Remus lay on the comfortable couch with his head resting on Lily's lap. She ran her one hand gently through his hair, holding a book in the other. Harry sat on his stomach, looking down at him. Every time Remus made a new funny face he let out his strange little baby laugh and waved his arms up and down.
When Remus had showed up a few hours ago, Lily had embraced him with a hot cup of tea and gentle reassurances. She was well aware of what had happened between him and Sirius. She also knew him well enough to know that he would never have done something like that in his right mind and that nobody would be punishing him more than himself.
When he said he didn't want to talk about it, she accepted his wishes, and they had spent the afternoon relaxing in silence.
Sirius had done what he said he would. He came back after his night at James and Lily's and they talked some more. It was tense. Very tense. They hadn't really come to any resolutions, but they agreed on a few key points and would be making an effort to move forward from there.
The first point was that they both still wanted to be together. This was a given on Remus' side, but he was incredibly relieved to hear Sirius say that he felt the same. Sirius had been hurt by this.
The second was that Remus would be sleeping on the couch. This was strictly insisted upon by Sirius, and then disregarded in the wee hours of that same night when neither of them could sleep and found themselves both standing out on the balcony in an attempt to clear their heads. They weren't interested in talking anymore, and quickly found themselves in bed together doing the one thing they'd managed to consistently do well at their entire relationship before finally managing to fall asleep.
The third was that Remus was going to get a fucking grip, stop acting like an impulsive idiot, and take some fucking responsibility for his actions for change rather than making pathetic excuses. By that point Sirius' anger had gotten the better of him, and he left for a walk shortly after, slamming the door behind him.
Remus did not have a clear plan for how to follow through on point three, but he had decided that at the very least, nights out partying were off the table. He couldn't be in that kind of position again. No, he'd be leaving all of his impulsive, stupid, selfish choices strictly for home.
He was really trying very hard to just make good choices. Choices like not starting his days with heroin. So far, he had managed to develop a fun little routine were every time he used, he convinced himself it would be the last time he would do it, that he would just stop tomorrow, etc. etc. Then when he would come down, he would despise himself even more than before, making it that much harder to stand the feeling of being sober.
So all in all, it was going great.
After a few days there was an emerging routine of him sitting around all day smoking heroin (he'd switched back to his sneaky cigarettes in an effort to avoid more fights) and then spending his evenings with him and Sirius both desperately trying to get back to normal before Sirius inevitably snapped at him and stormed off to be alone, or left to hang out with James.
That morning had started with him getting high (again) followed by him coming down and hating himself (even more) some time around lunch. It was about that time he decided he couldn't stand to be alone with himself for even a split second longer and showed up at Lily's unannounced.
It was a good choice. A responsible choice. The kind of choices he was supposed to be making. He genuinely felt better with her and Harry showing him nothing but love. Being around them always made him want to be the best version of himself. In fact, he imagined that was probably how everyone felt around them. That was a gift Lily had that she had surely passed down to her son.
As he lay with his head in her lap, playing with Harry, the fireplace lit up bright green. He sat up quickly, shifting Harry to his lap. He looked over at Lily, whose body language was suddenly stiff. Remus hadn't seen James since his monumental mistake and wasn't sure what to expect, but Lily's tension did not reassure him.
James emerged from the fireplace with a grin, already calling out to Harry before he'd even stepped out. His smile fell when he spotted Remus, looking up at him cautiously.
"Moony, what a pleasant surprise," he said, the familiar nickname almost mocking.
He walked forward to Lily and kissed her hello. She greeted him warmly, but her tension returned as he knelt down in front of Remus and grabbed Harry, standing up with him and tickling his belly a little, eliciting a happy squeal.
"I'm going to give him his bath upstairs. I'll be down later," he said to Lily, but with a glance towards Remus.
"I'll shout out when dinner's ready," Lily said as she shot him a warning look.
They'd talked a lot about what happened (she'd been there to comfort Sirius, too), and she'd been very clear that hostility from James wouldn't help anyone, but he had a long history of not being able to shut the hell up, especially when he was feeling self-righteous about something.
He just gave a curt smile, heading for the stairs. As he walked away, bouncing Harry in his arms, she thought he would actually make it out of the room without comment. When he reached the base of the stairs he called back over his shoulder in a deceptively casual voice.
"Glad you're having a nice time with my wife, Moony, but try not to snog her, yeah? At least not until we're out of the room. Think of the children," he said, covering Harry's eyes dramatically with his hand, causing Harry to reach up and grasp his fingers.
As James disappeared, Remus leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. Lilly rubbed at her forehead and vowed that James would be paying for that later. Remus sat back up after a moment.
"I should go," he said quietly, starting to get up.
Lily put a hand on his shoulder, stilling him. "Talk to me Remi."
He sighed a very deep, very tired sigh, then turned to sit cross legged on the couch, facing her. Her eyes were filled with concern.
"I don't know what to do, Lily," he admitted sadly.
"Give it time, love."
"I don't think time can fix what's wrong with me."
"And what do you think that is?" she asked gently.
"I can't stop making stupid choices no matter how much I try," he said, running a hand through his hair.
Lily thought for a moment before she spoke, considering exactly how she wanted to phrase her next question. Trying to get him to open up could be like pulling teeth sometimes, and the last thing she wanted to do was say something to make him shut down again.
"Remi, sweetheart, when you look back over those choices, how many of them were in some way related to drinking or drugs?"
He looked down at his hands for a moment. If anyone would try to understand, not dismiss him, it would be Lily. He looked up again, meeting her gaze dead on.
"I-" have a problem. She already thinks so. Just say it. "I'm going to go. Thank you for the tea and company."
He stood up, leaning down to offer a hug before he left. She hugged him back very tightly. He tried not to look at her when he pulled away, not able to stand the sight of her sadness knowing it was his fault.
He headed out through the door, deciding to go for a walk rather than fluing directly home. He needed to clear his head a bit before dealing with Sirius. He wandered around Godric's Hollow. He made his way into the graveyard near the town square, strolling through the rows of headstones.
He'd had it drilled into him almost his entire life that hiding was the only option. That if he revealed too much of himself, he would be shunned, abandoned, maybe worse. His own parents could barely stand to speak out loud about the darker parts of him. He learned young that if he tried to talk about it, all it did was cause them pain. He saw that same fear all the time now in people who refused to say Voldemort's name.
He was just so fucking sick of himself. Sick of hiding. Now he'd managed to alienate his oldest friends who had always stayed with him even knowing the worst of him, and Lily still loved him anyway for some baffling reason. All he wanted to do was admit it out loud. To take this part of himself and put it to words. Even if he couldn't stop it, even if he couldn't, or wouldn't change it, if he could just say it out loud maybe it would be a little easier to carry.
Maybe Sirius was right and it was all just an excuse. Maybe he was just weaker than all of them. He looked around at the graves, stretching out in front of him and thought about how nice it would be to rest for a while.
As soon as the thought crossed his mind he decided it was time to go home.