Chapter 28: Here I have a Note
I felt the waking world pull me into existence and with it my remembrance of my quarrel with Erik rushed to the foremost of my thoughts. I had wounded him deeply by misjudging him. I pushed the covers off and gathered my toiletries making my way to the community bathroom. I washed my face, trying to ease my puffy eyes with cold water. Looking in the mirror I knew I couldn't deny my feelings any longer. I still loved him and I needed him in my life.
Once I had agreed to see him and take lessons again, I felt the certainty and clarity that I had been seeking. He became the Erik I had fallen in love with. The first time he had asked to correct my posture and touch me I had just nodded, so enthralled by the music. His touch had reawakened my senses to the familiarity and desire for him and I unknowingly found myself leaning into his touch wanting more. He had ceased his instruction to look into my eyes. I had flushed and looked away, picking up a piece of music to break the moment. He began to ask permission to correct my position with his touch and I always gave consent, relishing his touch. I began to look for ways to receive his instruction through tactile contact. He was slowly removing the barriers I had constructed to guard against him. It was as if he could read my mind for he never asked for more than I was willing to give.
I began to realize he was putting my needs before his own, respecting my wishes. I knew my heart had forgiven him when I began to look for ways to extend our time together. I had asked him to come earlier so we might have breakfast which then extended into time to chat or read before our lesson as before. He had complied and our friendship and witty banter was renewed. Then I asked if he would join me for afternoon tea after rehearsal and he once again capitulated. Unspoken between us was the thought, why did I not come home. He never asked, willing to shape his day about mine. Why was I holding back? What more did I want? I wasn't sure. I preferred his companionship to Meg, the other girls, and Raoul. Raoul was ever so persistent but I continued to evade him as best I could without offending him. I wasn't Raoul's Lotte. Erik was my equal and I his. We were better off together than alone. Being with him brought me so much happiness. Maybe my fears of being lost in a relationship held me back? I had always shied away when I felt I was losing myself in a relationship. Yet he spoke the truth about my lack of trust in him. I may have forgiven him but I hadn't realized that I did not trust him until Carlotta had skipped the dress rehearsal. I needed to be able to trust him again. I had hurt him terribly out of fear for the previous hurt he had caused me. I wasn't sure how he could regain my trust but I knew without a doubt I wanted to try. I would apologize for yesterday and make a peace offering by asking to come home.
I dressed with care choosing a dress he had gifted me early on in our lessons. Once again I was drawn to the past and the memory of his gifting me the dress came back at me.
May I give you something?" he had asked.
My heart had continued to melt and my resolve continued weakening. I hesitated, not wanting to lead him on, but then I nodded and he turned entering the passageway to retrieve a box. "Please don't be alarmed. I wasn't spying on you on purpose. I was passing by the corridor when I heard you and Meg mention dress shopping. I did not think you would have enough money saved at this point." he trailed off.
I had approached him now. I opened the large box to find four dresses, a blue shawl, and a heavier cloak inside of it. I smiled up at him, set the box aside and I had impulsively hugged him. He had been stiff, then his form had softened and then he came to life. His arms returned my embrace. Somehow our lips had found each other and our kiss deepened until I had forgotten all the reasons why I had kept my distance. I was loathed to stop our kiss, I had missed him so. I settled into my heels and looked up at his towering form. It was moments like this, when he was kind that continued to chip away at my decision to break up with him. I wasn't sure we were broken up anymore after that kiss. Words had tumbled out of my mouth thanking him for being attentive to my needs. He had replied, "As long as I am able I will take care of you if you will allow me to." And then he had pulled me into his embrace, my head beneath his chin, and I had relaxed as I had not in a long time, savoring our contact."
Returning to the present I pinned my hair, my face crimson in the mirror from the memory. The clock struck the hour and Erik did not appear. Maybe he was a little late? A little by little my expectancy of him diminished as time passed. I opened the score to Il Muto, rereading my notes from Monsieur Reyer. They were painful stirring up the fears I had felt and the pain I had caused Erik. Suddenly I wanted nothing more to do with that show. Someone else could play the part of the page boy, the silent role Carlotta had thought perfect for me since I hadn't' been sure my voice would return. He did not appear and my heart sank. Maybe he was still too upset?
I needed to keep my voice, my bread and butter so to speak strong so I decided to sing for myself. I did the warm-up exercises and sang trying to hear my voice as he would and work to refine it. I joined the girls at breakfast and gave Giselle the box with a blue dress and Sorelli her shawl that I had meant to, weeks ago. "It is as you said, the ghost likes to play tricks and moves things. I found these in my room." Not quite the truth but close enough. I hoped the dress I was wearing wasn't one of the girls either. I would just claim I found it and give it back.
My eyes strained, seeking his form in the catwalk, wings, or box five during rehearsal but I could not find him if he was there. The rest of the day was uneventful and predictable. I entered my room to find a note with flowers. I rushed to open the missive, eager for his words. Alas it was from Raoul, asking if I would join him for a late breakfast or lunch this week provided Madame Giry was available to chaperone us. I wrote Erik a note, clearing my vanity so he could clearly see the note was for him, my Angel of Music.
Dear Erik,
I want to apologize for yesterday. I was wrong to judge you so. You have been a perfect gentleman and friend. I still want you in my life. Please do not shut me out. There is hope for us. I missed you at our lesson this morning. I tried my best to train my voice with you but it is not the same without you. Please come to me, my Angel of Music.
Your Friend and Angel
In the morning I dressed, anticipating Erik, surely he would not let our music die. He had promised that he would always come if I asked, that he would be a reliable presence in my life. He did not appear and I had breakfast in my room by myself. I gave myself a voice lesson, facing the mirror, hoping to call him to me with my voice, but it was to no avail. Throughout the day I was alert to his presence, but I did not sense or see him. Opening night was uneventful, though Raoul did come and seek me out. I thanked him for the flowers and declined a meal with him. I wrote Erik another note.
Dear Erik,
My darling, I miss you. Please, I beg of you to come back to me. I feel lost without your guidance for my voice. I still want you in my life. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? I still care for you. I understand if seeing me is too painful but don't isolate yourself so Erik. You need a friend.
Your Friend and Angel
I knew Erik communicated with the managers with box five serving as a sort of postal box. I made a second copy of the note, one for my dressing room and one for box five. Days turned to weeks as I continued to write to Erik daily and received no response, though my notes did disappear. I was worried about him, never imagining that he would be the one to withdraw in the relationship. I felt the loss of him so keenly and I felt so alone though I was surrounded by so many cast members. I wrote to him constantly, trying to craft the words that would bring him back to me. A few more weeks past and still there was no word from Erik. What was Erik up to? Why was he ignoring me when I so clearly wanted him? He said he would always come. I know I am a selfish indecisive creature not wanting him, adhering to my principles, and then wanting him the next. Meanwhile, Raoul was persistent catching me day after day after show to chat, inquiring about an outing.
I awoke, clearing my head of cobwebs as I stretched. I lit a candle not wanting to face the day without a word from Erik. Wait was that a note? I threw the covers aside and made haste to my vanity. After weeks without any word, there was a note in his scrawl and a fresh rose in my vase. My fingers reached out to feel his script and my heart clenched.
Dear Angel,
You have such a great capacity for forgiveness, my dearest. However, I am not sure I can forgive myself. I can never apologize enough, nor make amends for the way I have treated you. I realize now what you meant when you said when you needed a break to think about us. When I am near you, my rational thoughts are gone and I am consumed with a need to be with you and thoughts of you. You have given me much to consider in regards to the dark soul I have. Does humanity possess enough charity in its heart for me? Can compassion be found beyond my dear sweet Angel? Am I capable of the charity I demand of others? I honestly do not know. I am reinstating the break you so desired so I may try and mend this soul of mine. It is my belief that you are better off without this dark angel in your life. You are no longer bound to me. I will not hinder you should you choose to move on. Perhaps the boy that favors you. He can take care of you and he is kind. Do not write to me anymore because you need to forget your poor Erik.
With Regards,
Erik
Oh Erik, don't shut me out. We need each other. We can support each other and be stronger together. Within his lifetime would he find the answers to his questions? I reread the note many times, feeling his anguish. Yet I was also upset with him for choosing for me, pushing me to Raoul, when I wanted him. I pitied and loved the man, yearning to be by his side while he sorted his life. I didn't want him to be alone any longer in this the world that could hate those that were different. He has harmed others, I reminded myself, but he has been abused. As much as my brain could rationalize the break up my heart and soul felt cast adrift. I had come to depend on the fact that he would always be there. I loved the man.
I wrote him another note placing a copy in my dressing room and box five. No matter that he requested that I forget him I could not. Days passed and the notes remained for I checked them daily. He and the opera house were forever linked in my thoughts. He was in every shadow, box five, the catwalk, the halls, especially my room where we had talked so much. I wanted him to walk through the mirror and return to me. I physically ached for him. In the dark of night I longed for his touch, his arms about me, his lips upon my skin. In the day I pined for his discourse and his sensuous voice. My music was not the same without him, it was but a poor echo of the rich layered dynamic melodies we had created. My heart had spoken and I wanted Erik. My love for him had never died and now my love for him was even stronger. Now that I realized how much I wanted him and I feared my poor Erik, was lost and gone. He really meant to cut me out of his life, thinking it was for the best. I didn't know what to do. He had told me never to venture below without him for he had many traps to keep us safe he had said. Now those traps barred me from my love. How do I reach him and prove to him that I am better off with him? How I wish I had rushed after him weeks ago.
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