Chapter twenty-three

Bella

"So, did you find anything?" I asked Carlisle on Monday morning, while eating breakfast at the Cullens. Edward had told me about Carlisle trying to find some information about vampire Gifts and magic in the Congress archives and I was dying to know what he'd discovered.

Carlisle smiled, taking a seat opposite me. "Not yet. But I have to admit that I was distracted by the vastness of the place." His face turned excited as it always did when he talked about new knowledge. I had to bite back a laugh. "You can't imagine how many books and scrolls of parchment there are! Many of them much older than me, brought there from Europe and well, all of the world actually." He paused, his smile fading a little. "At first I asked the head archivist if he could tell me where to look but… he wasn't very helpful."

"Why? He didn't know?"

Carlisle sighed. "I think he didn't want to help me." Seeing my disbelieving expression, he explained. "I think most of the wizards don't really trust us. I could see it when I was there with Alice for the first meeting."

"But that's stupid," I said with a frown, but I wasn't really surprised. I remembered Remus Lupin and Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, and what they'd had to face from some other people just because they weren't completely human. Sadly, bigotry and prejudice were quite common in the wizarding world.

"I don't really blame them, Bella," said Carlisle and he looked sort of resigned. "Our kind… we're not exactly trustworthy."

"But you're different."

"Yes, and we just have to prove it to them," Carlisle said with a smile. "All the more reasons for coming back there." He winked and I laughed.

"Anything new about the potion?" I asked after a minute of my silent eating. I knew they'd had just the first meeting a few days after Christmas but maybe Carlisle had talked about it with someone last night.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "But it's still early. They said potion making can take some time."

"Yeah, I know." I sighed, wondering what I would do if I were really needed back in Britain before the potion was ready. I'd sort of started counting on Edward going there with me, but what if he wouldn't be able to go? Would I go alone, risking my life, knowing what it would do to him if I died? What it would do to my parents, the Cullens...

Before my relationship with Edward had become serious, I'd never really thought about the possibility of me dying in a battle. I'd only seen myself helping my friends, I'd felt it was my duty to come back to help. But now? Edward was my priority but at the same time I was sure I'd feel guilty if I had to stay here instead of fighting for what was important to me.

Sighing again, I pushed those thoughts aside. I just hoped I wouldn't have to face that decision anytime soon.

I spent rest of the morning in Edward's room, reading fourth year Transfiguration book, trying out some of the easier spells nonverbally. I was happy to see that it was much easier now for me to do nonverbal magic after a few months of practicing. I wished that was true for Apparition as well.

Saturday lesson had been quite a failure. Toby's mother had died a day after Christmas, so he'd been having a lot to deal with. Despite my offer, he'd refused to move our lesson, saying he needed the distraction. I could tell his mood wasn't in it though and he'd been less patient with me than usual.

Even though I'd somehow managed not to splinch, I hadn't moved at all. Edward wasn't here to support me and without him or at least Jasper to help me keep focused, I'd grown easily distracted and frustrated. Also, my mind often betrayed me, reminding me of the last Apparition lesson and how it ended in blood.

I hated that I'd had to beg Edward to stay with me next time, knowing how scared he was of accidentally hurting me, but I couldn't see any other way. I was sure he wouldn't hurt me, not with all the precautions we would take. He'd agreed to think about it, which was a good sign, but so far, he hadn't told me his decision. I wanted to give him as much time as possible so I hadn't brought it up again, but if he didn't decide by Thursday, I would have to make him talk to me about it again.

I sighed and put the book aside, rubbing my eyes. It was nearly time for lunch, so I stood up and walked to the kitchen where I found Esme with little Sarah preparing sandwiches. I was sure it had been a huge relief for Toby to have someone to look after his daughter after his mother's death. Sarah was too young to fully appreciate someone's death and even though she missed her grandmother and was sad that she'd never see her again, she was now perfectly happy spending time with Esme.

I hadn't been around Sarah much during Christmas break and, come to think of it, neither before that. She was always with Esme or with Rosalie and I didn't want Edward to think I'd change my mind about wanting to have my own children. I knew it wouldn't happen, but it had been hard to convince him of it and I still wasn't sure he believed me completely.

Sarah was too busy chatting to Esme about the pictures they'd drawn together that she didn't notice me walking into the kitchen. Taking two ham and cheese sandwiches, I caught Esme's eye. She winded at me and I chuckled to myself and returned to Edward's room, taking the lunch with me. I didn't really feel like studying right now, so I looked around the room, wondering what to do. My eyes stopped on Edward's journal that was laying on the bedside table. I sat down on the bed, placing the plate with sandwiches on my lap, and reached out for the journal.

I'd been surprised when he told me that I could read them; I guess I'd been bad at hiding my curiosity. It was a dark reading though. I loved his writing style but seeing his unfiltered thoughts and emotions he'd poured into his journals was sometimes heart breaking. And I hadn't even finished the first one. I hadn't read since Saturday, having spent all day yesterday with Edward and his family. I opened the journal on the marked page and started to read:

September 23, 1926

Finally, I'm alone again. I just got back from a hunt – deer again. I hate them, the taste is so mild and bitter, it never satisfies my thirst. But nothing really does. I mean, of course, carnivores are better, but it still isn't enough. I don't think it'll ever be enough. I wonder if there is anything, except for human blood, that would fully satisfy me. Ever since Esme had the accident, I can't stop thinking about it. About what human blood tastes like. If I would ever be capable of killing a human to get a taste… I don't want to kill anybody, but I feel like there's something missing in my life. Like I have to know what it's like. I hate that feeling.

I know Carlisle and Esme worry about me. They try to hide it, but especially Esme is still bad at it, so it often slips in her mind. It doesn't help that she's still upset about the accident. The guilt she feels is enormous. I feel sorry for her but at the same time I envy her. She knows now how it tastes… Carlisle doesn't, so it never tempted me before. Except for when we came across the two nomads, I heard in their thoughts how good human blood is. Carlisle told me that day, that he wouldn't stop me if I wanted to go my way, but I knew he still needed my help with Esme and, for some reason, he would miss me.

But would he miss me even now? His relationship with Esme is so strong, they have each other, and Esme is getting better at coping with this life. In fact, she's never complained about Carlisle changing her. She's happy. I don't really blame her, given the tragedy that was her human life. I swear if I'd ever get a hold of the monster that hurt her like that, I would rip him to pieces. I'm sure Carlisle would forgive me for that, he sometimes thinks about going to kill him himself. He'd never admit it to Esme of course…

They will be gone for the whole weekend. They often go out like that, so they could be alone. I offered many times that I could leave for a few days to give them space, but Esme always refuses. She says they would destroy the house, but I know it's because she doesn't want me to feel like I can't go home. Though she's probably right about the destruction of the house. Sometimes I can't help but hear them, when they're not far enough. I hate it, these images are hard to erase. I couldn't look in Carlisle's eyes for days after the first time I heard them.

Maybe they would be relieved if I weren't here anymore. They don't really need me, and I could use some space. I'm just afraid that I would be tempted to go and taste human blood. But that would mean killing someone. I would hear their thoughts, their last thoughts full of pain. They would undoubtedly think about their loved ones, families… Can I really do that? Kill innocent people? It's cruel, I don't want to do that. But maybe… what if they were not as innocent? What if I killed only bad people? The ones that committed murders? Or rapists? I could kill Charles Evenson. I actually want to do that. I know I wouldn't regret his death. And there are more like him. There is no way police can catch all of them. I could be like a policeman, catching the villains, and the executioner at the same time. Many of them would be executed anyway, if the police caught them. I would save people this way. The potential victims of the killers. They would want to thank me. I would help people and satisfy my thirst at the same time.

I have to think about it some more but I'm starting to like the idea. I know Carlisle wouldn't though. He'd be disappointed in me. I will wait for a while, maybe this feeling will fade away. I hope it will.

"Not a very nice reading, is it?" said Edward's voice from my left, making me jump and drop the journal. I hadn't heard him come in the room. "Sorry," he muttered, smiling apologetically.

"I'm going to put a cow bell around your neck," I said, frowning, and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was early for him to be back from school but then I noticed the rays of sun shining through the window.

Edward chuckled, walking to sit on the bed next to me. He leaned over me and picked up the journal, glancing on the page I'd been reading. He grimaced before placing it on the bedside table. Suddenly, I had the urge to hug him, so I threw my arms around his neck, surprising him.

"What is that for?" he whispered into my ear as I tightened my arms around him.

I pulled away, shrugging. "Can't I hug my boyfriend?" I said, but my eyes slipped to the journal. He noticed and sighed.

"Don't feel sorry for me, Bella," he said, frowning. "That's not why I let you read them."

"It's not that," I said, leaning against the headboard and taking his hand. "I just wish I could have been there for you," I admitted.

"I would have killed you in less than a second," he said darkly, but then his look softened. "The waiting was worth it, believe me." He leaned forward to kiss me on my lips.

I sighed against his lips, snaking my free hand around his neck, hoping he would deepen the kiss. I felt him smile and he nibbled on my bottom lip before pulling away. I scowled at him, making him chuckle. He straightened his back, putting his right arm around my shoulders, and kissed my temple.

"How was your day?" he asked, playing with a strand of my hair.

I rolled my eyes. "Normal. I missed you though," I admitted, looking up at his smiling face. "How was school?"

"Boring and I missed you like crazy," he said with a wink. "But I had time to think."

"About?"

"Your request."

I felt my eyes go wide. "Really?" That was sooner than I'd thought.

He nodded slowly. "We will make all the precautions you talked about. And I'll go hunting the night before."

"So... you'll stay? Really?" My smile was so big that my cheeks hurt.

"Yes. If it'll help you, then I have to do it. I'd be a terrible boyfriend if I didn't." He gave me a crooked smile, but I could see a certain caution in his eyes. My smile froze and I suddenly felt bad. What I'd asked of him seemed suddenly very selfish. I frowned, looking down at my hands in my lap. A cold finger appeared under my chin, lifting it. "What is it, Bella?"

"I... I never realized how selfish it was of me to ask that of you. I'm sorry, you don't have to -" His finger had moved from my chin to my lips.

"Stop it, sweetheart," he said, frowning. "Asking for help is not selfish. It's a proof that you trust me. And I want to help you in any way I can."

"But you shouldn't feel like you have to do it, Edward," I argued.

"I want to do it." He sounded sincere and as I looked into his face, I could see he really meant it. "You'd do the same for me, no matter how uncomfortable you'd be," he added quietly, tracing my cheek with his finger.

I nodded. He was right, I would do anything for him. I let out a relieved sigh and kissed him. "Thank you."

"But," he started, making me raise my eyebrow at him, "I will need you to do me a favor."

"Of course, anything."

"You have to stay the night here on Friday."

"W-what? No!" I spluttered, pulling away from him. "I can't sleep here, Edward."

"Yes, you can." His expression turned serious. "I will be gone hunting all night, you can't stay home without me while the wolves can come check on Charlie any moment."

I crossed my arms across my chest, scowling at him. "Well, Alice can stay with me then. She will know when the wolves are near just by her visions turning dark."

"Bella," Edward drew out my name, sounding frustrated. "Alice is going on a weekend trip with Jasper. They want some alone time."

I opened my mouth and then closed it again, trying to think of a way out of this. The thought that I'd say something embarrassing in my sleep again was not pleasant at all and I was determined to avoid even the possibility of it happening again. The fact, that Emmett still teased me about it helped to strengthen my resolve.

"I can take care of myself if they come. We can always wipe their memory or something." I was grasping at straws here and Edward knew it. His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched – clear sign of him being angry.

"This is ridiculous, Bella," he hissed. "You're being childish and immature, you're refusing to sleep here out of stubbornness, nothing else."

I winced. His words were too honest for my liking, and sadly, they were true. I reacted before I could think about it. "Well, it's not like you've never been immature yourself," I bit back.

Seeing his face, I regretted it at once, but before I could apologize, I heard two voices arguing loudly from downstairs. I frowned, turning my head toward the door. The voices sounded like Alice and Emmett and there was only one thing these two bickered about the past week or so.

"Did he try to get her again?" I asked, momentarily forgetting we were in the middle of an argument. Turning back to Edward, I saw him nod curtly. He slipped off the bed and walked to the door. "Where are you going?"

"Out," he said and disappeared out the door.

I sighed, pulling up my legs and resting my chin on my knees. Edward was right about everything he'd said, and I knew that my comeback was absolutely unnecessary.

"He's right, you know," said Alice's voice from the doorway. She walked in the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "But you do know that."

I nodded. "Where has he gone?"

She shrugged. "For a run. He does that when he wants to clear his head. Or when he wants to calm down."

I sighed again. I'd apologize to him when I saw him again. I hated fighting with him, and I felt like we'd been doing it quite a lot since we'd gotten together.

Alice smiled at me, patting my arm gently. "He'll forgive you. We can't stay mad at our mates for too long."

"Thanks, Alice." I didn't want to think of an angry Edward right now, so I asked the first thing that came to my mind. "So, what did Emmett try this time?"

Alice rolled her eyes theatrically, making me laugh. "Big spider in my closet. I mean, even if I hadn't seen it, spiders don't scare me. And he's repeating himself."

"It worked on Rose…" I said, chuckling.

"She's not scared of them. She only didn't expect one to be in her jewellery case."

"Is she speaking to him yet?" I remembered a very pissed Rosalie as she'd threatened Emmett to rip his limbs off.

"She will. They love making up." Alice rolled her eyes, shaking her head.

Edward had been gone all afternoon and hadn't come back even when I had to go home with dinner for Charlie. Alice assured me that he will be back soon and that I could go home – she could see my and Charlie's future just fine, so no wolves would be around.

After dinner and a long, hot shower I walked in my room and was surprised to see Edward there, sitting in the rocking chair in the corner. I breathed out in relief. He stood up when I closed the door, but other than that didn't move. His eyes watched me warily as I quickly crossed the room, wrapping my arms around his waist, and buried my head into his chest.

"I'm sorry," I muttered into his shirt.

He'd frozen for a second but then his arms came up around me. I lifted my head to see his face. His expression was still a little guarded but there was relief in it as well.

"What are you sorry for? I'm the one who should apologize."

"But you were right. About everything. I was being stubborn and childish and immature and stupid."

"I didn't say you were stupid."

"Well, I was. And I shouldn't have snapped at you like that." I blew out a breath, relieved I'd finally had it out of my chest.

"You were right too, you know."

"No, you just want to protect me. That's actually very mature," I said, smiling up at him. "You just sometimes choose a wrong way to do it."

He chuckled and tightened his arms around me. "I want to kiss you so badly," he said quietly.

I grinned, standing up on my tiptoes, and moved my arms up and around his neck. "You don't need to ask my permission for that," I murmured just before pressing my lips to his.

Next second, my back was pressed against the mattress of my bed. Edward took over the kiss, deepening it, his body half hovering above mine, half pressing into me. My hands shot up into his hair, making him groan into my mouth. That sound made me shiver with excitement and I wanted to be even closer to him, so I pushed myself up even though there really wasn't any space left between us. I felt his hand slowly running down my side where it stopped for a moment and then his cold fingers were touching my skin, bare after my t-shirt had rolled up a few inches. He hesitated again before moving his hand to my lower back and under my t-shirt, then slowly up my spine.

I was out of breath, but Edward seemed to sense it somehow because he moved his mouth to my throat. His hand stopped in the middle of my back, his long fingers spreading so his thumb was just an inch or so from the underside of my breast. Goosebumps rose all over my body from his cold touch and I shivered again, pressing my hips to his. I could feel just how much he wanted me and couldn't stop myself from rubbing against him.

I knew at once that I'd gone too far.

Edward froze, his lips still on the crook of my neck. I expected him to run but he didn't move.

"Too much?" I asked breathlessly.

He nodded.

"Do you need to leave?"

At first, he didn't react, but after a few moments he shook his head.

I was still panting but my breath gradually calmed down until it was back to normal. Slowly, I started massaging his scalp, hoping it would help him relax. I was happy that he managed to not run this time, it only proved how strong he was. Also, his hand was still spread across my back and it didn't look like he was about to remove it. I didn't mind in the slightest.

After a few more minutes, he took a deep breath and kissed my throat before lifting his head. His eyes were dark but otherwise he looked calm, relaxed even. I smiled at him, brushing his hair off his forehead.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He nodded, his lips pulling up into a smile. Suddenly, his eyes widened, and he quickly removed his hand from my back.

"I liked it there!" I protested, pouting.

That seemed to surprise him. "Really? Um… wasn't it… too much?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, it was perfectly okay. In case you didn't notice, I really enjoyed it."

He grinned but then frowned again. "Wasn't it cold?"

Again, I rolled my eyes. "I liked it."

His answering grin was shy, boyish even. He kissed my lips lightly and lay his head on my shoulder, his right hand sneaking back under my t-shirt and up my back.