The drive to Alice's house is long enough for me to gain some composure and short enough not to allow myself to dwell over the events of the morning. My head sways like a pendulum when I think about what hurts more: guilt for sufficiently breaking whatever was left of Tyler's heart, or Edward's face after I told him to leave.
I don't do this. I don't have confrontation in my life. I make a point to not have it anywhere around me. I learned over the years that confrontation brings upon a level of stress that I just cannot have. I can't function with negativity eating at my heart and my conscience. I've built a life for myself that requires no reason for confrontation, negative energy, or anything that could again bring upon the heartbreak that I lived through that I surely thought was going to kill me.
I don't lead a life of avoidance, either. I never deny myself anything that I want, or have wanted over the years. I just live simply, surround myself with positive people I love and trust, and shrug my shoulders and move on when I sense any negative feelings towards something. Things like that have no place in my life.
I know that is the real reason for all the tears this morning. Not for hurting Tyler, or leaving Edward, or for questioning whether or not I should stay in Forks or return to New York. It was because the one thing that I worked so hard to always avoid, hurtful confrontation, was literally standing on my doorstep. Unavoidable. Painful.
I think back to Edward and I the night before I left for New York, and I know that moment is when the construction of my own walls began. At the time, Edward had spent eighteen years, spent his whole childhood building his own walls, so he was good at it. He knew the words to say in order to protect his own heart, and he did it well.
He left me shattered, broken, open and vulnerable to all of the world's pain. And I knew then that would be the last time I would ever put myself in that position.
So I spent those ten years away from Edward putting those walls up. The walls weren't meant to push anyone away or keep anyone out. They were there just enough for me to protect myself. I fell while rollerblading once and broke my wrist, and I would prefer a bone being broken over a broken heart. The walls did just that. I knew that if I were to feel that type of heartbreak again, it would actually succeed in its quest to kill me.
And I can't be mad at Edward or Tyler or anyone else.
Even to the very end, Tyler remained the person I had fallen in love with. He respected my choice, as hard as it was for him to swallow. He didn't come here to win me back or change my mind. He didn't come here to fight with me or Edward. He had pulled me in for a final embrace, kissed the top of my head, wiped away my tears, and disappeared with the ring in his pocket.
A good man that deserved my honesty and intentions towards Edward.
Edward.
I can't help the feelings that swarm through my body at the thought of him. It's more than just the night we shared, even though that is on the forefront of my mind. How could it not be? I had been relying on my memories and my imagination for so long and they had fallen way short of the real thing.
Teenager Bella and Edward had been exactly that: teenagers. No experience outside of each other, and while we definitely had thoroughly entertained ourselves with each other back then, it did not hold a candlestick to now. Time and experience, growth and curiosity had filled in the gaps between then and now, and I would gladly spend another ten years apart from Edward if it meant me being able to relive last night again.
Ten years? I take that back. It was killing me to be apart from him now and it had only been a few hours.
My phone sits in the passenger seat next to me, and I am hyper aware of its presence alongside the silence of the car. It vibrates with the reminder of a text from Edward.
I need to know you're okay.
His text came through a few minutes after I had left my house, and I wanted to be sure of my response before answering him.
Am I okay?
I am. Other than being unnerved at the showdown that almost occurred in my driveway, I am okay. I know that all of this means something. That it all has a purpose.
I'm okay with that for now.
The most important thing today is that Alice and Jasper get the wedding they deserve, regardless of what happened with Edward and Tyler. I am determined to put all of my feelings on the backburner for today. I know I'll have to deal with it all tomorrow but today is for Alice.
I call Edward as I pull onto Alice's block, unable to put it off any longer. He answers on the first ring.
"Hey," he answers, his words filled with relief. "You okay?"
I nod into the phone even though he can't see me, his voice alone doing wonders to calm the storm in my mind. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just getting to Alice's now."
I pull into the driveway and put my car into Park, settling my head back against the headrest. The second I walk through those doors the organized chaos will descend, and I am desperate for a few quiet minutes alone before putting my brave face on.
"Good. Right on time." Edward adds, before continuing with slight hesitation. "Is Tyler…?"
I cut him off before he finishes. "No, he left." I continue. "He was harmless, really."
He exhales loudly and I can hear the restraint in his next words. "God, Bella, leaving you today with him almost killed me."
"I know," I say, not needing his words to tell me how much it hurt him to leave. The look on his face had said it all. He left to keep me happy, to keep the peace, fighting against all of himself to stay. Knowing Edward had wanted to fight for me after thinking for so long that I didn't matter was a distant comfort, even though the timing and the reason was all wrong.
"What'd you tell him?" Edward asks. He speaks the words strong and steady but I can hear the emotional strain within them.
I sigh into the empty car, all of a sudden so very tired of it all. "I told him the truth even though he pretty much knew when he saw you," I hope Edward can hear the small smile that peaks through my words.
"Should I be sorry?" He asks, his voice gaining the confidence he momentarily had lost. "I'm not, Bella. I'm sorry that he found out the way he did but I'm not sorry for anything else."
His words anything else make images of the two of us last night flash before my eyes, and I let myself get lost in them as a reprieve from today's anxiety-ridden stressors.
I can lose myself in those moments, and I shake my head back into focus. "You've done nothing wrong so you don't need to be sorry for anything." I add for his own sake, "Please stop worrying."
"Okay," he replies, and I can hear the tension pour out of him, "but only because you asked me to."
I laugh into the phone, grateful for the distraction. I turn at the sound of a car door behind me. "The florist just pulled up behind me in the driveway," I say, taking it as my cue to get my ass in gear for Alice.
Grabbing my dress and bags, I slide out of the car and close the door behind me. "I'll see you later?"
"Bye, Bella."
I hang up with Edward, the morning slightly behind me just enough for me to be able to table it for now and forge ahead into the busy itinerary of the day.
Sure enough, behind Alice's front door is the chaos I envisioned. The relationship between Alice and her mother had always been strained, but had gotten better over the years, which was one of the reasons why Alice had wanted to get ready for her wedding day at her childhood home here instead of the home she shared with Jasper. Nestled against Fork's endless greenery, even in the depths of winter, I know the photographer is chomping at the bit to get the perfect shot.
Taking two steps into the house, I know that today is promised to be full of them.
Alice's mother is busy directing the florist, who had entered the house with me, towards the kitchen where the flowers will stay until the right time. I take a few steps into the dining room and see a complete breakfast spread before me, and it dawns on me that between waking up with Edward and saying goodbye to Tyler that I had yet to eat anything. I fix a plate for myself despite my missing appetite as Alice enters the room.
"Eat," I say, thrusting the plate I had made for myself at her, "it's mandatory."
"Ugh, I'll throw up," she says, rubbing a hand up and down over her stomach. Her hair is still in a presentable disarray from sleep, her face void of anything other than her natural pleasant complexion, and she's dressed in a cute little Bride to Be sweat suit.
We all wear matching ensembles labeled with Bride, Maid of Honor, and Bridesmaid gemstones distinguishing our roles in the special day.
"Good luck, Bella. I've been trying for the past hour," Rose quips, joining us in the dining room before helping herself to a cup of fruit. She pops a grape into her mouth and points to Alice. "She won't listen."
I sigh, adding a couple more strawberries onto my/Alice's plate. "I'm no bride but even I know that's a non-negotiable. You have to eat something," I demand. "I don't care what, but something other than champagne and wine has to be consumed by you today."
"I'll kill you myself if you get any throw up on that dress," Rose states matter of factly.
Speaking of the dress, my eye catches a beam of white from the living room window, and we all without words follow the glare. In front of the window, hanging on a hanger bent and twisted and crafted to form the words Mrs. Whitlock, is the wedding dress that seems even more beautiful than it did at the final dress fitting.
The three of us stare at it together in silence, Rose and I flanking Alice in the middle. We hear a click behind us, the photographer no doubt capturing the three of us staring at the gown in front of us, and I know that I'll be asking Alice for a copy of that picture. Our arms wrap tightly around each other, in excitement, in peace, in finality.
It's true. Boys may come and go, no matter what age, but your friends will always be the family you choose.
The morning is full of moments like these. There are pictures taken while some of us get our hair twisted and curled and pinned, and the pictures continue when the make up applied to our face transforms us into glamourous versions of our usual selves. Jewelry is adorned, dresses are zipped into, feet are shoved into heels, and smiles and happy tears are present throughout each step. Flowers are fresh and crisp and stunning against our black dresses and Alice's white. We pose for pictures and get lost in the candid moments amongst best friends on a day imagined since childhood.
"Limo's here," Alice's dad calls out and adjusts his tie one last time. We help Alice slip into her winter shawl, the soft white fur warm against our fingers. It will help from the cold winter, but won't prevent, but we all know that not everything on a wedding day is about comfort.
"You ready?" I ask as we shuffle outside onto the porch. All of us are in charge of little tasks along the way, mine being to make sure Alice's veil and train are successfully transported from the porch to the limo. Why I was put in charge of this task, the one who can fall down at the brush of a feather, I'll never know, but here we are.
"You need a minute?" I ask, noticing that Alice has lagged behind the rest and stares at the hustle and bustle of her family and friends. She shakes her head and looks at me now, a dazed smile on her face.
"No, I'm good," she says, but I see she takes a couple of healthy inhales and exhales. "I'm good. I just needed to breathe." She motions towards the limo in front of her, us in our dresses on the porch, flowers in hand. I nod and smile, leaning towards her so she can lean on me.
She does.
"Taking a mental picture?" I question.
"Something like that." She smiles and leans back into her own space. A soft gust of wind streaks across the porch and I tighten my shawl over my bare shoulders.
"Have you heard from Jasper today?"
Alice shakes her head and flutters a hand back towards the house. "Just the card he left," she responds, and I watch her eyes glaze over again as she stares into a space behind me. "I can't believe I get to marry him today."
She turns back to me again, this time with a look of glee on her face. I laugh and give her a gentle push.
"You can't? I can!" I say enthusiastically. "I know what you mean, though. It feels like yesterday when he moved here."
"I remember the day when both of you moved to town. Edward and I were never the same again," Alice jokes, and the mention of Edward's name has me spinning my wheels again.
I reach for the train of her dress in an attempt to change the subject, "Sorry for being so dramatic but you're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen."
I'm not exaggerating in the slightest but she rolls her eyes at me anyway at my lame attempt to thwart off talk of Edward.
"I'll be saying those same words to you," she says as we make our way into the limo. "I can see it, Bella."
-tr-
The ride to the ceremony in the limo is a rollercoaster of emotion for all of us. Pulling away from Alice's house hits me a little harder than I thought it would. We're not only pulling away from a house, we're pulling away from one era of our lives into a completely new one. None of us have navigated these waters yet, and naturally, we'll figure it out together like we always do.
Pulling up to the venue is our final reality check. The weather is pristine for Alice's winter wedding, with a light and fresh coating of snow dusting the mountain side and roof of the venue. The landscape alone does a magical job of capturing the temperature though the lens of the photographer.
"Can you see him?" For the first time I've known her, I hear something unrecognizable in Alice's voice. I can't tell if it's nerves, or excitement, or curiosity but it's making Alice duck to the side of the last window. It's unnecessary with the tinted windows but it's endearing and makes us all chuckle.
"No," Rose answers, reaching across to straighten Alice's veil that drapes across the seat. "There's Emmett and Edward. Jasper's inside already."
I turn immediately at his name, almost jumping over Rose to see for myself.
My heart clenches at the sight of him, and while Alice spends her last unmarried moments dreaming of her awaiting fiancé, I spend these final minutes watching Edward greet and usher the incoming guests to their proper places. I know in only moments he will be asked to take his place next to Jasper's side at the altar, and after that, he will meet me halfway up the aisle to escort me to my place on Alice's side, as well.
"How much longer?"
"Just a few minutes. You ready?" Rose asks, handing us a glass of champagne to down before we rock this thing.
Alice downs her glass like the Alice I know, places it back into the ice next to Jasper's untouched glass, and smacks her hands together. "I've been ready, girl! Let's do this."
So we do.
We watch as it all comes together seamlessly.
I see Edward freeze and falter when he catches his first glimpse of me, ready to meet him in the middle. I'm steady on my feet as I walk down the aisle, passing by the guests and flowers and music, towards Edward. He starts by Jasper's side at the altar and leaves to meet me halfway as instructed and practiced at the rehearsal dinner last night. I take his outstretched arm and loop my arm around it, as if I had always been destined to.
As devastatingly handsome as Edward looks across the altar, we stand and support our friends and their journey into a happy future. We soak it all in. The vows, the joy, the love. All six of us look at each other and laugh, still seeing the awkward years of braces and training bras instead of gowns and tuxes and rings.
When they are pronounced husband and wife, and sealed with a kiss in everlasting promise, I steal a glance at Edward.
His gaze is already there, waiting for me, for acknowledgement. His face is all I can see.
Later, after the introductions at the reception and before the toasts, we watch Alice and Jasper dance their first dance. I watch on the outskirts of the dance floor, feeling as if by watching them I am an intruder. I smile when I realize that Jasper and Alice are oblivious to everything around them, myself and my pervasive thoughts included.
When the band asks for others to join the bride and groom in their dance, I feel him before I see him, and without words we fall in place on the dance floor. His arms around me lock me into more than just this moment, this dance.
"I like this," he whispers, referring to the curls he's pulling gently on that I have swept to the side and pinned within an inch of their lives. It leaves the other side open and exposed and I know why he likes it, remembering from years ago how his lips favored the place between my neck and shoulder.
He remembers, too.
"I know this isn't the time or place but I think I have to say this now," Edward murmurs against my skin, his lips soft with every word. "Before you have a chance to slip away."
"Okay," I answer, knowing that he is so very wrong. I can't slip away. I won't.
"Now I've been working on this for ten years so," he pauses to chuckle, "I almost have it memorized by now."
He pulls away and places both hands on either side of my cheeks, cupping my face in place. "But now that you're here in front of me I may forget it all."
I shake my head, "I'm here," I say, urging him to continue. "I'm not going anywhere."
He lets go of my face and reaches for my hand, twirling me away from him and back again, only to press me close to him once more. Our bodies sway to the music but we dance to a song of our own.
"You know my story. You know that growing up I had almost nothing to call my own. My clothes belonged to whatever foster home or group home I was placed in at any given time. I didn't know if I was going to have a lunch at school or dinner that night. I mean, Emmett and Jasper helped me out whenever they could, obviously. Slipping me an extra sandwich or a pair of jeans or sneakers or something. I'll owe them forever for those things."
His eyes leave us and land on Emmett and Jasper, who are dancing with Rose and Alice respectively, but lean in to each other to share a joke of some sort that ends with Emmett slapping Jasper on the back in laughter. I follow his gaze, but quickly focus my attention back to Edward and the gratitude that emanates from his face.
He turns his stare back to me and we resume our dancing. "But you were the only one that knew how much that bothered me. You were the only one who knew how much it hurt to not have those basic needs met." He's lead us in slow circles into the center of the dance floor, but he is the only one I see, especially when his hands leave my own to drift down and rest against the small of my back. My arms circle his neck, resting against his shoulders before he continues. "For so long that was how I lived my life. Everyone was always doing so much to help me, all the time, that I figured the least I could do was not burden anyone with anything else. So I kept quiet about how I truly felt. I accepted the things I needed even though a part of me died a little each day that went by."
I remember the boy he speaks of, and I still see traces of him in the man that stands before me now.
He is open and honest, straightforward and forthcoming, but I know it's still difficult for him to be this candid. "I always wondered why I didn't even get one day with either of my parents. I thought that even with shitty parents like Alice or Rose or Emmett that it would be better than none at all."
If it's possible I pull him closer to me, wishing that I could help heal these deep wounds.
He clears his throat but goes on. "These are the kinds of thoughts that kept me up each night, and eventually, I began to think that I didn't deserve anything in my life. And eventually, over time, you start to believe it."
"Including me?"
I can feel him nod against the side of my face, the scruff on his cheeks brushing against mine just enough that a part of me revels in the contact. "Especially you. I had no, and still have, absolutely no idea what I did to deserve you. I had no stability in my life besides The Rec, my friends, and you."
"So why, Edward?"
This is it. This is the answer that I had uprooted my life for, and the man that sighs in our embrace already has me believing it's worth it.
"No matter how happy I was, or happy you made me, or how happy I was when we were together, I had years of thinking that I wasn't worth any of it going against us." He circles us around again so his hands are now grasping mine again, leading us down another path. "Just the mind of a kid who spent his life in foster care."
I think back to our senior year, trying to connect the dots as to when I could have seen some of these feelings, these insecurities, emerge from him. It dawns on me when he ghosts another soft kiss in his favorite spot, and my eyes fly open. "College applications?"
He nods again. "There was no way a kid like me could go to college," he pauses, and leans back to lock eyes with me. "Just like there was no way a girl like you couldn't."
I shake my head at him, disagreeing with him strongly and dead set on letting him know it. I scoff, and step out of his arms. "Me going away to college had nothing to do with us," I trail off because he is quick to bring me back to him. I settle back against his body as if I never left. "You know that nothing could have come between us."
"I know that now," his voice is a whisper again, reminding me of the way he whispered to me the night before. "I've had years of therapy to help me see why I know that. To see that I am worthy of whatever it is I want in my life."
Another slow song streams through the reception and we're quiet for a few notes, our words sinking and settling into the air. It's a lot to process, so I let myself contemplate it all while I'm safe in his arms.
He squeezes me before stepping back so I can see his face. His eyes search mine for a truth that matches his own. "Letting you walk away that night was the biggest mistake I've ever made," the earnest in his voice taking my breath away, "And I let myself believe that for a long time."
"What changed?" I ask, the emotion in my voice unmasked and raw.
"Honestly?"
I nod and squeeze his arms for him to continue.
"I was at Carlisle and Esme's," he answers. "We were having dinner. Nothing crazy or out of the ordinary from what we would normally do. But for the first time in a while, I watched them together. Took the time to not just share a space with them, but I watched them together in the kitchen. The radio was on and they were just cutting up vegetables and singing along to the song and it hit me then that it was just so exhausting. All of it." His eyes close involuntarily, as if the memory alone is too heavy a burden to remember.
"What was?"
He stops our dancing to look down at me and smiles softly. "Missing you." He says it like it is the most obvious thing in the world. "Just like I had gotten used to all those feelings of being unworthy, I had also gotten used to missing you. And it was damn tiring, Swan."
I think back to my life in New York. Being happy but never being able to place what exactly was missing yet subconsciously searching endlessly for answers that were lost because it was so obvious. "I know what that's like."
"So after that I pretty much told myself that enough was enough. I told Carlisle that I was ready to start living the life I wanted and he took care of the rest. Helped me enroll in college, set me up with the best therapy around. He never hesitated."
He sighs and shrugs his shoulders. "After that it was pretty clear to me. I didn't have many goals but I had enough to keep me busy over the last ten years."
"And what were they?"
"Graduate college."
We check and count each one off of our fingers.
"Check."
"Career."
"Check."
"The Rec?"
He pauses momentarily. "I knew the minute The Rec closed that I would have to find a way to open it again. It was like I didn't have a choice. I owe my life to The Rec."
"I think we all do in some way," I agree, thinking of how much of our adolescence is held within those walls. "So you got the degree, the job, The Rec. That's incredible, Edward. Don't think for a second that you don't deserve any of it. I can't think of anyone more worthy."
Nodding, he shoots me a shy smile. "I know now that I do. Deserve it," he clarifies. "There's just one more goal I haven't reached yet."
He pulls me close just to dip me lower to the ground. When he hugs me to his chest again, the happiness on his face is contagious and even though I'm upright again, he's making me feel topsy-turvy.
"And what's that?"
"The girl."
I stop to read his face, my eyes dancing from his smiling mouth to his crinkled eyes. I tilt my head to the side to answer him.
"What makes you so sure you don't have her?" What makes him think that he had ever lost me in the first place?
Shrugging, he leads us moving again. "Maybe Emmett was right. Maybe I did channel Kevin Costner and his whole 'If you build it, they will come' mantra. The degree, the job, The Rec. Those goals were for you just as much as they were for me." His smiles and sparking eyes stop to bore into mine, seriousness etched across all of his features. "I have no idea how to live without you, Bella."
I exhale and pull him, need him, closer. His arms wrap around my waist again. With my eyes closed, I surrender to him. "I thought I knew," I admit. "Turns out I was lying to myself."
"I have to give it to Tyler," Edward concedes and presses on when he sees the strange look I'm giving him. "He seems like the better man in all of this. There's no way I can let you go again, Bella. He did this morning, and I respect that, I do, but I didn't fight for us back then because I didn't know how. Didn't think a stupid kid that had nothing to offer you except the clothes on his back had the right to fight for anything. I know better now, though."
The band ends the slow streak and breaks into a loud and up-tempo song that brings everyone onto the dance floor. He pulls us off the floor and leans into me, talking loudly so I can hear him over the music.
"I want to enjoy tonight. I want to enjoy this wedding, being with you, in case it's our last," he yells into my ear. I want to tell him that he's wrong, that it won't be our last together, but he continues. "I'm tired of thinking," he stresses, and I understand his meaning far too well.
Instead he pulls my face to his, pressing his lips to mine, his parting words on repeat in my mind.
"I love myself now, and I've never stopped loving you, Bella."
-tr-
One more chapter and an Epilogue left, unless I have to break the chapters up a bit. Pray for me, folks. My oldest son broke the charger to my laptop and the new charger isn't scheduled to be delivered for another two weeks. Pray I find another power source so I can teach remotely, learn remotely with said son, and get these last two updates up for you all. Stay safe, stay healthy, and celebrate Passover and Easter as happily/peacefully as you can to those who celebrate. See you soon! (Hopefully!)