Chapter 21

I startled awake, James' name on my lips as the last images of he and Harry lying dead together leaked from my mind. I took in my surroundings, still gasping for sufficient air. The cold truth seemed to pour slowly over my mind, weakened from the Dementors.

I was in an office, some teachers from the look of it. So I was still in Hogwarts. I was still alive, for some reason. Why was I? The Dementors would have finished me off, they had the permission, and the monsters weren't keen on stopping or mercy. That didn't exist for their evil kind. I could feel my middle pull, likely where Remus bit me as a dog.

I stood shakily and fumbled over myself, moving towards the window. I stared out of it for a moment, into the distance. Hopelessness fell over me, harder than anything had in a long time. There were at least five or six floors below me. If it wasn't locked maybe I could have flung myself out of them, found a better end than the Dementor's plans.

I moaned as I slid to the floor. A dry sob heaved through my chest, as the loss settled over me. I'd been so close. So close to the nearest to happiness I would ever have been able to manage. With Harry…

Harry said yes, he was excited even. Peter was going away. Remus knew, and accepted it. Forgave me. So much was always going to be missing. Yet, I almost had a life back. I had it… for one beautiful moment… and then it was all gone. Gone… gone…

Remus was somewhere in the forest, Harry… I remembered him standing close over me, between the Dementor's torments. So he was unconscious… if he was even alive. -And Peter.. I couldn't know where he'd run off to. Escaped to anywhere to be free, probably so smug… running off to his master no doubt.

I spun and slammed a fist into the wall, unable to process the pain racing from knuckles up my arms. I gave into the fears that had been threatening me. All of this… I'd gone so far… and it was for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It was all lost, Peter had won. Again. Me? I was right back where I had been twelve years ago. Just not man enough to have taken care of him, I tracked him down… I tried… and now I was going to take his crime all over again. Maybe it was me who was pathetic. What had changed? Nothing…

I could try to run, fight… but how? What was the point? It was useless. I was secured in and… likely awaiting the Dementor's fate. I slumped back to the ground, closing my eyes. I was so tired… I'd fought for a year and now it was all for nothing. Why I was still alive now was beyond me. Knowing the Ministry, they wanted to make an example of me.

None of it mattered…

The door opened, and I jumped, fear flooding through my stomach. No…. no I should have tried to get out the window. No cold came, though… no executioner to take me away to them. Instead, my eyes fell on none other than Albus Dumbledore.

It was quiet, I stared at him and he I. I knew my appearance must be pitiful, blood mixed with dirt, in strangled clothes and the weak frame I lived in. I just couldn't make myself care, even in front of a man whose respect had once meant very much to me. To all of us in the Order. Those days were long gone… and I didn't have another day left, it seemed.

I cleared my throat, finally, trying to gather my wandering thoughts enough to speak. To ask why he was still staring at me quietly.

"The kiss?" I managed to breath out, but I already knew. He glanced at me from behind those spectacles. His eyes always had seemed all knowing, but there was nothing positive in the slow nod he sent my way.

So. That was to be my end. My body shuddered violently. I was supposed to end the way I'd suffered for a decade. I'd spent years reliving every horrible moment in my life as they sucked it all out of me. Except my sad, emotionless truths of innocence. Now, even that couldn't help me.

The Kiss… that was my fate. Tortured beyond imagination while they… they stole the rest of whatever soul I was able to hide away from the beasts before. I… I just couldn't do it again. I couldn't see James that way again… hear the breaking rubble falling from the destroyed house as I shifted debris away from what had been upstairs… dreading the moment I found Lily where Hagrid had gotten Harry out of there. I couldn't see them again like that, the memory of it already half destroyed me each night. With the Dementors… it wasn't a memory so much as reliving it in every horrible detail, every feeling brand new again.

I glanced back at Albus, still standing patiently by the door. He'd always been a merciful man. I looked at him and set my jaw, determined to never see it again.

"Kill me?" I asked, wavering. I stood, then, my side and leg wobbling with the effort. "Kill me." I tried, firmer. My leg seemed to give up what strength it had and I dropped back against the wall.

He only stared at me through those spectacles.

"Why such a request?" He asked, as if it were asking how I took my tea. I'd forgotten how he was.

"I won't do it again," I whispered, my thoughts tracking over how close they'd gotten down by the lake. How weak I was… the height of my pain… of the memories. It had been so much worse after so long away from their reach. I pleaded, but they didn't respond to pleas. I wouldn't do it again. I couldn't.

If he wouldn't, I could find some way in here surely.

"Do what? Face the consequences of your actions?"

I snarled. I should have known he wouldn't see it any different than the rest. He was at my hearing after all, but I'd been so defeated. I didn't even get a proper trial. No one wanted to hear from a Black. It hadn't mattered, then. Defeat was all I knew. James was dead. Lily was dead. Their killer free. It hadn't mattered what happened to me anymore.

Now? Now I knew what that meant, the torture. Fine. I turned to look away from him, let him sit there and stare. I would die with whatever shred of dignity I had left.

"Might I make an inquiry?"

I turned despite myself to look at his calm gaze. I waved a hand in compliance. What did I have to lose?

"Why is Harry alive?"

I couldn't help but scoff, despite it being trapped in my throat. I stood, I'd have to struggle through it. Albus didn't flinch or cringe as I approached him, or look perturbed. Like everyone else had.

"Of course, you'd ask. Just like everyone else," I scowled. For some reason I thought Albus would be… different. Despite the lies out there, Albus had always seemed to have insight to everything. There was still anger left in me, apparently, as I glared at the man.

"For another reason, perhaps," Albus replied cryptically. I couldn't start to figure out what the hell he meant. I didn't know what the trick could be, but I breathed in heavily.

"Because, I would never hurt my Godson," I snapped pridefully. I'd escaped bloody Azkaban prison to find Harry and keep him safe! People could think what they would, but no one would come to my face and ask me why I hadn't killed my Godson.

Albus asking, though, relieved me. It meant Harry was alive. The Dementors hadn't gotten to him. Oh… Harry. He would have been better off never knowing. He was just going to lose someone else. Well… the thought occurred, maybe it wasn't all useless. Now he knew to look out for Peter, and he wasn't sleeping with an enemy ready to whisk him off to Voldemort.

If I died for that, maybe my life hadn't been completely useless.

"Then why come to Hogwarts, Sirius?"

I turned my head, feeling a bit dizzy with the motion, as I looked at him. Why was he still talking to me? What was his play here? It was in Albus' nature to address me so deciently but… he wouldn't have come without a purpose. Could he… suspect my innocence? Had the children said something? Why else would he come and speak to me?

I felt a sliver of hope blossom. Albus had a very high prestige, if he believed me… maybe, maybe he could figure something out.

"To protect Harry," I breathed, barely able to whisper it. I cleared my throat again, moving to lean away from the wall. "I never did it, Albus."

Albus gave me that piercing look over his glasses again, and it made me feel much younger. Finally he moved over to the desk chair and sat down at it. With a gesture he pointed to one of the two other chairs. I moved carefully to sit down and watched Albus for some key to his thoughts. I found nothing.

"Might I ask who could be responsible then?" He explained calmly, waving a long, thin hand. "You were the Potter's Secret Keeper."

"I should have been," I muttered, grasping for words.

"I can't fathom another scenario, Sirius," Albus said, eerily calm. It was unnerving. I didn't want to go all over it again, but I had to… if I had any hope he was it. Albus had no reason to believe me, though. I didn't have the bastard in hand as proof anymore.

"Wormtail," I spat. His name was poison, just like himself.

"An odd moniker." Albus mused. Oh... I had meant to say Peter. I just... slipped.

"Peter," I growled. "He was the spy... I just never…"

"Pettigrew, I presume?" Albus finished and I nodded. Who else could I even mean?

"Yes," I seethed, a fist tightening around itself. After all this, my loathing had only deepened.

"Would you care to explain?" He asked and again it unnerved me. I breathed out, tired… so tired… how many times must I relive this? It did no good before, I should have killed him. Oh, if only I'd killed him. It would have been worth it then. Even if Harry had hated me for it… did it matter? I was dying anyways.

I glanced at Albus again, errant hope still pestering me. Maybe not?

"No, but I will," I breathed in shakily. "I didn't kill them, but I'm not innocent either. I'm the reason Lily and James are dead," I started, looking at Albus. But I was too ashamed, and glanced down to my filthy hands instead.

"I was the obvious choice, who didn't know that James and I were… were as close as brothers? So I was nervous when we all decided I'd be the Secret Keeper, Albus. I wanted them safe, Harry was so young and… I doubted myself. What if they found me? Got it out of me somehow? So many people were being found… I'd never had told but… they'd all know to come after me," I paused, trying to catch my breath a little easier. It was so hard to go back mentally to that time. There had been so much fear. So much to be afraid of.

"So I came up with a plan, a genius idea that would ensure their safety. I convinced them to switch… James. James, he, fought me so hard at first. But I… I convinced them," I stumbled over the words as my voice disappeared. The pain of thinking of it was overwhelming. If only I'd listened to him! I covered my face for a moment, trying to drag the emotions away. James' voice insisting that he didn't trust anyone with Lily and Harry's life more than me. Even Lily insisted. Merlin! Why hadn't I listened!? I told them it was for the best.

"You switched," Albus said, with more understanding than I expected. I glanced up, moving my hands away from my wet face. Albus didn't look as if he thought I was lying or telling the truth. He seemed impassive, thoughtful.

"Yes," I muttered miserably, was that what he was looking for? "I insisted, t-told James that no one would suspect Peter. Why would any suspect that talentless worm? They wouldn't… I just thought it was a brilliant idea, but it's what killed them… I killed them."

I swallowed the now hollow anger. It did nothing for the resentment I held for myself, it didn't segue the guilt. Nothing did.

"All the signs were there… how couldn't I see it? How?" I groaned to myself.

"Hindsight is friend to very few."

"I thought the spy was Remus! Of all the people. I never suspected poor Peter," I growled, stuck in my emotions. "He was always off, the pathetic rat. Sometimes around, sometimes not… but it was all so hard to see, then.

"What of the night of their deaths? You did go after Peter."

"I did, I knew it was him…" I ground. "My perfect plan backfired. I knew when I checked on Peter something was wrong but I didn't understand until I saw them… Godrich's Hallow wasn't so far. They tried to protect Harry… it worked, didn't it? Just… just not for them. No matter what I do… I-I can't… their faces won't leave..."

The silence felt forever, as I drowned in it all again.

"What next, Sirius? Albus' voice caught me off guard. I thought I imagined it, but he sounded sympathetic. Not something reserved for a murder usually. I tried to recollect myself… soon… soon I'd likely be seeing them again.

"Hagrid wouldn't let me take Harry, so he was safe but I was so angry. I gave him my bike so they'd get to safety and… and I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to find him, find him and make him pay for what he did." I rattled angrily. I was such a fool, rushing after him. But I might not have ever found him, it hadn't mattered. "I cornered him, but he tricked all those people."

"And?"

"I meant to kill him Albus. I really did mean to. For all he'd done to our family, oh… but I was weak. Little Peter got the better of me, and I hesitated. So he took my weak moment and before I could curse him, he yelled for the whole street to hear how I betrayed Lily and James, and he blew those people to pieces… hid his wand behind him. I didn't even know he was capable of it. Little bastard cut his finger off and transformed, leaving me… I only regret not taking that moment when I had it."

I snarled, hands tightened as I felt rage budding under my skin, shaking me to do something. But… it was all too late, I'd blown it a second time.

"Transformed?" Albus asked and my head shot up to peer into Albus' pale blue eyes. Something clicked in my head, he meant them. He didn't know? Surely he must, they'd all thought he was a murderer after Harry. I suddenly understood what Remus had meant, that he was afraid to tell Albus.

"Oh," I muttered, it wasn't usual Albus didn't already know an answer. I'd already forgotten Remus' plight earlier on. Was that even the same day? It felt a lifetime away after the Dementors fed on me again. "We're Animagi. James, Peter and me," I said… before pausing. Were. James wasn't anymore. My brother was dead… and I couldn't even kill his murderer.

"Ah, I see." Albus said, not quite delighted but as if it had all just solved and he could see the entire puzzle he'd been working on. I nodded.

"I started in school, in our second year. Well that's when we figured out Remus' condition."

"He never told you?"

"Who? Oh, no. You know Remus, always afraid of rejection but he's not a great liar and James and I figured out the signs and patterns," I could feel a small bit of warmth at those old school boy memories. Before life was so dark… and before it was shattered completely. "We were teenagers, we thought he'd be less miserable if we went with him. So we worked to become animals and we did it by our fifth year."

"Well, fifteen?"

"Yeah, right under your nose too. We thought ourselves undeniably clever," I said wistfully, shaking my head. Too bad I wasn't as clever as I always thought I was. "Peter… he was a rat, isn't it ironic?" I cracked a bit.

"But why come to Hogwarts, if not for Harry?"

"I did come for Harry. To protect him… from Peter."

"At Hogwarts?" Albus asked more seriously.

"Yes," I dug into my robes onces again for the little piece of paper to hand over to the man. "That's him… I'd know his transformation anywhere, and he's missing a toe. I knew Harry was in danger here, as soon as Peter heard any news about Voldemort… he was in the best spot to hurt my Godson. No one knew but me… so I escaped. The Dementors couldn't sense me when I transformed."

"For the curious?" Albus said with a little smile.

"A dog," I replied.

"Ah, The Grim," Albus suddenly chuckled and I looked at him oddly. "Oh we've had a little news of it lately."

"I've been hiding in the forest, until I could get to him."

"You certainly tried."

"Yes, well not hard enough. I failed."

"Ah yes, on Halloween, you were over Ronald Weasley's bed.

"Yes I had hoped to find Peter that night, but the boy woke up."

"And tonight?"

"Tonight… tonight I finally found Peter. I almost killed him," I breathed out, regret filling my mind again. "I've been watching, Peter faked his death but he must have known he couldn't get past me on the grounds. So he ran and hid, like he always did." I snarled, repulsed at the idea that he was alive and free still.

"Unfortunately Harry and his friends found him on their back to the castle. It could have been my only chance, so I took the boy- Ron- and the rat. So I could finally avenge James and Lily… and protect Harry."

"But you did not?"

"No… Harry and his friend confronted me," I said, watching Albus with special note, but the man's face passed no concern, simply attentive. He could be teaching a class, honestly.

"Harry… stopped me. We'd- Remus followed the children- explained things to him… he deserved to know. Harry didn't want us to be murderers for his father, I don't think. Thought Peter'd do better in Azkaban. In the end… it was his choice. Of course… because I didn't… he escaped."

"How so?"

"Remus he…" Sirius sighed. "The moonlight hit him as we were bringing Peter to the castle, to you…" Sirius smiled sourly. "I had to keep him away from the kids. The bastard got away… that's when…" I shuddered. "When the Dementors found me."

Albus cleared his throat and it pulled me out of the haunting memories again. So… so easy to slip into. I hung my head, reality returning to me even if I didn't want it to.

"They're going to Kiss me… aren't they?" I asked, defeated, slumping further into my chair.."

"I'm afraid that is the case."

"So you don't believe me?" I asked quietly, looking desperately at the man's serious face. It wasn't often one had to see it… except in the war. It carried a certain weight because of it.

"No. I do believe you Sirius."

He did? A sliver of a smile touched my face. Did that mean…?

"But it will do little good," Albus said with a large sigh, standing up from his chair slowly.

"I thought…" I muttered, unsure how to finish. "Your word…"

"There is very little proof to show to the world who has been hunting you."

"But… I could transform, show them the photo, the…" I slowed, because I knew as well as he did that was no proof at all. Any proof had run away with Peter. I should have killed him, maybe his dead body would have done something.

"You know the facts as they were presented, I myself gave evidence of your status as Secret Keeper. Severus has a far different story of tonight, that the children were confounded by you. It is far more convincing, I'm afraid, to the Ministry.

"I'm innocent," I stuck to it, I knew it was childish… but it was all I had again. Just like before.

"You know that, and I know it. Yet very few people do. You've done very uninnocent things. Going after Peter the first time, no trail to explain your side of the story. You've broken into Hogwarts and attacked things," Albus sighed again. "I'm afraid without Peter, there is no way of convincing anyone."

So the hope was all a little lie to myself. I just couldn't do it again, though. Everything crashed down on me, as Albus moved around the desk. I was truly doomed, now. It was all lost. I'd never see Harry again, or Remus.

"Sirius, I am terribly sorry, but just know… sometimes there are second chances."

"I used mine up, Albus," I sighed, wearily. I had nothing else to give. "At least Harry is safe."

It was all I could muster, the only good thing to come out of it. Maybe Albus could do nothing for me but both he and Remus knew the truth about Peter. That would protect Harry. Albus looked as weary as I did as he pat a hand on my shoulder and moved past me to the doorway again. It must be soon…

"Albus," I hesitated. It was my last chance… and Albus wasn't biased.

"Yes?"

"Do… do you think Harry was right? Do you think James wouldn't have wanted me to avenge him and Lily? Would James have stopped me?" I asked. I… I just didn't know anymore. So much of my mind, of my memories were missing. Those left, were colored with guilt and anger. Albus turned around. He fixed me with that pale stare.

"What is it you think, Sirius?"

I looked at him helplessly.

"I don't know anymore Albus. I truly don't. I hardly remember any of it… just the pain. Only what they bring of him to me," I whispered, avoiding his gaze again. How pitiful, that I couldn't even honor James' memory. I barely had any of it left. My dearest friend, my brother, was blurry to me after all the years of nightmares and memories riddled with guilt.

"I believe that part of James lives in Harry, Sirius. And… I think you do know what James would have done."

With that, Albus smiled once at me and closed the door.

I was all alone again. Probably for the last time.