Chapter 28: John Phoenix Incestigations
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my grandmother. She is a big fan of John Phoenix and I read her every chapter over skype. Grandma wants Capcom to add John Phoenix to AA7 before she dies. She may die any day now of Oldness, so please, go to my profile and vote on my poll (it's actually a petition) and force Crapcom to add John Phoenix to AA7 (or else).
A/N 2: You know how I said there were only going to be 30 chapters? Well I decided to cheat by combining multiple chapters into one! Now THIS is the longest chapter, because it's actually six in one!
Chapter 28 Part I
Professor Layton was in a curio shop in Khurain City. With him were his assistants Luke Triton and Emmy. Emmy's last name is unknown. Let's just say that some of her clothes are yellow and that she has brown hair and leave it at that.
"Look, Professor, it's a curio!" exclaimed the excitable young boy with the blue hat and blue shirt and brown pants and shoes on his feet (Luke Triton).
"Ohohoho, that is a curious curio, my boy," smiled Layton.
Professor Layton had come to Khurain in search of an ancient Khurainese artifact which was said to have magical properties. He wanted to smuggle this priceless treasure out of its native land so he could display in his private museum and charge people a small fee to see it. The trio had gotten trapped in the country following the outbreak of the War.
Suddenly there was a terrorist attack in the marketplace outside! A suicide bomber detonated his vest in the middle of the crowd and dozens of body parts bounced against the windows of the store like giant moths!
"Oh my word," said the Professor, mildy unerved.
Then a burst of gunfire shattered the windows and a hail of bullets made their way toward Luke!
Emmy stepped forward. "Luke, use me as a human shield," she said.
Luke hesitated to use Emmy as a human shield. Emmy smiled.
"It's okay, Luke. I'm an adult and you're just a child. It's only proper that you should use me as human shield."
Luke's gaze shifted to the professor. He, too, smiled.
"Go on, my boy," said Layton encouragingly. "She's quite right. Use Emmy as a human shield. Go on, lad!"
Luke used Emmy as a human shield and the bullets hit her instead of him.
"I'm glad I could be a human shield and save your life, Luke." She closed her eyes and died.
"You're welcome, Emmy."
Luke walked over to the professor.
"Nice job using Emmy as a human shield, my boy," said Professor Layton.
"You're welcome, Professor."
Professor Layton watched Emmy's blood pool up against the triangular base of a display shelf. Emmy's bloodspill reminded him of a puzzle.
"Hmm, this reminds me of a puzzle."
Luke solved a puzzle about triangles and earned 15 picarats (imaginary unit Layton invented).
"Nice job solving the puzzle, Luke."
"You're welcome, Professor."
People outside were still screaming, so Layton carefully looked out the broken window. A terrorist on a horse, the motorcycle of the Khurainese world, pointed an Uzi right in his face!
"Die, bastard!" the terrorist screamed. But just then John Phoenix arrived on his motorcycle! He used a collapsed market stall as a ramp and jumped his motorcycle over the horse! He did a spin midair and the rear wheel of the bike smacked the terrorist in the head and knocked his skull out of his mouth. The man's head deflated from lack of skull and he died and slid off the horse.
The horse watched in mounting horror, panting and sweating, as John Phoenix landed and got off his bike. John Phoenix reached into his pants and pulled something out. It was a new custom gun, a fully automatic Desert Eagle with a custom 200 round magazine. John Phoenix unloaded the entire magazine into the terrorist horse, his face expressionless, the muzzle flashes reflected in his awesome aviators.
When he was done, two foals crawled out of the bloody horse carcass; you see, the terrorist horse had been pregnant all along. The baby horses took one look at John Phoenix and ran away at full gallop. John Phoenix let them go. They were innocent.
John Phoenix turned to the stunned Layton. "You're welcome."
Chapter 28 Part II
Later...
John Phoenix, Edgeworth, Layton, and Luke were having lunch in a streetside cafe. On the table was a newspaper with a photo showing the Edgeworth II carrying the POWs back to Khurain. They were hanging from the bottom of the plane by each other's feet in a long human chain. John Phoenix had received several Medals of Honor for his bravery. He just threw them into his suitcase with the rest of them.
John Phoenix and Professor Layton chatted learnedly about many topics, and about Layton's journey to Khurain. Professor Layton being in this story was actually foreshadowed in Chapter 22. In that chapter's newspaper, below the headline about John Phoenix's uncle being a terrorist, there had also been a small item about Layton's search for the magical artifact.
The topic of discussion turned quite naturally to John Phoenix's world-famous psychic powers, in which the professor was very interested. John Phoenix explained his belief in the psychic manipulator, and how he believed the manipulator had been stalking him for some time.
You see, in Chapter 6, Gumshoe pointed out that the bottle on the table was knocked over. This keen observation had been troubling John Phoenix for the last 22 chapters. Because he distinctly remembered his uncle putting the bottle back on the table rightside up. He had immediately suspected a psychic manipulator at the time, but had had no concrete proof until recently.
Layton nodded in understanding. He was something of an expert in psychic powers. In the wake of the events of Ghost Trick (which is canon in the official Ace Attorney continuity, as is The Adventures of John Phoenix), Professor Layton had published a book about how to protect yourself from psychics. He now slid a copy across the table to John Phoenix.
How to Protect Your Mind and Body From Psychic People, by Professor "Hershel" Layton.
"Thank you, Hershel," said John Phoenix, shaking his head, "but I have already found way to stop the intruder. I simply think in completely abstract terms which would be impossible for any outsider to understand, a sort of mind cipher. It is an advanced way of thinking I invented all by myself."
"How brilliant," murmured the professor. "Bravo...!"
Miles took the book. "I believe I could make use of this book, however. I have a few dozen military trials to prosecute today, so I'll flip through it then. I believe John Phoenix also has a trial today? His first in our military courts?"
"Hmm, yes, it's starting soon," said John Phoenix, checking his watch. "After it's over, Hershel, I shall join you in your investigations. Except it will actually be John Phoenix's investigation, and it shall be about finding what I want to find, not what you want. My uncle's trial is tomorrow, so I need to find the magic pen soon."
"I shall be waiting most eagerly... John..." said Professor Layton.
John Phoenix flew into the sky and to the army base. He thought back to the events that had led to this trial...
Chapter 28 Part III
Last night, after John Phoenix had returned from the rescue mission...
It was midnight. John Phoenix wheeled his motorcycle into the hospital wing of the base. It was very dark, the only light coming through the windows from the lamp posts outside.
Most of the patients were asleep. Ron DeLite was there, in a coma. Parts of Max Galactica's dead neck had been transplanted into Ron's in an effort to save him, but Max's neck cells were cancerous and they spread to Ron's brain and gave him a brain coma. Now it didn't look like he'd make it. John Phoenix did a quick prayer over this man, and the sleeping Apollo Justice and Louie DeNonno as well, and then continued on his way to his target.
Dylan Fitchar was awake, the pain from his burns preventing him from sleeping. John Phoenix aimed the headlight at him and flashed it on and off, three times, giving Dylan cancer in three different places.
"W-what did you do that f-for?" asked Dylan.
"My bike is magic. I gave you cancer."
Dylan deserved this.
"I-I-I'll tell on you!" whimpered Dylan, the cancer already spreading through his bloodstream.
John Phoenix grew thoughtful. "You would, wouldn't you, you little pig?"
John Phoenix decided to silence this man. He pulled out a knife and cut out Dylan's tongue. That way he couldn't tell on him. Next, he cut off all of Dylan's fingers so he couldn't accuse him in writing or by pointing at him.
Dylan sobbed like a little pathetic baby. John Phoenix just laughed and spit on him. Then he decided to hide the body parts in the one place no one would ever find them: in his pockets. Attempting to look into John Phoenix's pockets would be a suicide mission few would dare attempt.
"I'll be back to torture you later," promised John Phoenix, and then he left.
Before going to bed, John Phoenix decided to head to the R&D wing of the base, where Merlin and Ema Skye were working on his new power suit. He had given them a drawing of what he wanted it to look like, and also gave them instructions to make it just like the Dragon's armor, except better and totally original.
You might be wondering, "Why is Ema Skye building suits of robotic armor?" The answer is that she's working on the parts of the armor that involve forensic science, like the fingerprints. The law mandated that all robots and suits of power armor have their own unique fingerprints. That way they could be traced if they were used in a crime.
Anyway, Merlin had turned in for the night, so only Ema was left working on John Phoenix's armor. She was putting the finishing touches on the footprints (those were also required) when the notorious Benjamin Woodman slunk out of the shadows.
"Hello, will you be my girlfriend," asked Ben evilly.
"No," said Ema.
"I will kill you now," said Ben and he took out a knife.
Ben tried to kill Ema but she chewed open a bottle of acid she had stored her cheek for just such an occasion and spat it into his eyes! Ben screamed in agony as his eyeballs melted down his face like runny eggs!
"Now I'll kill you even harder," snarled Ben, and he took out a second knife. But just then John Phoenix flew over and started kicking his ass!
"You're going to military court, scumbag!"
Chapter 28 Part IV
Back in the present...
John Phoenix arrived at the military courtroom for the trial of Benjamin Woodman.
"Military court is now in session," said the military judge. He looked exactly like the non-military judge except he had glasses and hair and he was black.
"The prosecution is ready, Your Honor," said Franziska von Karma. She had finally achieved her dream of becoming an army lawyer.
"I have been ready since the second I left the womb," said John Phoenix. Yes, he was defending Ben Woodman. There was no one else to do it because all the other military defense attorneys were on leave, or had been killed in the terrorist attack earlier.
Ben Woodman smiled both evilly and blindly. He thought that with John Phoenix, the undefeated defense attorney, on his side that he was in the clear.
Naive fool. John Phoenix was going to kill him after the trial anyway. That was his M.O. with truly guilty clients: defend them successfully to maintain his perfect win record, and then execute them afterwards.
But for once John Phoenix wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. Let Ben Woodman get a Not Guilty verdict? Let him die with the official records stating he's innocent?
Innocent? INNOCENT? Ben Woodman, the creepy pedo who played with puppets? No! It would be an insult to Ema and Ben's other victims. John Phoenix decided making sure Ben Woodman was guilty in the eyes of the law and the public was more important than some meaningless record. After all, everybody would still know that he's the best and just lost on purpose.
This is called character growth.
John Phoenix had an additional reason for wanting Ben dead/guilty: he was 1 cm taller than him. When they had their photo taken after saving the POWs, Ben had drawn himself up to his full height and stood next to John Phoenix to made him look bad.
For this he had to die.
"Okay, Ms. von Karma, you may call your first-"
"OBJECTION!" yelled John Phoenix. "That won't be necessary. My client is guilty. I want him executed. Give your verdict NOW!" He slammed his desk with his fist and it splintered in half.
"Oh, well if that's what you want, Mr. Phoenix, who am I to go against you!" The judge slammed his gavel. "I find Ben Woodman GUILTY! The sentence is immediate death! But first, let me sign these legal documents to make everything official."
A little while later, Ben Woodman moaned and wept as he was forced down onto the guillotine. John Phoenix, Franziska, Ema, and everybody else involved with the trial were there to watch. The judge was about to drop the blade, but John Phoenix took the rope out of his hands.
"No. I want to."
Before John Phoenix pulled the rope, he took Trilo Quist away from Ben.
"Trilo is mine now. He likes me better."
He pulled the rope and the blade went whack! and Ben's severed head fell onto a spring and then boinged across the room into a trash can. This is an example of sarcastic justice.
"Thank you for bringing Woodman to justice, John Phoenix," said Emmy Skye. "And for kicking his ass. How can I ever repay you?"
John Phoenix handed her Trilo Quist. "Incorporate Trilo Quist into my suit of power armor."
"But how? He is merely a puppet."
"Just do it. Trilo Quist is my friend."
John Phoenix went to leave, but Franziska stopped him.
"Hmph, how does it feel to finally lose, John Phoenix?" she boasted. "You were so afraid of me you gave up immediately!"
John Phoenix just smirked and handed her the official records for the trial. "Read this."
She read the documents and to her shock they clearly said that JOHN PHOENIX had won, even though Ben Woodman had been found GUILTY!
"B-b-huh wh-h-what!" sputtered Franziska, squeezing the papers. "F-f-f-forged? Forgery? Is that what this foolish nonsense is?"
"You insult me. It is no forgery. When the judge was signing the records, I merely used my psychic powers to manipulate his pencil into writing 'John Phoenix won, Franziska lost'. Thus my win record is still perfect. Unlike, heh, yours..."
"BUT YOU CHEATED!" cried Franziska, but she knew deep down that this wasn't true, and that John Phoenix had bested her honestly and like a gentleman.
"Believe that if you want," he shrugged. "But it's the judge's handwriting, so the true culprit is, obviously, him. He'll probably have his judge's badge taken away, and go to jail for his incompetence, but that's a small price to pay to maintain my record. Good day!"
And John Phoenix left the seething woman to meet up with Professor Layton.
Chapter 28 Part V
For the first part of John Phoenix's investigation, he and the professor and Luke went to a spirit channeling nunnery. It was time for him to learn what was going on in heaven.
"Oh dearie me, what an honor to have you here," said the mother superior, leading them into the inner rectum of the building. "I must warn you, these women have never seen a man before, and certainly not one as handsome as yourself, so they may do something foolish like try to date you or even marry you!"
"Ha ha, perfectly understandable reaction!" laughed the professor.
"Thank you, Hershel," smiled John Phoenix.
Inside the spirit channeling room they met about three dozen different women in spirit medium outfits. The least ugly one of them all stepped forward and was presented to John Phoenix.
"Channel Maya Fey for me," ordered John Phoenix. He had been unable to make psychic communication with the woman for two days, so he was now convinced she was dead.
"Anything for you, John Phoenix," said the girl and she batted her eyelashes.
"I'm not sure she'll be able to channel anyone, though," said the mother superior, fluttering her hands. "Nobody has able to channel any spirits in a week! It's unprecedented!"
"You just don't know how work these nuns, Mother," said John Phoenix, and he wrapped an arm around the spirit medium's neck and pressed his Desert Eagle against her temple! "Now, you either bring Maya here or I'll bring you to her!"
The girl sweated hard, would she be able to do it? It took a few moments, and John Phoenix pulled the trigger 2/3rds of the way home, but finally a miracle happened and she channeled Maya!
"Whoa, hey, John Phoenix!" said Maya. "So I guess you know I'm dead now, huh?"
"Shut up," he said. "Be quiet. Now tell me, how did you die?"
"Um... I slipped on a bar of soap... and fell into the toilet... and drowned?"
"Hmph," sounded John Phoenix, "what a pointless way to die. This is why I only use Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap. You can't slip and die on it."
"H-heh, yeah. A-anyway, I'm kinda uncomfortable with this gun to my head, so I'd better be going..."
John Phoenix put his gun away. "Two more questions. Why did God make the stars say 'SOS' and why have the spirits been unavailable for the last week?"
"That was a prank, and everybody's just praying in church constantly. This week is a prayer drive. God's been feeling sick and he needs all the extra prayers."
John Phoenix could get no more out of her, so he let her return to heaven.
"Well, John Phoenix?" asked Layton. "What do you think?"
"All lies, obviously," he responded.
"I'm inclined to agree. But why?"
"Who knows? We can't spend anymore time on this right now. We must focus on the Magic Pen first and foremost."
"Right!" agreed Luke. "Or else your uncle will be executed for sure!"
"I hope I'll see you again," said the spirit medium. John Phoenix snapped her neck.
Everyone was shocked.
"Oh, why did you do that, John Phoenix!" cried the mother superior.
"Because she's a terrorist." John Phoenix took the dead woman's shirt off and revealed her terrorist tattoos!
"Excellent, but what lead you to your conclusion?" asked Layton.
"Simple," said John Phoenix. "These women have never seen men before, I arrived unannounced, I wasn't introduced, and yet she knew I was John Phoenix. Obviously that meant she was a terrorist."
He took his gun back out! "Everybody against the wall and strip! Now! Oh, not you Hershel."
John Phoenix was looking for other terrorist nuns. There were quite a few with tattoos, twelve in fact, and John Phoenix shot them all like dogs. Then he shook the mother superior's hand (psychically) and left to continue his investigation.
Chapter 28 Part VI
For the next part of his investigation, John Phoenix psychically communicated with everyone in Khurain City and asked them if they had seen anyone with a pen.
"Oh, I have, mister," said a little boy John Phoenix was communicating with. "Two strange fellows in cloaks were carrying a pen and talking about the Khurainese Crystal. I overheard it all, the evil Dragon is their master!"
"I see," said John Phoenix. "So long."
"Wait, mister, are you God?"
"No, merely godlike," he said humbly.
John Phoenix related all this to the professor. Layton immediately grew aroused.
"The Khurainese Crystal is the treasure I've been searching for!" he exclaimed.
"Finally, a lead!" said Luke.
They asked around about these cloaked men, and eventually John Phoenix's investigation lead them to the base of Khurain Mountain. They went into a gift shop and the old woman inside told them that the men stopped to buy John Phoenix bobbleheads and ask for directions to the ancient Khurainese Temple.
"It's located alllll the way on the tippy top," she said.
So they began climbing the mountain. It was a sheer climb, and it had to be done without climbing gear, as climbing gear was strictly forbidden on such a holy site. John Phoenix carried Luke on his back in a baby carrier. John could have flown, obviously, but he wanted a challenge.
Eventually they made it to the top of the mountain and beheld the temple. It was, basically, a cube. But it was a cube with a door, and that made all the difference.
They all entered the dark, dusty temple. It was filled with bats, skeletons, chandeliers, and portraits of saints on the walls. It was yellow, because it was like a pyramid, except a cube, and it was also used in ancient times to store grain, because it was like pyramid.
"Keep an eye out for anything that looks like a pen," warned John Phoenix.
They walked down a hallway and came to a door. It was locked with a puzzle.
"Care to give it a shot, my boy?" asked Layton.
"Of course, Prof-"
"He was talking to me," snapped John Phoenix. He examined the puzzle closely. It was some sort of math puzzle about filling in missing numbers in a subtraction problem with a lot of digits. John Phoenix's eyes glazed over. Boring. He just tried every possible combination until he got the correct one.
The door (actually a heavy stone slab) sunk into the floor!
"Sound method, John Phoenix," said Layton. "Trying every single combination at lightning speed is by far the most efficient way to solve some puzzles. Luke here would probably have actually tried to work it out in his head. Ohohoho! How silly."
Luke objected. "But it's smarter to do it that way!"
"It's smarter to take longer, and to waste your precious time on this earth?" Layton shook his head. "Luke, you have a lot to learn!"
They descended a spiral staircase in the next room and eventually came to a large underground room with a waterfall and a pond in the center. There was a stone bridge leading to an island and on the island was a chessboard on a plinth.
There was a plate on the side of plinth that read, "To make the crystal appear, place eight queens on the board in such a way that none of the queens lie in the others' lines of attack."
"Ah, the eight queens problem!" said Luke. "We've encountered this one on our adventures before, haven't we, Professor? I confess I don't remember the exact solution, but it shouldn't be too hard, I'll just try every possible combin-"
"No," said John Phoenix. "That would take too long."
John Phoenix just stacked all the queens on top of eachother in the middle of board. This is the smartest way to solve the puzzle.
Suddenly the plinth sunk into the floor, and then rose again, and now a giant shining green crystal was on it!
"The Khurainse Crystal!" cried Layton, his arousal growing even greater. "Finally, after all this time!"
Just then the room began to shake, stones fell from the ceiling, and a giant drill attached to a car (it looked like Dick Dastardly's) crashed into the room!
"Nyeh nee hee nee nah nee!" laughed one of the two figures under the dome of the car. "Thanks for solving that impossible puzzle for us, you blasted attorney!"
"Who are these clowns?" asked John Phoenix.
"It's Don Paolo and his eviler brother Juan Paolo!" said Layton, glaring hatefully. "And I won't let them steal this treasure! It belongs to ENGLAND, not whatever damned country they're from!" He grabbed the crystal and ran for it, the car in hot pursuit!
"HAHAHAHA!" laughed Juan Paolo. "I've been waiting a long time to drill you, Layton!"
"Oh no, Professor!" cried Luke. John Phoenix threw the small boy into the pond so he would stop being annoying and took action! He did a running dive and shattered the glass dome of the car and started strangling Don Paolo!
"Where's the magic pen! Tell me now!"
Juan Paolo, still trying to drill Layton, said, "Donnie, just give it to him, it's the crystal that's important!"
The blue-faced Don Paolo reached into his wallet and handed John Phoenix the pen.
John Phoenix nodded, also taking the wallet. "Okay, now to gouge your eyes out with the pen." But suddenly-
"HELP, I'M DROWNING!" cried the annoying child, drowning obnoxiously. John Phoenix had no choice but to fly over and rescue him.
"Why did you even make me throw you in the water if you can't swim!" growled John Phoenix.
Meanwhile, Don and Juan Paolo had activated a giant mechanical hand that grabbed the crystal!
"Damnation!" cursed Layton, still running. "That crystal isn't yours to take!"
"You're right," said Juan Paolo, "it's the Dragon's! And now, while I'd love to kill you, I believe John Phoenix is about to kill ME, so I must take my leave! So long, Lameton." A giant flame shot out the back of the car and the drill rocketed forward and dug out of the side of the mountain.
John Phoenix and Luke and Layton ran down this newly formed cavern to the edge of the mountain. They looked down on the city but the car was gone, disappeared!
"They got away, Professor," said Luke sadly.
"Look on the bright side, my boy, at least John Phoenix found the magic pen! Will you be returning to the States to defend your uncle now?"
John Phoenix shook his head. "Not yet. I still have a day left, remember? I want to know what my adversary plans to do with that magic crystal." He was reminded of something. "But speaking of defending people, let me check how my cousin's defense is getting along. The tral's today."
A few seconds passed. John Phoenix's forehead got angry.
"John Phoenix, there are lines on your forehead suggesting anger," observed Layton. "Why?"
"Because Marvin Grossberg won't defend my cousin, and neither will any other defense attorney for some reason. They're afraid of terrorists, I think? And apparently there's a new law that says you can't use psychic powers in court anymore, so if I want to defend my cousin myself I'd have to go all the way back to America."
"And will you, John?" asked Layton.
"No. Not yet, Hershel. I'm needed here. It seems I'll have to break a legendary defense attorney out of prison. A man wrongly accused. A man not as great as me, but perhaps a distant third, or even second..."
Back in Los Angeles...
It was a comfortable cell, to be sure. A plush armchair, a large bookshelf, and a single flower in a measuring cup. There was also a small table with a framed headshot of John Phoenix on it. "To my dear friend, a man railroaded by a corrupt justice system, from yr. friend, JOHN PHOENIX" said the message on the photo.
Kristoph Gavin was levitating in the lotus position. Suddenly his hair began to blow around like there was an invisible hair dryer nearby.
"Ah," he said with a smile, opening his eyes, "so my friend John Phoenix requires my help, hmm?"
To be continued...
BONUS EMOJIS
Professor Layton 👨
Luke Layton 👨
Emmy ? 👨
Terrorist 👨
Horse 👨
Military judge 👨
Mother superior 👨
Spirit Medium 👨
Little boy 👨
Old lady 👨
Don Paolo 👨
Juan Paolo 👨