Chapter 19
The change in the atmosphere doesn't escape Sergei's attention. It seems that Yue-lung and Sing started to talk again, and he wonders about what could have brought such progress. It may be that Yue-lung simply came to the right conclusions... but Sergei finds it hard to believe, especially with someone like Sing Soo-ling, a man of action, being the other party in the relationship. Besides, Sing would have never just settled for Sergei's advice.
Yue-lung got out of the dejection of the last weeks. His appetite improved, his level of activity raised, and he started to smile. For his part, Sing seems to be in some haze, and a bundle of nerves - neither of that fits him, but apparently it must be so. Occasionally, Sergei catches the glances Sing casts at Yue-lung when the latter isn't looking; they usually make him avert his eyes and smile.
On the one hand, Sergei is amazed that of them two it is Sing who noticed first their relationship could be deeper they ever assumed... but, on the other hand, the boy has always been smarter and, frankly speaking, more normal. It's hard to expect something like that of Yue-lung, whose understanding of feelings other than hatred is very poor. For now, it seems that the young mafia boss accepted Sing's friendship, which is good, and what is to come will come.
It takes Sergei a while to realize he supports the two young men in their relationship. Maybe this support is a token of gratitude because, after half a year, he's aware that getting involved in their affairs enabled him to think of something else than Ash. Yue-lung and Sing, with their emotions and feelings, remind him only of life and serve as a counterweight to sadness and regret caused by death. If Sergei has stayed in the Caribbean, he would have likely been still mourning and grieving, hopeless and apathetic. He probably wouldn't be able to smile again. He would have lost faith there was still some good in the world.
Yue-ling and Sing made him believe once more in the power of a bond. That's why he keeps his 'adolescent counseling corner', reveals the harmless secrets and plays a cupid, although there wasn't a word about it in his contract. Maybe it's that part of his that could never walk away from the wronged children, without, at the very least, an urge to help... or maybe it's that damn knowledge that if nothing is done, the end result will be a destruction. Suffice it to say that when he realized Sing Soo-ling may be the only person capable of saving Lee Yue-lung, he decided to step in. Those two would probably do well without him, too, but once he's here, he can make himself useful. Sometimes an outsider can see more, especially one knowledgeable about psychology... Or maybe he's trying to push the responsibility on Sing again, which is the most probable option.
When he looks at the two Chinese boys, he sometimes wonder if Ash and Eiji would be like them if they had got their chance. Oh, each of them is different, their characters and tempers are different, as is or was the dynamics of their respective relationships, but it's not about comparing the people. Sergei just wants to imagine that, if Eiji had taken Ash to Japan, then Ash would have been able to cut himself off from his past and just enjoy that new and peaceful reality, devoid of suffering. Even though sometimes such visions make him sad, it's still better than consoling himself with statement, 'At least, Ash died a happy man.' He hopes that Yue-lung and Sing will be happy in life.
Soo-ling is under the impression he's the happiest man under the sun, although he has no idea what he did to deserve that. Yue-lung's offer - and the vision of being able to touch again that wonderful hair - almost sent him to heaven. He had no courage to ask why Yue-lung suggested it - maybe he feared the proposal to be taken back once thought over - so he only nodded.
After five minutes, he was sitting on the coach behind Yue-lung's back with a comb in his hand... and a fresh realization he had no idea about doing somebody's hair. Yue-lung didn't consider it a problem and made him his royal hairdresser whose hands he's been giving himself into since then every morning. They started with combing, then Soo-ling learned how to bind and pin, and then also how to braid hair - and he's apparently good at it as he sometimes even gets a praise. What he considers the greatest success, though, is that he's dropped the comb only a few times; he's so excited he's trembling all over.
He quickly finds out that he's not satisfied with combing alone. Handling Yue-lung's hair makes him want much more. Sometimes he dares to briefly touch his shoulder or brush his fingers against his nape or ear, as if accidentally. He's intoxicated by the scent of Yue-lung's hair, but he would also like to know how his skin smells. He often must stop himself from leaning over and kiss his neck, especially the left side, around the tattoo.
He knows he's not allowed to do it. He mustn't cross the line, not now that he's managed to win Yue-lung's trust again. He knows that if he breached that barrier, then not only would he lost everything but also do damage beyond repair, maybe even cause a tragedy, while the only thing he desires it that Yue-lung is happy. So he's not going to imagine what may be or be not between the two of them. It must be like Yue-lung wants it. What Soo-ling desires himself is of less importance.
The strongest emotion in him is still that boundless affection, and it's only it he admits in the daytime, keeping his hormones in check. At night, he allows himself to experience more. In his dreams, he holds Yue-lung in his arms and makes every part of his body his own, as if trying to say, 'You are mine,' and Yue-lung lets him... and only him.
Sometimes he wonders how long he will hold up, settling for what he has without reaching for more. Not every time he's able to answers that as long as it takes. Yet, he never wonders about these feelings and desires, as if they were the most natural and welcome... as if Lee Yue-lung were born only to be their object. Soo-ling would like to give him everything and even more, what's unclear about that?
The only thing spoiling his euphoria is that Blanca apparently guessed everything. From time to time, the guy gives Soo-ling meaningful smiles, sometimes nods to him when Yue-lung is not looking, and sometimes gives him a thumb up as if showing his support. Soo-ling wishes that he went back to the Caribbean already, and has no idea how he's going to tolerate staying with him under the same roof until summer, as the contract was extended by six months. But there's no other way than to put up with it.
Yue-lung discovered it was worth waiting. Ah, it's not like he's been exactly waiting; he's just happy that this time Sing was persuaded into this. Such long hair like his is quite hard to be handled by himself, and he's still pretty weak after the long disease. Sing, which is typical of him, applies himself to the task and even seems to enjoy it. Yue-lung has no idea what got into him making that offer - maybe because he noticed Sing seemed like really wanting to do it, haha...
In truth, he's very happy that they are back to normal, if it can be put this way. However, he knows that, had it been not for that moment that happened quite by a chance, the two of them would have still been in discord, like they had been since the last fall. And yet, when that moment happened... Yue-lung was indeed napping on the coach but suddenly waked up, and when he opened his eyes, he noticed Sing... and realized he hadn't even looked at him since very long. But what amazed him the most was Sing's expression at that time. It wasn't irritation or dissatisfaction, it wasn't curiosity or determination, emotions Yue-lung often saw in him. That time his face was full of delight, longing and even a pained happiness... and all of that was caused by him, Lee Yue-lung.
The strangest thing about it was that those new emotions didn't scare him, even though he feared the changes, especially in Sing. Yet, in those new emotions Yue-lung didn't sense any danger; it's the opposite, he felt they were good and could save their friendship, strained by the previous months. That's why, instead of getting hysterical, he mustered his courage and made an offer that, as it appears, threw a brigde between Sing and him. Since then, Yue-lung can't stop feeling amazed that he's actually managed to built something.
In March, he finally recovered fully; he got his strength back, and spring invigorated him. By that time, Sing learned how to handle three different types of comb and make five different types of braids; he has very skilled fingers. Yue-lung enjoys these morning treatments in his hands... and every day his sense of security grows, despite Sing getting bigger all the time. Blanca's words about Sing growing into his better version sound more and more convincing.
One day in mid-March, Yue-lung realizes his life turned tolerable enough that he has no reason to complain. Blanca cares abut his physical safety, while Sing guarantees his psychological well-being. His mood is quite okay, and he even sleeps better, although it may as well result from the disease. In any case, his nightmares aren't as frequent as before, and he usually sleeps until morning. He even has an appetite.
He started to take interest in his surroundings and go out. For now, these are visits to the opera, philharmonic hall and theatre; it seems to him he's neglected his cultural growth, having secluded himself at home for so long. It wasn't particularly hard to convince Sing to accompany him, although persuading him into putting on an appropriate garment did demand some effort. It's probably when Yue-lung sees him wearing a suit for the first time that he realizes Sing's face started to lose its roundness. His features sharpened, and his lips became more determined. Together with that deep voice that comes from him more and more often, Sing is a novelty that, however, no longer scares him; it's the opposite, Yue-lung is more and more certain he really likes it. Only Sing's gaze is like it's always been: bright, honest, warm... although Yue-lung realizes that recently their eyes hardly ever meet.
Yet, the longer the nice situation continues, the more Yue-lung - how typical of him - starts to fear it's going to end. Instead of feeling more certain and building hope inside, he begins to wonder what may go wrong and when his happiness will be shattered to pieces. It requires great courage to speak of happiness, in the first place - maybe that's why he's so concerned about it. Finally, he reaches that stage that he expects the disaster every day, turning into a bundle of nerves, although this time he does his best to contain it, as Sing has already got his share of his bad mood...
And then he reaches another stage: let that disaster come already, so that he could go back to familiar state of being unhappy and things being so bad that they at least couldn't be worse.
And the disaster happens indeed, one spring evening, after dinner the three of them have. Blanca stumbles as if he's dizzy after having too much wine, bumping into Yue-lung and pushing him right at Sing. Sing reacts instinctively and catches him in his arms, but the impact is so strong that they both fell on the carpet. That is, Sing falls, and Yue-lung lands atop of him.
Blanca is muttering words of apology mixed with a comment about growing old and needing to go back into retirement, but Yue-lung isn't listening to him. First, he tries to figure out what has just happened to send him from standing position onto the floor. Then he realizes he's half-lying with his face pressed against Sing's chest and still held by him. He doesn't feel any pain, so he hasn't hurt himself. He tries to get up, doesn't want to crush Sing with his weight, which provokes a quiet moan, although Sing is perfectly still underneath him.
"Did you get hurt?" Yue-lung asks in apprehension, looking at him.
Their faces are very close, and that's probably why Sing averts his eyes. "No..." he says in a hoarse voice.
His hands clasps Yue-lung's shoulders and appear to be trembling. He seems to be trembling all over, his breathing is quick, and his face is red. Yue-lung wants to ask what's happening and what has happened, since it's obvious Sing doesn't feel well... but then he becomes aware of a hard bulge pressing against his hip, and everything starts to make sense, although, at the same time, it doesn't, as he's overwhelmed by the realization his world has just begun to crumble and the last protection he could trust is gone now.
Sing is turned on and desires him.
Yue-lung feels as if all blood has drained from his face. First he freezes, like a mouse in a trap, to move away from Sing and jump up to his feet in the very next second. His throat is clenching as if he's going to suffocate, and his lips start quivering. His eyes are wide, but his head is spinning so much he can't see clearly.
"I'm sorry...!" Sing calls in a breaking voice, getting up as well. "I didn't want..."
Yue-lung puts his hands forwards, showing to stay away from him. Then he turns around and runs out of the dining-room as fast as he can, to the stairs, up the stairs, to his bedroom, to slam the door shut and hide under the bedcover because he's horrified, confused and wishes it was only a dream that he would wake from. If it were a dream, it would be one of those less scary, but as reality it's so frightening that Yue-lung can't imagine anything worse.
He wanted the disaster to come, but now he wants to turn back time and berates himself for being so careless, for not giving a hoot about what might follow. To know that Sing, the only person he's accepted into his life and trusted and learned not to fear... that Sing wants something else - desires his body - shatters all sense of security he's managed to build and almost drives him insane. He's sitting on the bed, shivering all over; he must clench his jaws so that his teeth wouldn't chatter. He feels like crying because the feeling of loss is too painful, too severe. He didn't want to get attached as he knew how painful it would be to lose...
Sing is just like everyone else.
Yue-lung can't imagine what he's going to do. His reality has been stretched on Sing, who entered his life with all guns blazing and unnoticeably became his main support. Without that support everything will have to collapse. 'Oh Sing, why...? Why did it have to be you...?' he asks, pulling his knees up and digging his fingers in his flesh, but he can't really feel any pain or even touch, as if he's retreated deep inside himself, turning into a small, shapeless cloud of emotions, moving confusedly in darkness, surrounded only by fear.
"I'm sorry," comes from behind the door, bringing him back to life, filling him with new terror and making him shiver again. No knocking, no steps, no sounds, only that voice that won't stop and he has to listen to it, although it's oddly distorted to his ears. "I'm sorry for that. It should've never happened, and I feel terrible that it did. I know that whatever I say won't change anything... that I can't make you feel better. I would promise... I promise it won't happen again... but I don't think you'll ever want to see me again. Of course, I'll leave this room, I'll move downstairs. And then, if you decide that, I'll move out of this house.
"I'm sorry I scared you. Despite all I knew about you... despite all you experienced... It shouldn't have happened. I did my best so that it wouldn't happen. I controlled myself all this time. Know this, I never thought of doing anything to you, doing anything against your will. Never. You don't have to be scared of me... but I know it's easy to say. I only want you to know that. I'm aware it's not only about that... but about losing your trust, too. I feel terrible about that, I really do.
"I could say it's just hormones. That at my age my body just reacts to any stimulus. But I would be telling excuses that couldn't repair anything, so I'd rather be honest. I can't stop thinking of you, it's been going on weeks, and I... Yeah, I want to... you know what. But it's not that I just desire... your body. You're the most important person to me, and I'd never want to leave you, I'd like to stay with you, so much... so close it's only possible. I've never felt that about anybody before... I guess it scares you, I don't know why I'm saying this, myself. I only want to apologize to you, I can't do anything else. I don't want you to think I could ever want to hurt you. It's the opposite, it's because I-..."