The camp was bustling with people who prepared to leave, but we remained rooted to the spot. Once Clarke stormed away, we were left staring at each other with no desire to move. I tried to force some words out in support of him, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I didn't know if I could find any strength to share.
"For what it's worth, I want to stay…"
I quickly trailed off as I felt my breath hitch and a single tear slipped out of my carefully controlled facade. I bit my lip in an effort to contain the wave of feelings that was crashing over me but it was too late. Bellamy noticed my reaction and pulled me to a quiet spot so that we could talk without the audience of camp.
"Hey, you're okay, it's okay." He spoke soothingly and put his hands on my shoulders as he leaned down to meet my eyes.
At his kind gesture and concerned eyes, I finally cracked under the pressure. The tears flooded suddenly from me, pouring down my cheeks and I shook violently all over. I was completely unable to consider my actions as the storm exploded in my mind. I threw myself into his chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around me with no hesitation. Although our enormous height difference had been nothing other than an inconvenience until now, especially when I was furiously yelling upward at him, in my despair it became an unexpected blessing. As he squeezed me into him and I tucked my head under his chin, I got the sensation that he was my shield against the world. There was a sense of safety that was foreign to me and it allowed me a moment that I didn't realise I needed until now, a chance to express weakness. Since our arrival on Earth, I had been exhausted by the constant illusion of strength that I depended on and it was a welcome relief to drop the act for even a few minutes. I closed my eyes tightly as I burrowed my face into his chest and was comforted by the warmth of his body that ran slightly warmer than my own. I was jolted by the image of him dangling by his neck which was burned behind my eyes and not even the safety of his arms could remove it.
"I lost you." I whispered in a terrified voice and he pushed me back to peek down at me in confusion. "For a few seconds, I lost you." I confessed as I met his eyes and he furrowed his brows. "When I climbed through the vent and saw you there...I thought you were gone. That image of you hanging, I feel like it will haunt me forever." A small sob escaped my lips and I abruptly could not manage any more words.
"But I'm not gone. I'm still here thanks to you. You saved my life today, again." He clarified firmly as he stared into my eyes and carefully brushed away a tear from my cheek.
"It was my fault!" I exclaimed causing him to frown. "I defended him when you wanted to throw him out, I put you in an impossible position and I was cruel to you. Only for it to turn out that you were right all along and it nearly cost you everything!" I hissed in a stressed stutter as I sniffed back any further tears.
"No. It's not your fault." He argued in a tone of disbelief as he assessed my expression. "He wanted to kill me because of the decisions that I made. This was on me." He insisted and I felt guilty for making him reflect on his mistake with Murphy again. I stared at him for a few seconds, absorbing all of the details of how he looked, committing them to memory for fear that one day I might truly need it. He was perfect in the soft afternoon light, even with the worry that dominated his face as he studied me. I couldn't control the fear that gripped me as I gazed upon him and I realised just how close I'd come to losing him.
"Bellamy, I know that you had to save Jasper and I really am thankful for that. But please, don't ever take a risk like that again, I don't think I could go through that- to not be able to get to you-" I stumbled over my words as I strained to explain the panic that I'd felt and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks just at the thought of ever experiencing a repeat of this type of situation. He gently wrapped me in his arms again and my chest wracked as I wept against him.
"Shh." He soothed, rubbing a hand gently on my back whilst I whimpered. He was tender and comforting as he allowed me to calm down in my own time. I couldn't tell how long had passed in his embrace and he made no effort to rush me. The world seemed to stop around us as he held me in the quiet bubble of safety and my heart raced when he placed a featherlight kiss on my forehead. I finally felt the shaking in my body slow to a stop and the chaos in my mind subsided. I took a few deep breaths in an effort to regain control and when it was clear that I had settled, he cleared his throat.
"We should probably start packing up, it sounds like the others want to get going as soon as possible." Bellamy suggested in a soft voice and he patiently waited for me to move first. I reluctantly extracted myself from him and he released me back into the cold air.
"I don't want to leave, this is our home." I whispered as I met his eyes with a regretful expression. I was glad that I was finally calm enough to express my thoughts and I could tell from his reaction that he was pleased to find that I was on his side.
"Neither do I." He sighed in frustration and rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. "But, no offense, I don't think you and I can fight off the grounders, just the two of us, even with your killer shots." He commented playfully and I managed a small laugh. I noticed that his eyes lit up at the sight of it and it made my stomach flip.
We stood in comfortable silence for a few lingering moments and I explored him with a fond smile. The heat that radiated between us was suffocating, but I couldn't tear my eyes from him. I was drowning in his deep-set, whisky brown eyes and they gave me the sensation that I was being drawn into him. I couldn't recognise my own thoughts as my body moved without my consideration. All of the things I'd been told to do by everyone else no longer mattered, all the advice filtered away into silence and my mind offered no guidance. It was as if the world around us fell away until it was just him and I. I stepped closer to him with a desperate need to feel his touch and he obliged as his hand fell naturally onto my arm. My breathing hitched at the contact and I regarded him with sultry eyes. I slowly shifted my weight onto my toes, raising myself up into his space and my hand settled gently on his shoulder. My instincts led me to apply slight pressure, guiding him down to meet me and as he did, our faces grew close enough to feel his hot breath on my skin. This time, my heart wasn't hammering; my hands were steady, my nerves relaxed and every moment felt exactly right, like it was meant to happen. I felt the tip of my nose touch his cheek and our lips brushed so slightly that I couldn't feel anything other than the sensation of electricity as it shot through my body.
"Bellamy! Indigo!" A sharp call interrupted us and I jumped back, startled out of the moment. "Come on, we need to go!"
I cleared my throat awkwardly and felt my face burning with heat as the world returned in a crash around me. I couldn't manage to meet his eyes and instead I stepped past him without another word. I jogged over to Octavia who was inspecting camp for us but I was reassured to find that she didn't seem to have noticed us yet. She seemed relieved as I reached her.
"Come on, we need to get our tent packed and I've got a present for you." She stated and I forced a smile despite the overwhelming temptation to glance back to Bellamy.
I followed her back to the tent with a heavy feeling of unfinished business. We tried to be efficient in packing, ensuring that we had stowed rations, water and plenty of weapons. Octavia presented me with an assault rifle, assuring me that I was ready for the upgrade and that I would need it for the journey. It took very little time to pack our modest possessions and we left our tent for the last time. I parted from Octavia to check on Raven and wandered into the dropship to find Finn and a couple of others rushing to put together a stretcher. I glanced around worriedly in search of her.
"What's happening?" I called out to Finn as I observed the commotion that filled the tightly packed space.
"Clarke cauterised the wound but the bullet is still inside." Finn answered over his shoulder as he worked. "She can't walk or she'll move it. We're gonna carry her." He stated firmly and I raised my brows at his words. I moved closer to the surface that Raven was lying on and peeked down at her with a heavily guilty expression.
"I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry." I breathed, hardly able to meet her eyes without feeling a surge of anxiety. The calmness that I'd felt with Bellamy had already dissolved and I returned to stressing over the consequences of my choices. She reached over to take my hand in hers and squeezed it firmly to draw my attention to her face.
"Hey, don't do that." She asserted, leaning forward to force me to meet her eyes. "You did what you had to. I'm gonna be fine." She confirmed as she smiled at me supportively and I sighed.
"I should be the one reassuring you right now." I confessed guilty and she chuckled under her breath before flinching from pain.
"Indie, we need to get going." Finn cleared his throat and spoke in a hurried voice. "We've gotta get her ready to move." He ordered and I nodded back at him in acknowledgement. I smiled appreciatively at her and squeezed her hand one last time before stepping out of their way.
I couldn't stand to watch how delicate she was as they lifted her into the stretcher, so I returned outside to find Octavia. I scanned the stripped, bare looking camp as people started to gather together to leave. I felt a sense of reluctance as I reflected that this would be the last time I would see the place that I now considered home and before I could think twice about the decision to leave, it was time. I noticed that Bellamy was searching around for someone as we organised into a planned formation. I hid in the crowd, sticking closely to Octavia as I tried to avoid his notice. I couldn't pretend that I hadn't almost kissed him a few moments ago and the idea of discussing this at such an emotionally charged time was overwhelming. As the gates opened and we all filed out, Octavia and I walked side by side. I wasn't sure how we ended up leading at the front of the pack and I was relieved to hear quiet pockets of conversation happening around us. Octavia shot at an analysing look at me and I prepared myself for a grilling.
"You alright over there? You look like you've got a lot on your mind?" She quizzed in a poor attempt at a light tone. I could easily identify the warring emotions in her eyes that she tried to cover with a brave face and I smiled weakly at her in a similar manner.
"I'm fine, it just feels strange to be leaving. It's been insane here, but it finally feels like home." I sighed in an avoidant manner. I didn't consider it lying, it was troubling to leave our camp for uncertain shores. I couldn't discuss the issues with Bellamy whilst we were so crowded with people so I stuck to the simple issues. I tried to keep my guard up as I spoke, scanning our surroundings for any sign of grounders. "Plus, I can't let go of the niggling feeling that we're leaving Monty behind." I confessed as I acknowledged the knot in my stomach.
"I know what you mean." She sighed deeply and I peeked at her in concern. "Finn says there's no way Lincoln survived with the odds that were against him, but I still feel like I'm abandoning him." She breathed and I could easily recognise the reluctance that was in her eyes now I took a moment to examine her.
"Hey, your boyfriend's a grounder Octavia, I wouldn't count him out. Last time you said goodbye, he turned up again just in time to save our friends. I get the feeling we haven't seen the last of him." I stated firmly and my words earned the hint of a smile in the corner of her lips. "Now, I just have to convince myself to feel the same about Monty." I muttered, as I returned my attention to our surroundings. "Maybe I'll even get really lucky and we'll run into Murphy." I added bitterly and noticed that my grip on the comically large gun in my hands got tighter. Octavia glimpsed at me with her brows knitted together in worry and I could sense that she was assessing me.
"That whole thing with Bellamy really messed you up, huh?" She probed and I flinched at her perceptiveness. I maintained a careful measure of the anger in my voice as I answered her.
"For a minute when I first got to him, I thought he was dead. I've never been so terrified." I whispered, before shaking my head violently to dislodge the agonising memory that replayed in my brain. "But what made it worse was that I trusted Murphy, I gave him a second chance. I defended him, I patched his wounds, I fucking comforted him. I need to pay him back for that." I spat with a fury that rose like acid from my stomach as I remembered his convincing little act.
"Well, I hope you get your chance." She commented and I was surprised to find bitterness in her tone too. "I certainly wouldn't mind getting a few hits in." She added, gritting her teeth as she spoke and I remembered her frantic cries on the radio whilst I hid in the bottom of the dropship with understanding.
"I'm pretty sure there will be a queue." I chuckled darkly under my breath and she nodded back at me with amusement.
We continued in silence through the forest with our eyes trained on our surroundings as we gripped our guns nervously. Octavia stopped abruptly on the spot and held a hand up to halt the following group. I raised my gun to stare through the scope and held my breath as I scanned the area in nervous anticipation. There were several panicked comments from behind as those around us strained to see what had alarmed Octavia, but like the rest of them I couldn't see anything. In a flash, something shot through the air and planted itself into the face of the man standing behind us.
"Grounders!" Jasper yelled in a deafening roar, spiralling the group into a panic.
Octavia and I fell into positions to navigate the group back towards camp, with people rushing frantically to get behind the walls. As we reached the gates Jasper ran ahead of us and positioned himself on the wall to cover our return. Octavia placed herself at the gate to guide people inside and I witnessed Bellamy out of the corner of my eye. He climbed up beside Jasper to cover the gate, so I quickly took a position on the other side to provide full covering fire if needed. The gates slowly dragged closed as the last of our people filtered inside and I continued to stare out between the trees, scouring for any sign of movement. I could hear Bellamy, Clarke and the usual leadership building into an argument over whether to stay or go again and I glanced over at Jasper. As it seemed we were the only two people that were still on watch for an attack, I opted not to get involved this time and allowed them to fight until someone was victorious. I couldn't deny that I was pleased when they agreed to stay and fight, as I felt that running was the wrong choice from the beginning.
"Okay then. This is what we've been preparing for, kill them before they kill us. Gunners to your posts. Use the tunnels to get in and out, from now on the gate stays closed." Bellamy addressed the crowd assertively and they immediately sprang into action, running to their assigned posts.
I glanced around nervously at the bustling camp. I'd learned the routes to the foxholes, but I was busy setting up landmines as part of Raven's crew the night that groups were assigned and I suspected that Bellamy hadn't assigned me a role on purpose. I witnessed him halt Octavia in her tracks as she headed for a tunnel with a sword that Finn had gifted her from Lincoln. I seized the moment to sneak past whilst he was distracted. I followed Jasper as he moved with a determined purpose and I overheard Octavia firmly informing Bellamy that she was a grounder now. I smiled in amusement at her newly developed confidence and was proud that she had finally found her place. As I neared the exit from camp, I had to pause as she jumped into the tunnel just ahead of me. Unfortunately, she carried Bellamy's attention with her and he reached out to snatch my arm in the first second that he registered my presence.
"No, not you too." He spoke firmly but the grip that he clung to me with revealed his desperation. I met his eyes with an apologetic expression but I couldn't deny my frustration with him for even attempting to keep me out of this.
"Come on Bellamy, you said yourself that you need my aim. It'll take everyone we have for us to survive this." I argued in a bid to reach his sensible nature but he simply furrowed his brow at me regretfully.
"I know, and I understand why you want to fight but…" His voice trailed off and his gaze fell to his boots as he shuffled awkwardly on the spot. "Does it have to be you two?" He asked as he met my eyes with an insecurity that was unfamiliar on him.
"You don't have to worry about us, we can do this." I responded with a reassuring smile and I gazed at him sympathetically. I understood his concern; I hated the idea of him and Octavia fighting, but when I considered what would happen to them if the grounders got inside, I knew that I had no other choice. "I'll stay with Jasper and see you back here when we win." I expressed, squeezing his arm with a smile and he finally loosened his grip on me with an anxious look. I turned from him and rushed into the tunnel before I could think twice.
Once in the cramped space of the foxhole with Jasper and Harper, we waited in nervous silence. The radio Jasper was holding crackled and he held it up for us to hear.
"All foxholes, listen up." Bellamy's voice announced and I sat up straighter as I waited for instructions. "Keep your eyes and ears open. Inflict casualties, as many as possible. You can hold them off for long enough to make them turn back. That's the plan." He cut off abruptly and I could only imagine the argument that was currently taking place between the leadership.
"So our plan is to scare them off?" Harper repeated as she glimpsed between the two of us in disbelief.
"We don't have enough of anything to kill them all." Jasper explained and his eyes grew wide as his fear became clear in his movements. I realised that this was difficult for him and I wished that there was a way to protect him from the fight that was unfortunately inevitable.
"We don't need to kill them all." I stated firmly, drawing his attention to me. "We just have to kill enough to make them think that we will." I smiled in an attempt to reassure them, despite my own reservations about the reliability of this plan.
We waited for what seemed like hours as the tension grew thick in the air. Harper kept watch whilst Jasper gave his best effort to build my confidence in the new gun. I hadn't had a chance to even test firing something this size and we didn't have the bullets left for me to practice. We got comfortable sitting with the muzzles of our guns pointing out of the shelter and kept our eyes keenly trained for any sign of movement. Jasper suddenly tensed and I caught the distant sound of drums as his eyes widened.
"We can do this Jasper, you're not alone." I whispered as I met his terrified eyes and he nodded back shakily. I could feel a slight tremble in my hands and took a long, slow breath to steady myself.
"I see them, they're moving!"
Stirling's frantic voice on the radio alerted us to the start of the battle, but we couldn't see anything in the area surrounding our foxhole. There were several other panicked responses as other foxholes identified grounders but from the information that was given, no one seemed to be able to hit them. We waited, staring at the trees until I caught a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye. Within seconds they descended on the area and Jasper was shooting in a panic.
"They're everywhere! Harper, get down!" He panted as he sprayed bullets at random in every direction and I could barely hear over the incredible noise of the gun. "We need backup!" He called down the radio in a fluster, joining the flurry of manic messages that flooded through. I put a hand on his arm and shook him to get through his shock.
"Jasper, stop shooting! We don't have enough bullets to fire at random!" I yelled in an effort to reach his logical nature and he caught sight of me with a panic stricken expression. "Don't shoot unless you know you can hit them, otherwise let the landmines do their job!" I ordered firmly and he nodded back nervously.
We resumed our positions, waiting for the movement to return after Jasper had scared them off as we watched down the barrel of our guns. It was barely seconds before grounders sprinted past us again and a bomb exploded just ahead of the foxhole. We glanced at each other in an elated mixture of surprise and excitement.
"Raven, our mines actually worked!" Jasper announced into the radio in an ecstatic voice. We high fived in a moment of childish delight and grinned widely at each other. It was comforting to experience a fleeting moment of friendship in the middle of the chaos and I was thankful that I'd chosen to follow him.
"Jasper, we need you in the dropship right now." Clarke's voice declared over the radio at the perfect timing to force us back into reality and my face dropped at the realisation that he couldn't remain at my side.
"Negative, we can't give up the west woods." Bellamy argued in an overly aggressive tone and although I knew that he was speaking from a tactical perspective, I couldn't help feeling that some of his reluctance to allow Jasper to leave was because he knew that I was here.
"The west woods are mined Bellamy, the grounders just figured that out!" Clarke's sharp voice responded and her impatience was clear even through the radio. "Jasper get in here." She demanded and I felt my stomach churn as I considered what could cause such a desperate reaction from her. I had to force my mind to remain focused as I wondered if some part of the plan had already gone wrong. Before Bellamy could continue to make excuses, I snatched the radio from Jasper's hands.
"Who said anything about giving up, we're still out here!" I taunted in a determined tone as I smiled at Harper and signalled to Jasper to go. He assessed me for a long moment in concern, before reluctantly tearing himself away and climbing into the tunnels towards camp. "Harper and I have got this, girl power and all that shit." I smirked in the hope that I could inspire confidence in her nervous face. I leaned over to offer her a fist bump with a playful wink. She slowly bumped her fist against mine and a small smile crept in at the corner of her lips. "Only take the shot if you're sure, make every bullet we have left count, alright?" I recapped assertively.
"I see one, there! There!" She exclaimed as she pointed ahead and I stared down the barrel at the rapidly moving blur as it passed through the trees. I held the gun tightly in place and was ready to shoot at any sign of threat, until another mine went off and I widened my eyes in understanding.
"They're drawing our fire!" I breathed as I kicked myself for not analysing their tactics sooner. "Harper, keep an eye out but don't shoot unless it comes at you." I spoke sternly and although she was obviously terrified, she nodded in acknowledgment. I snatched up the radio that Jasper had left on the floor and took a deep breath to prepare myself to take control of the situation. "All gunners! The grounders are not attacking, they want us to waste our bullets. Don't shoot whilst they're just running around, let the mines pick them off and only shoot when you absolutely have to!" I quickly passed the information so that I could stow the radio and resume my grip on the gun.
"Indigo's right, don't fire until you're sure it's an attack!" Bellamy's reply was prompt and I smiled involuntarily. I was reassured to hear his voice, not only because I enjoyed knowing that I'd been able to prove myself but also because it meant that he was still safe. "Repeat, do not fire until you're sure." He confirmed and I glanced over to smile at Harper, only to find that she was shaking from head to toe. I sighed sympathetically at her.
"You can do this, we're not gonna let them past. I've got your back." I reassured sternly, before returning my focus to the space in front of the foxhole. I observed several grounders emerging from the trees and just as I was lining up my aim, I realised that they were leading a hoard that was crowded into a tight formation.
"Shit." I spat under my breath as I felt dread creeping down my spine. "Okay, take slow shots, make sure you get a grounder in the face with every single one." I gave my instructions clearly to Harper and she met my eyes with horror as she clocked the approaching force. "The second you're out of bullets, you get back up those tunnels and you don't look back." I ordered and I was proud to discover that she wasted no time in following the command. I switched the radio on and leaned it against a surface so that I could talk and shoot at the same time. "West foxhole, the grounders are attacking! At least 50 in a unit right in front of us! We'll use the ammo we have and pull back. This is it gunners, hold your ground and make them pay for every life they've taken from us!" I reported in the hope that I could inspire confidence as I stared down the scope with determination. Harper was as efficient as I demanded, but by her fourth shot she was done. She regarded me with wide, terrified eyes.
"Go, get out of here, I'll be right behind you!" I shouted forcefully. I was only on my second shot and had no intention of quitting whilst I could still shoot. She surveyed the group that was closing in, then peeked at me with a final reluctant glance before she frantically jumped into the tunnel. I took a deep breath and attempted to stay focused on the rapidly approaching horde. I knew that once they passed this checkpoint, there was nothing left between them and Bellamy. I was the last stand at protecting him and everyone else I cared about, and I knew that I had to bring down every last grounder that I could. I fired again, resulting in a shot that hit one of the troops directly in the face and they sank to the ground in a satisfying manner. Three shots. I moved my barrel to focus on the next target with a determined fire in my gut. I took another steadying breath, finding it hard to keep calm as I acknowledged that they were barely metres away. I squeezed the trigger and another shot launched from the barrel, landing squarely in my target's chest. They stumbled in a shocked reaction but quickly recovered to continue marching toward me. Four shots.
"Indie, what are you still doing in there?! Get out!"
Bellamy's frantic voice filled the space and I realised with horror that the radio was still on; he could still hear me shooting. I aimed one more time at the same attacker's face, imagining him reaching Bellamy to bully myself into remaining in the foxhole despite the growing risk. My heart skipped a beat as I squeezed the trigger and the bullet flew right on target, stopping one more grounder dead. Five shots. The gun jammed in a telltale sound and I realised almost too late that they were right on top of me. I dove into the tunnel in blind faith just as they reached the foxhole and the leading grounder swung an axe into the centre of it. I barely escaped the assault by a couple of inches and slammed closed the entrance to the tunnel behind me. I noticed with horror that I'd left the radio behind but I had to force myself to concentrate on manically crawling through the tight space to reach camp. I had to get in, find another gun and get to Bellamy before the grounder's forces did. I knew that there were only two others with him at the final position and that it was impossible for them to last against the numbers that were stalking toward them. Every part of my mind focused on getting to him as I rushed through the tunnel and I felt my chest tightening with anxiety. The same thought echoed over and over in my mind: I can't lose him.