put her hand in on the opposite side to Tara and greet the twins for the morning.
After a little while, she removed her hands and came up behind Tara, putting her hands on Tara's shoulders, making her jump.
"I'm going to leave you with the girls and go get a few things ready for you coming home."
Tara paled and turned her head frantically to Willow.
"How will I feed them?"
Willow frowned.
"Huh?"
"I-I've been using the pump in my room for them," Tara explained in a rushed, panicked tone.
Willow's frown deepened at how frantic Tara had become so quickly. She came around and kneeled in front of her.
"I'm sure you can still use the pump."
"But what about when I'm at home?" Tara asked, her chest rising faster with every word, "I have to pump every couple of hours."
Willow shook her head to herself; feeling so stupid for not thinking of it.
"Of course," she nodded quickly, "I'll go buy you one right now."
Tara's jaw tensed.
"It has to do both sides like the one here does."
"I'll go find out the exact model they use here and buy you one for home," Willow replied, taking both of Tara's hands as Tara closed her eyes, "Okay?"
Tara nodded, eyes still closed.
"Okay."
"Okay," Willow breathed softly, "Don't worry about a thing, okay? I love you."
She stood and pecked Tara's cheek then made her way back through the NICU and out to hunt down whoever was in charge of the breast pumps.
A few hours later she pushed into their house with her arms laden down with bags.
Ira popped his head out from the kitchen and quickly strode across to help her.
"What's all this?"
"Needed a breast pump," Willow huffed as she followed her father back into the kitchen and dropped the bags on the island, "I had to go to SEVEN baby stores just to find the damn thing."
Ira looked down, a little flustered.
"Oh, well, of course."
Willow got a glass from the cabinet and filled it with ice and water from the fridge. She took a big gulp and sighed.
"Tara's going to be pumping a lot so I'm going to need you to ix-nay that icky face when she's doing it. She really doesn't need to be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home."
"Of course," Ira nodded diligently, then looked at Willow curiously, "Wait. Is Tara coming home?"
Willow's smile lit up her face.
"Yes, they told us this morning. I needed to grab some other stuff too to make her comfortable but I'm going to go collect her soon."
Ira clasped his hands together.
"Oh, this is wonderful."
Willow left her glass in the sink and came to stand with her father.
"Dad, you and Michelle have been an absolute godsend. I don't know how I would have coped, how the kids would have…"
Ira unclasped his hands and held them in front of him, smiling softly.
"I know. It's time for us to go home."
Willow nodded a couple of times.
"I've actually been sleeping pretty well on the couch but she needs her bed."
"Will she be able for the stairs?" Ira asked with concern.
"Slowly at first, but yes," Willow confirmed, "It will be a good way to get her strength back up."
"Well, you are not to worry about meals. I've batch cooked and frozen enough for two weeks," Ira said with a helpful pep in his tone, "And Michelle will have no problem collecting Robyn in the mornings for daycare. And if there is anything else we can do…"
"I know, Dad," Willow looked up and found herself getting choked, "Truly. Thank you so much."
Ira kissed the top of Willow's head.
"I'm going to go change the sheets so Tara has fresh ones to get into."
Willow burst out laughing.
"What happened to you?"
"A good woman," Ira replied with an uncustomary wink.
"Ain't that the truth," Willow chuckled as they turned together to go up the stairs, "Are you wearing an apron?"
"Do you think it's slimming?" Ira asked back and they laughed together.
Together they changed the sheets and then went through the bedrooms and did the same in all of the kids' rooms so that Tara was coming home to a spick and span house that smelled like fresh laundry.
Willow paused at JJ's old room, what should be the twin's nursery, and looked at all of its bareness. She had everything that was needed to build the nursery, except maybe some new paint, but it was all sitting in boxes in the storage half of the attic bedrooms.
She thought she had more time.
She could only bear to look for a second; there were other things to focus on. More expedient matters.
Like getting Tara home.
Tara always (reluctantly) needed to rest during the afternoon so Willow figured it was about the right time to get over there and bring her home to settle in. Willow could actually feel her legs tingling with excitement when getting into the car knowing she was coming back with Tara.
She hadn't been lying when she said she'd been sleeping well on the couch; it was her couch and she was able to nab Tara's pillow, which smelled like her wife and was some small comfort to fight the nightmares. With the news of Tara coming home and something akin to a good night's sleep on her back, she felt positively spritely.
She hugged her father and thanked him again for all of his help and promised she'd be in touch soon. She then ran around, fixing up the last few necessities before jumping into the car to head back to the hospital. It was her happiest ride yet.
Practically humming, she stopped by Tara's unit first to check if the discharge papers were ready, which they were. Willow took everything she needed, thanked the nurses, and then made her way to the NICU where she scrubbed in and went over to Tara who was holding Lily tucked up against her bare skin.
It was such a beautiful sight for Willow and she stopped for a moment to appreciate it.
"Hey," she said softly as she approached and looked over Tara's shoulder to peer in at the bundle, "Hey little girl."
She reached in and tickled Lily's cheek, then quickly moved off to the side to put her hand in with Emily. She noticed the incubator had been angled to face Tara better, but she didn't think much of it.
"Hey, koala bear."
Tara looked up and smiled a real smile, one which had scarce graced her face since the night she gave birth.
"Willow, look closer."
Willow frowned in confusion and wasn't sure exactly where she was supposed to look closer. She peered into the incubator and tried to look past all of the tubes and wires. It took a moment for her to see it, but when she did, she gasped.
"Her eyes are open!" she said, almost jumping up and down on the spot; only her arm still in with Emily stopping her at all, "Her eyes are open!"
She bent down to look in from the side and got as close as possible to look at the little open slits on her daughter's face; weakly held open but alert behind it all.
"Hey, Emily. Hi. It's Momma. Hi. Oh, you have your Mommy's eyes."
She glanced over and met Tara's gaze for a moment.
"Strong."
Tara visibly swallowed and looked back down at Lily.
Willow focused back on Emily and stayed so long in that hunched position that her knees creaked with dissent when she finally rose again, having seen Tara's whole body start to slump.
"Hey. It's time."
Tara wanted to protest but she was physically unable. Willow called the nurses over to get Lily back into the incubator — it was time for her feeding anyway and Tara had expressed that morning for them. It didn't stop the front of her top becoming soaked when Lily let out a little wail as she was being transferred.
"Got you the pump you wanted," Willow whispered to Tara, mostly to distract them both from the heartbreaking sound, "With extra…bottles."
They both held Lily's hand, either side, as she settled back down, and only when Tara's head was close to bobbing on the spot did Willow start to push her away.
She nodded gratefully to the nurses tending to the twins and brought Tara out of there so she could get her rest.
Tara woke in the elevator and clutched her chest with a gasp.
"Hey, it's okay, just bringing you to the car," Willow reassured, "You're not holding Lily, don't worry."
Tara's eyes twitched as the elevator doors opened and her whole body bristled when they first got outside. It felt like a long time since she'd felt air and it was so cold compared to how hot the hospital was kept.
Willow had preempted this of course and settled a blanket around Tara as she helped her into the passenger seat of the car.
"There you go, baby. I'll turn the heat up as soon as I start the car."
She kissed Tara's cheek, who pulled the blanket up tighter and shifted uncomfortably at how the seat felt under her.
It felt surreal to step out onto their driveway at home when she'd been trapped inside the hospital walls for so many days. Everything felt open and vast and overwhelming. She quickly tried to take a step toward the house but was immediately reminded of her limitations and had to work to hide the flash of pain on her face from Willow.
Willow, thankfully, was off in a little ramble as she flicked through the keys to let them inside.
"…and I wasn't sure if you would want to go to bed or stay up but both rooms are ready for you wherever you'll be most comfortable."
Tara took a tender step over the threshold and held her arms to her chest. Everything looked…the same.
Why didn't it feel the same?
Tara finally realized Willow was looking at her expectedly and she used some muscle memory to replay the babble.
"Oh. I'll, um…I'll stay up to see the kids."
Willow nodded and rushed into the living room to make sure every pillow was perfectly fluffed.
"I got you lots of pads, the big ones so you wouldn't have to go up and down to the bathroom so much and I got new hot water bottles and one of those donut pillows and, and a shower chair so you can shower all on your own!"
Tara gently sat onto the couch, feeling the familiar sag of where it had yielded to her body every day for so many years. But now it just felt like it was sucking her body from her as an emptiness gaped between her legs.
"Thank you, Willow. That was very thoughtful," she said sincerely and tried to adjust into something akin to comfortableness, "Could I get that pillow, actually?"
Willow nodded quickly.
"Yeah, of course!" she said and rushed off to get it, returning moments later with it in her mouth, inflating it, "Yuwahsmlanuch?"
She popped the tab out of her mouth, sealing it.
"You want some lunch?" she tried again, "I think there's plenty of shakshuka and frozen knishes in the freezer."
Tara's eyebrow arched and Willow just smiled as she passed over the pillow.
"My dad cooked for us."
"That was incredibly kind of him," Tara replied and tried not to look as awkward as she felt as she situated the pillow beneath her, "Where is Robyn?"
"Daycare," Willow replied with a nod, "It's just…easier to keep sending her. Good for her to keep her routine, too. Michelle's been picking her up and dropping her off and she said she doesn't mind continuing."
Tara frowned.
"I can…"
Willow just shook her head.
"You can't drive for a few weeks, baby. Because of the—"
"Yes," Tara interrupted quietly, "Of course."
"But it's okay. Because we have a really great family who will help. We're okay, okay?" she said with a reassuring smile and nod, "Let me go see what kind of nosh I can get for you."
Tara rested her head back and closed her eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted all over again.
It felt like just a second when Willow's voice stirred her, but it must have been a lot longer since she had a plate in her hand with a cup of tea.
"Okay, I whipped you up some matzo brei but he actually put some brisket in the oven so dinner is all—" Willow stopped as she noticed she was rousing Tara from sleep, "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, I'm hungry," Tara replied sluggishly, actually forgetting for a moment the situation she was in until her breasts began to ache, "And I need to pump."
Willow quickly left Tara's lunch down on the end table beside her.
"I'll get you the pump."
Tara looked down at the cinnamon tea; the drink she'd had every day of her pregnancy and looked down at her belly, still rounder than before but with none of the swollen fullness of when her two little babies had been in there.
Safely.
Her eyes glazed over with tears as she felt like such a useless mother, unable to do the one basic thing she was supposed to do for her children. She took in a large gasping breath when she heard Willow's footsteps on the stairs and quickly grabbed the pump when it was presented to her so she could at least do something for them.
"Tara, are you okay?" Willow asked with a frown.
Tara didn't quite meet her gaze.
"Willow, you need to bring this back to the hospital when I'm done."
Willow's brow creased uncomfortably.
"Didn't they say we can keep it in the freezer and bring it in in a cool bag?"
"At nighttime, but I want them to have fresh as much as possible," Tara rushed off quickly.
Willow slowly sat down on the edge of the coffee table.
"I don't want to leave you here alone. What if you needed something?"
Tara's breath quickened but she hid it.
"I can walk. I just have to be careful."
Willow reached to scratch her ear, considering it.
"I guess JJ will be home soon. And I would like to hold Lily today," she said with a little pained pang in her tone, "Keep your phone on?"
"I will," Tara nodded quickly.
Willow stood up on the spot and bent down in front of Tara, leaving her hands in Tara's lap. She looked at her longingly.
"We missed you, Tara."
Tara felt like her whole body was quaking with the feeling of despair trying to crush her.
"I missed you too."
Willow smiled and put the plate back in Tara's lap.
"Eat your lunch. Keep your strength up."
Tara just nodded quickly and waited tensely to the sound of the whirring pump. She ate what she could because she knew her body needed fuel to produce milk and in a back corner of her mind she remembered the promise she'd made Willow not to do anything to risk their family. She couldn't fail them all again.
When the pump finished, she busied herself with securing the bottles and putting the little labels the NICU had printed for them to make sure they knew which milk to use. She secured it in the little cooler and called up to Willow to tell her it was ready.
Willow made sure Tara was set up with everything she might need and made off with the cooler and a triple kiss to Tara's cheek, which made Tara's eyes flash with guilt.
As soon as she heard Willow's car pull out of the driveway, her body jerked as she stopped tensing every muscle and a breath released in a strained exhale.
She closed her eyes tight, shook her head, and clenched her jaw, but it did nothing to stop the tears that began to flow down her cheeks.
She silently cried herself into sleep again and actually got some real rest despite the less than restful feelings that had prompted it.
She felt okay when she woke up, though wished she'd asked to go with Willow now. That was until she realized she'd been woken by something and it was the shouts of young children. She looked out the window and saw the school bus driving off, then the sound of a key in the door.
"Gramps?"
Tara felt her heart skip with something other than dread.
"Jake?"
"Mom?!" JJ's voice called out from the hallway, followed by the thump of his backpack on the floor as he ran in and saw Tara, "Mom!"
His voice and eyes were lit up but he seemed to remember just short that he couldn't jump all over Tara. Instead, he fell into the seat beside her and wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled his head into her chest.
"Mom!"
"Hello my boy," Tara greeted softly, kissing the top of JJ's head, "I missed you so much."
She ignored the fact that his squeezing was still a bit tight because it felt so warm.
"I heard you're being the best big brother."
JJ pulled his head back excitedly.
"Are the babies here too?"
Tara swallowed a lump.
"Not yet, sweetie," she shook her head, "Not yet."
"Oh," JJ replied sadly, "But you are?"
He looked so hopeful and Tara felt a peace settle over her.
She hadn't failed them all.
There was someone here she could still 'mom'. She took his cheeks in her hands.
"I'm here, little love. Let me get you a snack."
"No, I can do it!" JJ replied, jumping up quickly. He made a move to go out the door, then ran back to hug Tara again, gentle and tender, "I'm so glad you're home, Mommy."
Tara closed her eyes, hiding a different kind of tear this time.
She hadn't been 'Mommy' in a while.
She closed the hug and felt the love from her sweet son and kissed the side of his face several times.
This was what she'd promised. This was what she had to remember in those worst moments when she didn't want to keep the promise at all. She tried to pretend those never existed.
"Me too, Jakey. Me too. Do you know what happened?"
JJ nodded under Tara's chin and looked up.
"Momma told me you got your baby bag out when the twins were born so we have to be really careful in case you get poked and bleed inside. Don't worry Mom, I'll protect you."
He hugged her again, then pulled away and smiled.
"Do you wanna challah roll, Mom?"
Tara cracked a smile at Ira's obvious influence. She had a lot to thank him for.
"I'm okay honey, I had lunch not too long ago. You go get one for yourself."
JJ hurried off into the kitchen and when he returned minutes later he had a glass of milk in one hand and a challah roll in the other piled high with Nutella. Tara let it go because that big smile was still plastered on his face as he sat on the floor at the coffee table and really, she hadn't been here. She didn't know what had been allowed.
Behind JJ, Woofy followed and Tara suddenly realized he must have been home the whole time, which of course he was. Where else would he be?
"Woofy," she said in surprise, and he came over and jumped on the couch beside her to say hello, "Where was he?"
"In the back yard," JJ answered around a big mouthful of bread.
Tara scratched Woofy's head and he put his chin on her thigh, showing his appreciation.
"I didn't know, I would have let him in."
"It's okay, Mom, he likes it back there," JJ looked back with chocolate smeared on his lips, "I think he has a crush on the dog next door."
Tara found herself amused at the thought.
"The little sausage dog?"
JJ nodded.
"Yeah, he pokes his head through the fence to see her. Maybe they can have puppies!"
"Sorry honey, but Woofy was neutered," Tara let him down gently, "That means he can't have any puppies."
Woofy put his paw over his nose in dissatisfaction at the reminder.
"Oh," JJ replied sadly, "Poor Woofs. I think he wants to be a Daddy."
Tara looked over at JJ curiously.
"Why do you think that?"
JJ shrugged one shoulder as he dipped some challah in his milk.
"He just thinks it looks cool," he surmised and popped the last bit of his snack into his mouth, "Will you help me do my homework, Mom?"
"Of course," Tara replied and found herself going on autopilot, "Bring your dishes to the sink, please. And wash your face."
JJ smiled even wider and jumped up to do everything he was instructed, apparently thrilled to do so.
Some normality.
He came back with his backpack and sat where he was before, at Tara's feet. Whilst Tara helped him pick out his trapezoids from his parallelograms and gently petted Woofy, she surprised herself at how normal she felt too.
When JJ was finishing up there was another key in the door and Woofy's head rose in alert and he jumped down to investigate. There was a shrill, excited squeal that Tara recognized and found her own heart speeding up with excitement.
Michelle walked through into the living room, where Robyn was squirming to get out of her arms.
"There's my little bean!" Tara said affectionately, turning her body softly toward them.
"Remember gently, like we talked about," Michelle encouraged as she set Robyn down but held her by the back of her overalls so she didn't run and jump at Tara.
She helped Robyn climb up onto the couch and into Tara's lap without incident and pressed a kiss to her niece's cheek while she was close.
"So glad you're home sweetheart. Willow called me. She's on her way back too. She asked me to take the brisket out of the oven."
"I can—can't, can I?" Tara started and swallowed as she was reminded yet again of her broken body but Robyn didn't let her dwell too much as she vied for attention, "Hi baby, I see you. Mommy is so happy to see you."
Michelle snuck off to take care of dinner after kissing JJ hello.
"Mom-mee, Mom-mee, Mom-mee!"
"Robbie, Robbie, Robbie," Tara countered sweetly, "Don't bounce on me, good girl."
Her voice was gentle but that swirling feeling of being out of control was starting to settle over her again as she realized how catastrophic an excited foot to the gut would be.
In all the jostling, Tara noticed the pacifier hooked onto Robyn's shirt. She clutched it in confusion.
"What are you doing with this?"
Robyn's cheeks suddenly went red and her nostrils flared angrily as she snatched it back.
"MINE!"
Tara's weary eyes widened.
"Don't snatch, Rob—"
"No!" Robyn screamed, having gone from 0 to 100 in less than a second.
Tara had to bring her arms in front of her to protect her middle from attack at the way Robyn was blowing up.
"Robyn stop, you're going to hurt me."
"Robyn STOP!" JJ screamed and pulled Robyn right off of Tara to the floor, where she began to kick and scream and cry.
JJ looked up at Tara with concern.
"Mom, are you okay? Did she hurt you?"
"No, sweetheart, I'm okay," Tara replied though her heart was hammering in her chest.
"Tara?" Michelle asked from the doorway, having rushed in when she heard the screeching.
"I'm okay, she didn't kick me," Tara said, gently pressing her own stomach as if to check.
The front door slammed and then Willow was in the room, trying to assess the chaos.
"What's going on?!"
JJ stood between Tara and Robyn helplessly.
"She almost kicked Mom."
Willow's eyes flew to Tara.
"Are you okay?!"
"Yes," Tara affirmed for the third time but was more focused on her daughter in hysterics on the floor, "But she's not."
Willow quickly hurried over and plucked Robyn up into her arms.
"C'mon Robbie."
She brought Robyn out of the room and Tara noticed as they passed that there was a small, darker patch on the seat of Robyn's overalls.
The crying subsided as they went upstairs and the others were left in a tense room.
"JJ, will you help me in the kitchen?" Michelle asked just to break it, "The table needs to be set."
"No," Tara said suddenly and brought herself to a ginger standing position, "Thank you so much for everything, Michelle. But I can set my table. I can do that, at the very least."
She looked at Michelle as surely as she could and Michelle nodded that she understood. She came over to kiss Tara's cheek again.
"On the end of the phone if you need us," she said, keeping Tara's gaze for a moment.
Tara nodded sincerely.
"I can never thank you enough," she said, her voice starting to break, but she reined it in.
"You never have to," Michelle smiled back, "JJ, I'll see you soon. I think Grandpa is bringing you to basketball this weekend."
"Bye," JJ waved, hovering close to Tara.
She left again and Tara put an arm around JJ's shoulders.
"Mom, I don't want to go to basketball this weekend," he said when she was out the door.
Tara frowned.
"Why?"
"I-I wanna be here if you need help," JJ gulped.
Tara's eyes closed and she stood in front of JJ and cupped either ear to angle his head to look up at her.
"I want you to go to basketball. Okay? I want you to."
JJ kept Tara's gaze and finally nodded.
"Okay," he agreed eventually.
"Okay," Tara smiled, "Will you help me get dinner on the table?"
"Yeah," JJ agreed easily, "I can carry the big pot. Gramps showed me how to use oven mitts!"
"Your grandpa is full of surprises," Tara replied, ruffling JJ's hair.
Carrying nothing heavier than a single plate at a time, Tara set the places for dinner while JJ beamed at being a little chef and carrying all of the food dishes in. Willow brought Robyn back downstairs, changed into her pajamas early, which was unusual because she could be a messy eater, but Tara didn't question it since Robyn was quiet again.
Robyn padded over to Tara in the dining room and looked up with her big, bright blue eyes.
"Mom-mee I sowwy."
Tara glanced at Willow, who fell, exhausted, into her seat and started to dish up. She looked back down at Robyn and stroked her strawberry-blonde locks.
"It's okay. But you can't hit or kick anyone ever, especially not me right now. I have a big owwie inside my tummy and it could make it lots worse. Do you understand?"
Robyn nodded diligently and Tara smiled at her.
"Do you want to sit beside me?"
Robyn nodded even more eagerly this time and dragged her chair over to sit beside Tara in her booster seat.
She picked up a piece of brisket in her hand and started chomping on it.
"Mom-mee, yu go 'way 'gain"?
"No baby. I'm not going away again," she said softly, "And please don't speak with your mouth full."
Robyn just leaned forward to grab more meat and as she did so, Tara noticed some crinkling behind her jammie bottoms. She reached over and touched it, then frowned.
Dinner was uneventful, mostly Willow filling the kids in on how the babies were doing with lots of questions from JJ. Willow cleared the heavy dishes away when they were finished while Tara got the kids' small bowls of ice-cream and left them to watch some cartoons together.
"Willow, can I talk to you?" Tara asked as she walked into the kitchen, closing the door behind her, "Why is Robyn in a diaper?"
"It's just a pull-up," Willow said defensively, then turned to face Tara and massaged the back of her own neck, "She's been having some accidents. And some tantrums."
"I noticed," Tara said pointedly, crossing her arms over her chest, "I thought we got rid of binky months ago."
Willow's body was tense and alert for a few seconds, then just completely slumped.
"I'm sorry, Tara. I've been trying my best," she said, her voice near tears.
The tone snapped Tara to attention and she suddenly felt overcome by the same emotion.
"I've been so focused on the twins, I've completely neglected my other children."
Willow looked up sharply.
"Tara, no," she said, striding over to take Tara's hands, "You've been recovering from an insane birth and major surgery. You couldn't be here. Nobody thinks less of you for it."
Tara rubbed the heel of her hand against her eyes, which were now starting to leak.
"JJ's turned into an adult, Robyn's gone back to being a baby! Everything is falling apart so hard."
Willow shook her head quickly from side to side.
"It's my fault. I took the easy routes, I let Robyn have her binky because it shut her up for a second," she said, tears forming in her eyes now too, "Okay, that's the truth. I'm the one who neglected them."
She threw her hands up.
"This is so hard. I feel like I don't have enough limbs with all of the directions I'm being pulled. I don't know how to take care of all of you! I keep swinging from highs to lows. I couldn't wait to get you home and now I can't stop crying."
Willow heaved some sobs into her hands and Tara didn't know how they'd gotten to this point so fast. Her hands hovered helplessly over Willow. She couldn't actually deal with this on top of everything.
"Can you do a schedule?" she blurted after a few moments.
It had somewhat of an effect, as Willow was surprised enough to look up to question it.
"Huh?"
"C-Can you draw up a schedule?" Tara repeated, rubbing her temple.
"A-A schedule?" Willow asked, brow furrowing.
Tara nodded.
"So we have the time we need with all of the kids."
Willow's brow slowly evened out.
"I could make a schedule," she nodded, her eyes beginning to light up through the glassy tears, "Color-coded with different colored pens!"
Tara breathed a sigh of relief. Some part of her brain still knew how to help Willow.
Your wife.
"I think that would be helpful."
"Yeah, I can do that," Willow nodded quickly, taking in deep breaths to calm herself, "I'm so sorry about Robyn. I dropped the ball."
Tara nodded understandingly.
"We'll just have to work with her. We've already overcome it with her, we can do it again."
Willow's eyes filled with fresh but less frantic tears and she extremely gently enveloped Tara in a hug.
"I needed you home so badly."
Tara closed her eyes and closed the hug.
My wife.
"I needed to be home, apparently," she said softly and spent the next minute genuinely trying and failing to ignore the sudden aches in her breasts, "I'm sorry, Willow, I have to pump."
Willow wiped her eyes and pulled away from the hug.
"Of course," she nodded, smiling again, "No, I feel so much better. We can do this. We just need to get a little more organized. Which I am so on top of! I'll start a schedule right now!"
She squeezed Tara's hand once more and didn't see the way Tara's spine jumped in fear.
"Everything's going to be okay."
Tara just nodded and repeated it in her head, hoping if she did it often enough that she would believe it.