AN: Thank you again everyone for your incredible support with this story, it truly means the world!

Chapter Eighteen

Ana woke her eyelids still heavy and her body aching. It had been a long night, plagued by nightmares that would have her terrified that she was back in Mister and Madam's clutches, back in that room where she was gang-raped. If it hadn't been for Grace, sleeping beside her all night, waking with her every single time, calming her racing mind and letting her cry it out, she didn't know how she'd have survived the night. She rolled to her side to where Grace was still fast asleep feeling grateful to have a guardian angel with her right now.

Grace was an angel, Ana decided. She had to be to have done what she had done last night. She had held her, listened to her, and cried right along with her. Not once did she make Ana feel to blame, not once did she ask horrid questions like why she behaved in certain ways. Ana couldn't believe how easy it had been to tell Grace the whole truth once she had started. It was like the tap had opened and it just came flooding out.

There was a relief there that she had finally said it all out loud to someone, but at the same time now it was more vivid than ever in her mind. Even just lying here looking at Grace's peaceful face, she battled those memories, willing them back into those boxes in the back of her mind to lay to rest once more. It just wasn't going to be that simple though.

Ana stretched out and glanced at the clock. It was still early but she knew if things were going as usual Mrs Jones would be up making the coffee. The pot was always made for when Christian woke and he was an early riser. It was impossible not to be with it being summer and the huge glass wall letting the sunshine in. Ana dragged herself out of bed and headed through to the great room to let Grace have a bit more sleep.

"Good morning Ana." Mrs Jones smiled, glad to see the young woman up and out of bed. She knew everything that had happened with the officer of course, but she didn't know about the night of revelations she'd had with Grace.

"Good morning." She replied with a smile, it was good to see Mrs Jones and feel ordinary again, even if only for a brief moment.

"Coffee?" She asked already going for the pot.

"Please." Ana replied as she climbed onto the barstool. She was so stiff this morning, ever muscle and bone in her body ached. She needed to have her coffee, pull herself together and get ready for work and put this all behind her again, despite what the police officer had said the previous evening, nothing had changed. She was still Ana Steel who'd had a shit life and she just needed to remember she was the same girl that arrived home from work yesterday, happy, safe and settled. Her life had become so good with Christian. He told her he loved her, she found out that men could be protective and kind, she'd discovered sex could be pleasurable. Then that Police Officer came along and ruined it all. She knew Christian was also partly to blame, he had gone looking into her past where he had no business being. She sighed and put her head in her hands just as footsteps drew her attention.

"Good morning sweetheart." Grace smiled softly as she walked into the room. "How are you feeling?"

" 'M ok." Ana mumbled.

"Tea or Coffee Dr Trevelyan?" Mrs Jones asked as she placed a coffee in front of Ana.

"Coffee please Gail." Grace replied sliding onto a stool beside Ana, her eyes tired but aware of the emotional need of the young woman beside her.

"Thank you…" Ana said turning to look at Grace who looked like she'd aged overnight. "For staying with me, for listening." Grace took Ana's hand in her own on the breakfast bar and looked into her blue eyes.

"You are not on your own anymore Ana, we'll get through this, together. Ok?" She wanted to give Ana all the reassurance in the world right now, because she felt Ana needed it. Ana simply gave a small, timid nod though because she didn't know how she'd deal with this now.

"I need to go get ready for work." She said picking up her coffee.

"You're not going today." Grace replied and before Ana could retort Grace's hand came up. "Christian has already spoken to your boss, said you have the flu. She says get well soon." She added the last bit with a smile and Ana looked at the ceiling and took a deep inhale. Work was her normality, why did Christian feel the need to interfere in her life so much? She liked working, she wanted to go to work. "Pick your battles Ana, this one isn't worth it." Grace told her and Ana looked at her momentarily surprised. "You've got an uphill climb in front of you, this thing with work, isn't worth it." Ana realised Grace was right, of course she was, wise old Grace. Ana nodded, giving in, and turned back to the breakfast bar to enjoy her coffee in Grace's company, pretending that there was some normality here even if it was anything but.

When the coffee was finished Grace went to use the bathroom in the spare bedroom while Ana went back to hers and Christian's room. As the scolding water beat down on her back, she wished the horrors she had lived through could just wash down the drain. It was only since she'd been with Christian, she had ever really felt clean. It was after that bath he ran for her, with the rose bubble bath after she'd been stabbed. She came out of the water and for the first time in her life she hadn't felt she wanted to rip her own skin off. That feeling of being dirty was back though. She grabbed at the loofah and scrubbed herself until every inch of her body was red raw. It was the most horrendous feeling. Despite knowing she wasn't, she felt that her skin showed the world her dirty secrets and the overwhelming need to scrub it all away won out. When she finally felt too sore to scrub anymore; she climbed out of the shower and headed into the closet.

It took her all of five minutes to drag on a pair of leggings and knowing how much comfort Christian's embrace bought her, she decided to help herself to one of his jackets. She hoped it would help remind her of the good times they'd shared together rather than the betrayal she felt right now. If only he hadn't gone digging! Things had been so good between them until he decided to open a can of worms that wasn't his to open.

John Flynn had received a call from Christian late last night, asking him please to go and support his mother and girlfriend at the Escala penthouse the next morning. When Christian had explained some of what had happened and how Ana reacted, John knew he was being asked to go at Grace's request and he was happy to oblige.

Some of the things Christian had said worried him though. There was no hard and fast rule about counselling and giving therapy to adults who have suffered childhood sexual violence. This wasn't something a textbook could give him the answer to or something medicine would help heal. Instead, he would have to see how Ana was, where her head was at and how she wanted to proceed before he could even suggest a therapeutic way forward. That would not be easy, especially as it had become clear that after Christian had told Ana the news of her beginning, she had entered what therapists like himself called 'the crisis zone' and if Ana was still in crisis it would be near impossible to offer much in terms of counsel.

He went up the elevator to the penthouse and was met by a man he had never seen before, who quickly introduced himself as Ana's personal protection officer. He was led through to the open plan living space. It wasn't his first time at Christian's penthouse. After all, they were friends, but he was surprised to find a very anxious-looking Grace jumping off the couch as he entered. He'd never seen Grace looking anything but calm and put together, yet here she was, hands wringing in front of her, her eyes narrow and her mouth thin, lips pursed.

"Thank you for coming John." She said shaking his hand, she had the most pained expression on her face which added to John's concern.

"Of course, when Christian explained…"

Ana left her bedroom to go and find Grace, she didn't know what to do with herself now she didn't have to go to work. She really just wanted to lounge in front of the TV, with junk food and coffee. It sounded like a good day to her. It was weird though because as she approached the end of the hallway she heard a pair of voices talking softly. Her walk slowed and she strained her ears to listen.

"Where is Ana now?" A male voice asked but it was a voice unfamiliar to Ana.

"Just showering, she will join us in a moment." Grace replied just as Ana turned to enter the room. "Ah speak of the devil." Grace smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. "Ana… you remember John Flynn, you met at Christian's party?"

"The shrink?" Ana asked, horrified. "You think I'm crazy?!" She yelled before spinning on her heels and marching back towards the bedroom.

"Well that didn't go according to plan." Grace sighed. "Ana!" She called hurrying after the young woman, maybe she should have ensured she had time to prepare Ana for John's visit but then again, Grace had been desperate for support with this. How did she help Ana if she didn't have support herself?

John followed Grace out of the great room and to the bedroom. Ana had taken herself out onto the balcony to calm herself down, she didn't want to react like she had when Christian had told her he'd betrayed her but those same emotions were churning inside her.

It was grey and raining in Seattle. Apt, Ana thought. She felt like it was very reflective of her current mood. Now all she needed was a thunderstorm to make it feel complete.

"I'm sorry Ana sweetheart, I haven't called John because I think you're crazy, he's a therapist that can help with all sorts, just coming to terms with things can be very therapeutic." Grace explained coming up behind Ana but keeping several feet back.

"I just don't need people going behind my back Grace." Ana bit. "That's what got us into this mess in the first place."

"I know sweetheart." Grace said only for John to step up beside her and put his hand on her arm to allow him to step in.

"Ana, I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here to help if you'll let me." John said gently, his voice soft but carrying on the wind to Ana's ears. She gritted her teeth to stop the angry retort that she wanted to give for the simple reason she didn't want to speak to him whatsoever. "I won't judge, I'm here to listen, to guide…"

"Listen to this, get lost." Ana replied unable to help herself. Grace grimaced, she had hoped Ana would at least be willing to talk and listen a little.

"What about for me Ana…" Grace started but John stopped her again before signalling with his head for Grace to go back inside. She frowned, she didn't think that was a good idea knowing how badly Ana had reacted yesterday but John insisted with his eyes glaring. She reluctantly went to sit in the bedroom, at least that way she may have still heard snippets and she'd be able to see the pair of them through the glass.

John slowly walked to where Ana was stood and joined her leaning on the fence to look over Seattle. Ana turned just slightly away, a small movement but one John picked up on nonetheless.

"It's cold today." He noted and Ana closed her eyes, she wished he'd just fuck off and leave her alone but it was clear that wasn't going to happen. "I heard you had some upsetting news yesterday." John continued, he'd keep speaking knowing she was listening even if she wouldn't respond. "I heard you were very upset."

"You heard wrong I wasn't upset I was angry." Ana retorted with a scoff.

"Why were you angry?" John asked and Ana rolled her eyes, this wasn't fair he was manipulating her to speak.

"I don't know you." Ana said turning to John. "I met you once, very briefly. I am not about to open my heart to you or talk to you about what happened yesterday or at any other time in my life. Please, leave."

"Ok, if it's ok with you though I'd like to have a coffee with Grace before I go, I think she needs some support too." John replied already turning away and heading for the door.

"Grace needs support?" Ana asked spinning on her heels to face him and John managed to suppress his smile and he was very grateful his back was to Ana so she wouldn't see the light come on as he realised, he had found a way in.

"Grace is hurt Ana, she's hurting for you, she's struggling not knowing how to help you." He explained turning back to her.

Ana slumped forward, her chin pointed towards the floor and her eyes sunk shut. Telling Grace had become easy once she started, but she hadn't thought about the consequences of her words on the only mother figure she'd ever known. Grace had shown her nothing but love, kindness, and tenderness since the moment they'd met. The way she had given her the love necklace at graduation, welcomed her as a part of her family without hesitation and she'd gone and spoiled that by telling Grace all she'd lived through and now Grace was struggling.

"I'm sorry." Ana said turning to face John. "I just… I didn't want to hurt Grace…" Tears prickled at her eyes and John gave her a soft, sympathetic smile. "I didn't…"

"I know Ana but can I tell you something? What's upsetting Grace the most is not knowing how to help you, how to support you, that's why she called me in." He told her gently. "Come on, why don't we go and get a hot drink and chat, about whatever you want it doesn't even have to be what happened yesterday. Maybe we could just get to know each other."

Ana didn't know what to do. She felt so guilty that she had caused Grace so much upset because that had never been her intention, but then she really didn't want to talk to John either. Fine, he looked kind enough but he was a shrink, she was expected to spill her guts to him, and then what? Where would she be then? Rehashing everything over and over again wouldn't help her.

"Please Ana, it's really cold out here." John said again realising her mind had wandered.

"Only if Grace stays too." Ana replied, she would go inside and she'd drink coffee with them, she didn't have to speak but it would get him to shut up at least.

"That's fine by me if it's fine by you."

Grace hurried out of the bedroom to get Mrs Jones to get the coffee sorted and to get the fire on. It was a cold and dreary day and she imagined Ana would need to feel very comfortable in her surroundings if she was going to talk.

Ana and John were not far behind her but while John made his way over to the couch, Ana went to the large window that overlooked Seattle and stood there once again looking out though she couldn't see much because of the rain on the windowpane. Instead, the lights of the city twinkled, captivating her. John gave Grace a reassuring smile, he understood Ana was regaining control of the situation by putting some distance between them, that was ok, he had taken control of the situation by getting her to come to the great room anyway.

"Ana come and have a drink sweetheart." Grace said just as Mrs Jones deposited the tray on the coffee table.

"I'm ok." Ana replied. As she stood there her mind replayed all she had told Grace the previous evening. Her life story. She couldn't believe she'd been so loose-tongued. She bowed her head and looked at the ground. No one needed to know her life story. Shoving her hands into the pocket of Christian's jacket she tried to pull it around herself some more, despite the warmth coming from the fire she was cold and sweating. She felt disgusted with herself that she had allowed the cork off the champagne bottle with Grace. "What have I done?" She muttered quietly.

"Come and have a drink Ana, we don't have to chat but after being in the cold a hot drink to warm up might be good." John tried as he remained seated at the edge of the couch, facing Ana his feet planted just shoulder-width apart while he held his coffee between his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. He had taken a non-threatening stance, in case Ana turned toward him. "You know, you have nothing to feel ashamed of."

"What would you know about it?" She snapped spinning around to face John, thunder in her eyes, he had hoped he'd provoke a reaction, her actions and her body language, her tone, spoke far more than her words did. Hiding her face away against the glass, the way she held her body small as if wanting to hide told him she was feeling ashamed, telling her he knew that was a good way to provoke anger but it also provoked a vocal response which is what he was aiming for.

"I don't." He replied. "I'm not going to pretend to." He added as she turned back to the glass and returned to the stance with her head down.

Grace just watched nervously chewing the inside of her cheek. She didn't know what to do and she was worried now she had betrayed Ana's trust by getting John here, at the end of the day, that was what Christian had done in doing the searches on her and that was what she was struggling with the most.

"Go to her." John mouthed when he finally caught Grace's gaze. "Tell her she'll be ok." He added and she nodded before picking up the blanket from the back of the couch, because even at this distance she could see Ana shaking.

"Sweetheart." She said already draping the blanket over Ana's shoulders, Ana jumped just a little but hid it as quickly as she could. "I'm so sorry, if you feel I've done anything to hurt you…"

"No." Ana said quickly turning to look at Grace, her eyes wide with horror. "No you haven't I… I shouldn't have told you, I shouldn't have hurt you by…"

"Hey." Grace stopped her. "Don't you ever, ever do you hear me? You can always come to me, always talk to me. It's just so much to take in and I don't know how to support you…" And as Grace spoke Ana's tears came. Grace took her into her embrace and held her tight. "You've been through hell my dear girl, but it's time to face it, to deal with it to put it behind you in a healthy and productive way so you can move forward, strong and happy. Please, let John do that." Ana nodded because she hated that she'd hurt Grace and put the burden of her past on Grace. She'd do it for Grace.

Ana allowed Grace to take her over to the couch, the far end opposite John. She curled up into the corner, the blanket tight around her. Grace made her a coffee and she took it in trembling hands.

"Why don't we talk about something happy?" John suggested and Ana frowned, she was staring at the white mug in her hands rather than looking at the man trying to get her to talk in front of him. "Grace, a time recently you were happy?" He said taking the pressure off Ana.

"Christian's birthday." Grace replied at once, it was an easy one as it had been so very recent and it had been a very happy night. "It's nice to see him settled and happy." She said glancing at Ana who didn't react.

"What about you Ana?" John said hoping that Grace having answered first would let her feel confident enough to answer him.

"Christian's birthday, the morning… having sex… sorry, Grace." She said nervously laughing at the end.

"Why that moment?" John asked giving an apologetic look to Grace because he was about to be discussing her son's sex life but that was the memory Ana had chosen and it was obviously significant.

"He makes me feel safe." Ana replied. "And in control." She still didn't look at John.

"Is being safe and in control pleasurable to you?" He asked and Grace closed her eyes, this conversation was one she didn't want to be a party to. Ana just shrugged; how did she answer that. "How do you normally exercise control, Ana? Or when else do you feel in control?" John knew control was a huge thing for victims of childhood sexual abuse, so he was interested to see how Ana would answer this one.

"At the club." Ana replied finally looking up at John. "Before Christian took it away."

"Are you angry with Christian about that?" He asked letting Ana basically lead the conversation by her little expansions on what she was saying.

"I was." Ana admitted. "But… I hated it there." Ana added before closing her eyes again as the shame brewed within her once again. "It's just, Christian's good at taking control away."

"He's very good at that." Grace retorted making Ana chuckle weakly but earning her a scowl from John.

"Is that what angered you yesterday? That Christian took control away from you?" John asked. Ana thought a minute, she called it betrayal but was the control aspect a part of it? She had come home; she'd had no warning of what she was walking into and then to have all that information dropped on her. She nodded, when that anger had boiled inside her when she lost it and trashed the room, it was this incredibly overwhelming feeling of being just totally out of control that had pushed her over the edge.

"He had no right to put me in that position." Ana replied staring hard at her mug once more.

"Christian?" John asked and Ana nodded.

"I'm sick to death of feeling so out of control." Ana admittedly quietly. Grace sat next to her just feeling relieved that they were finally getting her talking.

"How do you find yourself managing that though Ana? Because there are times in our lives where we just simply aren't in control. What ways have you found to cope with that feeling?"

"Well yesterday I trashed the bedroom." Ana retorted angrily, not sure where these questions were going and getting frustrated by them. "Then I don't know…" Ana shrugged.

"That's ok." John reassured her not wanting her to get upset that she couldn't answer his questions.

"I've had enough now." Ana said. "I'm just really tired." She explained looking to Grace who might have been more understanding of the night they'd had.

"That's ok Ana." John reassured softly. "Maybe when you're feeling a bit better you can get in contact with me and we can pick up where we left off."

"Sure." Ana said putting her mug down though she had no intention of contacting this man and John knew it too.

Ana barely looked at either of them as she left, she just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep and put this behind her. In her mind she needed to figure out where life went from here, would Christian still want her if he knew the truth? Could she live this kind of life where Christian exercised more control than she did? Emotionally drained, she curled up in bed and hoped that after some more sleep she'd have some more answers.

"Well?" Grace asked as soon as she knew Ana would be far enough away then she wouldn't hear.

"She's suffering from long term PTSD Grace, my being here was a trigger because it took control away from her so she was never going to fully cooperate. The little info she's shared makes it obvious that she suffers a lot with shame over what happened to her, she's afraid of things happening again, she has trust issues and she likes to be in control and micromanage things. Without a lot of therapy that won't change anytime soon." John explained the best he could, in just the little communication he'd had with Ana he'd been able to garner that much and chances are if she would be a bit more cooperative and open up he'd see a lot more complexity there.

"So what do I do?" Grace replied nervously.

"Keep doing what you're doing, she's still here which alone is amazing based on what Christian said. So just be here for her, listen to her and don't take control away from her if you can help it." He replied already getting to his feet.

"Thanks John." Grace gave a stiff smile, she just hoped that what she was doing would be enough.