25. To Know and Not to Know

Tonks found him on the floor, holding a letter in his hand, staring at it with empty, unbelieving eyes.

"Remus?" she called out softly. He didn't even turn to look at her. "Remus?" she repeated, more urgently. No response. She rushed over to him and knelt by his side in worry. What had happened?

"What happened?" she asked, glancing back and forth between him and the letter in his hands. "Why… Why are you holding this?"

He didn't meet her eyes. "You led me on."

"What do you mean?" she asked, perplexed.

"You've been working with the Death Eaters. You are the spy." He said it in a calm, unflappable, manner, which scared her beyond words.

"What? Remus, have you gone mad? I'm… I'm not the spy, what on earth makes you say that?" Terror. She had thought he would support her. But he didn't believe her. Of course he didn't. Why had she thought he was any different?

"This letter proves it all." He handed it out for her to read, and she quickly scanned it.

"Bruce, he's… He's not a Death Eater, Remus," she insisted hurriedly. "He's a…"

"Healer at St. Mungo's, I know," he interjected. "Death Eaters still have jobs, you know."

"He's not a Death Eater, Remus, he's not!"

"No, but you are," he said quietly. "How long have you been working with them?"

"I'm not a Death Eater, nor am I a spy," she spat. "I value the Order, I'm a part of the Order. I'm helping take You-Know-Who down!"

"Are you really?" he asked quietly.

She didn't answer, because of course she was. Why didn't he trust her? Why didn't the rest of the Order trust her? Because she was young? Because she was a woman? Because they didn't take her seriously?

"Why?" he asked, finally meeting her eyes. "Why did you do this to me? Is it because I'm a werewolf? Did I do something to offend you? Are you just after me because the Auror Department is? Is this all some… some sort of Death Eater ploy? Why did you play with my emotions, play with my thoughts, play with my feelings? Why did you lead me to think that there was something between us? Why did I fall for it? Why did I fall for you?"

To her horror, a single tear flowed down his face. He was crying.

Tears sprang to her own eyes. "You think this is some joke? You think that I've been leading you on? You think that this is some… some sort of trap that I've laid for you to fall in?"

"Yes," he said. "That's exactly what I think."

The hollow tone of his voice struck her more than what he said. He sounded defeated, empty, emotionless. Like he was done with life. Done with the world.

"Well, then you're wrong," she shouted, tears flooding her face. "Get out of my flat."

And in one swift motion, he was out the door.

Five days had passed. She had taken five days off from Hogwarts, too upset to think. She had passed it off as a serious flu, and Umbridge had instructed her to take rest.

After five days, she finally felt like she could think of him without collapsing into tears again. She would be able to patrol around Hogwarts like normal, albeit a little shaken.

It was Kingsley and Mad-Eye she was worried about. There had been one Order meeting since she had left, and no doubt they would both have heard about her removal. But she still had to work with them, talk to them, see them, and she didn't know how they would take it. She had decided to just avoid them, avoid any interaction with them, and stagger the entire conversation as late as possible.

She was going to avoid thinking about Remus as well. Thinking about him made her unstable, and she was more likely than not going to end up crying the longer she thought about him. She had also decided to avoid Harry, and Ron and Hermione and the rest of the Weasleys, and especially, most certainly, Dumbledore.

Without the Order, her life had become plain. The joy she had once found in being an Auror was no longer joyful. Earlier, she had believed that her work was something to look forward to. Now it was just an incessant reminder that she couldn't be doing more.

As she entered the castle, she couldn't help but think that it didn't hold the same charm for her that it used to. Was the castle in particular? Was it the fact that Remus Lupin had walked its halls? Or was it the fact that its headmaster had thrown her out of the Order for no valid reason?

To Umbridge's office she headed first, and the High Inquisitor was there, waving her stubby wand at a stack of papers.

"Nymphadora!" she simpered as Tonks entered. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, thank you," she replied as evenly as she could. "Er, how much have I missed, has anything significant happened?"

"Nothing of importance," she said sweetly. "I'm glad you're feeling better. Alastor was inquiring about you."

"Oh," she said unenthusiastically.

"Yes, yes, you're to meet him as soon as you've returned. He should be in the Great Hall, I'll tell him you came," Umbridge said lazily.

Tonks was used to Umbridge's uncharacteristic sweetness, so she nodded and left the room.

Merlin. This was not good. She was being forced to talk to Mad-Eye. Mad-Eye had specifically asked to talk to her. What was he going to do to her? Ferrets raced through her mind, even though she knew it wasn't practical. But you could never be too sure when Mad-Eye Moody was involved.

She finally reached the Great Hall, which was completely deserted but for Mad-Eye, who was sitting alone at a table at the far end, a mug of tea in his hands.

She made towards him, slowly, unsurely, uncertain of what to do or say. The sounds of her heels echoed throughout the empty hall with each step. The end of the hall came, and Tonks found herself standing across from Mad-Eye, who was scrutinizing her closely.

"Sit," he growled, and she sat across from him.

"Yes, sir?" she asked politely, unable to remember how many years it had been since she had last addressed him as 'sir'.

"Some tea?"

"Sure," she said, her heart racing, as he poured her a mug of tea as well. She took a sip. "Thank you."

He nodded, and then he spoke.

"Did you betray the Order of the Phoenix?"

"No, sir."

"I thought not," he barked.

It was too entirely good to be true.

"Y-you believe me?"

"Of course," he grunted. "I've known you long enough to know what you'd do. I even mentioned it to Albus, but he said it was improbable."

Warmth careened through her insides. He believed her.

"Yes, sir."

"Enough with the formality," he growled. "It doesn't suit you."

Before she knew it, he had wrapped her into a fatherly hug, and she silently thanked the heavens for Mad-Eye Moody.

"Now," he muttered, "where were you before the attack?"

And so she explained, to the first person who would listen, who would listen to every detail, to factor them in properly, to understand her, to empathise with her, to distinguish the difference between right and wrong. She explained about everything, about Bruce Claris and what she was doing with him, about getting the Patronus as soon as they were done. About how Bruce Claris wasn't a Death Eater, and that he could verify it himself, that he was innocent. Mad-Eye listened with impeccable understanding, not once speaking until she had finished explaining it to him.

"Does anyone else know this?" he growled.

"No," she answered ruefully, "nobody would give me a chance to explain."

"Well," said Moody thoughtfully, "I believe you. But it's not going to be so easy to convince the rest of the Order to have you back."

"Y-you think I could go back?" she asked tentatively, not daring to believe it.

"You have every right to," he grunted. "You shouldn't have been removed from it in the first place. We're short one good fighter, and we need you back."

She smiled, a true smile. He was going to help her regain her spot in the Order of the Phoenix.

"What we need," he pondered, "is an investigation."

"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.

"I mean," he said, "we need to question Claris and prove his innocence. I believe you, but the others won't. You need evidence, and we're going to get that."

"Er, won't they just say I'm providing false evidence?" she asked.

He snorted. "Nope. I'm leading this investigation. And you will accompany me."

"Will you really?"

"Of course."

The ends of her mousy brown hair turned magenta as she beamed. "You're the best, Mad-Eye."

"Don't mention it," he growled. "We need you back. And what's with the hair?"

"What, the color?" she asked, gesturing to the magenta. "It always changes color, Mad-Eye, surely you know that."

"I know that," he barked. "Isn't that brown your normal hair color?"

"Yeah," she affirmed. "Sometimes I have trouble morphing when I'm not in the mood. Which I definitely wasn't for the past few days."

"You can't let Dumbledore get to you like that," he muttered disapprovingly. "You should be strong."

"Oh, it wasn't just Dumbledore," she replied coolly. "My afternoon encounter with Remus did a great deal more, actually."

He raised an eyebrow. "You met Lupin?"

"Yeah," she admitted. " I went over to Grimmauld as soon as I met with Dumbledore. He was… well, at first, very understanding. He believed me." She wasn't about to go into detail about their intimacy on the sofa and how nice it had felt. Especially not to Mad-Eye.

"Go on," he urged.

"And when I was leaving to go home and pack, he offered to come with me. So he did, and he saw a letter from Claris, and he accused me of being the spy. And I kicked him out."

"Good for you. So why did that get you upset?"

"I don't know, to be honest," she sighed. "I think it was just… a lack of support. Especially when he seemed so understanding at first. I don't know, I think I just felt that he would listen, and he did, until he saw that letter."

"He's going through a lot, too," Mad-Eye reasoned gruffly. "Imagine. The person he likes is supposed to be working with Death Eaters. He thinks he's been toyed around with, just so that you could get information or fit in. He thinks you've never really liked him, friends or otherwise, and he's upset. He doesn't want to believe it, but he has to."

But only one phrase had registered with her. "Did you say… the person he likes?"

"Yes," he grunted. "Did you listen to anything I said?"

"The person he likes."

"Yes," he repeated, exasperated. "The person he likes. So he thinks that…"

"Do you mean to say he likes me?"

"I've said it three times now!" he growled. "Yes! Lupin likes you! Now, he feels like you've played with his emotions, and…"

"How do you know?"

"Because! He does! I've noticed! Do you even want to hear what I have to say?"

"Yes, Mad-Eye, don't get your wand in a knot," she assured him, but her head was spinning like mad. Remus liked her? As in… Remus liked her? She closed her eyes, thinking of all of the time they had spent together, all of the time she hadn't known that he liked her. Merlin, how long had he liked her? For a moment, pure elation swept through her, which was only to be replaced with sorrow.

Did he like her anymore? He couldn't, could he? Not after what had happened. There was no way he would.

Anyway, why did she care? There were sure to be plenty of people who liked her, why should he be any different? Why did she care so much? She tried her hardest to suppress the nagging feeling in the back of her mind that told her that maybe it was because she reciprocated his feelings.

"How long do you think he's liked me, Mad-Eye?" she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Why do you care?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow. "Since late March, if not before that."

Her heart was pounding unnecessarily. Good question, Mad-Eye. Why did she care? She didn't know herself.

"How do you know?" she queried, trying not to sound too obvious. Of course Mad-Eye would see right through it.

"I already told you! It's obvious! With Lupin, it's really subtle, though. You'd have to be really good at observation to notice."

"That you are," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Anyway, it is deeply evident that you harbor your own share of feelings for the man," Moody grunted. "So if you want to see him again, we're going to have to conduct this investigation."

"I'm with you all the way," she assured. "But you're going to have to be the lead on this. And what are we telling the Ministry?"

"That someone is suspected of playing with Dark Magic, so we're interrogating him," he answered. "Scrimgeour will buy it. Umbridge will probably let us off duty for a day."

"If I ask her," she corrected. "If you ask, probably not."

"So get around to asking her, then," Moody said. "We'll conduct the investigation whenever we get time."

"Sounds good," she said, stretching. "Anything else?"

"That's about it," he grunted. "I think we'll get you back in a matter of weeks."

"Thank you so much, Mad-Eye," she said, smiling weakly. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

His expression softened. "You're a good fighter, Tonks. The Order needs you."

"I need the Order," she added. "It works both ways."

"I'm sure it does," he muttered. "Kingsley believes Dumbledore, by the way, so just steer clear of him."

"I was planning to," she said, grinning. "Thanks."

She turned on her heel and walked across the Great Hall, which was still empty. As she reached the door, she heard Mad-Eye call, "Tonks!"

She turned around. "Yeah?"

"Whatever Lupin said, don't take it to heart," he told her. "He can try and hide it all he wants, but inside, he's a real softie."

Tonks nodded, smiling. "I'll keep that in mind."

After a Divination lesson, an Arithmancy lesson, a History of Magic lesson, and a Transfiguration lesson, she headed back to her room to clear her many thoughts.

Thinking back, it hadn't been such a bad day. There was plenty of hope for the future, hope that she could be re-inducted into the Order. She didn't care if it meant that everyone would stare at her, wondering what had really happened. She would be back doing what she wanted, what she was needed in. She had asked Umbridge if she and Mad-Eye could spend one morning away from Hogwarts, tracing down some Dark activity, to which the High Inquisitor had readily agreed.

For some reason which she could not quite fathom, her mind drifted back to Remus. It tended to do that more often now.

To think that he liked her. Merlin, how could she not have noticed it before? It was like Mad-Eye said; with Remus, it was subtle. He was better at keeping his emotions inside, but then again, he was capable of letting them out just as well.

Why couldn't she have learned this factoid earlier? She could have changed things. She could have explained everything to him. He might have understood, supported her, even helped her remain her place in the Order.

But would it really have been beneficial? She didn't know, nor did she care. What happened wasn't going to change. She could only reverse things going forward.

She sat upright in her bed, huddled in blankets and pillows. "The ultimate question, Tonks," she mumbled to herself. "Do you like Remus?"

'Yes,' came the instant answer.

'No,' came the secondary answer.

'Maybe?' came a third answer.

She thought about it harder.

Platonically? Without a doubt. They were friends with ease, there for each other whenever they needed support.

"Except for now," she muttered darkly.

Beyond that? What about beyond friendly gestures? She probably did like him, didn't she? Feeling giddy whenever he held her, or touched her, or brushed by her. That was a sign. The jolts of electricity. The butterflies in her stomach. How, as of late, she had felt the need to impress him. To make him laugh at what she said, to make him smile, just because he was beautiful when he did. Surely this meant she liked him.

This was ridiculous.

Why was she thinking so hard about it? Wasn't it supposed to be obvious?

And then she realized that yes, it indeed was obvious. The matter at hand was an emotion. A certain way that she felt. And if it was a feeling, she shouldn't be analyzing and talking it through. She shouldn't be using her head in the affairs of the heart. She was overthinking it, trying to assure herself, trying to figure it out for herself in an overcomplicated way.

It was simple. Her heart spoke first, and it had said yes.

A/N: Well, to those who were expecting a full-on fight, sorry! I think it was more logical this way. How is Remus handling this? A heart-to-heart with none other than Sirius Black, coming up in chapter 26!

The first chapter of Prisoners is out! Be sure to head over to our profile and check that out!

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