Rory and Logan finished their dinner in silence, both grasping the dilemma at hand.
They walked back towards Rory's hotel through the warm but slightly damp spring evening stopping at a park bench in a small park.
"You realize that you are the one holding all the cards, right?" Logan said, having analyzed the situation like he would've done with any one of his work assignments needing to be solved.
"I know," she sighed.
"You need to talk to Finn, he doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark about how you feel, especially with that ring on your finger," he said, pausing. "Tell him about your plans with your studies. You are risking not only your relationship with him by avoiding talking to him about the things you are conflicted about, but also potentially the guardianship of your daughter in the long run," he said straightforwardly.
"God, I haven't even thought that far, Logan," Rory said, tearing up.
"It doesn't have to go that far. Finn is not a monster, he's a decent guy, but just talk to him," Logan assured her.
"I will," she promised.
"From my side, I can tell you that if you need me, I'll be here. Maybe it'll make things easier for you, maybe worse, but you need to know that I haven't been able to move on from you, not fully. Even Finn knows this, and I doubt he'll feel great hearing about us seeing each-other but for what it is worth, I will keep my promise to him that I am not going to make things harder for you by starting something that you later may deeply regret," Logan confessed, understanding that his position in this was the weaker one, it was potentially Rory's young family versus him. He knew that by getting his hopes up he'd likely be getting hurt all over again.
"You got married, Logan," she said, with tears in her eyes.
"And look how wonderfully that turned out," he stated, trying to laugh at his own expense.
"I thought we were done, I honestly did, I did move on. Or at least I pushed this into some far corner of my mind. Hell, I had a kid," she cried.
"Did you know that, when I first found out that I was pregnant, I actually thought it might have been yours? But it was such a relief that it wasn't - just because it would've messed up your life completely," she added, sobbingly.
"I hoped you would have messed up my life, frankly," he replied, looking up at her.
"Oh, Logan, why does my life have to be such a mess?" she cried. Why was it that she could love two men, but she wasn't able to love her own daughter as easily?
"Come here," he said, pulling her up from the bench and wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly. "Just try to breathe, it's going to be alright. You'll figure it out. You have time to figure it out," he added.
"Mom, can you come and get Leah tonight?" Rory asked with tears in her throat as she drove back to Hartford the next day, adding, "I should get there around 6."
"Sure, why, what's wrong?" Lorelai asked, hearing from her voice that something was up.
Rory had pushed it through her reading that afternoon by trying not to think about it, she needed to keep at it until she got there, or she'd end up crying again. But she still had 90 miles to go.
"I just need to talk to him," she said, not wanting to go too much into detail over the phone.
"Hi Finn," she said, kissing him briefly. "Where's Leah?" she asked.
"Hi love," he greeted. "Sleeping, she was really off her schedule today, but she should be up in about an hour or so," he explained.
Rory looked at the time, it was 6.30 and she expected Lorelai to arrive soon.
"I asked my mom to take her, but it might be an issue, if her schedule is off," she said, sounding a little worried.
"Why did you ask her? Did we have plans?" he said, sounding confused.
"I need to talk to you about a few things, just us two," she replied, her voice sounded a little weak.
She was thankful to see Lorelai walk through the door the next second.
"Hi mom!" she greeted
"Hi guys!" Lorelai replied.
"She's off her schedule, still asleep," Rory explained, "but maybe you can just stay here, and we'll go to the pool-house to talk."
"Sure Ror, if that's what you need," she said worriedly.
"What's going on?" Finn inquired, as Rory pulled by his hand towards the pool-house.
"I'll tell you in a second," Rory promised.
"Now, can you promise me just to listen? There's a lot I have to say. And if I leave anything out it won't be the full story," she said gesturing him to take a seat.
"Sure, but you are scaring me a bit, Rory," Finn said, clearly concerned.
"Let me just start by saying that I've been working on a proposal to do my PhD. I am looking at NYC or Yale at this point, but I haven't ruled anything out that isn't too far yet. I think this is what I need to do to make me happy. I don't think I am ever going to be that girl who is going to be content with just being a mom, a wife with just some freelancing. I am always going to need to be and do more to like myself. And I know being a mom is already something I am lacking at. And in that sense me thinking about going back to school makes me worry, what effect it will have on Leah - whether I can be around enough. I am just beginning to connect with her, and if I am away even more, who knows if I can maintain that at all. But I know that if I just stay, just try to be her mom, she will see me struggle and I don't think that is the role model I can be either. I will have to try to balance things, and I will give it my best. This is the part that I am certain of," Rory explained, taking a deep breath.
"Rory, I am sure this is something we can figure out…," Finn began.
"There's more...," she interrupted him.
"The reason why I wanted to talk to you alone, is that things are a bit more complicated. As I was publishing my book and writing this proposal I went somewhere in my mind that is very different from the life we live together. I go to that place whenever I think about writing or my career in general, or how I want to make great things happen. What I am sorry about, is that whenever I want someone's opinion or just someone to bounce ideas off, it's not you I want to run to, even if it's just to talk, it's Logan. And let me just say before I continue, that no, I have not been having an affair with him. But there is a connection there that is important to me, important to me in a way that makes me whole. And I am not going to lie, that some part of me is and will always have feelings for him. I hoped I was through, but I cannot promise you that it'll stay that way. The problem is that I love you, too, or perhaps it is the other way around, that I love you and I love him too. I talked with him yesterday, and he told me you probably had an idea of how he felt too, and from both of us I apologize for all of this. I know that most mothers would probably choose stability, family over all of this, but I am just not sure. I don't know whether it is the disease or if it is just me, I really don't. Now, before you go thinking that this is a break up, stop, I am just explaining to you how I feel. The situation is that I have mixed feelings. And I need some time to think it through, talk to dr. Burg, probably mom too and hopefully with you as well some more. I am not sure if you are able to give me that time. But I want to make it clear that even though I may not be the perfect example of a mother, I do not intend to run out on her," she added, looking carefully at Finn for his reaction.
"So let me get this right," Finn began, "You'll go back to university and at the same time not run out on her, but you prefer sharing that a part of your life rather with Logan than me," he added, with an angry tremble in his voice.
Rory nodded, wiping away her tears, that were just beginning to form.
"I can't make you talk to me Rory, if you don't share what is going through that mind of yours with me, I can't force it out of you, but what I do wish is that you would have at least tried. I would've read it, I would have talked to you about it. Instead you hid it from me, pretending everything was fine. We were making wedding plans just last week, for god's sake," he explained, swallowing his tears.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"I am just going to go now, I need to think about all of this," Finn said, as he rose, and walked through the door. Rory followed her, wiping her tears away, to see him walk to his car and drive off.
"Rory, what just happened?" Lorelai asked, holding Leah on her hip.
"Hi Leah," Rory greeted, walking over to her, clearing her thoughts for a moment. "I've missed you, Leah," she said smelling her hair and kissing her.
"I am not sure I can talk about this again with her here, I promised myself I wouldn't go falling apart in front of her," she explained.
"Just tell me the gist, was this a break up?" Lorelai asked.
"Some second thoughts at this point," she replied, trying to focus her attention on Leah to avoid tearing up.
"Oh, Rory, did you…? What happened in New York?" she asked.
"No, I haven't cheated on him," she replied, shaking her head, adding a moment later, "but I did see Logan."
"Oh..," she sighed sitting on an armrest.
"I did figure out what I want to do next fall, however," Rory stated, sounding cheerier.
"What?" she asked.
"If I get some funding and get accepted, I want to go get my PhD," she announced.
While Lorelai hated to see Rory conflicted in her relationships, that last sentence gave her some hope. Rory had loved learning, pushing herself, more than life itself, it was who she was. And whether she liked it or not, Rory's current life reminded her a bit too much of the time she'd joined the D.A.R and dropped out of Yale. The past couple of years of dissapointments and poor decisions had taken a toll on Rory's self-esteem, and learning was one of the things that could make it better again. She didn't care who she was with as long as she was happy, but she knew that things were more complicated now than she had a daughter and that daughter had a father.