Chapter 21

Heero blinked, groggily awoke by a bouncing on his bed. He looked over, unsurprised to see the bouncing was Duo, his long hair unbraided and bouncing all around him.

Seeing Heero awake Duo said excitedly spilled out a stream of thoughts, "You know Heero I was thinking, maybe you should join a drug support group. Talk to people who really understand where you are coming from, and what you're experiencing might be what you need. I stayed up reading a lot about it last night, and a lot of people say the twelve step program has really helped them, and know I was thinking it might work better for you than white knuckling it and relapsing off and on, you know. No offense man, relapse has just been ummm. . . difficult for you. I don't know if it is "supposed to be that way or if it could be easier? I don't know. . ." Duo finished, finally seeming out of breath.

Heero half-heartedly glared at his partner and mumbled, "Duo, did you have to wake me up to tell me this, right this second?"

"Oh, yea, I guess so" Duo said ruefully, "but it is important 'Ro, you know?"

"How many cups of coffee have you already had this morning, Duo? And what time is it?"

"Four cups so far" Duo said, bouncing on the balls of his feet, "and it's 6am."

"Maybe I am not the only one with a substance problem in this relationship. Did you even sleep?" Heero said with a sigh, rolling out of bed and neatly folded the clothes he would wear that day.

"I am just excited. Is this not a good idea?"

"Shower, and coffee. Then we can talk." Heero said kindly.

"Sure thing, Ro, see you downstairs" Duo said hopping of Heero's bed, and practically skipping out of the room.

With Duo gone, Heero unceremoniously locked his bedroom door, and went back to bed. Just as he was falling asleep he was startled awake again, by his over caffeinated partner knocking on his door.

Heero unlocked it, and opened the door midway through Duo's knock. Instinct took over for both of them. Heero blocked Duo's punch and then went in for a leg sweep. Duo back flipped out of the way, but was caught off balance as Heero pushed off the wall to get momentum, and crashed into Duo. They fell to the floor and were still wrestling for dominance when Trowa come down the hall, eye brows raised.

"Heero's room is right there. Could you really not wait that long?"

Duo began to splutter a response, until he caught the twinkle of Trowa's uncovered eye that was his smile. Heero and Duo untangled quickly. Quatre came down the hall after Trowa, busting up laughing.

"What's so funny, Quat?"

"The great Heero Yuy just had a rueful expression on his face. I never thought I'd see the day. It is just so funny to imagine, let alone see."

Heero quickly masked his features, embarrassed at the attention being drawn to him.

"Relax, Ro. You gotta admit, it's pretty funny. We gotta laugh at ourselves. Our training really stuck, after all this time."

Heero just looked at Duo.

"Heero, we've got to work on your sense of humor. Even you have to appreciate that in a morbid way, this is pretty funny."

"I suppose so" Heero replied.

"Give the man a break, Duo. He hasn't had his coffee yet," Trowa reminded.

"Right! Coffee! Let's go get some!"

"No, Duo" Heero said seriously, "You've had enough coffee. Past enough. Has no one told you about moderation?!" and then Heero really did smile, that he of all people was talking about moderation, and trying to cutting Duo off his caffeine. "Yes. Fucked up things can be funny" Heero consented.

"It's like I'm rubbing off on you" Duo said with a grin of his own. Turning more serious Duo said, "When you have time, just think about what I said, okay?"

"I will."

Heero did think seriously about attending support meetings all morning while he worked at the shop.

When lunch rolled around Enson said, "You've been especially quiet today".

Pausing before biting into his sandwich Heero responded, "Lost in thought."

"Care to share what about?"

"Something Duo said." When Enson looked expectantly, Heero continued, "He suggested I attend support meetings for addiction recovery."

"I see. Well after pondering all morning, what do you think about his idea?"

"I realized I don't know much about support meetings. Have you ever attended them?"

"Yes, I have."

"What are they like?"

Looking down at his clasped hands Enson said, "They are a little odd at first, but there is a lot of good about them. It is comforting to be in a place where people are all fighting the same sickness you are. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. Rather than judgment, those meetings offer fellowship. If you are willing, they figuratively hold up a mirror to you, and help you really see yourself. Then they help you work towards whatever change you wished you were when you looked in the mirrior". Looking up at Heero Enson continued, "I think meetings will be very difficult for you, with of how much they require you to socialize and be a member of a group. That's not necessarily a bad thing though."

"What do you do at them exactly?"

"In short, everyone share's their stories of recovery – the victories and the struggles. Sometimes there are themes or topics, but even them you're still allowed to share what's on your mind. You aren't required to share, but if you don't consistently you might get less out of the meetings than otherwise."

"I'm still not sure if I understand."

Enson smiled, "No, I don't suppose you would. You'll have to trust me when I say that there's a kind of power in sharing your story and then not being judged for it. There are a lot of clichés in meetings that are generally true. One of them is 'pain shared is pain lessened', and I've found that to be true in meetings."

"Hn."

"Do you want me to go to a meeting with you, Heero?"

"I'm not sure. Do you still go to them?"

"I stopped for a long time, but stared attending them again several months ago."

"Oh."

"It's not something I blame you for, Heero. It is good for me to go back. I haven't been going because you make me want to drink. I go because I want to get better ideas of how to help you. I may have mentioned the idea to Duo."

"He's gone with you, hasn't he." It wasn't a question.

Enson just nodded. "Yes. He came with me after you relapsed. Friends and family of addicts can feel pretty helpless sometimes. There are meetings just for friends and family, also, which I've suggested to Duo as well. Since struggles with addiction aren't new to your group, I was a bit surprised no one else has gone. There is so much pride among you five."

"You're talking about Trowa?"

"Heroin is an extremely difficult substance to stop, and one with strong cravings to start again. I have been surprised that Trowa hasn't gotten this kind of support."

"If he has," Heero responded, "it wouldn't be something he'd tell us. Maybe he has and we just don't know."

They left the wondering hanging, and returned back to their mutual projects.

Six in the evening came, and the day was ready to be done. Darkness hung heavy outside, and winter weather loomed, threatening the autumn away. Enson sunk into his chair with a sigh of relief as Heero cleaned their tools, and put them away.

Heero was sliding on his leather jacket when Enson said, "Heero, something else has been bothering you today. What is it?"

Heero signed, putting down the motorcycle helmet he had just picked up. He felt ancient, and he felt tired. "I've had a lot of help from you all. I am grateful for it."

"And?" Enson pushed.

"Thinking about these support meetings for abstinence. . . I'm not sure I'm done. This quiet life of love and a repair shop, and maybe the occasional mission? Sharing a house with all of the people I shared the war with, trying to build new lives? I love Duo, I think, and I would have to do a lot of growing, and changing to belong in this life. Yesterday you challenged me to choose this for myself, to have the courage to stop running, and for me that means the courage to keep living. It is a fair challenge. Stopping this is the 'right thing to do', if 'right' exists at all" Heero signed deeply, running his hands through his hair in agitation. "Not enough of me wants to. With all of you wanting that for me, I don't know what to do. I don't like not knowing what to do" Heero finished hollowly.

Enson worked to master his emotions before he finally said, "I see. As you can probably understand I am sad to hear that. I know that recovery is difficult, even when someone wants it. If someone doesn't want it, I don't know if it lasts" Enson said with eyes glistening.

Heero's agitation made it difficult to speak. "You are not understanding" Heero growled, his hands pulling through his hair again n frustration. "I cannot accept a mission I don't have the skills for! This has never happened. I don't have what I need, and I am not finding it fast enough. This mission has never happened. It is a mission that lasts forever. How can I start it not knowing how?!"

"Oh Heero. You don't have be perfect at something new."

Heero slammed his fist against the wall, angry overflowing.

"You ask for perfection when you ask for abstience from drinking. I fail your expectations everytime I drink. Don't you understand how. . . infuritating it is to not be able to do this? I am the perfect soldier, and here, at this battle, I have been defeated. The deepest irony is that I am the only one who is willing to accept that."

After the silence stretched too long, Heero grabbed his helmet again, preparing to leave.

"Will you share these feelings with your friends? With Duo?"

Heero flinched internally, at the word "friends", but didn't comment on it. "Why?" Heero answered, with bitterness in his tone. Looking up he pierced Enson with his cold blue eyes and said, "You all are always talking about me behind my back. I doubt this time will be any different."

Heero closed his eyes, willing himself not to lose his temper further, or to fall apart in some other way. Expressing his emotions was not easy, and he had done it, done it today, and done it last night with Duo. He would not be defeated by becoming overwhelmed.

Heero felt Enson stand up from his chair to come over, and whispered, "Don't" before climbing onto his motor cycle and driving away. He didn't want a lecture, and he didn't want comfort. He was tired of expectation.

Heero thought about going to get drunk right then, to simplify things again. He thought about leaving again, and groaned under the knowledge that they would always keep looking for him. Defeated, He took a long way home through an out skirting forest, trying to breathe.

Heero pulled up to the mansion not much later than he normally would have, parked his bike, and walked inside.

As soon as he opened the front door He knew that Enson, following through with Heero's prediction, had shared Heero's thoughts with these people. The air was think with tension from the moment he closed the door. He half expected everyone to be standing in the entryway, waiting for him with another intervention, but it was mercifully empty. Clinking of plates from the dining room told him where everyone was. Quietly, as he was gifting in being, he made his way up the stairs to bed.

Heero knew that the other pilots would have heard the door open and close, but that didn't mean Heero felt obligated to be vulnerable to their feelings and questions. For once he didn't felt like he was running away, and that felt good. He was taking back his right to share about himself on his terms, and that felt good, too. It was fine if they were upset, and he didn't need them to take it out on him. They had each other for that.

Heero discarded his clothes, and sat on his window seat in his boxers. The fogged up class showcased the disparity of the cold outside and the warmth within the house. The forest stretched out before him, one he had grew to enjoy. He looked up to see the moon playing hide-and-seek with the clouds. Even nature could be playful, he thought.

As he sat, Hero reflected, I did not drink tonight. I chose not to. What I did was be honest, which is what they keep wanting from me anyway. My truth just isn't what they hoped for."

Only in the last day did Heero really understand they wanted abstinence, full drug recovery for him, and that was not a commitment he wanted to make. He would not make it to himself, and would not make it to these people. Duo and his love would have to wait if that was the condition.

Feeling familiar flicks of panic inside him, Heero's chest tightened, and his breathing quickened. What the fuck is this about? I shared my fucking emotions, why does this happen now afterward?! Choosing not to wait for the panic attack to take control, Heero set his feet in motion. He pulled his clothes back on, grabbed a heavier jacket, and made for the forest. With each step was the hope that the cold solitude would setting the fear monster growing in his chest.

The cold air broke over him as he had hoped, but spots had already sprung into his vision for lack of air. The more he demanded control of the panic, the more elusive control become. He knew he'd never make it to the forest like this. Finding a wall he did the all too familiar slide down it, head between his knees to hold off the dizziness as much as possible.

Breathe. Just breathe. God fucking damn it, BREATHE you stupid fuck! BREATHE! There. Was that so fucking hard? Now keep doing that. FUCK! BREATHE!

"You're hurting, Heero. I can feel it. That's why you can't breathe" Quatre said quietly, taking a spot on the cold ground with a little shiver.

Heero said nothing, Quatre's voice to quiet to be heard over the wind in his ears, the pounding in his mind. Hope of control was forgotten. Panic was in full control.

Quatre watched Heero, longing to hold him, and shield him from his hurt. But Heero didn't work the same way Trowa did. After thinking for a moment, Quatre began to hum. It was an old lullaby from his childhood, slow and soothing, but with a strong solid beat. Quatre hummed the short song over and over, putting emphasis on the beginning beat of each measure, willing Heero's breathing to follow the beat and slow.

Quatre was worried Heero would pass out before his breathing beat would help, but slowly, Heero's breathing fell in line.

Quatre didn't need to say he had sensed Heero.

Heero blinked open his eyes and then wish he didn't as the world started spinning around him. He squeezed his eyes shut again, willing himself not to throw up. Seeing Heero's renewed distress, Quatre kept humming along, soothing himself and Heero alike.

When Quatre started shivering, he stopped the song, and he and Heero woke from the spell of the melody back into the cold night.

"Are you feeling better?" Heero asked quietly.

"What?" Quatre asked, confused.

"Last night, you were unwell. Stressed. Tried. Overwhelmed. Are you feeling better?"

"Yes actually, I am. The stressful deal has been made, and tomorrow is Friday. It felt good to finish something so difficult, and I am not eager to do it again."

"Understood."

"You're in pain, Heero."

"Don't, Quatre."

"Should I be worried about your safety?" Quatre asked with frank sincerity.

"I came out here to breathe. I just didn't catch it fast enough, took too long finding a warm jacket."

"Are you going to come inside? It's very cold tonight."

"No. I mean to walk for a while, still."

"I would like to send Trowa to walk with you. He likes the cold more than me, and can keep his mouth shut better than I can."

"No." Heero said flatly, then sighed and tried again, "No thank you. I don't need a chaperon. I was going to bed, and then I needed some air. I am going to get some air, and then I plan to go back to bed."

Quatre nodded, but didn't leave. Their unsaid words where heavy, and aching.

"Enson. . ." Quatre began.

"I know" Heero said, cutting Quatre off. "That was his choice to tell you. I still have the choice not to talk about it."

"You do" Quatre said sadly. "What you don't get to choose is that consequence of what you said, though wonderfully honest. Duo is hurt. Enson is hurt. I am hurt. We are all hurt. You, Heero, you have also hurt yourself."

Heero shrugged, "Honesty hurts then."

"Heero, I want to understand. I want to not make assumptions. Can you help me understanding?"

"Quatre, I didn't start this conversation, and it is not one I plan to have right now. Enson asked me a question, and I was thinking out loud in the answer. Obviously answering was a mistake. I don't have anything more to say about it, and I am tired of fueling your fucking rumor mill. Its how I feel. You can decide what you think that makes me. I came to get air. Thank you for your help. Now, I am going to get air."

Heero stood up, tilted a little, but then steadied, and opened his eyes to see Quatre's worried blue eyes.

"Did you -"

"No" Heero said defiantly, pouring steel into his own blue gaze. He turned away from Quatre, his black coat flapping in the wind, and walked down to the forest, alone.