WARNING: Mentioning of self-harm
Merlin barely had time to reacted when Arthur sank back to the floor, his whole body was shaking. Merlin was not sure if it was from the anger or because he was panicking. All he could do was gather Arthur into his arms, holding him while he cried.
Arthur kept mummering why repeatedly. Merlin did not have the answer for him. Merlin winced a little bit when Arthur pressed his nails into his leg. He gently pried his fingers away from his leg. Arthur was struggling to keep his breathing under control.
"Focus Arthur. Just focus on my breathing." Merlin's voice was gentle. He did not want to put extra pressure on Arthur, but if Arthur did not calm down soon, well he would just make himself sick. "Just focus on it." Trough sobbing breathing Arthur followed Merlin's breathing pattern, slowly calming down.
When the tears stopped. He just sat against Merlin, feeling desolated. How many years would he need to try and keep his father favour. How many times more would he have to stand up for the kingdom. Feeling the why it was trying to kill his spirits, he turned his hand back to his leg. The slight pain kept him grounded. Merlin again pried his fingers away from his leg, making him cry out.
"Please Arthur." Merlin's voice was soft but pleading. He could not help but nodded.
Before Arthur could say anything, Merlin suddenly asked. "Why don't we go out for hunt?" A mere suggestion, nothing more, nothing less. Arthur half froze at the question. On the one hand it would be a why to get away from the castle, without hassle, but only if he took some knights with him and he did not know how he felt with their presence at the moment really.
He still feels unsure about who their loyalty lays too. Or if some off them is really his friend. Merlin seeing the reaction just pulled him back into a hug. "Calm down, if you don't want to you don't have to." His voice was soothing to Arthur. Arthur knows he can talk to Merlin, but he was not sure how to properly voice his feelings. So, the silence stretches for a few minutes, Merlin had taken to humming something.
Arthur had to make a conscious decision. He knows he can trust Merlin; he was simply scared off the reaction he would get. "I – I want to go on a hunt, I just don't know who to trust of the knights. And truth be told I would prefer to go alone. Well not completely alone, I still want you there." His voice trailed off when he realised what he said.
"Thank you, Arthur, for trusting me." Merlin's voice was awed. Arthur's eyes fell onto the ground. "And Arthur I know of just the right Knights, that are loyal to you. They want what is best for you, they are your friends. Even if you struggle to believe it." Merlin's voice was firm. "If you want, I could arrange everything." Arthur just nodded at that.
It would be good to get out of the castle. "Merlin, what about the nightmares?" Arthur's voice was tingled with embarrassment. "I would stay with you, when one came on, I would wake you Arthur. Try not to worry about it." Again, Arthur could only nod his agreement. The fear was slowly becoming a friend, someone he was used to.
Arthur suddenly pulled Merlin closer. Merlin's arms went around Arthur holding him tightly. "I'm so sorry." The apology was whispered against Merlin's shoulder. He was not sure why Arthur was apologizing for so he only tightened his arms, hoping he could offer a little bit of comfort.
Arthur relaxed slowly against Merin. His body feels cold. After a while Arthur pushed himself away from Merlin, they both have there tasked they need to complete for the day. Arthur feels the dread for the day climbing into his bones. He wanted nothing more than to lay in bed and just forget everything. But unfortunately, has he council meetings to sit through.
Merlin helped him get ready for the meetings and before he exits the door was, he pulled into a firm hug from Merlin.
The walked to the council room was in Arthur's humble opinion over to soon. Arthur could not bring it in himself to make eye contact with his father. He sat at his normal place, when he was asked something he would answer, but he never really gave an answer.
The hours drag by slowly.
When the last meeting finished, had Arthur just standing there, unsure if he should say something to his father. When Uther made his why over to his son, everything in Arthur screamed to run. To beg for forgiveness. But no words passed over his lips.
Uther did not wait to say anything. A brisk how are you was in the air. Arthur froze at the question. He did not want to answer it. "Arthur, I know this mean more than likely nothing to you now. But I am proud of you. And I do love you, even if I don't show it." There was a note of pleading in his voice, but Arthur just turned around and left the room.
How long did he wished he would hear those words? He did so many misdeeds to appease his father, and never did he say he cared about him or that he loved him, but now he does? Arthur did not notice where he was heading. His mind lost in thought.
When he reaches the edge of the citadel he turned around and slowly made his why back to his room.
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