Study Your Pain

"Hey," Chris said from behind Lourdes, making her turn around. "You alright?" he then asked hesitantly as he drew level with her, Alicia and Nick bringing up the rear, the former with red eyes made raw from weeping, the latter pale but strangely composed.

"No, I'm not," Lourdes said abruptly, pushing the hair out of her face with both hands, hands that shook despite herself.

"Of course you're not," Alicia said bitterly, "who freaking is?"

"Well, screw you too, Miss. Smartass!" Lourdes flared up, rounding on Alicia.

Alicia just ignored her, barging past instead, sending Lourdes staggering to the side.

"Watch were you're going, will you!?" Lourdes flung at Alicia's retreating back, making to go after her, only for Nick to grab her arm, swinging her round to face him.

"Hey," Nick said abruptly, towering over her, forcing Lourdes to lean back, "she was very close to Susan, you know that, and now she's dead, and Matt too"-

- "We've all been through the mill," Lourdes retorted, "not just Alicia. I saw you kill Cal for Christ's sake!"

"Yeah, because he was going to kill you!" Nick yelled. "What else was I supposed to do, huh? Send him a thank you card!?"

"Whoa, what the hell's this?" Chris said in disbelief, wading inbetween them both. "What the fuck are you talking about!?"

Gritting his teeth, Nick gave Chris an abbreviated rundown of events, not sparing himself from censure. Once he was finished, Chris just stood there, looking shellshocked.

"You - you did the right thing, man," Chris then managed to say, nodding at Nick, before glancing nervously at Lourdes, "you protected my sister."

Nick bowed his head, ramming his hands into the pockets of his slacks, shoulders hunching.

Chris nodded again, not sure what else to say, before heading into the lounge, Nick hesitating before following, leaving Lourdes

Travis paced the floor, trying not to look at the bare patch where Madison's best rug had lain. They had used it to wrap up the corpse of the man Daniel had shot, the body now lying out in the yard where he and Madison had carried it, concealing it out of sight underneath some old tarp. With the Salazar family now installed upstairs in Alicia's bedroom, Daniel having assured Travis his cousin was coming to collect them tomorrow, Travis was now trying to make plans for his own family's safety. But as he looked at their exhausted faces, he felt suddenly helpless to help them, panic threatening to paralyze him.

"We have to go, babe," Madison said firmly, Alicia raising her head from her mother's shoulder, the two of them sitting close together on the sofa.

Travis exhaled sharply, before tilting his head back, half closing his eyes, Lourdes recognizing it as the first sign of her father losing patience, something she had seen too many times when he was teaching class. Without thinking, she glanced out at where Susan Tran still stood, her grasping hands clawing at the air through the gaps of the fence. She had never been on the best of terms with Susan, who had viewed the Manawas' in the light of interlopers, but now such grievances seemed petty.

"Close the goddamn blinds, Lo," Travis snapped, rounding on Lourdes, making her start violently.

"Travis!" Liza hissed, glaring at him, before shooting Lourdes a worried glance.

Travis pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Would you please close the blinds, Lourdes?" he rephrased through gritted teeth.

"What's the point?" Nick said, rolling his eyes. "We all know there are a couple of corpses cluttering up the yard, so closing the blinds isn't going to make much of a difference."

"Nick!" Madison hissed this time as Alicia stiffened, making Nick realise too late what he had said.

Chris closed his eyes, shaking his head at Nick's faux pas, Timmy lying asleep, the dog having taken an unexpected shine to him.

Nick scrunched up his eyes. "Sorry," he apologized to Alicia, wincing as he spoke, "I shouldn't have said that" -

- "Saying sorry isn't going to bring Su-Su back," Alicia said with great difficulty, "or - or" -

- "Don't, Lish," Madison said, putting her arm around her daughter, "don't... just don't."

"To get back to the matter at hand," Liza said pointedly, giving Nick a dirty look, something she was starting to make a habit of.

"Yeah," Travis agreed, exhaling sharply again. "To get back to the matter at hand… we need to get out of town and fast."

"What, we're going to flee into the desert, go all Lawrence of Arabia?" Nick scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Well, you can count me out."

"That was the plan," Travis said impatiently, only to realise how that sounded. "I mean, that was the plan, to stock up on supplies and head out to the desert," he said hurriedly, making Nick scoff again, "and you're not counting yourself out, Nick, not this time."

"You can't stop me."

"Nick," Madison spoke up, her voice cracking, "please… please don't do this."

Nick's jaw tightened as his gaze travelled from Travis to his mother, then Alicia, his sister raising her head from Madison's shoulder. This was the part where he cut and run, everyone's expectations threatening to overwhelm him, but the sight of Lourdes's pale face made him hesitate, holding him fast, strangely steadying him.

Lourdes sat at the kitchen table, idly picking at the white paint flaking off its uneven surface, the table having suffered a makeover at the hands of Travis, another disastrous DIY project gone wrong. She was unable to sleep, being too keyed up to even contemplate it, her mind replaying the nightmarish memories over and over again as soon as she closed her eyes, a world painted black.

Everyone else had gone to bed, determined to catch some sleep despite the approaching dawn, Madison providing Liza with a futon and Chris with a sleeping bag; Liza proceeding to set up camp in Alicia's room to be near Griselda, whilst Chris slept on Nick's bedroom floor, Nick muttering under his breath about lack of privacy.

Meanwhile, Travis was kipping on the couch, Madison and Alicia sharing the double bed, Madison not wanting Alicia to be alone, Lourdes knowing better, that Alicia would end up otherwise having to bunk up with her, Madison diplomatically deciding to steer clear of that particular shit-storm

"Can't sleep?"

Lourdes glanced up, surprised, only to see Madison leaning against the doorway. "Speak of the devil," she muttered, straightening up as Madison then came into the kitchen, eyebrows raised.

"And she shall appear?" Madison said, walking over to the sink. "Nice to know you think so flatteringly of me."

Lourdes didn't say anything, choosing instead to resume scraping the paint off with her nail.

"Would you please stop desecrating my kitchen table?" Madison said, folding her arms across her chest. "It looks bad enough as it is without your input."

"I thought you told Dad you loved its rustic air."

"You should get some sleep."

Lourdes flicked the flecks of paint onto the floor.

"It's been a long day, Lo."

"That's a vast understatement."

"Were you raped?"

Lourdes's head snapped up in shock. "No," she then spat, staggering to her feet, realising her father must have finally told Madison what had happened. "I wasn't."

Madison appraised her. "Then stop the tragedy queen airs," she said, advancing on Lourdes, "and get over yourself."

Lourdes stared at her, Madison merely raising her eyebrows again, almost daring her to do something. Rolling her eyes, Lourdes made to leave, only for Madison to block her. "What the hell!?" she said in disbelief, pushing the hair out of her eyes as she spoke.

"Did I give you permission to leave?" Madison said sarcastically, leaning her head to the side. "Because I don't think I did."

"I don't need your goddamn permission," Lourdes said, trying to barge past Madison, only for Madison to grab her wrist, stalling her. "Get off me!" she hissed, trying and failing to pry Madison's fingers off her.

"Make me, Cinderella."

At this, Lourdes suddenly snapped, striking her stepmother across the face with her free hand. Before she could react, Madison belted her across the head, sending her staggering back, and then Lourdes was hitting every part of Madison she could reach, her hysteria making every punch little better than a glancing blow, tears now falling down her face, blinding her as she wildly lashed out.

"That's it, kid," Madison said, wincing, "just let it out."

Lourdes reeled back, stunned. "What, you did all that on purpose?" she then said stupidly as she wiped her streaming nose with the back of her hand, shocked out of her insanity.

Madison went over to the draining board, reaching for the kitchen roll as she did. "Yup," she said smartly as she tore off a piece of kitchen roll and handed it to Lourdes, "you seriously don't have me down as the evil stepmother, do you? And sorry for smacking you one, but I was just trying to get you in the zone since you weren't quite there yet."

Lourdes just stared at her again. "Don't put your mind over matter mumbo jumbo on me," she then said with great difficulty, "we're not in the guidance counsellor office now."

"Never could leave my work at the door," Madison said lightly. "Plus, I'd rather you didn't do a number on Nick's nose. There's not much left of it as it is, not with the cocaine snorting and whatnot."

Despite everything, Lourdes laughed, the sound almost sacrilegious in the still kitchen.

Madison smiled, before reaching out and cupping Lourdes's reddened cheek. "I care about you, Lo," she said simply, "just as much as I do for Lish and Nick."

At this, Lourdes just nodded, before suddenly crumbling into Madison's arms, her heart no longer a hollow shell.

Don't turn me home again

I just can't face myself alone again…