This episode was always going to need some adjusting in a timeline where Zen kept going after "Jackie Bags Hyde," and it was a lot of fun to write. It's another partial script, and context should be clear on each scene for those familiar with the episode. It's also a continuation of a goal I had from the Season 4 finale - playing in more to Hyde's eventual paranoia about how committed Jackie is.
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY
Alone in the basement, HYDE and JACKIE lie across the couch, making out. From behind the door, in the stairwell, FEZ's voice wafts through, singing.
FEZ (v.o.):
Oh, say can you see...
Oh, say can you see...
Hearing Fez, Hyde and Jackie freeze up.
HYDE:
What the hell?
JACKIE:
Fez!
She gives him a push upright and sits up herself. They straighten out and settle on opposite ends of the couch just as Fez enters the basement.
FEZ:
Oh, say can you see...
(beat)
Wait a second. You two look sweaty and guilty. Have you been eating my candy?
JACKIE:
What candy?
FEZ:
I didn't say candy. And I certainly don't have any candy hidden in the garage.
(beat)
I will be in the garage.
He turns around and heads back out the door.
JACKIE:
(sighs)
Steven, that was way too close. You need to learn to keep your hands off me.
HYDE:
Me? You're the one who can't keep her tongue to herself.
JACKIE:
Look, this isn't going to stay a secret if you can't control yourself, so shape up.
HYDE:
You know what your problem is? You're really cute, so no one ever told you to shut your pie-hole.
JACKIE:
(beat)
You think I'm cute?
HYDE:
Shut your pie-hole!
Insult notwithstanding, they throw themselves at each other and get back at it.
MAIN CREDITS
EXT. BASEMENT STAIRWELL - NIGHT
ERIC and DONNA, returning from the Pinciotti house, descend the stairs. Donna is still in her school uniform.
ERIC:
I can't believe they're making you wear those knee-high socks every day.
He pulls a face of delight and pumps his fist. Donna shakes her head and throws open the door to:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
The sight of Hyde and Jackie making out on the couch. At the sound of the door opening they both look up, a pair of deer in the headlights. Eric and Donna break into matching wide-eyed grins.
DONNA:
What the hell?
JACKIE:
Oh, my God.
ERIC:
Oh, the humanity!
DONNA:
Jackie!
JACKIE:
(to Hyde)
Get off me!
She shoves him to the other end of the couch. Hyde looks over Donna's uniform.
HYDE:
(to Donna)
Great outfit!
Eric shrugs and nods as Jackie and Donna both glare at Hyde.
FADE TO BLACK
COMMERCIAL
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
Moments later. Donna remains by the doorway, mouth hanging open. Jackie and Hyde are still on the couch. Eric paces up and down behind it.
DONNA:
It happened. It finally happened.
ERIC:
We joked. We mocked. We did all we could to make light of it, because the idea of it becoming a reality was just too horrible!
He makes a show of throwing his hands to the sky. Donna is still grinning.
DONNA:
(to Hyde)
You know, with that beard, it's like Sabrina Duncan was Frenching Grizzly Adams.
HYDE:
(to Donna)
Hey, Ann-Margret, you're the one who came back from California so's you could make out with Opie.
He stands, paces behind his chair.
JACKIE:
(to Eric, Donna)
Okay. So, you two are probably wondering what's going on...
HYDE:
Hold up there, Jaq. I reserve my right to remain silent. Good cop, sexy cop here ain't breaking me.
He sits in his chair, looks up at Donna.
HYDE (cont'd):
Though I might have a little trouble resisting orders from that uniform.
JACKIE:
Yeah. Look, can we not make a big deal about this? This was just a summer fling.
ERIC:
(beat)
"Was?"
JACKIE:
"Was" what?
ERIC:
You said "was." "It was a summer fling."
DONNA:
Wait... so does that mean it's over now, or...
Jackie's eyes dart to Hyde, and Hyde looks to her. They both shift in their seats.
ERIC/DONNA:
OH!/WOW!
Eric and Donna both cry out, march around in place, and pull wild, amused faces as Jackie and Hyde roll their eyes.
Fez strolls in through the open door. The first thing he sees is Donna in her uniform.
FEZ:
(to Donna)
Well, well. Naughty ladies wear plaid.
DONNA:
Fez, please.
KELSO:
That's right. Beg for it, sexy schoolgirl.
DONNA:
Fez, it finally happened.
FEZ:
The Playboy Bunnies are coming to Point Place?
DONNA:
No – Jackie and Hyde!
Fez considers for a second, then realizes what she means.
FEZ:
OH!
Fez's eyes go wide, and he beings to march in place and pull the same wild faces as Eric and Donna did. Jackie, unamused, looks to Hyde, who puts a hand over his face.
ERIC:
I just... I can't – I can't – I can't – I can't -
HYDE:
Hey, Porky Pig, shut your porker.
DONNA:
(to Jackie)
So when you said "summer fling," how long does that mean this has been going on?
JACKIE:
(sighs)
Since the night you and Michael left for California.
ERIC:
Since the night they – what?
FEZ:
And you could not tell your friends? Kelso was gone, Donna was gone, I had no woman – Fez went the whole summer without a show, dammit!
DONNA:
(to Jackie)
Were you even broken up with Kelso by then?
ERIC:
(gasps)
Kelso!
The grin slides off his face. He looks away from the others, his hands going over his mouth.
HYDE:
(to Eric)
Settle down, Esmerelda.
ERIC:
Okay, just pick a name and stick to it!
JACKIE:
(to Donna, Fez)
Look, Michael ran out on me before he even left for California. I was so over him. And... well, like you said, Donna, I was ready to find someone else. And Steven was there.
FEZ:
I was there too!
(to Hyde)
You sent me home that night, you son of a bitch!
JACKIE:
No Fez, I mean he's been there. And I needed a fling, and that's what Steven does. Even though he didn't have his hobo-beard then.
Fez and Donna, still amused, look to Hyde for his side of the story.
HYDE:
(shrugs)
She's hot.
FEZ:
Oh, please. We've known about you all along, Johnny Cool.
Donna nods. Jackie looks to Hyde, who shrugs again.
Eric crosses to the couch, leans on the back.
ERIC:
Hang on, guys. Now, look – joking around is one thing. Attraction is one thing, whether it's...
(points at Fez)
A freaky, foreign flame...
(points to Jackie)
A crazy cheerleader crush...
(points to Hyde)
Or the unholy pull of the devil on a hellraiser. But actually dating within the group? This is not good, okay? Kelso is gonna freak out.
Donna's and Fez's faces both fall.
DONNA/FEZ:
Oh, God./Ai!
JACKIE:
And why does Michael need to know?
ERIC:
Because you're breaking up the band, Yoko!
DONNA:
He's right. This is gonna be really bad.
(to Jackie)
I mean, when Kelso finds out that his best friend is your new boyfriend -
JACKIE:
He is not my boyfriend!
HYDE:
I'm not her boyfriend!
(to Jackie)
They just don't get it.
JACKIE:
No, why would they?
(beat)
Let's go, baby.
They both stand, and she leads him out the door.
Eric and Donna move to sit on the couch while Fez remains standing by the door.
ERIC:
Jackie and Hyde. Batman and Catwoman. James Bond and Pussy Galore's bitchy little sister.
DONNA:
No, this could work out. I mean, Hyde's been a good influence on her anyway.
ERIC:
Donna, he's taught her the basics of vandalism, carjacking, and breaking and entering.
DONNA:
All right, so the curriculum is evil, but just the act of making her think is something. And he won't admit it, but Jackie brings out Hyde's soft side. This could be good.
ERIC:
Yeah. And, if it doesn't work out... I mean, we've broken up once, and Jackie and Kelso have broken up way, way more than once and we're all still friends. It might not be so bad.
FEZ:
Yes. Kelso might even be happy for them, and not do anything stupid.
They all take a beat to think about that.
DONNA:
It's gonna be bad.
ERIC/FEZ:
Oh, yeah./And how.
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY
Once Fez and KELSO are gone, Hyde gets up from his chair, snags "Rolling Stone" from the coffee table, and sits next to Jackie on the couch. Jackie leans in slightly to read over his shoulder.
Eric gets off the back of the couch and moves behind Donna in the lawn chair. They both look to Jackie and Hyde and grin. Jackie and Hyde keep reading, not looking up, but Donna and Eric keep grinning. Finally, Hyde flips the magazine down in frustration.
HYDE/JACKIE:
Shut up!
Eric and Donna giggle.
DONNA:
Wow. You two are already doing the couple doublespeak? It's like Siamese twins – but, you know, no incest.
ERIC:
Still going with the "summer fling" story, huh?
HYDE:
Yes. And this is why we didn't wanna tell you. So I fooled around with a chick. It's what I do all the time anyway.
JACKIE:
Yeah. And I just needed to clear my head. I didn't need another relationship. And, if I did, I didn't want it to turn into Lady and the Tramp.
(points at Hyde's beard)
I mean, look how scruffy that thing is!
DONNA:
You do know every part of that was in the past tense, right?
ERIC:
Oh, this is so a relationship now.
HYDE:
I don't do relationships.
DONNA:
Well, whatever it is, if you keep it up, you should tell Kelso.
ERIC:
Yeah, or this is gonna get ugly. "Creature from the Black Lagoon" ugly.
JACKIE:
Okay, look – Michael doesn't need to know about this, okay? In fact... we'll just break it off right now.
HYDE:
(beat)
Look, there's nothing to even break off, so it's fine by me.
ERIC:
(beat)
Okay.
DONNA:
Okay.
ERIC:
Good. Donna, now that you're attending Catholic school, let us go and see if one of the priests will perform an exorcism in my basement.
They exit out the basement door.
Hyde puts back up the magazine, but Jackie gently grabs his arm.
JACKIE:
Steven, I don't want to break this off.
HYDE:
Hey, you're the one who keeps calling it a summer fling. If we're gonna break it off, let's break it off now.
JACKIE:
No.
(nods to door)
They were right. This isn't a fling anymore. I mean, I like how scruffy you are.
HYDE:
Man, you were a whole lot easier to deal with when you just sickened me like you're supposed to.
(sighs)
All right, fine. Let's just go from here.
He tosses "Rolling Stone" onto the coffee table and cups Jackie's face in his hands.
JACKIE:
Okay, now – what about Michael?
HYDE:
Details, baby, details.
He pulls her in, and they start to make out.