Responses

jilnachtaugen... Hiii! Glad to be back! I'm so glad you're enjoying it! Originally, I actually considered having Atsushi have a run-in with Gin. It would have ended the same way, and a while back, someone asked what had happened to Gin in all of this. But ultimately, I didn't want to kill off a character I love when I could just kill a nameless Port Mafia guy.

NoEndInSight13: Thank you! I'm so glad this is making quarantine easier. Writing it has definitely helped me during these times! To answer your question, it would likely be easier for them to leave the country, but Dazai kept them in Yokohama because he likes to keep tabs on the Port Mafia and he might have thought they could hide in plain sight. The real reason though... I just like Yokohama as a setting, and was somewhat reluctant to make them move.

PenguinOtaku: Thank you so much for your kind review! I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

thesilentromantic: =D Thank you for reading! I'm so happy that you are enjoying my writing.

OverGlowed: Thank you so much for your review!

Land of Insanity: Thanks for your review! Atsushi is kind of always in emotional turmoil in this fic. I really like to use that to show the strength that he doesn't know he has. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. =D

oohlips123: Here's a new chapter! Thank you so much for your review! I'm so glad that this has been an emotional roller coaster!

DolphinLover125: Thank you so much for reading and for your kind review! I'm thrilled that you like it and that it made you feel emotions! Honestly, bringing people to tears is a bit of a goal of mine.

So, anyway...

Hello, everyone! So, it's been a crazy time. I really had intended to post this chapter on June 19th for Dazai's birthday, but I was somewhere and wifi was fairly unreliable, so I wasn't able to get it out as I'd planned. But yeah, for now, I'm just trying to get through a physics class to keep the requirements for school. I'm not great at physics, so... Yeah. I'm working through it.

But I still managed to chart out the last few chapters of this story! I think I'll get this wrapped up in a few more chapters! Hard to believe this is approaching an end. I've been writing it since 2018, and my gosh, SO MUCH has happened since then.

Anyway, I hope you all like this chapter, and here it is!

It had been a slow process, but after a few hours of being alone and letting the drug run its course, Atsushi had managed to stagger to the bathroom and wash the gore and grime from his hair and skin. But no amount of scrubbing and soap could wash away the gritty feeling that covered every inch of him.

And that left him where he was now, curled up under the covers, his chest feeling tight, and his skin red from his aggressive cleaning. Despite using nearly scalding and then freezing water, his hands still felt warm. The feeling of the blood on his hands should have faded by now, but it was still there. It was a sickening feeling, to say the least. A dark reminder of how alive someone was before Atsushi had killed him. Knowing that the kill had been in self-defense wasn't much of a comfort.

Being alone suddenly felt unfamiliar. Until recently, it hadn't been.

Until recently, alone had been his normal, bleak and sad, but normal. Now, he could hear the ominous hum of silence. It echoed in his ears, filling his brain with static. He pulled the covers over his head to block out the sound.

It felt like he would remain like that forever, slightly suffocated and kept shuddered in the dark and all alone. This was his prison now. This was his punishment.

When the sound of the door opening pulled him from his thoughts, he didn't raise his head. He already knew it was Dazai. He already knew that Dazai was spotted with blood. The smell made his nose itch and his eyes water. He nearly gagged.

The man didn't say anything. Atsushi heard him open and close the bathroom door before the shower started going.

Was that supposed to mean anything? Was he too irritated to even speak to Atsushi right now?

Atsushi stayed under the covers, his muscles tense with no chance of loosening. He stayed like that for what felt like hours. The rustle of fabric and the groan of the floor were his only indications of what Dazai was doing.

A tired sigh. Then, the soft thud of Dazai plopping down to the floor right beside the bed.

Atsushi remained frozen.

He could hear Dazai's even breathing.

What now?

Typically, Dazai would say something or try to prompt Atsushi to talk.

Neither thing happened this time. Dazai didn't speak, and neither did Atsushi. Silence reigned in the room. The silence felt louder than it had when Atsushi had been alone. Somehow, it rang endlessly in his ears, making it feel like his brain had been replaced by cotton. The stretching silence between them was absolutely mind-numbing.

Why was Dazai being silent? Dazai was supposed to speak first. He always, always led conversations.

Atsushi considered speaking, but every time he started to open his mouth to talk, trembling set in, his throat tightened up, he couldn't figure out what to say. If it wasn't one obstacle, it was another. Should he apologize again? Was that what Dazai was waiting to hear? Did Dazai want an explanation? Just what did one say in this kind of situation? Every possible sentence seemed wrong.

It had to be at least an hour before Atsushi mustered up the will to say something.

"Are you angry?" It came out weaker than he'd meant it to, not that he could figure out a proper tone to use.

"No."

"Then, why aren't you saying anything?" He asked, his head still under the covers as though the blanket offered some sort of protection in case Dazai was actually angry.

Beside him, Dazai shifted. He was quiet for a minute. Then, "I thought you needed some room to breathe. I didn't want to force you to talk if you didn't want to."

Atsushi swallowed hard before slowly peeking out from under the blanket.

Dazai could be lying, he was good at it after all. And he had every right to be furious with Atsushi.

"I'm sorry," Atsushi said for the third time that night. "I- I couldn't breathe, and-" He stopped talking when his throat constricted. He had to say something, but it was so hard to figure out what he could say. Atsushi stopped trying to talk.

"It isn't your fault," Dazai replied, glancing back.

Their eyes met for a second before Atsushi blinked back tears and pressed his face against the mattress.

"Feels like it's my fault," he mumbled, his words muffled. "I killed him."

"It was self-defense."

Atsushi swallowed thickly. "I didn't mean to," he whispered. "I didn't want to hurt anyone." He fought the urge to hide his face under the covers again. "He just-He-" Atsushi cut himself off.

Dazai didn't speak for a minute like he was waiting for Atsushi to say something.

"I saw the wounds, you know. I know you tried to do what I taught you. You tried to escape in the most bloodless way possible."

I tried and failed. Atsushi thought, shuddering as the bloodied corpse appeared in his mind. He could see it… He doubted he could ever forget that image.

And… suddenly, he felt alone again. Even with Dazai sitting by him and talking to him, he felt so lonely. It was a sudden memory, and it hit him hard, that feeling of Dazai ruffling his hair and putting his hands on his shoulders. Sure, Dazai's touch had been strange and mechanical and Atsushi had flinched, but it'd still felt human enough. It still had made him feel less isolated.

Now, Dazai didn't make any move to pull back the covers or make Atsushi meet his eyes or awkwardly try to comfort him. And somehow, the space Dazai was giving him hurt.

"It doesn't change the fact that someone died because of me."

Dazai sighed, the first indication that he was at all irritated. "Atsushi-kun, if he'd succeeded in dragging you back to the Port Mafia, you would be facing a fate worse than death. Execution would be a mercy." He shifted, turning his body so he sat against the wall and could look at Atsushi more directly. "If that had happened, I doubt that I could break you out of there. In the very best case scenario, it would take a while."

Atsushi turned his head to look at Dazai, his cheek still pressing against the bed.

Tiredness was scrawled across Dazai's face, dark circles running under his eyes, and a soft expression that Atsushi could tell was forced. He looked drained, like a parasite had burrowed into his guts and was slowly sucking the life from him. With a stab of guilt, Atsushi realized that he was that parasite, that he was the thing that was slowly eating away at Dazai's life.

"You didn't kill him out of any malicious intent," Dazai continued after a minute. "It was for our survival."

Atsushi knew that. He knew that. He knew it was supposed to alleviate the guilt and quiet his mind, but it didn't. It didn't change the fact that he'd killed someone or that he'd lost control. How many more would die if the tiger took over when he panicked? How many bodies would stack up because of him?

That aside, something else weighed him down.

"Would Oda-san be angry? I let him down, didn't I?"

Dazai blinked, his posture going perfectly straight.

"He-He refused to kill people," Atsushi continued. "And-"

"No, Atsushi-kun, no," Dazai interrupted, his tone hushed, but sharp."He wouldn't be mad at you, and you didn't let him down. If anything, he would be furious with the Mafia and the guy who tried to haul you back." Dazai pulled his legs in, bringing his knees to his chest. The pose made him look smaller than he actually was. "He'd wanted to leave it for a long time, you know. And we left because he told me to. He wouldn't be angry that you did everything in your power to avoid going back." Dazai sighed, pausing for a moment. "Our situation isn't an easy one to navigate, and Odasaku would understand that."

Atsushi didn't say anything.

Dazai let out a long exhale and ran a hand through his hair. "Try to sleep, okay? We're leaving early in the morning, pretty much at the crack of dawn, and that'll be harder on you if you're drained."

"I don't think I'll be able to," Atsushi murmured, turning onto his front again and resting his forehead on his arms.

"I know," Dazai said, his tone more understanding than Atsushi had ever heard. "Just try."

Atsushi did try to sleep. He tried. But sleeping and trying to sleep were two different things. He knew within seconds of Dazai ending the conversation that he wouldn't sleep that night. The mattress that was probably mediocre was a slab of stone under him. His head hurt from replaying that horrible moment over and over again in his head. And it made him sick to his stomach.

Despite that, he kept his eyes closed, forced himself to breathe somewhat normally, and swallowed whatever cries that wanted to escape him. Every now and then, he glanced up to stare at the sliver of sky that was visible in the space between the drapes. The night dragged on, feeling like it took forever, but moved too fast. He watched the light crawl into the sky bit by bit. It was around that time when a hand shook him lightly.

"Atsushi-kun," Dazai said in a hushed tone. "We need to head out."

Atsushi squinted because of the exhaustion and dim light. "I didn't sleep," he mumbled, feeling strangely guilty about it. He sounded petulant, even to his own ears.

"I know," he said, putting a hand on Atsushi's head.

Atsushi's muscles tensed at the touch. Despite the fact that he'd wanted some kind of physical contact earlier, he couldn't keep from flinching. It was a response that was too deeply rooted in his brain.

"Ah, sorry," he said, withdrawing his hand like Atsushi had burned him.

"I'm sorry," Atsushi said back, feeling mortification at his stupid involuntary reaction. He looked down, forcing himself up and shuffling off to get dressed.

His limbs were heavy, his movements drunken and sluggish. Atsushi was drained.

He wanted to collapse and just sleep there on the floor, but he knew that would be stupid. He'd caused enough trouble for Dazai already. He'd thrown off Dazai's entire plan, after all.

/-/-/

Dazai had known that he'd been out of his depth for a while, but it was really beginning to crash down on him now. Atsushi had never been completely stable before, but now, he was reaching a new level of emotional instability.

He glanced at Atsushi as a cab drove them further out of the city. The boy looked exhausted to say the very least. His eyes were bloodshot from crying and a lack of sleep, and every so often, he shuddered like he'd been staring at something gruesome.

Now wouldn't be a good time to tell him. Dazai thought. Really, he guessed that there would never be a good time to tell Atsushi that he'd considered letting him join the detective agency on his own.

Of course, it seemed like a terrible idea now, but earlier, it'd felt like a possibility. He knew that Atsushi felt suffocated in their shared rooms and suites. He knew that Atsushi craved being outside like his body craved nutrients. And, Dazai knew that despite the fact that their relationship was improving, underneath it all, Atsushi was still scared of him. Being confined with the person who had hurt him was likely prolonging the healing process.

So, it'd seemed reasonable to give him some space and time away from Dazai. Of course, Dazai had planned to check in with him on a regular basis and keep an eye on him, but it would still give Atsushi some room to work through his problems.

He'd also hoped that separating would keep them hidden since he'd assumed that the Port Mafia would be hunting both of them and would have a harder time locating them if they weren't together. That hadn't worked out of course.

And now it was all impossible.

He couldn't leave Atsushi alone. Not now. Not when he was in such a fragile state. Not when he could still be hunted.

The boy was despondent, staring at his hands without much of an expression on his face.

Dazai leaned closer. "You should try to get some sleep," he murmured to Atsushi. After a moment of hesitation, he put his hand on Atsushi's arm.

No response.

"I'll be here." Then in a lower voice, "The tiger won't take over. No one will touch you."

Atsushi's eyes did turn to him. They were no longer watery, but they were dull. So painfully dull. Any fire that had been in his eyes before had been snuffed out.

For a moment, Dazai thought that was the only reply he was going to get from him. But after a minute of stillness, Atsushi nodded before pulling his legs closer to his body and resting his head on his knees.

He might have been pretending to sleep for a little while. His muscles were still tense, his breaths still shallower than they should have been, and he shifted around a lot, trying to get somewhat comfortable in the seat.

Dazai looked out the window, being sure to glance at Atsushi every so often to be sure he was fine. He was alright. For the moment, he was just tired and still shaken.

They'd been in the car for a few hours, and despite his efforts to stay alert, Dazai was beginning to feel his eyelids get heavy. He blinked a few times, trying to shake off the tiredness that set into his body. He'd managed to sleep more than Atsushi had that night, but it wasn't a lot. Atsushi's crying had kept him awake.

He was yanked into alertness when something bumped against his shoulder. Dazai's muscles tensed immediately. He turned his head to see what touched him, and he raised his eyebrows.

Atsushi's head rested against his shoulder. His eyes were closed, but not shut tightly. The muscles in his face had relaxed a bit, and his mouth was hanging slightly open. Any sort of tension in his body and expression had softened out now, leaving him looking more peaceful than dead inside. His breathing had evened out.

Dazai remained perfectly still. He didn't want to risk shifting and making Atsushi jerk awake. He needed his sleep after all. So, Dazai remained motionless, only loosening his muscles after several minutes when he was sure it wouldn't disturb his student.

He looked out the window again, tiredly wondering if Atsushi had been at all awake when he'd laid his head on Dazai's shoulder. He would guess no. He doubted Atsushi was aware of anything at all, which was a good thing for the moment.

After glancing at his student again, Dazai sighed and returned to looking out the window.

So, there you are. There's the new chapter! I hope you all liked it! Feel free to review. I read every review, and they mean a lot to me!

Ummm... So, if you read these author's notes things, you've probably seen the comments about how I love to crochet. I haven't been making as many plushies as I used to, but I'm still crafting. I've been making a few BSD themed water bottle holders. I've been experimenting with it a bit and will make more soon. Feel free to find me and my projects by looking up "CrochetedByAnnika" or "Crochet Bungou Stray Dogs." (I would put in a link, but apparently that doesn't work here.) And don't be afraid to request something. I love to challenge myself that way!

So... Yeah... I think that's everything...

Thank you for all the love you all give this story, I could not have made it this far without all the support!

Stay safe and healthy.

Bye!