Chapter 29: John Phoenix Breaks Kristoph Gavin Out of Prison
John Phoenix used his psychic powers to break Kristoph Gavin out of prison. It was simplicity in itself; all John Phoenix had to do was touch his forehead and then the key floated out of the guard's pocket and into Kristoph's cell. This worked even though John Phoenix was in a different country because John Phoenix has psychic powers.
"Thank you, John Phoenix," said Kristoph Gavin, smiling. John Phoenix heard this because Kristoph Gavin has psychic powers. He had only begun to tap into them recently with the help of John Phoenix, but they had always been there.
"You're welcome, my friend."
John Phoenix finished giving Kristoph his instructions, and then Merlin flew by on his broomstick.
"Johnny, my boy," said Merlin, "the Dragon is outside the royal palace! He's using the crystal to perform miracles and convert people to terrorism!"
John Phoenix was enraged! But he also wasn't.
"Hershel, I must go and defeat the leader of the KRA and put an end to this war," said John Phoenix to his dear friend.
"I understand, John," replied Professor Layton. "The Khurainese Crystal could be very dangerous in the wrong hands, so be careful!"
John Phoenix flew to the base to get suited up for the final battle. The John Phoenix theme song played as John Phoenix put on his power armor. There were a lot of cool sound effects as he slipped on each individual piece. His cool helmet slid on and the visor lowered over his super intense eyes. Then the visor glowed red in a cool way.
DUH NUH NUH NUH, JOHN PHOENIX, JOHN PHOENIIIIIX!
"Ohohoho," said Dr. Hotti.
John Phoenix grabbed a futuristic spear and ran down a corridor filled with flashing red lights as an alarm blared!
"The KRA have completely overrun the city, sir, and our forces have been all but wiped out!" said a man in the control room. General Payne steepled his fingers and watched the destruction unfold over the monitor.
"I see... it appears we have no choice but to use America's ultimate weapon." He lifted a glass case and pressed a button. "Release the Phoenix!"
NUH NUH NUH, JOHN JOHN PHOENIX, JOHN JOHN PHOENIX!
John Phoenix shot out of a missile silo and took to the skies with his metallic pegasus wings! He flew towards the royal palace to stop the insane terrorist leader, but there was a squadron of fighter jets waiting for him! They fired the machine guns! But then a strange plane did a barrel roll in front of John Phoenix and deflected the bullets!
"Need some assistance?" It was Miles Edgeworth in his new quadplane!
The two friends teamed up and effortlessly defeated the enemy planes. John Phoenix flew underneath a jet and jabbed his spear through the bottom of the plane and pierced the pilot in the stomach! He pulled the man out through the hole and the jet went out of control and crashed into a church!
"Please don't kill me," sobbed the pilot. "The terrorists kidnapped my daughter and forced me to fly their plane. I don't want to die."
"Spare me the sob story."
John Phoenix ripped out the pilot's heart and pinned it to the man's arm with a knife.
"You shouldn't wear your heart on your sleeve."
John Phoenix flicked the pilot off his spear like a booger and flung him into the burning church.
"Excellent work, John Phoenix," complimented Miles. "Terrorists often concoct far fetched tales like that in an attempt to avoid their richly deserved fates. It never works." He fired a rocket and blew up another jet.
Meanwhile in the streets below, John Phoenix's allies were engaged in close-quarters combat with the enemy.
"Damn you terrorists!" said Klavier. "I hate terrorism!" He chopped a terrorist's head off with a machete and then Kyle fired a rocket launcher down the exposed neck hole, exploding the vital organs that humans need to live, thus causing the terrorist to die. The man's driver license landed in Klavier's hand.
"Heh, organ donor, huh? How ironic," Klavier said. "You can't do that because you don't have organs." Everyone laughed and then Klavier and Matt and Shelly and Kyle and Apollo and other people killed more terrorists.
Meanwhile...
The Dragon, fully decked out in his armor, was addressing a crowd in front of the royal palace. With him were his terrorist friends: Manfred von Robot, Don and Juan Paolo, Morgan le Fey, Principal Buddy Johnson, Damon Gant, a shadowy figure, the teacher John Phoenix punched, the conductor, and a man who was half vampire, half werewolf.
"Let the king and queen go, you... you terrorist!" cried an angry peasant. The king and queen were locked up in stocks.
"No," said the Dragon. "They are bad. They abuse their power and refused to meet our very reasonable demands. They are bad. I will be a better leader. Also, I won't be the leader. I will be your best friend."
The peasant was struck by these words. He had never had a friend before. Perhaps the KRA wasn't so bad after all? The other peasants nodded and seemed swayed by these words as well.
"Now behold!" The Dragon lifted the crystal above his head. "With this crystal I shall perform miracles! You, disgusting leper! Come here!"
Dylan Fitchar crawled out of the crowd as people kicked and spit at him. Dylan flinched as the Dragon raised his hand, but instead of hitting him, the Dragon shot healing rays out of his fingertips!
"H-hey! My tongue's regenerated! I can speak!" cried Dylan. "And I think my cancer's gone, too!" He started dancing around on his tippy toes and the peasants all cheered and the crystal began to glow!
"Ah, all accordion to plan," said the Dragon. You see, the crystal was powered by terrorism.
Suddenly a jet crashed into the crowd and blew up! Limbs and severed heads flew everywhere! Then a robot man emerged from the smoke and the flames.
"Master, who is this!" cried Manfred von Robot. "His suit looks just like yours!
"No," replied John Phoenix. "It's original. I came up with the design independently."
"John Phoenix..." growled the Dragon. "You monster! Do you even care how many people you just killed?"
"No," said John Phoenix. "Also, I crashed the jet into the crowd and blew their limbs and heads off in such a way that no one died. And only the bad people got hurt. The good people didn't get hurt."
Then John Phoenix's friends arrived to back him up! Edgeworth landed his plane, Merlin flew in on his broomstick with Layton and Luke, and Klavier and the others shot their way through the crowd!
The terrorists raised their guns, but the Dragon waved an arm for them to stop without turning around.
"No, this is between me and John Phoenix." He handed the crystal to Morgan and took out his futuristic halberd. "I tried to avoid this, John Phoenix, but you refused to go home. Now I will send you home in a box! DIE!"
Then John Phoenix and the evil terrorist leader flew into the sky and engaged in an epic fight! It was so epic that trying to describe it would be pointless, so let's see what Kristoph Gavin is up to instead.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles
As Kristoph Gavin made his way to the district court, he reflected on his friendship with John Phoenix. Merely a few days after being born, John Phoenix started sending him fan mail and well wishes. Kristoph had been touched, and also impressed by the young boy's dream of becoming a defense attorney and his belief that Kristoph was innocent and one of the greatest lawyers to ever live. Kristoph encouraged John Phoenix's dreams, and considered himself the boy's mentor.
Later, after John Phoenix unlocked his psychic powers, he began helping Kristoph tap into his own powers as well. Now it was time to pay John Phoenix back for all he had done. Kristoph was determined to save John Phoenix's cousin!
Since Kristoph was an escaped criminal, the first thing to do was to impersonate his brother Klavier Gavin so he could defend John Phoenix's cousin.
Kristoph took off his glasses.
Then, he moved his hair slightly.
Finally, he pulled a dead man out of burned-out car and put on the man's purple shirt.
"I have become my brother," said Kristoph Gavin. Now that he was his brother, he hurried with quickened step to the courthouse.
When he arrived, he saw that the courthouse had been covered with an anti-psychic material (tin foil) to prevent the use of psychic powers during trials. John Phoenix, enraged, used telekinesis across oceans and continents to fling dumpsters and semi trucks at the court. Police officers fired volleys of rockets to deflect the psychic projectiles.
Kristoph took advantage of the explosions to sneak into the court, and then he crawled around in the air vents until he got to the defense lobby where John Phoenix's cousin was. Kristoph watched John Phoenix's cousin and John Phoenix's cousin's lawyer through the grill.
"Why, that man is no more than a mere public defender!" cried Kristoph in disgust. "Oh no, this won't do, not at all."
He punched open the air vent and then killed the peasant lawyer with a fire extinguisher he had concealed in his pants.
"Mr. Klavier, what are you doing here?" asked John Phoenix's cousin. "And why did you kill my lawyer?"
"Simple, fraulein, the man was a terrorist! All public defenders in this country are part of a terrorist conspiracy to ensure that you receive a poor defense! John Phoenix told me."
"Wow! How shocking! But who's gonna defend me? I couldn't get anyone else to do it."
"Fret not, that's why I'm here, to defend you!" said Kristoph, stuffing the corpse into the air vent. He took some rats out of his pockets and they began eating the corpse. "I always keep trained rats in my pocket. It's more efficient than eating the corpse myself. Besides, I am not, nor have I ever been, a cannibal."
John Phoenix's cousin got nervous. John Phoenix's cousin didn't remember Klavier Gavin being so insane and creepy. Could John Phoenix's cousin trust John Phoenix's cousin's life to this man? But John Phoenix's cousin knew that John Phoenix worked in mysterious ways, so John Phoenix's cousin allowed John Phoenix's cousin's self be led by Kristoph into the courtroom.
In the courtroom...
Bang! "Court is now in session for the trial of John Phoenix's cousin!"
"The prosecution is ready, Your Honor," said Max Payne, Winston Payne's bratty teenage son.
"The defense is ready, Your Honor," said Kristoph Gavin.
The Judge blinked. "Wait a minute, aren't you Kristoph Gavin? The disgraced defense attorney who escaped from prison earlier and killed seven guards on his way out?"
"Ha ha ha... achtung, Your Honor! You are mistaken. I am actually my brother Klavier Gavin."
"You are... your brother... Oh, I see! You are Klavier Gavin. You should be more careful how you word things, for a moment it sounded like you were saying you're Kristoph Gavin disguised as Klavier Gavin!"
"Ha ha, how silly. My bad, Your Honor."
"Well," said the Judge, "now that's that settled, let's begin the trial."
"Objection!" whined Max Payne. "Your Honnnnnoooooor, Klavier Gavin is a prosecutor, he can't be the defense!"
Kristoph objected right back. "Objection! My, my, aren't you an ignorant whelp? Surely you heard about the new law passed recently? I've been in prison until an hour ago and even I am aware of this law!"
"What law would this be, Mr. Gavin?" asked the Judge.
"Quite simply, if no defense attorney can be found to represent a defendant, then a prosecutor may serve as defense. This law was deemed necessary because of the new single day trial rule. As you are no doubt aware, due to the soaring crime rate and the staggering number of defendants to be tried, all trials must last only day!"
"Oh yes, now I remember," nodded the judge.
"OBJECTION" said Max Payne. "But that law is only supposed to be used as last resort! We'll just get another public defender to represent John Phoenix's cousin."
Kristoph laughed and shook his head. "I'm afraid that you'll find that all the public defenders in the country are dead, killed in mysterious 'accidents.'"
"You did this, didn't you?" asked Max Payne.
Kristoph just smiled. "Or John Phoenix. Seems like something he'd do, doesn't it?"
"Well, since there's no other option," said the Judge, "Klavier Gavin is a temporary defense attorney. Now let's begin the trial!"
"Ugh, fine, whatever grandpa," said Max Payne. "I call Lisa Basil to the stand!"
Meanwhile, in the attic above the courtroom, Lotta Hart moved a floorboard (actually a ceilingboard) out of the way and aimed her camera at the witness.
"Y'all better not let us down, bitch," she whispered, "or else it's curtains!" Her camera is a gun.
Max Payne asked for Lisa's name and occupation.
"I am Lisa Basil, the overseer at the robot orphanage where this terrible crime took place!"
"Okay, lady, you saw John Phoenix's cousin kill Machi Tobaye, right?" asked Max. "Tell us about that."
Lisa began her testimony.
"I saw John Phoenix's cousin stab the victim with a knife."
Suddenly Kristoph objected so loudly the entire courtroom shook and parts of the ceiling fell into the gallery!
"OBJECTION! Witness! There's a contradiction in your statement just now."
"Ugh, no there's not, shut uuuuup," whined Max Payne.
"Ahaha," replied Kristoph, "but there is! There's no knife in the court record! That means she couldn't have seen a knife."
"Grack!" cried Lisa. "But I did see a knife!"
"No you didn't," said Kristoph. "It doesn't exist."
"OBJECTION" said Max Payne. "But the autopsy report says the victim was stabbed..."
"Then there's only one explanation," said Kristoph. "If Lisa did see a knife, it must have been because it was in her own hand, and she was stabbing the victim with it. If John Phoenix's cousin was the REAL murderer, Lisa would have seen where she hid the knife, and it would be in the court record!"
"AHHHHH, NOOOOOOO!" screamed Lisa, slamming her face into the stand.
"But... but of course!" cried the Judge. "It's so obvious. Good work, Mr. Kristoph. I find the defendant..."
"Objection!" said Max Payne. "One question, Mr. Gavin: if Lisa is the murderer, then where did she hide the murder weapon? Because she hasn't been allowed to leave the orphanage until today, and the entire building and the grounds were searched, and we also searched all the orphans and staff. We didn't find anything!"
"Hold it! I could ask you the same thing. How did my client have dispose of the knife?"
"SHUT UP because proper procedure wasn't followed. It appears the arresting detective is a friend of the defendant's father and went easy on her. She wasn't even handcuffed! I have here a transcript of the conversation they had while driving to the police station. The detective left the radio on."
TRUCY WRIGHT: Gumshoe, drive there as fast as you can! And put the top down!
DETECTIVE GUMSHOE: [chuckles] You got it, pal!
[Sounds of police cruiser roof retracting]
TRUCY WRIGHT: Yay! Hey, why aren't you using the sirens?
DETECTIVE GUMSHOE: Um, that's kinda broken right now... with this economy and the war and all there's not enough money in the budget to fix it.
TRUCY WRIGHT: Then let's be the sirens ourselves!
DETECTIVE GUMSHOE: Good thinking! Whee ooh whee ooh whee ooh!
TRUCY WRIGHT: Whee ooh whee ooh whee ooh!
[Sounds of incompetent detective and obnoxious child imitating police sirens]
"Since she wasn't searched right away," explained Max, "she could have hidden the knife in her stupid hat or something and then thrown it down a manhole. That's probably why she asked Detective Dumbshoe to put the top down." Max ran a hand through his glorious mane. "See, Klavier? She's the only one who could have disposed of the murder weapon!"
"There's another possibility, Max," said Kristoph, glowering. It that moment he became Pisstoph Gavin. "One you seem intent on ignoring. Namely, that the killer didn't dispose of the weapon, and it's in this very courtroom! Lisa Basil just ate the knife! It's in her stomach right now!"
The gallery went crazy! Lisa was sweating hard!
"OBJECTION you've been watching too many of your client's magic tricks," said Max. "Nobody can eat a knife, they'd die."
"OBJECTION ah, but you assume the murder weapon was a normal knife! But if it was a FOLDING KNIFE, all she would have to do to eat it safely it is to FOLD IT!"
The camera zoomed in on Kristoph's face. "LISA BASIL, THE MURDERER IS YOU!"
Lisa wailed and punched herself in the gut, which caused the knife to unfold, and then she started doing hula hoop motions and the knife bounced around in her stomach and her intestines and blood shot out everywhere. Then, finally, she collapsed and died, the tell-tale knife sticking out.
Kristoph played air violin instead of air guitar, because he's more cultured than his brother, and said: "And that, Your Honor, is a confession."
The Judge found John Phoenix's cousin NOT GUILTY! Everyone cheered! But then Lotta Hart aimed her camera at John Phoenix's cousin. She was about to pull the trigger when a mysterious masked man burst into the attic and karate chopped her in the back of the neck!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Lotta fell out of attic and got impaled on the knife sticking out Lisa's stomach! The Judge looked at the ceiling.
"Oh my, who is that mysterious masked man? Oh well, court is adjourned!"
In the defense lobby...
"Thanks a lot, Mr. Gavin!" said John Phoenix's cousin. Just then the mysterious masked man entered the room and took off his mask. He was actually Phoenix Wright!
"Daddy!" squealed John Phoenix's cousin. "What are you doing out of prison!"
"A mysterious masked man broke into prison and then he broke me and Larry and Spark out," he explained. "Most of the cops were assigned to rocket launcher duty in front of the courthouse, or looking for Kristoph, so it wasn't too hard. Then I put on a mask and became mysterious myself and came to make sure the terrorists didn't try any funny business!"
So John Phoenix's uncle and John Phoenix's cousin hugged, but then a ceiling cleaner fell from the ceiling!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
His glasses flew off and landed on Klavier's nose... revealing him to actually be...
"Kristoph Gavin?" cried John Phoenix's uncle and John Phoenix's cousin. Phoenix stared hard for a moment, and then embraced Kristoph. Kristoph was surprised, but he hugged back.
"Thank you, Kristoph," said Phoenix Wright. "Thank you for saving my daughter. I'm sorry for forging evidence and putting you in prison."
"I apologize, too, Wright. For getting you disbarred, even though in a way it was mostly your fault, because I was testing you, and you shouldn't have used random evidence given to you by suspicious child."
Phoenix laughed. "Yeah, I can be pretty stupid at times! Thankfully I have people like John Phoenix and you to keep me on the right track when I get a little TOO stupid!"
The two men uncoupled and shook hands manfully. They were best friends again.
Trucy, whoops, I mean John Phoenix's cousin, gave a thumbs up. Then there was an explosion outside! Everyone ran to the window and saw a huge mushroom cloud in the distance!
A little while earlier...
John Phoenix and the Dragon had been engaged in a most interesting debate about religion and the best form of government, and during this debate they had thrown buildings and trees at each other and destroyed half the city. Now the Dragon's armor had cracks all over it.
"Time to shoot your cracks," said John Phoenix. Panels in his legs opened and he pulled out two custom 9mm Mac-10's. They were special because they had four magazines each: one on the bottom, two on the sides, and one on top, forming a cross shape. This was appropriate because John Phoenix is a holy warrior of justice.
He fired the guns while spinning around the air, sending a hailstorm of bullets at the terrorist leader! The bullets landed in the cracks and then expanded, because they were expanding bullets, and the Dragon's armor flew off revealing...
"Who are you?" asked John Phoenix. "And why do you look like me?" The man looked just like John Phoenix except his suit was red and he had a mullet.
"I am Percy Percival," said the adopted son of the king, hovering in the air. "But my real name... is John Dragon! I am your twin brother! That baby your mother delivered that the doctors thought was dead? That was me! But now I'm back from the dead to do battle with you. In Khurainese mythology, the phoenix and the dragon are mortal enemies. I tried to avoid my destiny, but now I'm ready to put a stop to you and your destructive ways! And then no one can stop me on my quest for world unification! Prepare to die!"
To be continued one last time!