The next day, the class waited for almost two full years…oh wait, no, that was actually YOU GUYS waiting for this chapter to be published. Oops!
What I meant to say was that the next day, Ms. Frizzle actually showed up on time for once. And no, I'm not kidding.
"Sorry I'm late, class," Ms. Frizzle said, not seeming to realize she was actually on time, "I was busy killing Joanna Cole." Tim raised his hand. "Yes, Tim?"
"Who's Joanna Cole?" he asked, confused.
"She's the creator of this fictional universe," Ms. Frizzle explained, "and she didn't like the way her characters were being used, so I had to get rid of her."
"Wait, universe? Fictional? CHARACTERS? Are we in a book or something? Or a movie? Or an animated TV show? Or a FANFICTION?"
Not seeming to hear this, Ms. Frizzle continued, "Today, class, we will be learning about pandemics. A pandemic is an outbreak of a potentially deadly disease."
"Oh, you mean like AIDS?" Dorothy Ann sneered, "I bet that wetback faggot Carlos could tell us ALL about THAT!"
Ignoring her, Ms. Frizzle continued, "For this lesson I will be infecting all of you children with deadly diseases. The first disease we will be learning about is coronavirus, or COVID-19."
"Oh, you mean the CHINESE virus?" Dorothy Ann sneered.
Ignoring her, Ms. Frizzle took out a cage with five bats and a pangolin in it, opened it up and threw them on Wanda.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Wanda screamed as the wild animals began to attack her.
"You see, class, the coronavirus started with pangolins and bats being sold in wet markets," Ms. Frizzle explained.
After a few more hours of observing Wanda being mauled by the animals, Ms. Frizzle re-caged them and said, "Okay, class, everyone except Wanda put on your masks!"
Everyone except for Wanda put on their masks and Wanda began to dry cough uncontrollably until torrents of blood erupted from her esophagus. She choked on it and died.
"That's what she gets for being a fucking chink!" Dorothy Ann sneered.
Ms. Frizzle kicked Wanda's body out of the classroom, removed her mask, and continued, "Next up is Phoebe, who will be demonstrating Mad Cow disease."
She went up to Phoebe, who was already looking extremely pale and week from losing all of her organs and blood in the previous chapter.
"Open up, Phoebe!" Ms. Frizzle demanded as she force-fed her a tainted hamburger. At that moment, Phoebe sprang to life, jumped up on her desk, got down on all fours, and started mooing like a cow. She mooed so loud that everyone in the class except for Ms. Frizzle had their eardrums burst. Phoebe continued to moo for so long that she finally collapsed and died. Then, as if by magic, everyone's eardrums grew back.
"Now," Ms. Frizzle continued, "the next disease we will be learning about is smallpox. Ralphie will be the lucky recipient."
"I can think of ANOTHER thing Ralphie can be a lucky recipient of," Carlos smirked as humped his desk suggestively.
"CARLOS!" the class groaned.
"Is it just me, or has Carlos been sexually harassing me this entire story?" Ralphie wondered aloud.
"Story?" Tim asked, confused.
"That's enough!" Ms. Frizzle interjected, pulling out a syringe labeled 'Unscreened Blood' and proceeding to stab Ralphie repeatedly with it.
"I want to stab Ralphie repeatedly with something else," Carlos said, pulling out his penis and stroking it as he watched the action.
"CARLOS!" the class groaned again as Carlos came.
Ms. Frizzle chucked the needle out the window and watched sadistically as Ralphie developed a hideous rash all over his body and died.
Ms. Frizzle then turned and glared at Carlos, who was busy licking up the semen he had spilled all over his desk. "Alright, Carlos, I'm sick of your shit!" she said, walking up to him. "It's your turn now!"
"YES, FINALLY!" Dorothy Ann rejoiced, "KILL THE FAGGOT! KILL THE FAGGOT! AIDS KILLS FAGS DEAD!"
Ignoring her once again, Ms. Frizzle said, "Carlos here is going to get the Spanish Influenza. Hit it, Liz!" Liz turned on the class boom box and loud Spanish guitar music began to spread throughout the classroom as Ms. Frizzle danced a fiery flamenco around Carlos' desk for twenty hours. By the time she had stopped, Carlos had died of the Spanish Influenza.
"Óle!" Ms. Frizzle cheered, flinging Carlos' body out the window. "Who's next?"
"Not me, not me, not me!" Arnold mumbled to himself.
"Arnold!" said Ms. Frizzle, "how about you?"
"I knew I should have stayed home today," Arnold groaned.
"Arnold here is going to get typhus," Ms. Frizzle said.
"The Jew disease!" Dorothy Ann sneered.
Ignoring her once again, Ms. Frizzle took out a swarm of lice and had them shit all over Arnold, who quickly came down with typhus and disintegrated.
"The next disease we will be learning about is the acquired immunodeficiency syndrome or AIDS for short. And since Dorothy Ann was kind enough to volunteer earlier, she will be the one to get it.'
"WHAT? NO! I'M TOO PURE FOR THAT! I'M A VIRGIN!" Dorothy Ann shouted, apparently not realizing that several chapters ago, she had been fucked by her entire family.
"I DID REALIZE THAT, YOU RETARDED AUTISTIC KIKE!" Dorothy Ann screamed up at the ceiling. "FAMILY MEMBERS DON'T COUNT!"
"Who's she talking to?" Tim asked, confused.
Ms. Frizzle grabbed Dorothy Ann by one of her pigtails and dragged her, kicking and screaming, up to the front of the class. "Time for your infection, Dorothy Ann!" she taunted.
"Go ahead and try!" Dorothy Ann sneered, "AIDS was created by God to kill all the fags! My pure white heterosexual Christian body is immune from it!"
"I'll be the judge of that," Ms. Frizzle said, pulling out a large dildo with 'Infected with AIDS' written on it in sharpie. "You see, class, one of the leading causes of AIDS infection is unprotected anal intercourse."
"FAG SEX!" Dorothy Ann ranted, "FAG SEX KILLS THE…" Before she could finish, Ms. Frizzle slammed her face down into the desk and rammed the dildo up her ass. Dorothy Ann caught AIDS and died instantly. Flinging her body out the window like a rag doll, Ms. Frizzle continued, "Alright Keesha, since the author forgot to kill you off in the previous chapter, you're going to get TWO diseases!"
"Author?" Tim asked, confused.
"The first disease will be Ebola," Ms. Frizzle continued as she pulled out a bucket of blood, feces, and vomit that was labeled "Infected with Ebola" and pouring it all over her head.
"Oh, bad. Oh, bad, bad, bad," groaned Keesha, "why couldn't the author have picked a less gross way for me to get infected?"
"Author?" Tim asked, confused. Again.
"Now, the next disease Keesha will get will be the Black Plague," Ms. Frizzle said, pulling out a can of spray paint and spray painting Keesha's entire blood, feces and vomit-soaked body jet black.
"SHE HAS THE PLAGUE!" Ms. Frizzle screamed, waving her hands in the air, "SHE HAS THE PLAGUE! SHE HAS THE PLAGUE! SHE HAS THE PLAGUE!"
"No, I don't," said Keesha, "I'm just covered in black paint."
"SHE HAS THE BLACK PLAGUE!" Ms. Frizzle continued to scream. "WE MUST KEEP IT FROM SPREADING!" She took out a box of matches, lit one up and threw it at Keesha, setting her entire body on fire.
"Oh bad," Keesha groaned as she began to burn. "Oh bad, bad, bad!"
As Keesha burned alive, Ms. Frizzle danced wildly around the flames, singing, "RING AROUND THE ROSIE! A POCKET FULL OF POSIE! ASHES, ASHES, WE ALL FALL DOWN!"
After Keesha had burned to a crisp, Ms. Frizzle turned to Tim. "Alright, Tim, you officially know too much," she said ominously, "you've gotten too close to the truth and now you must be eliminated!"
"What? What truth?" Tim asked, confused.
"I hope you enjoy monkey fever!" Ms. Frizzle cackled, taking out an infected wild gorilla and hurling it at Tim. The gorilla immediately began to French kiss Tim.
"Didn't this already happen to me?" Tim asked, confused, between kisses.
"Excellent observation, Tim!" said Ms. Frizzle, caging the gorilla and watching as Tim became so hot with the fever that he tore off his clothes and began to beat on his chest and howl like a gorilla, "Bestiality, Chapter 16!"
"Ooh, ooh! Chapter? Ooh, ooh!" Tim grunted and roared, confused before falling over, dead.
"Anyway, class," Ms. Frizzle concluded cheerfully, "those are pandemics. Be sure to wash your hands for at least twenty seconds, stay at least six feet apart, and wear a mask whenever you go outside."