The camera opened on BennettTheSage sitting behind a desk, with a chart next to him.
BTS [feigning enthusiasm]: "Hello, folks, I'm BennettTheSage, host of Anime Abandon on YouTube, here to tell you all about FanFiction's quite fascinating ratings system." [Begins pointing at the chart.] "Now, if you wanna read a fanfic alongside everybody, even your little brothers and sisters, if it's rated K, then there's no danger of them being exposed to all manner of 'coarse language, violence, or adult themes'." [Adds a small plus sign next to the K.] "Now, if it's rated K+, then despite a lack of adult themes, there may be some stuff, items and things unsuitable for kids ages 5-9. So the little kids you're probably babysitting right now have to go to bed a little early." [Removes the cutouts of the little kids, then puts a 'T' over the K+.] Now, if the fanfic's rated T..."
Freakazoid [starting off in a whisper]: "Yo! Sage!" [BTS turns in the direction of Freakazoid, who'd just walked over to his desk.] "We're ready to get the chapter started, you're gonna have to wait."
BTS: "Hang on a sec, all right? Just let me finish, it's important that all the otakus reading this see it."
Freakazoid [insistent]: "Later."
BTS: "But-"
Freakazoid [very insistent]: "LATER." [Grabs the chart and tosses it off-stage.]
BTS [slightly disappointed]: "Ah, nutbunnies." [Rests his chin in his left hand as he looks our way.]
Freakazoid [looking our way]: "And now, the next chapter!"
Episode 16 - Angels with Unlucky Numbers, Part 1
Gendo awoke the following morning, thankful that he'd been able to sleep off the humiliating events of last night. After getting up, fixing himself a very simple breakfast, and showering, he moved to get dressed for the day. When he opened the closet door, he inspected its contents, noting each uniform in its place. It was then that he noticed something very off. It took him a minute, but then he realized what it was:
Every single pair of pants was missing.
This was very jarring for the commander of all of NERV. He kept every bit of his personal details and activities to a tight schedule and a specific order-everything in its place. This, however, ran counter to his usual routines. Frustratingly, he went over to his drawers, and found that even the pairs of casual pants were gone. Only one garment in that category was still there though-a little-worn pair of Bermuda shorts. Letting out another frustrated sigh, Gendo resolved that those shorts would have to do. Finally, the front door to his home opened and he stepped out, dressed like he normally was every day, save for the choice in pants. His car and driver were waiting at the end of the walkway for him, the driver reading the paper to pass the time. Gendo began walking towards the car, failing to notice the rake that had been mysteriously placed in his path. As soon as he stepped onto its metal head, the handle quickly rose up and hit him right between the eyes.
THWACK!
Gendo slightly winced, and then let out a low, frustrated grumble. He then turned to the left to try and walk around the rake, only to somehow step on another rake that'd been placed there as well.
THWACK!
Gendo grumbled again, and turned to head to the right to walk around the center rake. Once again, a conveniently-placed obstacle struck.
THWACK!
Gendo grumbled yet again, and this time simply kicked the center rake out of the way and continued down the path until he reached the car, which his driver opened the door for him to enter. Neither one had noticed the gnome-shaped new additions to Gendo's front lawn, or that they appeared to be snickering behind his back as he left. The driver did not question his boss's unusual choice of attire or the incident with the rakes as he started up the car and headed towards NERV HQ.
When the doors to Central Dogma opened up that morning, Gendo drew a number of surprised and confused stares from some of the staff within. That was for the briefest of moments, as they quickly turned back to their tasks at hand, not wanting to earn his possible wrath. Sub-commander Fuyutsuki decided to hold his questions until they were finished with the morning business at hand, as the two of them left the bridge and headed for the elevator to Gendo's office. When the two commanders were out of sight, chatter immediately erupted among the staff.
"Geez, what happened to his face?" Shigeru wondered. "It's like he stepped on a rake or something."
"Three rakes or something," Makoto corrected, "considering how red that mark was."
"Forget his face," Maya chimed in, "did you see his legs? They're so white! When was the last time he saw the sun?"
Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School, middle of the day...
Shinji and Asuka were talking at their desks, away from the prying eyes of their friends. It was just ten minutes before class started, and Asuka had pulled him aside because she emphasized that what she wanted to talk to him about was supposed to be secret.
"They like each other?!" he questioned in a whisper.
"Duh, of course they do!" his girlfriend replied with a slight roll of her eyes. "I personally have no idea what Hikari sees in that stooge friend of yours, but I'll bear with it since she's my best friend. I mean come on, don't tell me you haven't noticed him going all goo-goo-eyed over her when she isn't looking."
Shinji, on hearing that, took a minute to glance at Toji, before turning back to Asuka. "Okay, so...where are you going with this?" he asked.
Asuka smiled an almost Cheshire Cat-like grin. "Let's set 'em up! We'll nail two birds with one stone-another happy relationship forms in the wake of ours, AND I get Hikari to stop ribbing me about how long the two of us have been beating around the bush."
Shinji's mouth went agape for a brief moment, before he let out a soft sigh. "Since you put it that way..." he began, "what have you got in mind?"
"Here's the plan..." Asuka said as she began whispering into Shinji's ear, with Shinji nodding at every other detail.
For the next few days, Asuka coached Hikari on finding a way to Toji's heart...through his stomach. Hikari, whenever lunch rolled around, would approach Toji with an extra homemade bento, offering the excuse that she accidentally made it and figured he'd be tired of the fare in the cafeteria. The strategy worked of course, and the two of them found themselves spending a bit more time around one another, getting to know each other a bit better. Soon enough, one could actually call them a 'cute couple'. Kensuke, Mayumi and Rei, watching from the 'sidelines' were amazed by the progress at which Toji and Hikari's relationship was improving. Freakazoid, at one point, even thanked goodness that Asuka hadn't decided on using her genius for evil, followed by him quoting Jurassic Park ("Clever girl..."). All of Asuka and Shinji's work eventually hit its peak, for one day came the 'capstone' of Asuka's plan. When it was lunchtime, Asuka and Shinji pulled the two of them aside to speak with them.
"What's goin' on?" Toji asked.
"Something up?" Hikari asked as well.
Asuka didn't say anything at first, but then spoke. "First of all, congrats on you two officially getting over your initial 'failure to communicate'. Second, Shinji and I were talking the other day, and we came up with an idea. Either of you doing anything this weekend?"
Toji and Hikari looked at each other for a moment, shrugged, and both shook their heads. "Good!" Asuka said.
"Would you both be interested in seeing a movie with us?" Shinji asked, finally broaching the subject. "As a first date-slash-first double-date?"
Both Toji and Hikari looked at each other again, and quickly gave it some thought before turning back to their friends. "Sure!" they said.
"What movie?" Toji asked. Asuka grinned as she quickly whipped out the movie times section of a newspaper and laid it down on a desk, where she pointed to a specific column. The others moved in closer to see what it was all about, and Hikari beamed with excitement, while Shinji and Toji gawked with befuddlement. The column was advertising a Barbara Streisand film retrospective at one of the more historic movie theaters downtown. There was a list of which movies from Streisand's career were being shown, and Asuka's finger was next to one specific name: 1972's What's Up, Doc?.
"I never knew you were a fan of hers," Shinji commented as he looked to Asuka.
"You kidding? Hikari and I are HUGE fans!" Asuka replied. "(Well, for me, both of hers and Madeline Kahn's.) Anyway, we both got introduced to her the same way: our moms and grandmothers watched some of her movies with us when we were really little."
"Then we got to appreciate them more when we got older," Hikari chimed in.
"Sooo...why THAT movie?" Toji asked, pointing to where Asuka's finger was.
"'Cause it's the one movie even you guys would like," Asuka answered matter-of-factly. "It's got the romance factor for us ladies, and plenty of slapstick and car chases for you 'gentlemen'. Trust me, I'll bet you won't go the entire movie without howling with laughter. Or are you too chicken to try?"
"Oh, it's ON!" Toji bit back, his left sleeve already rolled up in an exaggerated manner.
"Perfect," Asuka said smugly. "Saturday at 5. Don't be late. And wear something nice-I mean really, that track suit can't be the only thing in your wardrobe."
Toji, the look of dawning realization now appearing on his face, slowly slunk back into his chair. I just got goaded into going to a Barbara Streisand movie, he thought. Man, I'm slippin'...
NERV HQ, later that day...
Ritsuko was typing away on her keyboard when she heard a knock on her office door.
"Come in," she said. Soon enough the door opened, revealing Misato, who waltzed right in and leaned on one end of the desk.
"What's new in Ritsville?" the major asked.
"Nothing much, just formalizing the arrangements for the Unit-03 activation test," the scientist replied. "We'll be doing it at the site in Matsushiro, and you'll be along to supervise. Also, in lieu of the Dummy System, we'll be using the Sixth as the test pilot."
That last statement took Misato by surprise. "Wait, back up-they found the Sixth Child already?" she asked.
"Yes, indeed," Ritsuko said, with no small amount of lying through her teeth. "Just yesterday, to be exact."
"Then where's my Marduk report?" Misato asked.
"It'll be on your desk tomorrow," Ritsuko answered. Misato arched a slightly-suspicious eyebrow at the delivery of that answer.
"Riiits...you're not hiding anything from me, are you?" Misato asked skeptically.
"No, no, not at all," Ritsuko said in turn.
"Oh-kaaayyy..." Misato began, "so then, who's the Sixth?"
"Correct," Ritsuko replied. Misato looked our way, eyes wide with confusion, before turning back to Ritsuko.
"What's the name of the Sixth?" she asked again.
"No, What is the name of the Seventh," Ritsuko replied.
"I'm not asking you who's the Seventh," Misato said.
"Who's the Sixth," Ritsuko said.
"That's what I'm asking you!" Misato said. "I don't know!"
"They're the Eighth," Ritsuko said.
"What're you talking about?" Misato asked. "How'd we even get to the Eighth? I'm wanna know what's the name of the Sixth!"
"Again, What's the Seventh," Ritsuko said in turn.
"But I'm not asking who's the Seventh!" Misato said exasperatingly.
"Who's the Sixth," Ritsuko said.
"I don't know!" Misato replied.
"Eighth Child!" they both said, pointing to one another. Ritsuko, at that point, smirked and then let out a few small chuckles while a groaning Misato gave herself a face-palm over falling into that little verbal trap.
"I see you haven't forgotten the act we did for our junior year talent show," Ritsuko noted in a smarmy way.
"Very funny," Misato said with a frustrated huff and a roll of her eyes.
"Anyway, here's the candidate selected as the Sixth Child," Ritsuko said as she motioned Misato to her monitor. When Misato looked at the profile, she was shocked by who had been chosen.
"...Him, of all people?" she wondered.
"Couldn't be helped," Ritsuko said. "All candidates were gathered together for their own protection."
"*SIGH* I'll need to tell the kids..." Misato said. "Doesn't make it any less difficult. I mean, this has been Asuka's bread-and-butter her whole life. Same with Rei in most regards. For Shinji, it's clear to him nothing good comes from being involved with us and the EVAs. I don't want him to suffer any further..."
"Be that as it may," Ritsuko said, "we need this generation of children so all humanity can survive."
Misato, when Ritsuko wasn't looking, gave her friend a slight glare of disapproval. "So much for the ideals of humanity," she muttered cynically.
The Freakalair, at the same time...
I can't believe it! Kensuke exclaimed. Toji got picked to be an EVA pilot, and I didn't!
"Well, believe it Kensuke, though I don't know why you're complaining," Freakazoid said. Earlier, he'd decided to check in with Naoko/the MAGI and see if anything unscrupulous was up with NERV lately, and she/it had tapped into Ritsuko's computer undetected, where they'd now just learned about Toji's selection as the Sixth Child. "I mean look at you-you're a superhero!...Sort of."
I know, I know, Kensuke replied, it's just that I've always wanted to be an EVA pilot for so long because they're the coolest! I'm a kid who lived off of mecha and giant robot anime and manga for years! Fighting big monsters, saving the day...
"Maybe you'll change your tune once R.O.D.D.Y. gets back, which should be right about now..." Freakazoid said as the face of the Freak-A-Puter's AI reappeared on the screen. "What'd you find, R.O.D.D.Y.?"
"Everything Naoko informed me of is definitely on th' level, laddie," the cyber-Scotsman answered. "Ah traveled through th' rest o' the NERV mainframe to Commander Ikari's hard drive. Tha' 'Marduk Institute' ye heard about? A complete phony, a sham, a fake."
WHAT?! Kensuke asked, dumbfounded by the revelation. What do you mean?!
"Whaddya mean 'whaddya mean'?" R.O.D.D.Y. replied irritably, "it's exactly what it says on th' wrapper! The Marduk Institute's nothin' but a front, one o' many, that all lead back to one place: NERV, and Commander Ikari himself."
"R.O.D.D.Y.'s right," Naoko chimed in. "Ikari's been pulling the strings on pilot selection the entire time. All your classmates were gathered in one place for a reason: every single one of them is a viable candidate for piloting an EVA. You included."
Kensuke was stunned. All this time, he could've been a pilot. Him and every other kid at school. But why? he asked.
"I dunno just yet," Freakazoid, "but it's like I've been saying, something's rotten in the city of Tokyo-3, and it's not just the occasional produce at the grocery store nearby." He then stood up to make a dramatic show of determination, his left finger pointed high. "Both of which I will not rest till I've gotten to the bottom of!"
Above the city, around that same time...
Gendo and Fuyutsuki were in a helicopter flying above the skyline. Both were looking down on the fortress city, Fuyutski with a cynical sense of wonder.
"The city, a paradise made by mankind," he commented.
Ikari nodded slightly. "Once driven from Paradise, man had no choice but to escape to this earthly existence, side by side with death," Gendo said solemnly. "Our own paradise, created by the resourcefulness that this weakest of beings was forced to develop."
"Indeed," the former professor replied. Gendo then looked up at his former teacher, one eyebrow arched.
"You've had something you've wanted to say all day," the commander said. "Say it and we can all move on."
Fuyutsuki turned to his former student, let out a brief sigh, and finally spoke. "If I may be so bold..." he began to suggest, "you really do need to get outside the Geofront more. I mean, good grief, man, look at how pale they are!" He pointed to Gendo's legs, which the commander then briefly looked down at, before returning his gaze to Fuyutsuki.
"Duly noted," Gendo replied. And ignored, he thought to himself.
NERV HQ, yet again around the same time...
Misato was shocked by the information that Kaji had just quietly shared with her. She just couldn't believe it, that the Marduk Institute was in fact a front for NERV, and that Commander Ikari was behind it. Once again, Misato found herself questioning her loyalties to NERV, as this wasn't the first big secret Kaji had exposed to her...
Terminal Dogma, several days earlier...[Yeesh, so many transitions!]
Misato had found Kaji sneaking around the entrance to Terminal Dogma, and her gun drawn and pointed at his back.
"I see someone had a good night's sleep," Kaji said nonchalantly.
"Same with you," Misato said firmly.
"Glad to hear it," the spy replied, his trademark grin present.
"On the job, Kaji?" Misato asked. "Better yet, which one? The one for NERV, or the one for the JDA?"
Kaji shrugged. "Gee, darned if I know," he replied. "Sounds like you've done your homework."
"NERV does have its resources," Misato said in turn. "Wouldn't be wise to underestimate us."
"Sounds like something the Commander would say," Kaji said.
Misato sighed before responding. "It's what I'm saying," she warned. "We just made up after all those years, I'm worried about you. If you keep going like this, you'll never escape the consequences."
Kaji merely kept smiling. "I'm not worried," he said, "I'm still useful to Ikari, so as long as he's in the dark, I'll be fine. I'm just sorry I kept this secret from you all this time."
Misato, on hearing this, finally lowered her gun. "I appreciate that," she said. "Seriously, though, what're you expecting to find down here?"
Kaji didn't respond at first, simply swiping his red universal card key through the reader next to the door. The screen changed, indicating the door was now opening. "The Commander and our good friend Ritsuko have been hiding a lot of things from you," he answered, "and this is one of the biggest..."
As soon as the door opened, Misato's eyes went wide with astonishment when she saw the gigantic, white Angel bound to the large metal cross, a strange red lance sticking out of its chest.
"No...no way..." she said.
"Yes way," Kaji said in turn. "The origin and linchpin of everything since Second Impact..." His train of thought was interrupted when the two of them noticed something peculiar, which made their eyes grow even wider with surprise.
Sitting on the beam behind the Angel's left shoulder was Freakazoid. The Angel's head was turned to face the superhero, and appeared to be telekinetically holding some cards. Freakazoid had a hand of his own, and there was a small deck of them in the middle. At that moment, Freakazoid then noticed the two newcomers down below.
"Hi there!" he greeted, waving. "Don't mind me, we're almost done with this round. Gotta say, for a first-time player, Lilith's really good at Uno! If you like, I can deal you both in for the next game."
Kaji and Misato, their mouths still agape, did a double-take from Freakazoid and Lilith to each other and back. Both of them quickly put on some smiles and gave them some tiny waves.
"Oh no, that's okay! We were just passing by, got a lot of stuff to do!" Misato feigned.
"Yeah, we'll just let you guys keep going. Enjoy!" Kaji said as he closed the doors. Soon, the two made their way back to the elevator leading up to Central Dogma, both with confused looks on their faces.
"I did NOT see that coming," Kaji said.
"That makes two of us," Misato commented. "Also, Lilith? What the heck's Lilith?"
Kaji looked to her before he answered. "Last I checked, I was told that was the rest of Adam, the First Angel," he explained. "But that means the thing that's been down here is actually the Second. And that means..." He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. "Remember when I evacuated the Over The Rainbow?"
"Yeah, thanks for leaving us in the lurch, jerk," Misato answered with frustration, "but what's that got to do with what we just saw?"
"I wasn't just escorting Asuka and Unit-02 to Japan," Kaji elaborated. "Ikari had assigned me to acquire the sample of Adam that had been under lock and key at the German branch and smuggle it over here. I don't know all the details of why he wanted it, but I do intend to find out." He then let out a long sigh. "I'll need your help. Can I trust you to keep all this quiet?"
Misato gravely nodded her head. "Good," Kaji said just as they reached their destination floor. "Now if you'll excuse me..."
"Where are you going?" Misato asked.
"Back to my place," Kaji replied. "After what we'd just learned, I've got a LOT of notes to update. AND I'll need to learn more about Freakazoid." He then sighed again as he shook his head. "This is gonna be one looonnng weekend..."
To be continued...
**Author's Note(s)**
The road to Bardiel begins...
The bit with BennettTheSage is an update of Jack Valenti going over the Motion Picture Association of America's ratings system in the season one Freakazoid! episode "The Chip, Part 1". I recommend BennettTheSage's videos, as he's essentially the Nostalgia Critic of anime. (In fact, his review of End of Evangelion features a neat guest appearance from original ADV dub actor Brett Weaver.) The rest of Sage's explanation of this website's ratings system will continue in part 2...
The chapter's title (and that of its following part(s)) is a riff on the 1938 gangster movie Angels with Dirty Faces.
Stealing pants happens to be one particular prank the Lawn Gnomes were known for going back to the age of Vikings.
Gendo's unfortunate encounter with rakes is lifted from Sideshow Bob in the 1993 episode of The Simpsons, "Cape Feare".
Barbara Streisand was frequently caricatured on a lot of the 90's "Steven Spielberg Presents" cartoons, especially Animaniacs and Freakazoid!. Why What's Up Doc? specifically has to do with me seeing the movie a few weeks ago for the first time, and trust me, it is THAT funny. And the kids will find it funny as well in part 2...
Misato and Ritsuko wind up doing a brief variation of the classic "Who's on first?" routine, something I did in one of my earliest short fics for this site. Also a minor reference to the Woodstock-themed riff from episode 59 of Animaniacs.
Gendo, after hearing Fuyutsuki's suggestion, quotes Megatron in the final episode of Beast Wars Transformers.
And now for some fun, guest-starring four of my favorite Animaniacs characters!
OMAKE 5 - Birds of a Feather, and all that Yadda-Yadda...
It was the middle of the evening as Pen-Pen stood by the docks, Shinji, Rei and Asuka accompanying him. Shinji held a plastic bag containing a few containers of take-out food. The Second and Third Children were very confused over why they'd been dragged out to the docks at such an hour, by Pen-Pen of all creatures, and soon found that the four of them were no longer alone. Approaching from the opposite side were four small shapes, which landed on the ground and soon were headed their way. Once they were under the same street lamp, Shinji and Asuka's eyes went wide with surprise.
The four newcomers were all pigeons. On the far left was the one who was clearly the leader; he was a very fat-looking pigeon that strangely bore a vague resemblance to the actor Marlon Brando. To the fat one's immediate left was a tall pigeon with a greenish plume of feathers on his head; next to him was a slightly shorter pigeon with a purple-ish plume and a scowl on his face; and the last one had a gray plume and what seemed to be a small, perpetually-toothy grin.
Both the fat pigeon and Pen-Pen stepped forward a couple of inches, and exchanged bows. It was then that the meeting began.
The fat pigeon was the first to speak, in a pretty incoherent-sounding mumbling of gobbledygook. The green-headed pigeon translated for him.
"The Godpigeon wishes to thank you for inviting us to this meeting, on this, the week of your cousin's mating season," the green one began to say, in a voice akin to Robert De Niro's. "He hopes her first hatchling is a masculine hatchling." He then bowed his head to Pen-Pen and the pilots and pointed to the two pigeons next to him. "By the way, name's Bobby, and these two are, respectively, Pesto and Squit." Pesto and Squit then offered a couple of small waves hello.
The pilots proceeded to wave back, Shinji and Asuka still befuddled by all of this. Pen-Pen then spoke.
"Wark wark wark wark-wark, wark wark wark-wark-wark," Pen-Pen said. To Shinji and Asuka's further surprise, Rei translated for him.
"The Oyabunguin says," Rei said with a slight New York accent, "he appreciates you making the journey to meet with him, and looks forward to the negotiations to come."
For the next hour or so, Pen-Pen and the Godpigeon discussed the details of their new arrangement, with Bobby and Rei translating for each. Off to the side, the other four chatted on a bench while they waited for the meeting to finish.
"So, how long have you been working for the Godpigeon?" Shinji asked Squit.
"Well, as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Goodfeather," Squit replied. "What about you-got any dreams, kid?"
"Uh, well, I really can't decide between musician and chef," Shinji answered. "Either way, it'll be better than being an EVA pilot. Especially when I get to stop wearing the plugsuits, they REALLY chafe."
Over at another end of the bench, Asuka chatted with Pesto.
"You really haven't tried making a play for top bird?" Asuka asked incredulously.
"Oh, believe you me, I wished," Pesto replied. "But a lil' dream told me that it probably wouldn't be good for my health, know what I'm sayin'?"
Back over under the street lamp, the negotiations were just about finished.
"Warkwarkwarkwark, wark wark wark-wark," Pen-Pen squawked.
"So it's agreed," Rei translated for Pen-Pen, "as territory for your incoming Japan branch of Goodfeathers, the Oyabunguin will give you the city streets and the parks."
The Godpigeon then responded in his usual gibberish, leading Bobby to translate.
"And the Godpigeon agrees, in turn," Bobby elaborated, "that you shall maintain control of the docks and other waterways. The Geofront will be split down the middle between both families."
Pen-Pen nodded in agreement, as did the Godpigeon. With that, the two avian associates shook wings on their completed deal. Rei in turn nodded to Shinji, indicating it was time for the dinner portion of the meeting. Shinji and the others then stepped under the street lamp, where he then undid the bag and removed the containers, opening them up to reveal their steaming hot contents within. Bobby, Squit and Pesto took a whiff of the food's scent, and were entranced immediately by the shrimp fried rice. Pen-Pen and the Godpigeon then took their respective pairs of chopsticks and got ready to dig in.
"Wark!" Pen-Pen said.
"The Oyabunguin says mangia," Rei translated.