WARNING!

So this chapter might be a little much for some people, so please don't read the itallics if you are triggered by the following (trigger warning: rape, abuse, domestic violence). I am still not sure if I maybe went a little too far with this, but at the time I wrote this background story it felt right.

Anyone suffering from a trauma like this or being in a relationship like that: get out! You deserve better and it is not your fault! Get help!

"After I finished school I went to Mexico. I saved some money and I wanted to work for a humanitarian aid organisation that mainly cared for children left behind on the run and victims of drug criminality. I went down to Mexico together with a good friend of mine and we shared an apartment outside Nuevo Laredo. I loved the work, especially with the kids. The staff changed a lot since a lot of people were only there for a short amount of time but some lived not far behind the border so they were there on a daily basis. Daniel was one of them… He was kind, always did more than what was expected of him. He showed my friend and me a lot of Mexico on our days off. It was nice being around him and we just clicked. At least I thought so in the beginning. After one year I got the offer to stay in Mexico and even get paid for working there. My friend went back to Nebraska, to study law. Since I got along with Daniel real good I moved in with him.

Things were really great despite him being a little jealous from time to time. Back then I thought a little jealousy was normal. I don't really remember when he started to change. It happened so slow I only realised it when it was too late. I started hanging out with friends less and less and he managed that I really thought that was my own decision. I stayed home more and had less contact with people apart from him. If my brother called and asked how I was doing, I always told him that I still loved my work, that my relationship was great and so on. Maybe I pretended for so long that I started believing it myself.

Someday he would only let me out of the apartment when I was wearing shirts with long sleeves and no short pants. Anything that would show the slightest amount of cleavage was completely out of the question and he would raise his voice. Even that I accepted, telling myself that he just didn't want anyone to get the wrong impression about me. Later he got angry about me wearing mascara, that wasn't appropriate for a woman who was spoken for. It got more absurd every day.
One evening a colleague gave me a ride home because I had a flat tire. I was only wearing a t-shirt because it was so hot outside. I will never forget that day. It was the first time he hit me… Back then he did it with his hand only. He was so angry, he told me I should have called him. That I should have waited for him locked inside my car. I shouldn't have agreed to my colleague giving me a ride. I shouldn't have, at least he said I did, presented myself to the guy like a common whore. He accused me over and over again that I was cheating on him with Raul and we were both laughing about him. I tried convincing him that he was wrong, that I only loved him. He beat me up so heavily that I had to hide my face under make up for over a week.

In the beginning I thought that wasn't him. That he didn't mean it. I blamed myself for him thinking I was cheating. I told myself that he would never do that again, which he promised me in tears.
A week later we went grocery shopping. One of the boys I was responsible for was there. I talked to him for a minute and he made some of his usual jokes. Nothing extreme or out of line. Bacak home I knew something was wrong the second he locked the door. I was putting away the groceries when he grabbed me from behind and dragged me to the bedroom by my hair. I asked what had gotten into him. He just slapped me and pushed me onto our bed. He yelled at me what an ugly and lying whore I was. That I would spread my legs for just any male staff member at work and only refused to please him. I tried to fight him off but he was on top of me and tied my hands to the bedpost. He didn't stop yelling at me and I begged him to stop and just let me go. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry for whatever I did to lose his trust. He just screamed at me to stop lying and that he would teach me a lesson so I'd never forget who I belong to. That was the first time he raped me…

In that moment I finally realised that I needed to get out, that I needed help. One of my colleagues promised to help me get away. I gave him almost all of my savings for provisions, official documents and so on. The morning he was supposed to pick me up I thought I made it. Sadly I had no idea he was Daniel's friend. He brought me to a small house way off the highway where Daniel was already waiting for us. I will never forget the way he looked at me when he dragged me out of the car. He kept me in the barn for days. Tied to the ceiling, my feet barely touching the ground. Two times a day he brought a small bucket so I could go to the toilet. I didn't get to eat or drink anything. At some point I stopped keeping track of how many times he raped me…
He always kept yelling at me that I didn't get to eat because I was a fat and ugly whore. That I was running around other men like a bitch in heat and that that was the reason he got to treat me like an animal. He often beat me up, in the early days he mostly hit my face. There was no need to be careful of someone seeing the bruises anymore. Later he prefered a cattle whip. His favourite spot was my back until I was bleeding. Sometimes he hit my stomach… For that he tied me to a bench so I couldn't shy away. He always said he would continue to use the whip until he was sure I didn't get myself impregnated by someone else. That's where most of my scars are from. From time to time he would stab me with a knife, stating nobody would want to fuck a woman with so many ugly scars on her fat and ugly body…

Even after he moved me over and into the house there was no real change in his behaviour. He didn't beat me up as often as before. But he still raped me at least once a day. He wanted a child, so nobody would look at me anymore because I was his property. He tried branding me with his initials… Lucky for me that didn't work out. I still don't know where he got the medication but he started putting me under with psychopharmaceuticals.
One day he came home and presented me a forged marriage certificate. I would go nowhere, every hospital would immediately contact and inform him about my whereabouts.

I don't remember much of the time after that because of the drugs. Don't ask me how but somehow I managed to get away. When the drugs started wearing off I tried to somehow get back home. I was gone for over three years. Only when my brother insisted I filed a lawsuit against Daniel. I was too afraid that he would find me. When there was no more news on him, I assumed the police got him. I started to forget and got psychological support to deal with the trauma.

I somehow fought my way back. That is why I became a nurse. To help other people. I really thought I started a new life. And then all of this happened. You couldn't have known what you did by bringing me to the hospital. After three years after I left, he found me because the hospital called him to tell him I had been submitted to the ambulance. I was so afraid he would take me away again. I just barely got away before he managed to get me pregnant…
I fear the moment the police have to let him go again. He will find me. I am broken. Because of him. He broke me. That is why I think I am not beautiful. Because he literally beat me to believe that I am fat and ugly…"

I had no more tears to shed. I was still sitting in Bucky's lap and busied my fingers by playing with the white fabric of his tank top. I couldn't look him in the eyes, I wouldn't be able to bear the compassion in them. He let out a long sigh and brushed his hands over his face and through his hair before putting them back on my hips. I just breathed until I felt the soft pressure of his lips against my forehead.
"I am sorry, doll. For you having lived through such a trauma and that he found you after all those years. I am sorry that you have Hydra after you on top of what he did to you. I…" I finally looked up at him. "Let me promise you something… No matter what happens, I will always look out for you. Whenever you need someone to talk to, you come to me. I will teach you how to fight, so no one can do something like that to you ever again. And if necessary, I'd give…" He looked at me in surprise when I put my hand over his mouth.
"Please, don't say you would give your life to protect me. You are too important for this team and for the people…" He took my hand and pressed a kiss to the inside.
"How is it possible that after all that happened to you, you still think of others first?"
"Because it sometimes is easier to be strong for someone else than for yourself."

We stayed on the couch for quite some time, without saying anything. I was still in his lap, toying with the hem of his shirt. He had his hands on me and his head leaned against mine. I sighed, it had gotten quite late and I was exhausted. Slowly I slipped from his lap.
"Are you staying for a while longer? I can turn on the light for you." He got to his feet and took my hand in his.
"I'll drop you off at your room."
When we got there I hesitated and turned around towards him. He was leaning with his shoulder against the wall, hands buried in his pockets.
"Thank you, Bucky. For everything." He looked down at me when I made a step towards him and kissed his cheek. Before he could say anything, I disappeared in my room and closed the door. I slowly slid down against the wood and listened to his heavy steps leaving after a minute.