Chapter 19
The next few days, Naome noticed a change in Shikamaru. He was somewhat turning back to normal, into someone she had loved so dearly before. He would still lounge around lazily, but his motivation to train came back. They also never really fought again, small arguments at times, yes, but he had begun to revert back to his logical self. In mere days, the entire environment in the home shifted. The two had begun to spend more time together again, and Shikamaru's relationship with his parents improved.
It was so easy for Naome to forget what had happened, afterall, she had never stopped loving him. Deep inside, they both knew the problem was with Shikamaru being unable to get over Asuma's death, but in the end, they were working through it together.
Naome still had nightmares though. Not as drastic as the ones before, but definitely enough to wake her up at night with tears budding in her eyes. What made it worse was that every time, Shikamaru would wake up next to her and ask her what was wrong, and she wouldn't be able to answer him.
Her dreams consisted of one topic only, and she figured it was likely from her guilty conscience. Every night, she dreamt that Shikamaru would find out about her one night stand with Kakashi. Every night, he would confront her, she would break his heart, and he would leave her, stranding her all alone in nothingness.
For each day that Shikamaru was healing and bettering himself, Naome felt worse and worse about what had happened. She had cheated on him. It was bad enough that her feelings for Kakashi had her cheating on Shikamaru emotionally, but she also cheated on him physically as well. At times, she couldn't even bear to look him in the face.
Her relationship with Kakashi had gotten back to normal. So normal, in fact, that when Kakashi had spotted the two chunin walking along the street together, he greeted them with the usual smile like nothing had happened.
"Well hello there, Shikamaru, Naome." He smiled with his eyes as he strolled casually with his hands in his pockets.
"Good morning." Shikamaru replied with a curt bow in respect despite the fact that he found it difficult to face his sensei knowing what he knew. Naome's face flushed as she awkwardly stood with the two men.
"What are you two love birds up to this morning?"
Shikamaru shot Kakashi a brief confused look in response to the pet name. "Just going for a walk. We thought we would go visit Asuma's grave and then go see Kurenai-sensei. Did you want to tag along?"
Naome froze. Her face went pale at the idea. Kakashi tagging along with the two of them was not on her plan for today and she was terrified.
Kakashi, noticing the uncharacteristic silence from the kunoichi, shot her a soft smile before responding. "It's quite alright. I'm just going to head out to run some errands and talk with a few colleagues. You two have fun!"
With that, Kakashi walked away and the two continued on with their day.
That night, Naome had the same nightmare that she had been having for the last few days. She had woken up in Kakashi's bed after a night together. She had reached out to Kakashi, aching for any sort of comfort or intimacy, or even to express her feelings for him, but he turned away and sat up on the edge of the bed, with his back facing her.
"You should go now."
His voice was cold. Final.
Naome felt her stomach sink. She felt bare, embarrassed, broken, and dejected. Afterall, her love for this man was still growing and so deep, but here she was, being completely vulnerable to him and he was turning a blind eye to it all.
"That's what you get."
Naome was suddenly surrounded by darkness. She looked around but nothing was there. There were voices though. Echoing. Everywhere.
"That's what you get." "You're such a whore." "How could you do that to someone who loves you so much?" "You like playing around? Well I'm happy you got played too." "You don't deserve either of them, you lying, cheating, self-centered, whore."
Naome curled into a ball, covering her ears with her hands and shutting her eyes, but it was no use. She could hear it all. Every single word was like a dagger being stabbed into her body. The reality hurt her.
She was a whore. She had broken the trust of someone, arguably, one of the only ones that truly loved her for who she was. Every time she heard it, she believed it more and more.
She felt a presence around her. Removing her hands and standing up, she saw Shikamaru's figure in front of her. She tried to reach out for him, but her body wouldn't move. No matter how much she called for him, he wouldn't turn around. Her voice never escaped her body.
When he did respond to her though, and turned to look at her, he held a look of hatred and disgust on his face. His eyes were cold, more so than she had ever seen before.
"I don't need to be talking to someone who is going around whoring herself out."
With that, he walked away. Leaving her in absolute darkness yet again.
Naome opened her eyes from the nightmare. Her chest felt heavy as she breathed in long deep breaths. Tears that had formed in the middle of her dream, rolled down the sides of her face as she stared at the ceiling.
Turning to her side, she found Shikamaru sound asleep next to her. She was thankful that she didn't wake him up again for another night in a row because this time, she was deeply affected by it.
She turned to her other side, facing away from the lazy genius and silently cried. Everything she did hit her hard. She ached knowing how shattered Shikamaru would be if he found out, but how she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she never let him know.
He would probably leave her, she figured. He wouldn't want to see her again. She would have to move out. Maybe it was about time she left the village anyways. Silently, she cried in her corner of the bed, wondering if it was time that she finally let the truth go. She couldn't deal with another sleepless night like this. She couldn't deal with another day of hiding it from Shikamaru.
The next morning, Naome met Kakashi at the training grounds for their training. She sat under the tree with her head buried in her arms as she waited. She didn't have any sleep the night before so she had practically fallen asleep in that position when Kakashi arrived.
Kakashi strolled in casually, with his novel in his hands. It had been over half an hour since their meeting time, and he had expected to get chewed out by his student anyways, so he figured he would take his time and enjoy his book. It seemed lately that he had more time for that because the girl hadn't been coming around as often now that Shikamaru was home more.
He had to admit, it hurt him to realize that. He even wondered if his analysis had been wrong and if Naome's feelings for him were nothing more than a small crush, and that he was a placement for Shikamaru. Regardless though, he figured it would be better this way. Now they were just student and teacher again.
That didn't say anything about his feelings though. He was still falling for her deeply, though he was scared to because of everything that had happened in his past, which is why when he stood in front of the girl who had barely lifted her head to acknowledge him, he grew worried.
Kakashi had been preparing for a long nagging lecture or at least a scowl from Naome once he had arrived late, but there she was, sitting on the ground with a dead look in her eyes. She didn't even bother to acknowledge the book that she hated so much which was opened in his hands.
"Had a long night?" Kakashi tried to tease her. She barely nodded before she stood up and dusted her bottom off. Kakashi watched as she slowly walked past him, reaching for her sword to begin training. In one swift motion, he stuffed his book in his pocket and grabbed her arm as she walked past, stopping her in her tracks.
"What's wrong?" He dropped his act. He was concerned, very concerned. The girl in front of him was not someone he'd known before. She could barely look him in the eyes. He brought his hand to the side of her face, and his thumb gently rubbed under her swollen eyelid. When Naome didn't respond, he started getting serious.
"What happened?" His voice was demanding, almost dark, as he contemplated what could have possibly happened for her to be this way. "Naome look at me."
Naome looked up to meet his eyes, her own orbs already filling with tears as she faced the man in front of her. Thoughts continued running her mind. How was it that all of this was wrong when she loved Kakashi so much?
"Was it Shikamaru?" Kakashi asked. His eyes narrowing at the possibility. He hadn't seen her like that since the days when her and Shikamaru were arguing non-stop. When Naome avoided eye contact, Kakashi grew more impatient.
"Was it Shikamaru?!" He growled. "What did he do to you?"
"Nothing. He's been nothing but great to me." Naome replied with a small voice. Yet her tears continued to fall, making Kakashi all the more anxious.
"Then what is it?"
Naome dropped her gaze to her feet. "I can't … Shikamaru … I can't look at him anymore knowing what I did." She broke down fully, finally being able to say the words out loud. Kakashi led her to under the tree and sat her sideways on his lap as she clung to his neck and cried into his collarbone. Kakashi used one hand to hold her there while the other rubbed soothing circles on her back. She mumbled a lot of things between her laboured breaths, none of which Kakashi truly caught until one word stuck out to him.
"...whore…I'm such a whore." Upset by her choice of words, Kakashi pulled away and used a hand to force her to look him in the eye.
"You. Are. Not. A. Whore." He reprimanded with absolute sternness in his voice. "Don't degrade yourself like that. Where are you getting those ideas from?"
"I cheated on him!-"
"No you didn't! Last I checked, you weren't in an official relationship. Even if you were, the way he was acting like a scumbag doesn't win him any merit points." Kakashi replied. His tone of voice lowered as his eyes softened. "Let me ask you something Naome. Do you regret what happened that night?"
Naome wanted to say yes. She really did because it was the right answer. She was supposed to regret her decision to be with Kakashi that one night. She was supposed to regret the fact that she broke every rule in the book to sleep with someone she wasn't supposed to be with. Yet she didn't regret it, because everything in that moment, all her feelings, it felt right.
"Because I didn't regret it." Both of them were stunned at the words that came out of Kakashi's mouth. Naome had thought that Kakashi hated what had happened. Kakashi himself, didn't even know what he was saying because now it felt like he was leading her on.
"I didn't either." Naome whispered as she leaned onto Kakashi for support.
Kakashi held her for a while despite the fact that he knew if someone showed up, they would be caught in an awkward position. She needed him at that moment.
Eventually, Naome's tears had dried. Their training session time had long passed but they remained in the same position as before. Naome could feel Kakashi's eyes on her as he checked if she was alright. She looked up to meet the eyes of her teacher. She had missed being with him and being close to him. A strong sense of relief flushed through her when she realized that this was what she was waiting for, confirmation that the feeling was real and that it was right.
Kakashi seemed to feel the same way as he reached up to pull his mask down, exposing his bare face to her once again. It was a wonder to him how he still felt drawn to her despite all the reservations that he had before and after that night. He tilted his head and leaned closer, wanting to feel those lips on his once again.
"Kakashi, wait." Naome's voice stunned him in his place. Despite her eyes and actions showing that she desired more, she stopped him anyways. "I should probably talk to Shikamaru first before we go any further."
Clearing his throat, Kakashi straightened up, backing away from kunoichi. "Yeah. You're right. I don't want this weighing on your conscience anymore."
He pulled his mask back up and helped Naome to her feet. Using one hand, he caressed her cheek. Naome blushed and paused, looking down at her feet. Only one dilemma weighed on her mind now that she was clear what she had to do. "But before I do...I need to know. What are we?"
Kakashi froze in his spot. She was right, what were they? They were no longer just student and teacher, and he was pretty certain that what they had and what they did, did not constitute under the idea of "friends." But he also knew that he wasn't ready to accept her feelings for him. Call him a coward, but he wasn't over it all. He wanted to be with her so bad, but every time he would think that he had fallen in love with her, he thought of Rin, and every time he thought of Rin, he thought of the number of people in his life that he lost who were close to him. Not to mention, he considered the fact that if he accepted Naome's feelings for him, he wouldn't be able to protect her from the looks and remarks from society, or even both of them potentially losing their jobs as shinobi.
So the question still stood. What were they?
Noticing his hesitation, Naome spoke up first. "Can I just put it out there? You mean a lot to me."
"I know." Kakashi's voice was broken but he felt it was important to at least validate her feelings.
"As in...more than just friends."
Kakashi closed his eyes. He knew he would have to hurt the girl in front of him and it destroyed him to even think about it. "I know...but Naome...we can't be together."
"Can't we just-"
"No." He drew the line. Even with his eyes closed, he could sense the heartbreak in her eyes. "Naome we can't."
"Then what the hell are we? You can't tell me you aren't feeling the same thing I am."
"I'm attracted to you Naome." Kakashi responded. His hands held hers in response. "You have to believe me, I am so damn attracted to everything about you. But we can't have our feelings involved. It won't end well for either one of us."
"So that's what it is then." Naome took a step back, hurt evident in her eyes but Kakashi could tell she was trying to mask it from him. "No feelings involved. Is that what you want it to be then? Call it what it is Kakashi, friends with benefits."
Kakashi stared at the girl in awe. Friends with benefits? Is that what it was? Is that what he wanted? Then he figured, maybe if he played along well enough, that she would give up. He could be with her, pretend to be void of romantic feelings for her, and then maybe then, she would let go once she saw he wasn't giving in. He almost chuckled at how selfish he was for even conjuring those thoughts. He just wanted to string her along and be with her, without ever telling her how he felt.
"I...I would be okay with it." Naome said softly after Kakashi didn't respond. Kakashi watched her, his heart aching because he knew that really, she wasn't okay with it. She deserved so much more. She deserved to be loved. "Of course, I would have to tell Shikamaru…"
"Yeah you should tell him everything." Kakashi agreed. He was being so damn selfish for not correcting her otherwise, that he was sure he would die a long and painful death and then be sent to hell.
"Okay." Naome took a deep breath and stepped back. She let go of Kakashi's hands and turned to leave. Unbeknownst to her, Kakashi was watching very intently on her every move, and he knew right away that she was bawling on her way out of the training grounds. All he had to do was tell her how he felt, and yet, he was a coward, and broke her heart again.
When Naome got home, she laid on her usual spot on the roof top as she waited for Shikamaru to get home. With each second that was passing, she grew more and more anxious. She tried to come up with every scenario in her head, many of which resulted in Shikamaru leaving her. For a moment she wondered, if Shikamaru gave her an ultimatum and forced her to choose one or the other, who would she choose? She no longer felt that she was emotionally or physically capable of being away from either one of the two.
"Waiting for me?" Shikamaru was standing on the ground, with his hands stuck in his pocket as per usual. He looked up at the kunoichi with a half smirk on his face. When he caught Naome's attention, he leaped into the air and joined her on the rooftop. "Miss me?"
"Oh yeah, it's only been a few hours but I missed you." Naome replied with a sarcastic roll of the eyes. Shikamaru chuckled and turned to face her, propping his head on his elbow.
"You will miss me. I'm heading to Sunagakure tomorrow for a few days." He said.
Naome frowned, "oh...You're leaving again? Is it something important?"
Shikamaru sighed. "Nothing hugely important. Gaara, the Kazekage, just wanted me to fill him in on what I knew about the Akatsuki. They too are investigating them. Anyways, I should be back in only a week this time including the travel time."
"Oh that's good."
Shikamaru grew worried at the lack of words coming from the girl. She had looked a bit distant since the morning. "Were you waiting to tell me something?" He asked.
"Yeah." Naome's voice was almost a whisper as she took Shikamaru's free hand in her own. "I...I don't know how to say it…"
"Take your time."
"I…" She bit her lip nervously. "The other night...when I ran away after our argument...That night, Kakashi-sensei and I…we slept together."
Shikamaru closed his eyes. His breath grew shaky, but he knew better than to show her otherwise. He knew it would be coming sooner or later, but it hurt him more than he expected to hear it. Shikamaru had loved her endlessly, but it was his fault anyways that she ran away that night. He beat himself up for it every time he saw Kakashi around town.
He caressed Naome's hand as he tried to come up with something to say. Something that would not cause her to worry, because after all, he already knew what had happened and never blamed her for it.
"Oh...I guess I kind of figured." Shikamaru said, trying to make it so that his voice wasn't shaking.
"I'm sorry." Naome dropped her head. "I couldn't sleep every night after that. You asked me what was wrong. I just couldn't get it off my mind. I understand if you don't want me around anymore."
The words shocked Shikamaru. If he didn't want her around anymore? Yet the entire time, he thought if the truth ever came out, she wouldn't want him anymore. "Aren't you and Kakashi…"
Naome shook her head. Shikamaru didn't miss the broken look on her face as she did so. "No. He doesn't have any feelings for me."
"Oh…" Hearing the news from Naome's mouth both sent a sense of relief down his spine, and angered him beyond belief. He wouldn't mind if Naome had left him for Kakashi, because then at least he knew she would be happy, but now he wondered if the silver-haired ninja was simply playing with her feelings and using her body.
"So then you guys are…"
"Friends with benefits would best describe it." Naome still shivered at the term. Never had she thought she would be the one to be in one of those relationships. She looked up at Shikamaru, "but only if you're okay with it."
If he was okay with it? Hell no, he wasn't okay with it! But what could he say? To be honest, that term seemed to be the most accurate one for them as well. Afterall, they were never official, and he regretted it every moment since he realized that mistake. His heart ached. There was nothing he could say or do. What was he supposed to tell her, no? Damn it, he cursed in his mind, I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved with women.
Instead, he held onto what little hope he had left for the two of them, and pushed down his feeling of wanting to simultaneously cry, yell in frustration, and throw up.
"Yeah...I guess that's fine." He reached over and caressed her face, his heart breaking in the process. "I don't want you to lose sleep over it anymore. I don't blame you for what happened. We never put a title on our relationship. I just want you to figure out what's best for you."
He paused, taking in another trembling breath before he continued. "Just know that there's no way in hell I would ever leave you or push you aside unless you tell me to." His heart was her's now, and it had been for a while.
"I would never." Naome insisted but Shikamaru knew better. He saw the way she looked at Kakashi and he knew. Yet he forced a smile on his face, and pulled her close.
"Okay."
The next morning, Naome got up early to walk Shikamaru to the front gate. They walked in a comfortable silence with Naome chuckling whenever Shikamaru would let out a loud and drawn out yawn.
"I hate morning missions." Shikamaru murmured as he hunched over and placed his hands in his pockets.
Naome giggled and hooked an arm into one of his. "When do you ever like any mission? You always complain that it's such a drag."
Shikamaru sighed, a grin forming on his face. "That's true. It just sucks when it's extra dark outside." He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. "Wanna come with me?"
Naome cringed at the thought of the desert. Of all the villages she traveled to back then, she hated that one the most because it was way too hot, dry, and dusty. "No thanks. Not a huge fan of that village."
"You're right. Why does it have to be me? What a drag."
"Because you're you. You're smart, you have potential, and I think in the future, you know where you stand on the advisory committee. Besides, who's going to keep Naruto in check when he becomes hokage?" She cuddled closer to his arm. "Your parents are really proud of you, you know?"
He smiled, thinking about the future. He knew Naome was right. The day would come when Naruto would need him. He knew he was on the right track for the future. He just hoped that she would be there too. They had reached the gate by then and Shikamaru turned to face her.
"What about you? Are you proud of me?" He said in a half joking manner.
Naome wrapped her arms around his waist as she looked into his eyes. She relished in the familiar feeling of his warmth, the feeling of home. "Yeah I'm super proud of you."
They leaned in, their lips meeting. Both of them feeling a familiar sense of love and passion returning to them. The rough patch was over. They were in the clear now. It was a feeling that Naome didn't realize she missed so much until now. Though less jarring now, she still felt the butterfly feeling in her stomach as she kissed him.
Eventually, Shikamaru broke the kiss, his palm still lingering at the back of her neck. He gave her one last kiss on the forehead before he backed away, leaving the kunoichi shivering from the sudden loss of heat around her.
"I gotta get going now." He said, sticking his hands back in his pockets again.
"I'll see you in a week." Naome smiled. "I'll be waiting right here when you come back."
"Looking forward to it." He replied, already missing the sensation of home. He turned and walked towards the dark trees, with the sunlight barely breaking out in front of him. Naome watched until he faded into the distance.
Shikamaru barely broke inside the dense treeline when he felt a familiar presence in front of him. "What a surprise. You're here to see me off?"
Kakashi stepped out from the shadows. Shikamaru noticed, even in the dim light, the exhaustion and restless nights that etched itself on the older man's face. Still, the silver-haired ninja carried a sense of mysteriousness, power, and confidence to him. "I just wanted to speak to you quickly before you left."
"What a coincidence," Shikamaru said, a smirk playing on his face. "I wanted to speak to you too."
Kakashi didn't beat around the bush. "I take it that Naome talked to you about what happened between us."
"She did."
"Well...I just thought….is there anything you wanted to say?" Kakashi asked.
Shikamaru looked up into the eyes of the shinobi in front of him. "What can I say?"
Kakashi dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Shikamaru sighed, "I don't care what you two do. That's between you and her. Just promise me one thing: don't hurt her."
Kakashi let out a deep breath. He knew he couldn't promise Shikamaru that. He knew the whole premise of friends with benefits was because he couldn't return the same love and affection that Naome deserved so much. He knew that bringing her into this meant that he was allowing her to become more invested and more hopeful, yet she was going to be broken at the end. It was never his intention though. He truly wanted to be with her, just not with all the societal pressures and his demons lurking from the past.
Shikamaru took his silence as his answer. He saw the pain that Kakashi held behind his expression and his actions. He figured the jonin must have been figuring things out on his own as well so he didn't penalize him for it. The whole situation was rough for all three of him. Maybe it was a good time for him to get away for a bit.
Shikamaru walked on, past his sensei, as he continued on the path towards Sunagakure. He stopped briefly when Kakashi was just far enough behind him, that he couldn't see his pained expression anymore, but was still in earshot.
"Tell me Kakashi-sensei. Do you have feelings for her?" He let his words echo in the trees and hang in the air. He wasn't surprised that Kakashi didn't answer him.
"Well I'm just going to let you know...Regardless of your answer, I'm still going to fight for her either way." He paused, taking in a shaky breath as he closed his eyes.
"But I'd figured if you did have feelings for her….I'd probably lose."
With that, he disappeared into the trees, leaving a stunned Kakashi drowning in his thoughts.