Chapter 21
Jealousy

"Emma, before you slam the door in my face, can I apologize for how I acted earlier?"

"I think you just did," Emma told Sean, vindictively attempting to shut it anyway.

Deep down she didn't want to but it hurt too much to interact with him, be his friend or otherwise.

She once wished so hard he'd come walking back into her life and now that he's back she wishes things would go right back away. Emma still had feelings and everything just seemed so muddled she wanted to keep him away at an arm's length but he's her weakness, her Achilles heel. Even though she's with Jay, she still cares deeply for Sean. Nothing can replace him in her eyes, he was in a class all his own.

"Wait," Sean pleaded with her and Emma held the door open a little longer against her better judgment when he begged like that, "Please hear me out. Emma, I haven't asked you for anything in a long time and I'm asking you to hear me out."

Emma noticed he made a good point, Sean never asked for anything and he saved her life that had to count for something. She inaudibly sighed and slipped on her shoes and walked outside to join him. She led him to the little porch swing, "I'm listening." she impatiently told him with a closed body posture and her arms crossed, keeping her warm, "You've got five minutes."

It was cold and she had forgotten her sweater in the house not expecting to come outside while dressed still in Manny's skimpy shift dress. She didn't dare mention Jay being downstairs. Sean wanted to be careful, he knew things were fading fast. He knew she was moving on or had moved on with Jay of all people. As much as he didn't want to admit he was wrong, he knew he was likely too late; he couldn't stand idly by and let the windows close in on what they had.

"Five minutes? Okay," Sean paced himself and looked up and said, "I just don't know how to put how I feel into words."

Emma grimaced sadly and asked him, in this worn and broken down sounding voice, "For god's sake, could you try?"

Sean carefully sat down on the porch swing beside her silently. She quickly scooted over so she wasn't too close to him, "Do you remember when I stayed behind in Wasaga?

She quietly told him, "Of course I remember, Sean."

"You looked back at me out the back seat window, like you didn't want me to go like you watched until you couldn't see me anymore and I figured that meant something."

"I didn't know if I'd ever get a chance to see you again and in the chance I would I was making a memory, as corny as it sounds. You're right though, it did mean something. That was then though, a lot has changed since you left."

"Even though I was largely not around you for over a year. It meant something to me for some reason, it really did. Every day this summer and even after I left, Em I thought of you.

"What sorts of things did you think about regarding me?"

"I wondered what you were doing? How were you coping? Were you taking care of yourself? It took everything in me to send you those messages on aim because I didn't know if you were going through it too. "

Emma felt the same way, but she was with Jay and he up until recently Ellie, "I couldn't talk to her, Ellie knowing all that. As far as I'm concerned she didn't understand me as well as you did."

He was much calmer this evening and much softer and careful with his words, "Elaborate on that making a memory thing?"

"You were taking an exit from my life I mourned you as if you were gone as I sat in that seat."

She looked at it like he was being lowered into the ground as melodramatic as it sounded. Emma had never been to a funeral but she'd seen plenty on television mainly the one that got her was Twin Peaks re-runs with Snake and Spike. She remembered Laura being lowered underground and her father sobbed and ended up attempting to go down with her clinging all the while to casket.

Now, Emma's version of events wasn't nearly as dramatic as that because it took days before she cried about it. It didn't hit her until later he was gone for good but in any case, she wanted to remember him and his memory. She just didn't realize how hard it was going to be. She didn't consider the possibility of him coming back around.

"It didn't hit me until later how much I hated that you were gone. I went through it in stages, like grief. The more I thought about that day the more difficult it was for me to rehash. I wanted to forget about you. I almost resented you because of the feeling that way made me want to almost not be on the planet anymore. Between the nightmares and your absence, it was hard because nobody understands except for you.

Emma realized she talked the most she had ever spoken to Sean in the entirety of their complicated relationship, "Anyway, I was making a memory, I wanted to remember you. For instance, you know your eyes, the sad expression on your face, and even what you were wearing that day. I didn't want you to go and I'll admit it to only you that I needed you around. I knew we could never go back to whatever we used to be, it's an unrealistic expectation. So when it's years from today when we're grown and old I'd remember who my first love was and how you looked when you left."

Emma was starting to get emotional and looked upward to prevent herself from breaking down entirely. She didn't want to get so raw and real with Sean. As she paused to gather and compose herself, she told him, "I have another confession, I hate knowing I've disappointed you," as she spoke she didn't look at him but he could tell it pained her more than it let on, "I thought you were going to be gone forever and I knew eventually I'd have to move on." She hardened up as she looked to her left at Sean, "It wasn't easy but I had to. I'm not who I used to be. I've changed."

"Emma," He was sort of crushed by her words, he softly told her making it hard for her to resist the distance, "I went off on the handle when I saw you with Jay, when I heard you talking to him from inside the van and how you managed to cool your heart. I know it's not simple and all but I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused you. I know you had more going on than just me and I know you really have feelings for Jay but I hope he takes care of you. I just know one big thing, for what it's worth even when we were apart you were always on my mind in some capacity. I watched you all leave because even I thought it was goodbye and I wanted to remember too."

Emma silently sat there taking everything in and processing his words and her own, Sean looked over at Emma and she at him. She offered him a soft sad grimace as Sean told her, "I'm still really sorry about earlier."

"Sean, what happened here?" Emma changed the subject as noticed in the moonlight his knuckles were busted and bruised. He had a bandaid on the cut but since it was his dominant hand it was pretty loose and sort of pointless, she grabbed his hand and tightened the bandaid for him, "I know you were looking out for me. I just don't need you to worry. I will always care for you even if I don't always show it."

Sean told her, "I'm just concerned about you I want to be there for you, even if we're only friends. I know though, my hand doesn't really hurt that much right now, I need to work on my temper. It could've been a lot worse but you know how I am. Can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"Why are you even with him?" Sean felt like he was being punished for leaving everything behind and how Emma was being unreasonable but her reasons go beyond a simple explanation and Sean hated that but he was a glutton for punishment.

"It's a complicated thing that I didn't plan for to happen, it started out as kind of casual. I never had something so ambiguous and undefined but it's alluring and it used to be uncomplicated. Somehow things took on a life of their own, don't take offense to this but to answer your question Sean, it's quite frankly none of your business. I just can't care that much anymore. Invested in you, whatever it hurts too much."

Sean furrowed his brow and clearly was upset with her, "You don't want to be friends with me? Please just be reasonable."

"Five minutes, so much for that," Emma looked down at her watch and told him, "this is why I was better off shutting the door."

She got up off of the thing and walked toward the front door once again. Sean stammered, "Please I have somethings to say, you're not being fair."

Emma whipped her head and body around to face him around with a scoff she questioned, "What's fair? Life sure as hell isn't. You of all people would know. You can't always get what you want."

"Why you want to hurt me? I'm trying to be here for you."

"I wanted you right here in town with me, so we can deal with whatever happened that day in the hallway, but now? I don't want you to be there for me, I just got done saying it hurts too much!"

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" He grasped her shoulder as she didn't face him still crossing her arms, "Emma listen to me, he's only going to bring you down."

"I'll be the judge of that but right now, you gotta go." Emma gave him a few parting words as she turned around and pointed in the direction of the street. She told him, "I can't talk to you right now, this was a bad idea."

Sean grumbled and left the porch leaving Emma to wait for the pizza guy. Finally, the guy came and she paid but Jay had caught the tail end of Sean and Emma's conversation. He got curious and hungry and figured Emma was taking to long and found himself looking out the window. Emma opened the door, and jumped wide-eyed, "You scared me. Where's Manny?"

"She's clearing off the table so we can all eat, so is there any reason why Cameron was here?"

"He invited himself I told him to leave, everything is fine."

"Why do you look like you're about to cry then?"

Emma sighed, "I had another nightmare today. He wanted to apologize to me but it doesn't matter because I sent him away he triggered me." Emma wasn't entirely being truthful as she smoothed things over attempting to calm Jay down walked to the kitchen and grabbed three plates from the cupboard, "Okay, I'm starving let's eat. Could you give me a hand with the basement door?"

Jay muttered, "Sure I guess," He helped grab the plates from Emma as she got the box, "but before we go downstairs can I ask something? What does 3-6-02 mean?"