They landed in a heap just outside the bounds of the maze.
Hermione was sure they looked quite odd, two students, a bound runt of a man, a bundle of blankets, a crispy dead snake, and a miniaturized version of the TriWizard Cup, but before she had long to think on that, Dumbles and the rest of the judges came hurrying up to them.
As soon as the adults were close enough, Harry said, "If no one's won yet, you might want to send someone to see if the TriWizard cup is where it's supposed to be, because I think that might be it, shrunk down and turned into a portkey. So don't touch it, in case that wasn't obvious enough."
"That's the —?" began Fudgypie, who'd replaced the hookying Señor Crouchy, before everyone suddenly turned to stare at Mad-Eye, who was standing there looking shifty.
"Mad-Eye…" said Dumbles slowly. "Weren't you the one who volunteered to take the Cup down to the pitch earlier this afternoon?"
"Uh, well, uh, you see…" stammered Mad-Eye, looking guiltier and guiltier by the second.
"Bind him!" roared Madam Maxime, an order readily carried out by Flity.
That all sorted, Dumbles turned back to Harry and Hermione. Pointing at what lay on the ground all around them, he asked, "So what presents have you brought with you from wherever your travels took you?"
"Well, this portkey took us to an old graveyard somewhere," answered Hermione. "That bound man is Wormtail the Worst, aka Peter Pettigrew, aka traitorous rat, aka the guy who betrayed Harry's parents and he's really lucky he didn't suffer the same fate as the blankets. The snake is a snake, long and evil looking, and the blanket's pet, for whatever that's worth. As for the blankets —"
Without warning, except the very slight sideways glance she gave Harry so he could turn away, she flipped over the top of the blankets, exposing the mess of skin, blood, tissue, bones, and brain matter that used to be a hairless and scaly-looking, dark, raw, reddish black crouched human child looking thing with arms and legs that were thin and feeble. Now it looked more like the worst imaginable stew had been left out on a hot summer's day for ten years.
After much retching from all the adults, Hermione continued, "This is what remains of the lord supreme Voldypants, in all his disgusting, beat up, dead glory."
While they'd been talking, someone had apparently collected the other three champions, as they heard Fleur exclaim, "Eugh!", while Krum grunted, "That's disgusting", and Cedric said, "I'm glad I didn't have to face him in a graveyard, I'd probably have died from fright and came back as a sparkly vampire."
But all their ruminations were suddenly cut short, as out of the maze suddenly burst a starkers Ronald Weasley, yelling and screaming. So before he could interrupt the task any more than he already had, Professor McG grabbed him by the ear, and drug him off to the side to give him a thorough spanking before determining his punishment and announcing it to the crowd once things had settled down from Harry and Hermione bringing their prizes back from an eerie graveyard.
Back over with the five champions, Dumbles covered Voldycorpse back over with the blanket, cause don't nobody want to see that, before turning to address Harry, Hermione, Fleur, Krum, and Cedric.
"We are at a bit of a conundrum, fellas," he said. "Mad-Eye over there apparently isn't really Mad-Eye, since he enchanted the cup to transport whoever touched it to a scary place to be killed by a risen Voldypants. And he clearly and obviously intended that to be Harry, since he is Voldypants' worst nightmare thanks to Bug-Eyed Trelawny — more on that never if I can help it. But it does mean that none of you three who were actually in this tournament to win it ever had the opportunity to try to find it like you were supposed to."
He was about to go on when Krum interrupted. "Why don't Harry and Hermione just take the win? They did win according to the rules of 'first person to touch the Cup wins', and I doubt I'm the only one here who's willing to say that they deserve it more than any of us for their killing of that foul thing and arrest of that foul thing — and also for killing Voldypants."
"Hear, hear," chimed in Cedric.
"Zat is an absolutely wonderful idea!" trilled Fleur, leaning over and pecking the Bulgarian Seeker on both cheeks, and the nearest one twice.
"Are you sure?" asked Dumbles. "Everyone went into this tournament believing they couldn't win."
"We are more zan 'appy for ze's two magnificent studs to win!" chirped Fleur, snogging 'Arry and 'Ermione on the lips.
The other two champions nodded their heads fervently, forgoing the kissing their French friend had done with her answer.
"If it's all agreed upon then, I shall proclaim it to the crowds," replied Dumbles.
Turning to face the stands, who'd finally woken back up after watching hedges grow for nearly ninety minutes between when the first contestant had entered the maze (it'd been so long they'd all forgotten who that even was) and when Harry and Hermione had popped into existence with their trinkets, Dumbles shouted, "Everyone! Pay attention to me! McG will talk about Ronald in a second, and he will still be naked, so be patient. Now. Harry and Hermione were transported by a portkey to a far off graveyard, where they killed Voldypants, arrested the long thought dead but clearly not Peter Pettigrew, he of whom Sirius Black was charged without trial of killing, and most importantly, killed that really mean looking snake over there.
"Because of these heroic achievements, and the fact they did, though accidentally and unintentionally and due to that guy over there," — here he pointed at Mad-Eye — "get to the TriWizard Cup first, all involved have agreed that they deserve to win the TriWizard Cup, and collect all the prizes and accolades that go with. Now, before we can all go celebrate with ice cream, we have two more orders of business to attend to. First, is not-Mad-Eye, and second, is the Weasel.
"As for the first, this clearly isn't Mad-Eye, and since due to either great luck or a really convenient plot it has been exactly an hour since he last swigged from his hipflask, he should be changing into his real form at this exact moment. Hagrid, please drag him over here."
Hagrid drug not-Mad-Eye by the ear over to Dumbles, in clear view of everyone. To everyone's not really that great astonishment since Dumbles had just said what was about to happen, they watched as not-Mad-Eye's features morphed into Bartimaeus Crouch junior-like features. For that is in fact who it actually was.
Once he was fully transformed back to his real self, Dumbles asked, "So, Barts…. Care to explain yourself?"
With a defeated sigh, Bartimaeus Junior began his story.
"You see, my dad switched me and my mum out in Azkaban using polyjuice potion right before she was about to die. Then dad Imperiused me for the next however many years. No one knew except for dad and Winky, until Batty Bertha stumbled across the secret one day. So dad put a memory charm on her that made her go cuckoo, and is why she wandered away and got lost last summer.
"Winky persuaded my dad to let me go to the Quidditch World Cup, where I snitched Harry's wand and cast the Dark Mark. After dad returned me home, Wormtail and Master Voldypants came to pay us a visit after having captured and tortured Bertha, freeing me and binding dear old dad. Wormtail and I kidnapped Mad-Eye, who's locked away in the seventh lock of his really nifty trunk, and I took his place teaching here. Then it was my job to make sure Harry got transported to the graveyard, where Master Voldypants would use his blood to become all powerful again, summon his army of Death Eaters to himself, and off Harry, no one any the wiser — except for the minor fact that Harry Potter would have clearly disappeared under highly suspicious circumstances, and Master Voldypants is always your first assumption when anything goes wrong. So while the plan supposedly allowed Master Voldypants to return without anyone knowing about it, that part was honestly kind of bound to fail no matter what happened. Not that I was about to tell Master that.
"But unfortunately for me and Master, Hermione over there got carried away too, and they're both far smarter than Master Voldypants apparently expected, as they clearly shot first and asked questions later like any smart wizard would do in a highly suspicious place that they knew they shouldn't be in where they had nonlethal weapons at hand. After that, you'll have to ask them what exactly happened in the graveyard, but clearly they won and Wormtail, Master, and Nagini lost. Now if you'll allow me, I'll just pop myself back to my cell in Azkaban to await my trial that I'll obviously be convicted at since I'm very, very guilty."
Dumbles gave a short nod to Flity, and the short charms teacher and Bartimaeus strolled out of sight towards the Hogwarts gates so they could apparate to Azkaban and get Bartimaeus settled into his cell for the night.
Turning back to the crowd, Dumbles said, "Now that that's all taken care of, it's time for the part you've all been waiting for, a naked, yet again, Ronald Bilius Weasley."
Professor McG stepped out from the shadows dragging a naked Weasel with her, who was subtly trying to jerk himself off, the subtle part of which was failing miserably since he was completely naked and visible to everyone.
"According to Bilius here," began McG dressing the crowds, "he ran across one of Hagrid's blast-ended skrewts in there which burned all his clothes off. But that sounds like his problem to me, since he was the one who entered the maze illegally in the first place. Now, normally, I would give him detentions or some such shite, and I might still for next year, but his mum has convinced me that she has a suitable punishment for him back up at the castle that you will all enjoy, and also for her daughter Ginny for all her sexual proclivities in the Great Hall these past couple months. So make sure when Dumbles dismisses you, you all head up to the Great Hall for ice cream and to see the show Matriarch W has planned for you."
And with that she turned and headed towards the castle, dragging Ronald along with her.
With nothing more to be said, Dumbles quickly dismissed the crowds, and everyone stampeded up to the Great Hall.