Chapter XXI

You Want It Darker

"Damn. This is what you get when you feed Yuffie sugar." - Barret

"Great," Barret said, stepping through the portal and tapping the locator charm with his index finger. It flickered before quieting to a dull glow. It seemed to enjoy the company of his nearby Sense materia, so he had dangled the charm from the muzzle of his gun arm. "That way." Yet another portal flickered to life in the crook of the hallway. Barret grunted and led his entourage through, hoping Whippy left enough of Yuffie alive for him to curse at when he found her.

"Back here again?" Cissnei frowned at him. "I recognize these dank walls, all encrusted with mold and dripping with ichor."

"Ho-ho-hoo!" Bugenhagen bobbed forward. "You overstate. Merely water condensation, due to the surrounding humid climate."

"Not Cosmo Canyon then," Barret stepped forward. "Unless you have a discarded whale carcass lying around in your observatory." The locater glowed green as he stepped down a new tunnel. "Getting warmer, folks. Butt kicking time ahead."

"Am I the only one who has to walk in this stuff?" Cissnei angled up the tubular wall to escape the rivulet of slop. "It smells like rabbit vomit in here."

"How, and where, did you smell rabbit vomit?" Vincent, ever the smart-ass, floated just above the flowing surface.

"Yo! I see somethin'!" With a couple splashes that even spattered Vincent, Barret tore into a cavernous room to where a spray of blood darkened one of the stone protrusions along the base of the wall. Two metal spikes remained embedded in the floor, while a third lay some distance away, trailing cut lengths of twine. No sign of a fourth spike, though he spotted a hole for it in the floor. More threads of twine lay across the blood spatter.

"Nothing good happened here." Cissnei dabbed a handkerchief onto the blood. "Still tacky."

"For some reason, this charm likes this old urn." Barret shoved the lid off, not willing to smash it as he would in a video game. He peered over and - "Hey!" - jumped back as a rat vaulted out and streaked for a pair of tumbled crates. He looked again and . . . empty. The amulet dimmed. It didn't even light up when he stepped toward the rat's new hideout.

"What the hell." It began to brighten when he returned to the urn, but even that faded within seconds. "What a piece of trash. Dead end."

Vincent said, "It tracks the stolen weapon, not the girl."

"Wait. Over here." Cissnei shown a light on a streak of dark red curving toward a smaller tunnel exit. Shining the light farther, she picked out a trail of drops and spatters, along with a smudged shoe print. "Too big to be hers. Looks like she got away and he gave chase."

"Good. Because I want words with that brat when I catch her and I can't well do that if she's dead."

"Unless. You get the Jenova to resurrect her," Vincent floated after the trail of blood drops.

"The hell he will. Like we need weeks of her playing the damn victim?"

"She is the victim."

"She caused this whole goddamned mess! I'll - wait. More blood here. Behind this crate. And a knife."

"Ho-ho-hoo! Looks like she stuck him from behind. That's our Flower of Wutai!"

"She hates that title. So I intend to use it as often as possible, the brat."

Cissnei shone her light ahead to where the passage bifurcated. "Looks like she laid a false trail. See? Doofus had to try both paths. And look over here." Cissnei went down the left path. "Looks like she stuck him again. Look."

A wet prong of metal lay behind an urn.

"Someone managed to bind their wounds." Vincent lifted a scrap of cloth. Spots of dried blood stained the lower half.

"That lunatic chased her this way." Barret shone a high beam attached to his gun sight. "This locator stone is going berserk."

"She climbed up here." Vincent rose to look. "Crawlspace."

Bugenhagen puffed past him into the slot. "Ho-ho-hoo! Ho-ho-hoo! Looks like she pushed pottery down onto him."

"The brat drives everyone berserk. Though I approve this time."

They traipsed through the wreckage until they halted under an inverted moon crater. Rubble covered the floor in a smashed pie plate formation. Cissnei yelped and leapt aside as a curtain of dust rumbled down toward her.

"Up here!" Bugenhagen drifted out of a wall gash and ascended. Vincent followed like vampire cloaked steam.

"Grab my waist, Cissnei. It's grapplin' hook time."

"How did I know we'd find another damn portal up here? The whole universe is infested with Yuffie shaped termites."

Ah. But this one made the locator charm shine a solid green. Not that it hadn't messed with his head before. But this portal, unlike the others they had stepped through, had exuded a feeling of permanence. As in, not simply ripped open by Yuffie.

"I'm more dirt than Cissnei now. If I appeared in public you would accuse me of wearing blackface."

Barret dug out a grease rag which she took and scrubbed the oval of her face.

"It appears," Vincent said, "They had a fireball duel just below here." He, of course, floated without a speck of dust on him. As did Bugenhagen, but that little genie-dervish could create his own whirlwind just by twirling his beard.

"She stole some materia off him? Way to go, kiddo."

Vincent pointed at the locator. "Clearly, she went through that portal. Or at least he did."

"Yuffie! Are you hidin' out in here, brat?"

After no reply came, Cissnei said, "We need a real plan. Before we blunder through that portal."

"Ho-ho-hoo!" Bugenhagen said, blundering through the portal.

"Or, we can do that."

When Bugenhagen didn't come rushing back, Vincent stepped through with a nod toward Cissnei. "You do need a bath."

She snorted. "He only speaks to me an average of once per week and that's the best he can do?"

"Hold up. I don't trust this damn portal."

"And the others we could trust?"

"Give me your hand."

She extended it, snatched the towel back, scrubbed until skin became visible, then grabbed Barret's hand. He thumbed through several settings on his gun arm then, barrel leveled, led them through.

And they emerged in a hexagonal room with six portals glowing around them.

"Damn. This is what you get when you feed Yuffie sugar."

They gazed around them, the blue light illuminating everything but Cissnei's layer of soot. For her part, Cissnei took out a grimy gil piece and laid it before the portal they had just used.

"So, wise guy. You figure Bugie went straight ahead, because why not, and Vincent hung a soft right? Or maybe a hard left, just to go clockwise from here?" She squeezed his hand. "Nice of them to wait for us, huh?"

Barret held out the locator crystal. It glowed solid green in front of every portal. Though the color made a pleasing contrast against the blue. Maybe he should settle down and take up painting.

"Let's try ten o'clock," Cissnei said, staring at the hexagonal floor. "That way we can come back and discover someone moved my gil piece."

Barret shrugged and leveled his gun. As one, they stepped through, until Cissnei nearly wrenched his good arm off as she fell screaming from his grasp.

"Let. Me. Go!"

Tifa struggled against the bonds that held her against the puzzlewood bark, the ropes with just enough give to impart false hope but not enough to, like, prevent her from cinching her neck like a worm in a noose. Moans came from all around her, hidden behind the leaves and fog. Among the cries and occasional sharp scream, footsteps plodded toward her, each step deliberate on the squelching ground.

"No, no, please no!" The pleading broke into a grinding scream that seemed to go on for hours. Perhaps it might never stop echoing inside her head. Tifa grunted and strained harder against her bonds. Her wrists, bound above her head and behind the tree, pulled the strap against her neck when she tested the bond too hard. Her legs had a bit more play; she could add to the slack by clenching her thigh muscles and giving her knees a slight bend. Careful, though; even the leg straps pulled that infernal strap around her neck.

"Well now. What do we have here?"

Tifa stopped struggling, but kept her legs tensed. Her body felt oddly unbalanced. She twisted her hands enough to abrade part of the strap against the bark, though puzzlewood bark often proved fragile. A pair of boots appeared beneath a low dripping bough. Branches snapped aside as a familiar figure, if younger, stepped in, wet teeth glinting from the ear to ear grin.

"Carmine. You, you have to stop. Stop this madness."

"Oh dear." Carmine stopped to apply a fresh layer of fire engine red lipstick. Pulling out a dagger, she fondled the handle as she would a baby, passing the blade from hand to hand. "You don't seem to understand, mother dear." Pointing with the blade, she said, "The world has too kinds of people. Predator, and prey. Future, and past."

"No. Don't, do it. That place, that Gold River Academy, may have broken your spirit, but don't let it eat your soul."

"What do you know about the Academy!" Carmine's eyes flashed before taking on a wary look. "Did they send you to spy on me?" She tapped Tifa on the stomach. "My, have we been busy."

Tifa frowned and looked down. And shrieked when she saw her swollen belly. "How did that happen!"

"Oh, I'm sure the usual way. In your case, with a goat."

"I see you still have your legs."

"My legs? Why ever wouldn't I have my legs?"

Tifa cringed as someone pleaded for his life before cutting off in a dying scream.

"Carmine. Listen to me. The only way, you can save yourself. Is, to stop this madness. Take that knife. And kill Gregor Granth."

"What?"

"Otherwise, your soul is lost. He is using you. You won't - "

Carmine began to laugh. "Using me? He got me out of that Gold River hell hole."

"But into what? You want to be an Igor for a monster like him? You could be so much more, having survived so much. Think of all the good you could do." (It sounded lame, even to her.)

"Appealing to my good side? A-haha, as if I have one." Although, Carmine did hesitate. Another scream, this one closer. She glanced in that direction, as if in thought. "Tell you what. I'll do you a solid." She licked the blade of her dagger.

"Let me loose and we can kill him together - " But Carmine's fist crashed into her face, stunning her when her head smacked the tree trunk. She began to scream but white-hot pain across her throat cut it short.

Tifa awoke coughing on the grass, her body wracked with spasms and plants spattered with a spray of crimson. She gasped and scrabbled at her throat but felt no injury. She coughed a couple more times but now only a few flecks of blood flew onto her outstretched arm.

"Tifa!" Cloud lifted her to a seated position. The world swam but she forced her eyes to focus. "Are you okay now, Teef? What happened?"

She leaned against him, relishing the feeling of his arms around her. "I, I feel better now. Did you, get affected this time?"

"Yes, but much less that you. Our favorite nurse released that Healing Wind after she made me beg. Which I did do, with the assistance of my new sword."

"I appreciate your efforts." She scowled when Carmine drifted into view. "Hey! You call slashing my throat doing me a solid?"

"So I killed you again. You should be used to it."

"Right. Your heart wasn't in it. Right?"

"I took your advice. Stuck old Gregor through the heart. You should have seen the look of surprise on his face."

"Wait, what?"

"Then his hired dogs cut me down with machine gun fire. Made me dance with a hundred rounds. So you didn't save your precious village after all."

"I - "

"Except none of that was real. I'm here. And so are you. I'll never get these bloodstains out of my cousin's blouse. I think I'll present it to her as an anniversary gift."

"You both bore your pain well." Jenova Violet strode by like a show-cat minus the ribbon, earning glares from the whole crew. Except Priscilla, of course.

"You'll be bearing more than you can imagine, if this zombie ever lets me crack your skull open," Carmine said.

"That, would be fighting," Priscilla said.

"No. Really?" When no one called her on her sarcasm, she said, "Portal is that way. I suggest we get through before bat-nuts Jack-Jack and his Mother come back."

"What happened to him, anyway?" Tifa asked.

Cloud lifted Tifa and set her on his bike. "Violet froze him. With Lulu's Seal Evil spell."

"Turns out he's evil," Violet said. "Like my patient." She slipped on the bike behind Tifa this time and they both held onto Cloud as he wobbled the bike forward, preparing to start the motor.

Carmine on her disc swished by. "You know, you might try and get Heidegger to reopen his golf resort idea."

"What would that accomplish?" Tifa rubbed her throat.

"Rich people vomiting blood. Don't you want your revenge?"

In response, Cloud gunned the engine. They rode up the decayed stone steps and through the gaping doorway, to . . . a level floor of stone followed by a downward slope overgrown by ornamental shrubbery that slashed at them as they rode past. Tifa kept her arms close in to avoid having her skin shredded like confetti paper.

"Cloud!" she screamed as the bike pitched from side to side but thankfully, he brought it to a sand-spitting halt alongside a river. The water burst over a cluster of moss-draped boulders to their left and split around a crag-shaped island downstream, an island barely large enough to stand on, though someone had managed to craft a stone gazebo on top of it. "Cute. Now what?"

Carmine floated into view. "Quite a show you put on, charging through the bloodsucker ferns. I would have taken the footpath myself."

Cloud glared up at her. Tifa could see it even through his helmet.

"Next you're going to tell me the portal is really on that island gazebo there."

"What if it is?"

"Is it?"

"A portal, yes. But not the portal."

Cloud revved the Hardy but then shut off the engine. "I can't take this anymore. You've been playing us this whole time - "

"Listen."

Cloud refused to take the bait but Tifa cocked an ear. "Sounds like, a scream?"

"Maybe your troublesome little friend got free? Wouldn't that be a hoot."

Cloud fired up the Hardy Daytona and spit sand in Carmine's direction as they lumbered down the beach. The riverside path followed the contours of the water's edge except until the path climbed behind a rock promontory. Cloud slowed to a roll, angling the bike out onto the rock until they could catch a glimpse of the terrain below.

Tifa scanned the riverbanks. She could see the far side more easily; upriver the jungle grew more densely until fog and rain clouds hid the source from view. Downriver, vegetation encroached upon the water like mangrove forests (though in fresh water), but occasional beaches blossomed white against the dark canopies.

"There, Cloud!" She swatted at his arm. He turned off the engine. "Someone lying on that beach!"

"I see now. I was looking at the water. I saw the weirdest motorboat ever. Just a propeller and a wake."

"Where?"

"Gone now. I think I can make a crossing down over there. Ready to hold on?"

"Pardon me," Carmine said from behind them, "But shouldn't you just send someone who can fly?"

"Given how well your portal performed, I don't think I trust you."

"It performed. It's just not one of those blue dimensional types. Unless you remember crossing a river back there?"

"Okay fine. Scout for us, but I'm still going across."

"Suit yourself. I will enjoy watching you take a dump."

Pun intended, I bet. But Carmine took off and Cloud cranked the motor to follow. The path led them down toward another beach and a stretch of jutting sandstone that formed a natural weir, though the majority of the water shot through a pair of notches rather than spilling over the top. Cloud idled the motor but tensed his body like a cat ready to pounce.

"You can't be serious. If you miss, the water down there will push us under, even if we had on bathing suits instead of this heavy gear."

"I have a plan."

Tifa saw him spin his armlet and touch the red materia.

"A Titan summon? Seriously?"

"No. I just keep my Earth materia next to it to keep them straight. Ready?"

Tifa grabbed him with both arms in reply. They bounced across the wet jetty of earth and rock, the raging cuts drawing closer and . . . a span of flat rock appeared amidst a green spray of magic. Cloud popped the bike onto their ersatz bridge and sped across.

"Wow," Violet said when they stopped on the opposite beach. "I'm, actually impressed."

Tifa pointed downriver. "Look! That does look like Yuffie!"

"On it." Cloud revved the bike along the hard-packed sand. Tifa barely grabbed on in time to avoid a tumble onto the rocks.

Cissnei hit the swirling water with a shriek; Barret had to perform an acrobatic twist to keep his hold on her arm and not flop on top of her. He landed with a cannonball crash, jerking them both underwater until he could right himself. Lifting his head above water, he saw Cissnei's head pop up a meter away. He held onto her wrist to keep the current from sweeping her away. She coughed but drew enough angry breaths to assure him of her safety.

"How," cough, "can you," cough, "swim in that getup? That gun arm of yours?"

"I'm not. I'm standing on a goddamn boulder."

"Oh good. Please don't slip off."

"If you'd stop squirmin' maybe I won't."

They both looked up at the stone gazebo perched on the water and moss spattered crag of an island. He could grapple them back up there, assuming he could catch his hook on something. But who knew if it contained a return portal or not? Not all portals worked both ways.

"Someone's idea of a practical joke," Cissnei said. "Probably those Forest Cetra. Always building some kind of trap in their ancestral ruins. With our luck they'll arrrgh!"

"What? Why'd you let go, damn it?" Barret abandoned his grappling hook scheme and drew out a flat propeller blade. While his flying trick did not work when he had tested it (not enough lift, and the propeller had nearly hacked off his other arm), he bet it would work in the water. With a final click the blade slotted into place. He powered it up and, "Whoa! Backwards!" Water sprayed into his face as he stumbled upstream. He flailed, lost his footing, thrashed his propeller sideways (spinning him around), until finally he reversed the blade's rotation.

Aiming it down - whoa! Not too far! - he launched his body forward, feet first, nearly slamming into the gazebo island before angling around it. Then, "Hard a-port!" barely missing a pair of rocks before settling into an even keel. "Incoming!" Hard a-port again, thus avoiding planting a boot square in Cissnei's bobbing face. He switched off the propeller long enough to snag her arm with his good hand, dragging her up over his chest. "Welcome aboard! If only Aeris could see me now."

"You're insane," she said as he fired up the propeller again. "No wonder Yuffie is drawn to you."

Barret snorted and moved them to deeper water. Cissnei struggled to move her body parallel to his.

"Hey. I see someone," she said.

"Huh? In the water?"

"No. Flying."

"Vincent? Bugenhagen?"

"No. A couple of girls on a garbage can lid."

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"I think Vincent went through an entirely different look out!"

Though the river had become calm, the current had channeled them toward a notch on the horizon, and by the time he realized what had happened he could only yell for Cissnei to hold on. Lifting all of their legs in unison, they shot into space. Though only a meter's drop, the hydraulics jammed them below the surface when they hit. He redirected his propeller but could not get them to rise. For an awful moment they barely moved, but finally he inched them along the bottom long enough to gain an upward profile. Seconds later (seeming much longer), they shot above the surface like a cresting whale. They both gulped air as he tried to clear his eyes and guide their -

"Look out!"

Too late; they plowed into a thicket of water reeds like a buffalo bowling for cheerleaders. He switched off his rotor and they sluiced to a halt, half in and half out of the chest-deep water.

"I've had enough of your motorboating hobby," Cissnei grasped onto a pair of reeds while daring to step free.

Barret also found his footing; the water only came to his waist. "Watch out for copper-fang snakes. They love to hide out in thickets like these."

"I'm not afraid of snakes." Cissnei move to stand in front of him. "Unless they bite me. Hey. Look over there. See?"

"I hear a motorcycle." He couldn't see anything but water dripping off Cissnei's hair. "Is that Cloud's new ride? The one Tifa stole from Whippy and Cid fixed up?"

"If so, we're on the wrong side - whoa. Did he just, jump that weir?"

"Cloud always was a showboat. You oughta hear his stories about fighting Sephiroth." Barret poked through his hip pouch. "Phone's dead. Figures. C'mon. Let's get out of these damn reeds."

"Shouldn't we get to land instead?"

"Land is across the river. Climb aboard." They walked forward until the water came up to Cissnei's chin. Grabbing her around the middle, he lay back and activated his propeller. After untangling it from water moss, he forced the two of them above the surface and into the current, aiming upstream of where they found bike stopped near the body lying on the beach.

Tifa sank to her knees in the sand and felt for a pulse. Yuffie sprawled prone on the gravel and sand, one arm stretched above her tilted head as if frozen in the crawl stroke. It took Tifa several tries before she could feel a pulse. She let out a breath when she felt the weak beat.

"What happened to you, kid?"

"Is she alive?" Cloud stood by Tifa's side.

"She's breathing. But, her poor leg. What a wicked gash. And are those acid burns?"

"I can fix that," said Jenova Violet. "If you hand me a bone saw."

"For crying out loud!" Cloud almost went for his sword. "We need to get her real help, not - "

"Die, Yuffie." A faint whisper from behind the dune grass.

"Didn't I kill that thing for real?" Tifa rose and made her way around the rise, materia ready. "Where are you, you nasty piece of dog's vomit?"

"Die Yuffie."

In a hollow between two dunes, Tifa spotted the frog-dog beast. It looked dead, with half of its body burned off. Only a left foreleg and right hind-leg remained of its limbs, and judging from its tracks it had barely managed to slither up from the water line. It couldn't slither any farther, for an iron-wood spear pinned it to the ground like a giant beetle specimen. One of its fangs clawed at the air above its half melted head.

"Carmine must have built you regenerate."

"Die. Yuffie."

"Looks like Yuffie got you and good. Now I'm going to finish the job." Taking shelter behind a blackfir stump, Tifa scorched the beast with a full power Bolt spell. A wave of acetone pierced the air. She followed up with a second blast and, gathering a couple armfuls of dry shrubs from up the bank, she poured on a flask of lamp oil and set the pyre alight with a Fire spell.

"And a warrior's funeral you shall have."

When Tifa returned, she found Cloud cradling Yuffie in his arms, the girl still limp. Carmine hovered nearby with genuine emotion on her sculpted face. "I've cast all the magic I can," Cloud said. "Esuna, Heal, Cure? Maybe Aeris could do something, but we need to get her to a hospital."

"I can't wait to see how you cram her on your bike," Carmine said.

"You could carry her." Cloud rose to his feet. Yuffie's arms drooped.

"She can't fit on here. I don't have a lap and I already have a zombie girl wrapped around me."

"You can hold her in your arms, just like this. I know you're strong. You're mako enhanced, like me."

"What makes you think I won't dump her in the brush once you're out of sight?"

"No fighting," Priscilla said.

"Oh great zombie of peace. What did I do to deserve - don't answer that. Oh hell." She lowered her disc to the level of Cloud's knees. "Give her to me."

She had to lean back into Priscilla to compensate for Yuffie's dead weight. "Hey zombie. Can you reach up here and pull the back lever on the right? Just a tap." Her disc began to ascend. "A bit more - there. Front lever now? Just a tap to the right. Good. Now when I say go, but only then, push the front left lever forward. Whoa. Saved by the Hulk."

"Say what?"

But Tifa fixed her eyes on the incoming water skier, the first she ever saw in the reclining position. Spraying a final sheet of water behind him, Barret shot onto the beach like a water toboggan, dumping a soaked, redheaded woman at their feet, still clad in a clingy Turk uniform.

"Barret. You know how to make an entrance. And who's your new date?"

"Seen Vincent around here? She's his date. He's probably off hiding in a cave again, the introvert. Tifa, meet Cissnei, leader of the, ahem, Hungs. Cissnei, meet Tifa. Another introvert, but with the motto 'speak softly and wear a black belt.'"

Tifa helped the woman to her feet. "Good to meet you, Cissnei. Usually my hair doesn't resemble a nesting ground for geese, but it's been a long day."

"I see you found Yuffie," Cissnei said. "She doesn't look well. But I win my bet with Reno."

"What the hell does Reno got to do with it!" Barret stormed over to Carmine. "And you! How the hell are you still alive!"

"Carmine's a survivor. I'll give her that." Cissnei peered at Yuffie's mauled calf. "Whoa. She needs some major healing."

"Nothing gets past you," Carmine said. "Did you have to rub both brain cells together for that thought to show up?"

"You're still a dick. Even without your legs."

"I'll have you know. When Tifa gives me her legs I will run circles around you."

"Oh look." Tifa pointed. "A flying pig."

"I have actually seen those. Near the Corel desert."

"Look." Barret folded Yuffie's arms across her chest. "We need to get her help now. Carmine. What the hell possessed Cloud and Tifa to pal around with you?"

"I'm helping your gang of, hoodlums, because we share a common goal. Revenge."

Barret started to reply but Cissnei's waist pouch began to ring.

"Now what?"

"Waterproof pouch," she said. Untangling a strand of beach grass. "Maybe not grass-proof. Yes. Vincent! Where did you - oh, sure. Bugenhagen's with you? You could have waited for us, you know. Yea, yea, one would think. But - fine. I can hear your shrug even over the phone. Can you put Cid on? I know Tifa would like to talk to him."

Tifa heard garbled conversations on the other end before Cissnei handed her the device. A bit clunkier than hers, but also not smashed on the mountainside or dissolved in a lake of acid. "Cid?"

"Ho-ho-hoo! What made you think I was Cid? I don't even look like Cid."

"Great. Is Cid available or is he flying sky doughnuts again?"

"A lighter attitude would do, seeing as how you're about to be rescued. We are three minutes away on the Highwind."

"Great. But we need a big favor. We found Yuffie but she almost died. You need to take her to - "

"Did you say Yuffie died?"

"No, but she will without help. Do you have Aeris with you?"

"No. Do you know where she is?"

"I need you to take Yuffie to the mountain village, where the Stone brothers live. You know the place?"

Cid broke in. "You mean Larry, Darryl, and Darryl? Seriously, girl?"

"Make sure you get the three of them together."

"Are you kiddin' me!" Barret made a grab for the phone but Tifa ducked away.

"How soon can you get here?"

"The best damn pilot in the world? Give me ninety seconds. From your signal, look for us on the southwest horizon. Darius? Cyclic forward, full throttle! Wait, watch your altitude, dumbass!"

Tifa shaded her eyes. Above the treeline on the opposite bank a small spot rose and grew.

"You want those three to do to her what they did to you in your bedroom?" Cid said.

Cloud raised an eyebrow. Carmine said, "Why Tifa, if I'd known you had that in you all this time, I'd have loaned you Ham and Stu."

"Guys!"

Yuffie's body twitched. Carmine opened her mouth but Priscilla jabbed her in the ribs.

"Cid. That horrible headache I had is coming back. Thanks to - " She gave Carmine's disc a shove. "But Yuffie may not survive without extreme measures. So keep up with the lame jokes everyone! I'm sure she'd love to hear them at her funeral." She tossed the phone back to Cissnei.

After a pause, Cissnei said, "Cid? And Tifa? I will accompany Miss Yuffie to her hillbilly healers. She is an unofficial Hung, after all."

Yuffie gave a low moan. Barret looked ready to reply when the rotors began to roar overhand as the Highwind powered to a halt.

Cissnei said, "Right, Barret. Take that Whippy bastard down. All of you. For what he has done." She stared at the lowered ladder. "Of course, I need help getting her up that."

"You need me after all." Carmine readjusted Yuffie in order to nudge a lever. Her disc rose straight up to the lower deck, where she swiveled to argue with Nanaki, his tail flipping arcs of fire.

"That works." Cissnei shrugged. "Now, go kick his ass."

Cissnei sprang up the ladder like a spider monkey. A minute later, Carmine backed away and sank to the ground, having exchanged Yuffie for a pink, three-wheeled scooter that she deposited between Tifa and Barret. The Highwind whirled a down-blast of air and sped away.

"Crazy lion thing wanted to take my zombie from me too. I told him I only trade live girls for dune trikes." She lowered the conveyance to the sand. Her diagonal disc readjusted to level. "I'm getting an upper body workout."

Tifa began to reply but Cloud put a hand on Tifa's arm. "Suppose now, you tell us the real location of that portal?"

"Technically, we could have created our own, given that Cissnei had my Torment materia in her possession."

"She has that blasted thing now?"

"I could sense its presence. The delinquent from Wutai went around springing open portals like Jeanie Appleseed, and each such use weakens the materia. So you don't know if the next portal will crack it like a robin's egg."

"Now you tell us?"

"Ease up, limp spike. See that trail over there? Twenty clicks cross country and you'll be at my cousin's estate."

Barret gave the pink dune-scooter a kick of contempt. "You expect me to ride this cheap-ass thing?"

"Much as I would enjoy you doing the clown car thing on the Daytona, I figured you needed more lift. I wasn't about to have you sit on my lack of lap. You can even fit Nurse Pain on your trike."

"Nanaki hinted you were alive, but I didn't wanna believe it. How do we know you aren't plannin' another stunt like that invert mako stuff?"

"That experiment didn't work so well."

"Uh-huh. Tell me the obvious."

"Die . . . Yuffie." Brush crinkled as something scuttled away.

"That experiment didn't work either."

"No way!" Tifa marched back onto the berm. She gaped at the empty scorched spot on the ground.

"I was going to mention." Carmine bobbed up behind her. "That bonfire you set? It burned through the ironwood staff. Mashmouth is close to fireproof. Engineered like no minion in the world. Remember me telling you to use Ice on him? We had best get moving before he sets up an ambush."

"I don't believe this," Cloud said, straddling his bike. "How many times do we have to kill that thing?"

"He won't have much oof left in him now. Follow me." Carmine began to float along the path.

Cloud started his bike, Tifa on behind him. Barret revved his ride, allowing Violet, after a brief "Who the hell are you?" to slide on behind him. They started down the trail, Tifa holding on for dear life, Carmine ducking side to side to avoid swatting branches and dangling snakes. But every blow made Tifa more determined to make Whippy pay when she finally got her hands on him. Again.