Whispers 18

Cathy, Rob, and Muriel made their way back to the sitting area. A deep sense of melancholy seemed to permeate the walkways. As they got closer a pattern evolved and became a roar of melodic tones. Cathy understood the music her grandmother had written but never heard it realized with such passion. She halted, not wanting to enter the room and distract Kardin while he was singing.

Long after the voice stopped, the echoes of sound seemed to infuse her senses, as if dancing through the walls and out the windows. Cathy listened intently. The words were not audible, but the echo carried on and on. She looked up and down, noting air vents in the walls, close to the ceiling. The sound of music was soon replaced by the echoes of moaning and distress. It was not new but rather a haunting memory from years ago, as if she were below and the echo of tunnel chatter was being replayed. Whisper so she cannot hear you. The words rebounded deep within Cathy's head.

She turned to Muriel. who seemed unfazed by it all. Her eyes sought Rob who merely shrugged his shoulders.

'Don't you hear that whispering sound?' she pleaded.

'Not really. Are you ok?'

'I…think I am. Maybe its just my imagination. Let's go.'

Muriel led them down another set of stairs. There was no chair lift and Rob offered his arm. The direction was completely opposite to where they had been previously. At the foot of the stairs there was a large space filled with books and electronics of all kinds. Three doors ranged around the room. Two were closed and one was open. For the first time Cathy had a sense of the house. It was as if two equal parts were brought together to form one structure. The base was curved, almost circular while the second floor, a pentagonal shaped structure stood firmly atop. Beyond the open door, she could see her grandmother and Kardin, hunched around the piano talking. Hélène turned around as if sensing her granddaughter's discomfort.

'Cathy, did you have a nice walk? Come and sit. Das is just about to sing the second verse. So far, I am amazed!' Hélène was clearly impressed with Kardin's ability.

'I had a good walk. It was lovely Mémé. The rear view looks out onto the sea. I feel totally refreshed.'

It was only a partial lie. In the open space leading out to the water, she felt a freedom defined by some other life. Back inside, tension began to build. She lied about the discomfort, not wanting to distress her grandmother. This project meant the world to a woman who was finally able to realize her talent. Cathy was anything but calm and could not meet Kardin's eyes. Instead she sent a tight smile in his direction.

For the next 45 minutes everyone sat quietly and listened to Kardin sing. His voice without restraint was incredible. The sad and arduous journey of Howard's father was clear in every note, every word, every action. No one was without tears at the end. Cathy wondered how her grandmother could stand up and hug a man whose only good quality seemed to be an ability to sing. Knowing her mind was going down that old pathway of distrust and anger, Cathy stopped it at once choosing instead to look around the room, alternately frowning and smiling. I need my husband and sister here. I know what I feel but why? She tried hard to let the negative sensations slide away. Both Jacob and Holly would worry. There was no need.

After singing part two, Kardin called a halt and suggested that they eat. 'Nothing too heavy. You will take some time getting home. Better on a full stomach. While we eat, I will share something with you, Hélène, and Cathy. I know your hearts are troubled.'

His open honesty surprised Cathy. She did not question it. By the time they were all seated around the dinner table back in the upstairs portion of the house, Cathy noted that Kardin, as a host, surpassed that of Das, the singer. The food was light, delicious and perfect.

'Your chef is excellent Das.'

'They have been cooking for me for decades. Both are literally my family. My mother who was part South Asian brought their parents to America decades ago to help care for the house. Mina and Sar, their son and daughter just stayed on after their parents passed. They live here and take care of things when I am away.'

'Did they know my mother?' Cathy blurted out the question despite her desire to allow the moment to happen. Her pent-up frustration could no longer be denied.

'They did. They helped care for her.' Kardin waited. When Cathy said nothing, he continued. 'Muriel was your guide and tutor and her husband, who passed ten years ago, was responsible for your safety.'

Cathy could not hide the need for a long deep breath. This was the moment of truth. 'And where was my mother?' The sob which threatened to choke her was held back with great effort.

Kardin nodded. The moment of reckoning was at hand. Between a Mother, Hélène, and a daughter Cathy, lay the life of another woman, both a daughter and a mother, who was so important to both. Her story begged to be told. Both Rob and Ledgister asked to be excused. They sensed the need for privacy in that moment.

'We'll take a walk out back. I wanna see that water for myself.' Ledgister smiled indicating that he had no concerns.

'Hélène, Cathy, I can offer no apologies, only explanations for what took place. I cannot nor do I intend to excuse my behaviour. I did act selfishly and yet; I am not sorry. I have a beautiful daughter who will fulfill the prophecy of our ancestors in tandem with you, her sister, who I confess, I have greatly misjudged.' He paused as if struggling to go on. 'My deepest regret was that I could not make Lena love me.

'What?'

Mémé moved to sit closer to Cathy. This was a startling bit of information revealed for the first time. Cathy stayed silent. She never expected Kardin to admit that love was any part of the equation.

'You may or may not know, that I went to Freddy's father to snoop. I can't find a polite way to say it. He had information which I hoped would verify a reading from a Guru in India. Edgar and I squared off like polite 'frenemies' but I got verification of the information I needed to fulfill my desire. Your mother's birth chart had that unique quality which would, with the right person, produce the 'Diosa'. Finding Lena was a challenge. By this time, Freddy was out of her life. I knew you were born but never expected that he was your father. I believed him to be homosexual.'

Cathy nodded. 'Doesn't mean he couldn't father a child. Anyway, he wasn't Gay.' Even though many issues with Freddy clouded her life, Cathy felt compelled to defend her father.

'Understood. Believe me. I have no wish to distress you, but I am telling my side of the story.'

'I'm sorry." Cathy felt the gentle squeeze of her grandmother's hand and relented slightly.

'It took me almost two years to find her. She had lived below in a place I could never imagine. I knew she would leave one day. I just had to wait and watch. When she emerged from the tunnel and started to make her way back to the street, I intervened and offered her a place to stay, no strings attached. I wanted to woo her and allow her to come to me willingly. She was so beautiful. It took my breath away! I surprised even myself.'

Cathy was not sure if she wanted to hear more and yet this missing piece of both their lives would remain to haunt her. Hélène started to cry softly, thinking of her daughter alone and scared, her few belongings in a cloth bag, one hand clutching that of a toddler and certainly not yet ready to face another new world. The story tore at her heartstrings.

'It was quite a few weeks before…before she consented to my…. advances. I swear that I never raped her nor forced myself on her. Lena was working on the streets before I ever met her. She seemed to feel that for the food and comfort, she should give something in return.'

Hélène gasped. She knew the life her daughter lived and yet the stark words seemed to be a stab wound into her heart.

'Should I stop?'

'No, we both understood the life she led. It doesn't mitigate the pain of it…not yet anyway.'

''The one part of me that was so desperate to have a child could somehow override issues I knew and understood. My best course of action would have been to help her find Freddy, because he was the love of her life. She pined for him every day. I thought perhaps Vincent was the one. She did care for him but apart from finding her own natural father, Freddy was constantly in her mind and heart.'

'My dad was her true love? Are you kidding me?' Suddenly so many things made sense to Cathy. Her mother spent so many years searching for a lost lover. Although she was pleasantly surprised by the thought, Cathy was still troubled by what she was hearing.

'Your mother did not take to pregnancy very well. Her state of mind, worry about you, all contributed to a very uncomfortable nine months. She had terrible morning sickness for nearly five months and then almost constant migraine headaches. Lena spent most days in bed, demanding peace and quiet. She couldn't eat or talk, wanted no contact with anyone and did not allow me to help her at all.'

Cathy felt deflated. The need for quiet, the secrecy, the whisperings, everything that occurred was not because Kardin was mean but because her mother was ill.

'I tried to make her comfortable but there was nothing I could do. I never meant to keep you from her but I also didn't think you would want to remember her in that way. It was as if she was another person.'

Cathy turned away, leaning both elbows on the table and burying her head in shaking hands. No rage rose up to fight this man whose behaviour suddenly sounded more than reasonable. The story was not over and yet she felt deflated, let down by a memory of loss, rather than a memory of caring. She mumbled for Kardin to finish his story.

'Your mother was attended by the best people. She went into labour here and delivered in her bedroom downstairs. For ten days she rejected Holly, refused to care for her or feed her. That was all I asked. I had to get someone else. I did not want Holly to be raised on artificial food. When she recovered a bit, she did hold Holly and see to her needs but her heart wasn't in it. I made the decision to save her and Holly from a lifetime of distress. Against all the principles of my esoteric beliefs, I used hypnosis to erase the memory of it all from her mind.'

'And then you put us out on the street?'

'No…no… no! I could not do that!' Kardin's voice was hoarse with emotion. Clearly the whole episode and the impact of rejection was hard for him too.

'I'm sorry. I am prejudging you. I shouldn't.'

'You have every right to. My actions, even in retrospect were despicable but I grew very bitter and angry with each passing day. My only joy was Hollalea. After you and your mother were gone, it was Muriel who supervised her care before we left for India. Holly was just a few weeks old.'

Kardin paused, apparently finding the release of memories difficult. He took a few minutes then continued recounting the final events.

'Before we left, I found a small condo for your mother and put her name on the ownership. I deposited enough money in the bank to allow you to live comfortably for years. I put both of you in a taxi and asked the driver to drop you at the address of the building. To this day….. your mother never entered that building nor did she take any of the money I provided.'

'No that can't be true!'

Kardin stood up and went to a sideboard. He pulled out a folder which held several pieces of paper. He placed them in front of Cathy, allowing her to read the truth for herself.

The deed for the condo was on top, dated, and notarized nearly twenty-five years ago. The bank records showed the deposit of a large sum of money. Withdrawals for taxes and other bills were done automatically through an accounting firm. Cathy scanned through page after page of information dated for accuracy and presenting incontrovertible proof.

Why didn't my mother take this gift? Didn't she even understand that a home had been provided? Over 20 years of records were there for anyone to see. It was too much for Cathy. She looked up at Kardin. In that moment Cathy knew that he had reprogrammed Lena's mind, not to a place of comfort but rather unwittingly to a place of discomfort, a place where her only mission was to find Freddy, as if she had just stepped out of the world below. Nothing else mattered except that her daughter should be safe and she could continue to work the streets hoping Freddy would one day materialize. Nothing of Kardin's gift registered….nothing! Cathy hated that this man, who seemed to have been the cause of such horror in her life, turned out to be nothing like the cruel monster of her visions.

Curiously, Kardin's heart had also been broken. He too became angry and bitter, but he had his daughter, his precious girl, someone to love him unconditionally until the day he decided to mate her with the highest bidder in the clan. Cathy smiled. Holly was truly her flesh and blood. She too left her father when his ambition rose above the love they shared. Cathy pushed back her chair and stood up. She was ready to go home.

'Don't leave those papers here. The property and money are yours. I can do nothing with it. Inspect the place. There is a letter for the bank that manages the estate. It identifies you as the owner. If you don't like it, you can sell, but it is yours, not as a bribe from me but as a part of your mother's legacy.'

'Mémé and I will talk about it and decided what we will do.' Cathy placed an arm on her grandmother's shoulder. 'Are you done Mémé? Can we go now?'

'Yes, ma petite fille. I am dealing with someone who needs little training. We will work on his presentation another time.' Hélène could see that Cathy was emotionally spent. She turned to their host.

'Das, please treat your voice kindly. You have a gift. I will be in touch.'

By mutual agreement, Cathy and her grandmother spoke little on the journey back to New York. The revelations had been momentous, heart rending and yet healing. When Ledgister pulled in front of the Brownstone, she said,

'Mémé, this has been a day like no other. I must speak with Jacob before I do or think about anything. I'll call you tomorrow.' With a soft peck on the cheek she slipped out of the car.

…

Although Cathy knew that Jacob would sense she was home, she chose to take some time for herself. Even the need to hug her daughter was pushed to the back of her mind. Aislyn was safe. The only jeopardy was within Cathy herself. She solicited Rob's help to remove a small trunk from the basement, containing Lena's few belongings. It had been shipped to her apartment after Lena's death. Cathy never looked inside. As far as she was concerned, it contained too many memories. Rob was able to manage the weight by himself. He took it up to Cathy's special room and set it on the floor.

'Need anything else, just call.'

Cathy nodded her thanks. She had always given the bulk of her heart to Carl, but Rob was becoming dearer and dearer everyday. His quiet, undemanding demeanour, and willingness to help meant a great deal. Carl was more of a father figure, but Rob was like an exceedingly kind older brother. Cathy did not know if she wanted to wait for Jacob or proceed to open the trunk herself. The choice was taken out of her hands. Her husband's handsome face seemed to appear at the door, as if by magic.

'Where's Aislyn?'

'She's coming up with Mama and Dad.'

Cathy stood and threw herself into Jacob's arms. 'I have been so wrong, so wrong, so many times. Will I never learn?'

'C'mon KitCat, we learn by our mistakes. I take it Kardin wasn't so bad after all?'

Cathy sobbed her heart out. Jacobs strong arms gave her immense comfort from the years of pent up frustration and anger at a situation elevated within her own mind. 'Why can't I trust?'

'You do my love. You trust me, our community, so many people, but memories can lead us astray when only seen through the eyes of a child. There was no continuity to your story, just an abrupt and difficult change.'

'You know what happened?'

'Yes.'

'Why didn't my mother take that apartment? It would have given us a decent life. I would not have spent my young years feeling afraid every day.'

'Cathy, you have to remember that your mother was not from New York. When Kardin let her go, she had no sense of direction, no awareness. The condo was too far from the streets she had known. I can tell you that she wanted to return to Montreal as a way of finding Freddy, hoping that he would come back to where they first met, but she was lost, alone and vulnerable prey for any unscrupulous man.'

'There is so much I don't know and so much I don't want to know.'

Do you want to see the condo that Kardin gave her?'

'Yes, I thought I wanted to go right now but I think I need to spend time with our little girl and get a good night's sleep. We can go at the weekend.' Cathy turned to look at the small trunk. 'I don't know if there is anything in there beyond her clothes and a few of her treasures but I need to look inside. Perhaps tomorrow.'

Jacob breathed a sigh of relief. Cathy needed to refocus on the things that were important in their day to day lives, giving her a little courage before facing the last part of the journey.

…

Aislyn's knowing presence, Jacobs hugs and kisses all served to settle Cathy and allow her to sleep well. By morning, she was herself, looking at everything through the lens of an adult woman, happy, secure and content. The Trunk was not opened. Cathy choose instead to carry on as usual. She took Aislyn for a walk in the park before going to the Center. By noon, when Holly arrived, Cathy was able to share much of her story, leaving out the details of Lena's horrific morning sickness. Their mother was, after all, pregnant with Holly at the time. Cathy concluded that no kid wanted to believe that they could cause such discomfort before even being born. Holly seemed content with the idea that Cathy had released her anger and distrust of Kardin. The moment of release brought them closer together.

Cathy did not stay on at work. Instead she spent time wandering around to all the places where she and Jacob met, mentally reviewing the story of their first meeting, the trip to find his mother, the journey back from California, the moment when she received the call that Lena had died, then being captured by Edgar Raeburn and held for ransom.

It has been an extraordinary journey and yet I am still whole, loved and at peace in my family. The past is dead. I have learned and moved forward. Cathy's thoughts released her from the prison of self doubt. Nothing that happened was my fault. Why do I let it defeat me?

'Because you feel like you do not deserve to be happy, but you do deserve every joy brought to your life. You are not your mother or father!'

Cathy heard the disembodied voice of her guardian and knew the truth of her words. The genes that formed within her mother's fragile body were a combination of the possibilities of her parents. She could take the good and make it matter instead of worrying about the lifestyle, the drugs and weird behaviour of her parents. That was normal for them, their lessons. This was her life to live as she pleased. That she had Jacob as an emotional anchor spoke volumes. Cathy smiled into the sunshine beating down on her face.

...

…

Later that night Cathy sat with Jacob and Aislyn hoping to begin the process of settling all remaining ghosts. The little trunk was opened. Each piece held a memory from her troubled childhood. Her mother's few trinkets lay at the bottom. Some articles of clothing had been saved, though Cathy could not fathom why.

'That looks like an article of clothing from below,' Jacob remarked, holding it up to his face. The scent was familiar.

Cathy tried to remember the look or feel of it but could not. 'I'll ask Dad tomorrow.'

An old battered change purse lay in one corner. It didn't look as if anything was in it but Cathy could feel something and wondered if there were a few coins. She unhooked the closure and found exactly what she had been looking for; a key. The tab attached had long since shredded around the edges, the writing on the paper was faded and yet Cathy knew this was the key to the apartment that Kardin bought for Lena.

Cathy gripped the key in the palm of her hand and closed her eyes. 'Help me Jacob', she whispered.

Cathy felt his hands encircle her own. He began to envision the scenario exploding like flashes of light in his head.

'In her confusion, Lena thought it was the key to her house in Montreal, the only home she had ever known. The Reprogramming of her mind could not allow a flow of thought that made sense. She only heard the word 'home' when Kardin put her in the taxi. When she was dropped off, she knew it was not home. Once again, she began to wander about as if lost. Only Freddy remained her one constant.'

Cathy bowed her head. 'Seven years wasted. Seven years of abuse and heartache. Seven years of trying to save me from being trapped. Only when she found Freddy was she happy again, for seven years, until his death, then seven years until her own.'

Cathy hugged her daughter as they went through the remaining items. Nothing would be destroyed but on the weekend she and Jacob would go and look for the place that was the end and the beginning of an horrific chapter in her life.

Epilogue

Nothing about the condominium brought any joy or sorrow. For twenty-five years the rooms stood unused, uncleaned, and uninhabited. Apart from the gathering dust, everything looked just as it might had Lena been able to have a true sense of who she was and where she was going.

Cathy tried hard not to feel regret or sorrow. It was certainly an improvement on the many places they lived but she acknowledged the past was done. Moving forward was all that mattered. She was not accompanied by Jacob. He had been called in to attend to an urgent matter at the office. Instead, it was Vincent who stood at her side, understanding in his own way that the gift had been given with good intentions. He also felt himself let go of the emotional twists and turns that characterized his affection for Lena and a misconceived knowledge of Kardin. The visit, like many others, was an ending to another one of life's stories.

As they closed the door behind them, Cathy knew that she would not give away the condo. In her free time, she would organize cleaning and refurbishing of the unit and save its use for tunnel dwellers or women from the center who needed a place to stay while reorienting their lives. It could not be a permanent home for anyone but a temporary lodging and place of safety.

Vincent felt the deep sigh of his daughter in law. He placed an arm around her shoulders and held her close. From the day of her birth, so many years ago to the current moment, he felt a rush of love and affection. For the time being, all was well in their world.

…..

This ends another book in the series. I remain ever grateful to the creators of Beauty and the Beast 1987 for developing those characters that allow my imagination to cultivate and tell their stories. My thanks to Medita for her contributions and support. I end without knowing when and if another story will make its presence felt. I will consider adding to the stories of Hélène and Howard, including the presentation of her work in The Fiction Press Stories.