Chapter 22
Remus was in the library with Severus, studying together. This might have sounded strange in his ears few months ago as the two never uttered a single syllable since… forever. But now he was here, scribbling down a parchment next to the scrawny Slytherin reading off a gigantic volume.
Life is just a mystery, Remus thought.
A bell rang, telling its time for dinner.
Remus started packing away his stuff as the other boy did as well. Severus looked so thin and small; his skin was pale as if he never seen a daylight. The Gryffindor boy quietly stared at the closed-up boy shuffling his books in his schoolbag. They were too heavy for the bony arms to lift, in Remus' eyes.
Remus instinctively launched himself to grab the small boy when he bit back a groan of pain as he was getting up.
"Hey, you alright?" Remus asked, with a worried look.
Severus turned to him, wearily.
"I'm fine", he mumbled.
But he didn't look fine in Remus' eyes. He tightened his grip on the boy's arm, supporting the boy. Thankfully, Severus did not push him away. Though he supposed the pain had rendered the boy, Severus actually leaned against the support before fully straightening himself slowly.
The boy was paler if that's possible.
Remus did not know what was wrong with the boy. Severus clams up every time he tried to figure things out. The same thing happens with Sirius as well. The Slytherin doesn't look particularly ill at first, but Remus could tell there's something wrong with the boy after spending enough time close to him.
"You don't look fine", Remus returned, eyeing the sheen of sudden sweat formed on the forehead.
Severus again shut his mouth up, with a frown. He refused to meet his eyes and started to walk towards the door.
"I said I'm fine", he said sternly.
Remus knitted his brows but didn't say anything. Instead, he reached for Severus' schoolbag and flung it over his shoulder.
"Let me take your bag", said Remus, "you're going to the Hall, right?"
Severus nodded.
Remus smiled, gesturing the door.
The two got out of the library.
Everyone in the library stared at the two, whispering.
Remus knew they were talking about their stories. Fabricated stories weaved with fractions of facts. Remus knew about that, but he couldn't spend his worries on those. Normally, he would be utterly concerned for what other people say about him. He would worry about how other people see him. He'd worry if they start to notice.
Such concerns used to cower him down, wither him from doing the right thing. And led him here. This is why he wanted to change. He wanted to break out of such fears and do the right thing. He will not give in to those curious gossips that are starting to become more offensive.
Sirius was not here because of his Quidditch practice. He rarely leaves Severus' side for whatever reasons he refuse to share, but sometimes things don't work the way he wants.
Remus being the model student meant he comes to the library often and Severus being the Potion nerd, he often had numerous studies to do. And from what he heard, Severus had an exam with Professor Slughorn, which he failed during classes. It wasn't a formal exam, but Professor Slughorn likes to include the result scores in the grading.
Severus completed the task with a minor mistake, which made him to redo the test. Remus supposed the heavy volumes he's been reading were for the test.
Remus glanced at the boy, who appeared uncomfortable around him.
The Gryffindor boy bit down sighing.
He knew Severus was afraid of him. Even if he pretends, he was not, Remus just could feel that fear. Severus was wary of him, constantly fidgeting and glancing at him.
But how can he blame the boy?
Afterall, it's only a miracle that Remus is still inside this castle.
Remus was grateful for him. He truly was.
Severus let him stay with his friends, let him continue his life. Should the boy wish to recount the night to Dumbledore, he would have been thrown out of the building. Even worse, he won't be able to see his friends anymore. No parents in their right mind would let their children befriend with a werewolf.
But Severus kept his secret. And for that, he will help this boy whatever suffering he is currently going through.
"Severus?" Remus called the Slytherin when they reached the Great Hall.
He did not wanted Severus to carry the bag all the way to the table, as it was pretty heavy.
Severus looked up, in query.
Remus smiled gently, "would you like me to take your bag to your table?"
Severus' brows furrowed. Rolling his eyes, Severus shook his head in refusal. Remus felt like withdrawing his offer, seeing the clear annoyance in those black eyes. He never been able to force anyone anything. That's got to change from now on.
"But you really don't look good, Severus. Why don't you let me take your bag to-"?
"I'm fine", Severus snapped.
He reached for his bag, but Remus didn't let him.
"Give me back my bag", Severus said.
"Once you promise me that you'll visit Madame Pomfrey", said Remus.
Severus frowned, puzzled. "I'm not sick, I just told you - "
"You look like hell, Severus."
It was true. Severus did look horribly in pain, though he know not of where.
Severus bit his lip, unable to retort. He knew the boy wouldn't want to be with him and even less so with Madame Pomfrey, as he found out during the past few weeks spending near him. But Remus began to deeply worry about the boy's well-being. No one told him what is wrong with the boy, but he was definitely sick and someone who has been sick for this long means there something seriously wrong with him.
Severus straightened himself, "bring the bag later." And with that, he tried to leave. Remus wasn't about to let go, for he was determined to have him checked by the matron. He grabbed Severus by his wrist.
"Then, we are going to see Madame Pomfrey", said Remus.
"You keep denying but you do look awful. You are paler than usual, and you've been sweating", he continued, "you really need some help and let me -"
"I believe he says no."
But his attempt was stopped by Regulus Black.
The two startled at the unexpected appearance.
The younger Slytherin walked up to them and took Severus' arm, tugging him towards himself. Severus frowned, puzzled.
"You shouldn't push people like that, Lupin. Where are your manners?" Regulus drawled.
Remus furrowed his brows slightly but quickly smoothed out his face.
"I don't believe this is any of your business, Black", Remus retorted.
He was startled by Sirius' little brother intrusion but then a recollection emerged, making him more tense. Remus didn't know what was between this two, but it was clear from the past knowledge that the Slytherin boy was not appreciative of the younger Black's closeness.
He tightened his grip. "Come, we should go", he said, staring straight at the face resembled someone he knew.
Severus looked up between the two boys holding him, nonplussed. That ticked Remus. But just when he was about to prompt him, a familiar voice intervened.
"What's going on?"
They turned around to see the boy approaching them.
"Sirius!"
"..."
Sirius was covered in mud and dirt, holding his broomstick. He stared at them and quirked an eyebrow as he found the odd variable there.
"Regulus?" He muttered, surprised.
Remus knew his mate hadn't been seeing his brother so often, ever since he got out of his house. In fact, he hadn't been speaking with the younger Slytherin even before that. Remus remembered when Sirius told everyone that Regulus finally crossed a line. He can recall the look on his face when he told them.
Sirius then turned his gaze to Severus and the hands holding him tightly. Sensing the tension built up in the air, he frowned.
"What's going on?" he repeated.
Severus bit his lip, jerking away to detangle himself from the grip.
"Ask them", said Severus, rubbing where they held him.
Sirius looked at his brother, who was sending a cold, impassive stare. Remus could see the hurt quickly hidden in those grey eyes and tried to suppress sympathy when he turned to him. Remus cleared his throat, trying to compose himself.
"I was just telling Severus that he should visit the hospital wing. He seemed unwell all day. But the, Regulus suddenly stopped us", he explained.
The younger Slytherin snorted, "why don't you recount the story properly? He clearly indicated he doesn't want to. You were forcing him, and I merely extended a helping hand."
Remus snapped, "I wasn't forcing him, he's really sick and I was worried", he turned to Severus, "and you won't even let me help you. After all that happened to you, I was-"
Sirius cleared his throat, stopping Remus. He turned to his mate, frowning.
"I see what happen," said Sirius.
He appeared apprehensive, for whatever reason Remus did not know. Not for the first time, Remus felt disappointment at his friend's uncharacteristic passiveness. Or unwillingness, he feared. Unwillingness to help the poor boy despite his claim.
But he seemed so sincere. Remus saw it in his eyes. The series of his behaviors, however, made him doubt what he saw.
Sirius walked up to Severus, searching his face.
"You alright?" He asked.
Severus rolled his eyes, "I feel fantastic".
Sirius smiled, "have you eaten?"
"He has not", Regulus replied.
Severus and Sirius turned their heads to see the younger Slytherin, taken aback. Remus clenched his jaw, holding back his reapproval.
Sirius nodded, "well, then you should have something."
"Yes, he should", said Regulus.
He held out his hand, gesturing the Slytherin table. Remus all but stop him from going. He didn't know why, but he felt protective against this boy. Regulus Black, alleged Death Eater, was not good for Severus; he can tell.
When Severus did not respond, he took the older Slytherin's hand and led him to the table. Remus looked at his friend, who appeared disconcerted as much as he was.
….
Severus returned to the nursery with emotional exhaustion. He felt like having dinner next to Regulus was the most awkward and uncomfortable thing he ever did.
He started to undress himself. His skin pale as white revealed under the lantern light. Severus noticed the reflection on the mirror and stared at his own body. He has gained some weights which made his figure softer. Protruding bones been covered, though not entirely, his usually slouched shoulders straightened a little.
But the most notable change would be his ever-growing belly. How many months left? Severus counted in his mind.
April is only three months later. After three months later, he'll be having a child. A child of his own.
Suddenly, there was a gasp at the entrance.
Severus jolted, surprised. He whipped his head around to see blushing Sirius Black staring at him, his eyes wide as a saucer.
A redness crept up Severus face as well.
He quickly pulled the clothes up his front, shying away from Black.
Sirius snapped out of his state and looked away.
"Er-, I-I'm sorry, I just-" Sirius stammered.
He cleared his throat and walked up to the chair where he put down Severus's schoolbag and picked up a gown, which he handed it over to Severus.
When the boy covered himself, Sirius turned to him.
Neither spoke, and silence stretched in the most awkward atmosphere. Both felt stupid at their own reaction. They see male nude almost every day, for the love of Merlin. They live in a dormitory full of boys, sharing a shower room. But for some reason, the red tint on each face refuse to subside.
It must be the belly, they both simultaneously thought.
Sirius never seen the boy's naked belly before, and Severus never let him. It's just bizarre thing to happen, a male pregnancy is, and swollen belly on male form is even weirder. That was the reason why they are acting so silly. They convinced themselves.
When the heat in the air finally cooled down, Sirius spoke.
"So, you-"
"Yeah, I'm good. Thanks", Severus cut him off.
"Right", Sirius nodded.
Then the silence fell again as they lost words. For a moment, they just avoided each other's stare.
Severus noticed his clothes sprawled on the floor and flicked his wand. The clothes folded and placed themselves on the drawer.
Sirius blankly stared at that before he opened up.
"So-"
Severus turned to meet his stare.
"what really happened?" Sirius asked.
Severus looked puzzled.
"You know, before, Regulus intervened?" He drawled.
A look of realization appeared on Severus face.
"What made Remus so worried?" A concerned look adorned the handsome face of Sirius Black.
"Back pain", Severus replied.
Sirius quirked his brow.
"I have pain in my back and my feet swell after walking a yard", the Slytherin boy explained.
"Ah", Sirius clicked his tongue as he understood.
"I told you he'll get suspicious", Severus added.
Sirius furrowed his brow in confusion, "of what?"
"Of the current inexplicable situation", Severus stated.
"No one will think you're pregnant", Sirius said.
Severus frowned, "even if Lupin can't reach to that conclusion, he'll still be wondering why I am still sick. And the reasons behind my refusal to visit Madame Pomfrey. You heard him today."
Sirius was silent, unable to counter back. He heaved a sigh, brushing his hair back.
Severus was right. Although he was reluctant to admit it, but Sirius could see that Remus couldn't keep the distance Severus ordered. Sirius guessed it couldn't be helped. Remus was a caring person. He cares sincerely for the people around him. In fact, he's been wondering when he will start asking questions.
"Let me handle him", Sirius said with a heavy sigh.
Severus stared at the Gryffindor brushing his hair back, defeated.
"What are you going to tell him?" Severus asked.
Sirius looked up, "I don't know", he admitted. "I'll think of something."
Severus was silent, carefully watching for boy. The grey eyes still genuine in their concerns. Severus nodded.
"And what about your brother?"
"What about him?" Sirius tilted his head.
"He's... never mind", Severus sighed.
Sirius stepped closer; his hand suddenly came up. Severus flinched, involuntarily. The Gryffindor boy gently touched his lips, tugging the lower out of Severus' bite when he hadn't noticed he was biting.
"You'll be fine. I promise", Sirius said in a soft voice.
Severus looked up the grey eyes questioningly, unable to understand what just happened. Did he just…?
"I'll come back tomorrow", said Sirius.
Severus watched him leave, still dumbfounded.
….
A heavy sigh ripped out of his lung as James stared at the back of his girlfriend disappearing into the girl's dorm. He sighed again. Covering his eyes with his hand, James Potter fell to a couch.
He was miserable.
He was miserable and he felt so lost. A misery has never been something he was used to.
His head started to pound as if invisible hands were squeezing his brain tightly. James pressed his temples with the palm of his hands to ease the pain.
He didn't know what to do. He really can't see what is wrong, for he know nothing about what is going on.
Was Lily getting tired of him? Was that the reason why she kept drifting away from him? He just had yet another row with the redhead about nothing. He was simply telling the girl to be careful with her step when they were entering the hole. She suddenly snapped, out of the blue. He tried to appease her but ended up fighting. Conversation abruptly changed into something he never expected: Severus fucking Snape.
What was it with that git and him that always entangles him and James?
He didn't want to admit, he did not want to face the truth. But he can no longer pretend he can't see it.
Lily was pushing him away.
James cursed, horrified when his eyes starting to burn with tears.
Lily was pushing him away and he did not know why. He supposed Severus fucking Snape has something to do with that. Snape. He was a pain in his arse from the start. A thorn in his flesh that kept on bothering him. The moment he saw him in the train that day, he knew the boy was a trouble.
He was somewhat different than the rest of us. The scrawny boy was dark and morbid. He had something that made him look different.
James didn't know what was different, but he just got the feeling that he did.
And the boy did have something.
He draws people in a way that is neither pleasant nor healthy. People, without themselves being conscious, are drawn to Snape and unable to detach. They become obsessed with him. As he did so.
James could see that he hadn't been bullying the boy purely to gain Lily's attention. He did it because he wanted to. In the fifth year, when he hung Snape upside down and had his friendship with the redhead crushed, James started to see it. He tried to ignore it, but the realization was already dawned to him. It plagued his mind, building up his guilt.
He liked hunting down that boy and giving him a misery, he could give. Snape was an easy bite to take and he just jerk back up like a tumbler whenever he was struck down, spurring him to strike again. It was repulsive. It was gruesome. He treated the boy as if he were a game to him.
When the seventh year started, James stopped himself from relapsing into his old hobby. It wasn't like he made promise to himself. It just happened. He could no longer pretend that he doesn't know.
But then, the boy showed up in his life, entangling himself with the people around him. People who are important to him. First Sirius, then Lily. Now, Remus, too.
Sirius barely be seen since he started to 'court' the Slytherin. He's practically a shadow following him. He even yelled at Lily to defend Snape.
Lily. Lily, Lily, Lily. Lily Evans. The girl of his life. His dream girl. James was not an idiot. He knew Lily has something with the boy. He hoped it will fade as she stays with him. But she spaces out, she's disoriented, she's just simply not there when he's with her.
He feared finding about what occupied her mind.
James stared dumbly at the burning flames in the hearth. Those bright lights reminded him of the girl's red hair. She was a light to him. A light that shines and warms him.
The thought of losing her was like having his heart ripped out him. Losing her to him would shatter him down.
He didn't like it. He didn't like the fact that Severus Snape's messing up what he has. He just wanted that boy to be gone from his life and from the people around him.
….
"Back pain?"
"Yes."
"You?"
"Er- no, not really."
Sirius felt stupid standing in the hospital wing, in front of the matron who scans him up and down like a hawk.
"I was just wondering what I could do for such type of pain without a charm or potion."
Madame Pomfrey raised her eyebrow, getting more and more confused. As far as she knew, Sirius Black was the healthiest boy in the castle. Too healthy, for her liking, as his vigor often leads to disastrous events, involving too much patients for her. There's no way the boy will get back pain.
"Well, if you must know, exercises are great for alleviating pain in your back", she said.
"And?" Sirius asked.
Madame Pomfrey knitted her brows, getting suspicious of his intent. But she could not read any mischief in the marauder's face but a genuine curiosity.
"A massage will help, too", she supplied.
"A massage?"
"Mm hmm."
"Right", the boy nodded.
He looked at the matron and asked, hesitantly, "and how do you-"
"That depends on the pain, but usually, you follow the knotted muscle areas with your palm. Oiling your hands will make things easier", she explained.
Sirius nodded again.
Madame Pomfrey laughed slightly, "what's going on, child? Is there you want to tell me?"
The Gryffindor boy shook his head, "no, Madame. Thank you."
She gave a nod.
Sirius got out of the hospital and headed towards the library. He looked decisive.
….
"A what?"
"A massage will help you with your back and other pain", Sirius repeated.
Severus, however, still looked as if the words couldn't be processed through his mind.
Sirius couldn't blame him, really. It sounded crazy to his own ears. Not that he hate Severus, nor he was reluctant to touch the boy. Well, he was, but not because he hated him. He was… He was careful about touching Severus.
He did not forget why they were here.
He knew Severus wouldn't want him. The boy's been tolerant of him for the time being, but such physical contact would be too much.
But he was determined to help the boy and he knew Severus wouldn't go to the hospital wing for things like back pain. He couldn't, however, let the boy suffer anymore.
"Look, I know you hate me. But you are in pain and I've found out a massage would help pregnant people with pain. It's completely normal…." He trailed, afraid of what would Severus say.
"I promise I would never do anything unscrupulous", Sirius swore.
Severus looked at him with unfathomable face. A reluctance and incredulity, he guessed. However, Severus nodded, eventually, albeit hesitantly.
"Erm… You… You need to take off your clothes", said Sirius.
Severus looked flustered at that, but he reached for his buttons to undo them. He was looking away from him, face flushed. Sirius could feel his own cheeks burn with heat. He glared at the wall, trying not to stare.
When the boy took off his shirt, Sirius gestured him to lie down. Severus complied, laying himself down, sideway. Sirius continued not to stare, until he had no choice but to look at the boy. He barely suppressed gasp at the boy's naked form. He was so white. The entire skin was so pale that he could almost see through. Sirius gulped, not knowing why he was feeling nervous.
He sat down a chair, producing the bottle of oil he had Mimny to prepare. Sirius smeared the oil onto his palm, but his eyes swept through the white expanse of Severus' back, curved quite beautifully.
Sirius mentally kicked himself at the thought.
No. No, no, no, no. No. He will not think of Severus as….
But Sirius couldn't push away the thought that Severus had the sexiest back he ever saw. No women he slept with had such body like Severus. Untouched, pure, beautiful.
He cannot think of him that way, however. Sirius was not allowed to think of Severus in such ... sensual way.
Sirius hurt him in the most despicable way. He should not think of Severus as…. whatever the hell he is thinking right now. It was forbidden to him. Severus was forbidden to him.
When Severus was about to inquire, Sirius gently put his hands on where Severus' neck meets shoulders, clearing his throat. Severus flinched. The Gryffindor boy felt sorry, but he kept his hands there. He firmly hold the knotted muscles and gently squeezed.
He could tell the boy was relaxing, if by little.
Sirius tried to recall what he read from a book and slowly working his way down. Severus felt soft under his palm. He always imagined Severus would be rigid and cold, but he was warm and smooth, almost silky.
"You've gained weight", Sirius said before he could stop.
Sirius realized his fault immediately and tried to explain. Severus' body shuddered slightly. He frowned, worried that he might've hurt the boy's feeling. But when Severus said, "I know", he realized Severus just laughed.
The Gryffindor boy felt stupid. He didn't understand why he felt so awkward around the boy.
Sirius continued his massage as he is circling his hands, working into lower back. He almost flushed when a sigh escaped Severus' lips.
"Mm", Severus moaned, softly, when Sirius worked his hands on the triangular part of Severus' back where buttocks start.
Sirius jerked, involuntarily.
He was flushing madly now; he could tell it. The heat on his face was so vivid, as was on his body. Sirius bit his lip, hard.
The flustered boy desperately tried to remind himself of what he just been thinking a moment ago, but his betraying body wouldn't easily cool down.
Severus was forbidden to him. He don't deserve Severus. Sirius tried to remind himself, repeatedly. It was probably because of the recent abstinence he forced himself to be with Severus. That's why he was acting so recklessly. Severus was not for him.
He owed Severus this. Sirius must oblige to his responsibility to take care of this boy whom he thrust into a mess. A sexual desire had no place in that obligation.