Chapter 18 — See You Later

Its early morning and Zeke opened his eyes in a haze. He felt like he had a hangover except he didn't drink. His head was pounding. He turns and sees Michaela asleep. Looks outside and notices the snow falling so peacefully.

He makes his way closer to Michaela. Slowly placing his arm around her and feels her warmth. She opens her eyes and turns to look at him and places her head on his chest and they stay in the moment snuggled in each other's arms.

After about an hour, Zeke gets up and lets Michaela sleep.

He puts on a pair of jeans, a long sleeve, a warm sweater, and his hiking boots. He wants to make coffee and go out and take a walk in the snow. Clear his head and work out in his heart what he wants to write in the letter to Zoe. He can still feel Zoe. He writes a note to Michaela so when she wakes up she's not wondering where he's at: "Hey love, I'm out for a walk. Should be back soon! Love you, Z (P.S. its 6:55am in case you want to know how long I've been gone.)"

He lays the note on his pillow and walks out the door.

(Listen to We're Losing the Moon by Slow Meadow)

He breathes in the cold, brisk air. It fills his lungs and he lets out a long sigh. Last night, when he was researching about grief, he read somewhere that grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. He wondered if there was some sort of a time table for familiarity. Cause for him and Michaela, they didn't have the baby for very long.

He had a small backpack and his backpacker coffee mug with him. He looked at his watch, it was 7:00 am. The snow was falling. It was so silent you could hear the snow falling on the ground. He heard Zoe's voice again in his head, "Hi dad, see I'm ok!"

He placed his beanie over his head and started to walk. He didn't know where he would go he just knew he had to walk. He walked until he saw a stream near the Treehouse.

There was a huge boulder rock next to is and he removed the snow that covered it and sat there. He sat for some time staring at the stream until he finally felt like he could write his letter.

Michaela slowly wakes up. She notices that Zeke is not next to her. She sees the note he left her and reads it. She smiles and sits up on the bed and looks outside and sees that its snowing pretty heavily. She looks at the clock on the night stand and it says its 8:00 am. She thinks about the letter. What words should she say about a baby she didn't get to really know yet the pain of the loss was so deep for her.

She goes and grabs a cup of coffee Zeke made and looks for a piece of paper and pen and she starts to write.

After a good while Zeke gets back to the treehouse and is shivering cold. Michaela had made a fire knowing he would probably appreciate it by the time he got back.

"Hey!" Michaela says as Zeke walks through the front door.

"Hey! How did you sleep?" Visibly cold, he heads over to the fireplace.

Michaela gets up to help him get his jacket off and says, "I slept better when you got closer to me." Zeke kisses her.

"You're so cold Zeke." She rubs her hands on his arms to help warm him up. Grabbing a wool blanket she wraps it around him.

"Sorry I was gone for so long. I didn't realize the time. Once I did I got back as soon as I could. Its really bad out there. Looks like we are here until this storm passes."

"Yeah I was a little bit worried about you being out there. How was your walk?"

"It was good. I wrote my letter."

"Yeah I wrote mine too. I'll follow your lead with this."

"Well why don't we just do this together." He opens his arms and wrapped Michaela inside the blanket with him.

"Yeah that sounds good! Do you want something warm to drink? It will help get you warm."

"Maybe in a minute. Right now I just want to have you near me."

"Ok!"

The snowfall is not letting up and Zeke decides to check the weather app again. Looks like they are for sure stuck for the evening. He's thinking its not gonna be safe to try and drive back today. "So are you ready for this? We can do this inside or out. I don't really care where we do it."

Michaela looks outside and sees how white and magical it is. "Lets do it outside. Maybe skip the fire and keep the one we have inside going."

"Yeah good idea."

They both get ready to head outside with their letters.

(Listen to Lonesome Summer - Bonus Track by Slow Meadow)

Zeke heads on outside and Michaela follows.

Michaela unsure of the process and dreading the moment.

"How do we do this Zeke?" Zeke puts his arm around her, "Together Mick! We do this together. And I believe Zoe will help us."

Michaela looks down at the envelope where she placed the letter in. She starts to get it out, unfolding it, and ironically it's how her heart feels. Like an open gap. She stares at the words.

Zeke observes her and asks, "You want me to go first?"

"No I can do this. I just need a minute."

Michaela starts:

"Dear Zoe,

I don't really know how to even begin to write this letter to you. It's unfair really. But I have to believe that this is all for a reason. And at the same time the last thing I want to do is say goodbye to you. I'm not really ready. And those aren't the words I want to say to you."

Michaela looks up at the sky as the snow falls on her face she closes her eyes and tears start to fall. She looks down to the letter and continues to read….

"Seeing you so free and happy was good for me. Your laughter made the pain a little bit less. And I'm so glad you got to see your dad. Isn't he the best?! His smile is your smile. His eyes are your eyes. His name, your name. You have all the best parts of him and more.

Your dad and I ache for you. More than words can express. We aren't sure how long the ache will be there, but even when it fades you won't ever fade from our hearts. You brought light and life into our lives. I so desperately wanted you. So I won't say goodbye, cause I know I will see you again. Say hi to your grandmother for me. I miss you both so much. Love you Zoe girl. Your mom, Michaela"

(Listen to Palemote by Olafur Arnalds)

Zeke takes out his letter from his back packet.

Zeke clears his throat and stares at the letter for a few seconds before he begins. His voice shaking:

"Zoe. My...sweet...Zoe." He smiles as he says her name. "When I heard we were having you I was scared. I wasn't sure I would be any good at parenting. But your mom made me see otherwise. This letter is a goodbye letter. But I don't want to say goodbye. I want to say see you later.

Seeing you running towards me, I felt the sheer force of your love for me. Oh how I wish you could be here today with us. But I know you're safe and sound. Laughing and dancing in the field of white flowers. With the sun on your face and the wind on your back. Free with no more pain.

Your mom and I will miss you but we will never forget you. You are life, and you brought a lot of love to us, even in the short time you were with us. We grieve but not without hope that we will see you again. Say hi to Chloe for me. Love you my sweet baby girl Zoe. I'll be seeing you later."

Zeke takes a deep breath after he finishes and stares off into the distance, holds Michaela's hand as he starts to sing the same lullaby his dad used to sing him when he was little. His voice cracking through it: "Frosty winter into spring, sunny summer into fall, I will love you through them all..."