Here is chapter 21. Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
"Bella," Edward says, coming into the room with an intense look of concentration on his face.
I have been spending most of my days at the Cullen residence, and at times I worry that my presence is an imposition, but from how much Renesmee gets passed around, I can tell they are glad I am here to share the baby. Renesmee turned one week old yesterday, and Alice had a birthday party planned for the family. When I told her that there is no such thing as one week birthdays, she brushed me off and went to get wrapped gifts out of the closet. More toys and clothes, and I have no idea where she plans to store all of this, because my house is out of the question.
Renee went home two days ago, Charlie, Renesmee and I dropped her off at the small airport in Port Angeles. She was teary-eyed, and made me promise to bring her granddaughter down to Florida for a visit. She said she was sure Renesmee would love the warm water of the ocean there once she got a little older. I promised to email her photos, and to call her weekly. I was actually sad to see her go. It was nice having both my parents in the same town for a while.
Edward and I haven't talked about what happened in my room the previous week, but I can tell the conversation is going to happen soon. He has thrown himself in the joys of fatherhood, adoring his daughter more than any man than I have ever seen. Angela, Ben and Mike had come over a couple days ago to meet Renesmee, and took their turns holding her. Angela would have never forced me to tell her about the return of the Cullen family, but I did volunteer the information, knowing that it had to be on her mind. I couldn't tell her everything obviously, but I did explain how things were between Edward and I. She told me that she was sure I would make the right decision, and left it at that. Mike spared no details when describing everyone's reactions to my quick escape from the ceremony after my water broke. After seeing my blush Angela attempted to downplay everything, promising that everyone was just happy that both me and the baby were healthy.
I haven't heard from Jacob since he left that day he came to visit, and I have wondered if something is wrong. He had acted so strangely when he saw Renesmee for the first time, and I wonder if it bothers him how much she takes after Edward. I know something is wrong, I just can't put together what it could possibly be.
"Yes?" I answer between planting kisses on all available surfaces of Renesmee's skin.
He sits down on the floor next to us, and looks at Renesmee lying between my legs on a blanket. "I think we should go on a date."
I freeze momentarily, and then look over at him questioningly. "What?"
"I think we should leave Renesmee with my family this evening and I can take you to dinner," he explains. "We have some things we should talk about, and I think you could use a night away from your motherly duties."
"A mother is never off duty," I say, and he smiles.
"I know that, but I would really like to have some time to talk with you," he pleads, his liquid gold eyes capturing my attention. "Just me and you."
"I don't know…" I say slowly, and tear my eyes away from his gaze before I do something stupid. I look down at Renesmee, and wonder if I can be away from her for several hours.
"Bella, she will be perfectly safe, and if anything happens, which it won't, Esme will call us immediately," he says. "Please?"
We do need to talk, and I guess we should be alone when we have the conversation that we have been putting off. I wouldn't want to break down in front of the baby, she doesn't need to experience that. And I do trust the Cullen's with her, they seem to worry over her more than I do.
"Fine," I concede. "But nothing fancy, okay?"
He smiles triumphantly at me, and nods. "Okay, nothing fancy. I promise."
"Alice, no! I don't want lipstick!" I demand, shoving her hand out of my face. "The eyeliner, mascara and blush are enough. I didn't even want those."
"Oh, come on, Bella! It's a date, you are supposed to dress up," she says impatiently.
"Not really, we are going out so we can talk. Any event where tears are going to be shed should not be called a date," I say.
"That's why I used waterproof mascara, silly," she says. "Just a little… Please?"
I shake my head stubbornly. "Nope. You can have chapstick."
She narrows her eyes at me, but then lets out an exasperated sigh, before putting the cap back on the lipstick and reaching for the chapstick. Alice insisted that she help me get ready for my night with Edward, despite my protests, but she informed me that she was going to win the argument anyways, so there was no point in continuing to protest. Over the last week Alice has realized that she can see my future again when Renesmee isn't with me, but we aren't certain as to why. Carlisle has hypothesized that it is because she is unlike anything Alice has dealt with before, therefore she can't see her. Though that is still just a hypothesis.
Alice put me in a pair of form-fitting houndstooth print pants, a loose-fitting, off-the-shoulder white blouse, and a pair of black sandals. She had wanted me to wear heels, but after one look at me she let that idea drop. She wrapped my hair up into an elegant bun on my head, with several pieces of my hair pulled loose to frame my face. It was a semi-casual look, and I think it looks nice. I am glad she went with a looser blouse, because my body hasn't completely rebounded from being pregnant. And even though Edward sees me daily with my baby pooch, there is something special about dressing nice and going to dinner.
Someone knocks on Alice's bedroom door lightly before Rosalie pokes her head in.
"I thought you might want to feed her one more time before you left," Rosalie says, coming in holding Renesmee.
"Good idea," I say and reach out for my baby. I pumped my breast milk for the first time so that they could bottle feed her while I was gone tonight. It was a tedious activity, but I think that I got enough for tonight. Emmett had seen the pump and asked if it was some kind of beer bong for the baby. It made me laugh, thinking he was joking. Turns out he really didn't know what it was.
I sit on the chair in front of Alice's large vanity, and when I look up in the mirror I can't help but smile. My hair and makeup all done, my blouse pulled up and my daughter nursing excitedly. It's a very maternal look. More adult than I would have ever imagined to look at eighteen.
"Come in, Edward," Alice calls across the room before he has the chance to knock.
The door swings open, and Edward steps in looking dashing as ever. He's wearing a navy blue button up shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and a pair of black slacks. His bronze hair in disarray, and his butterscotch eyes shining bright. His entire ensemble leaving me slightly breathless. When he looks at me I can't quite make out the expression on his face… Eyes wide, a small smile on his lips, almost wondrous? He walks over to where I sit, but stops about a foot away, and I want to kick myself for wanting him to be closer.
"You look spectacular, Bella," he says, smiling bigger.
I laugh, and my dozing, nursing baby jumps a little at the sound. "It's Alice's work."
"No, I think it's just you," Edward says shaking his head.
Butterflies take off in my stomach, and I tell myself that it is just nerves about the impending conversation with Edward. I turn my gaze to my baby, using her as my focal point to center myself. How am I going to make it through this evening without the distraction of my daughter?
"Are you ready to go?" Edward asks, but wisely looks to Alice for permission, knowing that she really has the say whether I am ready or not.
"She's ready," Alice chirps, and reaches out to take Renesmee from my arms. As soon as she has her, it's like I already miss her. My arms feel too light now that I am not holding her.
Edward helps me to my feet and then turns to give Renesmee a kiss before grabbing my hand to lead me out of the room.
Edward pulls into a parking space in front of Bella Italia, and I let out a little laugh at his choice of restaurant. He glances over at me, an amused look on his face.
"Fitting," I snicker.
"I thought so," he agrees, and chuckles quietly before jumping out of the car to walk around and open my door for me. When we step towards the building, I get a stifling sense of deja vu, and I shake my head to dispel the feeling. It was only over a year ago when we had our first date here, yet it feels like much more than that. So much has changed, we have been through so much in just a year. I found out he was a vampire, we started dating, the hunt with James, breaking up and becoming parents… Yet, as we step through the door of the restaurant I am transported back to that first date. I remember wanting to reach my fingers out and touch him, and now, I don't think he would stop me.
"Welcome to Bella Italia," the attractive red-headed hostess greets us, batting her fake eyelashes at Edward. "Table for two?"
"Yes, somewhere private if possible," Edward requests with his gleaming smile. Poor girl almost chokes on her tongue as she takes in his beauty, but just nods and grabs two menus. I don't even attempt to hide rolling my eyes, and Edward shoots me a side glance and his lips press together trying to hold back laughter.
After the lusty ginger seats us, she finally glances at me, sizing up the competition. Yeah, just like last time. After deciding I was no competition, she tells us our waiter will be right with us, winks at Edward, and then departs.
"Subtle," I mutter, and Edward chuckles.
"Just be glad you don't have to hear her thoughts," he says, leaning back in his chair. "She is going for a record for dirtiest thoughts. It's quite disturbing."
"Oh, poor you, having every female in a hundred mile radius vying for your attention," I sarcastically tease. "How it sucks to be Edward Cullen."
He flashes that crooked grin that has always reduced me to a puddle on the ground. "Yeah, well, it doesn't mean much when the one you want keeps you at an arm's length."
I narrow my eyes at him as I feel the familiar blush seep into my cheeks. Fortunately the waiter pops around the corner just in time to break up any awkward silence, and I am somewhat relieved that he is male. As much as I enjoy watching women drool over Edward, this should be a welcome change. He takes our drink order, and I catch him attempting to peek down my blouse as he reaches over the table to light the candle. Okay, so maybe not a welcome change. Edward glares at him, and the waiter clears his throat and mumbles something about being back with our drinks before stumbling away.
"He didn't even attempt to hide ogling you," Edward groans, his irritated face making me laugh.
"Well, they are noticeably larger," I joke, gesturing to my chest.
"Believe me, I know-" Edward says, and then stops when I raise one eyebrow at him, an amused smile on my face. "I mean, obviously you are breastfeeding, and I have seen you-" He stops again, and I laugh. "You know what, I am going to stop talking now."
"No, go ahead, you were on a roll," I laugh. He shakes his head, and I can tell he is trying to get his mind out of the gutter.
It's not often Edward is a loss for words, but in this one way, he isn't unlike every other man. Obviously he has noticed my larger bra size since he got back, and apparently it is enough to impair his usually impeccable speech pattern. It's actually quite enjoyable.
The waiter drops off our drinks, but doesn't look at me this time after the look Edward gave him after trying to look down my shirt. I grab my soda and take a large gulp, and Edward smiles ruefully.
"What?" I ask.
"Just brings back memories," he says while grinning. "I remember waiting for the shock for what almost happened to set in, and you just sat there drinking your Coke, as if nothing happened. It was quite frustrating."
"Frustrating?" I ask.
"Yes, very much so," he says. "I kept trying to figure out why you were acting so calm. It didn't make sense to me. And I didn't have the hope of reading your mind."
"That was an interesting evening," I muse, picking up my menu to choose what to eat. "Who knew then that this is where we would be now?"
He shakes his head disbelievingly. "I certainly didn't. It's quite extraordinary. I was so worried about keeping you alive then. I would have never thought about worrying about birth control."
We both laugh. Yeah, birth control was the last thing on my mind that evening as well.
"As foolish as it seems, being a teenage mother, I can't say I regret it. After holding Renesmee for the first time…" I say. "Well, I wouldn't change that little girl for the world."
"Neither would I," he says. "Though, I would change my actions for the last ten months."
I put down the menu and look him in the eyes. There are a thousand apologies on his lips, and I can feel my lower lip trembling. I take a deep, shaky breath and look away. "Edward, we will talk about that, but can we please eat first? I really am hungry, and I don't want to lose my appetite."
He nods solemnly, but then his lips twitch up in a smile. "Though, if it is okay with you, I will probably refrain from eating myself."
"Fine, be difficult," I say, and then smirk at him, grateful for the release of tension. I order my food, saffron risotto, and we spend the time chatting about Renesmee. I tell him of my plans to take her down to Florida to see Renee in a couple months, and he tells me it's a good idea, though I can see a hint of worry in his expression. As the evening progresses we slowly shift closer and closer together until we are sitting right next to each other in the booth, our legs touching. We decide to take the inevitable conversation to an even more private venue, so Edward pays, not giving the hostess the attention she was hoping to get. I am pretty sure she even popped open a few more buttons on her shirt in hopes that Edward would notice. Much to her disappointment, he didn't.
He drives us to the pier, parks, and we get out of the car. I put on the jacket Alice insisted I bring. Even if the days are relatively warm, nighttime is still chilly. We walk down the pier, walking close, but not holding hands like we would have at one point. He directs us to a bench near the end of the pier and we sit down and gaze out at the dark waters for a long moment.
"You're not too cold, are you?" Edward asks, eyeing my jacket.
"No, I'll tell you if that changes," I say, humoring him.
"I suppose we shouldn't avoid this conversation anymore," he says, looking down at his feet. "There is so much to say, but I have no idea where to begin."
"Tell me what you were thinking after my disastrous birthday party… Why did you feel like you had to leave?"
He takes a deep breath, but begins. "After what happened with Jasper, I couldn't pretend that we weren't monsters anymore. I was so blinded by the fact that eventually I would have to see you die, and I had a crushing feeling it would be my fault. In my head, the worst happened. Jasper could have so easily killed you if we hadn't been able to stop him… I couldn't bear it."
"And you didn't think you could talk to me about all this?" I ask.
"I should have, but I knew you would blow it off as some inconsequential accident, and I couldn't let you convince me to stay," he says, his voice ashamed. "You have always been so loving, so accepting. If I had told you what I was thinking you would have tried to brush it off, and I felt like I couldn't handle that."
"You should have trusted me," I say bitterly.
"Yes," he agrees.
"You came back," I say, more as a statement than a question.
He looks over at me, his pale face shining in the moonlight. Lovely as ever. "Yes, I did."
"Why?" I ask.
"I don't know if I really ever had a choice. I started drifting back this way, just following my heart where it led me," he says, then pauses. "I shouldn't be surprised that it was leading me back to you. It wasn't until I was just south of here that I got a text from Alice that you were graduating high school, then I really started running to you."
"So your family didn't call to tell you to come back?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "They knew I had to come back on my own volition. Though I wish they would have. I was so close to missing the birth of my child."
"I didn't want them to," I say, looking down at my hands, locking and unlocking my fingers nervously.
"Why didn't you?" He asks.
"I'm not quite sure…" I say. "I was pretty angry at you, so that was part of it. But I also didn't want you coming back out of obligation. I know you, you would have done the right thing, and I would have never known if you were there for me or for only our daughter."
He nods in understanding. "You really believed I didn't love you anymore?"
"Yes," I sigh.
"How could you believe that?" He asks, sounding bewildered.
"Because you told me so," I say simply, and let out a cynical laugh. "I was just a plain human girl… How could I hold your attention for long? It made sense."
He turns to me, and grabs my hands. Electricity pulses between us where he touches me, and I gasp for air. "Bella, you know that to be a horrific lie now, don't you?"
I hesitate before answering, and he blanches. How can I trust that he loves me?
"Isabella Marie Swan, I will burn in hell for what I said to you, for how I made you feel. You are everything to me. I am desperately in love with you," he says with conviction, and I want to believe him.
"How can I trust you?" I ask quietly, a single tear dripping down my face. I had asked him this when the topic first came up right after Renesmee was born, but I still don't know how to trust him.
"All I can do is try to prove it to you. It is going to take time, but I promise to earn your trust again," he vows. "Until you send me away, I will be here."
"Edward, you understand what that means, don't you? You can't treat me like you did before, things have to change. You were selfish, conceited and couldn't see past your own nose," I fume. "If I am going to trust you, this has to be a partnership. You can't make decisions for me. We make decisions together."
"That's all I want," he pleads.
"Is it?" I rage, yanking my hands out of his and getting to my feet. "What if Jasper decides to take another snap at me?" Edward flinches, but remains sitting. "Are you going to convince yourself that you know what is best again? I haven't been alive for long, but I have noticed people don't change very much. You are telling me that you, Edward Cullen, are going to change? How is that possible for someone who is stuck at seventeen?"
"It's not going to be easy," he accepts. "But I am going to try with every fiber of my being to be the man you deserve. I know trust won't come easily, but I want to try. Please, Bella, just let me try."
He stands and comes to stand in front of me, his eyes shining even in the darkness. He takes my hands again, and pleads with his eyes. "I love you," he whispers.
More tears fall down my face as I battle with my inner demons. I am in love with him too, but is that enough? I have a child to think about now. I can't just jump in head-first, I have to be careful for my daughter. But the more irrational part of me wants to believe him, wants to fall into his arms and never leave again. Ever since that first day of school in Forks, where I looked in his dark brooding eyes, he has had a hold on me. A hold so lasting that it nearly destroyed me when he left. But can I move on from him? I can't imagine a world where I am with someone else. He was always the one for me.
"I love you too," I whisper against my better judgement.
Slowly he leans down, and I know I should push him away, but his sweet breath washes over me, and when his lips press to mine gently, the world falls away. My hands reach up and tangle in his unruly hair, and his hands drop to my waist pulling me closer, so every inch of our bodies are connected. And for this moment I am lost in the flames, the raging fire that causes all my inhibitions to evaporate. I don't want to fight this. I want to stay suspended in the moment for the rest of eternity, and I can't imagine a world where our worlds aren't colliding. All my worries are eclipsed by this flame that is burning me alive. This beautiful, terrifying, excruciatingly exhilarating fire.
We kiss until I am gasping for air, and Edward moves his lips to kiss a trail down where my tears have fallen. With his lips no longer pressed to mine I grasp for a shred of reasonability, though as his lips graze lower it becomes increasingly difficult.
"Edward," I breathe. "Edward, stop-"
His lips lift from the skin of my throat, it takes all of my will power to pull my hands out of his hair, and to take a step back. Though, he leaves one of his hands on the small of my back, not allowing me too much space.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes. "I got carried away."
"We both did," I laugh breathlessly. "But we still have one more thing to talk about, which involves the topic of passionate kissing…"
He smiles, removes his hand from my back, but grasps my hand to pull me back to the bench. We sit down, even closer than how we were sitting before. The electricity is distracting.
"So, as amazing as that kiss was…" I trail off thinking of the kiss and momentarily forgetting why I stopped the kisses. "Well, before you left, we were not holding back sexually, but I don't think that picking up where we left off is such a good idea."
"Felt like a good idea…" Edward mutters, and I have to smile at how much he sounded like a horny teenager just then.
"Okay, well, nevertheless we have a lot of things to work on as a couple before we even bring sex into the equation," I say. "Not to mention, the issue of birth control has to be rectified, because as much as I love our daughter, I don't need to be getting pregnant again anytime soon."
He nods, "Yes, probably a good idea."
"But, seriously, Edward. I really do want to take things slow. Are you okay with that?"
He narrows his eyes, but then smiles deviously. "How slow are we talking?"
I reach out and grab his hand. "Well, I think holding hands is okay."
He smiles at me and squeezes my hand. "We can go as slow as you need to." He then looks at me mischievously. "I still would love to get a ring on your finger anyways."
"Ugh!" I exclaim and pull my hand out of his. "Marriage!"
"Why are you so opposed to the idea?" He asks, genuinely curious.
"I don't need a legal document to tell me I am in love with someone, and in most of the cases I have seen, marriage was the recipe for disaster." I say, thinking of Charlie and Renee. "Not to mention that I am only eighteen. That's a bit too small town for me."
"You're worried what people would think?" He asks, barking an incredulous laugh.
"No!" I yelp defensively.
"Your water broke at your high school graduation, and you are worried about what people would think if we got married?" He asks.
I blush furiously at the memory. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that my water broke on stage in front of the entire town of Forks. "I guess." I say unconvincingly, shrugging.
"You're just opposed to marrying me," he says dejectedly.
I shake my head, and I try to think of the best way to put what I am thinking. "No… Edward, you know I love you, I always have and probably always will, but the truth is that you haven't been here for ten months. The whole town has seen what I have been through, and are convinced you left me because you knocked me up." Edward growls when I say this, but I continue. "Not to mention Charlie, who I am pretty sure would have a coronary if I told him I was getting married to you. He isn't exactly your biggest fan, and I can't say I blame him."
He nods, and says quietly, "Yeah, I haven't exactly been the kind of man Charlie would want to see marrying his only daughter."
I can't disagree so I say nothing. The silence spans for several minutes, my hand still wrapped carefully in his. I listen to the gentle waves crashing against the pier, the seagulls crying somewhere in the distance… It is just Edward and I out here tonight, and it is easy to pretend for the time that we are the only ones in the world.
Edward turns to me, and reaches a hand up to pull my face around to look him in the eyes. "You're right-"
"I usually am," I tease, cutting him off. He rolls his eyes and smiles before continuing.
"As I was saying, you were right, I need to prove trustworthy. Not only to you, but to your family. I will work to be the man your father will be proud to have as a son-in-law," he says. "As for the people who think that I left because I got you pregnant, well, they're obviously wrong, and I will try to convince them of my intentions, even though their opinions don't really matter much."
"You got a lot to work on," I tease, winking at him.
"What's new?" He says sarcastically.
"Well, I think our top priority should be taking care of our daughter. Everything else can wait a little longer," I say.
"I agree," he answers.
We stare at each other for a minute, and I realize I was holding my breath when I start to feel slightly lightheaded. I take a deep breath, and look away, knowing that if I continue looking into his perfect eyes, I will lean in for a kiss. Instead I lean against him and lay my head on his shoulder. His arm snakes around me and pulls me closer against him, and leans his head on mine. We stay like that for a long time, losing track of time, not needing conversation to keep us happy. The silence is perfect.
After an immeasurable amount of time my cell phone chimes, alerting me of a text message. My heart sinks for a moment, worried something bad happened with Renesmee, but when I whip my phone out of my jacket pocket and see that it is from Jacob, my worry dissipates.
I need to talk to you. Can we meet tomorrow to chat? His text reads.
I respond quickly. Sure.
"Who is it?" Edward asks, making a show of trying not to look over my shoulder at my messages.
"Jacob Black," I answer. "He wants to talk."
He stiffens slightly, but doesn't say anything. A little bit of anxiety courses through me at the message from Jacob. I was right, something is wrong. He never texts to ask if we can talk, he just always just shows up. I have a feeling it is something that I am not going to be happy about. Why else would he be avoiding me? This can't be good.
Kind of a fluffy chapter, but I love me some romantic fluff. In all honesty, I am team Edward at heart, and am a sucker for a BxE love story. I have two more chapters and a Epilogue planned, so the story is wrapping up.
So, for those of you who are anti-Jacob, if you don't like him, maybe skip the next chapter, because it will be Jacob heavy. I am not anti-Jacob, or anti-anyone from the saga, so I have fun with all the characters. Sorry if you don't like it *shrugs*
Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please review (imagine heart emoji here)
xoxo