Essentially I'm shitposting at this point. just ignore me

For reasons I can't quite remember, Brian battler thinks that Iori's name is Lorraine (Lori for short) Yagami.

I thinki had somebody screw with sports team and tell them that. Nobody ever bothered to correct them

*WHAT! Who the hell is this?!*

Brian Battler squeezed his eyes shut as his least favorite person in all of the KOF tournaments shouted at him across the phone line. The Texan had been praying earnestly that Yagami wouldn't pick up the phone, but now that he had - and Brian's tweenage daughter was doing a little excited dance beside the couch - the footballer didn't have any choice but to go through with this.

"Hey, Lori. It's Brian."

*Who in the blue hell is Brian?! Do you know how many Brian's exist in the world? (etc…)*

It was just his luck that of his two daughters, one of them had developed a rather severe obsession with Lorriane (Lori for short) Yagami's band. And (although Brian was terribly embarrassed about it) Lori had likewise developed a severe obsession with him. The wife thought it was rather funny, but Brian went through great pains to keep this embarrassing morsel of information from the kids. Especially from his youngest - who was in the midst of a month-long band obsession phase.

She had been bugging him for nearly six months to get her front row tickets at one of that lunatic's concerts, and tomorrow was her birthday. She didn't want anything else. Brian Battler wasn't about to let his precious daughter cry on her birthday, so he went shopping for premium tickets, and found they'd been sold out for the next two years.

So… after a bit of nagging from the daughter, and coaxing from the wife, Brian swallowed his pride and called his highly disruptive sexual harasser, intending on procuring a favor for his 14 year old daughter's birthday party. He wasn't entirely sure what he expected - but even talking to Lori was a painful experience for him. He waved his daughter away in the event the Japanese man decided to say something unsavory - which he did so immediately.

"Yeah. Hi Lorraine. Brian Battler… remember me?"

*Lorrai-... oh, Battler? Hey I just wanted to let you know I desperately want you to choke me on your giant co-*

Brian quickly interrupted. He didn't want to accidentally imagine any of the scenes Lori was attempting to convey.

"Yeah, yeah… hey, could I get some tickets? For uh… the California show on the fifteenth?"

Lori didn't miss a beat. He went from thirsty to business eerily quickly.

*Tickets? how many?*

"Uh." Brian glanced at his daughter. She raised up four fingers. She had three tweenage friends who wanted to accompany her - and mom was chaperoning them. She looked incredibly excited. An expression that was not mirrored by her unhappy father.

"Five, can we have front row?"

*Whatever you want.*

The way Lori said that was making Brian uncomfortable. He needed to remind himself there was a thousand miles of distance between the two of them before he could continue.

"Great… how much is this gonna set me back?"

Brian knew the tickets retailed for $350 apiece. Thankfully, Lori ignored his attempt to pay.

*I'll mail them to you. Give me an address.*

A moment of silence. Brian blinked. He definitely did not want Lori knowing where he lived. He might be inclined to come creeping in in the middle of the night to terrorize the Battler Family. As a father, and husband, he absolutely could not let that happen. Brian was about to simply hang up and abandon the whole endeavor when Lori spoke up.

*Hello? Team offices, alright?*

"Oh…" the team offices were safe enough. It was already a public address. There shouldn't be a problem. Honestly, Brian was surprised Lori was being so normal.

"Yeah, thanks. Lorraine. I appreciate it."

*You're welcome. I expect you to take me to dinner for this. See you next year. Don't call me until then. (Howaaaard! Mail some shit for me...)*

*click*