Chapter 22: Healing
Everyone swears to me Brandon is alive but it has been over a month and he has not yet returned, he is showing his rage to the Rysell's and Dustins for following lord Bolton along with the smaller vassels that went along with the plot. He had to show them the price of disobedience Ned had said but didn't Brandon know I needed to see him alive and well?
Ethan Glover returned to Winterfell bringing Catelyn and the children back. I found keeping the children close made me feel a little better. Rhaenys was the only one old enough to really notice the change in my appearance. "Momma you got big like grandmama." Rhaenys had said when she first arrived it brought tears to my eyes, I thought she was to little to remember Rhaella and thought it was sweet that she did.
I thought about Rhaella a lot. We both struggled with pregnancies but at least we use to struggle together until Aerys sent her away and she died giving birth to her daughter. Her children were orphans alone somewhere in Essos. I wished I could help them, if Brandon got in with the king as well as his brother was perhaps, he could convince him to let them come to Winterfell and be wards of Brandon's or with Ned at moat Callign. I had to stay in line to protect my children, but I owed it to Rhaella to protect her babies if I could. She was always so kind to me, we were both married to men who did not want to marry us but she always embraced me as her daughter, there was something cold and dutiful about her that she learned to survive, I always wondered what it would have been like to know her when she was younger, I thought I would see it in her daughter, I would still like to. If Rhaella and I did not share the same fate, Rhaella was older then I but also stronger and she still died. I at least knew Brandon would take care of Rhaenys and Aegon should I pass. He would not let them be taken away from him.
Still as I moved my hand against my enlarged belly I could not stop picturing my baby, imagining Brandon's surprise, seeing him hold his child for the first time, being able to give him the heir nobody thought I could. That was worth living for.
"Momma!" Jon called snapping me out of my thoughts. Rhaenys had both Robb and Jon's attention on the rug but the crackle of the fire brought him to me. Catelyn watched as I carefully pulled him into my arms. Him calling me momma still brought a smile to my lips it was new for me but Rhaenys said he had been calling for me like that since they left.
Catelyn was sitting next to me as we watched our children play, she was sure I needed to be calm and happy and nothing made me happy like my children.
Jon adjusted against my stomach to cuddle against me as I stroked his hair.
"Is it not odd he calls you momma?" She askes nervously.
"Why would it be he hears Aegon and Rhaenys call me mama, besides I feel like his mother I am raising him, I love him why should he not call me mama?" I asked she smiles politely.
"May I ask you something." She says softly.
"Of course." I promise.
"How can it not hurt you to look at your husband's bastard." Catelyn asks.
"I have known plenty of cruelty in my life and there is nothing cruel or bad about Jon. My husband could do much worse then give me this sweet boy to adore" I said before kissing Jon's head. I had always wanted a large family and Jon was a part of it now. I was so happy to think myself the mother of 4 children.
"I think it would effect my marriage." Catelyn admits honestly.
"Every marriage is different." I say wistfully wanting my husband to come home and I was not the only one, I noticed Aegon banging his wolf against the floor watching the paint chip he has been in a sour mood of late.
"Aegon stop that." I told him and he did so with a pout. "Come here my love." I told him and reluctantly he obeyed.
"There isn't room for me!" He says stopping short of my grasp.
"Well you can sit on my lap." Catelyn says pulling him into her arms and kissing him until he was forced to giggle. "I know you miss lord Stark but I have known him for sometime and I know he would not want you to be unhappy." She says before looking up at me. "Either of you." She reminds.
"Lady Catelyn is wise beyond her years." I tell them putting Jon down and carefully getting up. "Be good for her while I go check on Benjen." I tell the children.
"I want to go too!" Rhaenys says hopping up she loved him so much and in truth Benjen would love to see the children but I did not want Rhaenys to see her hero battered and wounded and I did not want Benjen to hurt himself trying to play with her.
"Not yet my love he needs to rest." I told her softly.
"I made him something, I found this pretty leaf when you took us to the Godswood and I pressed it in a book to make it flat, I thought he could use it to mark his page since you bring him books." She tells me what a sweet little girl she has become even though her childhood was marred with strife.
I carefully take it from her it's a truly beautiful red leaf from that extraordinary tree, I have been to the Godswood quiet a lot lately and sometimes with the children, I do not know if my prayers there are ever heard but I liked to think Brandon's gods were watching over him wherever he was.
"I am sure he will love it, that is so sweet." I tell my daughter who smiles.
Jon whines as I move away from him.
"It's okay Jon, we play while momma is gone." Aegon says hopping down from Catelyn's lap he offers his wolf to Jon who happily takes it sitting on the rug. Aegon may look so much like Rhaegar but he is more like Brandon everyday the way he pats Jons head makes me think of Brandon's love for his brothers. Rhaenys Joins them to bringing Robb along.
"Jon can you howl like a wolf?" Rhaenys askes sweetly. "Can you go owow ow ow ow oww!" She says.
"ooooo wow!" Jon goes and Aegon falls back laughing Rhaenys gives him a glare that makes Catelyn and I life.
"He will get it!" She says determined before turning to her other pupil. "Robb can you go owww oww oww!" She askes and Robb just tilts his head confused.
"Moooo!" Aegon goes and soon both babes are mooing after him his proud smile makes me think of Brandon.
Rhaenys looks at me defeated. "That better be a baby sister." She tells me making me laugh.
I gather some things for him before going to his wounds, the swelling in his face has gone down he is starting to look like Benjen again, his chest is bandaged tightly and he is suppose to stay still so his ribs can heal properly. Luwin was leaving as I was entering.
"How is he?" I ask.
"Well he is sleeping much less and complaining much more." He says gruffly.
"At least he is well enough to complain." I remind as I go in Luwin nods respectfully before leaving us.
"How are you feeling?" I ask.
"Bored." He says dully.
"Well I brought you something." I say carefully handing him the leather journal. He looks at it seeing it written in my hand.
"Is this your journal?" He askes before his face twists in disgust. "My brother is not in it is he?" He asks.
"No, it is 10,000 ships Nymeria's story, it was not in the library and I know you only like books about war and have read most of them, I know this one by heart so I wrote it down for you." I tell him he smiles and looks over it carefully.
"Rhaenys pressed a leaf for you to safe your place." I tell him handing it to him.
"Will you bring Rhaenys and Aegon?" He asked.
"Soon." I promise. "I want you to focus on getting better you went through quite a lot."
"I was weak." He says bitterly.
"Do not say that, you were very strong."
"I killed a man from behind there is nothing weaker."
"You saved my life and my babies life." I remind him. "I will always be grateful." I promise taking his hand and for a moment he relaxes but only for a moment.
"Ned resents me for it, I know he does he just doesn't say so because I am his brother and there is not anything Ned would not do for family, he is loyal to a fault.
"Ned still loves you I do not know what he thinks is right or wrong but what do you think Brandon would think about you saving us any way possible?" I ask.
"He will be proud." Benjen says.
"Yes, he will be and I already am." I promise.
"Will you read the book to me for a while?" He asks and I nod. I read to him until he falls asleep.
Before I go back to my children, I find myself going to the Godswood. I still remember how Brandon looked at me when we married here that charming smirk of his I never thought I would be carrying his child when we married. I step forward towards that magnificent white tree when a twig snaps under my shoe and the other inhabitant of the gods wood startles to his feet and moves around the tree that had been hiding him from me and Ned Stark and I were staring at each other.
"I did not mean to startle you." He says my hand was firmly on my stomach out of instinct and my heart was beating fast from the shock.
"I did not mean to interrupt you at prayer." I told him softly. "I should go." I tell him stepping back,"
"You do not have to," He tells me, and I stop.
The wind rustles through both of our hair as we stay looking at each other.
"I suppose there is room for both of us to pray," I say finally, and he nods.
"There's a rock you might find as a peaceful place to sit and pray I always do," He tells me coming closer and offering me his arm.
"I do not want to take your place of prayer."
"Your carrying my brothers' baby if I do not take care of you he will thump me when he returns." He says and I smile though I know he is not joking. I take his arm and look at this wonderful place while he leads me to the rock.
"I did not think you would pray here," He admits. "Catelyn prays in septs."
"My gods turned their back on me first." I promise him.
"So, you turn to the old gods?"
"I do not know I just find it peaceful her, I always think of wedding your brother here." I tell him.
"I miss him to." He says finally as he helps me down on the rock. "I know it seems like we only ever fight but when I heard he was dead….it broke my heart." He tells me.
I nod never feeling closer to Ned then in that moment. "Like you cannot catch your breath no matter how you gasp for it." I say quietly he nods his agreeance.
"I know you love him; I love him to that's why I wanted to protect him."
"From me." I say knowing that is what he meant. "I am not sure what I have done to earn your mistrust."
"Your cleverer then most and you do not mind using it to your advantage." He says.
"What pray tell is wrong with that?"
"It is not the honorable way."
"What is the honorable way?" I ask.
"A fair fight between two opponents with no scheming or backstabbing or poison." He reminds.
"If I fought like that I would lose every time." I remind him.
"You're a woman you should not fight."
"Then how am I to defend myself in this cruel world?" I ask.
"You are not supposed to, your husband is supposed to."
"Rhaegar did not care to defend me or his children, Brandon loves me and yet he too cannot always protect me and my children and when it comes to my children I do not care how honorable it is I will defend them any way I can no matter how devious, I have to. I know Catelyn would agree with me there is not a bond greater than family." I promise him.
"I agree and when you put it that way, I realize I am guilty of the same." He says. "It does not matter when my siblings are in the wrong I still would defend them and die for them."
"Benjen is not in the wrong, he did what he did to save me, he knows you do not think it was brave-"
"Stabbing a man in the back-?"
"Through the throat with a dull cheese knife to save me and my baby killing a man twice his age and size who had beaten him bloody." I remind he actually smiles.
"You did not let me finish." He says.
"You interrupted me first." I remind.
"You are just as stubborn as Brandon." He says with a small laugh I could see in his eyes he really missed his big brother.
"Go on." I say finally.
"Stabbing a man in the back is different then a boy trying to save someone he loves dearly, I know this. I am not disappointed in Benjen he did not order the men to be poisoned."
"I will not apologize for that opening the gates for you with the men dead meant no more unnecessary killing of the innocent in Winterfell those men were not innocent they hurt your brother and these are my people too now and I have to protect them."
"Does Brandon find to so incredibly hard to fight you," Ned askes.
"He does not." I promise looking at the tree when I realized something and looked back at him. "If Benjen was not who you meant why are you disappointed in Brandon. He did the right thing he did not rush here half cocked he went to the dread fort got hostages of his own." I remind ready to defend Brandon.
"I did not mean Brandon." He says wistfully and I realize he means Lyanna. "Have you ever defended someone you knew was wrong?"
"Yes." I admit Oberyn got into a fight with lord Yarnwood after sleeping with his mistress and wife they had a battle to first blood because Oberyn was a royal prince but Oberyn slayed him all the same and Yarnwood was furious and so was Doran his rage was justified but I worked tirelessly to secure a peace between my brothers. When Doran's son reaches the age of 7 he will be fostered at yarnwood and this made peace for my brother Oberyns crime. So, I understood Neds need to defend his sister though he knew her choice was wrong I also knew it was terribly hard to admit when your sibling was wrong.
"Sometimes it is easier to try and find blame in those they wrong." I admit.
"It is the cowards way out." Ned admits.
"You are not responsible for Lyanna and Rhaegars mistakes." I tell him and his eyes go wide.
"You know?"
"Yes." I admit.
"Is he going to tell everyone?" Ned says frustrated.
"No, I am glad he told me though and if you want some advice you did not ask for I think you should tell Catelyn, she is your wife she should be your confidant too."
"It's a Stark secret."
"She married you and bares your Stark children what more could she be?" I asked.
"Your right, I find myself saying that a lot." He says.
"I find myself liking you better." I tease.
"Well if you need any help with anything let me know, I should be a good brother to you as well." He says so earnestly I think there is a little of Benjen's sweetness in him as well.
"Would you show me how to pray, I am not sure if I am doing it right." I admit sheepishly.
"Aye, but I do not think there is a wrong way to pray." He tells me he sits next to me and bows his head. "We pray for Lord Brandon Stark to be safe on his journey and to return soon, we pray for that his baby is born healthy and that Benjen's strength is returned to him." Ned says with his eyes closed. I close my eyes too.
"We pray for my brother's safety far away from me, for all of our children and their health. We pray for all of our people in the north to thrive with food and peace." I continue and I feel his hand take mine.
"We pray for princess Elia's people in Dorne for their own safety and security." He adds.
"Amen." A familiar voice says and my eyes snap open to see my Brandon in front of me. He is staring at me and move forward to me quickly I grip him tightly as I get up. "Brandon thank the gods your alright." I cry tears pour out of my eyes as I embrace him, he is almost frozen in shock.
"Elia your pregnant." He says softly.
I look up into those wild grey eyes. "You're going to be a papa." I tell him softly I cry more because I thought I would never get to tell him this that I would never see him again.
He drops to his knees and kisses my belly. "I swear in front of all the gods to love and protect this child all it's days." He says before kissing my stomach more he whispers his love to our baby as I comb through his messy hair with his brother looking away from this private display and the weirwood tree before us as our witness while its brilliant leaves shade us.
Neither of us noticed Ned's departure. Brandon get up and pulls me into his arms and we kiss and kiss until our lips are swore. "I thought you were gone." I cry his hand wipes away my tears as he cradles me in his other arm. "I will always make my way back to you Elia. "He promises.