Firestar might have an identity crisis

I might really like writing angst/comfort/family stuff. Just a thought.

Poor Fires is going through a lot.

Please review!

Firestar quickly realized that he couldn't have nice things. He couldn't be allowed to lead his clan peacefully either. He thought after everything with the Dark Forest was said and done, he could finally relax and not have to constantly think about prophecies. For what it was worth, the few moons after the Great Battle had been peaceful.

He just couldn't do anything about winter or the sickness it brought with it. It was heart-wrenching watching the lights of some of his warriors get snuffed out by greencough. Just because Sandstorm accepted him for who and what he was didn't completely take his self-loathing away. He was being constantly reminded that he couldn't save anyone.

He hid his feelings and thoughts from the other leaders, but he could see their concerned looks every time they met up. Had they lived together for so long that they just knew how he was like?

Spring and summer should have given him hope and relief. Instead the lake started flooding past its borders. It was a nightmare come to life. He recognized the signs and evacuated his clan, much like the other leaders were doing, but now everyone was being monitored to make sure no one strayed too far from the clan and drowned without them knowing. He couldn't get away from the clan to satiate his urges.

Plus water was everywhere. He was afraid he would touch some and transform in front of his clanmates. It was okay if Brambleclaw or Sandstorm was with him, but not everyone else.

When he tried avoiding water, it was always there. When he wanted to touch it, his clanmates were nearby. He couldn't win.

Starclan must be punishing him and the other leaders. First they fill the lake with salt-water(which feels so much better than freshwater) and then they make it burst so that the clans needed to evacuate. It had been a while since he last took even a little dip, so being so close to ocean water and not being able to get rid of the burning was torture.

They had also given Brambleclaw another vague prophecy. They told Brambleclaw but not him. They had the nerve to communicate with other cats but not tell him or the other leaders if they were going to Starclan when they died. They honestly couldn't still be debating their entry after all these moons?

He was currently with Sandstorm and Brambleclaw, still in sight of the clan, looking out at the overfilled lake. He gave a quiet whimper, the fur along his spine rising and falling as he desperately tried to ignore his discomfort. The two gave him concerned looks and tried getting his attention, but his gaze was firmly locked onto the lake. His eyes were glazed over, the voice once again filling his head.

He wanted to jump in badly, relieve himself of the burning itching that wracked his body. He wanted to feel good again. The voice was urging him on, telling him to jump in, go to the ocean, take his place gogogogogogo-

"Firestar? Are you okay?" Brambleclaw hissed into his ear. He jolted and blinked at him, "I'm- I'm fine," he said, not at all sounding fine.

Brambleclaw gave his ear a lick, "How long as it been since you've been in water?" he meowed worriedly, keeping his voice low and quiet so that he wouldn't be overheard. Firestar was honestly surprised Dovewing had never caught onto him.

Sandstorm was wide-eyed, wondering why the two hadn't told her that Firestar needed to be in water. "Does he need to be in water often?" she whispered. Brambleclaw gave her a nod. She turned her head back to Firestar, "Why didn't you tell me; tell us?"

"The clan..." he muttered. They gave heavy sighs, the clan, it was always about the clan. He worried more about the clan than he worried about himself. He gave subtle glances over to the cats nearby. They had been more tight-knit recently due to troubled times. Brambleclaw and Sandstorm realized that Firestar was always with someone from the clan. It wasn't just a matter of worrying about the clan, it was also because he couldn't get away from them or their sight for even a few heartbeats.

They gave each other nods after seeing Firestar's sorry state, silently communicating with each other.

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He couldn't sleep that night. He lightly tossed and turned in his sleep, nightmares plaguing his mind. He saw Starclan and his own clan, taunting him in disgust. He would never amount to anything- only a half fish disgrace. He saw his close friends and family, sneering at him, wondering how they were ever close to a hybrid. His ears folded flat against his head as they whispered and laughed to each other about how even being a kittypet was better than being a mercat- at least they were normal!

He saw Brambleclaw and Sandstorm, the only cats who supported him, turn their backs on him. He called to them, begging for them to stay.

'Please stop.'

'I didn't know what I would become!'

'Don't leave me, please don't leave me, I wouldn't be able to take it without you.'

'Why are they staring at me like that? What did I do?'

'Brambleclaw, Sandstorm, please don't leave me! Don't leave me like they did!'

'pleasepleasepleasepleasestaywithmeI'lldoanythingjustdon'tleaveme-'

He was shook awake by Brambleclaw and Sandstorm, who were gazing at him with wide, shocked eyes. He let silent tears fall down his face, exhausted by his dreams. They gave him soft, gentle licks and nudged him to his paws and led him out of the makeshift camp Thunderclan made in the tunnels.

The two were constantly on guard and on the lookout in case some cat followed them. They arrived at the lake, further away from where the clan was situated. His breath hitched at the sight of the lake and he gave the two a grateful blink before lowering himself into the water.

Oh, that felt so good. He felt the burning finally cool itself, like dousing a raging fire with cold water. He let the waves roll over his tail before silently diving down into the lake's depths. He gave a deep breath and watched the bubbles that escaped from his mouth rise to the surface. This felt right.

He didn't know what he wanted to be anymore. He couldn't deny that being a mercat felt good- but he didn't want it to define him. Sometimes he wished he never step foot onto Mako. He wanted his life back, back when Starclan didn't hate him for something out of his control, back when the only thing he had to fear was winter and the Dark Forest rising up- because dead cats coming after him in revenge was easier to deal with than constantly being scared of someone walking in on his mercat form.

When had he started fearing everything about his life? Being a mercat was destroying his relationships- yet it strengthened his bond with Brambleclaw, Sandstorm, and surprisingly the other leaders. He hated and liked his tail equally.

He was so tired living like this.

Brambleclaw and Sandstorm watched Firestar dive down and disappear into the lake. They didn't mind- he clearly needed some time to himself.

"He was begging for us to stay with him," Brambleclaw said bluntly. They heard Firestar's whimpers and mews as they approached him to wake him up. He was clearly having a nightmare- a nightmare about everyone leaving him.

"Not a word to him. He doesn't need to be reminded of that," Sandstorm meowed weakly. She would never leave him.

But it begged the question of how far down Firestar's fears were rooted into his subconsciousness?

Firestar Protection Squad Assemble! Honestly, with all that Firestar has been though, it's more than likely he(and a ton of other cats) might have PTSD. He's gone through a lot in his life and the trauma conga line keeps going. He's never going to feel fully accepted by the clans.

Someone give this cat a hug please.

Tell me how I did.