Chapter Twenty-One: Doom and Gloom
Fili stared at the Misty Mountains rising up ahead of them. The last time that they had passed through them went through his head and he sighed. He knew logically that the mountains were safer than they had been in years. Between the great goblin being cut down followed by the Battle of the Five Armies where many of their foes had been slain, the passes had never been safer. Add to that the many dwarven caravans traveling from Ered Luin to Erebor that had passed through the mountains and cleaned up any lingering pockets of nasties. The Misty Mountains were probably one of the safest places currently in Middle Earth.
However, he had nearly lost Bella three times in those mountains. Everything in him screamed at him to avoid them, that they were nothing but death. But the fact was that the Shire and Bella lay on the other side of the mountains. And he would move heaven and earth to get her back and he'd fight the Valar themselves to get her back if he had to. Dwalin seemed to sense his uneasiness and rode up next to him. He asked quietly, "Problems?"
Fili shook his head, "Old memories. Those mountains were dangerous to our group, it's a miracle that we all survived."
Remembering Fili's midnight meltdown, Dwalin had an inkling of what was most likely troubling the prince. "You've been having the dreams. If she headed back to the Shire, she would've been there months ago. That means that she made it through the mountains safely, lad. It was probably very easy for her to slip through them alone."
Dwalin's practical words helped ease the knot in Fili's chest. "You're right of course. However, until I know for sure that she's home and safe, I'll worry." He admitted in a low tone so that Kili wouldn't hear where he was talking with Tauriel several feet away. "I haven't had a dream since Beorn's though."
The guard captain just shrugged, "It's only been a few days. I wouldn't fret too much about it. Just means that you're due for one soon is all."
Fili said grimly, "I hope that you're right. Anyway, those mountains won't cross themselves. We'd better get moving if we hope to get over the pass before dark."
Dwalin nodded and left to get the others moving. Fili gave one last glance at the looming mountains before turning away and focusing on the company.
Bella put off writing for a few days, not wanting to relive the darkness of Mirkwood. However, she needed to write, to get out all of the things that were weighing her down and holding her back. Besides, she had promised to write down the entirety of the quest, the good and the bad. For how would you know what was good without the bad?
Finally, she could put it off no longer. She spent the morning making all of her favorite comfort foods and then brought them to the den where she constructed a comfortable fort, much like she had as a faunt when she played in there while her papa worked on his books. Only when everything was just so, warm and cozy and secure in direct defiance to the fat fluffy flakes falling slowly outside, did she open the journal and start writing.
Thorin had roused them before dawn, wanting to get through the forest as quickly as possible. Bella was extremely groggy, having slept poorly the night before. Bombur took pity on her and handed her a mug of coffee before shooing her out of the way of the others packing up their camp. By the time that she had woken up enough to realize what was going on, the camp had already been neatly packed up.
The packs that they were carrying were larger than the ones that they had before and were full to near bursting. There were two major reasons for this. One, they didn't have the ponies to carry additional supplies, so either they had to carry it or do without. Two, Beorn had warned them to neither eat or drink within Mirkwood's borders. This sounded ominous indeed to the hobbit lass. Weren't the elves supposed to be caretakers of the forest? What darkness was this then that it was neither safe to eat nor drink within the woods? That they couldn't stray from the path? She was beginning to think that these elves must differ drastically from Elrond. She just couldn't see the leader of Rivendell allowing such wrongs to linger near the haven.
Still, to be fair, she didn't know the circumstances of this area. It could even be that the dragon's proximity could have slowly poisoned the woods as well. She made a mental note to speak about that idea with Balin. Right then, Thorin called for them to move out so she put all thoughts of why Mirkwood would be the way it was aside. She looked up to find Fili standing expectantly in front of her. When she raised an eyebrow questioningly, he held his hand out wordlessly to her.
Remembering what he had said about dwarven courting, she willingly slid her hand into his. His hand was heavily calloused, doubtless from his many years of weapon training and forge work, but his grip was gentle. He smiled at her and they started off. They ended up in the middle of the group, something that Bella was relieved about. She didn't have the courage to enter the trees first, but she definitely didn't want to be the last one in the group either.
As it was, she was glad that Fili was holding her hand because she stumbled as soon as she crossed into Mirkwood. He steadied her absently and kept walking, not seeming to notice that anything was amiss. She was grateful because those few steps allowed her to regain control of herself and keep going. If she had stopped walking after that first step, she would've turned and fled the forest before her rational mind could've intervened. It would've been purely instinctual and there would've been nothing that she could've done about it.
Over the course of the journey, the dwarves had been both curious and baffled by her refusal to wear footwear of any kind. She had never been able to explain it to either her or their satisfaction. It was just part of who a hobbit was, putting it into words was difficult. Hobbits had been created by Yavanna and she had blessed them with a connection to green and growing things. That's why places where hobbits lived flourished. They could feel the needs of the earth around them and help it, the Shire was a prime example of what happened when hobbits tended nature like they were supposed to. She had heard a couple of the dwarves mention stone sense a time or two and had a feeling that the two gifts were similar.
So when she had stepped into Mirkwood, all of her senses screamed at her that the land was sick. There was a taint, a rot, in the land and it was growing. It was almost like the land was screaming for help, but no one could hear. She scanned the dwarves and noticed that they seemed to be mostly unaffected, only gripping their weapons a little bit closer. Silently apologizing to the forest for her inability to heal or help it, she inched closer to Fili. Fighting down a shudder of revulsion, she decided that she needed something to distract her from the forest's state before she started weeping.
Turning to Fili, she abruptly demanded that he tell her more about Ered Luin. Instead of appearing startled by her abrupt demand, he smiled at her briefly before looking back at the path. He started to do as she asked, telling her about the place that he'd grown up and called home all his life. His voice was deep and soothing and she found herself drawn into his tales. Her curiosity sparked, she asked him dozens of questions, all of which he answered patiently. Before she knew it, the morning had passed and turned into afternoon.
When he finally lapsed into silence, the worst of the forest's effects had faded. Although her skin still tingled unpleasantly, the sensation was faint and bearable. The nausea had also subsided and she was thankful that she hadn't thrown up all over Fili. Now there was a great way to win the heart of her suitor, not. Although it would be unpleasant, she would be able to make it through Mirkwood, although she would be drained entirely by the time that they managed to make it through. She just prayed that they would have enough time to let her rest and recover for a few days once they were out of this forest. She wouldn't mention that to Fili yet though, he would only fret about her if he knew the toll that the forest was going to take on her.
Thorin called for a short break right after noon, although they didn't eat, needing to preserve their supplies until they were out of Mirkwood. After the break was over, Fili offered her his hand again. She shook her head for two reasons. One, she would need to get used to dealing with this forest on her own, he wouldn't be able to hold her hand throughout the entire forest. Two, just because they were courting didn't mean that they had to spend every moment with each other. She wasn't a jealous, possessive woman that had to be with her boyfriend every moment of the day.
She said quietly, "Go ahead with Kili, I'm just going to walk with Balin for a little while."
She didn't notice the way his face fell, although he obediently went over to his brother. They immediately put their heads together and started talking animatedly. She smiled at the sight. She especially wouldn't come between brothers. They had been together ever since Kili was born and had done everything together. The past few days Fili had been spending almost all of his time with her. And while she was falling in love with Fili (or possibly even already in love with him), she had also found a close friend in Kili. She did want him to feel left out just because she and Fili had started courting. Someday, if everything went very well, he would be her brother as well. She had always wanted a sibling, although she had never expect a mischievous brother like Kili.
With one last glance at the two brothers and whatever is was that they were plotting, she went in search of Balin. She had some questions and she knew that he would be the one most likely to have the answers and the least likely to explode if she asked them.
It was after dark when Thorin finally called for a halt for the night. They had made good progress that day and although the path was in disrepair, it was still fairly easy to make out. They managed to gather enough wood for a fire, gathering it in pairs and making sure that they never strayed from sight of the rest of the group. Dinner was a quiet affair, no one really talking but neither were they nervous, just quiet and watchful. Dwalin arranged for them to watch in pairs as well and then ordered the rest of them to turn in.
Bella smiled at Fili but Thorin had been in a foul mood all day and she didn't want to draw his ire by going over and wishing Fili goodnight. So instead, she simply settled wordlessly into her bedroll and closed her eyes. The thin layer between her and the ground helped dull the forest enough that she was able to slip off to sleep, worn out from the long day and dealing with the forest's negative presence. Dwalin had not put her on watch and she got the feeling that he was taking the forest's measure before he would put a weak fighter on lookout duty. Keeping that in mind, she decided to get what rest she could while she could, she had the feeling that the next few weeks were going to be exhausting.
This set the tone for the next several days. She would spend the better part of the morning with Fili and then the afternoons with various members of the company. She was learning a lot about Fili and could feel herself growing closer to him and coming to admire him even more. However, the longer the company spent in Mirkwood, the more obvious it was wearing on their spirits. Each day they were a little quieter than the day before and there had even been some muttered grumbling, low enough for the others to not really hear.
The problem was, it felt like something was watching them, but there were no signs of life in the forest other than little black squirrels that they could see in the distance and the eyes that watched them in the night. On the third night in, Dwalin had deemed it safe enough and added her in to the watch rotation. This cut into her uneasy sleep and she found herself getting more tired by the day.
It was a week after they had entered Mirkwood when Dwalin placed her and Fili on the second watch. She didn't think anything of it, she was sure that they would've eventually ended up on watch rotation together because of how Dwalin was trying to keep their strength up. However, from the moment they relieved Nori and Ori, Fili was antsy and edgy. He would sit for a minute or so before jumping up and doing a circuit of the camp.
By the third lap Bella knew that something serious was on his mind but hoped that he would tell her what it was. However, by the seventh lap it became abundantly clear that she would need to get whatever was bothering him out of him. She waited until he had finished his lap before catching his eye and patting the fallen log invitingly next to her.
He looked torn but did as she asked. He sat but looked like he would take off again, she she reached out and snagged his hand, weaving their fingers together. Keeping an eye on their surroundings, she murmured, "What's got you so agitated, dear heart?"
Her touch seemed to center him and he settled more on the log and took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. Finally he said slowly, "I guess that I'm confused."
She watched absently as a pair of eyes appeared and then disappeared moments later, "Confused about what?"
He gripped her hand a little bit tighter, "About our courtship."
She turned and frowned at him, "I thought that it was going well, that we're growing closer despite this benighted wood."
She could tell that he was picking his words carefully, "That's what I thought as well. But then you send me away and don't talk to me the rest of the day. I just don't understand."
It suddenly clicked in her mind, Fili was feeling unsure about her feelings. She bit back a grin, she thought that she had been the only one suffering from insecurity and doubt. Scooting a little bit closer, she rested her head briefly on his shoulder before straightening. They were on watch, after all. It wouldn't do for the company to get eaten because they were cuddling. She said softly, "Whatever it is that you're thinking, you're wrong."
His voice was low as he replied, "I just don't know what to think. Talk to me, Bella, let me know what you're thinking."
She asked instead, "How old were you when Kili was born?"
This was obviously not what he was expecting her to say. "I was five, why?"
She gestured at the rest of the sleeping company with her free hand, "And I think that it's safe to say that you've known the company for most if not all of your life?"
He nodded slowly, "That's true. Where are you going with this?"
"The company is your family. Just because we're courting doesn't mean that I want to separate you from your family. I would love to spend every moment of the day with you, but they deserve your time and attention too. I've been so alone since my parents died, only a few friends and family that I see every few months at most. I don't want you to become so focused on me that you lose them. That wouldn't be worth it to me. Also, if everything works out, someday Kili will be my brother as well. You two have been together his whole life. I don't want him to be suddenly excluded and left out just because you are courting me. It would break my heart if he felt this way and I don't want to create any anger or resentment between you two. As for why I don't speak to you in the evenings?" She shrugged, "Thorin has been rather tetchy lately and has been relying on you heavily, so I wanted to keep him from snapping at us. I figured that it was better to just keep things discreet until we're out of this cursed forest."
He huffed out a quiet laugh. He admitted quietly, "I've been imagining all sorts of things. When you said that you needed to speak with Balin, that you were looking for a way to break things off." He sighed. "For dwarves, courtship is a very intense time. We want to spend every moment that we possibly can together to woo and win them over. It is understood that the courting couple will be distant from friends and relatives as they beginning to craft something new together. But the fact that you care about my relationships with my family, that means a lot to me, ghivashel. I should've just talked to you instead of assuming."
She smiled up at him, "I don't know about you, but this is my first time courting. I'm sure that there will be bumps. But I need you to come and talk to me if you're not sure about something. It's more than likely a cultural thing or something different from what you're thinking. And I need to talk to you as well." It was her turn to sigh. "Honestly, I keep waiting for you to tell me that you made a mistake and can we just be friends."
He rested his forehead on hers and offered her a tiny smile, "Never, amralime, never. Every thing that I learn about you just makes me want to get to know you even better. I want this to last forever, no matter how long it takes for us to get there."
She felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes, "You're a sweet talker, I see that I'm going to have to watch out for you."
He leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on her lips before quickly pulling back. He grinned at her, "Only with you, mizimel. Now I'd better pay attention to our surrounds because I'd hate for us to be eaten just when we straightened things out because I wasn't keeping an eye on our surroundings."
She muttered, "I'll be so glad when we're out of this place. I want to see the sun again, feel a breeze on my face, and not have to deal with creepy eyes watching us every night."
He shrugged, his expression resigned. "I think that we'll all be glad to see the last of it. Uncle says that it wasn't this bad years ago when they had to flee through it."
Seeing another set of eyes ignite and then disappear, she reluctantly released his hand. She didn't want to hinder him from fighting anything that decided to take them on. "How much longer do we have to go?"
Fili chewed on his lip, seeming to do some mental calculations. She could tell that he didn't want to say whatever was worrying him aloud, but she just waited patiently. He eventually admitted, "We should be about halfway through by now, but every day we travel a little slower, this place weighing on us. I don't think that we're as far as we should be. I'd hope that I'm mistaken, but I don't think that I am. So I'm thinking that maybe another two weeks. Three at the outside. Of course, that depends on whether or not we can keep from slowing down any farther and nothing happens to any of the company."
She straightened her spine. "That's not so bad. We can all withstand a few weeks more of this. We'll just have to keep the company's spirits up. After all, we've come so far already and the lonely mountain is just on the other side of these trees. We're almost there, we just have to hang on."
Neither of them mentioned the fact that there was a dragon waiting for them in the mountain. Bella was content to deal with one problem at a time and with the forest's drain on her energy, she didn't have enough to deal with the danger of Smaug. She'd cross that bridge when she got to it and hopefully it wouldn't be burnt behind her. Now, right now, she'd concentrate on getting herself and the company out of this dark and miserable forest.
Another week passed slowly, ever so slowly, in that interminable forest. There was nothing safe to eat and supplies were already starting to dwindle, so they were all hungry and irritable in addition to slogging through the oppressive wood. It was on the fourteenth day when they reached the dark river. If Beorn hadn't specifically warned them, they would've been tempted to drink it. They had been carefully rationing their water, but there were already many empty water skins.
Bella looked longingly at the water, just wanting to through herself down and drink her fill. Taking a deep breath, she resolutely looked away. They were all thirsty and this river was more than likely as sick as the rest of this forest was. Although she had grown used to the forest's distress, it never went away. If that's what the water was like, then she truly didn't not want it.
To distract herself from her thirst, she moved away from the arguing dwarves and peered across the river, trying to see the path on the other side. The gloom was heavy, but what she thought that she saw excited her. She called, "Kili! Come here, quick!"
The young archer came over, Fili trailing frustratedly behind him. "What is it, Bella?"
"Can you see the boat on the other bank? Right there?" She gestured widely and Fili cautiously pulled her back a step from the riverbank.
Kili stared across the river and was finally able to spot it. He pointed it out to Fili and the talked back and forth in Khuzdul while Bella waited impatiently. Finally Fili strode away and fetched his pack, digging through it until he found an iron hook and a strong rope. Bringing it back over, he carefully marked the boat's position and then threw it. Kili had his hand fisted firmly in the back of her jacket while she leaned forward, trying to watch. A loud splash announced that he had missed the boat.
She said firmly, "You were almost there, just a little bit short. Try again."
Fili grimaced as he pulled back the rope and held it gingerly, but gamely tried it again. This time he threw it really hard and it overshot the boat. She let out a delighted cry. "You sent it just a little bit past it. Pull it gently and you should manage to hook it on the boat."
He did as she said, pulling slowly until it caught on the boat. He gave a sharp yank to anchor it and then a couple of gentle tugs to verify that it wouldn't come loose. Letting out a satisfied grunt, he motioned for Kili to come and help him. Even with both of them pulling, the boat didn't budge. Finally, Ori and then Gloin came over to help. Finally the boat pulled loose and came flying across the river. Thorin caught it right before it crashed into the bank, a grin on his face, the first that he'd worn since they'd entered Mirkwood.
He praised them and quickly sorted them into groups to cross the river. Bombur grumbled about having to go last, he was probably feeling the pinch of hunger worse than anyone else in their group, so Bella didn't take his harsh words to heart. The river crossing went smoothly, much to Bella's surprise and delight. However, she should've known that good luck never hung around the company long.
The buck appeared and in the ensuing chaos, Bombur toppled into the water and the boat was lost. They managed to pull him out, but he was firmly asleep. Bella wished that she could ease Bofur and Bifur's pain, but only Bombur waking up would fix it. They managed to cobble together a litter for him from the empty packs, but the fact that their packs were low enough that they could be consolidated enough to make the litter was very concerning.
That night when they stopped for the evening, Bella ignored the rest of them and went over and stood in front of Fili. He wordlessly held open his arms and she climbed onto his lap and cuddled into his strong arms. As sad as she was that it was Bombur that had fallen in, she was so, so gratefully that it hadn't been Fili. If Fili had fallen in and was now laying there still and silent, she would be out of her mind with fear and worry. Neither of them spoke, just sat there and silently held each other, drawing strength from the fact that the other was there and safe.
Something that today made abundantly clear to Bella was that she was not falling in love with Fili. Somewhere along the way from the first time they'd met, the charming scamp had managed to steal her heart entirely. The last two difficult weeks hadn't changed that, they had only proved to highlight his character. He hadn't complained, not even once. He'd done his best to keep the company's spirit's up, shouldering the packs, listening patiently to the others. She had to admit that when he held her hand, she felt safer, stronger. He always had a smile for her, no matter how tired he was. However, she didn't want the first time she told him that she loved him to be after a stress filled day in a creeptastic forest. Soon, she promised herself. She'd tell him soon.
Thorin ordered them to sleep and she obediently stood. However, before she headed to her bed roll, she bent forward and brushed her lips gently over his. It was a brief kiss, one filled with caring and reassurance. Then with a shy smile she turned and made her way to her bedroll. Closing her eyes, she prayed that things would be better soon, that Bombur would wake up and they would get out of this endless forest, back into the sunshine and fresh air. With this at the upmost of her mind, she quickly drifted off to sleep.
Another week passed until things finally came to a head. The woods had been gradually lightening as they walked, although they never truly escaped the gloom. Also the trees were starting to turn towards autumn colors, reminding them that they were on a schedule. It didn't help that with every day that passed, still Bombur slept. Finally, on the seventh day, Thorin finally snapped.
He barked at Bella to climb a tree and see if she could see the end of the blasted forest. When Fili protested, Thorin shut him down by telling him that she was the lightest of the party and the only one who would be able to get high enough to see. The blond dwarf swallowed his protest but was clearly unhappy. Instead, he led her over to a tall oak tree. He admonished her firmly, "Be careful."
Before she could reassure him, he boosted her up into the tree. She slowly made her way up the tree, making sure that she carefully tested each branch before pulling herself up. Finally she made it up into the canopy and pulled herself up into the sunshine. She had to slam her eyelids closed, her eyes protesting the bright light. After a couple of deep breaths, she cautiously cracked them open. A couple of tears slipped out but her eyes finally adjusted.
She sucked in a deep breath as she saw the blue sky for the first time in days. Smiling, she tipped her head back and closed her eyes again, allowing the sun's warmth to play over her skin. A worried call from Fili reminded her that she was there for a reason and she called down that she was alright. Opening her eyes, she took in her surroundings. She couldn't keep the gasp of delight from escaping when she saw the hundreds of black butterflies dancing on the tree tops. She couldn't remember the last time that she'd ever seen anything so magical.
Pulling her attention back to her task with difficulty, she gazed all around her but all she could see was trees in every direction. With a disappointed sigh, she allowed herself one last glance at the blue sky before slowly making her way back down.
However, when she reached the ground, she became aware that something was wrong. All of the dwarves were gone.
Bella carefully shut the book after sketching one of the butterflies. She had forgotten that magical little oasis in that horrid forest and all the events afterwards. It had been one of the most beautiful things that she had ever seen. A bit of beauty where she hadn't expected to find anything. She was sure that there was a bit of wisdom in that last thought, but she was too tired to chase it down and mine it out. She would try again in the morning.
Dwalin had been right and he had had another dream that very night. Fili had forgotten how truly desolate Mirkwood had been and he'd had no idea how Bella was suffering from the forest's sickness. She had been so brave, never saying a word about it. And even though that forest had been so gloomy and depressing, he and Bella had grown closer, leaning on each other for strength and support.
Carefully pulling out the charm sketch, he drew a tiny butterfly. Studying it, he could tell that the bracelet was nearly done, only three or four more charms until it was complete. He sighed, carefully tracing the bracelet with his finger. It his dreams were following the quest, they were quickly coming towards the end. He was torn whether or not he wanted to know the end. Something had happened to take her from him. Whatever it was, it was gone from his memories. And that scared him. Had he done it? Was he the reason that she had fled?
He hadn't shared his fears with anyone, but it gnawed on him. He was startled when Tauriel suddenly rode up next to him and ordered him dryly, "Stop it."
Quickly tucking the sketch away, Fili asked, "Stop what?"
The red haired elf rolled her eyes. "You're obviously worrying and you don't need to. So stop."
Wondering how in the world she'd managed to pick up on his upset, he tried to deflect her, "What makes you think that I'm worrying?"
She said kindly, "I can tell." She discreetly waved at the others. "They probably won't pick up on it. But I'm a woman and I know that you're worried. You're worried that it was you. That it's your fault that she's gone, that you did something to drive her away. That she ran because she hates you and wants nothing to do with you."
He gaped at her. Finally he managed to stutter, "How?"
She raised an eyebrow, "How did I know?" He nodded. "Like I said, I'm a woman and a woman just knows these kind of things. Also, I know that you have nothing to worry about, for two reasons. One, I know you and you're a good dwarf. You have a core of honor and whether or not you remember, nothing would change that. I don't know why she went back to the Shire, but I guarantee that it was not you who caused it. Two, you are having the soul dreams, are you not?"
He nodded slowly, "I had one last night."
She smiled at him, "There, you see? You have nothing to worry about. I don't think that Aule would force those that hated each other to keep a soul bond."
Fili's response was immediate and filled with revulsion, "Never, that's a travesty! The bond is only between those who are equals, who have the potential for love between them." His words tapered off as he realized what he was saying.
She said practically, "There you go. You're still having the dreams, so she obviously doesn't hate you. I don't know what happened, but when we reach the Shire, you can ask her yourself. Until then, hold onto hope."
He smiled warmly at her, "Thank you. My brother is indeed a lucky dwarf."
She laughed lightly at that, "Maybe, but he still pouts a lot if I'm not with him, so I'll leave you to your thoughts."
As she rode away, Fili decided that she was right, his heart much lighter than it had been moments ago.
Notes:Concerning Bombur. I did not have him wake up before the spider abduction simply because I didn't want to torture Bella with stories about imaginary feasts when she is already sick from where the forest is sick. I chose to exercise artistic license because I can, so there.
For some reason, when I think about Mirkwood, I see it in a series of brief scenes, tied together with long periods of numb slogging. That's what I tried to convey with this chapter.
And I love Tauriel and Fili's relationship in this story. I was going to leave Fili all angsty at the end and Tauriel's like, NOPE! Future bro is not going to worry about this if I can help it. Plus, when Fili's mopey, then Kili gets mopey. Dealing with a mopey Kili is like dealing with a sad puppy, no fun at all. So she straightened it all out.