Chapter Twenty
Tara walked through the doors of the OB/GYN unit at the hospital, rubbing her nose as that sterile hospital smell infiltrated it.
She gave her name at the desk and sat in the waiting room while she waited to be called, trying to keep her eyes down.
She didn't like the memories this place elicited.
She didn't like to remember, but it overcame her sometimes.
Like right now, when the bulb was flickering overhead just like it was on the night her babies were pulled from her body.
Every part of her body would grow tense and then the memories would flood; feeling like they were coming from nowhere even though she'd spent whole minutes concentrating so hard on trying to ignore them.
They swirled in a flash of fluorescent lights with strangers screaming and her body falling out of her from the inside.
She could feel it now; the pressure between her legs of everything bottoming out no matter how hard she squeezed them together.
"Mrs. Rosenberg-Maclay? Mrs. Rosen—"
Tara recognized her name being called but she could only snap out of it long enough to stand.
"I-I need to use the bathroom."
"The doctor—" the nurse called after her but Tara was gone, moving too fast to be comfortable, into the restroom.
She pressed her back behind the door and took in big gulping breaths just to get the air into her desperate lungs. Tears pricked her eyes and one solitary soldier fell down her cheek. She took in a long breath just to steady herself and quickly wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Slowly pushing herself away from the door, she moved over to the sink to use a paper towel to blot her eyes. She felt a tugging between her thighs and a painful stretch across her abdomen and just held onto the sink for a moment to allow her body to forgive her for her swift movement.
She felt like she'd been in there for an hour as she nervously walked back to the waiting area but the nurse had only a kind smile for her.
"The doctor is ready to see you. Room 12A. You can go right in."
Tara nodded gratefully and gently but hastily made her way down to room 12A, knocking politely and waiting for a 'come in' until she entered.
"Tara," Dr. Beaver greeted warmly, extending her hand to shake, "How are you doing?"
Tara shook the doctor's hand, then reached across her own body to hold her opposite arm nervously.
"I'm fine," she said quietly.
"How are the twins?" Dr. Beaver asked as she indicated for Tara to take a seat and did the same too.
Tara just nodded.
"They're okay too."
Dr. Beaver leaned forward invitingly.
"What about you? How are you feeling?"
Tara swallowed.
"I-I don't mean to be rude but I need to get back to the NICU."
Dr. Beaver gave a soft smile and an understanding nod.
"Let's check that incision," she said, donning gloves as she stood and brought Tara over to the examination table, "No excess pain or swelling?"
Tara settled herself and closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to see her wound.
"N-no."
Dr. Beaver peeled the bandage away and gently palpated the area.
"Any trouble urinating?" she asked, "Bleeding?"
Tara shook her head and Dr. Beaver looked at her sympathetically.
"Discharge is normal, or the sudden urge to go. It should settle, don't worry."
Tara looked lost, then blushed as she realized why the doctor was saying that.
"S-Sorry I kept you waiting."
"It's not a problem," Dr. Beaver waved a hand and offered another kind smile, "I'm going to take these staples out, they look like they're ready to pop. Well done at keeping the area clean."
Tara paused and blinked.
"M-My wife," she said softly, "She's been doing it."
She looked down.
"I forget to."
Dr. Beaver gathered her equipment and nodded.
"It's a lot to have gone through what you went through. It's great to have such a good support system."
Tara just swallowed silently. The doctor prepared her for when she would start to pull the staples, but it wasn't that bad. She found the brief flit of pain a welcome distraction from that new flickering light and seriously, could this hospital not afford a single working bulb?
She closed her eyes again.
She hated snapping like that, even in her own mind, but her impulse control on reining it in had dialed back to zero.
Before she knew it, she had a smaller bandage on and the doctor was washing her hands.
"You're healing great, Tara. You can follow up with your regular OB/GYN in about six weeks as long as no issues crop up between now and then," she said, flicking the excess water off her hands into the sink, "We'll be in another new year by then. Funny to think about. They just keep flying in."
Tara got herself into a sitting position.
"Thank you, Dr. Beaver," she said as she stood and tidied herself up again quickly, eager to get back upstairs.
Dr. Beaver just smiled.
"And thank you for being the only patient to never once laugh at my name."
Tara forced a smile and Dr. Beaver looked sympathetic.
"Keep well, okay?" she said sincerely and nodded toward the door, "Go see your babies."
Tara repeated her thanks and quickly made her way out of the unit and back up to the NICU, where Willow was sitting on a chair between the incubators, with a hand stretched into each.
She stood up quickly when she saw Tara coming, offering her the chair.
"What happened? Is everything okay?"
"Everything is fine," Tara replied quietly, "She took the staples out."
"Oh, that's great," Willow smiled, but it started to turn downward, "I wish you'd let me come with you. Hold your hand."
Tara shook her head.
"Someone had to be here with them."
Willow opened her mouth.
"Someone always—"
"Just…please, Willow," Tara said, exasperated, "Can you move so I can put my hands in please?"
Willow acquiesced and silently stood aside with a frown.
It was becoming a feature she felt on her face far too often.
Willow weaved her way through the NICU and was relieved to see none of the doctors were gathered around Emily's incubator yet.
"Sorry, I'm late. Work was in a bind, needed me to talk the temp through something. Is everything okay?"
"Just waiting," Tara said quietly from where she was standing over Emily with a hand in to touch her.
"Phew," Willow replied and looked over at Lily, who was sleeping in her newly converted bassinet.
It was a recent adjustment from the incubator, just the day before, and Willow was still fascinated by how freely she could touch and watch Lily move. Every wriggle was a revelation.
Lily was sleeping but Willow couldn't help touching her in her new favorite way — a splayed hand right over her middle. Lily twitched at the contact and though Willow felt a little guilty when she saw her little eyes opening, she also kinda didn't.
"Hey, Lil. Hi, panda bear," Willow gushed, very gently shaking her hand in a light tickle.
Despite just waking up, Lily seemed to enjoy her Momma's playing and let out a little gurgle that could be interpreted as a laugh. It wasn't actually one, of course, she was still much too little, but it felt like one to Willow's ears and heart.
"Tara, did you see her giggle?"
Tara looked over from the other incubator. Her eyes were heavy and her hair was a mess but she was there for her girls and that was all that mattered.
"Are you giggling, Lily?"
Lily's gaze fell away and she fell back asleep pretty quickly. Willow took her hand away and looked over at Tara, noting the hunch of her back as she looked over Emily.
"Do you need to sit honey?" she asked softly.
Tara shook her head.
"No, I want to be here in case she needs me."
Willow opened her mouth but closed it again. Arguing was pointless.
Instead, she stood behind her wife in the hopes Tara might lean back against her instead.
Soon after, a doctor and two nurses approached and surrounded Emily's incubator. There were little pleasantries — not that they were unpleasant but they were here with a job to do. Genevieve was one of the nurses and did smile and say hello, which Willow returned and Tara did her best to acknowledge.
The top was lifted from Emily's incubator and Willow was struck by how different it was to look in at her than it was at Lily.
Emily was quite still and her breathing so obviously mechanically controlled. She still looked tiny in her little diaper and her skin was missing the flush of pink of her sister's that made her seem so much more alive.
"Hey, koala bear," Willow said softly, swallowing deeply.
Tara must have been having similar negative thoughts to Willow as Willow suddenly felt the weight of her wife's body as Tara leaned back against her. Willow put her hands on Tara's upper arms and held them there.
The doctor asked both nurses multiple questions to make sure all of the checks had been performed. Finally, when she was satisfied, she looked up at Willow and Tara.
"We're going to try and extubate her now so we can transfer her to the C-PAP machine. This will mean she's breathing more on her own but still with assistance. This may not be successful and if so, we will have to put her back on the ventilator."
Willow's hands squeezed Tara's upper arm and she exhaled with a nod and Tara nodded quickly too that she understood.
They adjusted the incubator to complete flatness and gently moved Emily's little head so it was angled upward. The tape holding the tube in her throat was removed and Tara winced as it peeled away from her baby's thin, delicate skin.
The tube was pulled and the area around Emily's mouth was suctioned and then a plastic mask was placed over her to keep her breathing while the C-PAP was moved into place. It was more plastic tubes, but situated over her mouth and not down her little throat.
"C'mon, Em," Willow whispered, her foot fidgeting nervously.
It felt like a long time for them to get everything in place but in reality, it wasn't. Finally, they heard the beeping of Emily's heart and respiratory rate continue in a steady rhythm. They watched Emily's chest rise while also witnessing her little tongue moving around her mouth.
"Take a few seconds with her," Genevieve advised while she helped the other nurse check Emily over from the other side.
Tara quickly stepped forward and as soon as she touched Emily's arm, her little eyes tried their best to open. Tara laughed quietly, hiding a cry.
"Hey, baby girl."
"Hey sweetheart," Willow said from right behind her, reaching it to stroke Emily's leg where she really only got touched during diaper changes because it wasn't easy to reach down there from the armhole in the incubator without the fear of dislodging one of her many wires, "It's Momma and Mommy."
It was just seconds but it was precious.
The doctor removed her gloves.
"The procedure was successful. We'll continue to monitor her. If her stats remain steady for the next 24-48 hours it will be an excellent sign, but do be prepared that sometimes we have to return the infants to ventilation."
Tara gulped and Willow nodded this time.
"She can do it. I know she can," she said resolutely.
Tara looked at Willow with tears filling her eyes and then back at Emily.
"That's a mini-resolve face if ever I saw one."
That broke Willow and she looked away to bury her face in her hands.
Emily was settled back into her incubator and Tara fell back into a chair, her legs almost completely going from under her.
Willow swiped at her eyes but no other parents looked at her strangely. They were all in the exact same position. Everyone's sleeves were wet with tears as their own babies progressed and regressed.
She put her arm back into the incubator as she was accustomed.
"You got this koala bear," she whispered with a sniffle.
Emily's eyes were still struggling to stay open and Willow looked right into them until they finally closed for good and her fast little heartbeat settled into a somewhat slower, restful one.
"Thank you," she said to the nurses and doctor who were finishing writing up what they needed to.
"Thank you," Tara echoed with a deep sigh.
They were both watching the machines like a hawk, ensuring Emily's respiration rate stayed where it needed to.
They stayed in that tense state, not even realizing they were doing it. Hyper-vigilance had become a natural state of being.
"It's time for Lily to have a feed," Genevieve approached after giving them some time to recover from the trauma of watching your baby go through any kind of procedure.
Willow glanced over to Tara. She would have loved to hold Lily for that but she thought she ought to be gracious.
"Do you want to give her the bottle?"
"I know it's been a big day but do you want to try breastfeeding again?" Genevieve suggested gently, "I think she's up for it. Her sucking reflex has really developed and she's been taking the bottle without issue."
"Of course I'll try," Tara replied, her chest rising fast like Emily's.
She loosened her shirt so Lily could be placed on her chest. Willow quickly wrapped the blanket around them like she'd learned to when it had fallen off one day and Tara had started screaming in a panic that Lily would lose heat.
Tara settled Lily, nestled at her breast. She looked down at her little girl growing stronger and stronger each day and desperately hoped her body wouldn't fail her tiny baby again.
She expressed some milk with her fingers to encourage Lily and gently rubbed it on her lips. Lily tried to wrap her lips around the tip of Tara's finger, so Tara quickly guided her nipple there instead. She'd done this so many times that she had the rhythm down and usually at this point Lily would essentially kiss Tara's nipple several times before getting too tired.
This time, though, Tara felt the oddest suctioning sensation and then her milk flowing, but not to a tight, painful end as she'd gotten used to when waiting to pump.
Her eyes widened and she looked up between Willow and Genevieve.
"I-I think she's doing it."
"She is?!" Willow practically squealed and came to look over Tara's shoulder, "Good girl!"
"Don't distract her," Tara chastised, terrified Lily would suddenly pop off and this wonderful rush would end.
"Sorry," Willow whispered and stayed with her chin perched on Tara's shoulder.
Genevieve ensured Lily was latching correctly and helped adjust her position slightly so she was most comfortable.
Both Willow and Tara couldn't keep their gaze off Lily's still weak but spirited eyes jumping between them as she fed from the body that bore her for the very first time.
Where their hearts had been pounding with dread just minutes before, now it was fluttering with all kinds of excitement.
Such was the capricious adventure of life in the NICU.
They took joy where they could get it.
And this moment had it in abundance.
Tara stepped into an elevator and watched the doors close.
When nothing happened, she realized she needed to press the button for her floor but she couldn't for the life of her remember where she was going. She looked down and around for guidance and was immediately alarmed to see her belly extended out past her feet.
And it kept going.
As her belly got larger and larger, the space between the walls started to get smaller and smaller. Her arms cradled her stomach and she arched her body to protect it as much as she could.
"Let me out! Let me out!" she screamed, but no sound came.
She crouched down on her knees, hunched over into a ball, desperately crying until she found herself somersaulting and suddenly she was flat on her back with just a flickering, fluorescent light overhead.
She tried to lift her head to look around but she couldn't. She was pinned in place by some invisible force. She could hear, though.
Cries.
Weak, little cries that barely rose enough to carry through the air, but Tara's ear was tuned to them.
Little cries that needed her, that called to her but no matter what she did, she couldn't get to them. She screamed again, but this time sound did come out. She screamed so loud she smashed the glass in the mirror she was suddenly standing in front of.
Through the broken shards, she saw a reflection of herself in a shimmering, pink top sitting squarely on her shoulders. The pink version of her started to speak.
"You think you know…what's to come…what you are. You haven't even begun."
The pieces of glass fell away and Tara was looking through the window of a vast wasteland; desert for miles. She took a step forward and a bald man with glasses stepped in from the side, holding up two slices of cheese. He grinned and shook the cheese before retreating again.
Tara stepped onto the sand and looked around for something in the nothingness.
Finally, her eyes caught something in the abyss.
She saw two graves.
A panda hat sitting on one and a koala on the other.
Before she could even gasp, she woke up in the middle of doing just that, her heart hammering and her brow sweaty.
Her insides were churning and only the thought of her legs going out from under her if she tried to move stopped her from running to throw up.
She glanced over at Willow, who was drooling a little but it didn't make Tara smile like it usually did.
She laid back down and brought her pillow over her head to drown out the deafening silence.
Tara sat beneath an old table that JJ had once used for a lemonade stand and cried into her knees.
The basement was dark and cold — she hadn't been down there in so long that she hadn't known the bulb had blown and she also suspected there was a draught coming in from a leaky window.
These were real thoughts, about home improvement, she had as she cried because she didn't even know what she was crying about.
She had plenty to cry about, of course, with her two tiniest children miles away from her being cared for by people other than her just because her body couldn't keep them safe for as long as it should have.
But she didn't even think she was crying about that anymore. The urge would just hit her like a punch to the gut that made her eyes water uncontrollably.
She'd come to like this spot as her crying getaway; the basement was far away that no one could hear her and this little table stopped her from getting too out of control. If she was getting too worked up, she would bang her head and remind herself she needed to get back into control.
As she sniffled from the nose resting between her knees, she suddenly heard the sound of a door opening and then saw a stream of light from above.
"Tara? Are you down there?"
Tara shook her head quickly and swiped at her cheeks.
"Coming!"
She twisted herself out from under the table and continued to rub her cheeks with her sleeves. With three quick breaths, she came up the stairs. Willow put a hand on her shoulder and Tara bristled but hid it well.
"What were you doing in the basement?" Willow asked with an amused grin.
"L-looking for, um," she cleared her throat, "Extra bottles."
"Oh," Willow said in reply, "Did you find them?"
"No," Tara replied quietly, "I-I may have to go back down."
"We can just buy some more, don't worry about it," Willow smiled, "Everyone has been in touch asking if they can bring dinner."
Tara frowned.
"Dinner?"
"Turkey and stuff, I guess but they're obviously not going to pull it off as well as you," Willow replied sweetly, "They're getting together, but I told them we couldn't this year, of course."
"Right, for Thanksgiving," Tara nodded as if she'd actually remembered the date, "Oh, what a shame. I-It would have been great to see everyone."
She wondered if her lie sounded as obvious in real life as it did in her head but Willow just nodded.
"Well, I was thinking of dropping Robbie over instead of my Dad taking her. Have a day with her cousins, give them some peace. They've babysat every day this week. I know they say they don't mind but…"
Tara swallowed. She felt so guilty about wanting to be in the NICU all of the time and so guilty when she wasn't there.
Everywhere she turned she was smacked with guilt, guilt, and more guilt.
"What about JJ?"
"He's coming to the NICU, remember?" Willow said with an arched eyebrow, "I met with the sibling coordinator and she said Robyn was too little to come in but JJ could visit if I thought it was appropriate…which I did? We talked about this."
Willow reached out to Tara's arm again.
"Maybe you should take a day at home to res—"
"No," Tara gasped and her whole body tensed for a moment, "I-I just didn't sleep very well last night. I'll get some tea and I'll be fine."
Willow nodded understandingly.
"Yeah, you look a little tired. I guess this isn't what either of us thought maternity leave would be like," she said with a sad smile that she tried to turn hopeful, "I hope you sleep better tonight. Is it pain?"
Tara shook her head and averted her gaze.
"Weird dreams."
"Well, at least you didn't dream about that guy with the cheese," Willow chuckled as she walked away, "I don't know where the hell that came from."
Tara followed Willow with a frown.
"Hey kiddos, let's get ready," Willow called out and walked into the living room where JJ was hovering over Robyn drawing a picture, "What are you drawing there, Robbie?"
In place of a handprint turkey, there was a crudely drawn heart with lots of vaguely-people-shaped squiggles. Robyn pointed at every one of them proudly.
"Das Em'lee an' das Lil-lee an' Mom-mah an' Mom-mee an' Jay-Jay an' Wobbie! An' Woofy!"
"This Thanksgiving they're in our hearts," JJ explained the origins of the piece, "But next Thanksgiving they'll be right here with us."
"That's exactly right, buddy," Willow smiled and reached over to ruffle his hair. "Are you looking forward to today?"
JJ's eyes lit up.
"Do I really get to come in and touch them and say hello?"
Willow nodded and Robyn started to frown, feeling left out.
"Me say 'lo!"
"We'll do a video chat with you okay, Robbie?" Willow said in a soft tone.
"Wing wing," Robyn agreed happily and bounced on her butt.
"Come on Robs, let's go pee-pee before we leave," Willow said encouragingly and held out her hand.
Robyn crawled over and Willow tried to lift her into a standing position.
"You know how to walk, come on."
Robyn tucked her feet back in behind her and giggled as Willow was forced to swing her forward.
A little while later they were driving to Xander and Anya's house in the minivan. Tara, in the passenger seat for the foreseeable future, had gotten quite used to their upgraded wheels and the space it provided but now all she did was desperately try not to catch sight of the two empty car seats in the second row.
"We need to stop and get a pie or something," she said as she gazed out the window.
Willow looked over with a wry smile.
"You honestly think there's one left on the shelves anywhere in the greater Buffalo area? In the greater NEW YORK area?!"
"Me make mud pie, Mom-mee!" Robyn offered brightly from the back.
Tara looked over her shoulder and smiled softly at Robyn's eager grin.
"Thank you, sweetheart."
"Just don't put it on the BBQ this time," Willow added pointedly, then added on quietly, "Even if it was funny to watch Xander bite into a mud burger."
They arrived at the Harris household and Willow stepped out first to bring Robyn inside. Tara looked around at JJ, who seemed to be looking a bit longingly outside the window.
"Do you want to go in and have Thanksgiving with your cousins? It's okay if you do."
JJ turned his gaze back on Tara.
"No, I want to meet the babies, Mom."
Tara swallowed a small lump and with it, her own sense of failure. She reached back to run her hand over JJ's head.
"They want to meet their big brother too," she said softly, "I'm not sure how long you'll be allowed to stay. Momma will have to bring you back here later for a bit probably."
JJ's eyes bugged out of his head.
"So I get to meet the babies AND have turkey?!"
Tara smiled and curved her hand around to cup JJ's chin.
"Sweet boy."
Willow came back down the driveway and back into the driver's seat, strapping herself in.
"I tried to give them money, but they wouldn't take it. Can you believe that? Anya refused money! She once asked Xander if they could convert to Judaism because she thought the gold coins we gave the kids on Hanukkah were real and she'd get some too!"
"She stole mine and got mad when they were chocolate," JJ supplied from the back.
Willow gestured back indicatively and chuckled as she started the car again.
"I'm sure she's just itemizing a bill to make sure she includes everything."
"Do you have to be so rude about her?" Tara snapped, lifting her hand to rub her temple when a steady thump had become resident, "It's been years, can you not just get along?"
The car was silent for a long second.
"Sorry," Willow said eventually, through a gulp, "I was just kidding around."
Tara didn't respond.
Willow checked out JJ in the rearview mirror, who was looking down and rubbing his hands against the seat.
She cast her eye back to Tara, now looking out the window glumly and silently drove ahead. She turned on the radio to the station she knew JJ liked and sure enough, after a few minutes, he started singing from the back. Willow smiled that he was completely unselfconscious about the fact that he was tone-deaf and enjoyed The Spice Girls.
They got to the hospital and Tara rushed ahead, prompting Willow to call out to her to wait up for them. Inside, they stood outside the elevator to bring them to the NICU floor. There was a 'ping' and Tara's breath caught in her throat.
Her eyes were already twitchy and ashamed. There was no room for the dread bubbling inside.
"I-I'm going to take the stairs."
She turned toward the stairwell and Willow nodded at JJ.
"See your mother's commitment to exercise?" she complimented gently, "She takes the stairs every time we come here even after having surgery. It helps her get stronger."
"I like climbing stairs!" JJ replied eagerly and hurried ahead to take them two-by-two.
Willow followed behind them and softly put a hand on the small of Tara's back. Tara glanced over and Willow just kissed her cheek. Tara looked down to hide the tears and continued up the stairs.
JJ was full of wonder as they arrived in the NICU, holding both of their hands and jumping between them like he was two years old again, all but begging them to swing him.
He was fascinated by the scrubbing-in procedure and felt like a doctor he'd seen do the same on TV.
Willow bent down to his level just before they entered the main room.
"Hey, you have to be really quiet in here, okay? All of the babies are sleeping. And your sisters are in these big boxes and will probably be sleeping too."
"I know, Momma," JJ replied impatiently.
"And you can't touch anything," Willow continued seriously, "The equipment is all very delicate. Mouth closed, hands by your sides, okay?"
"Like when Gramps takes me to temple?" JJ asked with another nod.
Willow frowned.
"Yeah, I had that rule too," she said, shaking her head, "You try to open the Ark one time…"
She smiled at JJ.
"Just stay by us and be very, very careful, yeah?"
JJ nodded again quickly and visibly tried to withhold his excitement but still bounced on the tops of his toes. A nurse finally came to let them into the NICU and Willow stood behind JJ to guide him as he took in the new place. She knew how odd a feeling it was to first step in.
His head roamed around the whole, large room; taking in all of the incubators and various machinery hooked up to them. Tara went straight over to the twins; seeing them alive and breathing alleviating her anxieties for whole seconds before new ones could set in.
Willow took the journey with JJ slower, so as not to overwhelm him.
Finally, they made it to the girls' spot beside the window. Willow stood him between them.
"Lily, Emily, meet your big brother," she said softly, "Jakey, meet your little sisters. This is Lily and this is Emily."
"H-hi," JJ said, a sudden nervous catch in his voice.
He just about remembered Robyn being born but he was able to hold her and rock her in her chair. His curiosity leaned more toward the fear end of the spectrum when he wasn't sure how to explore.
Tara saw the little quiver in his voice and recognized it quite evocatively. She put a hand on his back and rubbed gently.
"You can put your hand in and give them a little rub."
JJ's eyes shot to Tara fearfully and the kindness so innate in her was able to shine through her eyes.
"It's okay. I'll do it with you."
He hesitated, then nodded trustingly and let Tara enclose his hand in hers to put through the opening to stroke Emily's arm. When that went successfully, they went to the other side to do the same to Lily and suddenly JJ was full of enthusiasm and questions about the machines and what they were doing.
Thankfully his other mother was an Encyclopedia Willanica on all things NICU and brought him around to explain in the least-scary way what everything did.
Tara found herself relieved that she didn't have to take on his emotional labor too. This only made the guilt gnawing at her insides take a stronger hold. She sought out a nurse to help her get Lily set up for some kangaroo care; the one thing she could do where she actually felt like she was doing something for one of her children.
JJ was captivated watching Lily be lifted through the air as if it was Rafiki holding Simba up on Pride Rock. Getting to the age where he was starting to get reticent about nudity, he didn't even blink when Tara exposed her chest for Lily to be placed on.
"Can I look, Mommy?" he asked shyly as he peered in from over her shoulder.
"Of course," Tara replied softly, "Holding her like this helps her grow big and strong. My skin keeps her warm and I can feed her from my breast."
"Like how Momma fed Robbie from her boobies?" JJ asked, eyebrows lifting together.
Tara smiled and nodded.
"Exactly."
"Cool," JJ breathed and gasped when Lily suddenly latched her mouth around Tara's nipple, "Did she bite you?!"
Tara pursed her lips to stop a laugh.
"No, sweetie, she just has to hold on so she can eat."
JJ watched Lily's hat pat Tara's breast.
"She's so little."
A while later, Willow returned from wherever she'd disappeared to and bent her knees in front of JJ, a bright sparkle in her eye.
"Guess what?"
JJ looked at Willow expectedly, who just grinned wider.
"Do you want to hold Lily like Mom is? Right against your body?"
There was no forehead left for how high JJ's eyebrows rose into it.
"Really?" he asked, the high pitch of his squeal the only thing keeping it from being so voluminous that it bounced off every wall, "This is best Thanksgiving ever!"
Tara, on the other hand, had furrowed her brow so much it was nothing but lines.
"I-I don't know if he can…"
Willow just smiled.
"I checked with the nurses. They said it's okay as long as it doesn't cause her any distress," she reassured and looked down at JJ again, "If her machines start to beep too loud buddy, we have to stop."
JJ nodded excited and with two eager heads looking right at her, Tara swallowed and peeked down at Lily.
"O-of course."
They got JJ a bigger chair that he couldn't slip off from and he took his shirt off. The nurses helped with the transfer and Willow had to kneel around JJ from the front to make sure she was being held exactly as she should.
Tara covered herself up and stood to go spend some time with Emily. She was reminded of how much of her time she spent in contact with Lily since she could do kangaroo care with her. Yet again she was overcome with guilt.
She held Emily's hand and closed her eyes when there was a little squeeze. Emily was really only starting to do that and it was a split-second distraction from finding herself jealous of her own son and the much-needed sibling bonding.
She was so lost in her own self-flagellation she didn't hear Willow calling her name until a passing nurse put a hand on her shoulder to get her attention.
"Tara," Willow said softly, smiling out through the window, "Tara, look."
Tara lifted her head in that direction and was surprised to see each and every one of their friends and family members gathered in the hallway with the kids holding a homemade sign saying Happy Thanksgiving. They were all smiles and waves.
Even Robyn was waving curiously and didn't seem so distraught to see her baby sisters this time, a little bigger and with less wiring overtaking them.
Tara blinked several times and heard a phone beep.
"Tara, look!" Willow said moments later, shoving her phone under Tara's nose.
Tara pulled back to try and see what Willow was trying to show her. Pictures of a nursery, somewhere. It looked vaguely familiar but she didn't understand.
"They did it up for us," Willow said, choked up, "I haven't had a chance and all the Amazon stuff was flat-packed and…"
Tara realized that the room was vaguely familiar because it was in her house.
That was wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Willow looked out to the crowd and mouthed 'thank you'. They all smiled and waved some more.
Willow had tears in her eyes as she looked back to Tara, but not the same droplets of anger and sadness that were pricking at Tara.
"We have the best family."
Tara made herself smile back with those tears hidden in her eyes.
She looked out at the kind faces.
They truly did.
So why did she feel so alone?