Here is my next chapter. I apologize for anyone who was hoping for some hayride hi-jinks. I originally had the ride in the story, but found it just wouldn't work. So this chapter opens after the group has arrived at the river. Special thanks to my reviewers Kathy, OldGirl-NoraArlani, Shazza19 and particularly shadowhuntingdauntlessdemigod whose name I butchered in my last acknowledgements.
The bend in the Kemp River was formed by a flat outcropping of natural rock. Tucked behind that rock was a sandy bank that had formed over the millennia. It was a tranquil, secluded place, lined with shady trees and full of bird song. At some point in the past, a bridge across the river had been built nearby. Once it may have transported horse drawn traffic, but now it was only accessible by foot and for as long as anyone present could remember, it had been nothing more than a favourite spot for fishing during the day and romantic trysts once the sun went down.
Although generations of visitors had changed this spot, it was only the locals who knew about it, so most of the changes were improvements. There were some fallen logs that everyone used as chairs, scrubbed grey and smooth from generations of jeans and swimsuits. Someone had augmented the natural sand with a load or two for the kids to play in. Although there were dog paw prints, and evidence of an occasional camp fire, the people who visited tended to clean up after themselves. Even the teenagers who came here to hang out in the long summer evenings, usually left only their initials carved into the footings of the bridge, sometimes not far from where their parents had done the same a generation earlier.
Sam inhaled a deep breath and let the sun shine on his face. It wasn't very often that he and Dean had a chance to go fishing. It had been years maybe. Although, to be honest, Dean did most of the fishing, it wasn't really Sam's thing. Instead, when they did get the chance, he'd pretend to read a book while secretly enjoying the unusual sight of his older brother relaxed and peaceful. Dean was so seldom at peace, so whenever he could indulge him, Sam would. He'd pass Dean the occasional beer and keep his conversation to a minimum, content with an amicable silence.
There was no silence now with so many people on the riverbank. The little kids had regretfully said goodbye to the horses and now were playing in the sand. Most of the mothers had planted themselves in folding chairs at the edge of the tree line to watch and talk. The older kids and most of the dads had moved out onto the rocks with fishing rods. Dean and Declan had excused themselves and taken rods and some bait to find a way up onto the bridge. Jacob had chosen to ride back with Mrs. Jennings, but promised them at least two hours before the wagon would come back to pick up the family. Sam had planned to snag a chair or a log and watch Jonathan play with his cousins, but Fiona had tugged his arm during the wagon ride over and asked him to join her.
Now, she handed him two chairs and pointed to a sunny area a little removed from the rest of the family.
"Here will do, Sam. That way we can still see Johnny." Sam unfolded the chairs and put them down, trying to find a somewhat level spot. Fiona took one and gestured towards the other. "Please..sit, I just wanted to have a little chat, and the house is so chaotic with everyone there." He did as he told, even as he felt a flutter of apprehension in his stomach. The chair was far too low for him, so he ended up sticking his legs out and crossing them at the ankle. Fiona copied his pose and waved at their son who had paused to look for his mother. With a smile, the little guy went back to determinedly filling a pail with sand.
"So, uh, what did you want to talk about Fiona?" Was she going to ask him to leave? To stay away from Jonathan? He could feel his shirt cling to his sweat-damp back. Fiona twisted the corner of her cotton blouse in her fingers.
"Actually, I just wondered about you, Sam. We're in this - um, unusual situation together, and you've met most of my crazy family." she paused to chuckle, "Heck, by now you've probably seen my baby pictures. I'm just, um, just embarrassed to admit that I don't know anything about you and your life." She smiled at him and it was his turn to fidget. It made sense that she'd want to know something about him. Of course his life was made up of things he generally couldn't or didn't want to talk about. Still, he twitched her his own small smile.
"Your family's great. Everyone has been so nice, you're really lucky to have them." He knew he was avoiding the question, but where could he possibly start?
"I am lucky," she said, the fondness in her voice evident, but she was not to be deterred. "So, what about you? Tell me about your family?" He cleared his throat, at least that was relatively easy to answer.
"Well,there's not much to tell. It's really just Dean and me." That was the truth, well except for Cas who was like a brother to them both.
"What about your parents?" Fiona turned to give him her full attention, but he avoided her gaze and kept his eyes on Jonathan and the group of playing children.
"My Mom died when I was a baby, so I never really knew her." Thinking about Mom always made him wistful, but he thought of her often and fondly.
"I'm sorry, Sam." Fiona patted his arm. When he didn't continue on his own she prompted. "So your Dad raised you and Dean by himself?" Sam suppressed a sigh. John Winchester was a complicated topic. For a long time Sam had been angry with Dad, for how he had stolen Dean's childhood, for the way he treated his sons like soldiers, for all the fear and neglect and disappointment that littered his younger years. But now he had a lot more perspective. His father had struggled a lot as a parent, but he had loved them intensely. Looking over at Johnny, he found himself with a new compassion for Dad and the impossible choices he'd had to make.
"Yeah." Sam swallowed his emotions, his eyes still on his son. "We moved around a lot for Dad's work. He was gone a lot and so Dean took care of me when I was little."
"Ah," Fiona said knowingly. "That explains why you two are so close." She twisted to look over her shoulder downriver to where Dean and Declan were casting their lines off the side of the bridge. "I thought my brothers were overprotective, but he barely lets you out of his sight." Sam had to nod, but she had no idea what he owed his brother.
"We watch out for each other," Sam stated simply. After everything they'd been through recently, the overprotective part went both ways. Sam had done the unthinkable to save Dean. At the time it had seemed like the right thing to do, the only thing to do. But maybe by releasing the Darkness, he had saved his brother at the expense of the rest of the world, including Fiona, Jonathan and the rest of her family. That thought had him shifting restlessly in his seat. When they had called him this morning, Cas hadn't found anything new on Amara or Metatron and Sam felt guilty that they were hanging out here instead of working on finding a solution to either one of those problems. He had more than just Dean, Cas and their few friends to care about now.
"So, where is your Dad?" Her question was gentle as if she already knew the answer.
"He, uh passed away. About 9 years ago." Sometimes, if he closed his eyes, he could still see that hospital room, Dad sprawled, unmoving on the floor. Guilt welled up as it always did. The last thing he'd done before Dad died was to try and pick a fight with the man. It was one of his many regrets when it came to his relationship with his father. He'd give a lot to have a chance to make it right, but it was something he'd had to learn to live with.
Sam became aware of the silence that stretched awkwardly between him and Fiona. Clearing his throat again he forced his thoughts back to the present. "So, uh, what else did you want to know?" Obviously grateful for a way back into the conversation, Fiona took the opening.
"Oh, um...well what do you do for a living?" Sam had this one down, it was a question he'd been dodging most of his adult life.
"Dean and I inherited the family business from our Dad. We kind of specialize in unusual pest control. You know Fiona, I never asked what you do?" Turning the question back on the woman seemed unkind, but it was a time tested strategy in diversion.
"Oh, I manage a bookstore. I started there in high school and just never really left. When I got pregnant with Johnny, I dropped out of college and started working there full time. My brothers weren't very happy, but it was the right choice at the time. When Jonathan gets a little bit older, I might go back and finish my degree, but for now I love the store."
"What were you studying?" Sam could relate. For a long time he had imagined that he would go back to school and at least finish his undergraduate degree. That dream was long dead, but he had found peace with that. Somehow over the years, he grew to love his life. Hunting was something he was good at, something that helped people. Now that he had Dean back, he couldn't imagine giving it up. At least until yesterday when he met his son; now he wasn't so sure.
"Well my plan was to get a degree in English literature, then get my Masters and become a librarian. But being at the bookstore is kind of the next best thing, you know? The hours are flexible so I have lots of time for Johnny, and I get to read all the new releases before everyone else." She sounded content, and Sam was happy for her.
"What about you? Did you go to college?," she asked.
"For three years, I did. Yeah, I was working towards becoming a lawyer, but…," he shrugged. "My family needed me and then life went in another direction." It felt disrespectful to Jessica's memory to skip over her death, but he it didn't seem like the time to share her memory. They both fell quiet for a while, watching the children play and just enjoying the sunshine. Fiona was shooting glances at him, but he pretended not to notice. She obviously had more on her mind, but he could be patient. Straightening in her chair, Fiona spoke again.
"So, um, I don't mean to pry, but do you have a uh, a girlfriend or a...wife or someone." Her cheeks were pink as she determinedly scratched at a non-existent mark on her shorts. Against his will, Sam's thoughts flitted away from Jessica towards his most recent hook-up with that waitress, Piper and he felt his own face flush a bit.
"No, no one like that," he answered. He'd be lying if he hadn't thought about it occasionally, but for now he was definitely single.
"I'm not…. It's not like I'm….I only ask because I wondered if you had someone waiting for you back in Kansas." She was obviously flustered and Sam found himself resisting the urge to tease her.
"It's okay, I get it. No, Dean and I, our work takes us all over the country. Not really conducive to a long term relationship." How did Dean describe it? They were "batting zero" in domestic life. All Fiona's embarrassment dropped away and after a few moments she turned to him, a serious expression on her face.
"Sam, look, I'm not trying to pin you down to anything, but what does that mean for Jonathan? I know you only found out about him yesterday, but I'd like to know what part you're planning to play in his life." She looked away and in a small voice added "if any."
Fiona deserved an answer, but honestly Sam wasn't sure what words he could use to describe his tangled feelings. Of course he wanted to see his son grow up. The little boy was amazing and the idea of being his Dad, teaching him, caring for him, protecting him was an honour both thrilling and terrifying. He'd only known Johnny for a short time, but he already irrevocably loved the kid more than he could possibly have imagined. If he was a regular guy, he would dedicate the rest of his life to being the best father possible.
But he wasn't a regular guy. Regular guys didn't fight monsters, regular guys weren't responsible for starting the apocalypse, regular guys hadn't spent a couple of centuries in Hell. Sam knew he was damaged and screwed up. Knew that if he ever allowed himself to think about all the trauma he'd lived through, that he would crack into a million pieces. What could he teach his son except for hunting? How could he care for and protect Jonathan when he was so messed up himself? He wasn't worthy to be the little guy's Dad. He opened and closed his mouth a few times as he grappled with what to say. Instead, Fiona stopped him with a shake of her head and a raised hand.
"I don't need an answer right now. I understand that you have a life and that finding out about Johnny was...unexpected." It was her turn to sigh. "If you want to stay - become part of his life full-time, then great! Colin and Sharron have offered you and Dean a place to stay, and we can figure the rest out. If you want to be a part time father, we need to set some ground rules, but we can make that work too. But, if you're planning to disappear on us…." she let the sentence trail away. "I just don't want him to get hurt. So think about it, Sam. Really think about it, and let me know what you decide." Pushing to her feet, she gave him a sad smile before heading over to where the kids were playing.
Sam sat there, feeling like a fool and a fraud. He didn't have an answer to give her, It wasn't as simple as choosing Jonathan. He glanced over his shoulder towards the bridge, instinctively seeking out Dean as he always had when he didn't know what to do. It wasn't a simple decision in any way, and one that he couldn't make just yet.