If The Cold Can't Stop Her

By: SheAlwaysDies

*this story has content related to self harm and abuse*

Her magic had been so calm today Elsa didn't know what to make of it. She knew she had drained herself at the Ice Reserves but this lazy feeling in her body was lasting longer than she thought it would. Her magic had been so quiet during a bit of a rollercoaster day. It had spoken up against Gerda but settled easily at her command and had not a single protest about Anna's whitening hair. The only time she had felt her power at regular force was when Anna had been touching her.

Elsa's magic was never so fuzzy during landmark days of her life. Elsa had put so much importance on this day, by putting off confronting her sister, she had expected to have to constantly be fighting to right the course of her ice. She had expected to feel at odds with herself. She felt heavy, but not in her usual way. It wasn't her magic holding her down, it was as if she was just coated in sadness. She felt like she had bounds of energy and after she exerted them, she was immoble.

She felt like she had wasted much of her time with Anna unable to move, unable to find her voice. She was paralyzed in fear. It almost felt like without her magic urging her forward she was incapable of acting. She had had no choice when Tarik had been waiting up for her. She used whatever she had left in her reserve to fall into her role. It was one of the easiest things she did all day. He made it easy for her, with his soft eyes she felt like she had nothing to lose to him. Ot barely mattered since whether she liked it or not, she had to give him everything eventually anyways.

The most draining part of her interaction with Tarik was that Anna was right to her. She was watching Elsa sell herself out, she was watching Elsa betray her. It made Elsa feel weak. It felt so good for Anna to grab her hand and take her further away from the councilman. Elsa wished that the way back to her room was an infinite journey. She rathered to live her life with no end in sight, if she was just holding onto Anna. Anna was squeezing her hand and as she put Tarik down the pressure escalated.

The Princess let go to enter Elsa's suite. The Queen's power was so quiet. Like if it was letting her make a move without its influence for the first time in her life. She just froze in place, even without any ice locking her down, she couldn't move. Anna had to speak to her back. Elsa loved and hated everything the Princess was saying.

Please help me, Elsa asked her magic. She dropped the temperature to try to lure it out but it wasn't coming. She was on her own. Weak. tired and warm, Elsa had to answer Anna when she said, "I want you to marry me."

"Anna," Elsa tried to speak softly. Her heart was pumping the fight reflex into her veins, and Elsa was begging her body to respond to it. She turned around and continued, "I love you. I love holding your hand. But no love, you were right to add the disclaimer, that would be crazy. You know we can't. I can't marry you."

"No Elsa." Anna said, her confidence returning a bit even after having received a no. "I've been thinking about it a lot and I think we can do this. I really don't think it's so impossible."

"Anna I don't want to entertain this. I know neither of us want to think about tomorrow. We've avoided talking about it because it's hard. We can't drain ourselves with this conversation. It isn't going to go anywhere." Elsa moved herself further into the room and sat down at the edge of the bed. She felt like her knees were going to give out at any moment.

"I just don't think we should write it off. We've run out of time thinking we can't be together fully," Anna said as she followed her sister. She kneeled down in front of her and placed her body in between Elsa's legs. She took the blonde's hands in hers and looked up into her eyes. "So this is our moment."

"Anna that's far past optimism and into delusion." Elsa was feeling a bit stronger off her feet. With that strength came her frustration and desperation. It was building fast.

"No it's not. I think I have it figured out." Anna gave Elsa's hands a little shake, like she was pleading to be listened to, but Elsa knew she had to squash this line of thinking.

"Really? You figured out how two sisters can rule a kingdom as wives? How many people of confidence have you run this by? Did you ask your boyfriend what he might think? Because this would drive even good people mad." Elsa countered. She felt her bile start to rise as she saw Anna's hopeful expression crack.

"Elsa? That's a little harsh. Why don't you hear me out? I have talked to people about it." Elsa felt so deflated for her poor sister. She hadn't wanted to tell the Princess about her encounter with Gerda but it was a lesson Anna had to learn. Elsa pulled her hands back, breaking their connection.

"If you think that that's harsh then I can assure you this conversation isn't going to end well. Gerda was full of contempt for me this morning when she told me to leave you alone. So what do you expect?" Elsa should have known to expect her sister to be resilient. She had said she was feeling like her older self, that came with a reinforced stubbornness.

"That you say yes. I really thought you were done with hiding. I don't understand why you are going through with marrying that man." Anna said. She used Elsa's knees to boost herself to standing.

"Gods you aren't really suggesting that I don't. Because you seem relentlessly unhappy with our current arrangement. What else am I supposed to do?" Anna was running her hands through her hair. She was deflating but she wasn't ready to give up. She didn't have to think about what to answer.

"You know exactly what I think Elsa. I don't think the Kingdom will condemn us. Yes, okay, Gerda was being protective. But she told me no matter the case she would stand with us. Everyone knows we share true love. Like seriously, how can you be so against it when our love has been proven in front of the entire Kingdom? Everyone bore witness to our act of true love. How can another test scare you?" Anna spoke with so much conviction that she was even pounding her fist in her hand. Elsa had to go in for the kill.

"Oh I'm not scared Anna. I've told you I'm terrified. You think everything is so simple. But it doesn't matter now many people we win over. It's the ones that we can't that we have to be afraid of." This was something Elsa hoped would resonate with the Princess. They had just carted away a man that exploited their relationship. Elsa couldn't imagine what they would need to do to deal with people like Prince Hans.

"Oh Anna, you wouldn't understand. You're beloved. You've never had anyone look at you with anything but admiration. People don't turned their back on you. No one has ever looked at you like you're a monster. But we are sisters Anna. Nothing will make people turn on you faster." Elsa rose to her feet as she spoke. Her voice had lost any compassion and came out harsher than Elsa had even intended it to.

"That's not true Elsa. I only ever saw your back growing up." Elsa flinched at Anna's retort. But the defensive Princess softened. "But I'm here. It took work but here we are. Together."

"This isn't together Anna." Elsa got in Anna's face. It stung to have her captivity used against her. "You're right I'm done with hiding. I don't want to be with you half way anymore. That's why I picked Tarik. There was a moment when I thought I could have what you have with Kristoff. That there was someone I could share a life with. That I could satisfy the council with a million little heirs. And on top of that he has rooted interest in Arendelle. Yes, Tarik just wants to rule. And he's a lot like his father. But he can move mountains for this kingdom. I think that I actually trust him."

"That wouldn't matter if you picked me. I'm all those things. I'm more." Anna was crying now. Her tears fell freely and her body went from combative to dispirited.

"I am picking you Anna." Elsa said. She softened and reached out to her sister. She put her hands on her shoulders and gave her a slight shake. "I pick you Anna. I'm getting married. I am giving Arendelle a King. And then, and then, I'm going to disappear. I want you to follow."

"What?" Anna looked at Elsa through her tears, her green yes were more intense with the salty tears taking in the light. She was obviously taken aback. She shook her head, her loose hair whipped around a bit. Elsa had finally said it. She'd finally put it out there. Her biggest dream, her biggest desire. She heard Anna swallow hard.

"We've never talked about this." Anna said. She was shaking her head again. She stepped out of Elsa's reach. "No. You wouldn't leave. This is our home. This place houses all our memories. We can't make that elsewhere. We can't take that with us."

"Oh trust me the scars I have from this place follow me everywhere I go." Elsa spat out. She had heard it right. Within seconds of exposing herself, Anna was saying no. Her magic awoke. Finally feeling the gravity of this conversation. Had it been dormant because Elsa never really thought Anna would refuse her?

"Elsa, that's not fair. You know this place is more than that. You know we can't just run away. What are you even thinking?" Anna thought what Elsa wanted was as unfathomable just as Elsa thought getting married was. Elsa had thought leaving Arendelle was easier. It hurt less people. It was obtainable and she needed to believe it still was. She had to change Anna's mind.

"I'm thinking that I can't protect us here. But somewhere else I can make a home. I can take care of you. I can fight whoever dares to question us. Our relationship has been at danger of surfacing since day one. It's been a week and we are already falling through the cracks. At any turn we can be found out." These were Elsa's best reasons still Anna was shaking her head again.

"We don't have to be afraid of that if we get ahead of it. We can come out in front of it and have some control." Elsa would have laughed if she wasn't so crestfallen. Control was not something you could just get. You had to fight wars for it.

"Anna. We are women. We are sisters. We are royalty. That wouldn't end in anything but our deaths. How do you spin that? How do you get in front of that?" Elsa didn't even know why she bothered to pose the question. Was the only way she could change her sister's mind to obliterate her dream also?

"It's true love Elsa. How do you blind yourself to that? No one can say it is not. You are Queen. You act like you would be powerless." Anna's fight had been reinvigorated. Elsa took in a deep breath. She hated herself already.

"Shut up Anna. You know what can't be denied. True love or not?" This time when she reached out to her sister took by the wrists and pulled her in close. She brought her lips into Anna, letting her words come out at her right by the jugular.

"That you're sick. What you do to me is disgusting. You're a pervert and you need to be stopped before you spread your depravity to your subjects. You are a monster little sister." Anna tried to pull away as she shed even more sorrow from her emerald eyes. But Elsa pressed into her skin more deeply. She could even feel her fingers dig into the Princess's bones.

"Please don't say that about us Elsa," her voice was broken up by her sobs. Elsa let her go, and Anna immediately whiplashed. She hugged herself as she cried.

"You won't go. You'd subject your home to the instability of having its Queen and Princess removed from power with no bloodline. Arendelle would rage against itself." Elsa stated, the fight in her was dying now. Her power was awake but it was skittering around inside her, like if it was looking for a way out. It wanted to break free of Elsa and find its way inside the Princess. As painful as it was, Elsa held it back. Last time she had let her power lash out like that she'd struck her little sister in the heart.

"That's not what would happen. I know it." Anna said to herself more than to Elsa.

"Ah. Whatever. This is stupid. It doesn't matter because we are never going to find out. I won't do it Anna. I won't. So if you're telling me you won't leave this place and we can't keep on hiding. Then it's over." Elsa's powers settled in her stomach and pressed it further down inside of her.

"No. It can't be. No Elsa it's not." Anna defended.

"Enough Anna. I'm done. I'm marrying Tarik. He's going to be in my bed now. There's nowhere for us to hide anymore." If this was the end then Elsa wanted it to just be over. She put some more distance between her and her sister and tried to catch her breath. Anna was looking at her expectantly, but Elsa knew she couldn't go to her.

"You had to know this is where we were going to end up or you would have never slept with Kristoff?" The words alone built up Elsa's bitterness. What other things could she say to get her sister to give up?

"No." Anna said brokenly.

"It's okay Anna. You will have a pretty little life left over after all this is done." There was a small piece of darkness inside of Elsa telling her Anna would be fine. Her reaction to Elsa's plan meant she valued a pile of stones more than she cared about her sister. It meant Anna cared more about blood rights than she did their love.

"No. No. I say no to you. You can't leave me. I will tell everyone. I will stand up in that church tomorrow and I will tell them all that you are mine." Anna wanted to push at Elsa's buttons but The Queen was done.

"Okay fine. I will make sure to wear black tomorrow instead."Elsa had been serious at the start of her sentence but she had given up. As she spoke her lips slightly upturned.

"That's not funny. I'm serious." Anna crossed her arms at the comment and Elsa felt delirious as she admired how cute the redhead was. It wasn't the time but she didn't see the point of arguing anymore.

"It's a little funny. Come on love. Can we just stop. Come with me to bed. We really don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to miss this chance. Let's—"

"No. No you don't get to say goodbye to me. This isn't over. Wear your stupid black Elsa because I rather be dead." Anna pushed past the Queen and stormed off. Suddenly they were sisters on the opposite side of the door again. The door slamming shut vibrated in her head. Her ears started ringing. As she started at the closed door Elsa felt indifferent. She felt like for the first time in her life she couldn't bring herself to care about anything on the other side.

Elsa knew she was a dam waiting to break. There wasn't much time left in her that she would feel numb to what had just happened. So with light treds, so as not to break, she walked into her closet. She made herself the stoic Queen she portrayed outside the walls of her bedroom as she went over to the section of her dressing room that homed her mother's gowns. She knelt down and reached for a box, from inside she pulled out a soft leather whip.

The first of her emotions started to rear. It was anticipation. Elsa commanded her dress to fully vanish, and she crawled into the centre of the room. The Queen stayed on her knees but sat up right. At that moment, if she could have been granted to change anything about the past, Elsa would assure her father's survival. His pain was so much more tolerable than this.

She gave herself a lash and screamed out because of how unsatisfactory it was. She tried at it again but whipping it onto her back over her shoulder didn't give it enough speed. The sting gave her no deliverance. Again and harder, but it still wasn't what she needed. She yelled out in frustration as she tried a fourth time. Her skin was already raw and it almost did the trick. The fifth time felt so good it caused her to fall forward. But she needed more than good ache, more than relief. That sensation of the lash was too fleeting. On the sixth time she froze the leather and she relished in the sound it made when it ripped open the skin.

"To ten," she said to herself, and she repeated the motion quickly again and again until the count reached her threshold. She could feel the wet roll down her back and she allowed the skin to pulsate in pain for a good while before she knew she had to ice up the wound. Tomorrow was her wedding day, she couldn't allow the skin to break open in front of the Kingdom. She curled up into herself and focused on what was next.

Maybe when she was on her back for Tarik at night it would feel good for her wound to have his weight on it. She let her excitement for it build up, maybe it would hurt to be with Tarik, maybe she could welcome that. She fell into the darkness of sleep hoping it could be true.

There were no windows in Elsa's closet, so when she woke up she had no idea what time it could be. She'd coated the entire room with ice in her sleep and for a moment she considered not getting up and just staying sealed in this room. Her death wouldn't move anyone too deeply, except for Anna of course. So she got up.

When she flicked the ice away it retreated slowly. Elsa cursed that her magic was still depleted. She decided to ice the skin she'd broken the night prior and refrain from using her magic all day. It was important she be sparse in case she had to wield her power under duress. The Queen didn't foresee there to be anything to worry about. She hadn't taken Anna's threat seriously. The redhead would likely be standing on her required mark during the ceremony. Even if Anna antagonised throughout the whole thing, by choosing to remain in Arendelle, the Princess had aligned herself with the Kingdom over Elsa. Creating a scene would go against that.

Elsa threw on a robe without even checking on her laceration. She grabbed the heels her mother had worn at her wedding, and left her suite. A young maid was waiting outside of Elsa's room, and the way she lagged to react to the door opening told Elsa she had been waiting for the Queen a long while.

"Your Majesty, good morrow. I've been assigned to escort you directly to the dressing rooms," the girl said. Elsa didn't respond. She just made her way down the hallway and told herself to look at Anna's door as she passed by. The castle was over stimulated with action. In every direction someone was in a rush. Not a single person lacked purpose. The maid leading Elsa was shuffling along quickly, and having to constantly stop and wait for Elsa to catch up. Nothing could move Elsa to go any faster. The maid opened the door for Elsa and only half bowed before running off to do whatever other pressing task.

"Gods child," Gerda said as she saw Elsa enter. The room was crawling with at a dozen or so staff. Three people were hunched over a bouquet of flowers and Elsa's favourite seamstresses had nearly doubled themselves. They each barely had space to hold the different parts of Iduna's gown.

"I feared you weren't coming," Geda said under her breath as she approached Elsa. Elsa was sluggish as she padded to her spot on the pedestal. Before she stepped up Gerda reached up at her face and pressed her fingers down at her cheeks.

"Elsa, you aren't yourself right now. Fix that now or you will be a spectacle soon." The woman chided. Elsa rolled her head back. She let it hang, all of her felt heavy. The only relief she had was about how much she refused to care. The Queen had won over the attention of everyone in the room. No one had their eyes on the work they were pushing themselves to achieve only moments ago.

"It's too many people," Elsa complained and a few pairs of eyes left her. It wasn't the relief she thought it would be. She was still stagnant.

"Alright, everyone out," Gerda called and those who could take their work shuffled to cart it all off and others hesitated to leave it behind.

"Let me get you in this gown and then we will bring every one in," Gerda said as she pulled at Elsa's robe. The Queen let it come off. She watched the head maid try not to react as she took in the mess Elsa had made of herself. Gerda averted her eyes and reached for cloth. She soaked at the sinks and washed Elsa's back. She did so gently but when she was done she moved hastily to get the Queen dressed. Elsa let Gerda push her limbs around. If the woman told her to lift, shuffle or move, Elsa did it. Soon the wedding dress was hanging off of her body and the head maid busied herself with lacing up the corset.

"You're doing the right thing Elsa," Gerda said as she pulled at the ties. Elsa was doing her best to hold in her breath. "You're lucky your mother was very sensible. Looks like her gown will cover whatever you've done to yourself here. You have five minutes to stop crying and wash up. I have a girl coming in to paint your face."

"Yes Gerda," Elsa said. She hadn't even felt herself tear up. Was that why everyone was looking at her before?

"It's not the end of the world my dear. It's the start of one." Gerda added as if she regretted having been brash. Elsa just shrugged.

"Yes Gerda," she said again. The woman reached out to touch Elsa but changed her mind halfway and left the room to give Elsa her time. The Queen walked over to the sinks and splashed herself. She used every second Gerda had allotted to sob. When the turn knob turned she put on her mask and allowed the frenzy of people to put their hands on her. It felt like time passed so slowly, as Elsa stared at the door. As more staff finished their work, the group thinned. Until just a small team of people finished the Queen's hair and pinned the veil.

Once they were done, they bowed deeply to the Queen, and then left her alone. Elsa knew she didn't have much time until she would be ushered to the chapel. She just sat, staring at the door, thinking about nothing but it. She was pretty good at it, it was the only thing she felt she knew how to do. A member of the guard escorted her. The moment she was at his side, time went from moving slowly to feeling like the rug was getting pulled out from under her. The guard stopped Elsa at the large chapel doors and for a moment she was alone.

Elsa lost all ability to hear as a piercing sound started ringing in her ears. It sounded off like an alarm but Elsa could tell she was the only one who could hear it. The doors swung open and the choir swelled. Their hymn bloated the air, and distorted the piercing sound rattling inside of her. Yet Elsa didn't let it show. It was her life's work, to conceal. It hadn't worked for her on many occasions but when she made herself Queen she could obscure any emotion.

When she caught eyes with Tarik she reminded herself of her duty. She closed herself off so she could be the woman he liked to see. By the expression on his face, Elsa could tell she was performing well. Across the way from him, Elsa saw Anna. She looked like the same unsure child she had been on coronation day, before Elsa had destroyed her. They caught eyes for a moment, and Elsa saw Anna take in a breath. The Queen had to look away. She told herself she wouldn't drop Tarik's eyes for the duration of the ceremony.

"Hey," he said lowly to the Queen as they finally met. She nodded in response and followed him to her mark. He was smiling, and with his own coat of makeup looked much younger than he actually was. It made it harder for Elsa to look at him but she doubled down.

The priest was reciting the prayers, and Elsa was relieved that during this ceremony she had very little to do. She could do it, if she just had to stand there. It was a long process and even Tarik's giddiness waned. It came back full force when they were asked to hold hands.

"You're still kind of warm." Tarik whispered in concern.

"I'm okay," Elsa answered with a shrug. Having to touch Tarik was making her have to fight back the shakes.

"The people?" Tarik asked. Yes, the people were bothering her, but this whole thing was killing her.

"Can't have another repeat of the coronation," Elsa said, she was trying to brush off the conversation.

"Or me at the gate ceremony. I won't let you run away if you don't let me fall." Tarik said with a slight smile. This seemed like the actual vow, the promise that would bind them as husband and wife instead of just as King and Queen. Elsa hated that she had no choice but to say yes.

"I won't" she answered, it was as true as she could be to him.

"I will." Tarik vowed. The priest cleared his throat. Their private conversation was definitely in his ear.

"Now promise you won't keep getting us in trouble," Tarik said with a wink. Elsa hated that she was now so incapable of loving him.

The priest cleared his voice a second time. Elsa caught on. She could feel Anna's eyes on her back. Her magic started to pull at her skin as if it was trying to yank her in her sister's direction. It was almost hard to keep her balance. But she knew she had to conceal it. It was time to repeat her vows.

Phew, we've made it to the other end of that one. Sorry guys… As always thanks for following along and reviewing. I love interacting with you all.

Guest(Comment on Chapter 24 about feisty Anna) - I won't give anything away for the ending. It's nearing though. I have about 3-4 chapters left. I might post them a little slower than every second day because I do want to get them right!

Guest(comment on chapter 24 about Tarik and Anna )- I love the image of Anna taking an axe to Elsa's door, there's a whole story right there. Could make for an awesome one-shot at least! Maybe if you let me I will use it one day!

MortisVenom- Aw now I'm all happy you're still taking time to read along. xx