Noah's P.O.V.- (Three Years Ago)

I'm such an idiot.

When did I realize that? I think it started when I was in masters at Harvard. I'd been at Harvard for over five years now; it took me a long time to graduate from undergrad. All the partying, womanizing, and just basically being a mess didn't help. I didn't know what was wrong with me- for the longest time, I told myself it was my inherent temper. I never had any relationships that lasted too long. Nothing ever lasted too long in my life, except for school…..

"Hey, Noah!" "Hi," I replied back to this girl in my department; she'd been extra friendly to me lately. It would have been easy for me to ask her out…. but for some reason, I didn't feel like it. I was going home back to my parents' place that weekend; they were looking to sell soon and wanted me to clean out my old room. Fine, whatever; I didn't have that much in there anyway.

Mom gave me a ton of boxes to fill, which seemed kind of pointless. I wanted to move to New York after graduation and couldn't take much with me. Still, I guess she wanted me to have the option. My room wasn't uber messy or cluttered; it was easy enough to get through in one day.

I pulled out a box from the top shelf in my closet; just old mementos I'd collected throughout the years. Could throw all these out too. Most the contents were pictures and old football trophies and garbage. Picking up an old high school yearbook, my eyes widened as a photo fell to the floor. I picked it up and my heart froze in my chest.

It was of Elle back in high school. She was sitting against one of the rail things they have along streets. I must have taken the picture, since she was looking in the way of the camera and smiling. That was the kind of smile I hadn't seen in a long time. I remember…. My eyes slowly began to grow. She used to smile at me like that all the time; she was always so radiant around me. Like my own personal sun….. I'd forgotten how good it felt to warm myself in her rays.

I honestly hadn't thought about Elle in years. At some point, I successfully- or so I thought- pushed her out of my mind. It never occurred to me that she might still be there; I didn't push her out but down…. down to somewhere deep inside the dark recesses of my heart. I didn't want her to be buried in there, but it looks like I might have been fooling myself all this time. I don't know how long I stared at Elle's picture for on my knees in front of my childhood closet like that. I'm sure it was for much longer than it felt to me, but it was like a flashing lighting in my memory.

God, was she always so…. stunning? What a beautiful creature! I never realized what a work of art she truly was. When we were dating, I didn't think of her that way. But after seeing her picture after all these years…. How could I have been so blind? She's not hot or sexy like a model; no, she's striking in the most picturesque way. She's the kind of woman great artists take inspiration from. She's a painting, a sculpture, a walking, talking masterpiece.

My eyes grew as I suddenly realized….. I'd never thought about anyone like that before; even Elle when we were together. Maybe I didn't have the mental maturity to put into words…. Elle truly was one of a kind; she's so much rarer than one in a million. And the type of person she was….. She's in the novels of "War and Peace" and "Pride and Prejudice". She's the melody of Beethoven's sixth symphony and Vivaldi's "Four Seasons". She's the Mona Lisa's smile, and the roses that bloom in the Versailles gardens. She's the embodiment that makes everything in this world so…. magical.

"Got anything you want to throw out?" My eyes blinked as I was steamrolled back to reality by my mother's voice. She came in with a box labelled "garbage", set it down on my bed, placed her hands on her hips and looked at me. My head turned in her direction; my hand still not letting go of Elle's photo. She took note of this, of course. "What's that?" She stepped over to glance over my shoulder. The picture came into view, making her eyes light up.

"Oh, Elle! That's from in high school, isn't it?" "U-Uh, yeah," my eyes drifted downwards. Mom peered at me with mild confusion. "That thing's really old. You wanna get arid of it, or I can give it to Lee if you don't want…" "No!" My shout rang through the whole room. Mom blinked down at me as if I was crazy, and even I caught myself in total shock. Wait, why did I just say "no" like that? It's just some dumb, old photo. No sense holding onto it….. No sense….. "I'll uh, I'll take care of it," without my brain's permission, my hand pulled out my wallet and shoved the picture inside. Mom watched me curious for a moment longer before returning to the box on my bed.

"Do you ever talk to Elle anymore?" "No….." My eyes lowered. To be completely honest, I'd forgotten all about her until now. Or at least, I thought I did… "She's going to Amsterdam, you know." "Huh?" I blinked over to my mother surprised. "She got accepted into the University of Amsterdam for masters. Isn't that good news? Lee told us last week when he called." Amsterdam…..? That's so far away….. And I had no idea. My eyes fell back to the floor; my hands flattening out onto my jeans. "Yeah, it's great…"

And so, I let it go. I didn't think about Elle since that day. I didn't think her presence was festering in the back of my mind since I never actively considered her. But I guess…. I should have known something was wrong by the way I acted back at Harvard. It all started when my friends asked me to go for drinks with them.

"No, I think I should stay here and finish my work," I replied with a casual grin. They left and I was in my office alone; they made you share with another student at Harvard. I remember the light being off, and it was dark outside. It was November, roughly five months after I went home to pack up my bedroom. The house was on the market now, not that I minded…. It's not like I had a personal attachment to the place or anything.

Sitting in total darkness with the exception of my computer screen, I leaned back into my chair and stared outside the window through the corner of my eye. It was particularly windy out tonight; I'm sure it was going to snow later. Without really thinking about it, I pulled out my phone from my jean's pocket. No new messages- typical. They'd died out somewhat the older I got and when I stopped pursuing relationships all the time. Still, as I'd done several times before, I opened up a brand-new message to no one. My finger began to type: A journey more lonely than anyone can possibly imagine. Plunging head-first into impenetrable darkness, with no semblance of sunlight. A desperate fall through the abyss, hoping fruitlessly to find any secrets of the world. How far should I go in search for those secrets… How far can I go?

My eyes lowered onto my phone's screen. Just like I'd gotten into the habit of recently, I deleted the message right away, and turned off my phone. Then my vision made its way back to the pitch-black window.

When did I start writing messages to no one?

When the weather got nicer, me and some of my few friends began to ride our bikes around the city. Once the school year ended, we decided to go on a trip to the coast. It was fairly average, and we had fun. I had kept the habit up of writing long messages to myself, but I never told anyone. Besides that, I didn't think anything else was going on with me. Of course, life is apt to change when you least expect it- for me, it was when I was riding along California's coastline.

It was hot out that day, but I didn't feel warm. We were riding in a line and I was at the back. My mind was kind of dozy; I lazily rode along, following the others. I had no idea what was about to happen to me- how can you possibly prepare for these sorts of things? While I was cruising, something caught my eye on the beach. It was just for the faintest of seconds, but I saw it. I definitely, unequivocally saw it.

There, standing on the beach, was a young girl- a woman. Her hair was long and brown, flowing in the sea breeze behind her. Her back was turned slightly towards me, but her face was visible enough that I could see her smile; not her eyes. Her one arm was raised to keep her hair in place. She wore a pink t-shirt and jean shorts. I knew…. I knew it couldn't possibly be her, but I knew her. It was so automatic and overpowering. I blinked, tearing my head in her direction. I wanted to see her, but wasn't the least bit surprised when she wasn't actually there. As fast as she came, she vanished under the California sun. She was never really there; how could she be? She was halfway across the world, and for the first time since we broke up, since I last saw her for real…. I realized; I suddenly realized. It hit me like a blinding flash. Needless to say, I almost crashed my bike.

Yeah, I'm an idiot.

I've been trying to move on; I tried so damn hard. I was grasping for something just out of reach, and for the longest time, I didn't even know what it was. I didn't grasp the reason behind these violent feelings, this profound loneliness. Instead, I simply stood by and watched my heart grow numb. I was always in the sun, but it never warmed me up. It wasn't the sun I wanted, I was looking for…. No, my personal sun disappeared years ago, and I hadn't noticed I'd been cold since then. I can't believe it took me this long to realize….

Everywhere I go I look for her- I've always been searching for her, since the day she got back on that plane. In windows and down streets, knowing that she'll never be there…. If I had one wish, it would be to see her one last time. I'd go straight to her, and I'd hold her with all the power I had. I'd stand in her radiant sunshine, letting her warm me up for the first time in years. I'd be so hot, I'd be on fire…. No, I don't think I'll ever stop looking for her- anywhere and everywhere I go, I'm always searching for signs of her. I haven't moved on,

I'd just forgotten how much I loved her.

"What are you looking at, Noah?" Elle looked from her computer screen to me. We were at her campus library in Seoul, where I was sitting beside her at a two-person table. My chin was resting in the palm of my hand as I continued to watch her. Watch her and remember….. The tenderest of smile drew across my lips. "War and Peace." "Huh?" She blinked confused. "I'm looking at Tolstoy's "War and Peace", and Michelangelo's "Mona Lisa"." "What are you talking about?" She sighed, not in the mood for games. I chuckled to myself, shaking my head gently. "Nothing. Get back to work." With one last look at me, her gaze reverted back to her laptop. I just stared at her, effortlessly so….

I know Elle doesn't love me now, and a part of me is ok with that. The rest of me wants to scream and rip someone's face off. But there's nothing I can do. Being here in Seoul with her like this; she's already made me feel so warm. What more can I ask of her? After she's already brought me so much happiness…. Now it's my turn to make her feel warm and safe. I don't need to stand beside her to do that, as much as I want to. I'll stand beside Elle again when she's ready for me to, but until that day….

I don't need to stand beside her, so long as I stand near her.