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Chapter 25

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 25. I'm hoping it'll answer some questions. Trigger warning for discussion of injuries sustained during sexual assault.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

"Are you ready to do some homework?" Kimani had asked Alex to initiate a conversation with Olivia about the brunette's fears concerning sex at some point. This served two purposes—one, to provide an opportunity for Alex to practice starting conversations about their relationship and two, to give Olivia a chance to address her apprehension about moving forward physically.

Benson nodded, patting the couch next to her. "Sure. You know what my big fear is," she offered quietly, worrying her lower lip.

The younger woman plopped herself onto the couch, clapping a comforting hand over her girlfriend's knee. Liv was self-conscious about this because she hated anything that reminded her of her conception. She knew Alex placed an exorbitant amount of trust and faith in her, but in bad moments, she questioned how warranted that was. Could she snap? Could she be so desperate for sexual contact that she'd be capable of throwing the entire basis of her moral belief system out the window? Was there a part of her that hungered for power? She saw so much of her mother in herself, especially when she was struggling, so was it possible that she'd inherited an equal number of traits from her father?

Alex gave her a smile, wrapping the palms of both hands around one of the detective's and then bringing all fifteen fingers up to her lips. "You've had sex with other people, right?"

The brunette bobbed her head up and down. "Sure."

"Have you always been like this—afraid of taking advantage of people?"

"To some extent, yes," Olivia admitted.

"Okay," Cabot thought aloud, shifting her body closer to Liv's and resting the entanglement of their upper limbs in her lap, "but not entirely like this. So what's happening now that's different?"

The cop looked as if she didn't want to answer, and she almost succumbed to the urge to simply shrug her shoulders, but she knew how much Alex had shared with her in the preceding months, and it wouldn't be fair to not offer up at least as much. "I've never dated a survivor before, at least no one that I knew was a survivor."

The attorney sighed, her eyes downcast, as it occurred to her that she could be the reason the woman she loved was so on edge all the time. "So, I'm the problem."

"Al, you have anxiety over being gay, but you're attracted to me. Am I the problem?"

"No, of course not," she insisted, adding volume to her voice before a small smirk formed on her lips. "I see what you did there."

"We both have demons, sweetie, and they're our own to fight," Benson began gently, adding her free hand to the pile that took up residence over Alex's thighs, "but you have me to remind you that you don't have to be alone during your fight, and I have you."

Alex returned home one day to the sound of Olivia's voice on the phone. "Thank you, Sergeant. I appreciate your help." She looked up to see her girlfriend in the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water. "Hey."

"Hey, honey. What was that about?"

Liv sat up further on the couch in order to give the other woman room to sit with her if she wanted. "So, because you gave me permission to look into it, I made a few calls about—"

She hovered a few feet away from the detective, a sense of knowing coming over her. "—Pastor Paul and Tammy?"

Olivia nodded. "Are you in an okay place to hear this?"

Alex sighed, sliding off the heels that had caused her feet to ache and padding into the living room, hesitating before sitting next to the brunette. "I hope so."

"Tell me if you need me to stop," Liv reminded gently, aware that her girlfriend wouldn't be able to resist being apprised of this information, especially now that the brunette had done some digging. Alex nodded in acknowledgement, pretty sure that she wouldn't stop her regardless. If Liv knew, she needed to know. But if what Liv had found out was that both of her abusers were still actively spending time with kids, would she be able to do what was necessary to change that? "Pastor Paul serves on the board of the church now, but he seems to have no contact with children."

This wasn't the first time the younger woman had heard of a religious leader stepping away from the public eye but remaining in power. "Maybe he made a deal."

"It's possible," the cop conceded gently, taking a chance and reaching for the ADA's hand. She couldn't imagine what was going on in her girlfriend's mind, but she could see the rapid rise and fall of her shoulders and the reddening of her face and ears. "These things have a way of coming out. I also looked into Tammy. That's what I was talking on the phone about." She waited for a nod of permission before continuing. Though Pastor Paul's assault had been incredibly violent, the brunette knew that the abuse the camp counselor inflicted on Alex over the course of an entire summer had been worse, according to the prosecutor. Tammy had taken advantage of the teenager's fear of sex, shame around her sexual orientation, and overall loneliness, something Alex feared she'd never be able to work through in a healthy way. "A few years ago, a thirteen-year-old girl who was going to the camp got admitted to the hospital with severe injuries. She told the social worker. One other girl came forward. She's doing seven years."

The blonde's breath caught in her throat, and her hand clamped down onto Olivia's—hard. "Are—are you sure?"

Benson nodded with a soft hum. "Positive."

"Because I don't want to be absolved of my guilt just because."

"You don't have anything to feel guilty for. You were a child, Al."

"But if I would have told someone—"

"You did," the SVU detective reminded her with a grimace, many years of experience having this exact conversation with survivors not preparing her for the anguish she felt as she scrambled to comfort the woman she loved. "They didn't believe you."

"I could have called the police," the lawyer countered.

"Why didn't you?" Her voice was gentle, only curious.

Cabot sighed, shaking her head. She knew her own argument had no merit. "Because in 1990, I didn't think one single male detective would have believed my female counselor assaulted me. It wouldn't have been considered rape under the law, and I'm pretty sure she only got seven years even now because the court didn't see it as quite as severe as male-on-female sexual abuse."

The knuckle of Olivia's pointer finger found the younger woman's chin, encouraging her to make eye contact. "And that has never been your fault."

Alex shrugged away from the touch. "But those other girls—"

"—got justice." The brunette dropped her hand, cooperating with the attorney's silent request for physical space. "What happened to them—"

"—was my fault."

"—was Tammy's fault."

The woman stiffened. "The injuries...how bad?"

Olivia's heart clenched as she watched human Alex fade away and wall-as-high-as-the-sky, conviction-rate-to-rival-all-others ADA Cabot take over. "All I know is she needed stitches."

"And how many years of therapy? My God." Alex shivered at the thought.

"None of what happened to her was your fault, sweetheart. I mean it."

"I wish I could believe that." The tone of her voice dared the older woman to reply, but she didn't, deciding instead to hold space for the person she loved most in the world, who was vacillating back and forth between robotic questions and vulnerable statements. "There's something you need to know," she declared eventually, her eyes on her bare toes running through the carpet below them, "about my body. It'll come up when we have sex and I should tell you before we do."

"You don't have to tell me anything you're not ready to tell me." The truth was Olivia wasn't sure if she herself was ready to hear what her girlfriend intended to share with her. It seemed like each time she opened her mouth these days, Alex told her something even more heart wrenching. This must have been what she meant every time she insisted that Olivia deserved support too, but how could her life compare to any of the atrocities the blonde had survived?

"I'm sorry. This is just hard."

"Hey." She leaned forward and down in order to intercept Alex's gaze. "Whatever it is, I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

Cabot forced herself to breathe. Liv was not in the business of lying to her, and if she hadn't left her yet, it didn't make sense for her to believe this would be the trigger. The facts were on her side here, something that was still rather new to the ADA. But she was slowly getting used to it, and as usual, Olivia's eyes told the story—gentleness, concern, compassion, love. "I have scar tissue. From Pastor Paul," she explained, feeling another blush spread over her cheeks. "I probably needed stitches, but obviously I never went to the hospital. My mom thought I was just having a heavy period, but I bled for a few days. It...healed wonkily. Tammy would make fun of me for it. It makes pelvic exams difficult—and painful—and it has a rougher texture than the rest of my skin. If that puts you off—"

Inhaling sharply, Olivia interrupted her immediately. "None of this puts me off. It breaks my heart for you, sure, but that's because I love you, baby." She fought the intense desire to gather the exposed woman up in her arms, remembering that Alex had only moments ago avoided contact. "I wish you didn't have a physical reminder of the violence you endured, but only because I wish it hadn't happened at all."

"I just want to keep making progress," she murmured sheepishly, mustering up the courage to extend her fingertips towards the detective, "and I know hearing this isn't making it easy for you."

"Hey, love, come here," Liv invited tenderly, letting Alex rest her head against her shoulder as the brunette wrapped a protective arm around her, allowing her hand to rest against her lower back. "Nothing is going to make this easy for me. Is there anything that would make it easy for you?"

"At this point, probably not."

"We can still make progress," she promised, brushing her lips against Alex's temple and sighing in relief when the other woman hummed at the gesture. "Like I said, I'm not less in love with you or less attracted to you because I know that you were severely injured during that monster's attack. Does it remind me how careful we need to be? Yes. But I still want to continue our touch exercises and work on physical intimacy. What this doesn't change is that we'd only go as far as is comfortable for you."

Cabot thought for a few moments, the nagging feeling that Liv wasn't satisfied with this course of action residing in the recesses of her mind, but the voice she heard was not gentle, it was not loving. It was not Olivia. "And I'd be happy to give, you know. I think we might be ready for that."

The older woman squeezed her, wanting to squash the proposition for now. "I'd feel more comfortable if we talked with Kimani first."

Alex acquiesced, knowing that the out of nowhere offer was not a wise one.

"Tell me how you're feeling," the cop requested after a while.

She turned in Olivia's embrace, burying her nose into the softness of her girlfriend's neck. "I don't really know."

During their next session with Kimani, Alex insisted that they discuss Olivia for at least a little while, and the older woman was disappointed when the therapist agreed that it sounded like a good idea.

After many minutes of careful prodding, the detective shared the details of her mother's rape with the LMFT, finally voicing the reason for her paranoia around turning violent.

Liv lasted for about thirty more seconds before she interrupted Kimani, who was thanking her for being so vulnerable and sharing something so hard. "I just feel like we need to be working on Alex's healing. She's been through so much, and—"

Cabot thrust out a palm to stop her. "So have you, Liv. I get that you want to help me, and I love you for it, but I'm not the only person that matters in this relationship. You deserve help too, honey."

"I think your girlfriend has a point, Olivia." Kimani's pager beeped. "Unfortunately, I believe I have some clients waiting, and we're running out of time. We will definitely come back to this conversation, and I apologize for ending our session here. Are there any other concerns you'd like to address today?"

Liv knew they were on a time crunch, and she'd taken so long to speak meaningfully to the therapist as an attempt to run out the clock. But now that the pressure had been lifted slightly, she wanted to turn their attention to Alex once more, knowing that their conversation earlier in the week was bound to come up again. "Let me ask you a question. What do you think about us having sex where she's just giving? Do you think that would be harmful?"

The lawyer sighed, knowing that Olivia had succeeded in her unhealthy mission to keep the discussion focused on her girlfriend. Alex was more than aware that talk therapy wouldn't be helpful to the older woman until she was ready to talk, but she hoped that was sooner rather than later. "She's asking because I want to, and she worries that it isn't a good idea."

"I think it all has to do with intention. Alex, you've shared that in the past you've used sex as a negative coping mechanism. In the present, if you were to engage in this type of sex with Olivia, what would your motivations be?"

She felt two sets of compassionate eyes on her, and the discomfort of it reminded her why Olivia likely wasn't ready to spend more than five minutes at the center of attention. "I just want to be with her, and I don't want her to have to wait because of me."

"So, I think that you wanting to be with her is very valid," Kimani assured her, "and a case can be made for being more sexual in seeking the closeness you desire. I do worry about you not wanting her to have to wait though. Olivia, I get the sense that waiting isn't a problem for you, is that correct?"

"Yeah, that's correct."

Kimani took a quick note, her pager telling her that her next set of clients were ready to be seen. "So, Alex, your homework for the week is to differentiate between all the healthy motivations you have to be more sexual and all the unhealthy ones. You can have Olivia's help if you want, but in two weeks, we'll get together and the three of us will talk about it. Then we can make a decision about the wisdom of moving forward right now. Sound good?"

Both women nodded, Olivia mostly relieved that she'd been spared.

"And Alex, I'd like to see just you next week if you'd be okay with that." She'd originally planned on asking Olivia to come on her own first, but it was clear that the detective wouldn't be ready for that, so she decided to switch up the order.

Those eyes again. "Um. Why?"

The therapist had been prepared for this question. "Because we've been focusing primarily on you and Olivia's relationship, which I know is a priority for you, and it is for me as well, but I think it could be helpful for us to do some work on our own. Entirely up to you, of course."

"I can come, love, and I'll sit in the waiting room."

"Okay, yeah," she breathed, reminding herself that she was safe with Kimani and her anchor would only be a few yards away, "if you think it's a good idea, I'll do it."

As they left the office, the prosecutor took a mental note to not let Olivia off so easily next time. But before she did that, she needed to help her girlfriend feel ready to share in the way she'd become accustomed to. She wished she knew how.

Alex walked out of an arraignment the next morning to a less than welcome visitor. "Great, first Granger and now you," she muttered under her breath. "To what do I owe the honor, Kressler? Come to deliver your motion to dismiss?"

The man chuckled. "Actually, I've come to see if you're ready to be reasonable."

Alex began strutting down the hallway, forcing the defense attorney to accelerate in order to keep up. "Mr. Kressler, I'm aware that 'reasonable' is the first word in your favorite phrase, and I appreciate your proactivity in discussing this, but you and I both know that the only reasonable course of action resulting from what your client did is hard jail time."

Kressler pivoted to cut the woman off. "C'mon, Alex. Save taxpayers the price of this trial."

She smirked incredulously, crossing her arms over her chest. "Oh, so you want to make a ridiculous deal out of philanthropy, Roger?"

"What is with you these days?" He shook his head in disbelief. "Jesus, Alex, just relax."

The word stood out to Olivia, who had left the courtroom and was standing nearby, and she raced to her girlfriend's side, keeping appropriate distance and clearing her throat. "Cabot, we need you at the station."

Alex knew why her girlfriend had approached, but she appreciated her attempt at being inconspicuous. "One moment, Detective Benson." She turned back to Kressler and gritted her teeth. "Sex abuse two is as low as I'll go."

"How unfortunate," the other lawyer mused, "considering that sex abuse three is as high as we'll go."

"I guess we're going to trial then."

"I guess so. I tried to be helpful here, Alex, but it's your loss."

After he'd walked away, Liv tried to casually wrap her hand around Alex's bicep, squeezing gently to ground her before retreating slightly in case someone was observing the interaction. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," she said, mentally brushing herself off. "You came out of nowhere." She narrowed her eyes. "You don't actually need me at the station, do you?"

Olivia smiled guiltily for a moment. "No, but I need you away from Kressler and his big mouth."

"Thank you. I know he has no way of knowing, but..."

Benson shook her head. "He was still being condescending and unprofessional. I'd like to see him talk to a male ADA like that."

Some of the tension in the attorney's body dissipated, knowing that her girlfriend would always be there to keep her safe, but it returned quickly when she registered what had just happened. "I think we just officially agreed to go to trial." Olivia squeezed her bicep again. "While we're down here, do you need anything to proceed with this new case? Arraignment went well, but I'd like some more evidence before discovery."

Liv thought for a moment, and Alex saw mischief in her eyes. "A warrant would be great."

She nodded, slightly confused. "Walk with me?" she requested, trying to determine which judge she should go to. "We already have DNA—what are you looking for?"

Kressler had fought to keep up with her, but Olivia and Alex were in sync—each step was in time with the other's movements. "The vic put up quite a fight. This guy's gotta have injuries we haven't been blessed with seeing yet. This time, I want a full body kit. "

The ADA stopped outside of Judge Preston's chambers. "Ah, yes. The full body kit, or as I like to call them, 'a jump start on justice.'"

A/N: Thank you for reading! As always, please comment and share your thoughts/ideas/ predictions.